Went to chester today with [imperfectionist], Ruth and Josh. We had a right laugh =] i can't be bothered rambling about it now, i might do it tomorrow after work if i feel like it... Working lates all weekend, really cba ¬___¬ 8 1/2 hour shifts... Do not want D8
On the other hand, i'm only working two days next week and the rest is FREEEEEEEEE!!! X3 Apart from thursday when i'm seeing my counsellor again.. bleh..
Josh got me a really nice corset for valentines day =3 so i bought him a new piercing XD that's 10 now o.O
Ruth is LEGEND. The things she comes out with... LOL. That's all i have to say XD
I have £500 of my wages left for this month. I intend to stay away from ebay with it.
I bought Cooking Mama for the Wii today and i'm addicted to it. Makes me hungry XD
I feel sick now =/
That is all.
</pointless>
Nyaaaah, i really cba with work today... I'm tired, which is completely unjustified considering i had like 12 hours sleep last night... Buuut that doesn't change the fact that i'm utterly exhausted >.< and i have to help train a new girl today and i really don't feel like being nice and sociable and friendly ¬____¬ in fact i feel alot like hitting someone and i'm not sure where this foul mood's come from... I'm just glad i'm with Louise tonight, it means i get to stay behind jewellery 'till 8:30 then just spend and hour and a half closing down... Half an hour with Louise and new girl Lesley, and then an hour of blissful alone-ness to get the last of the cleaning done (i wasn't being sarcastic then, i actually love my last hour when i'm on my own until 10, it's peaceful). So. It might not be so bad i guess. Just so long as i don't get any pain in the ass customers on tobacco or any panicked last-minute-va
I'm going to get ready now.
That is all.
</rant>
Bleh... I forgot that i don't like valentine's day ¬___¬ It occured to me when i was sitting in the hair dressers this morning and some guy came and gave a bunch of flowers to Becky (one of the beauticians).. I was just like "You know what, i really don't like valentines day..." XD Lisa was laughing because we'd just been talking about what she'd got her boyfriend and what she was doing, and then i came out with that <.< >.> so i'm staying cooped up in the house today because i can't be doing with valentines stuff.. I'm quite glad i'm working tonight, at least it gives me an excuse to avoid Josh for a day XD
I feel better today, but still very shaky and like i'm going to throw up... I think i'm getting out of the stage where i can drink enough to get the Russian army drunk, go to bed for 2 hours and then get up the next morning feeling fine. Oh dear...
Erm.. I feel like eating scallops for no reason whatsoever... I have nothing useful to say now, i'm just rambling for lack of anything better to do... My teeth hurt ¬___¬ ...i want to eaaaaaaaaaat something but i can't be bothered going downstairs and cooking... I might have some noodles... yeah, noodles... i'm off to do cooking now!!! 8D~
That is all.
</ramble>
Oh i almost forgot! Happy Valentines day everyone! :p <333 Much love to you all! *huggles*
OMFG. I got SO drunk last night, seriously, it's not even funny. It's now 3am and i still feel a bit shakey. I haven't been that drunk EVER. I have no idea what's wrong with me recently, i can't handle alcohol at all! I used to be SUCH a heavy drinker.. I mean, think about Bloodstock. I was there, drinking heavily, spirits beer and cider for 4 days straight with barely any food... I didn't throw up once. Granted i took 3 E's, passed out 7 times and nearly died in the medics van without even realising what a state i was in, but i didn't throw up! One of my quotes of bloodstock "Hello floor! Do you have coffee??" XD but i'm getting off track... Last night i drank just over half a bottle of 13.5% wine and some beer. That should have done nothing to me at all, instead i threw up. Not just once either. I threw up outside the bowling place, inside the bowling place (made a nice mess on their carpet, haha), and about 3 times in the toilets of the bowling place. Then twice on the way home out the car window. I could barely walk and i just fell into bed the minute i got home and slept for 8 hours straight (that's right, i was this drunk at 7pm ¬.¬) and i have NO idea what happened or why i got so drunk off so little alcohol. Wine is obviously a bad drink for me to drink and is going on my list of 'never touch this again' along with gin XD
Although, on the car journey home..
Me: Mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum...
Mum: What?!
Me: I'm becoming a light drinker in my old age...
Mum: ...You're 17, you shouldn't be any kind of drinker *XD*
Me: ...I MEAN IT!!! *throws up*
Perfect example of a Lee Evans drunk XD XD That almost made up for all the idiocy. We got thrown out of Toys R Us aswell because i was riding round on one of their pink ponies and being generally hysterical. Oh dear, i don't care if i got drunk, i had fun XD
But seriously, i'm joining [Lexi. Short and Sweet!] and not drinking for lent... I know i'm late but, this kind of tomfoolery can't be good for me at this age!!! So no more alcohol. Only tea.
That is all.
</ramble>
I just won £50 with premium bonds XD XD Aaah man, i've been lucky recently, good stuff keeps happening. This gives me an intense sense of forboding, because usually when lots of good things happen to me, something really really bad happens too, just to make up for it. So i am now officially paranoid. Off to work then XD
That is all.
</spam>
I think i tried to start a ramble in here about Cal's before, but i got bored and wandered off... Fail... I can't be bothered talking about it now, all i will say was that it was A-MAZING!!! And i want another party now X3
That is all.
</pointless>
WHY AM I NOT TIRED AT 2AM?!?!?!?!
I seriously need to sort my sleeping patterns out.. They're going warped again since i haven't been in work and school.. I can't help it, i'm a naturally nocturnal person D8
I'm going to bed now so i'm actually alive for Cal's tomorrow.
</spam>
Oh LOL. Naruto is just getting funnier and funnier.. Dear me. I'm not going to put any major spoilers in here... But Itachi is about to turn into or summon 'Amaterasu'.. Now to me that is a wolf god with a spinning plate that's on fire on it's back and an annoying bug living in it's ear. Seeing Itachi summon or become that will be the funniest thing in the world.
Aaanyway, back to sanity, i'm feeling ALOT better today. Had my hair done and i'm getting it dyed on Tuesday (changed the date because i'm going to a Captain Jack Harkness thingy on Thursday *dies of excitement*) soo... yeah, feeling alot better in myself. Got a few more sketches for requests done, now just the agonisingly slow job of inking and colouring them all XD Ah well, it's fun and good practice... The stupid thing is, i'm still doing all the inking and colouring with a mouse, i haven't touched my tablet XD I'm just so used to using a mouse i can't break the habit.. Oh well!
That is all.
</ramble>
Got started on my requests today. It's making me feel better and giving me something to do, and i feel super motivated at the moment for some reason XD Which means i'm likely to be up all night drawing ¬___¬ I've got photoshop 7 now instead of crappy old elements, which means i can actually do nice, clean, crisp line art. This makes me happy. Although, the method i'm using takes forever D8 i wish there was an auto-lineart button XD
Anyway. That's all i really had to say...
</miniramble>
I've been at the retail therapy again, and i don't even have that much money at the moment.. My gran gave me £20 the other day for no apparent reason, so mum stuck it in the bank for me and i've pretty much spent it already... Ebay *shakes head* i should be banned from it, seriously. I bought Cradle of Fear on DVD because i've had the urge to buy it for ages, and a pair of mini handcuffs to go on my keyring, because I THOUGHT THEY WERE CUTE DAMMIT!!!
I should never, ever be allowed on Ebay again. Ever. Next paycheck comes through in a week. I WILL NOT SPEND ANY OF IT ON EBAY. This is my vow to myself. Unless i see something i really REALLY want and need. Not something random and weird, like thigh high vinyl boots or a white dread fall *face/desk* fo srsly... Me + £800 + internet access = BAD IDEA.
I think i might stick most of my next pay into my savings account, where i won't be able to access it no matter how much i want that random thing off Ebay...
Play Weird Al's Ebay song right now. That's me all over. Sadly.
That is all.
</ramble>
Feeling a little better today... Dug up all the old Bloodstock photo's and put them up here, i can't believe i forgot to upload them here XD What a doris... Erm.. I've been drawing all morning, because i don't really feel like cleaning today, since i spent all day yesterday cleaning.. Gonna go for a long walk with my dawg in a bit.. Then do some drawing or something, art coursework possibly...
That's all i had to say really...
</miniramble>
Augh.. Can't get on to hotmail.. really annoying as Isaac just text me telling me to check my email, and now i can't because hotmail is being retarded *kicks computer* Why is it when one thing goes wrong everything else decides that it's going to fail too? I swear everything in this house is trying to spite me at the moment =___=
Feh. I give up, i'm going to bed ¬___¬
Hrrm... Down day today... The doctor rang to confirm when i'm seeing the therapist, and i'm down as suffering from severe depression and anxiety... I've been cleaning like a mad thing all day, because for some reason it makes me feel better to throw out everything i can lay my hands on that reminds me of how i used to be. I think i need a whole fresh start really... I've been tearful all day today... I hate to admit it, but this whole experience has really hit me hard. I try to laugh it off with my friends, but inside i feel like i'm rotting... Of course i'm not going to be over it super fast, but i wasn't expecting to feel this dead inside either. Well to be honest i don't know what i was expecting when i came out of the hospital, but... I dunno, i was hoping things might change for the better, but it just seems to have gone back to same old same old, which was exactly what i was trying to escape from when i took those fucking pills... Sorry, i'm getting all stress headed again, i just don't know which way to turn now... I can't stay downstairs on my own because i'm always tempted to go into my dad's drug supply and take some of them, which is just evidence that everything is most certainly not ok with me. I feel like a totally different person sometimes, like i'm not in control of myself anymore, and i can't even explain why i do things... The worst part is, i don't feel any remorse or guilt for what i did. Does that mean it was the right thing to do all along? I don't know, i feel like my head has gone through a blender and despite the fact that i've been venting to my friends insanely the last couple of days, i don't feel like i've said anything at all... It's hard to describe.. I feel like a bomb basically. Out of control, and one little thing could set me off... It's terrifying... I just can't wait to start this counselling and get my life back on track...
Everything isn't fine. I'm hurting more than i care to say, and everything around me just seems to hurt me more... I want to hole myself up and never go out again, but that won't help... I just don't know what will...
Feeling kinda lost.
That is all.
</ramble>
I'm sorry guys, i love you all so much, please never forget that. I can't do this anymore. There's no point. I'm never going to be anything more than a loser amongst thousands of other losers.
Forgive me for my cowardice. Stay brave, i know you can even if i can't.
Sorry.
"Skateboarding in wellies, another bright idea brought to you by the Makro team!"
XD I do love the people i work with sometimes.. I am totally nackered out though, i seriously don't know whether my brain and body can handle all this... I had to come home early from school today because i was just so exhausted it was making me feel physically sick. I was shaking so much while i was at the bus stop an old guy who was sitting there with me asked me if i wanted to wear his coat XD bless him.. But i wasn't cold, i just couldn't stop shaking.. I went home and had a sleep, and i felt a bit better so i went to work... Had a laugh with some of the guys there (once again i seem to get on better with the men than the women *facepalm*) and i do feel a little better now.. But because of my nap this afternoon i don't really feel like it's time to sleep, even though i know it is... I've been watching Dirty Sanchez for the last hour so i know full well that it's my fault that i'm so tired... Oh well, bed now.
In other news, Viper is coming to stay with me in a month and a bit, so i'm like 'eanhovenwaiof
Me: Mum, how would you feel about Viper staying here for a week?
Mum: He's sleeping in your room, i won't have him on the couch.
Me: ...Is that a yes?
Mum: As long as he's nice to the dog and your brother, i don't care.
Dad: He likes alcohol doesn't he? He'll fit in fine here..
Me: *o.O*
So yeah.. That's my news for the day, i'm off to bed now..
</ramble>
My mum just cheered me up and worried me at the same time... We were talking about how i want to decorate my room, and we decided to do it either ancient Japanese (with proper wall scrolls, bamboo flooring, paper lanterns and a fouton instead of a bed), Medieval (stone-lino floor, four poster bed, heavy old wooden furniture) OR Vampire. Now vampire was my favourite idea. Brackets on the walls, a massive chandelier, red velvet everywhere and spooky sepia portraits on the walls. But. This is the crazy part. My mum agreed that if we go for vampire-theme, she'll let me have a coffin as a bed. I was like 'wtf'. She actually suggested it. She goes "they're selling coffins on ebay for £150, you could have one as a bed and line it with velvet and stuff." ...I just went *o.O* ..I really worry sometimes..
How weird would it be to sleep in a coffin?!
My mother is insane...
I'm going to bed now.
</ramble>
Note: Bed, not coffin
Tired... So tired i feel like i'm going to die... I fell asleep on the bus on the way home, i was nodding off in work... I'm so exhausted all the time recently, i just can't handle all this anymore... All i ever seem to do is school, work, school, work... It's starting to get me down *yaaaaaaaaaaaa
Oh well, doctors on friday and then hopefully i'll find out what the hell is wrong. They've run enough fucking tests, they should have bloody well worked it out by now. All i know is there's a possibility that i'm showing the first signs of schizophrenia. Oh yay. They said this 3 years ago too, i went through a shit load of hypnotherapy and it seemed to die down or dissapear or something.. and now it's come up again ¬___¬ so naturally i'm bricking it because if i actually do have that then it's an uncurable mental illness and it's seriously going to make life difficult (moreso than it already is) in the future... Whatever.. There you go, y'all know yet another thing about me that i didn't want to tell anyone.. Feel free to start chucking tomatoes and shit, Beki is a freaking mental case =___= i feel like curling up in a ball in my bed and crying and never coming out again, but that's just not going to solve anything...
In other news, next weekend me and Josh will be 'celebrating' our 5 month anniversary. I don't know whether to be happy or cry.
'Water Jungle' is the funniest thing i've heard all month. "Uh.. I meant rain forest.." ...drunk people make me laugh =] almost enough to cheer me up. Not quite though.
Going into Chester with Amz tomorrow. I need to let a load off so that should be a good opportunity to just chillax and have a laugh. Her gas mask finally arrived.
Other than that i pretty much feel crap at the moment. I'm going to murder the fucking doctors if they haven't got any results for me this time. Every time i go back it just seems to be more tests... Jesus christ...
That's all i have to say, i'm going to die of exhaustion if i don't sleep in a minute.
Night all.
</ramble>
Well i now feel very motivated indeed! I have lots of animals to draw for lots of awesome people, so i'm happy =] due to the fact that i now actually have something to draw, and i'm not just doodling, i feel like i'm achieving something! yay X3 Off to RP now and put the whole Thornography album onto my phone XD turrah!
</miniramble>