I'll be leaving in a few hours to go to Detroit, Michigan. I'll be returning Sunday morning. Apologies for any problems this may cause, though I don't anticipate any. I just figured I'd let everyone know.

So I've finally figured out what it was I liked so much about finishing games, movies, and books. I used to attribute it to a sense of catharsis, which is certainly true. That, and I always left feeling complete and satisfied, with a lot to think about, and a general sense of well being. This is all true, and they are the biggest reasons I love stories and the like that are well-written. They make me feel satisfied.

However, the biggest factor in this that I've overlooked in the past (hence am jotting it in here so I can reread and reremember someday) is the stability that I gain when I finish an adventure. Frequently in life I feel very unstable, like I'm on the verge of breaking down, going insane, or in some manner breaking the strict rules of society, crossing the border between acceptable and unacceptable, even in just my own opinion, society aside. It's stressful to keep control of yourself constantly, or at least it is for me, because for whatever reason I feel like I'm on the verge of doing something unacceptable or going insane (repeating myself now x.x). In any case, after finishing good books or movies or games, I feel solid. Like I can trust myself not to do something wrong, and very confident in my own aptitudes.

Just for the record, I finished Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories, which is why I'm making this post :P Unfortunately, the solidity and satisfied feeling was banished too quickly by sticking me on the computer and planning the rest of my school stuff like five minutes after I finished :(

Since we're studying psychological disorders at school, I ran across a diagnostic test, and for reference after we cover all the topics in class, I'm posting the results here. It says the validity is good, but I wouldn't trust the site because it didn't look professional, and it didn't have very good spelling.

Validity - Validity is Good ( Low End )

Total Score 93

Schizophrenia - 10
Paranoia - 6
Deviate - 13
Introversion - 14
Depression - 18
Hypomania - 8
Somatoform Disorder - 8
Dissociative - 15
Anxiety / Obsession - 4

I wouldn't disregard the dissociative, introversion, and slight schizotypal levels, though. But I would deny depression. I don't know how it figures I'm depressed.

*On review of its criterion, I believe it's confused my schizoid and/or dissociative factors with depression.

I've figured it out. ARI has Schizotypal Personality Disorder (http://www.mentalhealth.com/dis1/p21-pe03.html)

Not going to join the RP Council forum/page/whatever it turns out to be, no time for another forum.

Auditions turned out to have gone well enough to get me into UGA's music school, so that's one less worry for me.
My largest problem now is Mock Trial (which will be resolved this weekend in our competition).
After that is practicing for Detroit's National Orchestra Festival.
And after that, I only need to worry about finishing my music theory composition.
With the exception of AP exams, of course, and school, and all that.

But I'm primarily worried about music theory, since you can just practice the others. Writing music takes the same sort of inspiration as writing does, to make anything besides utter crap. And I refuse to put my name on a paper of utter crap, if people will be performing this.

Auditions went alright. They could have been better, but didn't go as badly as I feared. Mock Trial case is a whole lot worse, I need to fix things and memorize them, which is always the part I do the worst, but hopefully it'll work out.

In any case, I am wondering if it would be worth the effort, or gain enough interest, to create a new game on Elftown where players run countries or regions, develop resources, build a military, and cooperate or fight each other, with the ultimate goal of reigning supreme. There would be numerous side-quests and various threats or disasters, etc to spice the game up. I tried something like this before, but for several reasons it didn't work out. 1) I didn't know what I was doing at the time, 2) Too complicated system (that I didn't explain well), 3) Too time consuming, 4) lack of interest.

If I were to do this, I'd have to remake the system a little, create my own world, write about seven side-quests, maybe more, make it a little more systematic and less judgemental, write up a set of very very clear directions, find a good group of people to play, and probably recruit help maintaining it. It's a lot of work, and I'm not sure it's worth the effort, especially since interest may not be too high. The other big concern is how to rule out the small fry who will sign up to play but aren't capable, mature players. I don't want ppl hu wrt liek dis to play the game because the nuances would be beyond them, and they would be decimated, and I'd feel bad :P

On the other hand, if it becomes a success, it could be an officially sponsored game. But somehow the odds seem against that all. It'd be interesting to make, in any case.

It's no surprise to me that senioritis is so common at our school. We learned about this in psychology: The "General Adaptation Syndrome" is the basic response to any sort of stress. First you have the alarm reaction, where the person realizes they need to react to a stressor. This is the typical fight-or-flight response. In the case of a student, they realize they have to learn everything in school for tests, do all this work, etc. The person then moves to the resistance stage, where the person tries to stabilize his condition and prepare for long-term work to cope with the stressor. This usually involves sustained levels of higher energy while the coping and reactions take place. However, as the body depletes it's extra resources resisting the stress, it eventually becomes exhausted. Coping deteriorates, the subject becomes more vulnerable to stressful conditions, and becomes less productive while it tries to recover. Hence, by the end of their twelvth year of continuous stress, seniors are utterly exhausted, and simply become less productive.

I'm typically more resistant to stress, but in this case, I think I may even have problems >.> I'm physically and mentally exhausted already, and tomorrow I have my UGA music auditions, and the week after I have multiple orchestra rehearsals and Mock Trial rehearsals, plus who knows how much homework I'll be getting. Next Friday and Saturday, I'm competing for Mock Trial. In short, I have the busiest week ahead of me, and no time to sleep, and it's also worth note that my next favorite way of relieving stress (aside from sleeping) is ruled out because I can't find a single room in the house that I could have to myself for more than five minutes at a time. I used to be able to handle any sort of stress because in the morning I would meditate and relax, but noooooo. It's perfectly fine to shove Caleb in some room with his brother, and take away any time he might have to himself to sort things with himself out. Yeah, Caleb doesn't have stress >.>

Mrs. Meeks wants to put me on the Mock Trial competition team, now that I'm able to attend the competition. I feel kind of guilty because I'm taking someone else's position, but he wasn't showing up at the practices enough for the coaches to be happy. A pity, too, because he really knows what he's doing. The only real justification I can think of for doing this is that he'll be participating next year, while I'm a senior and won't be able to do it next year. I'm definitely glad for the chance to go this year, especially since I get to do the cross examination of Dr. Jed Hill. That was the one part that I really thought would be fun. And I made it fun :P My last question for the Doctor, who I portray as having fell asleep behind the wheel and causing an accident is, "Well, Dr. Hill, what does it feel like to be woken up by an airbag?" XD
<3 Mock Trial . I'll be writing up the cheat sheets for us, and maybe get a closing ready.

Apparently I have enough free time because I just went back and read through my entire diary, up until I started spelling 'you' without the 'o', at which point I decided I couldn't have had enough brain cells at the time to have written anything intelligent. After that section, though, I had some good statements to make. I think I may at some point compile all of the worthwhile entries into one wiki and sell it to people :P

The interesting thing that I'm writing this whole entry for, though, is that I found this entry:

"Written about Monday 2004-07-05
<snippet>
The music, naturally, is very good. Unfortunately, I am worrying about later. In a few months, I wonder if I will even hear it when it comes on, because I've heard it just as much as my other pieces... That kind of thing happens, and I just stop appreciating the great music. Oh well, I can deal with that, too, I guess."

I predicted <diary:904108> (about losing the meaning of music) that long ago (like, two years difference). I knew that I knew it would happen! :P

For the record, in answer to my poll, I hold integrity as the most important. To be true to oneself is the most important factor, because without integrity, you don't deserve love, at least not from someone worth wanting love from (if that was coherent). Wisdom will only get you so far, and a person without integrity but with wisdom is a danger more than a boon to society. Success in life is meaningless if you aren't settled with yourself, and that won't happen if you are someone who lacks integrity. In short, I don't care what you do, think, want, or have. If you don't have morals that you hold yourself to, you will be unsatisfied with yourself, untrustworthy, undependable, and all around you will lack self esteem. Integrity goes to the core of who you are, and determines your worth. It means that you can work towards the others, such as wisdom and creativity, and when you get there, those talents and traits will be in good hands. You'll know what to do with what you have. That's my take on it, at least.

I saw someone else put down love, and I can see where that comes from. Heck, it even says in the Bible that only faith, hope, and love will remain till the end, and greatest of those is love, so I won't argue with other people's answers beyond defending my own. I guess that's what makes it a poll is that each answer can be right, but some there is dispute over them all.

Heh, I posted a comment about something in a wiki that I thought was the non, but was in fact another wiki. I realized this, went back to read it again, and I can't help but feeling that I would've written it differently had I known who would've been reading it. There's fate slapping me in the face and telling me not to dare forget that I act differently around different people.

Going back to that entry I made earlier about rage being a different state of mind, I think that most of the changes were just dealing with how confident I was in myself. When I was upset, in order to justify it, I had to really believe that I was right and everything else was wrong. Without strong self-confidence, that conviction would feel hollow. The self-confidence is what produced motivation and conviction, not the rage, and confidence can be produced my means other than anger.

The conclusion is that the more confident you are, the more purpose, resolve, motivation, and conviction you have. The downside is that the more confidence you have, the easier it is to become arrogant, selfish, and you lose your tendency to listen to other people. I can't help but feel that when I was in my state of rage, and this morning when I was feeling more confident than usual, it may have been too confident. Just something to think about, and it goes to show that too much of anything can be a bad thing. Of course, that theory stipulates that anything has a downside, which is another idea to keep in mind. So much to keep in mind these days, you'd almost think it's not worth it being wise and intelligent :P

The Knights of Vangaard
The roleplay for the chivalrous :P
Get an RP that's for honorable people, so you don't have to put up with lots of the annoying people of Elftown. Just started, too, so if you're interested, you get to help shape it up.

Grah. Apparently "late January" is Jan. 30th, because that's how long it took UGA to send me the letter regarding my scholarship application. I would've appreciated a little earlier notice, considering I had my application materials in early too. But apparently I am not good enough for that scholarship anyways, because they rejected me. I'll just have to find others, but I don't exactly know where to look; all the other sites have FAFSA written all over them (American federal assistance program, for you non-Americans). I can't fill out that application yet, so it's all on hold, but it can't really afford to be on hold because it's mostly first-come first-serve. I had really expected to at least be a finalist for the scholarship, though. Rather disappointed, and now I don't exactly know what to do with myself. My dad says I should've taken Columbus State up on their honors scholarship, but it's a little late for that now, which is why I wished I had received notice earlier. I don't want to go to CSU anyways, but try telling that to my dad. He just worried about how much it'll all cost him, which is understandable, but he's being a tad irritating about this all >.<

On the bright side, this means I'll be able to attend the Mock Trial Competition in February. But I really would've preferred to be a finalist. Apparently I'm just letting everyone down, and I feel quite worthless at the moment. Ever feel like you're just a financial burden? Well, his name's Caleb, and he eats through money like it were dessert, or so I hear :(

Sometimes you just know something's gonna happen, and so you prepare for it, but it happens anyways and still catches you completely off-guard. I knew that listening to my music so much would eventually desensitize me to it, so I'd hardly hear it, and I worried about it, but just yesterday I realized it had already happened. Somehow music had just become a game of identifying the track as fast as possible, and remembering what it was about. Songs I knew well I skipped, and listening to music became pretty worthless.

Luckily for me, I realized this had happened yesterday, and was able to enjoy my music again. That part had worried me. Once I grew used to something, would I ever be able to go back? Apparently yes. So just a reminder to everyone. Make sure you don't twist something that's really important to you into something it's not. Things grow old, but if you keep in mind what it's really about, it will seem like new. I think. I still haven't exactly figured this out o.o

Reading Terry Goodkind is like willingly entering a mental carwreck o.O
Somehow, in every book, he takes a very pleasant situation, turns it into a living nightmare for all characters, then fixes it all up again just like new, and then better. Wonderful series, though I've only read the first four books in the Sword of Truth series. This one has been the most twisting so far o.O It's very enjoyable to read, but unless I finish the book, it tends to leave me in a suspended state of tension. I think that if I ever start the fifth, it'll have to be in the summer when I don't have to stop reading to go to school :P

Speaking of this state of tension, it's very interesting. Richard in the series operates as the Seeker of Truth by harnessing his rage, which takes a righteous form, for the most part. For the past few days I've been smoldering myself. Some thing or another irritated me, and set off a little ember, as far as I can tell. I wasn't mad at a particular thing, exactly, but more at a lot of things, and it didn't really matter what. Now, from a moralist point of view, which I tended to hold previously, that would be very worrying. Anger in any form is bound to cause trouble. Best to leave things to a clear mind.

But when I was continually angry, I operated much more efficiently, with more purpose, and I possessed a stronger conviction in everything, even things completely unrelated to any source of anger. I think at one point I decided I was just upset that there was anything wrong at all in the world. I was thinking that people shouldn't have to be working so hard to do some chore or something. In any case, finishing the book resolved the irritant, and I'm back to clear-headed calmness. A bit of relief, like finally sitting down after a long bit of work. But I find that I was never not cool-headed when I was irritated either. It was just a different state of thinking, and probably a more profitable one, considering my lack of motivation when I'm this analytical. But things had a more desperate tinge to them then, as well.

I have to wonder how many other states of mind there are that I haven't experienced. Perhaps love will be another like this, where everything just seems fuzzy, but I'll retain my clear-headedness still. Just things look different. I don't know, but it's interesting and certainly proves that there's more in life that I haven't scratched yet. I need to borrow a shovel, if this keeps going :P

Before I forget yet again:
iippo, you should read Slaughterhouse Five, by Kurt Vonnegut, if you haven't already. There are just too many things in there I read that I thought, "iippo would say something like that!" :D

Wow, I guess thin clouds make rendering very quick, because it finished the large picture in under an hour. Link, if you're interested: http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/46702096/
I think it's a nifty picture :)

I'm currently working on my first quality Terragen Tech Preview image. It's going to be rendered at full quality and all, and I'll be submitting it to dA. I'm really only making this diary entry cause it's really boring waiting for preview renders to load to make sure everything is nice and ready before I hit the key to lock up the computer for a few days :P

I'll tell you, it's really annoying to add a moon to the scene and still get the lighting you want. Sometimes I wish I were a real artist and could just paint the silly picture how I wanted, instead of telling a computer what I mean :D In any case, it's turning out well and I'll have it ready to go as soon as I can make a computer understand "softer clouds" and all that. And maybe some stars. It's getting late, though, and I need to be up by eight tomorrow, so I may put off the stars until tomorrow, which would mean a delay to the render. But I'll have it up in no time :)

Edit: Stars proved to have a bug (strange red dot unrelated to anything but the light source being there), so I'll forego those. The render has been started, after I've been satisfied with everything else. Can't wait to see the result tomorrow morning.

Saw another anti-homophobia banner saying they wouldn't tolerate it from anyone. Seems kind of inconsiderate to me to not tolerate another's fears. I mean, if someone's afraid of heights, I'm not going to tell them they'd better get over it. Everyone has a right to be afraid of gay people too :P

Oh, and it doesn't surprise me at all that Deus is the Princess of Jerusalem. It's just like him. (Mood reference, for when he changes it).