So it's been a while since I posted in m'diary, ne? 

Hmm...what to say. I am a lot less emo than I was when my last diary entry was. So yeah. Um...That's about it.

Life is good! Don't throw it away. If I had thrown it away, I would have never met [Sana]. And then where would I be, ne? Lol. 

Anyway, night all!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSlHXx-FJW8&mode=related&search=night%20at%20the%20roxberry

Night at the Roxberry baby!

You ever get that feeling? Like you just got shived?

Yeah. I had one of those moments like ten minutes ago. I don't know EXACTLY the details, as I was short on sleep and a little bit crazed through most of it...but I seem to recall that I was, in fact, the NebrasKon chair last year. To be honest, I don't feel angry, as Becky and I did about equal parts and deserves the same amount of credit, but DAMN my ego took a shot.

Anyway, what's done is done, and in about five years, my name will have been forgotten anyway, so no big. I don't want to make a drama over it, it just surprised me. Anyway, it's not like I coulda done it again this year, anyway. Being in KC, my fundraising job was rather...impossible for me to do? Well, not impossible, but difficult to the point of high innefficiency. Besides, if I spent lots of time on the phone doing Kon stuff, my parents would have CHEWED MY ASS for being involved again. So that went to Jaymie. (Good luck...this job is a special kind of bitch.)

At best, I just want to put on a struggle match and actually PARTICIPATE in a cosplay competition. I've hosted, observed, and often missed my chance to participate, and hence I shall actually ENTER THE CONTEST OMG OMG OMG this year! YAAAAAAY!!!

Looking to enter with Sana, of course. That reminds me...I need to finish the updates to her dress.

Anyway, later for now! ^_^

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWJ9Es0rLr8&search=baby%20kittens

Tell me this isn't damned cute.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=qe8UDSdkDIU&;search=Real%20ninja

I dare you. Click it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P0iIxjhq2LU&search=Dr.tran

That besides...

shitty day yesterday. I don't feel like bitching about it, so I wont. ^_^ Work sucks.

merk. 

For those of you that played final fantasy six...

This is my personal Hell.

http://kfaprty.ytmnd.com/

Hey hey! Can't talk long, but I just wanted to say:

Who pulled his grade out of the sh**ter this semester? That's right, this guy. ^_^

Anyway, the bro is here, so we are having family time. ^_^ Later!

So let's see. I got off work about two hours ago. What have I been doing since? Why a screaming match with my parents!

Situation: I got a "no pass" on a "pass/no pass" class. They are pissed. Got it, understand.

Robert (father) calls me (screams at the top of his lungs) "fucking retard." Tells me to "get off my fat lazy ass and do goddamn something with my life." I tell him to act his age. He tells me that he will convey his meaning however he goddamned wants. I ask him if he wants me to leave and never come back. He calms the fuck down finally and addresses me in a calm, somewhat mature fashion. Past two hours have been about me and how I have once again failed to meet their expectations. I love these hollar fests, they seem to be rather entertaining. I used to be scared of them. But when Robert was screaming at me, all I could think about is how goddamned funny it would have been for me to beat him over the head with my tuba.

They said that they want the kid that they sent to UNL back. Yeah, the little ball of angst who wanted to off himself. I am never becoming that again. I'm happy in Nebraska; I found somewhere I belong. 

Mom says "We care because we love you." While it may be the case for her, I believe that for Robert, I am a trophy child. Meh. Hehehe, I was one assinine comment of his away from packing my bags. I'll be damned, I do have balls.

I'm actually in a pretty good mood. I had a fun day at work, got off early, and here I am awaiting a call back from Sana-chan. I hope she calls back. I am online right now awaiting her or anyone else. Sheridan's is a much friendlier environment this year. Everyone seems to respect me more (except the parents of course, but I expected no different.) Blaine and I hung out some, as well as me and Toast. We are all getting along pretty well after all is said and done. ^_^

That besides, my grades (assuming that a grade change is going to happen which it should) are good enough for another semester with scholarship. (Although I might be setting my permanent address to Lincoln NE so I can get in-state tuition in 9 months.) 

Well, that is all for now. I hope Sana gets online. :) Love and kisses to all!

Today's Matchup!

IOI fighter versus the XD wing.

Think star wars and look at them again.

Wanted:

Female Cuddle buddy for a skinny but handsome 22 year old over the weekend. No cost: perks include free trip to Kansas City, stay in a house for a couple of days, and alchohol is provided. No sex necessary, unless you desire it.

If it helps, it is my bro that is looking for a buddy

Hmm. Been a while. Well, highlights!

Tuesday: 4 month! WHOOOOOOOO!!! *GLOMPS A SANA* She made dinner for me, and it was YUMMY!!! Then we went out and took a walk with the dog to the park. Then it started looking REAAAAAALY ugly up northwest and figured we should head back. Lightning shot across the sky. This would normally not be a problem with me, as I have occasionally marched with a fifty pound lightning rod on my shoulder in worse weather, but Sana is scared to death of storms, and the dog was fretting too. We went home. She eventually got tired and I carried her the rest of the way; about a half mile or so. ^_^ I was sore the next day.

I have had a new obsession. I have started an idea for an RPG on Elftown. It is rather complex for an ET RPG, but still feasable so long as I get at least ten player characters. The more people that join, the better. ^_^ It has haunted me through the while that I should have been studying.

Lets see here. I have decided that whether my grades are up to scholarship or not, I am returning to NE with or without parental help. I can take a year off, gain citizenship, then take a student loan for the next two years after. *sigh* I really didn't want to go into debt on this. But hey, no choice if that is what it comes down to. I am going to sit my dad down and have a talk with him should my grades be less than 3.0 and say what I need to say. 

Anyway. Other things. I am currently designing an outter-shell dress for Sana. (BTW, Sana, if you could scan me the sketch of it you drew, I would be most grateful. ^_^) 

I need to beg for more $$$ over the weekend. I dropped about $120 on friggen drugs for my friggen Bronchitis during spring break. Booo. hence, I had less to get me through the month. Well, it's been a month and a half, and I am about due for another deposit. 

Hmm...well...lesse. Over this weekend when I head home, I will be working my arse off on schoolwork that I have been putting off. This saturday will be a lot of catchup, and not so much playtime. *saddness* Ah well.

Next weekend I will kidnap Sana to come to KC/Warrensburg. I think that is gonna be fun! ^_^

First weekend in may, just after finals week is Anime Central! ^_^ BOOYA!!!

OMG WTF KH2!!!!

So I got Sana KHII today. She played it for five hours nonstop. Plotline is kinda...iffy at the beginning, but soon Sora is back and the world roxorz once again!

OMG YOU GET TO FIGHT ALONGSIDE SQUALL!!!!!!!!!!!1111one!!!

They made your party members actually worthwhile to keep alive, and not in a "donald, I need a cure spell NOW" kind of worthwhile either. You now have "Valor mode" which requires Goofy to activate. Holy hell awesome. "Wisdom mode" comes later, which you need Donald for. Then you have "master mode" and "perfect mode." I have yet to see what these do.

As for the individual buddies from different worlds, you get a sort of "limit break" when you fight alongside them. Rather potent, and it requires NO HP, MP, or anything else to do! ^_^ and the trick fighting. OMG the trick fighting. "I attack your sorry ass from midair, raid your MP with my left keyblade whilst hacking away at your buddy with my right." And lets not talk about "Beauty and the Beast" chandelier play! ^_^ OMG Anime-style fighting!

Im done for now. Wanted to be the first on my friends list to rant about KH2.

Happy Birthday Sana! ^_^

Now I just need to PLAY the damn game, as opposed to watching it. I think I will powerlevel Sana's game for her, cause I know she never does. *love ya babe!* ^_~

Every day in LS is another day wasted. I am bored out of my mind; All I care about is getting back to Lincoln. Many people suffer homesickness when they leave for college. I don't, cause every time I am back in LS, I realize that my life here ended a year and nine months ago. This isn't my home anymore; It is a trophy house filled with gadgets and things and HD TVs and pool tables and a thousand things we never use and dont need. These aren't my parents, they are my mentors; I respect them both and love neither of them. I feel my brother raised me more than they did. This is not me. I am not Joseph Busby the trophy child who gets flaunted in front of people because my brother made a decision that they didn't like. I hate this house. This room I am in and the bathroom are the only unchanged rooms since I left for Lincoln; only here to I feel at home. I don't know my parents. They never raised me; they mentored me, and nothing more. I am not the child they think I am in LS. I am a hippie bastard who likes anime and making wise-assed remarks, not the musician prodegy or the track star. I want to go back to Lincoln. I want to be happy with my girl, to laugh with my friends, to frolick with random Otaku Jinrui members. I hate Lee's Summit. This life ended for me on May 24th, 2004, and a little Soulash has been around to remind me of it since then. Just the feel of this place makes me feel it. Everything becomes fresh in my mind. Everything hurts more. She...came to me last night in a dream, and for a second, she took me. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her more than life. She needs to return to hell and torment me no longer; I am sick of that bitch crawling in my head. I need to get out of here. She keeps haunting me, and I want to stab her out. get me out of here. I'm losing my mind.
XI TER AYEK
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You ever have one of those nights where you are just like "hell yeah. I am a stud!" Tonight was one of those. Like I felt like a total cassanova. 

But i meant every word of it. Every word.

|\^/|
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PLEASE NOTE: THE FOLLOWING IS NOT A PITY POST! THE FOLLOWING IS SIMPLY ME THINKING AND REFLECTING! I AM NOT DEPRESSED!!!
You ever have one of those wierd ass days?
Yeah, today was wierd. A day of not good or bad, but just fucked up. And i did a lot of thinking, which is most uncommon for me.
Lets start with some good news! Congrats to Blondesquall; first of my friends to become a daddy. I am now an aunt.
second of all...hmmm...well lets start when i woke up, or rather was asleep. Note to self; for FUCKS sake, do NOT eat chinese just before bed. My dreams last night consisted of thunderstorms of dildos. thats right, it rained fake penises. It wasnt a nightmare, it wasnt good, it was just like "woah. i just dreamed about falling vibrators..."
Next up...I fell asleep in class. Havent done that since last semester. Now im gonna say that the raining plastic penises have SOMETHING to do with that. but nonetheless, i was quite happy to NOT be falling asleep.
Next up...I love LOZ: majora's mask. I dunno why. I also noted i get anal when people play video games in a different way than i would.
Next...well...
seeing as how I am considered a loner in the music department and a social butterfly in anime club...its just wierd. Needless to say, a lot of my friends are from the Anime club. But that means I hang out with people like Dylan who are already working. And now Blondesquall is a daddy. And Eric and Kieth and the others that are in club AND in school...well, they are obviously head over heels more mature than I. Its like...I'm stuck in some non-existant time rift known as college. Everyone is moving and changing and in the real world, I'm still stuck at Westbrook high. (nickname for the school of music; we are very drama-queenish.) I mean, i'm dating a girl mature enough to be in college, and I'm in college where myself and my collegues have the average maturity of a 16 year old. WTF, yo?
I guess i never wished for maturity before, but the more I take on, the more I realize i need it and the more i realize I dont have it.
Another thing: I don't have so many close friends. I have myself, who i talk to more than I psychologically should, I have Sana, of course, I have Richard, and that's about it, methinks. I will always tread lightly. the day you become my close friend is they day that i come in without knocking and take something from the fridge without asking. Or the day that I start crying on your shoulder over my angsty past relationships. (None of which involve you Becky, dun worry. I think anyone who has known me for more than five minutes knows damn well which one im talking about.)
I realized something: I am not mature enough to run the NebrasKon. I realized that. i was kinda hurt last week when not a single person voted for me to be committee head this year, and yet, the fact that I was hurt by it just proves I cannot take failure properly, and hence my maturity is lacking to take the position. I shouldn't be hurt by this...and yet...
moving on: Blondesquall once said that I was introverted. I did not understand at the time. (Johari windows.) But I think i do now. I don't go out of my way to meet friends. I dont call cause I think I'll be intruding, and i was raised on the idea that it is rude to invite ones self over. (with little to do at the dorm, i dont have friends over there.) Most importantly, I keep a lot of my past to myself. (Not the part about bitch, I am sure you ALL have heard that more times than you care to count.) Half the people in club dont know my real name. My real FIRST name. hell...besides video games, i dunno what people actually DO when they hang out with friends. i would more likely be gaming than hanging out, and thereby I am classified as nerd. Even though the only games I have access to are yahoo games since my computer was kept in KC.
Point is...I guess i am more introverted than I realized. How odd. I love to talk casually to everyone...but few people have seen me bleed, fewer have seen me cry.
I often wonder about things. Who i was and who i am...I can tell a HUGE difference since i got to college. Everyone changes...I recognize that. I have no objection with change, so long as it is for the better. When i got here though...was it for the better?
Lemme tell you about Joe Busby, the kid who I was in HS. Joe was a chipper boy who was most definitly a people pleaser. He worked his ass off for school and ended up dating a few girls in HS. He was a jackass to his tuba section, and an avid tuba player and marcher. His goal was to get out of state so he could make it without parental assistance. He met his untimely end cause of a bitch. But he did succeed in getting out of state.
Squall Leonhart; I respond to this name more than my birthname anymore. It's not Joe unless you are from the Marching band, or from KC. to everyone else, I'm Squall. Even Brenda and Tim (parents of the GF) call me Squall. Squall is like this: I will do what I need to to get by. I will not indulge any more effort in something that I have to. except when it comes to club and girlfriends. Dress like a pimp for club, spoil the GF, everything is good. work your goddamn ass off for Nebraskon, when the season has come. that too. My goal is to pass and maintain scholarship. Thats it. no grand scheme to get my job off the ground, no plot to leave the state so i can prove to my professors that I can do it on my own. Just...do as little as possible. Kinda sad, I think.
The more i think about it, the more I miss Joe. I miss being respected. Even if my tubas thought I was a bastard, I earned respect when I punched Dillon at band practice in HS. (not Dylan Nigh.) I had a place. I thought my new place was at club. But honestly, i dont get much out of going anymore. Kinda just...managing drama, getting shit done for NebrasKon and hanging out talking to people a little. Someone always wants a piece of my time. The people I want to respect me dont, and the people who I dont particularly care about think im their best buddy. What a mad world. I think that's why I leave at seven this friday. I should be in bed ready for Naka Kon, but I am gonna go play soccer with my Saudi Arabian roomate. He's gonna whip my ass. ^_^ I think I need a new social circle. I was thinking that maybe cause im not con chair, i could maybe vanish and no one notice. I just dun wanna lose a group of friends from there, most of whom share an apartment. (or at least THINK they are living there.) Ahh...the munchkin crew. ^_^ How I love you guys.
Anyway, ima gonna head out. Im sleepy, so I shall sleep. hopefully the lack of chinese will bring a lack of f**ked up dreams.

ha ha ha
it all makes sense
foolish little soulash

And now...some ego-destruction! bring it!

Note, if you did my johari window, I am requiring you to answer this one. Be honest, I take criticism pretty well.

http://kevan.org/nohari?name=Squall_kitty

Just cause I can...lets have some ego-building self worship of the Squall. ^_^

http://kevan.org/johari?name=Squall_kitty

first of all: OMG i didn't see this one coming! And neither did Lilah! For all you CAD fans out there.

http://www.ctrlaltdel-online.com/comics/20060213.jpg

Next of all: I have a few things I want to discuss about Valentines day; the ups and the downs.

Lets get the worst over with; I believe that the dedication of one day out of the year to love is inappropriate; rather, everyday that a person gets up, that person should make it a point to let someone know that they give a damn. Valentines day should be a minimum of once a week, if thats how we want to play it, by assigning a date. However, I believe that love is spontanious and unpredictable; as such, I believe that signs of love should be also. Assigning a day should not be necessary.

Now, the upside. Since I find any reason or no reason to spoil Sana senseless, I have no objection to one more day of doing so. Au contrare, I can go buy roses and a stuffed animal and people wont look at me funny as I walk out of the florists. Which is nice for a change in pace. ^_^

I like the fact that I can see so many people make each other happy; it pleases me to see other couples happy, if only for a day. I like seeing couples that might have gotten stale to each other rekindle their feelings, if only for a day. Perhaps it is a necessary thing; to remind everyone else of what it means to be a lover, a partner, a friend (yes that is ABSOLUTELY necessary).

I love the fact that for a day, the arguements go away, the fighting stops, and people reflect on their relationship or marriage; something that is a bit too rare for my taste. I think that if people actually talked to their partners about their relationship, problems would be identified and eliminated a lot sooner.

I love the fact that there are lots of displays of affection, from holding hands to the down and dirty sex. I don't mean that to be dirty about that; but I believe that a healthy sex life is a necessity to a healthy relationship. By healthy, I do not mean "oh, now that we have dated a month, we should start having sex." Be intelligent, people! ^_^ But I believe that a fair balance in necessary for a good relationship; both being a friend to your partner and being intimate with them, however you do it. For those of you who choose to wait till marriage (first of all, i commend you for doing what I cannot,) Cuddles, kisses and saying those sweet nothings are quite important, I believe. I think that these are necessary for sexually active couples as well; a relationship is all about balance of many things. One cannot love someone romantically unless they already love them as a friend or a brother or sister. (I use this as a metaphor. My longest relationships have started as a brother/sister relationship, current one included. Unless your name is Setsuna, it might be odd to fall in love with your brother or sister. Just lettin' ya know. ^_~)

And for the last reason I like valentines day, Lincoln is red, and I dont have to march at a game. HOOHA!!!

Anyway, after Day From Hell (also known as Tuesday) I am spending my evening with Sana. I hope that she likes what I have for her! ^_^

So I'm totally freaking out.

I got a facebook yesterday.

Among them was a profile of my best friend richard, who had a facebook long before I did.

Within was a photo album entitled "drumline."

But it was the entire band. I saw pictures of...my life...for the four years of high school...it was my EVERYTHING! More than anything else...I loved band! I wanted band! 

I just saw those four years of my life flash before my eyes in about five seconds. I am crying over my keyboard now, no joke. I don't want to know what the people around me must be thinking...

I miss highschool. I miss band. I miss rosa. I miss competition. I miss my life.

I want my life back.

Why, Ashley? 

...why did you take my life?