I'm sorry guys, i love you all so much, please never forget that. I can't do this anymore. There's no point. I'm never going to be anything more than a loser amongst thousands of other losers.

Forgive me for my cowardice. Stay brave, i know you can even if i can't.

Sorry.

"Skateboarding in wellies, another bright idea brought to you by the Makro team!"

XD I do love the people i work with sometimes.. I am totally nackered out though, i seriously don't know whether my brain and body can handle all this... I had to come home early from school today because i was just so exhausted it was making me feel physically sick. I was shaking so much while i was at the bus stop an old guy who was sitting there with me asked me if i wanted to wear his coat XD bless him.. But i wasn't cold, i just couldn't stop shaking.. I went home and had a sleep, and i felt a bit better so i went to work... Had a laugh with some of the guys there (once again i seem to get on better with the men than the women *facepalm*) and i do feel a little better now.. But because of my nap this afternoon i don't really feel like it's time to sleep, even though i know it is... I've been watching Dirty Sanchez for the last hour so i know full well that it's my fault that i'm so tired... Oh well, bed now.

In other news, Viper is coming to stay with me in a month and a bit, so i'm like 'eanhovenwaiofjeioawgrag *explodes*' because i haven't seen him in so long. Should be gooood. He's staying for a week.. And amazingly my parents are ok with it o.O

Me: Mum, how would you feel about Viper staying here for a week?
Mum: He's sleeping in your room, i won't have him on the couch.
Me: ...Is that a yes?
Mum: As long as he's nice to the dog and your brother, i don't care.
Dad: He likes alcohol doesn't he? He'll fit in fine here..
Me: *o.O*

So yeah.. That's my news for the day, i'm off to bed now..

</ramble>

My mum just cheered me up and worried me at the same time... We were talking about how i want to decorate my room, and we decided to do it either ancient Japanese (with proper wall scrolls, bamboo flooring, paper lanterns and a fouton instead of a bed), Medieval (stone-lino floor, four poster bed, heavy old wooden furniture) OR Vampire. Now vampire was my favourite idea. Brackets on the walls, a massive chandelier, red velvet everywhere and spooky sepia portraits on the walls. But. This is the crazy part. My mum agreed that if we go for vampire-theme, she'll let me have a coffin as a bed. I was like 'wtf'. She actually suggested it. She goes "they're selling coffins on ebay for £150, you could have one as a bed and line it with velvet and stuff." ...I just went *o.O* ..I really worry sometimes..

How weird would it be to sleep in a coffin?!

My mother is insane...

I'm going to bed now.

</ramble>

^{Note: Bed, not coffin}

Tired... So tired i feel like i'm going to die... I fell asleep on the bus on the way home, i was nodding off in work... I'm so exhausted all the time recently, i just can't handle all this anymore... All i ever seem to do is school, work, school, work... It's starting to get me down *yaaaaaaaaaaaaawn*

Oh well, doctors on friday and then hopefully i'll find out what the hell is wrong. They've run enough fucking tests, they should have bloody well worked it out by now. All i know is there's a possibility that i'm showing the first signs of schizophrenia. Oh yay. They said this 3 years ago too, i went through a shit load of hypnotherapy and it seemed to die down or dissapear or something.. and now it's come up again ¬___¬ so naturally i'm bricking it because if i actually do have that then it's an uncurable mental illness and it's seriously going to make life difficult (moreso than it already is) in the future... Whatever.. There you go, y'all know yet another thing about me that i didn't want to tell anyone.. Feel free to start chucking tomatoes and shit, Beki is a freaking mental case =___= i feel like curling up in a ball in my bed and crying and never coming out again, but that's just not going to solve anything...

In other news, next weekend me and Josh will be 'celebrating' our 5 month anniversary. I don't know whether to be happy or cry.

'Water Jungle' is the funniest thing i've heard all month. "Uh.. I meant rain forest.." ...drunk people make me laugh =] almost enough to cheer me up. Not quite though.

Going into Chester with Amz tomorrow. I need to let a load off so that should be a good opportunity to just chillax and have a laugh. Her gas mask finally arrived.

Other than that i pretty much feel crap at the moment. I'm going to murder the fucking doctors if they haven't got any results for me this time. Every time i go back it just seems to be more tests... Jesus christ...

That's all i have to say, i'm going to die of exhaustion if i don't sleep in a minute.

Night all.

</ramble>

Well i now feel very motivated indeed! I have lots of animals to draw for lots of awesome people, so i'm happy =] due to the fact that i now actually have something to draw, and i'm not just doodling, i feel like i'm achieving something! yay X3 Off to RP now and put the whole Thornography album onto my phone XD turrah!

</miniramble>

I NEED YOUR HELP GUYZ!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK D00DZ!!!! I have just this second established something. These last couple of years i have been obsessively trying to improve my drawing ability, drawing constantly, and as a result i think it's safe to say i have made a massive improvement in my ability to draw people... HOWEVER. My ability to draw ANIMALS is... lacking slightly... SO. Here is a proposition to all you friends (or anyone else) out there who may be reading this. Give me an animal, any animal, and i'll try and draw it in my style. You can choose colours and markings and a name if you wish, or you can just yell something like 'ZEBRA!!!' at me, and i'll draw it! I'll even draw you as an animal of your choice if that's what you want, i just desperately need animal drawing practice!!! Drop me a message if you feel like motivating a very un-motivated artist to practice drawing animals XD

Thankies! X3

</ramblement>

Just one last thing, it made me laugh.

"American's are always like 'Oooh, you must know the royal family.. Do you know the Queen?'... Yes, yes i do actually, she's my mother." XD XD Bless X3

That is all.

</random>

Ok... Well i feel ALOT better now. I was skulking around in work glaring at anything that moved and nearly in tears most of the time.. Then i went on a half an hour break because i had nothing to do and the store was closed so it was pretty much dead.. And i ended up sitting with Cal and having a long talk to him.. It started casual enough, then he asked me why i looked so upset, and i ended up spilling all, and crying again. Michelle came up and she was like 'look, stay up here, talk it out with Cal, i'll do clothing' so i have a new-found respect for her and i will never call her an evil bitch again XD So i talked to Cal, and Cal talked back :p He was so sweet, and basically told me to stop beating myself up over something so trivial. He said the people at school probably don't hate me for how bitchy i've been, and my real friends will understand that it's because i've been stressed and confused. The stuff people have been saying, about me changing.. They're not bitching about me, they're just concerned that i'm turning into something i'm not, and that i should be flattered that they care enough to notice that there's actually something wrong. Then he said the sweetest thing ever and i literally threw myself across the table and hugged him. He went: "You should tell him about what happened with this other guy.. Apologise, let him know why it happened. He'd be mad to leave a girl like you anyway, you're one of a kind.' and i just went OMFGCALTHANKYOUILOVEYOUARGHHAVEAHUG!!!! *GLOMP* :p and i cried on his shoulder for a bit and he laughed at me and i bought him chocolate because he was so nice. Seriously, talking to a guy you barely know is actually good therapy XD So yeah, he's helped me sort out my brain and i completely worship him for it XD New friend for life as far as i'm concerned!

So. Panic over, i'm going to school tomorrow and i'm going to stop being so stupid. And the stuff people have been saying about Amz changing me... It's all bullshit, it's got nothing to do with Amy, i've just been in a foul mood for 2 weeks.. I'm back to the same old Beki now, no worries ^__^

</ramble>

*sigh* oookaaaaay. I have had a crazy two days. Yesterday, i had a long talk with Josh. I ended up crying my eyes out and yelling at him and basically kicking up a huge fuss. I tried to tell him everything i've been wanting to say, all the stuff about how i've been so stressed out recently and i've been having migraines every day, plus all the stuff about him needing to grow up a bit.. I think i got it all out, garbled though it was, and i realised that i've been lying to myself. I do need him, more than i realised i did, and one of the reasons i've been so snappy and bad tempered the last week was because i missed him not because i hated his guts. I can't believe how stupid and drama-queen-ish i've been over this, and now i feel like i've been a total bitch towards everyone... I couldn't cope with school today, i just woke up and burst into tears. I was nearly in tears all the way to school on the bus.. I went to Gemma's house instead of school and had a chill-out day, which mainly involved face-packs, incense sticks and relaxing music. I don't know how i'm ever going to face anyone again, i feel so ashamed of myself for being so childish this past week.. On top of that, the guilt that i cheated on Josh is eating away at me and making me feel physically sick. I know why i did it now. I was trying to prove to myself that i don't have feelings for Josh anymore.. It didn't work, it's just made me feel awful. I have to tell him, but i don't want to lose him.. It's the right thing to do, and to be honest i deserve to lose him after how much of a bitch and a stupid fucking slag that i've been these last few weeks..

Don't know if i'm going to school tomorrow. Don't know if i'll ever go back actually, after some of the stuff thats been said about me there. My counsellor said i might be better taking a year out and doing my A levels later on. I think he's right, i can't handle this anymore.

I hate myself right now.

I'm going to work.

</ramble>

I had such a laugh with Courtz today XD It was seriously so hilarious.. First we found the stereo that plays music through the whole store, and we accidentally put it into hyper-speed so Hips Don't Lie was playing at like a million miles an hour and me and Courtz were dancing like spacs and giggling hysterically XD It was so funny.. Then we were sneakily eating skips while we were sorting out the socks, and the big store manager came along and we were like "We found these under the socks.. Disgraceful! *hides Skips*" XD and when we went on our break we started forraging around under the machines and found about £2 under there, which we then spent on hot chocolate and brownies that we didn't even want, and we decided that we were having a 45 minute break instead of 15 XD THEN when we were leaving we started discussing Texas and the strong texan accent, and we were trying to think of a name that you can say with that accent which doesn't sound right.

Me: (in Texan Accent) ABDALLAH! ..No that works...
Guy: Wtf are you two doing.
Me: (texan!) ABDALLA!!!
Courtz: What's your name then?
Guy: Um.. Cal..
Me+Courtz: (texan again) CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL!!!! *die laughing*
Cal: *o.O*

XD It was so amusing.. So basically i love work.

Today in school Josh came to talk to me. Well rather he came and hugged me out of the blue and i was like "ARGH, GTFO!!" XD which was really amusing.. Then he started talking, and i just tuned it all out because mark was throwing skittles at me and i was trying so hard not to laugh. I think at the moment i'm still with Josh, but i'm not sure if i want to be. He owes me money and presents though... XD superficial or what... I dunno, i'll see how things go now i'm actually speaking to him again. If i find that i hate his guts, then i'll leave him.. I'd quite like to be single for Cal's anyway. There'll prolly be some cute single guys there... Meh, whatever.

I'm done now. All cheerful and grinny after a good night at work ^____^

That is all.

</ramble>

Ok, i know i sound like an obsessed moron, but Dani has had his hair cut off D8 he's not allowed to do that...

Erm.. There was a point to this diary, but i can't remember what it is.. I still don't know what to do about Josh.. I've discussed it with a couple of people, but i still haven't come to any sort of conclusion.. I think i want to break up with him, but i don't know whether now is the right time, simply because i'll see him all the time so i'll probably end up getting back with him anyway.. Might leave it till half term like i originally said i would, but then i feel like i'm leading him on.. GAH. I hate men. They make my head go funny @__@ The important thing is that it doesn't end messy and horrible like when i broke up with Walker... As annoying as Josh is, he's a good friend and i dont want to lose him as a friend.. I think i just want to lose him as a boyfriend.. And now i'm crying ¬___¬ I'm going to bed, before i drown myself..

</ramble>

Urrrgh... I was in such a vile mood at work tonight, and it's all over Josh for fucks sake.. I don't know what to do about him.. Part of me wants to be with him, and part of me thinks that [imperfectionist] is right and that i'm only with him because i like the security of a relationship, not because i like him. The latter is winning out at the moment. I sent him a really obnoxious and bitchy text at work, just because i was in such a foul mood, then i felt really guilty about it.. Then i got angry with myself for feeling guilty, so i text a bunch of people just for someone to talk to and to take my mind off how angry and upset i was.. But not even 1 person replied and i was getting slowly more and more frustrated.. so i was sat there nearly in tears and Courtz asked me what was up and i snapped at her at first.. Then i felt guilty for that so i pulled myself together and told her what's been happening. She's easy to talk to =3 To be fair to her, she didn't mind that i'd snapped, and she tried her best to give me advice but.. Well to be honest she's only known me a month, she doesn't know Josh so there's not really that much she can say. She basically just said a decision like this is never going to be easy, but it's a decision i have to make with no background noise. So basically i have to do it on my own, because i have loads of people saying 'dump him' and loads saying 'stay with him' it's just so confusing... Instead of listening to them, i have to listen to myself.. Yeah, Courtz is good at advice XD

Apart from all that drama i feel ok now, but totally drained.. I feel like i bloody live in Makro.. Oh well, i had a word with Jenny today and they're going to cut thursdays out of my rota completely (hopefully!), so if they can, as of next week i'll be on 2 day weeks and alternate weekends. YAY!

I'm off to watch that Dani Filth video again now before bed.. I want to dream about him XD

That is all.

</ramble>

OMG OMG OMG!! I have found the episode of never mind the buzzcocks with Dani Filth on it!!! I FORGOT HOW GODDAMN SEXY THAT MAN IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! X3 He's cute on NMTB as well X3

Presenter: So what do you think links those two together?
Dani: ...Could it be that pink line down the middle?

X3 so cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute!!! I'm infatuated with him once again.. Oh dear...

I also found a big collab video of him.. Gah omg he seems like he's so much fun to be around.. He has a freaking skeleton set into the floor in his kitchen. So cool OAO ..And him on helium = funniest sound ever X3

</short obsessive ramble>

I have to go to bed now because i've eaten my cheese. I'm going to stop diary whoring. Night all <3

</not even worth putting anything in here thing>

I have just this second decided to do a psychology experiment this week, whether Mr. Rhind likes it or not.. I'm going to test the theory that eating cheese before you go to bed gives you nightmares.. Easy enough to do. I'll eat cheese every night before bed this week, and record the results in my dream journal. If i don't dream at all this week, then either my nightmares are so terrible that my mind forces me to forget them, or i'm just unlucky and i don't remember stuff when i need to XD

That is all.

</miniramble>

Argh, i got out-sniped on the Yellow manga >_< Then i had a tantrum and tracked down another manga that the sniper was bidding on, and out-sniped them on that XD So now i have a completely random yaoi manga that i didn't even want in the first place o.O Oh well... PRESENTS TOMORROW!!! I know what they are but.. I DON'T CARE! It's the fun of opening stuff X3

I'm being a hyperactive diary whore now >_>

Man talk about retail therapy.. I've been shopping like a maniac on Ebay recently, and i'm dead excited because most of what i've bought it coming tomorrow and it'll be like christmas all over again opening all those packeges X3 I'm watching an auction for the Yellow manga boxset at the moment.. I haven't bid yet, but 3 people are bidding like crazy and my plan is to snipe them in the last 10 seconds using my usual trick XD Oh dear, i'm becoming an Ebay addict *smack* It's only another £15 and then i PROMISE i'll stop buying stuff.. It just makes me feel better for some reason XD

That's all i had to say really.. Work was ok today, went a bit slower than yesterday but meh.. I'm getting used to it XD

That is all.

</ramble>

*yaaaaawn* nomnomnom... What am i doing on here at 8:30am for Christ's sake.. I'm not even sure myself, i only got up 15 minutes ago, i'm kinda in a daze still.. Got to go to work in 15 minutes... Don't wanna >.< Yesterday wasn't to bad i guess.. 8 hours doesn't seem like quite as much anymore.. Up till about 2pm it goes really fast, but when you get into the last 3 hours it drags like a bitch.. By the time the last hour comes around i always find myself staring at the clock XD Oh well, it's not that bad, i'm just being a grumpy bad-in-the-morning person.. I'm having one of those days where i just want to crawl back into bed and pretend i forgot i had work or something.. But i'll get fired if i do that, so i'm going in to attack myself with the security tag gun again XD

What else did i want to say? That's it really i think.. Just that i really don't feel like going and standing behind a counter for 8 hours doing nothing.. I served, what.. 9 customers yesterday, if that. In 8 hours, that really isn't alot. Fail.

</ramble>

Ahaha, i was just watching this new impro game show thing on tv called Thank God You're Here, and it's so effing funny XD I'm going to be glued to the tv every week watching it now XD My favourite line from it was:

Manager: John, you've been manning the drive-thru
John: Well i can't woman it..

XD I don't know why that made me laugh so much, it just really amused me for some reason XD

Moving away from TV... My dog is weird. Every morning we have to clear out her bed, because over the night she wanders around the house, steals things and puts them in her bed. Today i found a pack of cards, a posh fountain pen and a recipe for some chicken dish... What the hell has she been doing, playing poker with the cat and writing recipes?! That dog seriously has a problem.. XD

That is all.

</ramble>

Won: 8   Amount:  £115.53 


Oooooh dear... That's my Ebay bill FOR A WEEK. I am so effing bad with money XD XD

Work wasn't so bad today, it seemed to go really fast for some reason.. Prolly because i had alot to do XD I don't really have anything useful to say now.. I'm off to eat curry! XD

</mini ramble>