[SimpleEuph]'s diary

736510 Link to this entry
Written about Sunday 2006-01-22
Written: (6882 days ago)

Fuck Conformity

Why be conservative....Fuck that! A wonderful man taught me to be myself, and be happy with myself. Why should I have to worry what others might think of me. If their so uncomfortable with how I project myself, why are they wasting their time worrying about peasely little shit that they wont gain anything from. I perceive myself as a quiet person, yet still have an outgoing personality when warmed up by the right people. Im not gonna waste my life worry about how people should portray themselves around me. Im comfortable within my own means, and enjoy the friends and loved ones I surround myself with. Im not gonna go out of my way to make everyone happy, because in the end, Im never happy. I waste all my amunition parading around being everyones ideal loyal page, when I feel like total shit, there never anyone around to cheer me up (exception of a few people). I should make myself important, cause I have to live with myself. I rather live with a happy self, rather than a bitchy self all the time, just go ask Justin.

I hate that I push all my problems onto him. I should just learn to keep my mouth shut, and keep my shit to myself. He has nothing to with it, and that shouldnt become a burnden for him to carry. I just realized that Ive been treating him like my punching bag, because I have no where else to focus my frustrations. I just want to know that he will be there for me when I fall down, because I will need that hand to help me back on my feet.

I need my confidence rebuilt. Ive just accoustomed myself to be hard on myself. I always held a higher image for myself to gain, but never was able to acheive it. I wished I could change everything about myself so people could appreciate me more. Again...I couldnt appreciate myself.

So now with the help from some of my friends.....Ive now got a fuck you attitude......becoming more carefree....and happy with myself....Im not gonna let my problem be in my way....and Im not gonna push my problems onto other people.

So Hello world.....Kiss my ass!!!

736146 Link to this entry
Written about Saturday 2006-01-21
Written: (6883 days ago)

I had another dream about the white wolf......its been awhile since I last had one......though she appeared just breifly. I still havent found out what she means to me, and why I see her in my dream. Normally when she comes in my dream....something big is about to happen, either good or bad.
I believe Justin was coming over to visit....and we were outside with the horses. And then she appears in the pasture. I only see her very quickly then she is gone.

Dream Analysis
Wolf
To see a wolf in your dream, symbolizes beauty, solitude, mystery, self-confidence and pride. You are a loner by choice. Negatively, it represents hostility and aggression. It may also reflect an uncontrollable force or situation in your life. In particular, if the wolf is white, then it signifies valor and victory. You have the ability to see the light even in your darkest hours.

To dream that you kill a wolf, indicates betrayal and secrets revealed.

That still doesnt really give a good explanation about why she's in my dreams.....but at least I know what she symbolizes......maybe something will happen between Justin and I.....maybe something preset as of now. Im prepared for anything......I hope

736014 Link to this entry
Written about Saturday 2006-01-21
Written: (6883 days ago)

A soothing word
A calming pace
Nothing is heard
Nothing to waste
To wish for more
Than what you got
To beat the score
Compared to what?
To be in love
To be caressed
To feel that shove
To be pressed

732212 Link to this entry
Written about Saturday 2006-01-14
Written: (6890 days ago)

Back to the drawing board....I had a feeling lovely [Izyin], wouldnt be satisfied with the sketch....thats okay...neither was I. He wants spikes....more armor....and darker clothing. Well hunny....want in one hand and shit in the other...which fills up faster.

Looking foreward to monday....my fucking get away day. The sucky thing is....I think Ive caught something from my neice....Im all icky feeling

Gonna bring camera so I can get all those priceless Justin moment for blackmail

731726 Link to this entry
Written about Friday 2006-01-13
Written: (6891 days ago)

Next in thread: 731873

Presently working on [Izyin]s Rp character......trying to make it look as studly as possible, but not to the point of looking gay. Well from my point of few....I think Ive acheived total gayness. Sorry Justin.....back to the drawing board.....overall I like the skull idea on the armor *keeps that in mind*

Looking forward to molestering Justin on Monday *smirks malichously*. I think he'll be looking foreward to it as well. Damn! I hate the distance that keeps us apart.

List of things to do on Monday
-Wake up
-Eat breakfast
-Shower
-Brush teeth
-Get dressed
-Pounce Justin
-Hug Justin to one ounce of his life
-Slobber Justin with kisses
-Meet up with Laurie and Aaron
-Hang out in town
-Go to lunch
-Pinch Justin ass
-Run from Justin (after pinching his ass)
-Go to the movies

TO BE CONTINUED.....

Should be a hell of a time....cant wait

728731 Link to this entry
Written about Saturday 2006-01-07
Written: (6896 days ago)

Next in thread: 728768, 729590

Blessed be the days, when I can be happy again. When I can be filled with joy and love as I once before. Where can I lay my sorrows, where shall I keep my pain. This world seems to get more and more fucked up. What use is there to become part of it. No one ever gives a shit about you, nobody can find the time to just stop and look a whats happened around them. Why should I be involved in this whirlwind, why should offer so much of my self to others, and not expect to get something back in return. This year is just gonna go down the shit-hole anyways....Why bother anymore.

714127 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2005-12-12
Written: (6923 days ago)

Next in thread: 714193

Havent really been on all that much, only to check messages, so sorry to all my friends who Ive not kept in touch with with. Just so much shit happening within the last two months. I feel like everything I love has been ripped away from me. Trying to cope with all of it the best I can.

As long as I have Justin by my side, everything should brighten up. Ive seen the best and the worst side of people the last couple of months. Ive got big trust issues now, I find it hard to believe anyone now. It will take me sometime to build that up again.

Presently working on Narnia fanart

Found something to keep me at least somewhat sane

690562 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2005-10-31
Written: (6964 days ago)

Fuck........I think Im going pshycotic. One moment Im all happy and full of glee....the next I just want to pummel the shit out of someone. I dont understand what is wrong with me. Maybe its the lack of sleep or something to that effect. So if I do snap at anyone.....its not me!! So just keep a respect distance, all shall be well. That includes you Justin

686856 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2005-10-24
Written: (6972 days ago)

Eh......hmmmm.....uh?

Not really sure where this diary is going? Well, I thought going to the Wilderness Church might help me find some answers to some of my questions, but I just feel out of sorts when I am there. I thought I would just go to learn about the bible, but more and more I find myself lost, and my views about things are totally different. I dont want to trash any religion, but I honestly dont believe in any of that stuff. Plus Ive already sinned, so anyways Id be going to Hell if I believed in it.

Alot of people make decisions in their daily life. Those decisions can be good decisions, and some of the time they can be bad. I believe that we learn and grow from the these decisions, beit them bad or good. I have made alot of decisions, probably alot more bad then good, but I wouldnt be the person that I am today if I hadnt made those choices.

Sometimes I find myself unhappy, just those usually mood swings, but when I actually sit down and think about it, I have a wonderful life. I have a loving family, I have my horses that are my life, and I have a wonderful boyfriend whom I wouldnt trade for anything in the world.

Heres a person who KNOWS me, know the real me. Knows me from the inside and out. Whom accepts me as who I am. I dont put on a phisade, I come as is. He has made me realise that I shouldnt have to worry about what other people think of me. I am who I am, if you dont like it, leave me the fuck alone and dont bother me about it. I try too much to make me people around me happy, but in order to do that, I had to change myself to do so . I will always like helping out people, thats just the way I am, now I can do that and feel comfortable in my own skin. I dont go out of my way to be someone I totally am not, I come as is.

Heres a person who can make me laugh even when I am pissed off at him. He just has this uncanny ability to get to me and make me forget what it was I was mad at him about. Just his way of covering his ass. Kudos Justin, Kudos to you!! Heres to you never getting into trouble, depending on what exactly you have done. And I just love to put him in his place (though he has put me in my place as well)......I love to catch him totally off guard and get him with some really good put downs. It fun when you can laugh about it as well, we just share this really sick humor, thats what make us a really good couple I guess.

Yeah......I guess I can picture myself maybe settling down with him. It should lead to be pretty damn interesting. Hopefully I wont get too tired with him.....I might have to find an upgrade or just replace him with another model. J/K

I love you hun, Im glad I finally let you into my life, I wouldnt have it any other way.

684827 Link to this entry
Written about Thursday 2005-10-20
Written: (6976 days ago)

[The story behind your screen name] I love the band, and I am always causing some type of trobule.
[Where do you live?]: Somewhere in the New England area
[Wallet]: usually empty
[jewellery you wear daily]: My Grandmother's cross
[Pillow cover]: mauve
[CD in stereo right now]: MCR 3 Cheers for Sweet Revenge
[What are you are wearing now]: An eccletic array of mismatched stuff (Hey Im warm, and I dont care)
[In my mouth] My tounge, teeth, an accumulation of saliva and phlem
[In my head]: My brain, useless infomative crap
[Eating]: nothing
[Some of your favourite movies]: LoTR, PotC, Velvet Goldmine, A Clockwork Orange
[Something you're looking forward to]: Spenfing more time with [Izyin]
[The last thing you ate] A butterfinger
[Something that you are deathly afraid of?]: Heights, Drowning, Spider
[Do you believe in a thing called love]: If you strongly love someone with all your heart you would do just about anything for them....Yes I do believe in a thing called loved (Hey is that a song sung by the british band The Darkness)
[Do you believe in soul mates?]: Yes, someone you share the same view and morals with, someone who can make you happy emotionally, mentally, physically......and most definately sexually!!
[Do you believe in love at first sight]: Yes, but Im am not all into falling in love with someone for their looks.....they must have a brain and know how to use it
[Do you believe in forgiveness]: Depends on whats being forgiven
[If you could have any animal for a pet]: I DONT NEED ANYMORE PETS....I already have 3 dogs, 3 horses, 1 cat, 1 bird, and 1 fish
[Anyone you miss that you haven't seen in a long time?]: [Izyin]

{In the last 24 hours, have you:}
[Cried:] yes
[Gotten sick:] no
[Sang:] yes
[Eaten:] yes
[Felt stupid:] yes (is there ever a moment when I dont)
[Hugged someone:] no
[Met someone new]: no
[Talked to an ex]: no
[Talked to someone you have a crush on]: no
[Argued with your parents:] no (I try not to)
[Dreamed about someone you can't be with:] yes
[Are you center of attention or the wallflower:] Wallflower, though it would be nice to be the center of attention
[Would u rather be with friends or on a date:] On a date, I spent so many times hanging out with friends....time for something different
[Do you attend church:] yes
[Do you like being around people:] Most of time....I just dont the focus upon me
[who do you argue the most with:] My mother
[Who do you always get along with:] My cousin/adopted baby sister.....we share alot of the same interests
[what hurts the most? physical pain or emotional pain?]: emotional, physical pain you can usually get over. Emotional pain is alot harder to get through

-W I T H . T H E . OPPOSITE . S E X-
[what do you notice first?]: Eyes then lips
[dream boyfriend]: Ive already found him....Someone who can make me laugh, make me happy, make me think. Someone who can understand my insane dribble.
[Are you a touchy person]: yes.....Im a very hands one person :P
[kissed]: yes....many times, but only means something if you do it with someone special
[Had sex]: ummm....ummmm.....*looks around inconspicuously*

-D O . Y O U . E V E R-
[sit on the internet all day waiting for someone special to I.M. you?]: Use to....now I just wait by the phone
[save aol/aim conversations]: no
[lie?]: no
[Stress out over nothing]: yes.....Im very paranoid
[Get pissed at the world]: yes
[color your hair]: yes
[ever get off the damn computer]: yes....I dont normally hang on the computer for very long.....get to easily bored
[smoke cigarettes]: twice, and never again. A big waste of time and money
[like watching sunrises or sunset]: I love watching sunsets (much more prettier) I can never catch a sunrise
[trust others way too easily?]: I only trust certain people....I have big time trust issues

-W H O . W A S . T H E . L A S T . P E R S O N-
[you talked to on the phone]: [Izyin]
[you instant messaged]: [NeverScape]
[you laughed with]: [Izyin]
[You wanted to kill]: [Izyin]
[That turned you on]: [Izyin]
[You went shopping with?]: Nikki
[That broke your heart?]: Jesse
[To disappoint you?]: My father
[To ask you out?:] ummm....I believe that would be [Izyin]
[To brighten up your day?:] [Izyin]
[That you thought about?:] [Izyin]
[You talked to through IM?:] [Izyin],[hji],{NeverScape], Anniken.....lots of people
[You saw a movie with?:] [Izyin]
[You saw?:] Nikki
[You lost?:] Leslie, havent talked with her for awhile. Kind of lots each other after high school
[You thought were completely insane?:] Nikki
[You wanted to be with?:] [Izyin]
[You trusted?:] [Izyin]....took awhile to do so
[You turned down?:] Rusty.......many many many times

-N U M B E R-
[of times I have had my heart broken? ]: A couple
[of hearts I have broken?]: 2 that I know of
[of girls I have kissed?] : 4 or 5
[of continents I have lived in?] : 1
[of drugs taken illegally?] : none
[of tight friends?] : 3
[of cd's that i own?] : 65
[of scars on my body?] : too many to count
[of things in my past that i regret?] : I dont regret anything that I have done.....I wouldnt be the person I am now
[how many peeps are on your buddylist?]: 22

-L A S T . R U N-
[i wish...] : to be with the one I love, to have a wonderful life, and do the things I love.
[I miss you] : [Izyin]
[i wonder] : what I will do after I get off the computer
[i ache] : in my head....still recovering from the flu
[i care] : about my family and close friends......for my animals
[i always] : sleep in til 10:00am
[I am not a # I'm a free woman.] : um....(not sure about that question)
[i dance] : to anything that has a good fast beat
[i sing] : anything I know I can sing in my range
[i write] : anything that is on my mind....beit a story, a poem, or a letter
[I win!!!] : usually never, unless it is a playstation games, or some type a trivia that I know
[i lose] : most of the time
[i confuse] : all the time 9is there ever a moment when I am not)
[i listen] : to everone, just never myself
[i can usually be found]: out horseback riding, training my new filly, watching tv, or on the phone

674123 Link to this entry
Written about Friday 2005-09-30
Written: (6996 days ago)

Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It’s not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me
Cos I’d already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn’t make things new
Just by saying I love you
More than words

Now I’ve tried to talk to you and make you understand
All you have to do is close your eyes
And just reach out your hands and touch me
Hold me close don’t ever let me go
More than words is all I ever needed you to show
Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me
Cos I’d already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn’t make things new
Just by saying I love you
More than words

673665 Link to this entry
Written about Thursday 2005-09-29
Written: (6997 days ago)

The Used Lyrics

I Caught Fire (In Your Eyes) Lyrics

Seemed to stop my breath
My head on your chest
Waiting to cave in
From the bottom of my...
Hear your voice again
Could we dim the sun
And wonder where we've been
Maybe you and me
So kiss me like you did
My heart stopped beating
Such a softer sin

(I'm melting, I'm melting)
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while

And I'm melting
In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me
Lay with me
Now

Never caught my breath
Every second I'm without you I'm a mess
Ever know each other
Trust these words are stones
why cuts aren't healing
Learning how to love

I'm melting (I'm melting)
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while
And I'm melting
In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me
Lay with me
(Stay with me lay with me now)

You could stay and watch me fall
And of course I'll ask for help
Just stay with me now
Take my hand
We could take our heads off
stay in bed just make love that's all
Just stay with me now

I'm melting (I'm melting)
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while
and I'm melting

In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me
Lay with me
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while
and I'm melting
In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me lay with me
(Stay with me, lay with me)

In your eyes
Lets sleep till the sun burns out
I'm melting in your eyes (I'm melting in your eyes)
Let's leave till the sun burns out
I'm melting in your eyes

671828 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2005-09-26
Written: (7000 days ago)

Listening to: The Used "I caught fire"
Mood: Pathetic and Lonely

Im generally bored right now and sick, so FUCK, there's nothing for me to do except to mope around and feeling all sad and shit. I hate it that Im missing Justin too much. Its only been 5 months, I get to see him pretty regularly, not as much as I'd want. I should be happy that I do get to see him, right. I dont know what to think right now. I do know that I dont want to do anything stupid to push him away, cause I rather enjoy his company.

I had the worst headache I have ever had yesterday.....I was bad enough that I was seriously considering homicide to anyone who made it a 2 foot radius of me (just kidding). I hung out with Nikki, and went horseback riding....even though it was lots of fun and I did need to get out, it really didn't help my cold all that much.

Well right now, we are getting hit with the leftovers of Hurricane Rita. We'll just basically get hit with alot of rain.

I guess Im done bitching and ranting, so I shall go look up something interesting, or find something constructive to do.....I wonder if Gerard is free?

Adios

666406 Link to this entry
Written about Friday 2005-09-16
Written: (7010 days ago)

Next in thread: 666439

Now that Ive have actually sat down and thought about it.....Im generally fucked. The only time I can manage to draw anything worth posting, is when Im pissed off. So if theres anyone out there willing to make me mad.....please feel free to do so. I give you permission.

That doesnt include you Justin.......youre not friggin allowed to make me mad *pounces you and slobbers you with lots of kisses*

664883 Link to this entry
Written about Tuesday 2005-09-13
Written: (7012 days ago)

Lamenting Fear

Im all out of sorts
and feeling down

So pressed for time
when no one's around

I need more than condolence
My energy is depleted

I am lost all of the time
and always defeated

I take 1 step foreward
and always 2 steps back

Barred by my jealousy and insanity
Waiting for the bridge to crack

TO BE CONTINUED

655240 Link to this entry
Written about Sunday 2005-08-28
Written: (7029 days ago)

Next in thread: 656261

Oh shit I miss you so much Justin. GRRRRRR.......Im like fucking addict and your the drug, I cant get enough of you. And when I do have you, and you go away, I go through withdrawls. *sighes* Im so bored without you, so lonely.......like a lost, little, mopey puppy waiting for master to come home. *ponders about that last statement* Somehow that came out a weird.....but oh well.......

I miss you!!

605268 Link to this entry
Written about Wednesday 2005-06-22
Written: (7096 days ago)

Feeling rather low and down in the dumps. I tired of listening about everybody's fucking problems, Ive got enough of my own to deal with.

601051 Link to this entry
Written about Friday 2005-06-17
Written: (7101 days ago)

Well, Ive got 2 people to pick up puppies this afternoon, so that leaves me with 2 puppies left. Wow, it was just yesterday that I was cleaning up 8 piles of puppy shit, and refilling the bowl with water, after everyone had taken a little swim. Oh it was so much fun, but Im not looking foreward to doing it anytime soon.

585080 Link to this entry
Written about Saturday 2005-05-28
Written: (7121 days ago)

LAYER ONE:
Name: Kim
Nickname: stooge, lil_misfit
Birth date: 03-27-85
Birthplace: Virginia Beach, Va
Current location: New England
Eye color:reddish brown
Hair color: aurburn
Height: 5'3'' ......163cm
Righty or lefty: left

LAYER TWO
Your heritage: little bit Italian, Iriquios, French Canadian, and Scottish
Your fears: Spider, Heights, and drowning
Your perfect pizza: BLT pizza, mayonaise, cheese, lettuce, bacon, and some tomato
Goals you'd like to achieve: To have a wonderful, loving family of my own.....become a professional photographer

LAYER THREE
Your most overused phrase on AIM: lol
Your first thought when you wake up: Im not ready to get up
Your best physical feature:my eyes
Your bedtime: 10:00pm
Your most missed memory: High school (believe it or not) I miss the social time and my art classes

LAYER FOUR
Soda: Mountain Dew
Best fast food joint: Wendys
Single or group dates: single
Adidas or Nike: don’t care
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Liptons Ice Tea
Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate
Cappuccino or coffee: none

LAYER FIVE
Smoke: yes (twice and never ever again)
Cuss: Been known to have said some outraguous shit when prevoked
Sing: sometimes
Take a shower every day: sometimes
Have a crush: possible....not sure what it is right now
Do you think you've been in love: Once
Want to go to college: nope
Like high school: yep
Want to get married: Maybe someday......but marriage isnt the sanctity it used to be
Believe in yourself: sometimes
Get motion sickness: nope
Think you're a health freak: nope
Get along with your parents: most of the time
Like thunderstorms: yep
Play an instrument: yep (guitar and piano.....trombone as well)

LAYER SIX
In the past month...
Drank alcohol: nope
Smoked: nope
Done a drug: nope
Had sex: nope
Made out: hmmmm yes
Gone on a date: yes
Eaten an entire box of Oreos: nope
Eaten sushi: nope
Been on stage: nope
Gone skating: nope
Made homemade cookies: yes
Gone skinny-dipping: nope
Dyed your hair: nope
Stolen anything: nope
(well that was interesting..)

LAYER SEVEN
Ever...
Played a game that required removal of clothing: yes
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: nope
Been caught doing something that you should'nt be:
Not that I know of
Been called a tease: no
Gotten beaten up: no
Shoplifted: no
Changed who you were to fit in: no

LAYER EIGHT
Age you hope to be married: before I turn 30
Numbers and names of children: 2......Mackenzie Lynn and Shane Louis (but that all depends if I can have children)
Describe your dream wedding: Never really thought about it
How do you want to die?: N/A
Where do you want to go to college: dont want to go to college
What do you want to be when you grow up: Horse trainer......english teacher
What country would you most like to visit: Italy

LAYER NINE
In a guy/girl...
Best eye color: blue
Best hair color: black
Short or long hair: medium
Height: not too tall
Best weight: no preference
Best articles of clothing: no preference
Best first date location: anywhere, as long as Im with that person
Best first kiss location: (might sound corny) but outside in the rain

LAYER TEN
Number of drugs taken: (prescribed) cant remember
Number of people I could trust with my life: 4
Number of CDs that I own: 30
Number of piercing: 3 (more soon)
Number of tattoos: 0 (soon)
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: 1
Number of scars on my body: not many that shows up
Number of things in my past that I regret: a lot

582452 Link to this entry
Written about Wednesday 2005-05-25
Written: (7124 days ago)

Why is it when I dont see your face....or dont hear your voice, I go crazy? Why is it can't I get your scent out of my head? Why is it I yearn to be near you?

575758 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2005-05-16
Written: (7133 days ago)

Im always gonna be stuck with the feeling if things actually do happen for a reason. If we are really to learn from our past mistakes, and use them for future reference.
Was it planned for me to finally meet you? After all this stress and misfortune in my life, is it actually Godsend that you stepped in at this moment? Are you here to help me cope with my depression and unhappiness?

The logged in version