One last thing...

It's sad isn't it? This diary knows me better than all my friends put together. This diary knows the innermost workings of my heart and soul, all the secret entries i put in here pouring out my deepest darkets thoughts and feelings and hatred... Ironic that the only person who really knows me is in fact myself. And i hate myself.

Self esteem minus 5.

Ha. Funny.

JREOWAIGHNRPOEIA[WFMRIO[WTHYROIWAEMVREYGT >.< I'm so angry!!! All the sadness and angst from before has transformed itself into downright rage and i need to vent somewhere or i'm going to smash up this fucking room.. I have no idea where this has come from. I really don't. I'm just furious with everyone, i hate everyone, and right now i want to take my nan up on her offer and go and live down there with her for a few months. I feel so cheated, and alone, and... paranoid. Unusually paranoid. I'm never paranoid, not really, i don't care all that much what people are saying about me or thinking about me... But recently it feels like everyone's smiling to my face and grimacing behind my back. It's like i have no real friends, they're just my friends because they pity me. 'Ooooh the poor, sad, depressed girl, we have to be her friend just so she doesn't feel like the lonely little fucker that she is. Don't worry though, she'll fucking die soon and we can all carry on with our lives as normal.' JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. I'm almost 100% sure that all my friends are against me at the moment, my boyfriend doesn't even like me, he has feelings for someone else, he's fucking using me i know it, and everyone else is my friend because they feel sorry for me... Just like normal... I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT!!! But most of all i hate myself. I hate who i am, i hate the fact that no matter how hard i try i can't seem to change myself, i hate the fact that i think one thing and say something else, i hate the fact that i can't tell the people i love how much they really mean to me, i hate the fact that not one living person on this planet has ever really met me!!!!! They've met a mask, an artificial me covering up the sad, scared person underneath. I HATE IT. HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE it's such a strong word isn't it... A strong word to support a very weak person. Fuck life, fuck everything. I'm going to bed and i hope i never fucking wake up. 

Still in a foul mood. Couldn't stop crying before... Josh asked me to go to Pentre with him, but i don't really want to see anyone right now. Don't know about school anymore. I think i just want to curl up in my room and never come out again. Can't be arsed with anything anymore... I think i might just go to bed and hope i miss the bus in the morning so i can stay home. I don't feel like i want to see anyone ever again...

Sometimes i think Joe was right... Humans are meant to live alone and die young... Whatever... I'm going...

</pointless>

Bleh... I just stuck a 5mm in my ear because i couldn't be bothered waiting for the 2mm to heal... Dammit it hurt more than i was expecting! Those 3 extra mm are more painful than you think!! ...Oh well, only 5 more to go and then i'll have it where i want it.. Actually, i want to go to a 12mm in one ear now coz i saw a really nice plug in Lee Louise and i want it, but it's a 12 >.< Oh well, i'll go to a 12 then.. But yeah, now i see why people make a fuss about it when you don't go up in ones.. it does hurt. Not as much as i was expecting, but it hurts.

I woke up in such a foul mood today.. I stayed over at Gemma's and we went to bed at about 12, but i don't think i slept very well because i'm soooo tired... I got up, i had a headache and i was nearly in tears for no real reason, and i just thought 'fuck it, there's no way i'm going to school in this mood' so i bogged off into Chester so i could get the 5 for my ear... Home now because i couldn't be bothered staying in Chester long and i have to see this bastard counsellor at 4 anyway... She'd better be nice or i'll probably bite her head off, i'm still in a snappy horrible mood...

I'm going into school tomorrow, prolly end up doing art all day again XD Meh... I had nothing else to say really... MY EAR BLOODY HURTS. And me and Topher decided that female vampires don't get periods, but male vampires have permanent erections, which is why they wear big capes to cover up the trouser tent XD

That is all.

</ramble>

Zomg I had such a lolly laugh at work tonight! We were skiving so much, we pretty much did no work at all so I’m kinda glad I’m off for the next 5 days so Linz can blame someone else XD But seriously.. LOL. Me and Courtz were messing around on jewellery doing ‘the Sue dance’ and being generally hysterical, when new-ish guy Dan came down to talk to us. He’s alright I suppose, a bit arrogant and cocky but whatever… Then Cal appeared and decided he was helping on jewellery, and Jack and Harry joined in too so we had a right little group of idiots XD And Nic was supervisor so she didn’t care that we were all mucking about XD (good job it wasn’t Linda-manly or we’d all be dead by now XD) Me and Courtz were taking the mick out of ‘swear-man’ (nicknamed this because he swears A LOT) because he sneezed weirdly and we were doing ‘swear sneezes’ going ‘ah-FUCK. ah-SHIT. ah, ah, ah, AH-BOLLOCKSSHITFUCK!!!!!!’ XD then some guy appeared and announced that it was his birthday and that we were all going to the pub. Which was awesome! So we went to the pub, and I had a few wines and someone decided that my new name is Doreen Piss Head (I have no clue why XD). Cal stretched my ear for me too, which didn’t hurt nearly as much as I was expecting it to XD It just got hot, and then he put beer on it going ‘ALCOHOL IS A PAINKILLER DOREEN!!!!’ which was the funniest thing I’ve ever heard XD ..It really didn’t hurt at all though, I don’t know what all the fuss was about XD It’s a bit throbby and sore now but.. Meh, nothing I can’t handle.. I just hope it doesn’t fall out while I’m asleep cuz I’ll have to bloody do it again tomorrow XD ARSED!!!

Erm.. That’s all I had to say… My mum had a right go at me over my ear, and about going to the pub on a school night, and she’s doing her whole moody ass routine again…

Mum: Don’t bother coming home tomorrow!!
Me: I’m not, duh… I’m going to Gemma’s tomorrow, remember?
Mum: You were supposed to be coming home!
Me: …Uh, you just told me not to come home…
Mum: That’s not the point!
Me: Mum you’re contradicting yourself, I’m going to bed.
Mum: At least I don’t have a bloody spike in my ear!!!
Me: *o.O* wtf…

XD that amused me… Anyway, I’m going to bed now. I’m tired!

</ramble>


...One last thing that came up at the pub tonight...

DO FEMALE VAMPIRES HAVE PERIODS?!?!?!

I lied. I just bought seasons 1-4 of Digimon, all the Digimon movies and an ORLY hat.

I phail so much XD

</spam>

Went to chester today with [imperfectionist], Ruth and Josh. We had a right laugh =] i can't be bothered rambling about it now, i might do it tomorrow after work if i feel like it... Working lates all weekend, really cba ¬___¬ 8 1/2 hour shifts... Do not want D8

On the other hand, i'm only working two days next week and the rest is FREEEEEEEEE!!! X3 Apart from thursday when i'm seeing my counsellor again.. bleh..

Josh got me a really nice corset for valentines day =3 so i bought him a new piercing XD that's 10 now o.O

Ruth is LEGEND. The things she comes out with... LOL. That's all i have to say XD 

I have £500 of my wages left for this month. I intend to stay away from ebay with it.

I bought Cooking Mama for the Wii today and i'm addicted to it. Makes me hungry XD

I feel sick now =/

That is all.

</pointless>

Nyaaaah, i really cba with work today... I'm tired, which is completely unjustified considering i had like 12 hours sleep last night... Buuut that doesn't change the fact that i'm utterly exhausted >.< and i have to help train a new girl today and i really don't feel like being nice and sociable and friendly ¬____¬ in fact i feel alot like hitting someone and i'm not sure where this foul mood's come from... I'm just glad i'm with Louise tonight, it means i get to stay behind jewellery 'till 8:30 then just spend and hour and a half closing down... Half an hour with Louise and new girl Lesley, and then an hour of blissful alone-ness to get the last of the cleaning done (i wasn't being sarcastic then, i actually love my last hour when i'm on my own until 10, it's peaceful). So. It might not be so bad i guess. Just so long as i don't get any pain in the ass customers on tobacco or any panicked last-minute-valentines-present-buying idiots on jewellery... Because i swear i'm going to lose my rag if another guy says to me "You're a girl, which ring do you like out of these 2?" ¬___¬ i just feel like saying 'not all girls think the same, idiot. You should know your bloody girlfriend better than i do!! I personally like that big chunky man-ring over there, but i doubt your girlfriend will!!!' *explodes* grrrrr... True story XD I've had so many guys going "Which one do you like?" and "Let me see what it looks like on you." and "Would you wear it?" ..I don't like any of them, it looks like a ring on me as it would if it was put on a hippo, and no i wouldn't wear it because it's gold and disgusting. Happy now??? *hyperventilates*

I'm going to get ready now.

That is all.

</rant>

Bleh... I forgot that i don't like valentine's day ¬___¬ It occured to me when i was sitting in the hair dressers this morning and some guy came and gave a bunch of flowers to Becky (one of the beauticians).. I was just like "You know what, i really don't like valentines day..." XD Lisa was laughing because we'd just been talking about what she'd got her boyfriend and what she was doing, and then i came out with that <.< >.> so i'm staying cooped up in the house today because i can't be doing with valentines stuff.. I'm quite glad i'm working tonight, at least it gives me an excuse to avoid Josh for a day XD

I feel better today, but still very shaky and like i'm going to throw up... I think i'm getting out of the stage where i can drink enough to get the Russian army drunk, go to bed for 2 hours and then get up the next morning feeling fine. Oh dear...

Erm.. I feel like eating scallops for no reason whatsoever... I have nothing useful to say now, i'm just rambling for lack of anything better to do... My teeth hurt ¬___¬ ...i want to eaaaaaaaaaat something but i can't be bothered going downstairs and cooking... I might have some noodles... yeah, noodles... i'm off to do cooking now!!! 8D~

That is all.

</ramble>

Oh i almost forgot! Happy Valentines day everyone! :p <333 Much love to you all! *huggles* 

OMFG. I got SO drunk last night, seriously, it's not even funny. It's now 3am and i still feel a bit shakey. I haven't been that drunk EVER. I have no idea what's wrong with me recently, i can't handle alcohol at all! I used to be SUCH a heavy drinker.. I mean, think about Bloodstock. I was there, drinking heavily, spirits beer and cider for 4 days straight with barely any food... I didn't throw up once. Granted i took 3 E's, passed out 7 times and nearly died in the medics van without even realising what a state i was in, but i didn't throw up! One of my quotes of bloodstock "Hello floor! Do you have coffee??" XD but i'm getting off track... Last night i drank just over half a bottle of 13.5% wine and some beer. That should have done nothing to me at all, instead i threw up. Not just once either. I threw up outside the bowling place, inside the bowling place (made a nice mess on their carpet, haha), and about 3 times in the toilets of the bowling place. Then twice on the way home out the car window. I could barely walk and i just fell into bed the minute i got home and slept for 8 hours straight (that's right, i was this drunk at 7pm ¬.¬) and i have NO idea what happened or why i got so drunk off so little alcohol. Wine is obviously a bad drink for me to drink and is going on my list of 'never touch this again' along with gin XD

Although, on the car journey home..

Me: Mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum...
Mum: What?!
Me: I'm becoming a light drinker in my old age...
Mum: ...You're 17, you shouldn't be any kind of drinker *XD*
Me: ...I MEAN IT!!! *throws up*

Perfect example of a Lee Evans drunk XD XD That almost made up for all the idiocy. We got thrown out of Toys R Us aswell because i was riding round on one of their pink ponies and being generally hysterical. Oh dear, i don't care if i got drunk, i had fun XD

But seriously, i'm joining [Lexi. Short and Sweet!] and not drinking for lent... I know i'm late but, this kind of tomfoolery can't be good for me at this age!!! So no more alcohol. Only tea.

That is all.

</ramble>

I just won £50 with premium bonds XD XD Aaah man, i've been lucky recently, good stuff keeps happening. This gives me an intense sense of forboding, because usually when lots of good things happen to me, something really really bad happens too, just to make up for it. So i am now officially paranoid. Off to work then XD

That is all.

</spam>

I think i tried to start a ramble in here about Cal's before, but i got bored and wandered off... Fail... I can't be bothered talking about it now, all i will say was that it was A-MAZING!!! And i want another party now X3

That is all.

</pointless>

WHY AM I NOT TIRED AT 2AM?!?!?!?!

I seriously need to sort my sleeping patterns out.. They're going warped again since i haven't been in work and school.. I can't help it, i'm a naturally nocturnal person D8

I'm going to bed now so i'm actually alive for Cal's tomorrow.

</spam>

Oh LOL. Naruto is just getting funnier and funnier.. Dear me. I'm not going to put any major spoilers in here... But Itachi is about to turn into or summon 'Amaterasu'.. Now to me that is a wolf god with a spinning plate that's on fire on it's back and an annoying bug living in it's ear. Seeing Itachi summon or become that will be the funniest thing in the world.

Aaanyway, back to sanity, i'm feeling ALOT better today. Had my hair done and i'm getting it dyed on Tuesday (changed the date because i'm going to a Captain Jack Harkness thingy on Thursday *dies of excitement*) soo... yeah, feeling alot better in myself. Got a few more sketches for requests done, now just the agonisingly slow job of inking and colouring them all XD Ah well, it's fun and good practice... The stupid thing is, i'm still doing all the inking and colouring with a mouse, i haven't touched my tablet XD I'm just so used to using a mouse i can't break the habit.. Oh well!

That is all.

</ramble>

Got started on my requests today. It's making me feel better and giving me something to do, and i feel super motivated at the moment for some reason XD Which means i'm likely to be up all night drawing ¬___¬ I've got photoshop 7 now instead of crappy old elements, which means i can actually do nice, clean, crisp line art. This makes me happy. Although, the method i'm using takes forever D8 i wish there was an auto-lineart button XD

Anyway. That's all i really had to say...

</miniramble>

I've been at the retail therapy again, and i don't even have that much money at the moment.. My gran gave me £20 the other day for no apparent reason, so mum stuck it in the bank for me and i've pretty much spent it already... Ebay *shakes head* i should be banned from it, seriously. I bought Cradle of Fear on DVD because i've had the urge to buy it for ages, and a pair of mini handcuffs to go on my keyring, because I THOUGHT THEY WERE CUTE DAMMIT!!!

I should never, ever be allowed on Ebay again. Ever. Next paycheck comes through in a week. I WILL NOT SPEND ANY OF IT ON EBAY. This is my vow to myself. Unless i see something i really REALLY want and need. Not something random and weird, like thigh high vinyl boots or a white dread fall *face/desk* fo srsly... Me + £800 + internet access = BAD IDEA.

I think i might stick most of my next pay into my savings account, where i won't be able to access it no matter how much i want that random thing off Ebay...

Play Weird Al's Ebay song right now. That's me all over. Sadly.

That is all.

</ramble>

Feeling a little better today... Dug up all the old Bloodstock photo's and put them up here, i can't believe i forgot to upload them here XD What a doris... Erm.. I've been drawing all morning, because i don't really feel like cleaning today, since i spent all day yesterday cleaning.. Gonna go for a long walk with my dawg in a bit.. Then do some drawing or something, art coursework possibly...

That's all i had to say really...

</miniramble>

Augh.. Can't get on to hotmail.. really annoying as Isaac just text me telling me to check my email, and now i can't because hotmail is being retarded *kicks computer* Why is it when one thing goes wrong everything else decides that it's going to fail too? I swear everything in this house is trying to spite me at the moment =___=

Feh. I give up, i'm going to bed ¬___¬

Hrrm... Down day today... The doctor rang to confirm when i'm seeing the therapist, and i'm down as suffering from severe depression and anxiety... I've been cleaning like a mad thing all day, because for some reason it makes me feel better to throw out everything i can lay my hands on that reminds me of how i used to be. I think i need a whole fresh start really... I've been tearful all day today... I hate to admit it, but this whole experience has really hit me hard. I try to laugh it off with my friends, but inside i feel like i'm rotting... Of course i'm not going to be over it super fast, but i wasn't expecting to feel this dead inside either. Well to be honest i don't know what i was expecting when i came out of the hospital, but... I dunno, i was hoping things might change for the better, but it just seems to have gone back to same old same old, which was exactly what i was trying to escape from when i took those fucking pills... Sorry, i'm getting all stress headed again, i just don't know which way to turn now... I can't stay downstairs on my own because i'm always tempted to go into my dad's drug supply and take some of them, which is just evidence that everything is most certainly not ok with me. I feel like a totally different person sometimes, like i'm not in control of myself anymore, and i can't even explain why i do things... The worst part is, i don't feel any remorse or guilt for what i did. Does that mean it was the right thing to do all along? I don't know, i feel like my head has gone through a blender and despite the fact that i've been venting to my friends insanely the last couple of days, i don't feel like i've said anything at all... It's hard to describe.. I feel like a bomb basically. Out of control, and one little thing could set me off... It's terrifying... I just can't wait to start this counselling and get my life back on track...

Everything isn't fine. I'm hurting more than i care to say, and everything around me just seems to hurt me more... I want to hole myself up and never go out again, but that won't help... I just don't know what will...

Feeling kinda lost.

That is all.

</ramble>