cut my arms again, there really bad, i think i should go to hospital, but i dont really care anymore....wha
im much better then the last time i wrote in here, sort of....
my bruises have gone and my nose and ribs are slowly healing, thankgod...i can walk now without the crutches...i fucking hated them!!!!
mam's finnaly stopped being a biotch about the whole colin thing but my dad still thinks i did it for attention!!! how the fuck can i do it for attention? i didnt want him to fucking beat me up! havet spoken to my 'dad' for a couple of weeks now but i dont really care anymore, im sick of giving him chances.... graham's starting to get better thankgod, i still think he's being really funny towards me...i havet done nowt wrong to him so why hes being like that i dont know?
i hope i get my flat soon coz im sick of all the shit round mine....most of it comes from julia.....i wish she would fuck off!
just got back from hospital a couple of days ago coz i got mixed up with some lad called colin hopper and he didnt like me asking innocent questions about him so he kicked me in the nose and head and stamped on my chest!! ive got a broken nose and a fractured rib and black eyes but apart from that im ok....hes been done for GBH but hes making threats that he'll torch the house and kill me....im starting to think if going to the police was the right thing to do? its just made things worse...my dad thinks i did it for attention!!! how the fuck can i do that? i didnt want him to beat me up!!!!
well whats happened since tyhe last time i wrote in here? well im back with my grandad and we're busy redecorating the house! not really talking to anyone round me coz sumthing bad happened to me, i cant even say it without crying, im shaking, hang on a need another whiskey!
im back...one of my best mates raped me while another lad pinned me down! the police say its my word against them and it wouldn't be worth going to court, i dont know wat to do? no one in my family really believe me! and thAt hurts so much....but the hardest thing is that i have to live nexy door to them animals! im not taking anything (anti-depressan
My song...
it's the first time i've ever felt this lonely
i wish someone would cure my pain
it's funny when you think it's gonna work out
til you chose her over me your so lame!
i thought you were cool to the point...
up until the point you didn't call me when you said you would
ive finnaly figured out your all the same
always coming up with some kind of story
everytime i try to make you smile
you always start feeling sorry for yourself
everytime i try and make you laugh
you can't your too tough
you think your love-less
is it too much that im asking for?
i thought you'd come around when i ignored you
i thought you'd have the decincy to change
i guess you didn't take that warning!
coz im not about to look at your face again
you lie to yourself
you live your life through a mirror
its too late im not here
why is it that when i feel depressed and suicidal no-one gives a fuck? but when they are they expect you to be there for them?
why am i feeling like this AGAIN?
why do i feel so alone?
why isn't anyone helping me for a change?
maybe i should be the one thats dead, like anyone gives a shit if i was alive.....mayb
now im depressed and trapped in this darkness.
all i want to do is escape from this life that i live.
i only see one true way of escaping and thats suicide, but im not ready for death...but i dont want to live anymore..im sick of getting hurt or hurting people.
so i sit here with this knife in my hands and think about whether its wrong or right.....
you are truly beautiful no matter what you feel inside, people really love you
even though you just want to die
inside your going crazy
you feel your losing your kind and depresion eats your soul
inside is everything you hide
you feel alone
like there is no-one at your side
you need someone to confide in
yet you don't know where to begin
let me tell you a story of my life...maybe i can help, at least let me try..
i am depressed, suicidal and confused. i neveeer let anybody in for i am also scared within.i slit my wrists and cry myself to sleep.
i feel like im a faliure at everything i do.i never want to waake up and face pain so im constantly hitting snooze..i know exactly how you feel, so listen....
i wont let you feel like you have nobody, when you want to give up, when you really need someone near please remember that im always here.nobody deserves this pain so i'll do my best to survive...choo
i want to kill myself but it means that means im giving in to him....my life is worth nothing now.....what have i got to live for? i tried to tell a mate but she wouldn't listen and she changed the subject like she normally fucking does.......i don't even know why im saying this because no-one cares if i die...so why cant i? killing yourself seems so easy......it sounds good, i cant feel hurt and pain if im dead......now its sounding soo easy.....maybe i should?
i'm not a freak i'm just alone waiting for you to understand my tone. it's not that i don't love you, it's not that i dont care.it's just that i'm in alot of pain that to me just ain't fair....
why does everyone take advantidge of me?
of sick of being hurt, and being in pain all the time...
i want to cut to let it all out but i dont want to let my family amd 'friends' down.....
ALONE AGAIN.
you laugh at me because i'm different
laugh, see if i care
if it makes you feel better
laugh, point and stare
alone is't as bad as it sounds
nobody can betray or hurt you
if you have no-one to count on they cannot go away....
i need to suffer
i need this pain
I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE
i need out
i need to bleed
I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE
i need to cry
i need support
I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE.....
do you see the hurt i'm in?
do you see the hate i feel?
do you really care how i feel?
do you ask me if i'm ok?
do you really no the truth?
LIKE YOU CARE
why don't you shut the F**K up?
do you like to see me cut?
would you like to see me dead?
because i think YOU WOULD........
just because......
just because i embrace the darkness,
doesn't mean i worship it.
doesn't mean i don't appreciate the light.
doesn't mean i'm evil.
just because i'm depressed,
doesn't mean i always will be
doesn't mean i want to be
doesn't mean i don't smile.
just because i cut,
doesn't mean i'm a freak
doesn't mean i want to kill myself
doesn't mean i'm scared
just because i cry,
doesn't mean i'm a whimp
doesn't mean the tears are crimson
doesn't mean i'm giving up....
these poems you do read,
are releases for me,
i tell you how i feel and i no longer feel alone.
i will continue writing poems until my life has nothing more to give because this is the way i want to live.
tears of blood.
these tears of blood i cry,
come from my skin and not my eye's.
these tears of blood that i shed,
they colour my world red.
these tears of blood that fall down,
i feel as if i'm going to drown.
these tears of blood come from my soul,
the marks on my arm lets you know.
these tears of blood that flow,
my heart it aches so.
these tears of blood i cry
fall from my skin and not my eyes.
beneath my skin lies agony,
all my emotions want to suface,
begging me to release them,
i wish this didn't have to be,
i know no other way.
beneath my skin is fear,
this fear lies deep within.
i feel seperate from who i am,
who is this face in the mirror?
beneath my skin is everything that has gone wrong in my life,
this is my way of feeling whole.
with the first cut i begin to feel alright
releasing the pain, fear, the agony
i watch the blood dripping down
beneath my skin lies all my emotions waiting for another day.
go ahead and hit me dad,
cause you like to see me in pain.
i feel your hits please no more;
my tears are falling like rain.
beat me up real well this time,
and you'll feel better, dad.
i probably deserve it,
cause i know you think i'm bad.
i probably didn't speak loud enough,
or maybe walked too slow.
i'm not sure, just what i did,
but it's not for me to know.
so go ajead and hit me hard,
then hit me ten times more.
slam my head against the wall,
and knock me to the floor.
each time you hit me with your buckle of your belt
i feel the pain and feel the warm blood flow
i cried tear's with each blow to my thighs and legs
i'm left alone with my tears and pain when out my room you go.
so go ahead and hit me dad,
the dictors will fix and pill me.
and if it brings the peace you seek,
just go ahead and kill me.
free from abuse and all the pain
in haeven as an angel i shall be
my little wings with glow
no more tears and no more me.
did anyone ever tell you, just how special you are?
the light that you emit might even light a star.
did anyone ever tell you how important you make others feel?
somebody out there is smiling about love that is so real.
did anyone ever tell you many times, when they were saad
your messages made them smile a bit
in fact it made them glad!
for the time you spend sending things and sharing whatever you find there are no words to thank you, but somebody, thinnks your fine.
did anyone ever tell you just how he or she loves you?
well, my dearest, "on-line"- friend today imtelling you.....
(dedicated to joe[Witch Hunter]
some days i wish that the knife would dry up my veins
some days i wish that the rope would choke me of air
some days i wish that the pills would take me whole
some days i wish the gun would blow
some days i wish the ground would swallow me whole
sometimes i wish i were dead.....
you laugh because im different
laugh, see if i care
if it makes you feel better
laugh, point and stare
alone is't as bad as it sounds
nobody can hurt or betray you
if you have no-one to count on
they cannot go away....