Ooooh, Anne is so lovely =] She's my counsellor, but calling her that makes it seem far too formal.. She's just a nice person who comes over to have a cup of tea and a chat. She's been so helpful already and i've only met her twice. She's made me realise that i need to stop looking at everything so negatively. All this paranoia is going to stress me out, i need to just chill and stop reading into things too much... I also need to talk to Josh, because the poor child is in a state of total head-shreddedness at the moment XD He, unlike the rest of my dear friends, has never experienced one of my big online breakdowns like the one i had last night, and so he doesn't realise that half the stuff i say when i have said breakdowns is usually just the spawn of my own paranoia and is actually just total nonesense XD

I honestly feel so much better and more positive now, i can't even see what all the fuss was about! I think i owe everyone an apology and a hug because i've been such a cretin these last few weeks. So *hug* to everyone, and i love you all dearly even if i act like i don't sometimes! I'm off to eat fishcakes and play childish games with my brother now, because it feels like so long since i've just messed around and acted like a kid! XD

That is all.

</ramble>

Hello... *sigh*... I guess i should probably explain my outburst last night... I really don't want to, to be quite honest, but i feel that i need to because it was so uncalled for and unjustified. I'm physically and mentally drained today, i have never in my life been as angry and hysterical and.. well, manic as i was last night... I just spent hours screaming and yelling at nothing, crying my eyes out, locked in my room and smashing everything i could get my hands on. I have never screamed so much before, my throat is so sore today... I screamed until i made myself ill, and eventually exhausted myself and collapsed, fell asleep on the floor. My mum rang my counsellor and today my counsellor rang me. I'm glad i have her to be honest, she's really nice and she does know what she's talking about... I talked to her for hours, just straightening things out as much as possible, and she's coming over to see me today because she's worried about me. That's nice of her...

Basically, what happened yesterday: I was in a foul mood anyway, though i'm still not sure why. Througout the day little things slowly started to piss me off and add on to the bubble of rage that i didn't realise i'd been carrying for months. It slowly built up and built up, and i started reading into EVERYTHING the wrong way, taking it as my friends and my boyfriend and my parents actually hate me, and that no one really cares about me they just see me as some kind of idiotic, mentally unstable person that they have to act nicely around. (To be honest, part of me still thinks that, but i'm pushing it to the back of my mind. I'd reather be ignorant and happy thanks) Anyway... my counsellor said i just got myself stuck in a downward spiral of paranoia, which slowly got worse and worse until my fuse snapped and i lost my temper completely.

I'm so shaken today it's unreal. Mainly because thoughts of suicide were flitting through my mind again last night, and i thought that was over after that awful hospital experience. I suppose this is just proving that my mental state isn't as stable as i thought it was... I thought i could handle anything, but i obviously can't... I can't stop shaking now, it's a combination of mental exhaustion, shame and fear... I'm ashamed of how i acted last night, but i'm also scared of it. I've never lost my temper like that, and i've never felt so alone in my life. It felt like i was being torn away from reality and life was slowly starting to break down infront of me. It felt like an acid trip to tell the honest truth.

Now i just feel sick and tired and shakey. That's one of the reasons i'm not in school today. I couldn't handle it. Maybe i wasn't ready to go back, i dunno... I still think that my friends attitudes towards me are changing because of my... I'm going to say it straight for the first time... because of my attempted suicide. I'm still pretty sure that they all look down on me now, sneer behind my back because i'm so weak. But i choose to ignore that. It could be true, it could just be this paranoia which is taking over me at the moment, but either way there's not alot i can do about it so i'll ignore it.

Pretend everything is ok, just like usual.

That is all.

</spam>

One last thing...

It's sad isn't it? This diary knows me better than all my friends put together. This diary knows the innermost workings of my heart and soul, all the secret entries i put in here pouring out my deepest darkets thoughts and feelings and hatred... Ironic that the only person who really knows me is in fact myself. And i hate myself.

Self esteem minus 5.

Ha. Funny.

JREOWAIGHNRPOEIA[WFMRIO[WTHYROIWAEMVREYGT >.< I'm so angry!!! All the sadness and angst from before has transformed itself into downright rage and i need to vent somewhere or i'm going to smash up this fucking room.. I have no idea where this has come from. I really don't. I'm just furious with everyone, i hate everyone, and right now i want to take my nan up on her offer and go and live down there with her for a few months. I feel so cheated, and alone, and... paranoid. Unusually paranoid. I'm never paranoid, not really, i don't care all that much what people are saying about me or thinking about me... But recently it feels like everyone's smiling to my face and grimacing behind my back. It's like i have no real friends, they're just my friends because they pity me. 'Ooooh the poor, sad, depressed girl, we have to be her friend just so she doesn't feel like the lonely little fucker that she is. Don't worry though, she'll fucking die soon and we can all carry on with our lives as normal.' JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. I'm almost 100% sure that all my friends are against me at the moment, my boyfriend doesn't even like me, he has feelings for someone else, he's fucking using me i know it, and everyone else is my friend because they feel sorry for me... Just like normal... I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT!!! But most of all i hate myself. I hate who i am, i hate the fact that no matter how hard i try i can't seem to change myself, i hate the fact that i think one thing and say something else, i hate the fact that i can't tell the people i love how much they really mean to me, i hate the fact that not one living person on this planet has ever really met me!!!!! They've met a mask, an artificial me covering up the sad, scared person underneath. I HATE IT. HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE it's such a strong word isn't it... A strong word to support a very weak person. Fuck life, fuck everything. I'm going to bed and i hope i never fucking wake up. 

Still in a foul mood. Couldn't stop crying before... Josh asked me to go to Pentre with him, but i don't really want to see anyone right now. Don't know about school anymore. I think i just want to curl up in my room and never come out again. Can't be arsed with anything anymore... I think i might just go to bed and hope i miss the bus in the morning so i can stay home. I don't feel like i want to see anyone ever again...

Sometimes i think Joe was right... Humans are meant to live alone and die young... Whatever... I'm going...

</pointless>

Bleh... I just stuck a 5mm in my ear because i couldn't be bothered waiting for the 2mm to heal... Dammit it hurt more than i was expecting! Those 3 extra mm are more painful than you think!! ...Oh well, only 5 more to go and then i'll have it where i want it.. Actually, i want to go to a 12mm in one ear now coz i saw a really nice plug in Lee Louise and i want it, but it's a 12 >.< Oh well, i'll go to a 12 then.. But yeah, now i see why people make a fuss about it when you don't go up in ones.. it does hurt. Not as much as i was expecting, but it hurts.

I woke up in such a foul mood today.. I stayed over at Gemma's and we went to bed at about 12, but i don't think i slept very well because i'm soooo tired... I got up, i had a headache and i was nearly in tears for no real reason, and i just thought 'fuck it, there's no way i'm going to school in this mood' so i bogged off into Chester so i could get the 5 for my ear... Home now because i couldn't be bothered staying in Chester long and i have to see this bastard counsellor at 4 anyway... She'd better be nice or i'll probably bite her head off, i'm still in a snappy horrible mood...

I'm going into school tomorrow, prolly end up doing art all day again XD Meh... I had nothing else to say really... MY EAR BLOODY HURTS. And me and Topher decided that female vampires don't get periods, but male vampires have permanent erections, which is why they wear big capes to cover up the trouser tent XD

That is all.

</ramble>

Zomg I had such a lolly laugh at work tonight! We were skiving so much, we pretty much did no work at all so I’m kinda glad I’m off for the next 5 days so Linz can blame someone else XD But seriously.. LOL. Me and Courtz were messing around on jewellery doing ‘the Sue dance’ and being generally hysterical, when new-ish guy Dan came down to talk to us. He’s alright I suppose, a bit arrogant and cocky but whatever… Then Cal appeared and decided he was helping on jewellery, and Jack and Harry joined in too so we had a right little group of idiots XD And Nic was supervisor so she didn’t care that we were all mucking about XD (good job it wasn’t Linda-manly or we’d all be dead by now XD) Me and Courtz were taking the mick out of ‘swear-man’ (nicknamed this because he swears A LOT) because he sneezed weirdly and we were doing ‘swear sneezes’ going ‘ah-FUCK. ah-SHIT. ah, ah, ah, AH-BOLLOCKSSHITFUCK!!!!!!’ XD then some guy appeared and announced that it was his birthday and that we were all going to the pub. Which was awesome! So we went to the pub, and I had a few wines and someone decided that my new name is Doreen Piss Head (I have no clue why XD). Cal stretched my ear for me too, which didn’t hurt nearly as much as I was expecting it to XD It just got hot, and then he put beer on it going ‘ALCOHOL IS A PAINKILLER DOREEN!!!!’ which was the funniest thing I’ve ever heard XD ..It really didn’t hurt at all though, I don’t know what all the fuss was about XD It’s a bit throbby and sore now but.. Meh, nothing I can’t handle.. I just hope it doesn’t fall out while I’m asleep cuz I’ll have to bloody do it again tomorrow XD ARSED!!!

Erm.. That’s all I had to say… My mum had a right go at me over my ear, and about going to the pub on a school night, and she’s doing her whole moody ass routine again…

Mum: Don’t bother coming home tomorrow!!
Me: I’m not, duh… I’m going to Gemma’s tomorrow, remember?
Mum: You were supposed to be coming home!
Me: …Uh, you just told me not to come home…
Mum: That’s not the point!
Me: Mum you’re contradicting yourself, I’m going to bed.
Mum: At least I don’t have a bloody spike in my ear!!!
Me: *o.O* wtf…

XD that amused me… Anyway, I’m going to bed now. I’m tired!

</ramble>


...One last thing that came up at the pub tonight...

DO FEMALE VAMPIRES HAVE PERIODS?!?!?!

I lied. I just bought seasons 1-4 of Digimon, all the Digimon movies and an ORLY hat.

I phail so much XD

</spam>

Went to chester today with [imperfectionist], Ruth and Josh. We had a right laugh =] i can't be bothered rambling about it now, i might do it tomorrow after work if i feel like it... Working lates all weekend, really cba ¬___¬ 8 1/2 hour shifts... Do not want D8

On the other hand, i'm only working two days next week and the rest is FREEEEEEEEE!!! X3 Apart from thursday when i'm seeing my counsellor again.. bleh..

Josh got me a really nice corset for valentines day =3 so i bought him a new piercing XD that's 10 now o.O

Ruth is LEGEND. The things she comes out with... LOL. That's all i have to say XD 

I have £500 of my wages left for this month. I intend to stay away from ebay with it.

I bought Cooking Mama for the Wii today and i'm addicted to it. Makes me hungry XD

I feel sick now =/

That is all.

</pointless>

Nyaaaah, i really cba with work today... I'm tired, which is completely unjustified considering i had like 12 hours sleep last night... Buuut that doesn't change the fact that i'm utterly exhausted >.< and i have to help train a new girl today and i really don't feel like being nice and sociable and friendly ¬____¬ in fact i feel alot like hitting someone and i'm not sure where this foul mood's come from... I'm just glad i'm with Louise tonight, it means i get to stay behind jewellery 'till 8:30 then just spend and hour and a half closing down... Half an hour with Louise and new girl Lesley, and then an hour of blissful alone-ness to get the last of the cleaning done (i wasn't being sarcastic then, i actually love my last hour when i'm on my own until 10, it's peaceful). So. It might not be so bad i guess. Just so long as i don't get any pain in the ass customers on tobacco or any panicked last-minute-valentines-present-buying idiots on jewellery... Because i swear i'm going to lose my rag if another guy says to me "You're a girl, which ring do you like out of these 2?" ¬___¬ i just feel like saying 'not all girls think the same, idiot. You should know your bloody girlfriend better than i do!! I personally like that big chunky man-ring over there, but i doubt your girlfriend will!!!' *explodes* grrrrr... True story XD I've had so many guys going "Which one do you like?" and "Let me see what it looks like on you." and "Would you wear it?" ..I don't like any of them, it looks like a ring on me as it would if it was put on a hippo, and no i wouldn't wear it because it's gold and disgusting. Happy now??? *hyperventilates*

I'm going to get ready now.

That is all.

</rant>

Bleh... I forgot that i don't like valentine's day ¬___¬ It occured to me when i was sitting in the hair dressers this morning and some guy came and gave a bunch of flowers to Becky (one of the beauticians).. I was just like "You know what, i really don't like valentines day..." XD Lisa was laughing because we'd just been talking about what she'd got her boyfriend and what she was doing, and then i came out with that <.< >.> so i'm staying cooped up in the house today because i can't be doing with valentines stuff.. I'm quite glad i'm working tonight, at least it gives me an excuse to avoid Josh for a day XD

I feel better today, but still very shaky and like i'm going to throw up... I think i'm getting out of the stage where i can drink enough to get the Russian army drunk, go to bed for 2 hours and then get up the next morning feeling fine. Oh dear...

Erm.. I feel like eating scallops for no reason whatsoever... I have nothing useful to say now, i'm just rambling for lack of anything better to do... My teeth hurt ¬___¬ ...i want to eaaaaaaaaaat something but i can't be bothered going downstairs and cooking... I might have some noodles... yeah, noodles... i'm off to do cooking now!!! 8D~

That is all.

</ramble>

Oh i almost forgot! Happy Valentines day everyone! :p <333 Much love to you all! *huggles* 

OMFG. I got SO drunk last night, seriously, it's not even funny. It's now 3am and i still feel a bit shakey. I haven't been that drunk EVER. I have no idea what's wrong with me recently, i can't handle alcohol at all! I used to be SUCH a heavy drinker.. I mean, think about Bloodstock. I was there, drinking heavily, spirits beer and cider for 4 days straight with barely any food... I didn't throw up once. Granted i took 3 E's, passed out 7 times and nearly died in the medics van without even realising what a state i was in, but i didn't throw up! One of my quotes of bloodstock "Hello floor! Do you have coffee??" XD but i'm getting off track... Last night i drank just over half a bottle of 13.5% wine and some beer. That should have done nothing to me at all, instead i threw up. Not just once either. I threw up outside the bowling place, inside the bowling place (made a nice mess on their carpet, haha), and about 3 times in the toilets of the bowling place. Then twice on the way home out the car window. I could barely walk and i just fell into bed the minute i got home and slept for 8 hours straight (that's right, i was this drunk at 7pm ¬.¬) and i have NO idea what happened or why i got so drunk off so little alcohol. Wine is obviously a bad drink for me to drink and is going on my list of 'never touch this again' along with gin XD

Although, on the car journey home..

Me: Mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum...
Mum: What?!
Me: I'm becoming a light drinker in my old age...
Mum: ...You're 17, you shouldn't be any kind of drinker *XD*
Me: ...I MEAN IT!!! *throws up*

Perfect example of a Lee Evans drunk XD XD That almost made up for all the idiocy. We got thrown out of Toys R Us aswell because i was riding round on one of their pink ponies and being generally hysterical. Oh dear, i don't care if i got drunk, i had fun XD

But seriously, i'm joining [Lexi. Short and Sweet!] and not drinking for lent... I know i'm late but, this kind of tomfoolery can't be good for me at this age!!! So no more alcohol. Only tea.

That is all.

</ramble>

I just won £50 with premium bonds XD XD Aaah man, i've been lucky recently, good stuff keeps happening. This gives me an intense sense of forboding, because usually when lots of good things happen to me, something really really bad happens too, just to make up for it. So i am now officially paranoid. Off to work then XD

That is all.

</spam>

I think i tried to start a ramble in here about Cal's before, but i got bored and wandered off... Fail... I can't be bothered talking about it now, all i will say was that it was A-MAZING!!! And i want another party now X3

That is all.

</pointless>

WHY AM I NOT TIRED AT 2AM?!?!?!?!

I seriously need to sort my sleeping patterns out.. They're going warped again since i haven't been in work and school.. I can't help it, i'm a naturally nocturnal person D8

I'm going to bed now so i'm actually alive for Cal's tomorrow.

</spam>

Oh LOL. Naruto is just getting funnier and funnier.. Dear me. I'm not going to put any major spoilers in here... But Itachi is about to turn into or summon 'Amaterasu'.. Now to me that is a wolf god with a spinning plate that's on fire on it's back and an annoying bug living in it's ear. Seeing Itachi summon or become that will be the funniest thing in the world.

Aaanyway, back to sanity, i'm feeling ALOT better today. Had my hair done and i'm getting it dyed on Tuesday (changed the date because i'm going to a Captain Jack Harkness thingy on Thursday *dies of excitement*) soo... yeah, feeling alot better in myself. Got a few more sketches for requests done, now just the agonisingly slow job of inking and colouring them all XD Ah well, it's fun and good practice... The stupid thing is, i'm still doing all the inking and colouring with a mouse, i haven't touched my tablet XD I'm just so used to using a mouse i can't break the habit.. Oh well!

That is all.

</ramble>

Got started on my requests today. It's making me feel better and giving me something to do, and i feel super motivated at the moment for some reason XD Which means i'm likely to be up all night drawing ¬___¬ I've got photoshop 7 now instead of crappy old elements, which means i can actually do nice, clean, crisp line art. This makes me happy. Although, the method i'm using takes forever D8 i wish there was an auto-lineart button XD

Anyway. That's all i really had to say...

</miniramble>

I've been at the retail therapy again, and i don't even have that much money at the moment.. My gran gave me £20 the other day for no apparent reason, so mum stuck it in the bank for me and i've pretty much spent it already... Ebay *shakes head* i should be banned from it, seriously. I bought Cradle of Fear on DVD because i've had the urge to buy it for ages, and a pair of mini handcuffs to go on my keyring, because I THOUGHT THEY WERE CUTE DAMMIT!!!

I should never, ever be allowed on Ebay again. Ever. Next paycheck comes through in a week. I WILL NOT SPEND ANY OF IT ON EBAY. This is my vow to myself. Unless i see something i really REALLY want and need. Not something random and weird, like thigh high vinyl boots or a white dread fall *face/desk* fo srsly... Me + £800 + internet access = BAD IDEA.

I think i might stick most of my next pay into my savings account, where i won't be able to access it no matter how much i want that random thing off Ebay...

Play Weird Al's Ebay song right now. That's me all over. Sadly.

That is all.

</ramble>

Feeling a little better today... Dug up all the old Bloodstock photo's and put them up here, i can't believe i forgot to upload them here XD What a doris... Erm.. I've been drawing all morning, because i don't really feel like cleaning today, since i spent all day yesterday cleaning.. Gonna go for a long walk with my dawg in a bit.. Then do some drawing or something, art coursework possibly...

That's all i had to say really...

</miniramble>