I got this in an email a while back. I found it to be quite hilarious.
Why the Chicken Crossed the Road…



George Bush

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

Al Gore

I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.

Colin Powell

Now at the left corner of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

Hanz Blix

We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

Mohammed Aldouri (Iraq Ambassador)

The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.

Saddam Hussein

This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on the chicken.

Ralph Nadar

The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas guzzling SUV.

Pat Buchanan

To steal a job from a decent, hard working American.

Rush Limbaugh

I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but Ill bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help the chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real American's take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I am talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross!

Martha Stewart

No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me that inside information.

Jerry Falwell

Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it-the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay.  And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like, "the other side."

Dr. Seuss

Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told.

Ernest Hemmingway

To die. In the rain. Alone.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Grandpa

In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Barbara Walters

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken to tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

This is an oldie, but a goodie. This is the American Revolution as seen by my friend Andrew.

THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION
By Andrew Ritterbush
The American Revolution started with the Boston Tea party, which began after Red Socks took the pennit. Then when NATO troops showed up to stop them and make them apologize for soiling Mrs. Henderson's petunias a young man shouted above the crowd “Give me liberty or give me Dea....” That’s when the British soldiers opened fire and killed him. Later at a meeting at the Empire State Building Thomas Jefferson wrote a better recipe for potato salad and sent it to King George’s wife. This enraged his wife when his recipe appeared on the Martha Stewert show. The Americans then, adding insult to injury, called a tribal council and voted Britain off the island. Having lost out on the million dollars Britain sent troops into Charleston starting the Revolution. Soon all the colonies were in the war and Britain was kick butt. So George Washington marched 17,000 troops into Gettysburg to bomb Pearl Harbor and sink the Bismarck at the battle of Jutland. After Washington bombed Pearl Harbor King George threw a hissy fit and sent missiles into Cuba. This started the Cuban Missile crisis that was solved by Elian Gonzalas meeting Mickey Mouse. The Americans now had Hitler on the run into the heartland of Disneyland. General MacArthur asked if he could lead the final charge that could win the 49ers the superbowl but when he was denied that honor he did it anyways. So he charged and quickly seized the Bahamas and built the Panama Canal where the British surrendered on the USS Missouri.

My teacher has a theory about drawing, “The more you focus on the nothing the better the rest of the drawing will look and you can make the actual object look 10 times better just by focusing on the nothing.” He sometimes refers to this as “Drawing air.” Don’t get me wrong, it’s still important to give a little bit of attention to the object, but it’s the details around the object that make it pop off the page. You know just that little bit of extra shadow.
Faith in God works the same way. Let’s say you just lost your job! You don’t know how to you’re going to pay your bills or feed your family. Instead of focusing on your problems have faith and focus on God. Everything else will come together. Now again that doesn’t mean you don’t have to do anything else. God will take care of you, but you still need to get out there and drop job applications around.
Just remember: Matt. 6:33 says, “Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.”

This brings up another rant. I am tired of going to kids' house pages and finding out that they are gay, bi, or whatever. 14 is too young to be make that decision or even to be having sex. Even if you're not married, at the very least wait till you're 18. It's absolutely rediculous that the world has come to think so little of what used to be so sacred. And contrary to popular belief, just like drugs, not everyone is doing it!I am nearly 20, I've never had a girlfriend, and I am perfectly ok with that. I have more important things to do in life than to worry about not getting my girl pregnant.

What's the deal with 14 and 15 year old girls. Do the rally like older guys or what? Most of the people who cantact me are girls ages 13-15, not that they've asked me to go out with them or anything, but I mean come on. I'm almost 20. I talked with my friend andrew about it and he said the same thing happens to him. He said they're excuse is that "Older guys are more mature." I've got news for you, GUYS NEVER GROW UP! not unless they are reallly old or work at a really boring job like accounting or something. Now don't get me wrong, some of the ones who have contacted me turned out to be pretty cool. It's just come on I'm like 6 or 7 years older than you. You need to realize guys never ever grow up.

Tis a sad thing. My grandfather has passed from this realm to next just two weeks past. What really frightens me though is my in ability to mourn. I was completely unable to shead a tear. Can my heart truely be so cold that I can not even mourn such a loss?