I hate being a teenager. It's unreasonable to get upset at everything for very little reason, to be so moody, and to feel random emotions. It's no wonder teenagers get so depressed, when they can't even figure themselves out. Not to mention randomly feeling inexplicably lonely. Nothing makes sense, and it really bothers me :/

Being a teenager is probably the oddest years any person ever goes through. It is a time of large change, from a childhood personality into an adult personality. It is a time of much thought and change and mostly improvements, but it is a most troubling period. Horomones and such odd forces that have the ability to influence people in ways that are neither gentle nor relenting. Teenage years seem to be periods of ups and downs, but in reality it is all perspective created by these forces. They do things to a body that can never be easily understood. For me, the process of change is troubling. I sense that something is wrong with me. Or at least, different. Odd sensations and thoughts and disturbances. Right now, as the change has been made, I feel full inside and somehow complete, though I know it is not so. Much resentment is inside, as well as a sense of not calm, but clarity and focus. It feels as if I hated someone and was brooding, though I know that is not the case at the moment. However, recently I found myself very upset over miniscule things. I recognize these things as signs of teenagerism, but I do not appreciate these thoughts intruding into my mind, nor the forces that bring these moods into me. I do not know what to make of them. I can only hope that soon it will all be over and I will emerge as my complete adult self, though technically that can't be for another five or so years. Tumultous years, no doubt. I can only hope I maintain my personality in tact through the end. It is something I do not wish to lose.

(x) = yes, (-) = no, (/) = kinda.
{x} Fallen for your best friend
{-} Made out with JUST a friend
{-} Made out with the same sex
{-} Been rejected
{-} Been in love
{-} Been in lust
{-} Used someone
{-}Piercings
{-} Been used
{-} Been cheated on
{x} Done something you regret
{/} Considered a life of crime
{-} Considered being a hooker lol
{-} Considered being a pimp
{-} Are you psycho
{-} Split personalities
{/} Schizophrenic
{-} Obsessive
{-} Racist
{-} Obsessive compulsive
{-} Dream of dead bodies, blood, death, and gore
{-} Dream of doing those things instead of just seeing them
{x} Understanding
{x} Open-minded
{/} Arrogant
{x} Insecure
{x} Interesting
{-} Hungry
{x} Friendly
{x} Smart
{x} Moody
{/} Childish
{x} Independent
{/} Hard working
{/} Organized
{/} Healthy
{/} Emotionally stable
{x} Shy
{/} Difficult
{-} Attractive
{/} Bored easily
{-} Thirsty
{x} Responsible
{/} Sad
{x} Happy
{/} Trusting
{-} Talkative
{/} Original
{-} Different
{x} Unique
{x} Lonely
{-} Had a bad life
{-} Have a bad life
{-} Dye your hair
{-} Floss daily
{-} Own a web cam?
{/} Ever get off the damn computer
{-} Ever done a drug(s)
{-} Ever drank alcohol
{-} Been suicidal

The pieces fall into place one by one. Soon, I shall have a full picture of myself, and understand who I am and what I am to do.
I will write the final piece here, to help me organize myself. I will begin by examining me in a peaceful state, one that I have yet to really attain. Perhaps this way I shall figure out the darker areas of my knowledge and illuminate it all.

My picture of peace is me sitting on a hill, alone, looking out on the scenery below me, with a sinking sun and a reddish tint to the world, and a slight breeze.
What can I divine from this? For one, I find peace in the end of the day in the reddish tint, rather than a bright sunny day on a hill. Happier, at least. Peace at the end of the day, after the work of the day is done. This would mean that I would find peace after the work, and I am supposed to be work before I have peace. Instead, I dream about peace and never really work for it.
Therefore, to attain peace, I would need to work first for it, something that I haven't dedicated myself to. This is the last dark corner of my mind; I could not find peace with myself. Attaining peace will complete my self-analysis at last. This most recent observation would indicate that I've been wasting much time trying to complete my analysis before beginning my work, when I need to begin my work in order to complete my analysis. I have been dawdling, in other words, daydreaming instead of working. It is time to begin.
One resolution that I've made, now, is one that may be a mistake. I've decided to stop caring what anyone thinks about me. At face value, that sounds like it should be common sense, with no drawbacks. Of course I shouldn't worry about that. But then, if I stop caring, am I going to become a reclusive man who doesn't share with other people? If I stop caring, I wouldn't care if other people like me, when I need them to in order to gain their trust and be able to aid them if needed. Instead, I will have to draw a fine line: I will not care what people think of me, as long as I don't become distant from them. Keep my friends close, be open to other people, but be myself. Sorry for all you nonners out there reading this, but this means I'm not gonna be as arrogant anymore, or at all worried about pwnage, or considerate of whether I am superior to others or not. It just isn't me. Don't worry, though, the real me still pwns. Just in a nice way :)

Hehe, reading Gods of America. Some good points, though I don't think it'd hold up to a non-Christian arguement against it, since it is based on God's supremacy and importance in contrast with celebrities. But I did find this, written mainly about fake-goths:

"So many people these days claim to be independent thinkers. They believe themselves to be individuals (see Conformity, Inc. for my further grievances against these types), unpolluted and untainted by the world around them; that they are untethered minds, existing alone, operating in a seamless pocket of lucid reality."
   ~[Avoral]

That, I think, could nearly describe me, provided that you change the last few words from 'lucid reality' to 'lucid unreality'. At least I know I'm deluded. And honestly, I am. I don't live in nearly the real world :D

Well. Uematsu's work in Final Fantasy is one thing. Enya is completely different. Both are very well done. Uematsu's music is quite good, though it seems different from Enya's. Her work is more energizing and motivating. Uematu's music inspires me morally, but Enya's work has a certain pulse that pushes me to do something. I think that if I compile a playlist of all her music, and play it, I'll be inspired enough to write stories that actually read well, that I can actually put onto paper some of the ideas that I've had in my mind but was unable to describe fittingly enough. I now hold both Uematsu's work and Enya's on equal level, powerful in their own respects.
Uematsu writes music that plays in the background and affects you. Naturally, considering that he is a music writer for videogames. Enya's music plays, and it draws your attention right to it, making you hear how it sounds. Uematsu's work can play for long periods of time without any major side effects. In fact, it sinks into the background. Not so, as I listen to Enya. After a few tracks of Enya nonstop, it can be overwhelming. It's rather amazing music, in certain aspects.

Meh, for all the efforts I've made at finalizing my departure from Elftown, it all amounts to nothing. Yes, I know I said that the previous diary entry would be the last one I made. Not so anymore.
I've decided that it's futile. I said I'd leave in January. What, four months later, and I still haven't really left? It isn't happening. I said I was leaving because of time restraints. They aren't really ther anymore. Maybe I was imagining them. Or maybe they just aren't so restrictive anymore, it being spring.

I can't really, leave, though. There are people here that I can help. After all, that's what I've dedicated myself to do; help people who need it. And besides. If I really did leave, well, the non wiki is full of people who think premarital sex is alright. You guys need a conservative guy around to keep you guys in line :P
I can't really leave. Still things to do here. I won't get into all those wiki things again, with the massing of half a thousand watched pages or anything, I'll still spend only a little time on here, but I'm here to stay. For now, at least. Expect me to take a vacation sometime around Thanksgiving, though. Things usually get busy around there.

Sorry for distressing you guys so much about the leaving thing. I really did mean to leave. Eh, maybe I am addicted to Elftown. Nah. I can do good things here. *nods* Yup, thats why I'm staying. Certainly not addicted. Nope.

Plenty of change in my account, I've noticed. Not sure what prompted this change, but it happened pretty recently. For one, put up a new pic. Doesn't happen every day. Secondly, changed my mood. Doesn't fit too much with my actual mood, but it's a nice change. And yes, of course there's some secret meaning behind it's puzzling phrase. And probably most obviously, I've changed my name. Aradon Templar. Feel kind of guilty with taking out 'Lord' from my name. But in all honesty, He doesn't belong there. I could wish I were that, but I'm not completely fixed yet. Not up to having God in my name, as of now. People expect me to be an expert on religion. Not quite. I am rather emphatical about it, but no expert. And I felt scared that my family might have found out about my name. They'd all laugh, I think. My brother already did. The older one, too. Not the younger one. So yeah. Changed it to something a bit more creative. It feels liberating, really, without everyone's expectations to live up to.
And that's about it. Again, sorry for any and all inconveniences.

And now, for my final entry. I've decided to leave Elftown. It holds no appeal anymore. I've lacked in comments on many pages. It takes far too much time for me to handle it, and it brings in no production. More useless than my videogames. And in all honesty, I really am not befriending the best people, in the non-wiki. (Sorry guys, you're great, but a bit too harsh for my total liking... in general.)
In short, Elftown is having negative effects, now. It's served its purpose, but now I will move on, into the real world, and stop sitting at this desk my entire life not going anywhere. Farewell, Elftown.

Well, now I've figured out why it is so hard to be who I want to be at school. My school has 2000 people. Each of us has our own opinion about how life is, and how we should live it. At home, individually, we probably all succeed. But then, when we all come together at school, there is a collision of 2000 philosophies, crashing and bouncing off each other, creating a mayhem. It is difficult to maintain who I wish to be in this chaos. But now that I know what the problem is, perhaps I can do it.

"Welcome to the human race. Nobody controls his own life, Ender. The best you can do is choose to fill the roles given you by good people, by people who love you."
     ~Ender's Game

Ah. Note to self from Sermon yesterday- very useful in future debates...

True love, as stated by the Bible, must be three things:
1. Complete- no restrictions, unconditional, total, and absolute.
2. Permanent- Once you make a commitment to a person by saying you love them, you cannot take it back, if it to be true love. This goes with 'unconditional'. Nothing should be able to prompt you to withdraw it.
3. Fruitful- if nothing is produced from your love, it is stagnant and useless. Love is always meaningful and fruitful.

Each of these three points have to do with marraige, as was described last night. Complete has to do with adultery. If you give your love to one person, you don't have any left to give to another. Total devotion. Unconditional deals with divorce. It isn't true love if you go and take it away the moment you are upset. Fruitful- Both gay marraige and the use of any sort of contraceptives. Neither will bear children, which is the fruit of love as described in marraige. All four of these things are therefor wrong in the Church's eyes.
Some people may think you can just ignore the 'fruitful' part. Not true. Try taking away either of the other two points. Sure, I'll marry you, but if you displease me, I'm out of here. Sound fine? How about this. Will you marry me? Oh, by the way, I'll want to sleep with her, her, her, and her. Okay? Not likely. You can't take away either of the others, why would you be able to take away the third? You can't.

To put in other terms, true love means to love someone as God loves them. Unconditionally, totally, and fruitfully.

So yes. This will help in debates that I'm sure will soon be brought to me...

~Caleb

P.S. If anyone disagrees, fine, but don't be rude about it :P

About time I put this down in my diary, I think...
Its a dream that I had quite a few months ago. I remember that there was a plot to it, but I don't recall any of it, other than one scene, but hopefully it will remain etched in my memory forever.

I remember that I was on a train of sorts, and between two cars were an empty bed where another car could have been, but wasn't. I was standing there, outside while the train was moving, watching the scenery fly past. It looked wonderful, but nothing breathtaking, like mountains or such, though I saw some in the distance. Instead, there was mainly a light forest. But what really dominated the dream was the figure to my left. It wore some sort of white robe that was flapping everywhere in the wind. I never got to see its face because of the robe, but I remember several things about it. One, it was all fluffy when I hugged it ^.^ And secondly, I felt feelings coming from it, so strong that I could feel them myself. All I can really call it is complete love and acceptance. All I can really call the being was God. If you understand those two sentences, then you'll understand why I'll never forget that dream. Standing somewhere beautiful, and standing next to God...

Funny quotes, by those other than me: (to be added)

- 'hejaaa! I STOLE THIS, dudes!! deal. ^^' ~SilverFire

- 'quote git from forums: "huge tag was made for giving huge hugs ;)" *mutters* bitch.' ~ SilverFire

- '*This page has been stolen by [windowframe]* *couldn't handle seeing 'lol' at the top of the page anymore*' ~ SilverFire

- ':-P it just felt right to steal it *wonders if that'll hold in court*' ~ SilverFire

*sigh* So, I've learned that yet again my life is in need of reformation...
Kind of like a further effort in banishing the 15-syndrome, as I did about last February (2004).
I have to become humble >.> Tis gonna be very hard, when I heard what I had to do. I have to stop wanting to be liked, stop wanting to be loved, stop wanting to be praised, stop wanting to be seen or encouraged. Stop wanting to have anything good from the world bestowed upon me. Very difficult. I don't want to be recognized but a little, but even that little must go. I want to be loved very much, a very large part of me. But that must go too.
This will be very difficult for me, but I am determined to succeed. It detracts from who I am, it boosts my pride, my vanity. I must get rid of this, whatever the cost...
But it will hurt :(

~Caleb

PS. After the first day of me trying this, I conclude that while it is difficult to maintain such discipline, it is not as painful or sad as I thought. It appears I underestimated myself :P

Mood: Very annoyed with family
Music: None playing

Urgh... I can't stand any of my family, anymore... They're so weird. Yes, I know your sarcastic reply in your head (And you're not?). No, I am not weird. I am normal, if a bit eccentric. At least I refine myself so it is controlled, displayed at only the moments it is best.
My parents are so picky. So particular. So stupid. But even worse, so fake. And clueless, as well.
My siblings are so loud its embarrasing. They are not refined. They are wild, and even more clueless.
My entire family knows how to push my buttons. Lack of repsect, lack of self-control, and lack of common sense.
Bah! Useless complaining, they just ruin my day...

And yes, I know how self-centered that makes me sound. It makes me sound like a jerk. But I'm not, and you'll have to trust me on that point. I am just very very annoyed.

On another note, I have decided to further my growth in my faith by doing something about the groups of people who have exhibited 15-syndrome that have always bothered me around Elftown. I wish all the people I message to understand that I mean no offense in my messages. However, I do admit that it is an intrusion into your life. I do not apologize, either. Tolerance can go either way. By this I mean that I can tolerate your being different, and become complacent, or you can tolerate my religion, which does in fact call me to intrude on other people's lives to spread my wonderful faith.
If my views offend you, by all means say so, and I will end conversation with you. On another side note, I will not message anyone more than once with my attempts to spread my 'light'.

Mood: Very good right now.
Music: General stuff (y'know, the FF works)

*Gasp* I've been nameplated!

This made by a person who claims not to be very good :P
Plenty of talent here...

Time: 1:34 AM (why are these things always late at night? :P)
Music: Just finished a finale, some pretty upbeat stuff :)

Time for another entry. This time I think I'm gonna complain :P

Something that really annoys me, and my friend SilverFire made a very good point of this in her bio too, is when people call something x-mas. That takes the entire point out of it. If you don't have the guts to say Christmas, you definately aren't Christian. And frankly, if you aren't Christian, it isn't your holiday ;) So leave off on it. You have nothing to say about it. If you aren't Christian, you are celebrating Christmas out of the idea of either 1) Yay I like getting stuff (selfishness), or 2) I like giving people things (generosity). Hate to break it to you, but Christmas isn't about either. Sure, generosity is great, but its actually about Jesus. And I'm sure that atheists don't sit down and think "Oh, what a marvelous day it was, 2000 years ago," before they have at their presents. They miss the entire thing... I find it insulting whenever I see "x-mas", cause I start thinking, "Oh WAIT! You just took out what it's all about!!?" What do you have left? Presents. Christmas should seriously be a "Christians only" day :P

Mood: Content & relaxed
Music: None, about to go to bed...

Whew... Been a while since I've been here with some real entries... I'm glad to say most everything is looking up. I've renovated my house (ET house :D), and its much prettier now. Much thanks to the Elftown Graphics! Wonderful idea, Calico! I must admit, I didn't like it at first, but once entries got started, the entire thing just took off, and I'm amazed at the quantity & quality both. My Utopia account is looking pretty good. Finally using all my resources. I used to have excess money, stealth, and mana, but now my mages are exhausted, money is gone (gave some newbie in my kingdom 1 million gold, upon request @.@), stealth is nothing... Food holding out alright, should improve... I'm worried somewhat about money, but it should be alright... Started a similar game, called Aegis. Has a little potential, but it just left beta-testing phase, so it has quite a few problems still... My school work is getting close to finished... Just need to watch movies (^__^). Heh, My pokèmon game is going alright, too...
As for now, I'm gonna go to bed! G'night!

~Caleb

My secret wiki's wiki headquarter:
Templar's excessivly bored page (For excessively bored people)

~Caleb