i will no longer be using elftown. for those who care to contact me, the name i use for facebook and myspace is gypsy-belle baker

so this is the first time in a few years I've written here. And it's been months since I wrote my last blog. For a while, I wwould pretend I was someone else, not for image, not to try to fit in, but because I HAD to be normal. Few people have ever seen the real me. So I've decided, I won't lie anymore, I won't pretend. It's hard. I've moved ten times in my life, this time the act i had was the tough girl AND the doll. It was a weird mix. It is hard to go from that character to the real me. I won't do what I used to and type silyl stupid girl things because I have to be normal. It disgusts me that I ever did that. In these few years, I have admitted to being about 80% lesbian. I like guys. I date them. I've only been attracted to less than 10. Also, I've realized that music is what makes me tick. And that, even though I try to avoid it, I am a trouble maker. I help people all I can, but with all that, I still get myself into so much trouble. For the first time in my life, I'm having no chaos, no drama. And the weird thing is, I've lived so long in drama, chaos, and trouble, that I don't know what to do with my newfound peace. My mother says she's basically stopped caring what I do because I never listen anyway. Funny thing is, I always listen. I just wait till you forget you asked. I still hate her, that hasn't changed. I hate her for creating hate in someone who would've otherwise never known it. I am as free as I can be at 17. God...I feel like such a bad girl. Not in the good sense either.

if you want t ocontinue reading my diaries, I'm no longer posting them on elftown. check me out at myspace.com/havoc_tails

i however am not acting like myself i am still single once again and a warning for anyone who actually reads this every entry from now on including this one may be my last

i broke up eith my last boyfriend, finally single again... but it was a bad break up.....he cheated on me and i found out from my mother...he caused me to loose one of my utmost absolutely undoubtedly best friends i ever had cz she coukldnt handle my break down.... stil i can thank him for the good memories i got out of it..... and bcuz im myself again for the first time in my life. Untill now, only few ppl knew the real me, i was always acting like who ppl thought i was, locked inside a box in my head, never to get out, until all the fake tears, times i should have cried and didnt,outside attacks, real tears three times and things happening all around, ate away at me, slowly killing me from the inside out,I am happy ive finally made my escape in time for my 15th birthday, now I wander the long deserted halls of my mind to discover who i am, and i am surprised, i dodnt epectwhat i found, all the seccret knowledge that i have, but i enjoy it, enjoy all of it.but i am still feeling as if i am looked at as a dumb blonde, i hate being treated and complimented by only my looks.i am no longer falling, i will no longer pretend in oreder to hide, i will no longer hide, only polite lies for me, true character acting when i am supposed to, or simply practicing.and over all, no more acting like a slut when i am only a flirt. i am finally truly me for the first time in forever.

back again, well Im stuck in thought, meemories, and dealing with another set of events... only this one is a spiritual one. As in inside my head. I had problems with feeling guilty about having too many boyfriends, and i only had 3, but thats still alot, as usual; my problems solved themselves. now i only have one boyfriend, and im not feeling guilty any more.but im trying to feel happy for a twenty year old whos engaged. and im jealous, ive never been jealous before. and hes overage!! im in love with someone overage who said if i were overage, idve been his first choice and that i might be able to continue praying.

im no longer typing events, maybe ill only type thoughts from now on, if i type at all. well, maybe its time for me to stop hiding only the worse, and hide everything instead.no one ever believes my life could be that bad, they always calls me crazy for my words. no one elieves that there is an act that i put on for those who know me. no one believes that i dont know how to show who i am. no one believes i have any feears no one looks beyond my looks. no one who just eads my stuff looks beyond my writing and thinks i might look weird. it goes both ways. no one even thinks i might be smart, complicated, alive, a real person. maybe theres one person out there at least who'll look at me entirely, and not just one side of me.care to prove me wrong? go ahead and try, go ahead and try to make me believe that you understand, that you look at every layer you know of, trying to find the others. go ahead, i dare you to.

i decided ther r sum things that should never be put online.which is y ive onnly been typing 2/3rds of my life,when i do type.this weekend is one of them.

i got in trouble at school because i had put orange streaks in.it hasnt even been a week,and i gota go bak to al blond.this weekend i met a guy named tim.hes cute.hes got brown hair at a guys medioum length.his eyes r brontoo,but they r so easy to get lost in.he has braces that make him look that much cuter when he smiles.hes a few inches taller than me,and he has a nice,medioum sized muscle build.i also saw a humogoes ass grass spider too.i was taking down my tent and it was flat down on the ground.as i was about to take out the poles,this grass spider biggerc than a tarantula walks up to the side of my teent.me bbeing n front of the tent,scream one loud,piercing scream.i jolt 50 steps east and come bak holding both neclaces in my hand to keep me from screaming.mt guilld master and most of the whole camp ssite comes up'wheres the spider!wheres the spider!'i only goy frightened more.so finaly sum1 asks if there is anything to take the spider to the other side of the road.taking the cup all off the guild drinks out of,my guild master picks up his cup"here u can use my cup" i say'and thats the cup our guild drinks out of. he sa ys dont wory ill rinse it out.when we r about to leave,hes one of the ppl i hug.afterwords,hes holding his cup andc says'want a drink.but wat happend w/ tim is my secret.there is more tho.my mm sels roses at faire.so she comes up to me and ask if i want a rose,i say yes and pik one out.literaly five seconds later another rose seller comes up,holding another rose'someone did ask me tho send this to u.'i laugh and blush bcuz its sweet yet funny.i tried to find out whosent it,but she wouldnt ell me.so i got sum1 to return the first rose.

well im gona start trying to write evryday again,or at least when i have something imortant happen.i wont be writing on the weekends tho.this last week*and weekend* has been interesting.ive told evry1 how im moving,and gotten alot of their numbers.ive redone the streaks that is in my hair.it was hard to get the orange out.this weekend i fought a guy over 30 and his girlfriend.the fight lasted for a good while.they were trying to get his sash back.see at the ren faire if u work as a town crier when the constables get a new recruit,we get to steal their sash,i stole and kept awway from him till i needed to.today i got it an argument with 3 girls.tomorow,they are gona try to beat me up.or at least thats what they say.hmph

my life has been hectic.i almost got put in a foster home again, after my mom got caled 4 child neglect,i kissed a guy over 18,kised(and a lil more)guys under 18,and a LOT more.

i havent been in in a while....i wont be typing every day....only when i can.my life's finally going on track and im finally figurin evrytin out.there are things im not sayin b-cuz it would ruin th mood im in.

I had an interesting weekend.Everything on unreal deleted friday saturday i did well on rounders and made a new rounders enemy.He's kinda cute.Sunday i was dehidrated so i didn't do as well.Monday was the first day of school and today things are till sinking in as i and my friend ,though in seperate classes,Her whole class and me heard a school authority call for aomeone long dead.If any one else did we don't know yet.

I fell in the bath tub.It hurt bcuz I landed on my but.I was closing the curtain so no one could see me naked if they walked in.I am now champion in all categories but one on unreal tournament ps2.I'm begining to imagine things too!

i decided not to writ e in my diary unles somethiing good happens this is the last week for that though.So in other words unless i have news then im not gonna write in my diary.Even if it's just an illusin or weird dream.all thats happening is i miss Steven already after only 3 days.

I was thinking today.About Steven.Well my friend Christina dared me something and this time i'm gonna pull through.I was also thinking of this weekend,I told Steven something no one knew.I mean sure I have a hidden past,but people were there for it.This is something only I knew.It is my only fear and it really seems like such a stupid fear.Espesially since I don't know why I'm afraid of it.This is a fear that I will think of until I figure out why I'm afraid of this.This fear is something I will mention to no one.Soon before my birthday I will figure it out and tell him why I'm afraid of it.So I'm crazy for him,and he's crazy for me.I will not write every detail of my life, ever,but I will write in shorts and briefs about my day.

my weekend has been interesting,Friday I left for faire camp site and told Keran I like him.Saturday my crush on Keran starts to disappear.I start to get a crush on Steven.Who is my perfect guy.I hang out with him all day and play rounder,a game like baseball,and my shift with him.At the end of the day, I hug him tell him ill find him at camp.Then i find we are staying at sum1's house.The next day,my mom yells at me and makes me make her posies for lack of responsibility.This makes me late for shift sighn up and i have to hawk 2 hawking shifts instead of my usual 1 hawk 1 game.I was also late for notes.I got burnt the day before,and now playing rounders the ball hits me in the center of my stomach right in the bodess boning and my bodess caught the ball.I also had my niose burnt and ,of course,spent the entire day with Steven.A friend says he's crazy for me.I say I'm crazy for him.Today I've been thinking about him alot and i found out school starts in a week and my birthday is two weeks away!

Just one of those days of thinking.Sitting in front of tv or on the comp or visiting places.Still in over my head on my prob.Help me!!I have gotten no advice on the problem exept from my best friend [pixerz].She thinks i should wait to see what happens.Because after all it's not so much as Kerans perfect but there's some qualities that Justin has that he hasn't shown.I wanna tell just one of them that I have a crush on him so i wanna kno which one u would choose and would u tell him this upcoming weekend or wait to see what happens and tell next weekend.I don't see them any other time.HEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPP MMMMMMEEEEEEE PPPPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLLLLLLZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

help me out here im so confused!I'm still deciding and if you actually read this stuff will you tell me what you would do?Keran's perfect but Justins got thatextra kindness even though he's ugly and is only somewhat my type over all i still like him.Today I cleaned and practiced some sports.But during all ofmy time this is what i was thinking about will you help me?Keran?Or Justin? What should i do to decide? Help me plz!!!!!!

Today was boring.I got some more gum,ran into some1 from school,and cleaned.I was thinking about Keran too.Yea I have a crush on the guy.So what?I also have a crush on another faire guy named Justin.They are both sixteen.Keran has a small,but noticeable muscular build,deep blue eyes,black hair, and looks about 5'7.He's cute and nice and we have alot in common.Justin is about 6'1 has black hair,a very noticeable build,and brown eyes.On one hand Keran is everything I want in a guy and on the other Justin's kinda ugly,but very sweet! What should I do? Should I go w/ Keran?Or Justin?

I'm back from faire for the weekend and it's been interesting.First I had to debate whether to tell Keran,one of my faire crushes, whether I like him or not.Then my mom's car broke down after faire Saturday.And someone who had already promised me a ride had left.After a friend's mom was worried and I got a ride to faire campsite my stepdad wasn't there.Earlier that day I ran into an old friend of mine.I also had to hawk a brutal crowd alone.Then on Sunday I chewed and gave away all my gum and mom got mad that I didn't take advantage of the free food I get.I laughed all day and saw my friend.I talked to Rose and told her I'd challenge her next week.Then,after my stepdad was ready and I hugged everyone,including Keran!We left in a rental car.Today I cleaned alot ,got more sleep and redied my streaks.