Hmm. Been a while. Well, highlights!

Tuesday: 4 month! WHOOOOOOOO!!! *GLOMPS A SANA* She made dinner for me, and it was YUMMY!!! Then we went out and took a walk with the dog to the park. Then it started looking REAAAAAALY ugly up northwest and figured we should head back. Lightning shot across the sky. This would normally not be a problem with me, as I have occasionally marched with a fifty pound lightning rod on my shoulder in worse weather, but Sana is scared to death of storms, and the dog was fretting too. We went home. She eventually got tired and I carried her the rest of the way; about a half mile or so. ^_^ I was sore the next day.

I have had a new obsession. I have started an idea for an RPG on Elftown. It is rather complex for an ET RPG, but still feasable so long as I get at least ten player characters. The more people that join, the better. ^_^ It has haunted me through the while that I should have been studying.

Lets see here. I have decided that whether my grades are up to scholarship or not, I am returning to NE with or without parental help. I can take a year off, gain citizenship, then take a student loan for the next two years after. *sigh* I really didn't want to go into debt on this. But hey, no choice if that is what it comes down to. I am going to sit my dad down and have a talk with him should my grades be less than 3.0 and say what I need to say. 

Anyway. Other things. I am currently designing an outter-shell dress for Sana. (BTW, Sana, if you could scan me the sketch of it you drew, I would be most grateful. ^_^) 

I need to beg for more $$$ over the weekend. I dropped about $120 on friggen drugs for my friggen Bronchitis during spring break. Booo. hence, I had less to get me through the month. Well, it's been a month and a half, and I am about due for another deposit. 

Hmm...well...lesse. Over this weekend when I head home, I will be working my arse off on schoolwork that I have been putting off. This saturday will be a lot of catchup, and not so much playtime. *saddness* Ah well.

Next weekend I will kidnap Sana to come to KC/Warrensburg. I think that is gonna be fun! ^_^

First weekend in may, just after finals week is Anime Central! ^_^ BOOYA!!!

OMG WTF KH2!!!!

So I got Sana KHII today. She played it for five hours nonstop. Plotline is kinda...iffy at the beginning, but soon Sora is back and the world roxorz once again!

OMG YOU GET TO FIGHT ALONGSIDE SQUALL!!!!!!!!!!!1111one!!!

They made your party members actually worthwhile to keep alive, and not in a "donald, I need a cure spell NOW" kind of worthwhile either. You now have "Valor mode" which requires Goofy to activate. Holy hell awesome. "Wisdom mode" comes later, which you need Donald for. Then you have "master mode" and "perfect mode." I have yet to see what these do.

As for the individual buddies from different worlds, you get a sort of "limit break" when you fight alongside them. Rather potent, and it requires NO HP, MP, or anything else to do! ^_^ and the trick fighting. OMG the trick fighting. "I attack your sorry ass from midair, raid your MP with my left keyblade whilst hacking away at your buddy with my right." And lets not talk about "Beauty and the Beast" chandelier play! ^_^ OMG Anime-style fighting!

Im done for now. Wanted to be the first on my friends list to rant about KH2.

Happy Birthday Sana! ^_^

Now I just need to PLAY the damn game, as opposed to watching it. I think I will powerlevel Sana's game for her, cause I know she never does. *love ya babe!* ^_~

Every day in LS is another day wasted. I am bored out of my mind; All I care about is getting back to Lincoln. Many people suffer homesickness when they leave for college. I don't, cause every time I am back in LS, I realize that my life here ended a year and nine months ago. This isn't my home anymore; It is a trophy house filled with gadgets and things and HD TVs and pool tables and a thousand things we never use and dont need. These aren't my parents, they are my mentors; I respect them both and love neither of them. I feel my brother raised me more than they did. This is not me. I am not Joseph Busby the trophy child who gets flaunted in front of people because my brother made a decision that they didn't like. I hate this house. This room I am in and the bathroom are the only unchanged rooms since I left for Lincoln; only here to I feel at home. I don't know my parents. They never raised me; they mentored me, and nothing more. I am not the child they think I am in LS. I am a hippie bastard who likes anime and making wise-assed remarks, not the musician prodegy or the track star. I want to go back to Lincoln. I want to be happy with my girl, to laugh with my friends, to frolick with random Otaku Jinrui members. I hate Lee's Summit. This life ended for me on May 24th, 2004, and a little Soulash has been around to remind me of it since then. Just the feel of this place makes me feel it. Everything becomes fresh in my mind. Everything hurts more. She...came to me last night in a dream, and for a second, she took me. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her more than life. She needs to return to hell and torment me no longer; I am sick of that bitch crawling in my head. I need to get out of here. She keeps haunting me, and I want to stab her out. get me out of here. I'm losing my mind.
XI TER AYEK
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You ever have one of those nights where you are just like "hell yeah. I am a stud!" Tonight was one of those. Like I felt like a total cassanova. 

But i meant every word of it. Every word.

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PLEASE NOTE: THE FOLLOWING IS NOT A PITY POST! THE FOLLOWING IS SIMPLY ME THINKING AND REFLECTING! I AM NOT DEPRESSED!!!
You ever have one of those wierd ass days?
Yeah, today was wierd. A day of not good or bad, but just fucked up. And i did a lot of thinking, which is most uncommon for me.
Lets start with some good news! Congrats to Blondesquall; first of my friends to become a daddy. I am now an aunt.
second of all...hmmm...well lets start when i woke up, or rather was asleep. Note to self; for FUCKS sake, do NOT eat chinese just before bed. My dreams last night consisted of thunderstorms of dildos. thats right, it rained fake penises. It wasnt a nightmare, it wasnt good, it was just like "woah. i just dreamed about falling vibrators..."
Next up...I fell asleep in class. Havent done that since last semester. Now im gonna say that the raining plastic penises have SOMETHING to do with that. but nonetheless, i was quite happy to NOT be falling asleep.
Next up...I love LOZ: majora's mask. I dunno why. I also noted i get anal when people play video games in a different way than i would.
Next...well...
seeing as how I am considered a loner in the music department and a social butterfly in anime club...its just wierd. Needless to say, a lot of my friends are from the Anime club. But that means I hang out with people like Dylan who are already working. And now Blondesquall is a daddy. And Eric and Kieth and the others that are in club AND in school...well, they are obviously head over heels more mature than I. Its like...I'm stuck in some non-existant time rift known as college. Everyone is moving and changing and in the real world, I'm still stuck at Westbrook high. (nickname for the school of music; we are very drama-queenish.) I mean, i'm dating a girl mature enough to be in college, and I'm in college where myself and my collegues have the average maturity of a 16 year old. WTF, yo?
I guess i never wished for maturity before, but the more I take on, the more I realize i need it and the more i realize I dont have it.
Another thing: I don't have so many close friends. I have myself, who i talk to more than I psychologically should, I have Sana, of course, I have Richard, and that's about it, methinks. I will always tread lightly. the day you become my close friend is they day that i come in without knocking and take something from the fridge without asking. Or the day that I start crying on your shoulder over my angsty past relationships. (None of which involve you Becky, dun worry. I think anyone who has known me for more than five minutes knows damn well which one im talking about.)
I realized something: I am not mature enough to run the NebrasKon. I realized that. i was kinda hurt last week when not a single person voted for me to be committee head this year, and yet, the fact that I was hurt by it just proves I cannot take failure properly, and hence my maturity is lacking to take the position. I shouldn't be hurt by this...and yet...
moving on: Blondesquall once said that I was introverted. I did not understand at the time. (Johari windows.) But I think i do now. I don't go out of my way to meet friends. I dont call cause I think I'll be intruding, and i was raised on the idea that it is rude to invite ones self over. (with little to do at the dorm, i dont have friends over there.) Most importantly, I keep a lot of my past to myself. (Not the part about bitch, I am sure you ALL have heard that more times than you care to count.) Half the people in club dont know my real name. My real FIRST name. hell...besides video games, i dunno what people actually DO when they hang out with friends. i would more likely be gaming than hanging out, and thereby I am classified as nerd. Even though the only games I have access to are yahoo games since my computer was kept in KC.
Point is...I guess i am more introverted than I realized. How odd. I love to talk casually to everyone...but few people have seen me bleed, fewer have seen me cry.
I often wonder about things. Who i was and who i am...I can tell a HUGE difference since i got to college. Everyone changes...I recognize that. I have no objection with change, so long as it is for the better. When i got here though...was it for the better?
Lemme tell you about Joe Busby, the kid who I was in HS. Joe was a chipper boy who was most definitly a people pleaser. He worked his ass off for school and ended up dating a few girls in HS. He was a jackass to his tuba section, and an avid tuba player and marcher. His goal was to get out of state so he could make it without parental assistance. He met his untimely end cause of a bitch. But he did succeed in getting out of state.
Squall Leonhart; I respond to this name more than my birthname anymore. It's not Joe unless you are from the Marching band, or from KC. to everyone else, I'm Squall. Even Brenda and Tim (parents of the GF) call me Squall. Squall is like this: I will do what I need to to get by. I will not indulge any more effort in something that I have to. except when it comes to club and girlfriends. Dress like a pimp for club, spoil the GF, everything is good. work your goddamn ass off for Nebraskon, when the season has come. that too. My goal is to pass and maintain scholarship. Thats it. no grand scheme to get my job off the ground, no plot to leave the state so i can prove to my professors that I can do it on my own. Just...do as little as possible. Kinda sad, I think.
The more i think about it, the more I miss Joe. I miss being respected. Even if my tubas thought I was a bastard, I earned respect when I punched Dillon at band practice in HS. (not Dylan Nigh.) I had a place. I thought my new place was at club. But honestly, i dont get much out of going anymore. Kinda just...managing drama, getting shit done for NebrasKon and hanging out talking to people a little. Someone always wants a piece of my time. The people I want to respect me dont, and the people who I dont particularly care about think im their best buddy. What a mad world. I think that's why I leave at seven this friday. I should be in bed ready for Naka Kon, but I am gonna go play soccer with my Saudi Arabian roomate. He's gonna whip my ass. ^_^ I think I need a new social circle. I was thinking that maybe cause im not con chair, i could maybe vanish and no one notice. I just dun wanna lose a group of friends from there, most of whom share an apartment. (or at least THINK they are living there.) Ahh...the munchkin crew. ^_^ How I love you guys.
Anyway, ima gonna head out. Im sleepy, so I shall sleep. hopefully the lack of chinese will bring a lack of f**ked up dreams.

ha ha ha
it all makes sense
foolish little soulash

And now...some ego-destruction! bring it!

Note, if you did my johari window, I am requiring you to answer this one. Be honest, I take criticism pretty well.

http://kevan.org/nohari?name=Squall_kitty

Just cause I can...lets have some ego-building self worship of the Squall. ^_^

http://kevan.org/johari?name=Squall_kitty

first of all: OMG i didn't see this one coming! And neither did Lilah! For all you CAD fans out there.

http://www.ctrlaltdel-online.com/comics/20060213.jpg

Next of all: I have a few things I want to discuss about Valentines day; the ups and the downs.

Lets get the worst over with; I believe that the dedication of one day out of the year to love is inappropriate; rather, everyday that a person gets up, that person should make it a point to let someone know that they give a damn. Valentines day should be a minimum of once a week, if thats how we want to play it, by assigning a date. However, I believe that love is spontanious and unpredictable; as such, I believe that signs of love should be also. Assigning a day should not be necessary.

Now, the upside. Since I find any reason or no reason to spoil Sana senseless, I have no objection to one more day of doing so. Au contrare, I can go buy roses and a stuffed animal and people wont look at me funny as I walk out of the florists. Which is nice for a change in pace. ^_^

I like the fact that I can see so many people make each other happy; it pleases me to see other couples happy, if only for a day. I like seeing couples that might have gotten stale to each other rekindle their feelings, if only for a day. Perhaps it is a necessary thing; to remind everyone else of what it means to be a lover, a partner, a friend (yes that is ABSOLUTELY necessary).

I love the fact that for a day, the arguements go away, the fighting stops, and people reflect on their relationship or marriage; something that is a bit too rare for my taste. I think that if people actually talked to their partners about their relationship, problems would be identified and eliminated a lot sooner.

I love the fact that there are lots of displays of affection, from holding hands to the down and dirty sex. I don't mean that to be dirty about that; but I believe that a healthy sex life is a necessity to a healthy relationship. By healthy, I do not mean "oh, now that we have dated a month, we should start having sex." Be intelligent, people! ^_^ But I believe that a fair balance in necessary for a good relationship; both being a friend to your partner and being intimate with them, however you do it. For those of you who choose to wait till marriage (first of all, i commend you for doing what I cannot,) Cuddles, kisses and saying those sweet nothings are quite important, I believe. I think that these are necessary for sexually active couples as well; a relationship is all about balance of many things. One cannot love someone romantically unless they already love them as a friend or a brother or sister. (I use this as a metaphor. My longest relationships have started as a brother/sister relationship, current one included. Unless your name is Setsuna, it might be odd to fall in love with your brother or sister. Just lettin' ya know. ^_~)

And for the last reason I like valentines day, Lincoln is red, and I dont have to march at a game. HOOHA!!!

Anyway, after Day From Hell (also known as Tuesday) I am spending my evening with Sana. I hope that she likes what I have for her! ^_^

So I'm totally freaking out.

I got a facebook yesterday.

Among them was a profile of my best friend richard, who had a facebook long before I did.

Within was a photo album entitled "drumline."

But it was the entire band. I saw pictures of...my life...for the four years of high school...it was my EVERYTHING! More than anything else...I loved band! I wanted band! 

I just saw those four years of my life flash before my eyes in about five seconds. I am crying over my keyboard now, no joke. I don't want to know what the people around me must be thinking...

I miss highschool. I miss band. I miss rosa. I miss competition. I miss my life.

I want my life back.

Why, Ashley? 

...why did you take my life?

Alright. I am going to do a little evalutation of my life.

Starting K-8, Wasn't a whole lot to do. Video Games, ASPIRE, and Soccer. Yeah, that was about it. I miss soccer. I miss nothing else of that age.

Note: after a while, you will note that I have "eras" that usually revolve around a girl in my life.

ninth grade, I joined the marching band; one of the most influential moments of my life. Hence, I am a music major here at UNL. nyway, back to the topic at hand. In ninth grade, I knew who my friends were; they were easy to find. They were few and far between, but they were there. Aside from marching band, very little happened; hell, I was counting the days till the next marching season. End ninth grade. At that point, bro left for MU. Very little else significant.

10th grade, first semester. Ah...fiddler on the roof. KOOLEST DRUM SHOW EVER!!! Not a whole lot happened in that time; although there was a girl named Alana who had a crush on me, and I had a crush on a girl named Savannah. Silly highschool crushes. Anyway, botht those fell through. During marching season, there was a girl named Danni who I kinda was with, although not really. It was kind of a "my friend is dating your friend. Lets date." Fun to hang around, but honestly, no real chemestry there.

The era of Crystal Falke: Second Semester 10th grade. 2002. I met a girl named Crystal Falke at the lunch table. I soon found ways to follow her around like a little puppy. We found common ground in Gundam Wing; we both loved Duo Maxwell. ^_^ I really hadn't met anyone like her...she was forward (sometimes brutally), cute, smart, and made me feel...safe? Up till that point I had pretty fixed views on gender roles...and she totally threw those for a loop. This was showed...cause that was the year I was on the colorguard. Got a lot of shit for that, but totally worth it. ^_^ Anyway, so I started hanging out with Crystal outside of lunch...and one time after school, she kissed me on the cheek! at the time...I had NO kisses whatsoever...so yeah...I turned bright red and was like "OMYGODIJUSTGOTKISSED!!!" I kinda just stood there as she drove off into the sunset. 

Sadly, she moved. Things fell apart...and then I found out she had a girlfriend!!! Gah, I had asked her about it and she lied! dammit!!! First real interst...out the window. Gone. Didn't even dump here cause A) I was definitly and Uke (submissive) at the time, and wasn't that couragous around women, and B) I was quite pissed. End the Crystal Era.

That summer was boring. I wanted to march in band. went to band camp and had a fun little experience there that will be noted in fall of 02. Yeah, out of order, but it makes sense if i explain it one chunk.

Fall semester 2002, Junior year HS. Junior year...wow...what to say. The reign of Alana. Remember her? Yeah, same one mentioned above. I don't know exactly what you would call that relationship besides wierd. I was with her, and yet we never kissed. I was frustrated, but I couldnt be mad at her. It was, however, quite complicated, because my brother had a thing for her. I had asked her out over the summer while at band camp only to discover that she was already dating my bro. WOW AWKWARD MUCH!!! Anyway, when we started dating during the fall, bro found out and was PISSED for most of my junior year. It ended really wierd, and looking back on it, I was an ass about it. Like really. Like I cant believe I did that to Alana and my bro. like wow.

Anyway, on to non-alana things, THE LAST OF THE MOCHICANS!!! BOOM!!! BEST SHOW EVER!!! GRAND CHAMPS!!! UNDEFEATED DRUMLINE!!! DAMN!!! That was the coolest show ever. Costumes, props, Associate DMing when chuck was upchucking, total blast! 

Anyway, close of the marching season, I make friggen all state band!!! Booya!!!

And before the start of the christmas break, I am dating the third-most influential person in my life, Caitlin Holzum.

The saga of Caitlin. Christmas through Spring 2003.

This was almost the second era of Crystal Falke. I saw her while I was dating Alana at Caitlin's Birthday party. Seeing as how I hadn't talked with her since June (and this was october) it was kind of one of those "doo doo doo walking in the house OMYGODCRYSTALFALKE!!!" I think I wet myself...anyway, I didn't die. Almost ended up with her again after Alana...but no. She lied again, and I got pissed.

Anyway, with Caitlin came some great changes in my life. The voice cracking was over, puberty was at its final stages, and my innocence was cracking. I got my first kiss from Caitlin on new years day 2003. The lord of the rings was hyped, and they were showing TTT in theaters. I don't remember much of the spring; I remember that it was quite possibly the most fun semester I have ever had. I was always looking for her, always following her. And I never knew when things were wrong...I never could tell. I was totally unawares when suddenly my ring came crashing down. And it was over. five months...my first real relationship, my first kiss, everything. over. I still am not entirely sure why...

enter my first broken heart.

Summer of 2003. The goth stage. The tyrrany of Mandi. 

That summer, i got my first real job at Sheridans, I went to band camp, I did ANYTHING to get Caitlin out of my head. A girl I met at prom the previous year, Mandi, was my..."salvation." I put this in quotes for many reasons...

1. I lost my virginity to her on the first date. Anytime I was with her, we were f**king. Always and often. Any innocence I had left was gone. In my mind, I was an adult then. When I faced my mom and told her what happened.

2. I treated her like an object. True, she did the same to me, but I still feel like an asshole. We were using each other to get over someone else...my ex (caitlin) was now dating her ex...

This was the second most depressed time of my life. I cut myself once...only once though. but I couldnt get her out of my head. 

After eternity...summer ended. Me and Mandi ended just as suddenly. And about two weeks before that...I met someone...

The requiem of Kristel Catterton, the nocturne of marching band; my only supports of fall 2003.

I don't know where she came from, or why she came here, or why she had to go as soon as she got here.

Her name was Kristel. I didn't/don't know whether to love her or hate her. She was...something wonderful, its true...and I could not see that. I was so heartbroken over Caitlin...no, thats a lie. I would not take her because I really dont know why. Looking back on it, I kick myself in the ass everytime I see how I treated that woman. 

She was no girl...she was a woman. She had matured long before any of us. She had the experiences of real world that we as LS students did not get. But she was...kind to a fault. And she focused every kindess on me. She told me once...that she wanted to take my pain away from me. To take it upon herself. 

Why? Why could I not just let my guard down for her?

And in the end of our Merlin show, I made the biggest mistake of my life. By choosing this girl over Kristel...

The glorious riegn and tragic fall of the Empire of...Ashley Marie Carey.

To say that this relationship was horrible would be untrue; it would be an all out lie. This was a great relationship; many great things happened. I think she was my first...love. I don't know though, because my feelings of hate still burn stronger than I like to realize. Springtime went quickly, as they had in the past. We had good times. I took my first visits to Nebraska, life was very productive, and I thought that maybe...I had found the "destined one." Her family loved me, her friends liked or at least tolerated me, we had similar interests, our sex life was healthy, and we were both romantics to a fault. That's when I thought "I found the one."

The truth is, there is no "one." Love is what you make it.

Well, Ashley made something unusually clear: People who call on "fate" and "destiny" were cowards. People unwilling to take responsibility for their own mistakes. 

Enter the Fall of the great Empire. This is the closest thing to hell that I have lived through. I died on the operating table, and the hours before were the worst pain I had experienced until this happened. Until Ashley betrayed me.

One week in May, I noted that she was not herself; acting rather callous towards me. So I asked her what was wrong, and she told me the biggest lie I have ever heard. 

"You raped me."

Soon, I walked down the hallway and I heard the people. Not everyone, but those I had once looked on as friends. They gave me a cold stare that said "I will kill you." I heard them mutter "here comes the rapist." 

After hearing this for so long...well...I believed it. Everyday, I dreaded getting up. Everyday I hated myself more and more. I thought I deserved to die. I hated myself with a passion that I had never hated or loved anyone before. I truely wanted to die. But as Ashley said, "that is the cowards way out. Take what you have coming to you like a man." 

I shattered one of my mirrors with my hand when I got home. My parents were out; I told them that I had cut my knuckles while breaking boards. I hid the mirror. As my last mutual friend, Kristel, was tempted by Ashley...yes, use your imagination. I got filled in on the details graphically...took her side, I hit the low point of my life. I was nothing. Everything I was had been killed. 

My friends were as follows:
Richard; friend since Kindergarten. He was the first to talk to me. I don't know if I would be here if he didn't. He was the first that told me that what happened was not rape at all. 

Blaine; had to see me cry. Poor guy. ^_^

Matt; the first person who was outright like "this is bullshit! It's all a mind game in her head, Joe. It's...bullshit!" He got me in to the Evanescence concert for free. Thank you for everything.

As I left for college, what was left of me were the few things that these three could salvage of me. Richard salvaged my sense of honor and my drive to succeed, Blaine salvaged my enjoyments in life, flooding my mind with video games until Ashley was out of my mind. Matt salvaged my confidence, told me that some of the people out there could not believe that I was capable of such an act. 

Richard came with me for College. He was the only friend I had left from the old world...my oldest friend. My best, if I must play favorites. 

As a side note, it was three months after the alleged "rape accusation" that Ashley and I split up. three months of mental mindfuck. Finally I ended it because I thought I was going to kill myself. The cutting had already taken an extreme toll on my body. I was dead at work, dead at home, and dead around friends and "friends" alike. Let's be honest...if I had actually raped her...wouldn't she have dumped my sorry ass right as soon as she could have?

Anyway...

The getaway. The escape. My refuge. My new life. My rebirth, if you will. When I came to UNL, I was, in my mind, reborn. I was not Joe. I was Squall. I was not a rapist, I was the bad boy with a good heart. And something that TOTALLY threw me; I was not the "band geek." ...I was SEXY?! I was desired and wanted by women? This was totally new to me. But I soon had a small harem of about fifteen girls after me. Soon, they weeded themselves out like a bad episode of Survivor. But none of them got me...it was the least likely of women that came to me.

The Legacy of Becky Potter. 
Okay, this threw me. A girl in her early-mid twenties hitting on me, some eighteen year old punk? Well, of course I was going to respond positively to her flirts! Holy cow! So the first night I met her, I told her my life story, leaving no stone unturned. And she said "thats okay. I don't think you are a rapist." Huh. From there, it was history. She was the Queen of Anime Club, and I in turn, became a pseudo "king." people at club loved me (mostly) and people in the music building, though despising my lack of practice, were kind to me as well. It was here that I accepted the fact that everything Ashley ever told me was a lie. And finally...I was happy again. For a year and a month, through a convention and two marching seasons, I was with her. And for 11 of those months, I was content. But happy...I don't know. I don't know why, but the further in the relationship I got, the less I felt for her...the opposite of every other relationship since Alana. But there were problems early on...her parents were not fond of my catholocism for one. Our sex lives (mine was quite extensive, she was a good girl) was VERY frustrating. Pr0n became an issue. I had to lie to her...and as lies progress to deeper and deeper depths, you get caught. That was what happened. But it wasn't that that ended the relationship. I was so tired of wraping my life around her. I hated it! The last two months of the relationship were always heated...always arguing...always SOMETHING!!!

I ended it. The first relationship I have ever truely "ended." My world began to shake; gossip grew. I thought that my last haven had been ruined. It was this fear that kept me from ending the relationship earlier. but soon, it was too much. Also...I had had my eyes on someone from about month ten. 

I tried to hook you up with Matt. I thought maybe the temptation would leave me. I thought that you might leave my mind. I thought...maybe...I could get you out of my head.

That night, when I saw you cry over Matt...I couldn't help but to have a bit of hope...and I felt horrible for having pleasantry over your dismay. When I gave you a hug, and held you when you were crying, I felt something...wonderful. I felt...wanted. And I felt like a cheating bastard for it. heh. 

When Becky and I split up, I was wounded for a bit. But as my days progressed, I felt for you. I wanted you. I knew I shouldn't have you. I knew I shouldn't want you. But when I read your ET, when I talked to you, when I hoped to see some sign of you at club...and for the past four months, that was the case...I knew I was head over heels. And somehow...I knew that you wanted me.

And that's where I am now.

That is my life's history.

As a side note, I am still haunted by Ashley. I still see her in my dreams. I have an "alter ego" named Soul-ash...a little piece of her that is always going to be there to remind me that in her eyes, I will always be a rapist. She comes out every now and again...only Becky has seen her. I hope that none of you ever do.

She is the devil.

But I will live. 

I am happy now...as happy as I can remember being.

I wrote this out of angst...but getting it all out there...

I feel better.

Thanks for reading. I'm sorry you had to suffer through my soap opera of a life. 

Angst = teh suxor. Im back in Lincoln; I am not going back to KC, with or without parental help. -_- Well, I gotta pull my grade up this semester, no question. I gotta work my tail off; I know I can do that. Heh, I got four offers from friends to stay in their place until things cool down or I start getting in-state tuition. Thank God for friends like them. 

Anyway, I'm gonna make it, one way or another. End of story. But I don't want to inhibit my friends; I'm gonna regain my scholarship.

Why? Why can't I stay here? Why must I be so stupid that I can't pass my goddamn classes? I don't want to leave! I want to stay here! I don't want to leave this place...I want to stay here...but I can't.

I failed my Theory final.

I have to go back to kansas city.

Bah, nobody reads this damn thing.

Since that is the case, I will write something offensive. Or at least the reason I am going to hell according to Jack Chick.

"I am a bisexual catholic who plays dungeons and dragons with wickens on Halloween night."

...And it's true!!!

In other news, I think I might...nevermind. I would just get myself in deep shit if I said that. Anyway, Ima head out. Got lotsa HW to do.

"We always knew it was going to end like this. Even back then, we knew that this was how it would end."

"Yeah, I know."

"So why did you come along?"

"You are the kid I can closely relate to on this whacked out squad. Kinda like how I used to be."

"Before you went to hell?"

"Yeah. Before."

"You know I may die here."

"Nonsense. I'm gonna be the one who takes the honor of destroying you. I honsetly don't think anyone else can!"

"Heh. I wish I could believe that you are just joking. Too bad I told her that she needed to be the one to kill me."

"Oh. That girl?"

"Yeah. Her. If I go crazy again, I want to die by her blade. I want her to pierce my heart; I want to die in her arms. I told her that was what I wanted."

"You care for every one of those soldiers, don't you, Leon?"

"I could never wish harm upon them. Every one has a story, a life behind them. I only wish that they all had a life ahead of them too. But many will die today."

"Are you worried about her?"

"Hah! She can take care of herself! She is scary when she gets mad!"

"Are you worried about her?"

"Are you kidding? She could whip up on either of us no problem!"

"Are you worried about her?"

"...yes."

"You don't have to do this. I can go alone."

"I care for every one of my soldiers. That includes you. I can't be selfish. Don't you have a child on the way?"

"I would not be a good father to that child."

"That child needs you, and so does your girl. She shouldn't even be fighting, three months pregnant, but you know what? She is because she believes in what we are doing. We can manage."

"Yeah, if those two are together, then there is no stopping them! The deathglares alone would make me wet myself."

"Says the man...er...deamon who's been to hell and back."

"Damn straight."

"Michael?"

"Yeah, what is it?"

"If I dont make it, you make sure she winds up happy."

"Yes sir."

"One more question?"

"Yeah?"

"You remember when we went to Madagascar? And we were really drunk?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"Why did you decide to strap me to the crow's nest?"

"Me and Sage thought it would be funny."

"Yeah. It was pretty funny, wasn't it?"

So what to say. I like swords. I am bored, yet overworked. I never have enough time. I am always rushing to do something, and everything I can do is mediocre. Yeah. Anyway...

I have been highly depressed recently. Dunno why. I can tell you I have been bitching about being alone...not something I am used to. My droughts between girlfriends have always been slim, and anytime that they were not, it was of my own choosing. I suppose that right now, I am choosing to be this way, although that could easily change. As for anything else...well, I have plenty of friends, but once again, I dont have time to SEE them. Therin lies the problem. 

So anyway, I have just rambled a bit too much here, so I'ma gonna go.

I hate my dependance on others' affection.

Bai

I should be taking this a lot harder than I am.

Ah...so here it ends. I sit here eating lukewarm ramen cause my dumbass roomate stole the microwave without tellin' me.

Yeah, Im single again.

Yeah, Im angsty again.

And I totally want attention right now.

Heh...anyone care to indulge me?

Feed my addictions? 

I feel badly for Sana. She kinda got screwed. Okay majorly got screwed. And what a crappy time. Senior year rolled around for me and I had all my scholarships and applications taken care of. All I was deciding on was a Navy ROTC scholarship and whether it was worth selling my soul to the US Gvnt to go through college. So now she's in a tough spot. Aside from getting jerked around by her exboyfriend, she also has the next four years of her life to plan in the next six months (or so). Ill give her a hand as best i can...but it's gonna be a bit of a sprint.

In other news, I am sick of butting in. Asking if I want to talk is cool, but "Squall we need to talk NOW" is something else entirely. 

And Im done. Goodnight to all two of you who read this.

Hiatus

Blargh...Im sick, and Im bitchy. Stay away.

Kon = win