Augh.. Can't get on to hotmail.. really annoying as Isaac just text me telling me to check my email, and now i can't because hotmail is being retarded *kicks computer* Why is it when one thing goes wrong everything else decides that it's going to fail too? I swear everything in this house is trying to spite me at the moment =___=
Feh. I give up, i'm going to bed ¬___¬
Hrrm... Down day today... The doctor rang to confirm when i'm seeing the therapist, and i'm down as suffering from severe depression and anxiety... I've been cleaning like a mad thing all day, because for some reason it makes me feel better to throw out everything i can lay my hands on that reminds me of how i used to be. I think i need a whole fresh start really... I've been tearful all day today... I hate to admit it, but this whole experience has really hit me hard. I try to laugh it off with my friends, but inside i feel like i'm rotting... Of course i'm not going to be over it super fast, but i wasn't expecting to feel this dead inside either. Well to be honest i don't know what i was expecting when i came out of the hospital, but... I dunno, i was hoping things might change for the better, but it just seems to have gone back to same old same old, which was exactly what i was trying to escape from when i took those fucking pills... Sorry, i'm getting all stress headed again, i just don't know which way to turn now... I can't stay downstairs on my own because i'm always tempted to go into my dad's drug supply and take some of them, which is just evidence that everything is most certainly not ok with me. I feel like a totally different person sometimes, like i'm not in control of myself anymore, and i can't even explain why i do things... The worst part is, i don't feel any remorse or guilt for what i did. Does that mean it was the right thing to do all along? I don't know, i feel like my head has gone through a blender and despite the fact that i've been venting to my friends insanely the last couple of days, i don't feel like i've said anything at all... It's hard to describe.. I feel like a bomb basically. Out of control, and one little thing could set me off... It's terrifying... I just can't wait to start this counselling and get my life back on track...
Everything isn't fine. I'm hurting more than i care to say, and everything around me just seems to hurt me more... I want to hole myself up and never go out again, but that won't help... I just don't know what will...
Feeling kinda lost.
That is all.
</ramble>
I'm sorry guys, i love you all so much, please never forget that. I can't do this anymore. There's no point. I'm never going to be anything more than a loser amongst thousands of other losers.
Forgive me for my cowardice. Stay brave, i know you can even if i can't.
Sorry.
"Skateboarding in wellies, another bright idea brought to you by the Makro team!"
XD I do love the people i work with sometimes.. I am totally nackered out though, i seriously don't know whether my brain and body can handle all this... I had to come home early from school today because i was just so exhausted it was making me feel physically sick. I was shaking so much while i was at the bus stop an old guy who was sitting there with me asked me if i wanted to wear his coat XD bless him.. But i wasn't cold, i just couldn't stop shaking.. I went home and had a sleep, and i felt a bit better so i went to work... Had a laugh with some of the guys there (once again i seem to get on better with the men than the women *facepalm*) and i do feel a little better now.. But because of my nap this afternoon i don't really feel like it's time to sleep, even though i know it is... I've been watching Dirty Sanchez for the last hour so i know full well that it's my fault that i'm so tired... Oh well, bed now.
In other news, Viper is coming to stay with me in a month and a bit, so i'm like 'eanhovenwaiof
Me: Mum, how would you feel about Viper staying here for a week?
Mum: He's sleeping in your room, i won't have him on the couch.
Me: ...Is that a yes?
Mum: As long as he's nice to the dog and your brother, i don't care.
Dad: He likes alcohol doesn't he? He'll fit in fine here..
Me: *o.O*
So yeah.. That's my news for the day, i'm off to bed now..
</ramble>
My mum just cheered me up and worried me at the same time... We were talking about how i want to decorate my room, and we decided to do it either ancient Japanese (with proper wall scrolls, bamboo flooring, paper lanterns and a fouton instead of a bed), Medieval (stone-lino floor, four poster bed, heavy old wooden furniture) OR Vampire. Now vampire was my favourite idea. Brackets on the walls, a massive chandelier, red velvet everywhere and spooky sepia portraits on the walls. But. This is the crazy part. My mum agreed that if we go for vampire-theme, she'll let me have a coffin as a bed. I was like 'wtf'. She actually suggested it. She goes "they're selling coffins on ebay for £150, you could have one as a bed and line it with velvet and stuff." ...I just went *o.O* ..I really worry sometimes..
How weird would it be to sleep in a coffin?!
My mother is insane...
I'm going to bed now.
</ramble>
Note: Bed, not coffin
Tired... So tired i feel like i'm going to die... I fell asleep on the bus on the way home, i was nodding off in work... I'm so exhausted all the time recently, i just can't handle all this anymore... All i ever seem to do is school, work, school, work... It's starting to get me down *yaaaaaaaaaaaa
Oh well, doctors on friday and then hopefully i'll find out what the hell is wrong. They've run enough fucking tests, they should have bloody well worked it out by now. All i know is there's a possibility that i'm showing the first signs of schizophrenia. Oh yay. They said this 3 years ago too, i went through a shit load of hypnotherapy and it seemed to die down or dissapear or something.. and now it's come up again ¬___¬ so naturally i'm bricking it because if i actually do have that then it's an uncurable mental illness and it's seriously going to make life difficult (moreso than it already is) in the future... Whatever.. There you go, y'all know yet another thing about me that i didn't want to tell anyone.. Feel free to start chucking tomatoes and shit, Beki is a freaking mental case =___= i feel like curling up in a ball in my bed and crying and never coming out again, but that's just not going to solve anything...
In other news, next weekend me and Josh will be 'celebrating' our 5 month anniversary. I don't know whether to be happy or cry.
'Water Jungle' is the funniest thing i've heard all month. "Uh.. I meant rain forest.." ...drunk people make me laugh =] almost enough to cheer me up. Not quite though.
Going into Chester with Amz tomorrow. I need to let a load off so that should be a good opportunity to just chillax and have a laugh. Her gas mask finally arrived.
Other than that i pretty much feel crap at the moment. I'm going to murder the fucking doctors if they haven't got any results for me this time. Every time i go back it just seems to be more tests... Jesus christ...
That's all i have to say, i'm going to die of exhaustion if i don't sleep in a minute.
Night all.
</ramble>
Well i now feel very motivated indeed! I have lots of animals to draw for lots of awesome people, so i'm happy =] due to the fact that i now actually have something to draw, and i'm not just doodling, i feel like i'm achieving something! yay X3 Off to RP now and put the whole Thornography album onto my phone XD turrah!
</miniramble>
I NEED YOUR HELP GUYZ!!!!!!!!!!
OK D00DZ!!!! I have just this second established something. These last couple of years i have been obsessively trying to improve my drawing ability, drawing constantly, and as a result i think it's safe to say i have made a massive improvement in my ability to draw people... HOWEVER. My ability to draw ANIMALS is... lacking slightly... SO. Here is a proposition to all you friends (or anyone else) out there who may be reading this. Give me an animal, any animal, and i'll try and draw it in my style. You can choose colours and markings and a name if you wish, or you can just yell something like 'ZEBRA!!!' at me, and i'll draw it! I'll even draw you as an animal of your choice if that's what you want, i just desperately need animal drawing practice!!! Drop me a message if you feel like motivating a very un-motivated artist to practice drawing animals XD
Thankies! X3
</ramblement>
Just one last thing, it made me laugh.
"American's are always like 'Oooh, you must know the royal family.. Do you know the Queen?'... Yes, yes i do actually, she's my mother." XD XD Bless X3
That is all.
</random>
Ok... Well i feel ALOT better now. I was skulking around in work glaring at anything that moved and nearly in tears most of the time.. Then i went on a half an hour break because i had nothing to do and the store was closed so it was pretty much dead.. And i ended up sitting with Cal and having a long talk to him.. It started casual enough, then he asked me why i looked so upset, and i ended up spilling all, and crying again. Michelle came up and she was like 'look, stay up here, talk it out with Cal, i'll do clothing' so i have a new-found respect for her and i will never call her an evil bitch again XD So i talked to Cal, and Cal talked back :p He was so sweet, and basically told me to stop beating myself up over something so trivial. He said the people at school probably don't hate me for how bitchy i've been, and my real friends will understand that it's because i've been stressed and confused. The stuff people have been saying, about me changing.. They're not bitching about me, they're just concerned that i'm turning into something i'm not, and that i should be flattered that they care enough to notice that there's actually something wrong. Then he said the sweetest thing ever and i literally threw myself across the table and hugged him. He went: "You should tell him about what happened with this other guy.. Apologise, let him know why it happened. He'd be mad to leave a girl like you anyway, you're one of a kind.' and i just went OMFGCALTHANKYO
So. Panic over, i'm going to school tomorrow and i'm going to stop being so stupid. And the stuff people have been saying about Amz changing me... It's all bullshit, it's got nothing to do with Amy, i've just been in a foul mood for 2 weeks.. I'm back to the same old Beki now, no worries ^__^
</ramble>
*sigh* oookaaaaay. I have had a crazy two days. Yesterday, i had a long talk with Josh. I ended up crying my eyes out and yelling at him and basically kicking up a huge fuss. I tried to tell him everything i've been wanting to say, all the stuff about how i've been so stressed out recently and i've been having migraines every day, plus all the stuff about him needing to grow up a bit.. I think i got it all out, garbled though it was, and i realised that i've been lying to myself. I do need him, more than i realised i did, and one of the reasons i've been so snappy and bad tempered the last week was because i missed him not because i hated his guts. I can't believe how stupid and drama-queen-is
Don't know if i'm going to school tomorrow. Don't know if i'll ever go back actually, after some of the stuff thats been said about me there. My counsellor said i might be better taking a year out and doing my A levels later on. I think he's right, i can't handle this anymore.
I hate myself right now.
I'm going to work.
</ramble>
I had such a laugh with Courtz today XD It was seriously so hilarious.. First we found the stereo that plays music through the whole store, and we accidentally put it into hyper-speed so Hips Don't Lie was playing at like a million miles an hour and me and Courtz were dancing like spacs and giggling hysterically XD It was so funny.. Then we were sneakily eating skips while we were sorting out the socks, and the big store manager came along and we were like "We found these under the socks.. Disgraceful! *hides Skips*" XD and when we went on our break we started forraging around under the machines and found about £2 under there, which we then spent on hot chocolate and brownies that we didn't even want, and we decided that we were having a 45 minute break instead of 15 XD THEN when we were leaving we started discussing Texas and the strong texan accent, and we were trying to think of a name that you can say with that accent which doesn't sound right.
Me: (in Texan Accent) ABDALLAH! ..No that works...
Guy: Wtf are you two doing.
Me: (texan!) ABDALLA!!!
Courtz: What's your name then?
Guy: Um.. Cal..
Me+Courtz: (texan again) CAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Cal: *o.O*
XD It was so amusing.. So basically i love work.
Today in school Josh came to talk to me. Well rather he came and hugged me out of the blue and i was like "ARGH, GTFO!!" XD which was really amusing.. Then he started talking, and i just tuned it all out because mark was throwing skittles at me and i was trying so hard not to laugh. I think at the moment i'm still with Josh, but i'm not sure if i want to be. He owes me money and presents though... XD superficial or what... I dunno, i'll see how things go now i'm actually speaking to him again. If i find that i hate his guts, then i'll leave him.. I'd quite like to be single for Cal's anyway. There'll prolly be some cute single guys there... Meh, whatever.
I'm done now. All cheerful and grinny after a good night at work ^____^
That is all.
</ramble>
Ok, i know i sound like an obsessed moron, but Dani has had his hair cut off D8 he's not allowed to do that...
Erm.. There was a point to this diary, but i can't remember what it is.. I still don't know what to do about Josh.. I've discussed it with a couple of people, but i still haven't come to any sort of conclusion.. I think i want to break up with him, but i don't know whether now is the right time, simply because i'll see him all the time so i'll probably end up getting back with him anyway.. Might leave it till half term like i originally said i would, but then i feel like i'm leading him on.. GAH. I hate men. They make my head go funny @__@ The important thing is that it doesn't end messy and horrible like when i broke up with Walker... As annoying as Josh is, he's a good friend and i dont want to lose him as a friend.. I think i just want to lose him as a boyfriend.. And now i'm crying ¬___¬ I'm going to bed, before i drown myself..
</ramble>
Urrrgh... I was in such a vile mood at work tonight, and it's all over Josh for fucks sake.. I don't know what to do about him.. Part of me wants to be with him, and part of me thinks that [imperfectionist] is right and that i'm only with him because i like the security of a relationship, not because i like him. The latter is winning out at the moment. I sent him a really obnoxious and bitchy text at work, just because i was in such a foul mood, then i felt really guilty about it.. Then i got angry with myself for feeling guilty, so i text a bunch of people just for someone to talk to and to take my mind off how angry and upset i was.. But not even 1 person replied and i was getting slowly more and more frustrated.. so i was sat there nearly in tears and Courtz asked me what was up and i snapped at her at first.. Then i felt guilty for that so i pulled myself together and told her what's been happening. She's easy to talk to =3 To be fair to her, she didn't mind that i'd snapped, and she tried her best to give me advice but.. Well to be honest she's only known me a month, she doesn't know Josh so there's not really that much she can say. She basically just said a decision like this is never going to be easy, but it's a decision i have to make with no background noise. So basically i have to do it on my own, because i have loads of people saying 'dump him' and loads saying 'stay with him' it's just so confusing... Instead of listening to them, i have to listen to myself.. Yeah, Courtz is good at advice XD
Apart from all that drama i feel ok now, but totally drained.. I feel like i bloody live in Makro.. Oh well, i had a word with Jenny today and they're going to cut thursdays out of my rota completely (hopefully!), so if they can, as of next week i'll be on 2 day weeks and alternate weekends. YAY!
I'm off to watch that Dani Filth video again now before bed.. I want to dream about him XD
That is all.
</ramble>
OMG OMG OMG!! I have found the episode of never mind the buzzcocks with Dani Filth on it!!! I FORGOT HOW GODDAMN SEXY THAT MAN IS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Presenter: So what do you think links those two together?
Dani: ...Could it be that pink line down the middle?
X3 so cuuuuuuuuuuuuu
I also found a big collab video of him.. Gah omg he seems like he's so much fun to be around.. He has a freaking skeleton set into the floor in his kitchen. So cool OAO ..And him on helium = funniest sound ever X3
</short obsessive ramble>
I have to go to bed now because i've eaten my cheese. I'm going to stop diary whoring. Night all <3
</not even worth putting anything in here thing>
I have just this second decided to do a psychology experiment this week, whether Mr. Rhind likes it or not.. I'm going to test the theory that eating cheese before you go to bed gives you nightmares.. Easy enough to do. I'll eat cheese every night before bed this week, and record the results in my dream journal. If i don't dream at all this week, then either my nightmares are so terrible that my mind forces me to forget them, or i'm just unlucky and i don't remember stuff when i need to XD
That is all.
</miniramble>
Argh, i got out-sniped on the Yellow manga >_< Then i had a tantrum and tracked down another manga that the sniper was bidding on, and out-sniped them on that XD So now i have a completely random yaoi manga that i didn't even want in the first place o.O Oh well... PRESENTS TOMORROW!!! I know what they are but.. I DON'T CARE! It's the fun of opening stuff X3
I'm being a hyperactive diary whore now >_>
Man talk about retail therapy.. I've been shopping like a maniac on Ebay recently, and i'm dead excited because most of what i've bought it coming tomorrow and it'll be like christmas all over again opening all those packeges X3 I'm watching an auction for the Yellow manga boxset at the moment.. I haven't bid yet, but 3 people are bidding like crazy and my plan is to snipe them in the last 10 seconds using my usual trick XD Oh dear, i'm becoming an Ebay addict *smack* It's only another £15 and then i PROMISE i'll stop buying stuff.. It just makes me feel better for some reason XD
That's all i had to say really.. Work was ok today, went a bit slower than yesterday but meh.. I'm getting used to it XD
That is all.
</ramble>