Stolen from [Ilana], stolen from [Charybdis]. It is our view that none of the answers to these questions can be correct, as there is no means to take into account all the possible variables entailed by these interrogations & end up with a single, simple solution. We shall nevertheless condescend, & just this once, provide such answers as might be deemed "straight." Simple &, quite obviously, wrong.

If I were a month, I would be: October.
If I were a day of the week, I would be: Friday.
If I were a time of day, I would be: Dusk.
If I were a planet, I would be: Saturn.
If I were a sea animal, I would be: A horseshow crab. They have hemocyanin.
If I were a direction, I would be: Down.
If I were a piece of furniture, I would be: A round ebony table, used for tea-time, with a secret history of ritual functions.
If I were a sin, I would be: Pride.
If I were a historical figure I would be: the Conte de St-Germain.
If I were a liquid, I would be: All over the place.
If I were a stone, I would be: Obsidian.
If I were a tree, I would be: An oak.
If I were a bird, I would be: An owl.
If I were a tool, I would be: A stylus.
If I were a flower/plant, I would be: A nepenthes.
If I were a kind of weather, I would be: Ominously dark clouds over a crimson sunset.
If I were a mythical creature, I would be: We are a different mythical creature everyday, five days out of seven. On Monday we are a Sidhe, on Tuesday a variation on the theme of the Sphinx, on Wednesday the ghost of a suicided monk, on Thursday the Nephilim Barakiel, & on Friday we are a cryptid moth-creature. We take a break for the sabbath of the Jews & the Christians.
If I were a musical instrument, I would be: A shofar, or a psalterion.
If I were an animal, I would be: That's assuming "man" is not an animal, which is a false assumption. For the sake of this questionnaire, however, we would be a rhinoceros.
If I were a colour, I would be: Forest green.
If I were an emotion, I would be: Foreboding.
If I were a vegetable, I would be: A Pumpkin.
If I were a sound, I would be: A perfect fifth chord sung by two basses.
If I were an element, I would be: Antimony.
If I were a car, I would be: non-polluting.
If I were a song, I would be: Most of us is a song, or "Jumpers" by Sleeter Kinney.
If I were a movie, I would be: A Life Less Ordinary.
If I were a book, I would be written by: An anonymous genius of somber erudition.
If I were a food, I would be: We are food, or in the process of becoming food.
If I were a place, I would be: A rock strewn-shore in a foggy creek.
If I were a taste, I would be: Bitter (& cynical).
If I were a scent, I would be: Moist leaves.
If I were a religion, I would be: very dangerous indeed.
If I were a word, I would be: Eldritch.
If I were a body part, I would be: Something vestigial.
If I were a facial expression, I would be: Something unreadable.
If I were a subject in school, I would be: substantially older, & more interesting.
If I were a cartoon character, I would be: less likely to cause children ceisures than most.
If I were a shape, I would be: Irregular.
If I were a number, I would be: The square root of pie.
If I were an item of clothing, I would be: Worn around the neck & accross the back in the ritual dances of cannibalistic nomads.
If I were a piece of jewelry, I would be: disappointing.
If I were a clothing accessory, I would be: [...]

If I were a country I would be: Erewhon.
If I were a singer I would be: It turns out we are a singer.

IF I WERE YOU: I would pick up a good book, like Marcus Aurelius' Meditations, & study it carefully.

Now, let's see...

A girl & a guy were speeding on a motorcycle at 90MpH.

Suddenly, a long, thick shadow emerged from out of the woods on the side of the road, & crept unto the pavement. It rose, inconceivably black & erect, dwarfing the nearby streetlights. Contact was imminent, but instead of colliding, the insolent vehicle was abruptly swallowed in the darkness, absorbed in its ethereal folds without causing as much as the inkling of a stir. Though muffled, engine sounds still came out, accompanied by the strident cry of metal being crushed, & the horrible complaints of humans suffering unspeakable torment.

This, however, lasted only an instant. Subsequently, the shadow stood still, straighter, taller, & darker than before. Moments passed in dreadful, wretched silence - an owl swallowed its hoot, & even the crickets quieted their chirping. Then the shadow wafted back into the darkness of the woods, blithely, & serene. From immense, it dwindled down to unremarkable proportions & coalesced into something compact, like a lump of coal.

An owl hooted tentatively, and then swooped down to capture a squirrel. The crickets sang somewhat louder than before. Traffic resumed as usual, on the highway & all through the night. Neither of the two police patrols noticed anything outside of the ordinary that evening - except that the moon shone brighter, & the air felt more pure.

The next morning, HaMekashef was seen strolling casually in that area. He picked up the eldritch mass: "I triumph," he mumbled, crushing it between his fingers. "I have murdered a most despicable myth. May we be forever rid of it, & our youth ever careful of love which doth not excuse brash foolishness."

Recently we have made many additions to the Beith. After some more renovations we will likely be able to call it habitable.

We have been seeing the following sentence on a number of young women's Presentation pages, & We think it is about time We respond to it once & for all:

"If you had me alone, locked up in your room for 24 hours, and I had to do whatever you wanted me to do, what would you do with me?"

Our response is: We would have you read a doctoral dissertation on the psycho-social problem of the over-sexualization of teens, taking the time to explain all the big words. Then We would drop you off somewhere sane, like a fair-trade coffee place where people dress up instead of dressing down.

We are SOOO radical.

Of the many things we don't understand about this community is some of its residents' habit to voice threats proposing to protect their friends. Why is this society so paranoid as to require self-proclaimed defenders, so to speak, around every street corner? Such men (& women) ought to have a little more faith in Reason, & in people's ability to not give a damn.

HaMekashef-Coroìn visited the Tatterdemalion King yesternight.
He produced this as a result: http://thisdepletedlife.control-alt-del.org/occult/tatterdemalion.htm

HaMekashef's voice has decided to go on strike. What to do, what to do?! Perhaps it is time we raise it an altar, & offer generous sacrifices. But what kind of sacrifices does a voice want?

We have a show tomorrow! Yay us.

This is the first poem we are happy with for a long time:

We, HaMekashef, are very much looking forward to the restoration of our cousin's server, for currently our web-home is destroyed. We have much to post on there.

HaMekashef's world has been cleansed by poisonous air. The house is habitable again, & there is much catching up to do. We apologize for the inconvenience.

MKShF weeps for Albion.

Toronto, on the other hand, was suicide-bomber free while we visited, & MKShF is grateful for that. Books were bought - including the Koran - interesting jewelry was found, & much good food was consumed in a pleasant atmosphere. Emperor Yirmiyahu will make an exceedingly good dictator.

Thanks to Sam & the Green Midget (also known as [Ilana]) for keeping MKShF safe, mostly from himself if not from others.

MKShF now owns two coloured shirts. Will MKShF manage to survive such cheerfulness? Stay tuned.

Or not. Days of Our Lives is probably more exciting.

There was a great big storm in cyberspace last night, and http://thisdepletedlife.control-alt-del.org was wiped out. Somehow it got replaced by a giant pear. Someone should probably investigate.

I am disappointed that there are so many intolerant fools on this Earth: on the other hand, I do love http://www.dadamancer.com

One door closes, a window opens.

If you go to the following url, you will see a web-application [Ilana] and MKShF are working on. It is a work in progress - getting a little bigger and better every day.

http://thisdepletedlife.control-alt-del.org/Labyrinth/

MKShF got his first mosquito bite of the season. Walking on stilts with arms uncovered is not the most strategic way of coping with insect wildlife.

(Oy).

MKShF is really enjoying this online community. We think it is full of interesting people, and look forward to contributing more significantly in the near future.

Today MKShF wasted nearly two hours of his earthly sojourn, watching a full-lenght feature starring SpongeBob Squarepants.

Yes, the MKShF is just as perplexed by this piece of information as anybody else might be.

...