WRITE EXACTLY WHATS ON YOUR MIND, AND DON'T CHANGE IT!!!

1. Your recent 'ex' and You = She smokes now. how cool. hahahaha
2. I am listening to = submariner by the dead science
3. Maybe I should = Get employed
4. I love = cecilia
5. My best friend(s) = wil, will, johnny and dan
6. I don't understand = why U.S. society accepts its current state.
7. I have lost my respect for = john packard
8. I last ate = ate? uhm.........damn. that was some days ago.
9. The meaning of my display name is = i do voodoo, what do you do?
10. God = i like.
11. Someday = somebody somewhere will see something happen. i bet.
12. I will always be = fighting to stay happy.
13. Love seems to = do all kinds of crazy shit.
14. I never ever want to lose = well...i want to remain an artist of some kind. if that somehow gets taken away from me, i'll have to choke your ass.
15. My myspace is = the loneliest place in the world for most.
17. I get annoyed when = stupidity interferes with me.
18. Parties = are alright, as long as sky and broughty show up. or those kids from san jo.
20. Simple Kisses = good kisses.
21. Today I = wrote some jazz chords in a progression.
22. I wish = i had food........

so i had to hide this blog on this page because myspace is overrun by people i know.
so theres this funny story where my gilfriend cheated on me with this guy and came and told me about it and apologized real sincere and i believed her and was like oh man we're gonna be happy forever.

but the pain never goes away.

plus she still has pictures of him still talks to him and frequently tells me about him, like im gonna suddenly be like oh man he's so cool i dont even care he kissed my girlfriend, i dont care she always talks to him and writes about wanting to go to san jose without me and see him.

its a good thing im in love, or this might really suck.

because lately shes been doing this thing where she gets drunk, tells me shes coming, and doesnt. and then tells me again. and doesnt. and tells me again. and doesnt. last time she was gone for eight hours. wich is wierd for me, because we live together.

so now she let some fucking homeless people niether of us knows get her drunk. and its about 12:30 at night.
and she called to talk about how cool they are.


and im pretty much convinced she couldnt give a shit about me if she wanted to.

and thats my night. mmmmyep.

yesterday i projectile vomitted yellow fluid. it was painful. ):

hilarious.
okay... it has been a fucking LONG day.
i cant beleive i left my girlfreinds house for this insane shit.

caretaking for warren, the eighty something year old with the recent knee replacement.
i understand that he is in pain. thats why he shouldnt walk on it when hes not supposed to.
hes more than stubborn and in pain, he's also stupid and an asshole. my grandmother is a wonderful, intelligent, and sweet lady. i dont know why their married.

okay. so i got here, after having been here previously and then taking two days off, i come back. we watch harry potter. julie (his 40 something year old daughter) explains that we're going somewhere tomorrow. he takes the liberty of explaining it again. im told im driving him to a barbeque at my great-grandmothers house. before the car is started, the fucking stupidity commences. he decides that since he parked the car against the garage wall ( so passengers cant get in), he would put his walker in the passenger seat. so he does, and i pull out. he motions for me to drive the car back to him. unfortunately its a small garage and hes standing in the middle of the entrance. i get as close to him as i can, without hitting the house. he yells some condescending shit, i dont remember, curses, tells me to bring the car foreward. i tell him im trying not to hit the house. he yells more shit, curses at me some more.
he bitches about how i pull out of the driveway, (it must have made too much sense or something), then commences to give me the directions, after i tell him twice i know where were going. the thing is, he heard me. he knows i know how to get there, he just seems to think i know a less better way, because obviously he's the only one who could have possibly figure out that you go down the freeway and get off on the cameron park exit.
on the way, he tells me how to drive. wich wouldnt be a problem, except he drives like a stupid shit.
on the freeway, speed limit is sixty five. people exceed that in the fast lane. he instructs me to pull into the left lane, the fastlane, and tells me to slow down. so im going fourty in the fast lane. then, i have tyo pull back across three pissed off lanes of traffic to get to the offramp.
we get to my great grandmothers house. he has the audacity to bitch about my great grandmothers air conditioner. he argues with her about everything, and drinks half their beer.
we leave, and he has someone else pull out of the driveway, cuz theres OBVIOUSLY no way i could do it.
he bithces the whole way back, and when we get to the garage, he takes five minutes to explain to me how to put the right side of the car against the wall. he bitches at me the whole time i do it. so i kick the gas for a moment, ramming the garage refrigerater with his car.

this was not an act of vengeance, it was an act of stress relief.

he told me not to answer the office phone. so today he called me on the office phone. twice. he was pissed i didnt answer, and cursed at me.

and so im like, oh my gawd. this man... makes my parents ALMOST look logical.

today my dad bitched at me for the two days i took off.
im thinking...after seventy two hours of insane bullshit, my insomniac ass trying to sleep in ninety degree heat, falling asleep at five and getting up at seven, dealing with FUCKSHITASSCUNT all day, i needed two fucking days off, to look into getting an appartment. sue me. i could hear joan talking about shit for him to bitch at me about in the background. go fucking figure. i almost missed him, too.

/)/)
( ..)
C(")(")


e-town.

we need to talk. im cheating on you with myspace.

true, more people there bother me, its a commercial septic tank, and i have to reload every page at least three times because the site itself sucks nuts.....

but there are bands there.
and also matthew danny buddy and hajile.

oh dont worry, i'll come back now and then

besides, its another way to dump affection on cecilia, and also hannah is here and here only, so i must send my love to her as well.

numbers like dinosours.
cozy.
pterodactyl.
others.


this is a show
a show to wich i go
and yall better know
i gotta pee like a mofo.

its true.
i get to bring elijah instead of ceci, which sucks, cuz i kind of like ceci better, really. i cant hump elijahs leg..i dont think.
he kinda smells funny anyways.

BUT tis a show. should rock my ponys good and hard.

too bad placerville has no black metal scene.

im in absolute disgust with this cesspool.
a man comes in to the store i work in. he has a wheelchair with a dog. the dog is tangeld on a short leash that keeps it more or less directly between and under the back two wheels. it cowers constantly so it can breath. it's mouth is strapped shut. when he moves he more or less drags it around. so i go to chris (co-manager/bossman) and say"theres a man in a wheelchair with a dog...he doesnt look blind?"
chris gets angry at me. he gets PISSED OFF at ME.
he says its...i dont know, assisting the man somehow?
and i say "oh. okay. just making sure its alright."
cuz, you know, its not wierd enough what hes doing to this animal, he's in a freaking grocery store.
and i try real hard not to say something along the lines of, "oh, so it helps him WALK when hes not fucking STRANGLING it?"
and i walk away in a very bad mood.
im losing faith in mankind.
this store is ridiculous, trying to maintain this professional attitude in the face of these psycotic tweakers.
im sick of meth unemployed meth addicts getting free checks from the government courtesy of taxpayers, then they come and give me shit.

later, a woman comes in, i take her merch out for her. shes one of those in the earlier stages, out of experience with these people i'd say shes about late twenties, early thirties, but looks a haggard fourty.
she taps me on the shoulder and tells me a hot girl is checking me out. without thinking, without hesitation, without glancing at this 'hot girl,' i politely tell her im gay.

ceci 1
gtown 0

i kind of want brandi to buy me a bottle. but if cecilia cant drink, then SOMEONE has to support that. and she...doesnt live with that someone appearently.

god im an asshole. but im not a drunken asshole.

im not going to sleep well tonight. if a tall.

/)/)
( ..)
C(")(")


SO i need to graduate. SO im doing a paper. and i dont know how i can turn this 1 3/4 pages into 4. no idea. so i shall turn in 2 pages and speak to Funkmaster Chollet and beg for his infinate wisdom to assist me in jumping through his ridiculous curicilum-required hoop.

my bathroom has been torn appart. most of it is now in the dining room. i got to shower last night after four days. for whatever reason i started to smell like vagina? oh well. that was the greatest shower EVER! my itchy head got all better.

anyways....so. civics. the final is memorization of the pre-amble. ms babcock says it will be fun. she also says muslims do not value human life at all. and she says japanese internment camps are okay, because emperor Kung-Mao bombed pearl harbor. and i lol and i say "WRONG-O!!!" somebody obviously doesnt know fuck about shit, and she should shut up when she talks to me.


i. am. moving. the. fuck. OUT!

oh my god....i have an erection! This is fanctastic!

then all mad-hatter style i say "glorious day! kaloo kalay!"

and go do some more homework.
aint life a bitch?

dear diary....
if you had me locked in a room for twenty four hours.......and the motorcycle had only one helmet and no brakes....and you said you didnt love me and i gave you a note....and amercrombe and fitch told people to die....................youd fuck me, right?

okay, so yesterday, my car caught on fire. the wheel tried to come off. all this at about 50 mph.
im glad ceci wasnt around for that part.
mi padre wasnt even mad!
it were pert cool. except i have no car now. so i have to figure out where all my money goes.

final fantasy seven motherfucker.
its like all the best parts of being wee all over again.
exept the part where i punched tony spinella (sp?) in the sturnum.

every now and then i hear her heals pounding on the floor. not that dainty click like when most females wear heals. pounding. im in matts room, trying to......be comfortable. his mom flipped the fuck out. he went to work. im hiding here, she knows im here, but im.....trying to stay out of the way? the door was open, and i wanted to close it. but i thought the noise might....you know. make her think about me existing. no bueno. the screaming stopped, but...the silence is worse.
she slammed the door shut like i wasnt even here....im like is she mad at ME?
what the fuck?
scary.
i wonder how the fuck im getting home?

matts mother is a complete psycopath. total fucking raving bitch ass psycopath. completely.

its...amazing. she's totally livid. about.......something?
I dont know wht. the end.

ceci is out. on house arest, but...out of 'jail.'
she calls a little now. i love this girl. she can hurt me with just a few words........
im going to have to get up in about five hours. im gonna go play my guitar a bit with some kids in placerville, home of an odd crop of math-rock.
i get to contribute.

so, it appears, as my father has presented the situation, that i have chosen to accept cecilia, thereby accepting her decisions as to her lifestyle. therefore, i have decided to suffer for pleasure. the pleasure of the compatability of another human being to myself, and their presence in my existance.
i have the benefits of her presence, of conversation ludacris to all passerby yet more meaningful to me than the words exchanged between myself and anyone i have exchanged words with on any attempted level of profoundity.
i have,albeit not for the time being, the benefits of her physical presence, the euphoric buzz of being absolutely, invincibly in love with one person, of being able to press my lips against hers, move my arms around her hips, to physically inebriate myself with every aspect of her body.
all i have to do is risk her self destuction. her temporary absence pains me. word of the bruises on her causes me to wince and my insides churn in hatred for anyone who would harm the most perfect, most human entity i can concieve.
and i risk her total destruction of herself.
its like......hearing from a doctor you have some flesh eating disease in your sternum, even moreso because there is the overwhelming sensation that this girl is somehow...the rest of me. i would not spend a moment of my life with her out of arms reach, given the choice.
my adoration is absolute.
and for now, i am suffering.
i can only hope for the best, leave her to her decisions, lending her my oppinion, not daring to opress her or restrain her.
and hoping that she doesnt somehow descend from a balcony in an inebriated state, falling into an injury that could potentialy kill her, having some form of authority come to take her, only to fester the situation when she resists.

and i feel her floating away, even as i type away like the impractical, quasifunctional, arbitrarily introspective primate i am in my current intoxicated state.

i hope to god i can keep her.

This whole thing makes my insides hurt. appearently they shipped ceci to juvie. she met my dad, who's...dissapointed...in my taste for women. he doesnt seem to not like her, just bitches about her having fucked priorities, kind of like the way he talks to me about...me. she should see the nurse and won't
(i dont know that and niether do you)
and i might get to have her back a little. next week.
hope she's still mine.
cuz ive been sensing a little distance lately.

so the love of my life (formerly known as the girl of my dreams) got drunk and jumped off her roof. her brother said she was tied down fighting and taken to a mental institution.
then theres that thing about her having a hard-on for a drug-dealer named jake. roxy has the acute ability to tell me things i shouldn't hear.
appearently this all stems from the fact i didn't call her yesterday. it looks like she called me while i was at work. my guess is that my parents picked up, said theyd take a message, and, uh, didnt.
so, of course, it is my nature to blame myself.

matt says everything is going to be okay.
im going to trust him and make it my number one priority not to kill myself.

thanks for reading

i almost died. no one cares. nor do i.

okay, so im driving home, its late, and i roll my window down to asist my poor defroster. i hear a sound like a cross between bells jingling and a chain rattling. and then i have the reoccuring hallucination of a completely white, white clad, hunched over man with black eyes and a chilling grin on the side of the road. he's also about fifteen feet tall and swinging what appears to be a white pendulum.
and i think to myself, 'oh, the sleep dep is starting to take its toll. well, id better get home and finish my essay.'

and here i am. wasting time and trying to ignore a relentless, terrifying paranoia.

im not even kidding.

heres what i'm thinking. the government is having problems with illegal immigrants crossing the mexican border to the u.s.a
my thoughts: annex mexico. mexico is a hole no one WANTS to live in except rich drug dealers and rich white people who buy vacation houses there (POOR PEOPLE SUFFER AND WANT SOMETHING ELSE). annexation of the place would lift the mexican people out of povery, erase half of illegal immigration, and stimulate the economy for both hot spots, the south would be FUCKED because poor racist white trash assholes would be up to their ASSES in middle-upper-class latino capitalists, ect.
this makes more sense to me than sending people to iraq to "fight terrorism"( when all we realy need to do is ask the right questions to that 9/11 prick they keep showing on the news/ questions asked with an angry dogs jaws a few inches from his face whenever there is an obvious withholding of information <this man is well acquainted with just about every terrorist outfit in the middle east, knows a lot, we're gonna put him on death row so he gets free room, board, outside time and CABLE whilst american troops rampage through civillian homes finding NOTHING>)
so by the way why are we in iraq anyway? there is no documentation of any sort of relation between osama and sadam AT ALL, there are NO weapons of mass destruction, there is only LOTS of pissed off muslims who will remain angry untill we get our heavily armed invasive anglo-christian asses out of there homes. at this point we might as well finish the job, but i for one have slapped my forehead real good and hard.
anyway, if mexico were to be annexed, the mexican people would most likely gladly join the military at the recruiters coaxing, such as the sharing of educational and financial opportunities.
there would be a small civil dispute, but seriously, the mexican government is a weak, ill-equiped joke, and i'm sure the word 'revolution' would ring real good and loud in the streets of people who would like to see their children into a better future.
im no great civil genious or anything, but i would LOVE to see the americas unified. i feel we have no buisiness in the middle east. i think we need to take care of shit in our own hemisphere, and offer south american peoples at least the opportunity to collectively accept something better.
unrealistic, yes. but fuck, i'm LIT UP.







pat babcock is a moron.

so last night i had a dream that kayla lived somewhere in san fran. and i was at her house and it was awkward. and somehow i ended up bawling my eyes out and just asking why?
and she kissed me and tells me i wasnt actually interested in her.
and i hurt. and i leave. but i dont know how to get to my house from san fran. so i got lost.

then i woke up with joan talking shit about me on the phone. and i realized i hate them all. im leaving in 8 weeks. and i will do as i please. which is to say, i please to do cecilia. because i love her infinately, because she fits me like the perfect prom dress. she is like the left arm i never had. like the rest of me. the intellegent half with the work ethic and the looks.

and this very moment i am alone. and it hurts.