I am going crazy. INSANE! I am so tired. Things just cannot go well. This kid on my bus asked me out, when I do not even talk to him. He, yeah, he is creepy. I am sorry, he is.
And so meanwhile, while this creepy kid is asking me out, this other kid is fascinated with my 'hot' body, as are, ohh, four or so other guys, one guy ignores me unless he has nothing else to do, one of them thinks that I should like him, regardless of how obnoxious he was in the past(who cares what my last name rhymes with?), one seems to dislike me, up and randomly(you know who you are; Lance)Poor him by the way., one seems to be planning on stealing me, and this other guy I am interested in barely talks to me anymore. Come on, guys! Pick up the slack! You are completely failing to save your gender! I am going to start    ing people just because they are guys.
Anywhoo, I am angry.

Rachel's Rant 1
People, they fall short. I do not like them. However, this is quite funny. Hey, Matt, you are really annoying. Yeah, you know who you are. Yeah, Lance, you too.
Anyway, funny here;

spanitch16: Cool beans. BEANS THAT ARE COOL!!! How is the boy of the friendly variety?
Xo Rol3 m0d3L Xo: he's a nice guy
spanitch16: I am so glad. You deserve it. You make me jealous. JELLY
Xo Rol3 m0d3L Xo: PEANUT BUTTER OH BABY!
Xo Rol3 m0d3L Xo: lol
Xo Rol3 m0d3L Xo: oh yes
spanitch16: I love the peanut butter. GOOD DAMN STUFF!!!!!
spanitch16: I WANT IT!
spanitch16: Why are we yelling?
Xo Rol3 m0d3L Xo: ME TOO MAN..OMG lets hi jack a peanut butter trcuk (regardless if the make them) and we'll drive it canada
spanitch16: DEFINATELY!!! LET US DO IT REALLY SOON!!!
Xo Rol3 m0d3L Xo: I KNOW
Xo Rol3 m0d3L Xo: i'll skip school-dizzle and we'll look for peanut butter trucks
spanitch16: SO MUCH FUN THAT WILL BE!!! Mom says it would probably be a Skippy truck, or a Price Chopper truck.
Xo Rol3 m0d3L Xo: YEA
Xo Rol3 m0d3L Xo: SKIPPY
spanitch16: Let us go, now. Really soon at leas.t
Xo Rol3 m0d3L Xo: lol
Xo Rol3 m0d3L Xo: haha
Xo Rol3 m0d3L Xo: haha let skippy feel our wrath dammit
spanitch16: Are we still planning on living together through college? We should do it then. Yeah, let Skippy feel our wrath, just because.
spanitch16: Peanut butter is good. It makes me happy. Unlike those losers who call themselves friends. Losers.
spanitch16: You know it. I am sitting here in the library, laughing like an utterly insane person. Just because I am does not mean I usually sound like it. Too bad.
Xo Rol3 m0d3L Xo: just be like" well.. im ploting to hi jack a peqanut butter truck so i can have one insane peanut butter sandwhich bitches!!"
spanitch16: Hehehe, (She's got you spendin'.... spending all your money on me. And spendin' all you time on me.) hehehe, silly song. One of my male friends was singing it, parading around. Very funny. Because you wanted to know.
Even if you did not know it. You wanted to know.

Rachel's Rant 1
People, they fall short. I do not like them. However, this is quite funny. Hey, Matt, you are really annoying. Yeah, you know who you are. Yeah, Lance, you too.
Anyway, funny here;

spanitch16: Cool beans. BEANS THAT ARE COOL!!! How is the boy of the friendly variety?
Xo Rol3 m0d3L Xo: he's a nice guy
spanitch16: I am so glad. You deserve it. You make me jealous. JELLY
Xo Rol3 m0d3L Xo: PEANUT BUTTER OH BABY!
Xo Rol3 m0d3L Xo: lol
Xo Rol3 m0d3L Xo: oh yes
spanitch16: I love the peanut butter. GOOD DAMN STUFF!!!!!
spanitch16: I WANT IT!
spanitch16: Why are we yelling?
Xo Rol3 m0d3L Xo: ME TOO MAN..OMG lets hi jack a peanut butter trcuk (regardless if the make them) and we'll drive it canada
spanitch16: DEFINATELY!!! LET US DO IT REALLY SOON!!!
Xo Rol3 m0d3L Xo: I KNOW
Xo Rol3 m0d3L Xo: i'll skip school-dizzle and we'll look for peanut butter trucks
spanitch16: SO MUCH FUN THAT WILL BE!!! Mom says it would probably be a Skippy truck, or a Price Chopper truck.
Xo Rol3 m0d3L Xo: YEA
Xo Rol3 m0d3L Xo: SKIPPY
spanitch16: Let us go, now. Really soon at leas.t
Xo Rol3 m0d3L Xo: lol
Xo Rol3 m0d3L Xo: haha
Xo Rol3 m0d3L Xo: haha let skippy feel our wrath dammit
spanitch16: Are we still planning on living together through college? We should do it then. Yeah, let Skippy feel our wrath, just because.
spanitch16: Peanut butter is good. It makes me happy. Unlike those losers who call themselves friends. Losers.

People, they annoy me. I am very disappointed in the human race. Why are people so obnoxious? And why can they not be honest and not ignore me and be cool people? WHY?
okay....

Pretty new, this one is. Pretty weird, I am going through medically-excused mood swings. Sorry if you do not like it, although it is really not like anyone reads this anyway.


Stabbed in the back, a little painful.
I am so sorry if this hurt you too.
People tell me I am smart; I get good grades, yeah.
But now, Neither my mind nor my heart know what to do.

I was only trying to be helful, kind.
I really was not looking for romance.
This 'game' we are playing is so complex.
But no one can teach me the steps to this dance.

I do not know what you are thinking, nor your feelings.
Usually I understand guys, but you are a mystery.
I wish you would come out and tell me the truth.
My peace of mind, my usual self, are history.

I like this one. It was published in my school newpaper, not a big accomplishment, but hey, there you are. Original, by me. Have a nice day.
P.S.- A writer from the paper interviewed me, part of which is shown below the poem.
P.P.S.- I also submitted a substantially shortened form of this to the 'Best Poets of 2005' book-amabobber, but I am not sure if they will come through and publish me or not.

All for Nothing
By Rachel H. [rachelah]

How hard I tried, it was never enough.
All that work but still not clever enough.
All I sacrificed, all that time.
Once again I escape through a rhyme.
All I did, all I said,
All that light I tried to shed.
Tried so hard, and for what?
So much pain, another cut.
What’s one more sore? I can take it.
So many times I have asked, “Will I make it?”
I do not know, but that is old news.
Crushed again beneath more shoes.
They step on me, but they do not notice.
So much lost, but it is never hopeless.
I will not give up, never cave in.
Although I die through their sin.
Thought you were different, not the same.
That which uplifted me is now my shame.
Could not believe you would do that.
Could not believe it was true, that.
Still do not know, but I doubt it.
Still cannot ask, though I shout it.
You cannot hear though, no one can.
I guess I scared you, because you ran.
Doubt you will return, they never do.
Because you cannot change; forever you.
You probably do not even know who you are.
No one else has, thus far.
You may look but you cannot see.
You have no idea who is the true me.
Here I lie now, broken hearted.
It feels like my life is over, but it has barely
started.
I will be fine, just like in the past.
My sadness is temporary; it never lasts.
Do not worry about me, if you were.
Who knows if this is real, for sure.
I will be my best, I will outshine the sun.
I will never stop living, never be done.

Author of “All for Nothing”
By Ashley M.
Rachel H. is the author of “All for Nothing.”
In this poem she tries to let people know
that they are not the only ones with problems,
and that they also need to fix their problems and
not expect others to do it for them.
When asked what the poem symbolizes
she stated, “Trying as hard as you can to fit someone
else’s ideals and still falling short like you
always will when you are not yourself.”

Hopefully this one is better. Tried to make it happy. A little weird though, sorry. I will fix it up when I have time. This one was also an on-the-spot composition. For some better poetry, go down to bottom few entries. Or, you know, elsewhere. *goofy faces*

Blooming

Beautiful blue eyes, usually look so sad.
When I make you laugh, they shine.
So confident around those other   s.
Around me you are shy, I so want you to be mine.

I see you watching me, so I turn and stare as well.
You come over, hug me, know you want more.
Offered to help you, surprisingly, you accepted.
I know you are something special; for me, you held open the door.

Have been holding out, waiting for someone to pass my test.
I am not easy to get, not just pretending.
I know I will be good for you, cool your temper.
Makes me tingle when you threaten those people who, me, they were offending.

Feel a little silly, writing all this out.
Makes me feel oh so vulnerable, weak.
Hope you will do the right thing, accept me how I am.
Because alone, my life looks so bleak.

I see you coming, I know you know.
Try to hide in the corner, out of the way.
You find me, just as I hoped you would.
As you kiss me, I know this is the first of many wonderful days.

This poem is really weird, wrote it on the spot as I sat here. It is pretty bad, actually. Eh, *shrugs*, check ya lata. I am such a goof.

The leaves, the rain, all falling, so beautiful.
The sleet, the temperature, they drop, they fall.
Here comes the snow, pale, lovely, unique, but cold.
My tears are falling, I am falling, I know you can hear my calls.

I repeat myself to be heard, and maybe understood.
Even if you listen, you cannot hear me.
No one knows who I am, even if they think they do.
I know you cannot stand to be near me.

Snow makes me sad, reminding me of myself.
Cold, fair, underappreciated, unfeeling.
Thought he was different, I usually do.
Am not sure I can take what my fate is dealing.

Do not know how many times I will allow myself to be made a fool of.
I cannot stand all this sadness inside of me.
I try to be happy, try to keep going.
Not sure when I will give up, cease to be.

Pull myself out, up, trying to get off the bottom.
Can no longer go down, must go up.
I know there are other who feel the same as I do.
So I write this to make sure they do not give up.

This is once again random ranting. Not poems. Sorry. If you want to offer advice on my issues, feel free, that would be greatly appreciated.
There is this guy at my school, let us call him 'Caper'. Just got here this year.
Anywho, I met him, ohh, two months ago at Bible Study. Yes, I go to Bible Study. It is   y awesome. Love it.
So anywho, have not known Caper long. He is already hugging me and stuff though. I really do not let many people do that, but he is sweet, so whatever.
Anyway, I am the student tutor of Spanish at my school. He needs help in that field, so his Spanish teacher referred him to me. I told him I would help him, and he seemed happy, and willing. But now, his soccer is too important. He will not take out the time to tell me when he is free, he is either acting like a ladies' man, or playing soccer.
By the way, around me he is shy, and will not meet my eyes for long.
However, when I showed up at his house because he forgets to come to Bible Study, he runs down the stairs shirtless.
May I just say that this was the sixth shirtless guy I have seen in the past two weeks? What, is there a school-wide conspiracy to flash me or something? Not like any of you are going to my school. Not like anyone is reading this.
Anyway, I put forth a lot of effort to show him friendship, to help him out. I do not want him to fail. I am, however, afraid that he will get all weird and 'She must be stalking me'. Goodness, but that is so   y annoying. Why is it that I cannot put forth time to help people without them thinking I am stalking them, or 'love' them. Yea, well blow me.
Why do guys do this? WHY!?? Annoys me to no end. If I was stalking you, you would not know or even suspect it.
So, while I usually understand guys, or just do not give a   y monkey trumpet, this one has me baffled. Any help would be great, thanks.
Sorry this was a me-oriented entry. I am really not conceited, I do not really like myself. Sorry. Have a great day, assuming you deserve one.

Random lullaby and other randomness, not too sorry if you do not like it.

Gothic Lullaby
Hush now my darling, don't cry a word.
Daddy's gonna buy you a beautiful bird.
And if that nightingale doesn't sing,
daddy's gonna get you a   stone ring.
And if that ring just doesn't shine right,
daddy's gonna take you to the Night.
Now daddy just wants you to know,
my darling   , I love you so.

Semi-Gothic Lullaby/Love song
I will, wipe away all your tears.
I will fight away all your fears.
I will listen to all of your sorrows.
I will help you live to tomorrow, my darling.

Au revior et a plus tard.

Listen

Close your eyes, dear boy, do not see this evil.
Cover your ears, dear girl, do not hear this badness.
Hide away, dear child, I will not let them get you.
Remember me, dear heart, pray, see my sadness.

I have tried so hard to protect you from me.
We have been through so much, but it does not seem that way.
I do not know why only I see the truth.
It does not seem right that you do not heed what I say.

Why can you not see what has become of our world?
Ever since our creation it has become slowly worse.
Why are we still here why have we not already died?
The answer is within a gift that is also a curse.

Close your eyes, remember me.
See what I see, and feel what I feel.
Know what I know, trust my judgement.
Truly see out world and what those who have died feel.

Slowly, all this appears to me, I see what is my destiny.
I know I have the words, I just need to make them heard.
If only you could see me as what I truly am.
Not just some worthless girl who says she should be heard.

While I have not been here very long, I have already noticed something quite odd about the populace. Where I am, when you meet people, at school, or in public or whatever, I find that roughly, ohh, 75% are either too stupid or too testosterone-driven to bother with. Then, about 15% are relatively smart, but extensively cruel and driven by unmentionable parts of their bodies. 5% are insane, beyond helping. More insane than I, which is quite sad. Then there are 5% of decent people, at least they are decent for roughly a year and a half, at which a time they dispose of themselves.
Around here, though, about, ohhh, 60% of the people I have met have been intelligent in various ways, although about 45% are a little mean. While I will refrain from naming names(although I am quite tempted), I find this very annoying. Surprisingly, only one of the many people I have already met have been driven by their unmentionables, and no, I do not mean their brains. If you thought I meant brains, or even hearts, you have not met those I have. Good for you.
Meanwhile, I am left with this 45% probability that those I try to contact, for whatever reason, will either not respond(You know who you are, you loser) or will criticize(or however you spell it) what I teach!(You know who you are too, although I am trying to be civil).
How annoying that I have to deal with people who fall below my expectations. And really, just because Cary Grant is one of the only people who surpass my expectations, does not mean they are that high. Although, quite a few other still alive people are in the green too.
Anywho, I am still after that beheader, who is previously mentioned in my first entry. If I ever meet him....

Oh my goodness, I am going insane. I am supposed to be on vacation, but my cousins are driving me crazy. One of them seems to be evil every once and a while, and the other I have no idea what is going on. I am a very organized person, and they are soooo messy and chaotic. I am going even more insane than usual.
ARRRGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Alright, I feel a little better.
But then I remeber the nine hour car ride I have to look forward to at six AM tomorrow. Oh joy.

Have you ever noticed that depending on the kind of store you go in to, the people who work there act differently? Today I went into The Silver Parrot, which has some really pretty New Age-y clothing and jewelry, and the people who work there are really nice and funny and stuff. And the clothing and jewelry are gorgeous.
Then we went into Cold Water Creek, which has beautiful if insanely priced clothing. The ladies working there were very nice and had little conversations with us. By the way, we found out that there is a light shade of purple called something very odd, other than 'Light Purple' or 'Lavendar'. Who in the world came up with it? It was such an odd word I cannot even remember it. Regardless, the workers were great.
However, we went into Circles (horrible store, NEVER go there) where the clothing was garish and outpriced (i.e., $175 for a jean jacket)and the workers were rude and ignored us.
However, the first place we went, Cold Stone Creamery, has these awesome waiters and waitresses, whom I just love. However, they are giving us the best ice cream known to man, so that could be why I love them so.
We walked around in HV Community College for quite a while as well. While I seemed to draw the attention of quite a few of the younger males (I assume it is just because I was in sweaty workout clothing) no one else seemed to notice me. We went into a closed lecture room, and turned on the lights (which almost outsmarted me, but then I BEAT them, hahahahaha, take THAT) and played about in there for a while. We wandered all about, and no one seemed to care. With the exception of the few unfortunate people who got close enough to smell me.
So, when in a pretty place, you are funny, when in a not so pretty place, yea, you just suck. So, the moral of my ramblings, work in a pretty or yummy place.

You know, that little picture of the guy holding the bloody sword and the bloody decapitated head that shows up when you have nothing in your guestbook is quite annoying. No, I do not want to delete myself, I am applying to teach, thank you very much. And I have an account on Elfwood, so just leave me alone!
But does the serial beheader leave me alone? No, no he does not. I swear, if I ever find him, he is going down.

I warned you this was insane ramblings.