I NEED YOUR HELP GUYZ!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK D00DZ!!!! I have just this second established something. These last couple of years i have been obsessively trying to improve my drawing ability, drawing constantly, and as a result i think it's safe to say i have made a massive improvement in my ability to draw people... HOWEVER. My ability to draw ANIMALS is... lacking slightly... SO. Here is a proposition to all you friends (or anyone else) out there who may be reading this. Give me an animal, any animal, and i'll try and draw it in my style. You can choose colours and markings and a name if you wish, or you can just yell something like 'ZEBRA!!!' at me, and i'll draw it! I'll even draw you as an animal of your choice if that's what you want, i just desperately need animal drawing practice!!! Drop me a message if you feel like motivating a very un-motivated artist to practice drawing animals XD

Thankies! X3

</ramblement>

Just one last thing, it made me laugh.

"American's are always like 'Oooh, you must know the royal family.. Do you know the Queen?'... Yes, yes i do actually, she's my mother." XD XD Bless X3

That is all.

</random>

Ok... Well i feel ALOT better now. I was skulking around in work glaring at anything that moved and nearly in tears most of the time.. Then i went on a half an hour break because i had nothing to do and the store was closed so it was pretty much dead.. And i ended up sitting with Cal and having a long talk to him.. It started casual enough, then he asked me why i looked so upset, and i ended up spilling all, and crying again. Michelle came up and she was like 'look, stay up here, talk it out with Cal, i'll do clothing' so i have a new-found respect for her and i will never call her an evil bitch again XD So i talked to Cal, and Cal talked back :p He was so sweet, and basically told me to stop beating myself up over something so trivial. He said the people at school probably don't hate me for how bitchy i've been, and my real friends will understand that it's because i've been stressed and confused. The stuff people have been saying, about me changing.. They're not bitching about me, they're just concerned that i'm turning into something i'm not, and that i should be flattered that they care enough to notice that there's actually something wrong. Then he said the sweetest thing ever and i literally threw myself across the table and hugged him. He went: "You should tell him about what happened with this other guy.. Apologise, let him know why it happened. He'd be mad to leave a girl like you anyway, you're one of a kind.' and i just went OMFGCALTHANKYOUILOVEYOUARGHHAVEAHUG!!!! *GLOMP* :p and i cried on his shoulder for a bit and he laughed at me and i bought him chocolate because he was so nice. Seriously, talking to a guy you barely know is actually good therapy XD So yeah, he's helped me sort out my brain and i completely worship him for it XD New friend for life as far as i'm concerned!

So. Panic over, i'm going to school tomorrow and i'm going to stop being so stupid. And the stuff people have been saying about Amz changing me... It's all bullshit, it's got nothing to do with Amy, i've just been in a foul mood for 2 weeks.. I'm back to the same old Beki now, no worries ^__^

</ramble>

*sigh* oookaaaaay. I have had a crazy two days. Yesterday, i had a long talk with Josh. I ended up crying my eyes out and yelling at him and basically kicking up a huge fuss. I tried to tell him everything i've been wanting to say, all the stuff about how i've been so stressed out recently and i've been having migraines every day, plus all the stuff about him needing to grow up a bit.. I think i got it all out, garbled though it was, and i realised that i've been lying to myself. I do need him, more than i realised i did, and one of the reasons i've been so snappy and bad tempered the last week was because i missed him not because i hated his guts. I can't believe how stupid and drama-queen-ish i've been over this, and now i feel like i've been a total bitch towards everyone... I couldn't cope with school today, i just woke up and burst into tears. I was nearly in tears all the way to school on the bus.. I went to Gemma's house instead of school and had a chill-out day, which mainly involved face-packs, incense sticks and relaxing music. I don't know how i'm ever going to face anyone again, i feel so ashamed of myself for being so childish this past week.. On top of that, the guilt that i cheated on Josh is eating away at me and making me feel physically sick. I know why i did it now. I was trying to prove to myself that i don't have feelings for Josh anymore.. It didn't work, it's just made me feel awful. I have to tell him, but i don't want to lose him.. It's the right thing to do, and to be honest i deserve to lose him after how much of a bitch and a stupid fucking slag that i've been these last few weeks..

Don't know if i'm going to school tomorrow. Don't know if i'll ever go back actually, after some of the stuff thats been said about me there. My counsellor said i might be better taking a year out and doing my A levels later on. I think he's right, i can't handle this anymore.

I hate myself right now.

I'm going to work.

</ramble>

I had such a laugh with Courtz today XD It was seriously so hilarious.. First we found the stereo that plays music through the whole store, and we accidentally put it into hyper-speed so Hips Don't Lie was playing at like a million miles an hour and me and Courtz were dancing like spacs and giggling hysterically XD It was so funny.. Then we were sneakily eating skips while we were sorting out the socks, and the big store manager came along and we were like "We found these under the socks.. Disgraceful! *hides Skips*" XD and when we went on our break we started forraging around under the machines and found about £2 under there, which we then spent on hot chocolate and brownies that we didn't even want, and we decided that we were having a 45 minute break instead of 15 XD THEN when we were leaving we started discussing Texas and the strong texan accent, and we were trying to think of a name that you can say with that accent which doesn't sound right.

Me: (in Texan Accent) ABDALLAH! ..No that works...
Guy: Wtf are you two doing.
Me: (texan!) ABDALLA!!!
Courtz: What's your name then?
Guy: Um.. Cal..
Me+Courtz: (texan again) CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL!!!! *die laughing*
Cal: *o.O*

XD It was so amusing.. So basically i love work.

Today in school Josh came to talk to me. Well rather he came and hugged me out of the blue and i was like "ARGH, GTFO!!" XD which was really amusing.. Then he started talking, and i just tuned it all out because mark was throwing skittles at me and i was trying so hard not to laugh. I think at the moment i'm still with Josh, but i'm not sure if i want to be. He owes me money and presents though... XD superficial or what... I dunno, i'll see how things go now i'm actually speaking to him again. If i find that i hate his guts, then i'll leave him.. I'd quite like to be single for Cal's anyway. There'll prolly be some cute single guys there... Meh, whatever.

I'm done now. All cheerful and grinny after a good night at work ^____^

That is all.

</ramble>

Ok, i know i sound like an obsessed moron, but Dani has had his hair cut off D8 he's not allowed to do that...

Erm.. There was a point to this diary, but i can't remember what it is.. I still don't know what to do about Josh.. I've discussed it with a couple of people, but i still haven't come to any sort of conclusion.. I think i want to break up with him, but i don't know whether now is the right time, simply because i'll see him all the time so i'll probably end up getting back with him anyway.. Might leave it till half term like i originally said i would, but then i feel like i'm leading him on.. GAH. I hate men. They make my head go funny @__@ The important thing is that it doesn't end messy and horrible like when i broke up with Walker... As annoying as Josh is, he's a good friend and i dont want to lose him as a friend.. I think i just want to lose him as a boyfriend.. And now i'm crying ¬___¬ I'm going to bed, before i drown myself..

</ramble>

Urrrgh... I was in such a vile mood at work tonight, and it's all over Josh for fucks sake.. I don't know what to do about him.. Part of me wants to be with him, and part of me thinks that [imperfectionist] is right and that i'm only with him because i like the security of a relationship, not because i like him. The latter is winning out at the moment. I sent him a really obnoxious and bitchy text at work, just because i was in such a foul mood, then i felt really guilty about it.. Then i got angry with myself for feeling guilty, so i text a bunch of people just for someone to talk to and to take my mind off how angry and upset i was.. But not even 1 person replied and i was getting slowly more and more frustrated.. so i was sat there nearly in tears and Courtz asked me what was up and i snapped at her at first.. Then i felt guilty for that so i pulled myself together and told her what's been happening. She's easy to talk to =3 To be fair to her, she didn't mind that i'd snapped, and she tried her best to give me advice but.. Well to be honest she's only known me a month, she doesn't know Josh so there's not really that much she can say. She basically just said a decision like this is never going to be easy, but it's a decision i have to make with no background noise. So basically i have to do it on my own, because i have loads of people saying 'dump him' and loads saying 'stay with him' it's just so confusing... Instead of listening to them, i have to listen to myself.. Yeah, Courtz is good at advice XD

Apart from all that drama i feel ok now, but totally drained.. I feel like i bloody live in Makro.. Oh well, i had a word with Jenny today and they're going to cut thursdays out of my rota completely (hopefully!), so if they can, as of next week i'll be on 2 day weeks and alternate weekends. YAY!

I'm off to watch that Dani Filth video again now before bed.. I want to dream about him XD

That is all.

</ramble>

OMG OMG OMG!! I have found the episode of never mind the buzzcocks with Dani Filth on it!!! I FORGOT HOW GODDAMN SEXY THAT MAN IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! X3 He's cute on NMTB as well X3

Presenter: So what do you think links those two together?
Dani: ...Could it be that pink line down the middle?

X3 so cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute!!! I'm infatuated with him once again.. Oh dear...

I also found a big collab video of him.. Gah omg he seems like he's so much fun to be around.. He has a freaking skeleton set into the floor in his kitchen. So cool OAO ..And him on helium = funniest sound ever X3

</short obsessive ramble>

I have to go to bed now because i've eaten my cheese. I'm going to stop diary whoring. Night all <3

</not even worth putting anything in here thing>

I have just this second decided to do a psychology experiment this week, whether Mr. Rhind likes it or not.. I'm going to test the theory that eating cheese before you go to bed gives you nightmares.. Easy enough to do. I'll eat cheese every night before bed this week, and record the results in my dream journal. If i don't dream at all this week, then either my nightmares are so terrible that my mind forces me to forget them, or i'm just unlucky and i don't remember stuff when i need to XD

That is all.

</miniramble>

Argh, i got out-sniped on the Yellow manga >_< Then i had a tantrum and tracked down another manga that the sniper was bidding on, and out-sniped them on that XD So now i have a completely random yaoi manga that i didn't even want in the first place o.O Oh well... PRESENTS TOMORROW!!! I know what they are but.. I DON'T CARE! It's the fun of opening stuff X3

I'm being a hyperactive diary whore now >_>

Man talk about retail therapy.. I've been shopping like a maniac on Ebay recently, and i'm dead excited because most of what i've bought it coming tomorrow and it'll be like christmas all over again opening all those packeges X3 I'm watching an auction for the Yellow manga boxset at the moment.. I haven't bid yet, but 3 people are bidding like crazy and my plan is to snipe them in the last 10 seconds using my usual trick XD Oh dear, i'm becoming an Ebay addict *smack* It's only another £15 and then i PROMISE i'll stop buying stuff.. It just makes me feel better for some reason XD

That's all i had to say really.. Work was ok today, went a bit slower than yesterday but meh.. I'm getting used to it XD

That is all.

</ramble>

*yaaaaawn* nomnomnom... What am i doing on here at 8:30am for Christ's sake.. I'm not even sure myself, i only got up 15 minutes ago, i'm kinda in a daze still.. Got to go to work in 15 minutes... Don't wanna >.< Yesterday wasn't to bad i guess.. 8 hours doesn't seem like quite as much anymore.. Up till about 2pm it goes really fast, but when you get into the last 3 hours it drags like a bitch.. By the time the last hour comes around i always find myself staring at the clock XD Oh well, it's not that bad, i'm just being a grumpy bad-in-the-morning person.. I'm having one of those days where i just want to crawl back into bed and pretend i forgot i had work or something.. But i'll get fired if i do that, so i'm going in to attack myself with the security tag gun again XD

What else did i want to say? That's it really i think.. Just that i really don't feel like going and standing behind a counter for 8 hours doing nothing.. I served, what.. 9 customers yesterday, if that. In 8 hours, that really isn't alot. Fail.

</ramble>

Ahaha, i was just watching this new impro game show thing on tv called Thank God You're Here, and it's so effing funny XD I'm going to be glued to the tv every week watching it now XD My favourite line from it was:

Manager: John, you've been manning the drive-thru
John: Well i can't woman it..

XD I don't know why that made me laugh so much, it just really amused me for some reason XD

Moving away from TV... My dog is weird. Every morning we have to clear out her bed, because over the night she wanders around the house, steals things and puts them in her bed. Today i found a pack of cards, a posh fountain pen and a recipe for some chicken dish... What the hell has she been doing, playing poker with the cat and writing recipes?! That dog seriously has a problem.. XD

That is all.

</ramble>

Won: 8   Amount:  £115.53 


Oooooh dear... That's my Ebay bill FOR A WEEK. I am so effing bad with money XD XD

Work wasn't so bad today, it seemed to go really fast for some reason.. Prolly because i had alot to do XD I don't really have anything useful to say now.. I'm off to eat curry! XD

</mini ramble>

Today, i feel like my head is imploding in on itself. I seriously am getting sick of these headaches, they have been loitering around for what feels like forever and they're getting worse... My optician says it's got nothing to do with my eyes, so i'm going to see the doctor tomorrow i think... Oh bum bum shit i'm supposed to be going to the gym tomorrow.. I'll tell mum to book me in at the doctors later then, losing flab is more important than losing migraines XD but seriously, it feels like i have a small porcupine practicing gymnastics inside my skull, it's awful. I'm ok at night, when it's dark, but the minute i'm in any kind of vaguely bright light my head starts banging and i have to shut my eyes to make it stop ¬___¬ irritating..

Also. The Josh fiasco. I still don't know what to do about him. He text me this big long, romantic (in his world) text last night, and i just burst into tears. I think the tears were more because i'm hormonal at the moment and i was slightly merry on wine (again).. But i couldn't bring myself to reply to it, tell him i'm sorry for being a bitch and ignoring him because.. Well i'm not sorry. Not in the slightest. He's been pissing me off with his constant moods and his 'All the shit' line that seems to keep popping up and 'messing up his head'. What this shit is i have no idea, because he'll never tell me. It's just 'all the shit'. Which implies that there's nothing wrong at all and he's just being a drama queen. I just wanted to yell at him yesterday 'Change the damned record will you. Grow the fuck up. Life is shit, it's shit for everyone at this age, we're all having a tough time and we all want to chuck ourselves off bridges sometimes. Get over it, you're not the only hormonal teenager in the world and you're not getting any bloody sympathy from me anymore.' and leave it at that... Seriously, he spends all his time yattering to me about how 'stressed' he is. I'm a full time student, i work full time hours at Makro AS WELL. I have a dying dad and most of my family live a million miles away from me. Alex is taking 5 A-levels, she has a shit load of work to do, more than i think any human being should be able to handle. Her dad is hardly ever home and she has alot to deal with there to. Isaac lives with an alcoholic mother and has to look after his 2 little brothers on his own, because she does nothing to help. He had to drop out of college at 17 and go into full time work just to support the family. And Josh? Josh gets in trouble at college now and then because he's a naughty boy and skips it. Josh doesn't live with his mum anymore because he WALKED OUT. Josh doesn't have any money because he spends it all on stupid, ugly piercings. Josh has a much harder life than all of us clearly. Please note the sarcasm. Myself and several of my friends are in much tougher situations than him, and while i'll admit his life isn't peachy, he has no right to get shirty with me when i tell him to stop whining because to be frank it does my head in. Life is always going to be hard, and he is going to have to deal with that one day. I have, other people have. I don't know about them, but i'm way better off for it! Josh needs a wake up call, and i think a break up will be just the thing ^__^ So yes, i think that as of tomorrow i will be single again. I've had enough of a whiney teenager with the mentality of a 10 year old hanging off my arm.

Wow, i sounded like such a bitch then o_O i wish he could read that though, it would be much easier than me having to tell him.. Oh well, i'll try and get it all into one sentence tomorrow. And if it still doesn't sink in then whatever Gods there are help him.. Or drop a cow on him, whichever.

That is all.

</ramble>

I feel better today.. I am unnecissarily tired, but i'm starting to get used to all the stress i've got going on now.. I'm used to 3 days a week haveing to get up, go to school, come home, eat really fast, go to work for 5 hours then go to bed.. I'm used to knowing that i'll be in work for 18 hours over the weekends.. I'm getting better at managing my time and although i'm utterly exhausted, i'm actually enjoying it. All the long hours at work and hard work in school is actually giving me something to do. I'm not eating compulsively anymore, i've dropped a stone (YESH!), my size 10 jeans are too big for me now (that is good XD), i've made new friends at work, i'm feeling more social in general, and i'm not doing too badly at school either! My psychology exam today was a piece of piss, so i think i'm gonna be ok with the rest of my exams. And me and Harry were bitching about psychology today, which was fun X3 *sigh* i never actually thought that leading a busy and active lifestyle could be so rewarding! I used to just sit around at home being bored off my tits doing nothing, but now i actually have no time to do that i really appreciate my 'me time' alot more XD

For the first time in a long time i'm actually enjoying every aspect of my life! Things are goooooood. Except a conversation i had with Topher while in work today.. But he can go fuck himself at the moment, i'm in too much of a good mood to let his jealousy get me down! I AM HAPPY I TELL YOU, AND I WON'T LET ANY AMOUNT OF STRESS OR TIREDNESS GET ME DOWN!!!! I am the worlds laziest hard worker as of today :p

That is all.

</ramble>

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. I've had a bad day today. Woke up with the migrane of the century and i was like 'fuck it, there's no way i'm going to school with this, i'll tear someone's head off..' so i took 5000000 paracetamol and other painkillers and curled back up in bed. I woke up at 12 and remembered i had work at 3:30 and i was like 'nuuuu, not going..' but i decided to go anyway because my headache was dying down and i didn't feel so shit, plus i didn't want to leave Courtz on her own for 5 hours... So i crawled around the house for a bit, watched a movie, then went to work. Work wasn't too bad, had a laugh with Courtz over a pair of dalek slippers that went 'exterminate!' when you pressed them. We ended up goofing around pretending to be robots and pressing the exterminate button every time we spoke XD

Me: 'exterminate' *does robot dance*
Courtz: I. Will. Trash. Your. Shoes. 'exterminate' *knocks the shoes down*
Paul (floor manager): Are you two working or messing around with dalek slippers?
Me+Courtz: <.< >.> ........'exterminate'...... *ROFL*
Paul: *walks off shaking his head*

XD XD made me giggle... But yeah. Nothing else majorly interesting has happened to me today... I just don't know how i'm going to face Josh tomorrow. I feel so aweful for what happened on Friday night (Alex knows..) and thinking about it now i don't think i want to lose him yet.. Well.. I dunno really, this is what happened last time.. I spent a week avoiding him and debating whether or not to break up with him, i broke up with him and realised it was the wrong decision.. Or maybe it was the right decision and i just have no conviction whatsoever? I don't know... I have a vague plan... I'll stay with him, see if this niggling need to be single and whorish again dies down. If it doesn't, i'll break up with him before half term, giving me a week to get over it before i have to see him again. It sounds selfish, i know but.. It worked with Steevo <_< >_> and i just don't want to break up with him then decide that i actually want to go out with him again.. It's not fair on either of us. So. I'll see how things unfold. But right now i'm debating whether to tell him about friday night, or whether it's best left unsaid. I was very drunk.. Ergh.. I dunno, i'll attack Alex and cry at her tomorrow at some point XD thank whatever Gods there are that i have her to slap me into place when i need it, else i'd be some kind of mad whorish tramp by now XD

Anyway, that's all i had to say. I need to sleep now before.. Oh shit. I've just noticed it's past midnight. That means i have been payed. EBAY AHOY!!!!!!!!!

^{I am so bad with any amounts of money, it's unreal...}

I only got 2 weeks worth of pay this month though!! I have to wait until next month for my £800! *depressed* My paycheck for this month is only £275 OAO how can i survive on that?!?! XD XD

That is all.

</ramble>

Roite.. i will now attempt to ramble about Amz's.. This will be similar to Alex's ramble, only most likely more garbled as i don't seem to remember all that much o_O I got to Amz's an hour before Alex, and we cooked the dinner (and Amz forced a few shots of vodka down my throat XD). She really amused me becuase she couldn't be arsed defrosting the chicken so she blow-dried it XD Made me giggle.. Then we went and got alex, and for some reason i decided i was wearing Amz's masquerade mask.. So i looked like a bloody maniac walking down the street with this weird mask that has a massive beak XD
After we hung out at Amz's for a bit, watched Clockwork Orange, one of my uber fave films <3, and mucked about on webcam we decided we were going to the park. Things get a bit fuzzy after this because i was on the wine, i'd had several shots of vodka and a fair bit of beer (i found 3 empty cans of it in my bag in the morning XD) Me and Amz had been through 2 bottles of wine between us.. Ish.. Apart from the glass i spilled on her carpet XD XD twice XD so i was pretty merry, but not really drunk. And that's the worst for me. When i get merry, i forget everything XD drunk, i'll always remember. Merry, no. So we went to the pub to meet Topha and some random guys i think i may have known, and i met this girl called Sian who was really nice. We decided to burn a face onto my fraggle Melvyn for no reason XD she was cool.. Then some random guy who i think was called Gaz sent me a bunch of music.. We went to the chippy and i started talking to some random strangers and eating their chips XD Then we decided to go to Tesco for no reason whatsoever. We got there, stuffed our tops with scrunched up magazines for insulation, then walked all the way back to Buckley double quick time XD Me and Alex got there really fast and Amz was miles behind us, so we fell asleep in a hedge for half an hour XD Then on the way back to Amz's she nicked an elephant watering can from someones garden XD We got in at about 6am and went straight to bed. I fell asleep within abot 6 seconds of my head touching the pillow (wine does that to me) and didn't wake up till 12:30 (missed my hair appointment, but that's a good thing since i discovered that my hair had about half a can of beer in it XD) then me and Amz watched a chinese horror film, and my mum picked me up to go and have my eyes tested! THE FECKING END!!!

</ramble>

Oh wait, two more things. I have decided that if i'm going to drink in future, then i will drink wine as it doesn't seem to get me as drunk as other substances (or i didn't notice anyway) and i dont get hung over at all either. It also doesn't make me feel sick like other alcohol does, it's affects last longer, and i don't get headaches when i drink it. So yes, from now on i'm a wine person.

The other thing was that i got ANOTHER pair of designer glasses in town (Gok Wan reccomended ones!!! <3 XD) So now i have 2 pairs of Osiris glasses, both costing £125 each. Booya! XD

That is all.

</ramble again>

Aaah man, Amz's was so amusing.. I'm not going to ramble about it now, i want to go and watch a film before i go to bed.. All i'll say for now is that me and [Lexi. Short and Sweet!] ended up sleeping in a hedge at 5:30am XD XD XD XD omg lol...

</very short ramble>