The mask

Hovers over my past
Covers up what didnt last

Apparently i hurt them all
Even more so i hurt myself

I thought i was always honest
they tell me that this isnt true

I’ve left a – mostly – happy life
In exchange for what _ _ _ ?

What made me leave, pulled me away
Or was i just running away, hiding myself?

There were times, when i considered myself happy
With me, my friends, the world around me

And then i always do stuff
Stuff that hurts them, and in the end hurts me

It seems that i always repeat myself
The pain comes back over and over again

And its always the same pain, caused by me
Over the same situations and resons

By now its accumulated to a big pile of pain
The old still there, not digested, the new added on top

Why do i keep wanting to go back
Why would anyone want to return to ashes and dust

When they can have something instead
That not even remotely triggers any emotion close to the pain

Except despair and regret
And even those are bound to the past

I have destroyed the most important friendships
And have never succeeded in getting anything new that even lightly reflects them

It is haunting
...

(nowhere near being finished)

since i haven't written here for a while, but instead have written in the weblog on my homepage, i'll just paste it here, so you get updated with what's been happening.

01.10.2004, 23:39:14, its friday

"goo goo dolls - bullet proof "

I´m certainly not bullet proof. Neither for real, nor emotional. You wander on earth, thinking you heal eventually, and you start to feel better, but then all of a sudden it comes flooding back. Pain, envy, wrath,... It´s as if all the healing never took place. You´re thrown into a situation, same as the previous one, and you just can´t do anything to change the outcome. It´s all screwed up all over again. Your fault. Or rather mine. Always, every single time.
Ah well, it can´t be helped. Just freaking keep on living, keep going on. "You cannot gain anything, without sacrificing something of equal value." Equivalent trade. I know it´s only from an anime show, but I think they have a valid point. What´s it worth wanting something, if you´re not willing to give anything. Sure, sometimes you give without receiving. That´s just how it is.

 
30.09.2004, 00:09:47, homepage
I´ve been working on the page for the last 3 days now. I actually managed to do some things I wanted. They´re far from perfect, I keep having to ask Christian for help, but slowly, slowly it´s getting where I want it to be.
Check out the updates list on the mainpage, if you want to know the most recent changes.

Tomorrow I´ll have my first university practical. As if that isn´t enough, it´s going to be a short field trip. In september!! It´s going to be fcking freezing and wet. We´ll have to identify plants. I´m studying Z-O-O-L-O-G-Y, not botany! *grrr* How am I supposed to tell mosses apart. I mean, dandelions, tulips, achorns, daisies... that´s the kind of plants that I could identify... Ah, well, it can´t be helped. But I guess I´ll just have to abuse the demonstrators.. that´s what they´re there for after all.

Right then, bedtime now. See you all soon.

(I wonder if anyone actually bothers reading this on a regular basis??...)

 
28.09.2004, 01:42:15, hurt
i hurt. a lot. i dont think i hurt this much since 4. march 2002.
people dont understand. why does no-one ever understand!? there is fun, and there is hurting fun, and then there is only pain. and it doesnt stop. no-one makes it stop. ever. never ever. it hurts.
forgiveness is hard. takes time. will take time. a long time. time heals, but it takes time, a lot of time.
just hope he hurts as much as i do.

(and before you get worried - nothing to do with kev)

 
27.09.2004, 15:25:44, me and diarys
apparently not such a frequent relationship.. me and my diary. me and my weblog. me and elftown. me and fotocommunity.
ah, well. now i´m here and i´ll tell you some things about my life.

i´m back in aberdeen for a rather long while now. in between i was in mallorca for 2 weeks. it was great fun.. and sometimes a bit annoying, but thats just normal.
my fish are doing ok i suppose, although they have been ill - again -
today university started again. it was time. 3 months of nothing are fun, but can get quite boring at times.
the weather basically sucks, but we already knew that. its autumn and i´m in scotland.
i got myself a nice expensive computer chair. hopefully my back won´t be so sore from now on.
hmm.. ok.. not much more right now. tell you more later.
i might actually start really updating my page.. if i ever figure out exactly how and what i want to do..

been to mallorca. back now. scotland is freezing.

life is so damned confusing.
liking someone, being liked back, telling each other, feelings ease.
being called an "Arian", when you're german is certainly no fun. but the other person not understanding why is even less fun. quite irritating.

and i don't fit in. not in the "everyone should fit in" way of the fitting in. i just dont have a style. i wear all sorts of stuff. none of which really match. i admire all those cool people who know who they are and what they wanna be. on days i wish i was like punks, then i wanna be goths, then i wanna be just average, and then i wanna be classy..
that all doesnt make any sense.. why is it all so confusing..

didnt go to france afterall. just london for a day, then mallorca for 2 weeks, then london for a day, and now i'm back in freezing cold aberdeen.

adam's family is quite weird. but in the really cool and funny way weird. he's got 4 chinchillas. they are funny.. and really really fluffy.

on mallorca everything was great, although it was weird to see pillow again.. after all those weird and then none sms.
i tanned a great deal, now my skin is darker than my hair and it just looks really weird. but kinda cool. and i've got silly white bikini marks. looking really weird, too.
then on mallorca, we wanted to go camping for a few days, and actually decided to go to the one official campsite on mallorca. well, we arrive, and they tell us, no more camping just dumb bungalows.. well that was fun, too. but it was sorta expensive. compared to camping that is. cheap compared to hotels. and they had some really great pools.
i discovered how much fun AoE and AoM are in multiplayer, although i'm still not very good at them, i'm too slow in building everything up, and when i used the cheats, the boys got upset and just killed my cute little army.. ah, but what fun.
one day we went sailing with pillows family on their 2 mast sailing boat. that was cool. and we did some snorkling.

today is a hammer competition.. but i dont think i'll participate. 2 weeks of not doing anything, and then performing in public seems dumb. dont wanna do that.
i'm officially a member of the aberdeen uni athletics club now. officially member of the freaks club.

bah.. falling into deep depressions is no fun.. hmpf.

boys are stupid. throw nuclear bombs at them!

on the other hand, i missed kev a lot on mallorca, and it was great coming home yesterday.

two more of my fish died while i was away. now i dont have any guppies left. kev said the platies have just been taking over the tank and are ganging up on everyone else. that sucks. but i cant really do anything. i dont wanna kill the platies..

i thought about going home to germany for my birthday, since its on a saturday, but already flights are expensive. stupid taxes. without taxes and such, they would be really cheap.

Muse - Time is running out
is another great song.

kev wants me to go do the hammering anyway. i dont really want to. i'm still all tired from travelling and stuff.. ah well..

finishing this now, or elftown will logg me out, due to inactivity..

yay.. entry..

*g*
right.. so start with the weather.. scotland is weird.. the last week has just been like really really foggy.. now the sun is shining, but nowhere near warm enough.. i need at least 25+°C to be happy..
J-Kwon - Tipsy rules..

now the boys..
i'm still with kev.. right so. since i'm back from germany things have been going really well, but then again, it's probably just that home-coming-effect..
since pillow and i had that weird sms sending about what we feel or not (all in the weirdest kind of metaphors), he hasnt been writing much (if at all)..
adam told me he likes me.. i've been writing tons and tons of emails with him.. but i think i should go back a little or he'll get the wrong idea.. although he's really really nice..
argh.. this is just so complicated.. i wish i could just be with all 3, and then decide which one i wanna have just depending on how i feel.. that'd be great..
and of course i'd have to be free to go out, and have any other boy or girl i chose, as well..

i had 2 friends from germany here for 5 days.. we had some great fun!
i climbed my first 6A!!! and not just top rope, but actually lead.. :) yeah!!!
the ratho centre climbing hall is great. i just love it.

katrina moved out the flat.. it's nice to have peace and quiet and my computer for myself, but i miss her actually.. it was some great fun.. :)

maybe i'm getting my own car. or my own piano. or lots of climbing equipment.

i'll be going to france with adam. camping. and then we'll go visit pillow in mallorca. and then i might stay in london for a few days with adam.

on tuesday, another friend of mine is gonna come to visit.

and i'm getting my first credit card. yay

and there is tons of things i have to do.. like call my mum, call adam, call the doctor, tidy up, do some washing, write to my landlady, get my new timetable.. aso aso..

but i think my fish are recovering.. they had a bacterial infection. all blown up bellies and stuff. one died, but it seems the rest is recovering. so thats good.

right.. enough rambling now..

oh.. and i bought a tent for 80pounds.. (120euros).. but its cool..

no more being bored! :o)
home is great! i've got my first real bad sunburn in years! (if ever), already went climbing, started making a homepage for my mum's school (teachers don't know anything about computers!!), had a party, fell in love with someone (again, already did like that person before.. ;o), started talking to my ex-best friend again.. in a way that makes it seem it could go back to normal!, made more photos of me, saw germany lose (i bet final is gonna be portugal - czech republik, and the czechs are gonna win), got a haircut and curls, went to the dentist (gotta go again.. oopsie), and saw a performance of my friend. she's a great dancer.

now.. today i didnt plan anything. tomorrow i'll go to my mum's school for more homepage, in the evening i'll go and have my first sushi ever. on saturday my dad will come to see me and in the evening a friend will have a biiiig birthday party (with that person that i like being there too ;o).

i hope i'll find some more time to update this.. ooh.. i miss elftown. this computer sucks! crashes every time i wanna go online.. :)

Sonata Arctica - The Misery

(Tony Kakko)

I write the lines you want me to, with the words I dare to use of all
the ones that you have taught me, along the years

You cast a perfect shadow on the paper, fade away with sunlight, I fear
the way you know me, love can leave a stain...

You steal my only hope and make me stay awake another night,I wish you
bear with me, stay near me
When the Autumn leaves have fallen....
Solitude, my pain, the last thing left of me..

If you fall I´ll catch, if you love I´ll love, and so it goes, my dear,
don´t be scared,
you´ll be safe,this I swear. If you only love me

Seven lonely lies written on Deadwinter´s night, open the only book with
the only poem I can read
In blood I sign my name and seal the midnight with a tear, burn the
paper, every line for them I cried…

If you fall I´ll catch, if you love I´ll love, and so it goes, my dear,
don´t be scared,
you´ll be safe,this I swear. If you only love me

I am the Playwrite and you are my Crown, make me cry for your love, like
you´ve done many times, so I know
I can´t write these storylines without you, Lady pain, make me strong,
can´t we be together without them forever…

The words I write can only hurt you, sorry for the rain, thank you, my
only one, you gave me this pain
I leave you gently on the floor, take one step towards the door,
where´s the letter never written, goodnight now…

If you fall I´ll catch, if you love I´ll love, and so it goes, my dear,
don´t be scared,
you´ll be safe,this I swear. If you only love me

If you fall I´ll catch, if you love I´ll love, and so it goes, my dear,
don´t be scared,
you´ll be safe,this I swear. If you only love me

i'm still bored.

football started. spain won. i'm getting my germany shirt on monday or tuesday.. just in time for the first game! yay!!!

pelayo seems to have lots of fun on his boat.. but he got sunburnt.. hehehe!

going to the pub tonight for the next two games. hope france beats england.. [Urlilbabysuebear]www.footballbadgers.com[/url]

but i'm still bored. and its sorta annoying that katrina lives with me at the moment.. she's always using my computer, messing up my playlists and downloading lots of crap.. hmpf.. at least she'll be paying rent..
but on the other hand its quite fun, too.. its so weird..

ooh.. baah..
life is so dull..

i totally miss uni. who'd ever think i miss something that involves learning!!..
i'm soooo bored. gosh, i just hope it gets better next saturday when i go home.
everytime i'm bored i'm thinking of calling pelayo or adam to see what they're doing, and if i could go see them and just hang out.. but baaah.. pelayo is on a boat in the mediterranean sea right now. sailing from his home mallorca to greece and back, and adam went home to london.. angie went home to greece. this is just sooo dull.. and they all wont come back till september. i'll be stuck here from end july till uni starts again. i'm gonna die of boredom.. surely.
and i've gone fat. its so annoying. i have nice little healthy breakfast.. (toast with lettuce, tomato, cucumber).. but then for dinner its all spagetti and mince and sauce and 2 helpings.. hmpf..
at least my dear boyfriend is fat, too.. ;) i mean.. he's complaining about it sooo much. more than me.. hehe..
but its still really annoying...

today the sun is actually shining.. sort of.. which is good. cos monday i was totally upset, cos in cologne they had sunshine and 31° C, and here it was cloudy with rain, and 15°.. hmpf.. oh well.. own choice..

right.. i'll go grab some lunch now, and maybe later i'll go and place a bid that germany will win Euro 2004.. as if that would happen... lol

obviously not as big as i thought that ramble.. hmpf

time for a biiiig big ramble now.. its quite a while since i last wrote..

so.. here goes..

new fish.. 10 neons, 2 guppies (no dead ones), 1 platy. they are all cute. same link as below for updated aquarium stuff

i finished my exams.. yay! but i dont think i did too well, so i can only hope that i passed them.

work still sucks, and i really really wanna quit. the cinema are looking for staff, so i might apply there instead.

i've seen harry potter on tuesday. its good, they twisted the book, but its still good.

everyone starts going home now. uni is finished for this year, and doesnt start again till end of september. :( pelayo already left for majorca (1 hour ago), adam is going next wednesday, marc goes on friday, katrina is home for a week, and comes to live at mine for a while, rachel.. well rachel is rachel. ash is away since 4 days, duncan stopped uni at all..
this just sucks.. who am i gonna geek out with?! hmpf..
and the ppl at home have all changed.. they are like totally not the way they used to be.. this just sucks.
and now its 6.21am and i havent been sleeping at all.. rubbish..

bah bah bah.. another of my cute guppies died. i think something is wrong with the water. gonna take a sample to the fish-shop today. they told i should bring one in, next time i come anyway.. this is just not fair.. *mumble*
and i decided i'd make a partial water change. changed about 10l.. i dont want my fish to die. its noooooooooooot fair!!!

oh... and my new work is ok i guess.
on friday was my first day there. the first 2 hours were really freaky. i was thinking of quitting even before the night was over... i had to walk around and collect empty glasses.. and empty ashtrays and stuff like that.. but then when i got all panicky they let me swap with someone else, so i was behind one of the bars, and had to clean glasses. that was a lot better, cos i didnt have to handle so many people.
and on saturday i had to collect glasses again, but it was better, cos i knew the place then, and i knew some of the staff and such.. so i managed to do my job the whole night long.. i think i've earned about 60 pounds now..

i've seen troy yesterday. really cool film!! but i won't tell you about it, cos i don't wanna spoil it for anyone..:)

i went and bought new fish today.. 3 guppies, and 1 "suckerfish" thing.. i think it's a whiptail something...

anyway.. its really good that i didnt give them names yet, cos one of the guppies seems to be dying already. guess he couldnt handle the stress, even though i did my best to make it calm and easy. the others seem to be really fine, and sean and willow are being nice, too.
i'm kinda sad, cos the one that's dying is the one that had the prettiest colors, and anyway.. he was real cute.
i can just hope that the whiptail doesnt die, cos he cost 7 pounds.. for a fish.. omg..
if i put pics on my homepage, i'll link them to my house.
i'll have to think of names for them though.. even if the cute one dies.. they need names. everyone needs a name.

did i already write that i gave my cuty cute fish names?? anyway. i've got a smaller red one, with black tail and fins, and he's called Sean. the other one is a litte bit bigger and orange, with 2 black stripes along her tail, and she's called Willow. I cant wait till i get more. they are sooo adorable. never though i could have so much fun with fish, since i cant cuddle them.
tonight im going to a friends house, and we'll watch dvds. probably anime dvds. and i hope my friend finds the 2nd dvd of berserk, since i think thats a really really good anime. even though sometimes its a little disturbing.

and i think i'm in love.. but not that it matters.. its less the obsessive kind this way.. and i don't get jealous much. still some, but not much. might be cos i'm kinda happy with kev.. but i still get crushs on a regular basis.. thats weird.. oh well.. i think life is pretty fun right now.. :D

ok.. quick update here.. :)

i've got a job!! wohoo. i was so totally nervous during the interview, but it looked kinda easy afterwards.
i'll be working at chicago rock café in aberdeen.. friday and saturday nights.. well.. gonna be tired and stuff, but they said i'll get about 75pounds (110€) a week. thats not too bad.

i'm pretty nervous about my exams in 2 1/2 weeks.. didnt do much studying yet, and i can't seem to get my head around it, or stay concentrated once i do. i'm fairly sure i'll pass the exams, but i dont just wanna pass, i do sort of wanna get good marks.. but i feel so lazy and sleepy all the time..

i've got 2 fish for my aquarium.. 2 platys. they are so cute.. ;) if they're ok in a week from now, i'll know that my tank is safe, pump working fine and stuff.. and then i can go and buy some more fish.. :D yay

a friend showed me "sonata arctica" they are cool!!! they really really rock! http://www.sonataarctica.info
best songs so far i think are "broken" "champagne bath" and "silver tongue" all on the "winterheart's guild" album

i'm tired.

ooh. today is a happy day :)

first, it was all sunny this morning.
second, i saw someone
third, i skived to lectures with some friends, and we had food instead
fourth, my practical was really easy today
fivth,.. :D
i think i've got a crush on my lab-demonstrator. she is sooo nice. 2 weeks ago, she wasnt there, and someone else had to take over for her, and i was really upset. today i kinda said. "how dare you leave us alone like that".. i think i meant more, how dare she leave me alone like that. i got all nervous and had this tickly-funny-in-love-feeling in my tummy all the 3 hours, and it got intense whenever she got near me.. omg.. and this was my last lab for this year. :( i'm gonna miss her. but she just got married (when she wasn't there, she apperently were in new york on honeymoon thing).. oh well.. the simple things in live.. i had real fun though.. didnt feel this feeling for years, i dare say.

right. life still sux. pretty much.
why are boys so stupid?

what would you do, if you boyfriend called you a slapper? and what would you do, if on the next day you asked him, and he said he wasn't even sorry, and wouldn't take it back?

situation was this:
we went out to one of his mates, to play some poker with them. it was pretty fun. since i am getting along quite well with his mates (unless him.. he doesnt like any of my friends.. least he behaves like he doesnt). particularly me and richard get on quite well, so we made a couple of jokes and talked a bit. with kev (my bf) still sitting in the middle.
we joked, that we could swap seats, so we dont have to talk past kev all the time, but he said no, in quite a stern way. when we asked why, he said he doesnt trust neither me nor richard. again why, and he said because i was a slapper (slang for slut, lose woman).

life sux.

life sux!

wohoo.. another one of these horror-crazy dreams. really.. the one today was worse than any of the others yet.. it started off i think, with me having a birthday, and just wanting to keep sleeping, and my mum kept waking me, and i should open my presents, which were all old things, except for a poster (cant remember what was on it), and she put it on the wall and for some stupid reason she punched 2 holes in it. which totally upset me. then i was late for school. and for some other weird reason it was christmas, too. my first lesson was a german lesson with my teacher from 5th and 6th (and then later again) grade, that i had a total crush on. but helping him was some really bitchy teacher, and cos i never ever listened, she just called me out again and again and again, so i got really really pissed off and shouted at her, and in the end i turned her, with the chair upside down (dont ask me how that works..) and drew a smily on her fat as*. well i started, and she got up again, and said, she'd send me to the headmaster and stuff like that. the rest of the class was just laughing, and sorta being on my side. that teacher i had the crush on just stood there all the time, with his arms crossed and a small smile on his face.
because i was late in the first place, i got a lift, so i didnt have my bike to go home in my free hour after that, so i kinda went to the library/computer room (we didnt have sth like that- not openly accesible anyway, but the university does.. so..). i talked to some ppl and they all agreed that she is a total bitch and deserves to be burned or sth. then.. i dont know what happend to my next lesson, but there was this weird christmas party. dont remember much about that, and then me and a couple of other ppl where in a room, where we're not supposed to be, and my crush-teacher was coming closer, so we all kind of hid somewhere.. there was some sort of curtain over the wall with a secret passage behind it.. (weird, i know) anyway. we all kinda hid in there, and i dont know what he did, and then i was outside, watching a camera from inside the room, cos somehow 2 of us were journalist-like, and they stayed and had a mike and a camera, and then there was a big bang, and some light exploded and the teacher was dead, and the other 2 thougth they were going to die, too, and just stayed, doing they're journalist-duty, but they didnt die. and i ran back inside. and i knew he was dead, but he wasnt there. and i just started crying a LOT and everyone just walked past me, and no-one asked why or noticed that he was dead. seemed like it was just me. and i quickly talked to a girl that i only knew for like 3 years, then she changed schools, and we just agreed that i was kind of cool, that he always told both of us off for drawing in his lessons at the same time. so she must have noticed. or she thought i was just weird. for some reason, the room was outside at the same time. and then my friend's mum came by with my dog on the lead, and usually i kneel down, and she lets my dog go and my dog comes to me. my dog tried to come to me, but she didnt let go, so it all just was more of a mess, and it started snowing, and i wanted to take a picture of something, but as soon as i had my camera it stopped and didnt look any pretty anymore.
and when i woke up i was still crying.

now, that was a weird dream. i am convinced i've got a couple of real psychological problems. not that they're severe or anything, but i'm pretty sure, they're there..
does anyone actually read this??

father complex or not.. i was dreaming about giles this morning.. and it felt awesome. i mean. he's an old guy and such, but he's just so appealing, and, and,.. all this stiff-upper-lippy-britishness.. its so sexy, and, and, i've been reading this buffy-stuff all day, and giles' character is just so romantic and, and, polite and stuff.. and i just wish i'd be with someone like that for real.. why did people invent these perfect book/film/tv relationships, where everyone is happy in the end.. true romance and that.. does it really exist in real life, or is it extinct like dinosaurs.. but then again, there are a few creatures around from dino-time.. and then again, again... my life certainly is not filled with romance.. it hurts.. :'(

i was climbing yesterday!!! :D
but now i'm all sore. and uni starts again today. gotta go to my first lecture in about 15 minutes. and its allc old outside.. :( dont wanna go. and i'm going home in 2 months.. thats cool.. but its scary, cos that means, that in waaaaaay less than 2 months i've got exams, and i didnt even start any revision yet. and they actually did teach stuff that i didnt know before this time, unlike last term, where i had done all the stuff in school like a million times before.. aaah.. someone help me!