I really have no time for a social life right now. I shouldn't be writing this, but the fact is that socially, I do exist and it's interfering with my studies.
So, I'll vent it out here.

And what's worse, I'm already stressing so much from exams that I've suffered from insomnia, headaches and fevers which are far from natural, so much so that I woke up in the middle of the night a couple of nights ago and decided my days were limited (I actually did compose a will, mentally. Philippa - you're finishing my story. It should then be published under both our names).
There's nothing that makes you appreciate life so much as thinking you're going to die soon, though.

Anyways, the problems started yesterday with a person I really admire - she's working in the UN and other organisations, always busy helping those in need around the planet. My fondness led me to hold on to her contact information with a vice-grip, although I did loosen up on the emails when she asked me, and haven't emailed her for months.
Still, she emailed me recently after I sent her an article I thought would interest her, in which she said:

please get a couple of things straight
1) stop emailing me or calling me
2) I am not your friend, dont proclaim that you miss me, because u havent
seen me in ages and i dont know u, i know who my friends are
3) i hated it when u pressured me to meet up
4) u r scaring me
5) please leave me alone in peace

I can understand everything, and I've emailed her only a response in which i promised not to bother her anymore, but still, it hurts, somewhat... especially since I did consider her a friend, and it has been a bother to me, even in the middle of my exam today. I don't quite know how to get over it.

The other thing was an issue with my mother. A friend asked me to fax him a past math paper, but we only have a fax in our office. My mother refused to drive me there. It really bothered me because this is a good friend of mine, he does everything for me, and I somehow never feel I'm being as good a friend. It's frustrating especially because if i had a driver's license, I would have been able to. My parents promised me that if I would let the issue of the license drop until the end of exams, they'd drive me everywhere I needed. Well, there's a breach of the agreement - and I feel there's going to be worse.

Don't know how to deal with these things... and they make me nauseous.

I remember those good old days as a little child, when I had such close relations to my parents. I was the 'good little boy' who always helped my dad and mom out enthusiastically with anything. Over time, though, these relations weakened drastically, and I've no idea where or why.

I remember my first days of writing around 12-13. In my first story one of the main characters lost his parents. The effect I tried to go for was obvious - deep pain, not knowing what to do, no choice but to move on - but it came across so badly it appeared as if he just got up, brushed himself off and carried on as if nothing had happened. My parents still tease me about it, which enfuriates me, because it wasn't what I meant.

Nonetheless, by then there already was that distance. My 13th year was just generally a bad one, and I actually was in a serious depression and considering suicide. Then, obviously, relations broke up quite significantly. But the year ended and I found new meaning in life, but my relations with my parents improved only slightly, if at all.

Perhaps it is just a teenage phase, but still our relations are poor. I have tried to bridge the gap, especially over the past year, and things did improve. But still there's a great distance to bridge.

Just today we argued. I supposedly have poor motor-co-ordination skills and thus am meant to get extra time in my exams. When my exams started, I found out that there was some problem regarding my application (which may not exist - I don't remember if I applied or not) but I didn't get it. At first I was angry, then I managed to explain to myself that there was nothing more I could do than ask the teachers to try and sort things out. After my first exam, I realised I didn't need it. Upon arriving home, I forgot about it.
Today my parents asked me about it, and I explained what happened. They were shocked, enraged and determined to sort the issue out. I, not being in support of my concession (which I really don't believe I should be getting, though psychologists think otherwise) tried to pacify them with both this argument and the fact that there was little to do about it. Still, they were excited, and surprised that I wasn't so. They were angry at me - at the fact that I didn't tell them, and that I was so laid back about the affair. Worse than that, they were pained, feeling that I saw them as trying to interfere for the worst, and that sits heavily on my heart now. I do know they want things for my best, but they don't need to fight my battles, especially in a case like this where there isn't anything to be done.

They're going to speak to the teachers on Monday. I'm worried that they're going to throw a furore there. And perhaps i am annoyed at these concessions. They can only act in my benefit, and surely the school psychologist knows what he's doing, but I really don't believe that I need them and it is a moral pain.
I really don't care about that now, though. I've hurt my parents, and that pains me tenfold. But what is there to be done?