I called him today.
And dammit, it just felt so .. right. Or complete. He's always been like that for me.
The best way to describe is that you've been missing something your whole life and never noticed until it's suddenly there.
It's always been like this. Since 7th grade in fact.
He used to be lovely and himself.
Now he wants to be popular. MAybe he always has. He's more aware now. And somehow less aware of what he is, what he becoming.
I keep trying to tell myself that it's over. He never liked me in the first place. I always had. Since the first day I saw him I wanted to know more about him. He's always been a mystery.
It probably doesn't help that I've annoyed the hell out of him for 7th and 8th grade. He went to a different school in 9th and now he's back.
Mom always told me that the man you marry is supposed to fit like an old pair of pants.
Maybe I was scared of him. In a way. I annoyed to drive him away. I tend to do that to people. I get scared that they might like me, then I have to say and do things to make it so it can never happen.
I've told myself it will never work. He wants to be popular and you don't give a damn.
But oh, he's beautiful.
I had myself convinced for a while that I only liked him for appearances, and he's really a jerk. But then, he has a good heart.
He's not horrible.
I never liked blondes before him. Ever. I preferred the darker haired boys.
There was a moment, two years ago, when I realized how deep it went.
I saw this boy and my first thought was, 'he's cute,' which was closely followed by 'he looks like Anthony.'
It would never work.
I'm friends with his sister.
I'm friends with his cousin (who doesn't exactly like him)
He's concerned with image (I don't care, much)
I wish my heart would realize that.
I can never stop it. Since I met him. He doesn't feel the same way. It's not fair.
I don;t let many people affect me emotionally. Anna, Kaitlyn, Logan, Zora (but it's more of a protective thing.) and Anthony.
He's the only boy on that list.
Sometimes, when I don't talk to him for a while, I forget about how good it feels. Then I make just a short phone call and it all comes back to me.
I shudder to think that he is the one.
It would be terrible.
I'm of the slightly jealous type (however oblivious I may be) and he flirts, a lot.
We have enough in common that it could work, but enough differences to make it impossible.
Nothing is impossible (aside from slamming a revolving door)
I thought the reason I couldn't get over him was that I just don't give up on anything.
I don't want to sound like one of those idiots who meets the love of their life at age 12.
But why can't I move on? Why is it only him that makes me complete? Why can't he feel the same way?
This isn't a good thing.
Talking with him or being around him either leaves me extremely happy or depressed or both. Happy because everything was right. Depressed because it's never going to happen.
Maybe it will. (oh God here I go again. I don't want back there.)
I could...
Or maybe I couldn't.
No harm in finding out, right?
Raise my hopes if only to crush.
And I love(?) him for it.
Hope is happiness, but the feeling left behind when it's crushed is so much worse than before.
And here is the main arguement. IS it better to be happy for a little while then deal with the aftermath or not to care at all?
Is it better to love and lose than to not love at all?
I think we all know what my answer will be indefinitely. It's terrible, but I love it.
Anthony H. Thomas.
The cause and answer to my probelems. Antidote and poison all in the same beautiful package.

1. Do you shave? Yes
2. What do you shave? The usual.
3. Why? Because of America society's demands
4. What color is your razor? Pink.
5. What size is your bed? twin, I think..
6. Do you like it? yes
7. You're going on a date for a walk around the lake then a coffee at a cafe. what do you wear FROM your closet? Anything. Because sooner or later everything ends up in my closet.
8. Would you go naked in a bathtub with a naked old man/woman with each of you having a bar of soap and soap each other till the bars of soap run out for a million dollars? No.
9. If you woke up one morning and found out you were going to stay in the body you have now for the rest of your life, what would you think? Isn't that what's going to happen?
10. Letter or e-mail? Letters are much more personal.
11. If world war III broke out, what would you say? It's all Bush's fault
12. Buttons or boxes? Boxes. They're more fun.
13. Which 5 people do you trust and are open with the most? Anna, my mom, Kaitlyn, Mel, and Logan.
15. What's something a guy/girl will wear that'll turn you on? denim jeans that fit
16. What do you think of soulmates? They make good story fodder especially when one dies
17. Florida or Cali? I live in Cali
18. Is the world screwed? There's hope for it yet.
19. Is cussing a neccesity in life? No
20. What's an object you can't live without? my rollerblades
22. You have this uh, erotic dream about your friend of the opp. sex. How do you act and feel around that friend the next day? Ummm really depends on who...
23. Would you rather be rich with 15 spoiled brats or just barely making it with a dog? Dog. At least then I'd have a chance at winning the Iditorod.
24. How's your schoolwork for you right now? Straight As
25. What's something someone's done to make you hold a grudge against them? This guy molested a friend, developed a semi-abusive relationship with her, and makes lewd comments. I will not forgive him.
26. Favorite weather? SNOW!
27. What's one look trait that attracts you to a guy/girl? Long hair
28. What's one personality trait that attracts you to a guy/girl? Idealism
29. Do you know what 143 means? No
31. Describe melancholy- annoying, for Kaitlyn
32. Describe mellow- Not Sara
33. Do you beleive in ghosts? yes.
34. What time did you sleep last night? After around 10
35. Which guy/girl do you wish to be with RIGHT now? Anthony. I swear to God it's for the amusement factor.
36. Is it right to flirt if you have a bf/gf? I don't think I flirt and know it.
37. Would you rather be married in Venice, Italy... or Honolulu, Hawaii? Hawaii. I hear that Venice smells
38. Would you rather eat sandwiches or pasta for the rest of your life? sandwhiches
39. (guys) How would you feel if you gave a girl a flower? N/A
(girls) How would you feel if you got a flower from a guy?
THat would be nice. Assuming the flower's not dead or something.
40. Do you want to drop out of school? My parents would kill me
41. What do you think of the word, "no pain, no gain" ? Slightly scary when painted on the walls of the wieght room
42. What do you think of the quote "eyes are the passageways into the soul"? You've ruined Elizabeth's words!
43. What do you think of sleep? I need more.
44. If you had the chance to slow down your growth now and live to 500 years but it's like a 50 year old body by then, would you go for it? No.
45. At one point in a girl/guy friendship will one them them like the other even if it's only for a little bit. true or false? False, for all you know both parties could be homosexual
46. Are you a procrastinator? I think I’ll answer this question later…
47. Waffles or pancakes? Pancakes
48. How's your cereal in your bowl? wet.
49. What's an annoying trait about you? I annoy people for fun.
50. Football or rugby? rugby
51. Hat or visor? hat
52. Ice skating or rollerblading? Iceskating
53.(guys) Your gf has long beautiful hair which you love, she comes to school the next day with a short crop cut. what do you HONESTLY think?
(girls) Your bf has hair you love. he comes to school the next day with a shiny head. what do you HONESTLY think? There might be a multilated body lying somewhere. It would be over.
54. Pizza or burgers? I don't like pizza
55. What color is your jacket? purple
56. What's something you ALWAYS have on you? My skin.
57. What do you think of guys with nailpolishes? Hot very hot. I need to get/force Anthony into wearing some, or at least Sherpie-ing his nails black.
58. Do you stay in bed thinking or do you fall alseep in 5 seconds? Inspiration hits at the moment I'm about to fall asleep. Then comes the debate of whether or not to get up and record it.
59. Would you rather go to a boarding school, private school, or an all girls or guys school? Which one allows you to take horseback riding as a PE class?
60. There's a high school that'll be on a cruise ship and you have the opportunity to go... but it's your last year at school, so do you go? No
61. Who do you want to take with you to the prom? IAnthony.
62. Your bf/gf gets drunk at a party. In their state of drunkness, they babble about that one time they fooled around with someone else while you were together. They wake up the next morning with a slight memory that did something stupid. What do you do? They die. Pure and simply. Okay maybe not death, but close enough. They'd better have a good excuse other than, I was drunk.
63. Is cyber sex considered cheating? Yes
64. How do you react to change? Okay. Sometimes
65. Are you happy? yes
66. Favorite berries? blueberries
67. What's one physical feature you'd like to change about yourself? slightly longer fingers
68. Do you take a shower or a bath? both
69. What's color's your towel? purple
71. What was the last thing you cried over or got teary about? the stupid online site wouldn't give me the rest of Vivaldi spring,
72. Chalk or crayons? chalk
73. How's you happiness level right now? 0 (low)- 10 (high): 8
74. Coffee, tea, or me? chai tea
75. Wouldn't you just love to hug someone right now? God Yes
76. Who was the last person who complimented you? Mom and Dad, I made dinner
77. Whats wrong with your school? There are idiots there
78. Do you know what an aphrodisiac is? yes
79. Who do you wish you could kiss? What makes you think I can't?
80. Movies at home or in a theater? theater
81. Wanna live in a castle? yes
82. Isn't gondola a cool word? yes
83. What coat do you wear in the winter? ski jacket
84. (girls)What's something about guys you don't get? the need for sound effects
85.(guys) What's something about girls you don't get? 
86. Who was better in rush hour/rush hour 2? I saw niether
87. If someone said you were hot, what would you think? They're stating the obvious
88. You go to your bf/gf's house for the first time and in his/her room, and everywhere is... I'd be slightly scared
89. What happens when you hear the word christmas? I wonder who I have to get gifts for and what to do for the card
90. Sun or moon? Moon
91. What food brings back memories? Umm candy cane cookies
92. What would you change your name to if you could? None.
93. What is your dream job? Vet
94. What religion are you? Agnostic.
95. How many people have you kissed? None
96. Do you hate anyone? yes
97. Math or English? English.
98. Are you in love? No
99. Black or white? I’m white, but I prefer the term Caucasian.
100. How was this survey? I should be doing homework.

9
2 3 Do you not know that the unjust will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators nor idolaters nor adulterers nor boy prostitutes nor sodomites [will inherit the kingdom of God.]

2 [9-10] A catalogue of typical vices that exclude from the kingdom of God and that should be excluded from God's church. Such lists (cf 1 Cor 5:10) reflect the common moral sensibility of the New Testament period.

3 [9] The Greek word translated as boy prostitutes may refer to catamites, i.e., boys or young men who were kept for purposes of prostitution, a practice not uncommon in the Greco-Roman world. In Greek mythology this was the function of Ganymede, the "cupbearer of the gods," whose Latin name was Catamitus. The term translated Sodomites refers to adult males who indulged in homosexual practices with such boys. See similar condemnations of such practices in Romans 1:26-27; 1 Tim 1:10.

This is 1 Corinthian 6:9. The verse in the Bible that the anti-gay activists quote incesscessantly.
Now for some definitions:
fornication:n:1a) voluntary sexual intercourse engaged by a man, esp., an unmarried man, with an unmarried woman
idolater(s):n:a person who worships an idol or idols
adulterer(s):noun: a person (esp. a man) guilty of adultry
prostitute:v: to sell the services of (oneself or another) for sexual intercourse
sodomy:n:any sexual intercourse held to be abnormal; specif., a) bestiality

The Dictionary used with Webster's New World College Dictionary 4th edition
The verse in question stated that adulterers, fornicators, boy prostitudes, idolaters, and sodomites aren't going to Heaven or God's kingdom. This, as I see it, has nothing to do with God being anti-homosexual. It clearly states that sex before marriage is wrong, having sex with other people when you're married is wrong, selling yourself sexually is wrong, and buying people sexually is wrong. God just decided to use male examples here. He also appears to be more concerned about older men having sex with little boys. And even if you want to define sodomy as having anal sexual intercourse, you still don't have an arguement about gay men who don't have sex. The main focus is the whole having sex with little boys is not a good idea if you want to get into God's Kingdom. Does anyone find this amusing, in regard to the Catholic priest sex scandal. This verse focuses on only having sex with one person after you're married to them. It says nothing about the act of being gay or that gays aren't getting into Heaven.
You'll note how this verse says nothing about lesbians. Even if you define sodomite as someone who has anal sex, lesbians are still fine.

Yesterday I found another freshman. He was wearing lowriding pants (with a belt) and they fit. He had dark messy hair and think black rimmed glasses. Except there weren't any bottom rims. He kind of looked like an amo kid who ran out of skinny black pants, but he was wearing a Tilly and the Wall shirt. He's INDIE! INDIEINDIEINDIE Indieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
He's really skinny too.

I think there are girls in my school that would declare me insane.
You see I made a list of guys who I could ask to TWIRPS (a dance at our school where the girl asks the guy).
Instead of starting with the one I liked most I chose to start with the least likely to say yes. I asked the Italian exchange student. He said yes.
But the sad truth is that I would much rather go with this other guy. Except he's a freshman, and kinda skinny, in a very adorable way. And I think he's INDIE!!!!!
Italian Exchange Student Whom Half of the Girls in the School Want vs Skinny Yet Adorable Freshman.
Yeah, I'd go for the freshman. In all honestly.

Okay. I'm curious. And you're all going to be honest.

Who's watching my house?

I called you.
I'm glad I'm not totally at fault.
Thought you should know that you still can hurt me. And I'm not as tough as I look.
And I will laugh, laugh out loud laugh like we're mad cause this crazy mixed up beauty is all that we have.
And I am sorry.

I'm sick to my stomach.
Not cool enough am I?
And the worst part is something of the things you say they say are true.
"You have thick skin so I'm not worried about you getting depressed on me" I was on the verge of tears when you said that. After you hung up I cried. I swear I tried to hold it in, but you hurt me. You didn't think you ever could, untouchable Sara, insult her all you want, cause she does care what you think. Ever thought that your opinion does matter to be and you still can make me cry if you say the right things.
You've never been good with emotions. When you want it to hit home you use a proxy. And email from Mel. You do realize that my parents read all my emails.
Of course, you'll notice how I'm not telling this to your face. In fact I'm writing about it on an online site for all the world to see. Except for you.
Maybe I'm just as cowardly as you are. Except I don't know of a way to bring this up to you without using pity, as you say I do. Perhaps I am too dramtic. Coming to school looking like shit and sulking is out of the option. Becoming a drone, too dramtic I guess. Anyways, I'm not sure if I could pull it off. Or if you'd notice.
I'm going to telll you this. Really, I am.

How to make a Stray Kitty
Ingredients:
1 part jealousy
5 parts brilliance
5 parts beauty
Method:
Blend at a low speed for 30 seconds. Add a little lovability if desired!
http://www.go-quiz.com/cocktail/cocktail.php

I can't believe it's true. He really is dead. Crocodile Hunter
I'm amazed at how many people joined that wiki. I just heard about it today.

It’s there, tingling on the edge of your conscious. Just barely out of reach. Just out of sight, just can’t put your fingers on it. Can you feel it building? The engery, the sense, the feeling. The power to do something, something brilliant. The burning desire to pick up your brush and paint, the need to open a Word Document and type something. The urge to pick up your instrument and play. Can you feel it? Pushing, building like the pressure before a damn burst. The sheer nervous untamed energy. The compulsion to do something with it. Anything. Paint, sketch, draw, write, play, anything to let It out. You know it will be brilliant. After all, since when has the muse been wrong?

[Asrun] complimented me! *is on cloud nine* She said "You perspective is a lot stronger in your new piece Stray Kitty. Nice improvement. :)"
*grins like a manic* (insert fangirl squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!! here) She complimented me.
This is much better than say my crush confessing their undying love to me. Okay, so Kaitlyn will angst and Squeeeeee! over teachers (not in that way gutter brains! Kaitlyn just wants good teachers)
And I will squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!! over really really really good artists who compliment my art.
And it's the one I was trying to do in a style similar to hers! *waves arms as she hyperventilates* Oh my God I'm sooooooo happy!
And before you say how utterly pathetic I am go look at her art! Now! *amiles*
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I'm so happy! Happy happy happy happy!

Ever had that feeling? You know the one where you'd do just about anything to make them feel better. Except you can't. You can't change the world. I can't just make it better. I can't do anything, I can try and make it easier. I can't be her girlfriend. If it would help her I swear I would do it. But I can't love her, not that way. It's not fair to even pretend that I can. Guess this is proof that you can't change who you are. Strange, because I bet people have been in the opposite of my shoes. Wishing they weren't attracted to their friend.
I still can't do anything to change it. A year ago that would've frustrated me. I would've raged against something. But now I just cry silently.

My views on Popularity:
I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies/This is the dawning of the rest of our lives--Green Day
So we shall begin with what makes a popular person popular. They are well liked, dress a certain way, and act a certain way. Normally they are either football player, basket ball players, cheerleaders, student council members, etc.
Recently, my brother informed me that I was not in style and never would be. According to him, this is because I am not popular and never will be. I beg to dream and differ from his hollow lies So even though I went to the mall, bought clothes similar to what the girls in the magazines were wearing, I'm not in style. So in his world, unless you look like every other idiot on the street, then you're out of style.
Background: During this conversation I was wearing a long grey spagetti strap shirt, with long brown cargo pants (from the boys department not that it's obvious or anything), I was wearing my high heeled shoes. They're the type that are like thongs, but they have stuff on the straps. Like inch wide shiny not-gemstones. My hair was down, and I was wearing a wool hat that
s brown and white that's slightly beeny like, except mines' think and the sides are rolled up. I had teal eyeshadow on too. I also have braces and glasses. Joe on the other hand was wearing: a red shirt, blue nylon baggy basketball shorts and no shoes. And he thinks he is the syle guru. I think not!
But he thinks he's popular. Phff, did I mention he spent this summer in school because he failed 3 classes (almost 4)? I got 4 A's and 2 B's.
His exact words on my outfit were "Geek gone wild" *sing song voice* I'm not offended, I'm not offended!

Here is the picture as promised. Ignore the fact I have been hopelessly biased. The main focus should be on the clothes.

I was hyper today. My dad bought me a pretty blue shiny ice axe thing and it had big packing material and it made awesome sounds as it popped and I ran around the house with it scaring the dogs and I think I scare my parents sometimes. And I was jumping up and down from boredom and being couped up in the house and school's going to start soon. And I'm not normally hyper like this. This being the whole stereotypical ADD/ADHD kid hyper. But I took my concerta today, so this was normal.

Wheee! I have the opposite of artist block. I went to the barn to day, and got up at 6am, instead of 9. Horses are the one thing that can motivate me, that and skiing. Only times I get up in the moring.
Anyways, I feel like writing something today. I already painted and since it's watercolors I have to wait for the paint to dry. Ugg. That would be my least favorite thing about watercolors, the waiting.
I also am going to play my violin.
Wheee!!!

I got my first How/Where do you get badges message! Whee!
Unfortunately that means I was messaged by an idiot [no need for a name] and the message was more like "where do u lyk get the squirrel badged and stuff?" I responded with "First of all I would appriciate it if you would read What NOT to send Kitty before continuing to message me. If you had read that you would know that I like grammar and the incorrect use of grammar annoys me. I also like correct spelling of simple words like 'you' and 'like'.
I have the squirrel badge because I am one of the donors of art. For more information go to How do I get badges"

What makes a girl beautiful?

Results:
Indie 65% My new love. I shall find some way to buy the CDs.
Classic Rock 65% Well, of course. MTV killed music!
Pop Punk 50% Sure. I listen to it. It's decent.
reggae 45% Yep. I now have Jammin' in my head.
grunge 40% I've probably listened to it.
ska 40% Wheee! Save Ferris rocks! (has 4 of their songs. Knows no other ska band)
mainstream rock 35% I listen to an "alternative rock" station that isn't so alternative
Punk 30% Sure. I have 1 song by the Sex Pistiols (Bodies, from the Shoebox Project soundtrack)
Pop 30% It's on the radio. I put up with it. I here a few "big" hits
country 30% I have listened to it and liked it. Dixie Chicks rock! Buy their new album
Emo 25% I avoid it.
metal 15% Gah!
industrial 15% Huh? I've never heard of this before.
rap 0% This is correct. I hate rap. IT's not music I tell you.

Oh this is good. Right on the mark. I shall link to it. http://quizfarm.com/test.php?q_id=11137&first=yes

I just had a friend send me an email about me putting too much personal information up here. 
It sucks. You know why, my parents read the email first and they had me read it and then sent me up to my room after briefly lecturing me about it. So I could obsorb it and think it over. Wise of them. Nice way to avoid a yelling fit from yours truly.
And it sucks because she's probably right. I did have my city up here and I bet if you really wanted to you could stalk me. But you know what I have my place of living up on Elfwood and my last name and first and second intails are there too.
So why is this different?
Great now I can hear my conciencious saying "because more people are able to come here and you don't nessessarily have to have an interest in fantasy/scifi/ art or writing" (Dammit I thought I killed you)
Trust me to joke at a time like this. (I'm the kind of guy that laughs at a funeral. If you don't understand than you soon will. Points for who ever guesses those lyrics)
It sucks because they're right and I can't trust anyone. I have to become suspicious and wonder if my friends are real. If they're just pretending. Because there are a few sick people out there that lie and use the internet to stalk, rape, and murder people. I have to distrust everyone because of them. (What right does she have to take you away, when for so long you were mine, guess the lyrics and more points) Because I haven't met you face to face you might not be really. It hurts. It hurts to know that I'm not supposed to believe anything unless I can see and there are several studies done on it by leading scientists I've never heard of before.
I don't think anyone would lie and set up a fake profile. But that's because I never would. I've tried to be someone else before. I ended up being me. I dislike lying. I know there are people capable of stuff like this, but they're not here. (Note: how the ostrich buries its head in the sand so it thinks there's nothing wrong)
I feel so naive. Innocent. BLind.
IT's not fair. Life isn't fair (look I can lecture myself. Isn't that great. One teenage idoit that knows what's wrong a does it anyway!)
I like trusting people. I'm a good kid. I avoid talking to strangers (including the ones in my classes). I would never answer the door home alone.
I don't like to think that everyone here is living a lie. It's not true! (behold the denial)
Is it?
Would someone really go to all this trouble ... yeah they would. And they have.
I've gotten paranoid before. Didn't last.
Have their been any reported cases of stalking with the use of Elftown? I haven't heard anything about it. And by stalking I mean offline not the average Turkish stalker that says your hott and asking for your msn.
I want to trust. I want to have friends here. But there's always the fact that you might not be real.
The point is it sucks. It sucks that I can't trust anyone here because of all the online crap that's happened. I probably sound like the average whiny ass teenager on myspace. Let me try to convince you I'm not.
No numbers in my name.
I'm not placing blame.

Hot 53%
Jock 40%
Geek/Nerd 40%
Emo Kid 33%
Punk 33%
Prep 33%
Loner 27%
Stoner 13%
Goth 13%
"Ghetto" 7%
Kitty thinks this quiz is broken. Because She's not a jock. The only sport she does is ski team, but the people that made this quiz didn't think about that. The fact that this thinks she's 7% "Ghetto" bugs her. Because, she's not. But Kitty does think that she's pretty. The rest of the world may disagree, but Kitty doesn't care.