No Pills

Ah yes, the sweet smell of insanity on the horizon!

God I missed me.

Me the bitch that is, suppressed by the concoction the doctors have prescribed and I have so religiously taken for so long.

"Ah" I sigh as I stretch my invisible wings, not the kind that comes equipped with a halo, the kind that gargoyles wear. The kind with long thin hollow bones, webbed with the skin of the slain souls devoured.

"Beautifully broken" I answer his question, "How are you?" Only Daniel could hear that and listen and accept the way he does.

Only Daniel saw through my facade last time, one guesses he will continue to do so. Maybe this means he deserves me?

No one i know deserves me. Deserves the lows.

But yet again; no one i know deserves me. Deserves the highs.

I am bound to myself forever, which, I suppose is why I created two of me, as not to get lonely.

I'm going to be in trouble for what I started today. But no one ever wins against me. As of yet I do not know what the prize is, I don't know what stakes I have set, what I will gain from starting the games.

However, the ball is rolling. And I never loose.

i hate valentines. i hate no one loving me. and i hate being the other woman, second best

Once in a while i feel the need to write in here. I'm sad. Life in general has me sad. I'm longing for something and I'm even sure what it is. I'm broody because of these stupid pills I've been taking....I can't sleep because they have run out, I don't have the time or the money to visit the doctor to renew my perscription and I have an exam tomorrow.

I am a little stressed.

I keep having this dream I am pregnant.

And over and above all I am just so tired of it all. I'd like to hide, to disappear and not tell anybody. To creep back into the crevices of my youth, of my past and try to understand who I am, and why I am the way I am. Sometimes I think to quit who I am for an easier occupation would be good. To leave behind everything which defines me, every person who defines me, every item that every meant anything to me.

Self destruction? But what does that mean? That I find joy in my own pain? That I thrive on it? Then why, as surely its not even remotely natural.

Or mayhap with the wisdom of Joy Luck and the insight of the tiger it is time to turn to the black stripe, to change the ways of extrovert, extravagance, passion and gold into those of introvert, self-preservation, secret and black. Embrace the dark to protect the light.

Or mayhap I should come straight to everyone.

I have been lying to them.

Right, so i am finally changing my description and am actually going to put up some things about me. Am thinking of something incredibly sneakily clever to discuss at length in order to give you a better understanding of how my mind works..but alas i am at a loss.

Therefore i shall now discuss my pets through time.......

This list shall not necessarily be in order however.

My first pets were Patsy a pure bred Siamese cat and a Border Collie named Sally.

Patsy was a seal point and very snobby though she was lovely and i loved her, she lived for ages and we had her from when i was little little in South Africa until we were in Zambia.

Sally was very stupid but lovable and she had a puppy whom i then named Smiley...i think he was retarded...When Sally had her puppies she was so excited she went madly crazy licking me and running away and back to me until i followed her to the bottom of the garden, where she turned to make sure i was still following and then crawled under some bushes, of course i followed being the brave child i was to be faced with what seemed like millions of blind rodents. Sally was so pleased with herself and beamed at me.

So then we moved house and i knew Smiley had been sick, and when we got to the new house he was nowhere to be found my parents lied to me and said they had brought him -.- very sneaky of them. i knew better than to believe him, he died.

Eventually we had to give Sally away since we were moving to Zambia and my parents said she didnt have the temperament for the move soo.... we gave her to the police force and she became a police dog, apparently a wonderful one.

We had gotten a bullterrior cross in the meantime who came with us to Zambia, i named her Cherry, god alone knows why, her brother was a wonderful dog but she ate all the livestock and would go on never ending killing streaks and eat everything, she tried to eat the workers too, so we had to give her away to friends of ours who didnt have likkle killable animals.

You can see my luck non?

So we lived on a farm, and Dad bought me a horse, she was just a foal at the time her name was Fairway Mistral, she is Arab, Thoroughbred and Irish Draught mix. She was a bitch, and was cheeky and nughty but i love her ^^,

I also made friends with this chicken we had...she was black and i named her Penny i tamed her by feeding her corn, then when she laid eggs i used to sit with her while she sat on them, and when they hatched i used to take all her chicks from her and baby sit them coz i thought that she would need a rest, she seemed grateful to my 7 year old mind. She would wonder off and then eventually come back to claim them all.

After a few years Penny and the other chickens mothered billions of chickens we had to extend the orchard. Then Penny got eaten by a python. We caught it and gave it to friend of ours with a reptile park, its name is now Lilly (i named it too).

Right, onto guinea pigs, i forget their names there were lots, though they kept being eaten by giant rats who would dig into their cage so we designed a state of the art pen...my dad had the workers and builders at it for days ^^, we dug a hole 1.5m deep and lined it with cement, then filled it with the soil, and built up the walls, that way the rabbits could dig and not get out and the rats couldt get in.

I had a rabbit, whose name was Blackberry, which then evolved into Babby, he was adorable. He had to live in the pantry for a while when he was sick.

Meanwhile i learnt to horseride, for when one day I'd have to break Mistral in.

We had a piggery on the farm, and i grew very attached to various piglets who were the runts of the litter, this probably stemmed from watching Charlottes web, and insisted Dad give them to me to raise. Which of course he did :) We converted a spare stable into a pig sty and i raised generation after generation of Miss-Piggys, once i had piglet named Sugar. One day the men at the piggery realised they were short of pigs to take to the slaughter house, and came to collect Miss-Piggy the 2nd and Sugar. However I had spies in the form of gardeners who ran to the house to tell me of this treachery! And I sprinted down the road to catch these foul men! At 8 I think i threatened penelty of death dare they take another step...this man had a sack over each shoulder with my pet pigs in them!!! Eventually I had my way and got to keep my pigs. A few weeks later when all the guinea pigs and rabbits were being kept within cages in the pig pen while their new pen was being build one of the rabbits gave birth, as i walked in in the moring i saw this strange hairless blind thing crawling and would have picked it up except i wasnt sure what it was....next thing Sugar ate it!!!! So i sent Sugar for slaughter, and i didnt have a boy pig after that.

All the Miss-Piggys went on to have babies.

It was about this time I first witnessed my first rabid dog, note I have only been going into MY pets, my family is rather large, their were other pets during this time :P mainly dogs and cats however.

Dogs with rabies are the scariest thing in the entire world, they are creepy and souless, and there is no cure for rabies, rabid dogs must be killed and their bodies burnt, the disease is carried in the nervous, salivary and synovial fluid, it is a disease of the nervous system and results in madness, its scientific name being hydrophobia or "fear of water". If you are bitten or come into contact with one a series of 6 injections must be taken at set intervals.

Well it was guy fawkes and we were watching fireworks, and this rabid dog came into the garden and was chasing our dogs, my sister thought it was one of our dogs and ran her hand over it as it ran past salivating and staggering...we all screamed and ran inside. Dad shot it with his revolver.

We moved house, and I got an Alsatian puppy named Untombian (it means girl) she was lovely, and unconditional in her loving. She had to go into isolation when she was pregnant however since she was around when another rabid dog showed up, when she had her puppies i went in with her anyway coz i couldnt bare to leave her on her own...they were adorable ^^,

We had tortises as well :)

And i started to ride Mistral

Around this time Patsy died of cancer, which was awfully sad, but she had had a long full life and we all loved her thoroughly until the end.

I then got some birds since I had been pestering Dad to build me an avery for ages. I was given 6 full grown lovebirds and one 3 week old baby whom i raised and named MacMaster after the man who gave them to me. He was shhooooo cute and used to sit on the end of my pencil whenever I did my homework and bite it. He turned out to be inbred and died just before he was fully grown.

In Zambia during the rainy season huge giant white land snails emerge, my sister and friends of ours caught 6 one year and we decided these would be out new pets in the end we released all but 3 which i kept in a tray of soil in my room they were very well behaved and mostly stayed in their tray, they then laid eggs, which i collected and they hatched into tiny little snails, Mikaila my sister insisted on keeping them, I told her she would forget to feed them.....she did, and all the baby snails died.

I kept the big snails for 3 years or so when we then released them, in the garden.

Bubbles was my Siamese fighter fish, he used to blow bubbles coz he was lonely.

We moved house again and I got 3 Marsh snakes , one escaped and the cat ate, another lost its will to live since the other one bullied it so much and eventually the last one excaped and prolly still lives in that house somewhere.

Untombian...or Tomby for short was still around, as lovable as ever, then we moved again and then again and we gave her to good friends of ours who have a farm in Zambia, since we moved to Indonesia.

I now have a pet fish whose name is Depp, his best friend is a fish names Cleese who belongs to my friend Tam. We cat tell the difference between them. One day one fish was about to die, when Tam told me she was coming over to visit, she is a sensitive soul and would be immensely upset by the death of one of our fish, so i sprinted to the pet shop exclaiming my immediate need for a replacement lookalike, sprinted back and had just released the pseudo Depp into the bowl when Tam arrived. She still doesnt know Depp the 1st passed on and i shall never tell her.

Currently my fishes in South Africa are in a bucket of water while I am on holiday in Indonesia, I am hoping enough algae grows on the rock to oxygenate the water and provide food for my likkle fishies while i am away. If not i will once again buy new look alikes :)

That is all for now.

i **** ** ***** **** *** **** ** *** **** ** *** ****. But ** *** ***** ** **** ** ***** **** **** *** ***** ** ** ****.

i hate people. i hate everyone actually.

*fumes* i dont get life i dont.
i dont get me either. i hate how complicated everything has to be. what i wouldnt give to have it straightforward...no strange arrangements, no unconventional tendencies....same town, same people, a nice to the point of being boring guy...my parents just down the road. Why cant that be me.

Finally back in Joburg...Debbie found my real diary hooray!! Thank God she found it coz its so ooozing with juice it would be scary in the wrong hands *shivers* like maggies. Gross.

So no more of these entries and they shall get deleted off internet too, then i can add in the juicey bits.

Got to Harare only to be basically attacked by that damn bitch Erika, with her whiney little voice...oooh kristina has noo friends...what am i to do....do you think it would be ok if you went out with kristina tomorrow night...she is so lonely....and so upset from her breakup. Meanwhile the girl is fine -.- then she asked my gran if she could drop the stupid girl off the next day after school which was a pain coz she is soo shy and now it was my responsibility to talk to her draw her out and then later to dress her do her makeup and her hair. She is 16 for Christ's sake i am not a fucking babysitter. So knowing i am flying the next day i agree to go out with her since i am obliged to and the way it was put ther was no way out...i end up saying hun its late i have to go...hun call vince he takes forever he is droping some girl off then finally gets there want to have a drink then finally agrees to leave then the gf wants to come then has to say bye to all her friends then they have to drop some dickhead off first.

It was fucked i ended up getting home at 5:30 and Kulu had been waiting up since 3 worrying...i was fuming and still a lil drunk.

I texted Adrian while i was drunk. he replied and then yesterday i got the first flirty sms from him ever. ..i had said you must learn sara-speak and he replied "il have to brush up on it....the speak i mean =)

hmm apart from that i am about to go and pamper myself :)

Am going to miss Kalimba, its so much by home its disgutsing...i have so much planning to do these next few days. I really need to start managing my time better.

lol well, i saw niel sileto that night :P and the guy i thought was yani turned out to be puzo haha... got so awsted i have some blank bits, stalked some blonde guy who was there with 2 girls he radiated foriegn...well scandanavian actually hahaha...in the en he wasnt all that hot and i wasnt in the mood for a 4some the girls werent up to scratch either...

saw loads of people

Just spent the day with Steph Shenton, she is holding up better than anyone could hope for. I hurt for her so badly. I hope i helped some. Dont think i did.

She is such a lovely girl i cant believe marie talked me into thinking she was anything less.... and it was marie as much as marie tries to tell me that she never had a problem with her. I suppose i am very loyal to marie though.

Am at arcades online...just for old times sake i suppose. -.- i want my proper diary back -.- am fed up with this. Am feeling teary and no one is online, it would be utterly unappropriate for me to cry my eyeballs out at arcades. But i see no one i know. And am stuck here untill whatever time Arjan decides to show up.

Went to UNZA today, that was interesting. Decided Vet Med there is deff a no no, i wouldnt be happy or comfortable i would always be thinking about how much better i could have done.

Am going to drink myself into oblivion tonight. See if I can drink enough to peg it ...:P always been curious as to if you can possibly get your blood alcohol levels so high that you die...they say you can...

Why is the world so screwed up? Rape, affairs, death of unnatural causes, manic depression, suicide where are the days when those were the things i saw on tv...and now i have a weakness, one thing that if it goes wrong things dont work out. Damn it. When will I be strong enough. I cant wait until i am made of stone.

ok so a vodka and lime is 6 pin at bowling alley
50 divide by 6 is.... 9 ^^ fuckloads enough by the time everyone arrives i will be my normal bubbly self.

Where the fuck is everyone?!

*holds back tears*

-.-

am not even pms!!!

i hate that i am so afriad of loosing people. i hate it...its irrational.

if anyone hits on my tonight when i am drinking at the bar alone i will hit them so damn hard.

am fed up with old sleezy men.

i just saw Murray. he is going to marry Caroline, everytime i think about him i want to be sick, i think he is part of the reason i am all teary...i just want to puke everytie i see him. if he speaks to me i might just declare my extreem hatred. its so weird i forget him most the time then when i see him i freak out. i have no idea what she sees in him, doesnt she see what he really is, or at least what he turns into?

omg!!! drugs!! i am at the centre of the drugs universe ^^, i shall get fucking high tonight i shall see if i can get some e.

will be the last time i am can go off the rails before i become a mother -.-

^^, am relieved this temporary diary thingy is working out (if anyone checks this please let me know so i can stop writing) heh, but no one ever checks em ^^,

Anyway went riding yesterday and today stayed with Karen, that was interesting since in the 18 months i havent ridden have lost all my confidence, and all my riding fitness, that said i still rode out 3 times yesterday on 4 different horses and then rode Vanilla bareback(kinda just sat so Laura could work with Luna). Rode BitterLemon for old times sake jumped him over some logs and a few old cross country jumps Laura was on Smartie, BL put in some adorable bucks he was exstatic to actually be ridden properly again and to be jumping he went beautifully and really enjoyed it, wanted to role in the water though :P. Rode Crown out who was fucking crazy so swapped with Patrick who is wow amazing now, onto a new one Sailor, who was utterly reliable untill it came to a steep bank/ditch down and up he was petrified which scared me which made things worse, i couldnt even lead him through it, toguh it must be said it was shit footing and rather high. Patrick rode him through. He was awesome later thoguh when we got chased by these dogs, not even a nervou twitch, and when we gotinto the forest with the horse flies and everyone else was crazy he was fine. Crown bucked fucking huge to try get the flys off i was sooo glad i was off him by then. Then the other one i rode was Candid King who was lovely ...and moved nicely. And Vanilla is well....Vanilla gotta love her.

BL remembered me when he heard my voice shoved his head out the door and nickers was all glowing to see me, which is nice coz he was so unresponsive before.

Finally today rode BL in a lesson with Patrick when i got off there was a lady who had literally chopped the tip of her finger off with a sickle so i went with Sandra (lady who is now helping run the stables) and her finger to the hospital, i was appointed fingertip holder and had to carry round this finger in cotton wool. We kept her arm up etc got to Hilltop hospital whereas Sandras going "um well you seee..she...er"
Me " She has cut her finger off, we need to sew it back on"
they did their usual...."ah butti fill in this form"
Me" We need to put this finger on ice"
Them "Ah...butti we have no ice"
Me"Do you have a fridge"
...yes...i ended up scraping off ice build up off the top of the freezer to preserve it, was rather funny.
Them "We cannot do this procedure" (after we had filled in all the forms)
"Go to Italian Orthodedic"
So we did where we met a lovely little Indian man who was delighted at us bringing him a finger and prompty took it from us sending us with the woman to a nurse....4 hours later we finally left it was just a typical Zambian act the pharmacy was closed and we needed her drugs etc...in the end he did a stunning little job of reattaching it, and she was literally glowing, and thanked Sandra and I thoroughly for helping her. So cute. And rightly so considering i took such care of her finger for her. Which she had had to dig for through the grass she had been cutting :P

Queasy?

So then we went home id worked up quite an appetite ...:P so ate all Karens food then up and left for movies with Bill and Manu and Laura. In the car park saw Ryan Chevelo...same old he recognised me surprisingly considering how long ist been since i last saw him we spoke a lil. Think il score him tomorrow night if i do go out...fun fun :P. It was Bills idea to see this movie he bought the tickets and didnt really give us a choice but in the end he hated it and we loved it...Night at the Museum...it was stupid and fun ^^,

Now i shall proceed to bitch about Muffin since he is not online -.- Bah Humbug.

Woo Hoo think thats it *is tired* i hurt all over ...arrg riding!

*sings* unhappy unhappy very very very very unhappy....

i feel like them damn accountants from The Producers

*licks the screen*

Boredom, wonder if anyone will read this.... boredom.

I wonder if i have a right to my ego

I wonder what will hapen this year. Am scared what might happen this year too. Afraid that my friends and I are living such different lives the irritation I now feel for some of them will spred and soon I will just phone them out of pity.

People grow apart. It's sad. It's even sadder when only one of the people realises it's happened, coz they are the only one who have changed. Not changed fundementaly, just have other things to deal with now.

Je suis La Biche...non?

I hate blogging, and people who blog are lame.....thats why i am blogging here ....since I know no one will ever read it ^^,

How sneaky am I.

Simon is dead, Claire is pregnant, Ash is engaged to a man who will be in hospital for the next 6 months, Tom is a coke addict, Marie isn't a virgin, Greg proposed to me, for that matter so did Tom, Matthew has a girlfriend *eyes wide*

Mikaila might be bipolar, the scary thing is when I was listened to the man describing his exact symptoms is that I think I might be too. But Kaila is living with me this year, it is my job to be stable to provide security, its the only option available for her right now, thats why I gave up physiotherapy. So I cant tell anyone :P how funny *is all maternal*

-.- i lost my damn diary thats why this is here -.- when i find it again i will write this out.


Im hungry, but have eaten so much junk....hmm i want scrambled eggs. mmmm i found imported dutch cheese in the fridge!!! *munches happily*.....*feels sick* too much!!!

Thinking I should really take a chance and bitch about someone ....mwahahahahaha except I cant think of anything to say bout anyone. Except maybe Paul DeLange or Danielle Wezlar *kicks and kills Dani* She is engaged, hahahahah!!!! Will finally broke up with her when he found out she had been lying about the rape, he had had her on anti-retrovirals coz she had convinced him and prolly herself that she had HIV!!!! Even though she had tested negative and hadnt been raped at all.

Stupid girl.

Am worried, my parents are now 2 hours late, and i cant get through to them.


Matthew and his brat side-kick announced the other night I'd be hotter if i was meaner, going on to explain if a guy saw me flirting with another guy he deemed "below" himself then he would automatically rate me below himself and move on. Of course Im too much of a nice girl to point out that both of them are below me and on a night out id never look at either twice.

HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAHAAA

-.- pft where are my parents.

30 THINGS THAT WIll MAKE YOUR PARENTS GO CRAZY

1. Follow them around the house everywhere...
2. Moo when they say your name...
3. Run into walls...
4. Say that wearing clothes is against your religion...
5. Stand over them at four in the morning with a huge grin on your face and say, good morning sunshine...
6. Pluck someone's hair out and yell, "DNA"...
7. Wear a sticker that says, "I’m a retard"...
8. Have 20 imaginary friends that you talk to all the time...
9. In public yell, "No Mom/Dad, I will not make out with you!!"...
10. Do what they actually tell you...
11. Jump off the roof, trying to fly...
12. Hold their hand and whisper to them, I see dead people...
13. At everything they say yell, Liar...
14. Try to swim in the floor...
15. Tap on their door all night...
16.Pretend to have amnesia...
17.Say everything backwards...
18.Give yourself a swirly...
19.Run around with a lamp shade on your head yelling, "the sun!!! it's dying!!!"...
20.Sing at the top of your lungs while running around the house...in your underwear...
21.Have nervous spasms at spontaneous times...
22.Snort loudly when you laugh and then laugh harder...
23.Run in circles...
24.Recite a whole movie 3 times...
25.Pretend to beat yourself up...
26.Slither everywhere...
27.Wear your pants on your head and your shirt on your waist... tell them you're making a fashion statement...
28.Try and drink out of a glass the wrong way...
29.Super glue your finger up your nose...
30.Talk to a pen...


and finally last but not least .....

I am gemini...this is me lil ^.^



"The Twins"
Gemini's have amazing brains[remember this people] They store data like you wouldn't believe. Lots of people think they talk garbage but this is because their minds move faster than their mouth.[haha so yes i am superior to you] Gemini's are generous, affectionate and impulsive and hate hanging around. Boredom and relaxing frightens them. If they're not on the move they go mad. They are great with kids because they never grow up themselves. If you have a Gemini friend, life will never be dull. They love to be respected; this is pretty hard because they're so changeable.[and u dont understand our braininess] In fact, they are often prone to losing their train of thought mid sentence. They're practical jokers too, but can get aggravated if someone turns the trick on them.





Gemini's are often accused of being short on intellect and unable to stick to anyone or anything for long. In a nutshell, great fun at a party but totally unreliable. This is unfair...nobody works harder, is more reliable or capable than Gemini's when they put their mind to a task, especially if there is a chance of making large sums of money! [money ...where?!! w00t w00t!!!!]



Unfortunately, they have a low boredom threshold and can drift away from something or someone when it no longer interests them.[your name again?] They like to be busy with plenty of variety in their lives and the opportunity to communicate with others. Their forte lies in the communications industry where they shamelessly pinch ideas and improve on them.[gasps who me?] Many Gemini's are highly ambitious people who won't allow anything or anyone to stand in their path.[if you wont get out the way il kick you out the way]



They are surprisingly constant in relationships, often marrying for life but if it doesn't work out, they will walk out and put the experience behind them. Gemini's need relationships and if one fails, they will soon start looking for the next. Faithfulness is another story however, because the famous Gemini curiosity can lead to any number of adventures.[No Comment] Gemini's educate their children well while neglecting to see whether they have a clean shirt. The house is full of books, videos, televisions, CD's, newspapers and magazines and there's a phone in every room!



Ruling Planet: Mercury
Quality: Mutable
Element: Air


[k well the forgot to say....or maybe its not a typical trait but i find once you have a geminis trust they are the most loyal people in the world....but you dare backstab us and revenge is our nature....bitch our soul]

bah humbug...am i scared? is that it..

haha am so happy!!
quote of the day...Ren and Stimpy: Happy happy joy joy happy happy joy happy happy joy joy happy happy joy Happy happy joy joy joy....

ok no idea where this is coming from but i am grateful thankyou!!!! il be in town till tuesday!! w00t!!!!

i reckon this would be a good time to write coz im not sad, and im a happy person usually i am i love happiness, i also love drugs but i am not an any!! just caffine i think im a lil mad ...yay!!!

crazy in the head noone shall ever understand me coz as a woman i am fickle and being a woman i am allowed to be fickle and therefore the fact that i cahnge my mind about everything all the time just makes me more womanly.....so if im nice to u one day and a bitch the next its either pms or i am fickly deciding i dont like u anymore...im not like that no it would be pms.

wow what a mood i seem to be in....i would go for night swim, but our pool is haunted coz someone drowned in it :$ yeh so nightly swims on your own are scary, i havent gone skinny dipping here yet maybe the ghost would be more approving nekkid swimming...well im not gonna try on me own...tis risky

so i gots a job tomorrow i sit wit a kid for 2 hrs she does her homework and then we meant to talk coz she is ging thru stuff at home, sorta council her i get paid and tis at the school so i get to perv over the schoolboys yay!!! did i just say that...i meant..the teachers!! meh w/e

mwahahahahahahahaaaa kksies im done

a good friend will help you move
a good girl will help your body
a true girlfriend will help you move a dead body

haha i am a true girlfriend.

right anyways, to those of u who read my diary thankyou!!!!! and u better sign my guestbook coz if u dont then i know u dont read them nd therefore dont care.....

i was sorta wondering where the carefree happy me went anyone seen her? i can only find the rejected moping me lately and she sucks......i reckon tis solitary confinement again soon till i have everything back on track....anyone have a straightjakcet i may borrow? we shall rig a squash court out wit gym mats to act as me padded room......haha