Had fun last night at Gemma's =] Had a big rant to her before Josh arrived because... Well i've been pretty badly hurt recently and it's been hanging over my head, so i ended up yelling and screaming to Gem (but not crying surprisingly, i think i'm all out of tears). But she really helped, it's nice to know there's someone there that i can collapse on and cry when i need her XD

So anyway, Josh arrived and we just messed around really, listening to music, chilling really, it was nice =] Mark was trying to get Josh to go to Central, but Josh said he'd rather stay with me, which i thought was stupid so i poked him alot, but he still wouldn't go (didn't want to leave me apparently) which was sweet of him i suppose XD we just had a proper good laugh, three close friends just hanging out and having fun. It was nice. NICE NICE NICE! I feel happy and squishy inside X3

Me and Amz had a laugh today too XD Didn't go to any lessons again, i'm thinking of dropping out anyway but, whatever.. We went and got some kinder eggs and i got a pair of proper gypo beyblades XD so we were beyblading in the park with the theme tune playing and everything it was the funniest thing ever. The competition was 'who can smack the other person in the face with their beyblade first' it was hilarious at the time, no matter how childish it sounds XD Me and Amz have decided that next weekend when i'm not working we're going to get wrecked together, because 'we're on the same wavelength when we're drunk' apparently XD so we're going for a piss up at her house, possibly go out and meet up with Cheekbones and Topher afterwards. Should be good!

So yeah, feeling better now, staying alive at least! Oh and my phone fixed itself, and i got about 50 voicemails that people have left me over the last 3-ish weeks XD really made me giggle.. So yay, phone is working again! Happy day!!

I've given up being hurt and upset about things that have been said. I've decided that i don't care anymore. I've given up caring, because it just gets you hurt in the end. I don't want to wind up a cold and heartless bitch, but to be honest i'd rather be that than a warm and caring but heartbroken person XD s'all good though, makes me feel free in a way =]

That is all.

</ramble>

My phone has officially broke D8 It won't recieve texts properly anymore, and i can't ring people, get voicemails or go on the internet to check my text usage.. Or anything really, it just won't work.. bastard thing.. it's been screwing around for ages since Cal's party really so i think i must've shaken it up then or something... Oh well, whatever. Retard machine. Got a message from my mum today that she left me 5 days ago. Confused me o.O silly machine, i dont get on with technology.

Had a laugh today. Went to Ruth's coz i couldn't be arsed with school, too many people seem to be giving me the evil eye there at the moment XD Had a laugh with ruth amz and josh.. we basically made 5 parties worth of mess, then watched a movie called Con Air, which was surprisingly good.

Work was fun too. Messed around with Courtz as usual, but it's her last week next week and i'm going to miss her! It's just more fun when she's there... And with her gone it'll be me, Dan, Harry, Jack, Cal, Luke, Rob and Matt... So yeah, me and 7 guys ¬____¬ i will feel well and truly alienated XD

I've been thinking about leaving actually. Wrote a long, rambly, tearful entry in my hand-written journal and i dunno really... I'm just getting sick of this place. Same old routine, same old people, same old school, same old job, same old dramas... Life just seems to be getting more and more meaningless and i dont want to think like that when i know i have so much to live for... Might go and try and seek out my old stoner friends in London and see how they're doing... I could always stay with my nan down there, she's always said i can if i need to. Meh...

Oh my giddy aunt, in work today, Dan was being such a tard...

Me: *chatting to Cal (as you do)*
Dan: Oi you, stop flirting.
Cal: Eh?
Dan: That's my girlfriend.
Me: Excuse me? Don't i get a say in this?
Dan: No. You'll be getting a whipping when we get home.
Me: O rly??
Dan: You haven't said no.
Me: =____=;;

*tuts* men...

That is all.

</ramble>

<sup>Oh one more thing.. I think i may have the teensiest of crushes on Cal <.< >.> ...then again, i have the teensiest of crushes on most guys with piercings XD Ssssh, don't tell anyone! XD

...Jamaal really made me laugh today, playing with the horn on his dog... LOL that sounds so random...

Courtz:: "I might have a fag before i go to bed... Oh yeah, my bed is full of fags. Heh... I'm partial to a bit of a PUFF now and again. Ooooh yeah, you should see my bed when i'm going at those fags, it's SMOKIN!!!" <<<<< Gay/smoking pun, if you don't get it don't worry, but i found it hilarious XD XD

that really is it...</sup>

Gaaargh, my computer is le-broken so i'm sitting on my brother's crappy one which takes about five million years to do anything... Anyway, i dont feel much like typing or anything at the moment cuz i was in wrexham till 4am last night.. Basically, went to Amz's, pissed ourselves laughing at downs-syndrome-Tristan (don't ask), went out to the pub to meet 'Cheekbones' (Gaz), met him and Topher and some other people, got a bit tipsy, ended up in the hospital for reasons i'll explain when i've checked with the people involved that it's ok to stick it in here, got stuck in Wrexham without a lift until 4 in the morning so we went wandering and got harassed by a bunch of pissed chavs, which was hilarious, then went back to Amz's and SLEPT! Lol though:

Chavs: Aaaaalriight ladeeeez.
Amz: Don't speak to me.
Chavs: Oooooh, arrogant bitches.
Amz: NORLY!!!

XD made me laugh. Had fun at Amz's today aswell, just slobbing about for the day. We bleached her hair and ate nacho's and watched Japanese horror movies all day, was a good laugh. My phone went spazzoid and decided to recieve 5 voicemails off my mum that she'd sent me at like 11 the night before (my phone is being slow recently o.O) which for some reason me and Amz found hilarious... Then my mum appeared at 5 and i went home and slobbed a bit more and that's about it really... I'm tired now so i'm going to get my shit together and go to bed so i can actually be alive to get the bus tomorrow XD

That is all.

</ramble>

Ugh, i really hate my mum right now.. This morning we had this conversation, which my brother heard and says he even remembers hearing:

Mum: when are you going to do your room then?
Me: I'll do it tomorrow coz i'm going out today then i'm going to Amy's tonight.
Mum: Ok, you want a lift then?
Me: Ya plz.

Now she's completely denying having had that conversation and is refusing to let me out of the goddamned house!!! Stupid bitchy cow... i hate her! She just manipulates everything.. one minute she's fine with me going to Amy's, the next thing i know it the conversation never happened and i'm not allowed to go for no adequately explored reason!! There's no point walking now... GOD parents are such jackasses... She's the one telling me i need to get out more, and then she inforces every law she can to keep me cooped up in my room! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR hate hate hate hate hate... I've been in such an unstable mood recently... one minute i'm over the moon, the next i'm ready to kill, and right now i'm ready to go out there and beat her head against a wall the minute she gets home.. She's seriously being a cow. If she'd told me THIS FUCKING MORNING that i couldn't go, that would be fine. I could've texted Amz then and told her. But now she tells me an hour after i was meant to fucking be there that i'm not allowed to go! They're bloody waiting for me and my mum has just suddenly decided to change her mind! GAH.

I'm leaving, i'm going to freaking walk there if i freeze to death or it takes all night. And i'm not bloody going home tomorrow either, i'll find somewhere else to stay, i'm sick of this controlling cow trying to keep me under lock and key all the time.

LOLOLOL i want a parrot.

Dude: Come on, you can say other things. Stop swearing and speaking French!
Parrot: ...Fuck off you twat.
Dude: *rofl*

XD that made me giggle that did!

You know what, i really do want to wring the necks of some of the people on here. STOP BUTCHERING THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE DAMMIT!!!! Seriously, can someone please tell me when it was decided that poem would be spelt and pronounced pome??? POME!!! That is the most irritating thing i have ever read in my life! I'm probably just being petty and hormonal, but i pride myself in having a reasonably good grasp on the english language, and when i see people murdering it like that it just makes me so angry!! A pome, dear ignorant person, is a type of FRUIT. An apple is a pome. A pear is a pome. THAT NONESENSE GIBBERISH THAT YOU WRITE IS NOT A POME!!!! It's a POEM. POEM!!! P-O-E-M!!! See the difference??? GAH!!!

*breathes* Ok, rant over. I felt the need to rant in here lest i message the idiot who used the word pome and verbally castrate him... Dear me... Anyway. I'm off into Chester today (i think XD) so i can buy my mutti dearest a mother's day present. I know what she wants, so 'tis what she will get! I also need to go to Twisted Barrels and see how much this tattoo of mine is going to cost, so i can start saving now XD I've drawn up the design and it looks GORGEOUS on paper, so i can't wait to see what it will look like inked into my skin forever and ever and EVER!! *floats off into a bubbly cloud of glee* ...Anyway. Then i'm going to Amz's afterwards because she demanded that i go last night while she was extremely drunk XD it was the most hilarious conversation i've ever had with anyone, seriously, i was peeing myself laughing XD I'm going to print it off and show it to her, because no doubt she won't remember any of it! XD 

Anyway, must be off now, gotta get ready to hop on the 11:15 bus! Turrah!

</ramble>

I got so over excited then i pressed enter before i was finished typing XD but that's good, or i would have rambled all night. I'm off to paint now, i need to PAINT!!! XD

*diary whore*

But really.

I've been thinking. Alot. Dammit it's all i seem to do at all these days... Think, and act. Anyway... When i went into hospital, my nan suggested that i go and stay with her for a few weeks, or months, or however long i need to. I think that's a good idea. I've always wished i was brave enough to up and leave, get away from this dump for a while, but i've never had the guts to go. Courtz has inspired me to follow my heart and go home. Yeah, HOME. This place may be where my house is, and my friends, but.. They say home is where your heart is, and my heart definately belongs down there in South England. Whenever i'm down there i feel so... At peace with the world, like everything is perfect and nothing could go wrong. Only when i'm there do i feel truly at home. So. I'm going to get in touch with my nan and see about going down there for the whole summer holiday, maybe longer if i decide i like it. Maybe finish my A-levels at the school my cousin went to, go to Brighton art college, start anew. I'm sick of just turning over a new page, i want to start a whole new book! I want to follow my dreams, instead of just staying here and hoping my dreams will follow me. Courtz is going off to live in France all on her own, because she has dreams. I want to follow her example, get the A-Levels i want and fly away to all the places i want to go. I know it's not that easy, but getting a job abroad would be wonderful, and if Courtney can do it so can I! I refuse to just sit around on my ass and dream. For once in my life i'm going to ACT. I'm going to travel, i'm going to achieve, I'M GOING TO BE HAPPY!! Happy, happy, happy! And successful. Maybe not rich, but successful and happy at least. That'll do me! I want to get good grades, travel the world, see it all and do it all and get the t-shirt! Then settle down, get married maybe.. Maybe even have kids.. Scary prospect XD ..But i don't want to sit around dreaming about it! I want to do it! My next wage.. I'm not going to squander it away on useless tat, i'm going to put it all straight into my ISA. I'm going to start saving now, so when i get to the stage in my life where i'm free from commitment, i can truly be free, I can get out of this place and go away somewhere, dissapear for a few years and come back with a thousand stories to tell. ARGH! For once in my life i have a thousand dreams and wants and hopes and i actually believe i can achieve them! I'm going to start right now.. I'm going to get ALL my psychology work finished, and my english, and my art. I'm going to study hard, eat well, exercise properly, live HAPPY!

Ooooh, Anne is so lovely =] She's my counsellor, but calling her that makes it seem far too formal.. She's just a nice person who comes over to have a cup of tea and a chat. She's been so helpful already and i've only met her twice. She's made me realise that i need to stop looking at everything so negatively. All this paranoia is going to stress me out, i need to just chill and stop reading into things too much... I also need to talk to Josh, because the poor child is in a state of total head-shreddedness at the moment XD He, unlike the rest of my dear friends, has never experienced one of my big online breakdowns like the one i had last night, and so he doesn't realise that half the stuff i say when i have said breakdowns is usually just the spawn of my own paranoia and is actually just total nonesense XD

I honestly feel so much better and more positive now, i can't even see what all the fuss was about! I think i owe everyone an apology and a hug because i've been such a cretin these last few weeks. So *hug* to everyone, and i love you all dearly even if i act like i don't sometimes! I'm off to eat fishcakes and play childish games with my brother now, because it feels like so long since i've just messed around and acted like a kid! XD

That is all.

</ramble>

Hello... *sigh*... I guess i should probably explain my outburst last night... I really don't want to, to be quite honest, but i feel that i need to because it was so uncalled for and unjustified. I'm physically and mentally drained today, i have never in my life been as angry and hysterical and.. well, manic as i was last night... I just spent hours screaming and yelling at nothing, crying my eyes out, locked in my room and smashing everything i could get my hands on. I have never screamed so much before, my throat is so sore today... I screamed until i made myself ill, and eventually exhausted myself and collapsed, fell asleep on the floor. My mum rang my counsellor and today my counsellor rang me. I'm glad i have her to be honest, she's really nice and she does know what she's talking about... I talked to her for hours, just straightening things out as much as possible, and she's coming over to see me today because she's worried about me. That's nice of her...

Basically, what happened yesterday: I was in a foul mood anyway, though i'm still not sure why. Througout the day little things slowly started to piss me off and add on to the bubble of rage that i didn't realise i'd been carrying for months. It slowly built up and built up, and i started reading into EVERYTHING the wrong way, taking it as my friends and my boyfriend and my parents actually hate me, and that no one really cares about me they just see me as some kind of idiotic, mentally unstable person that they have to act nicely around. (To be honest, part of me still thinks that, but i'm pushing it to the back of my mind. I'd reather be ignorant and happy thanks) Anyway... my counsellor said i just got myself stuck in a downward spiral of paranoia, which slowly got worse and worse until my fuse snapped and i lost my temper completely.

I'm so shaken today it's unreal. Mainly because thoughts of suicide were flitting through my mind again last night, and i thought that was over after that awful hospital experience. I suppose this is just proving that my mental state isn't as stable as i thought it was... I thought i could handle anything, but i obviously can't... I can't stop shaking now, it's a combination of mental exhaustion, shame and fear... I'm ashamed of how i acted last night, but i'm also scared of it. I've never lost my temper like that, and i've never felt so alone in my life. It felt like i was being torn away from reality and life was slowly starting to break down infront of me. It felt like an acid trip to tell the honest truth.

Now i just feel sick and tired and shakey. That's one of the reasons i'm not in school today. I couldn't handle it. Maybe i wasn't ready to go back, i dunno... I still think that my friends attitudes towards me are changing because of my... I'm going to say it straight for the first time... because of my attempted suicide. I'm still pretty sure that they all look down on me now, sneer behind my back because i'm so weak. But i choose to ignore that. It could be true, it could just be this paranoia which is taking over me at the moment, but either way there's not alot i can do about it so i'll ignore it.

Pretend everything is ok, just like usual.

That is all.

</spam>

One last thing...

It's sad isn't it? This diary knows me better than all my friends put together. This diary knows the innermost workings of my heart and soul, all the secret entries i put in here pouring out my deepest darkets thoughts and feelings and hatred... Ironic that the only person who really knows me is in fact myself. And i hate myself.

Self esteem minus 5.

Ha. Funny.

JREOWAIGHNRPOEIA[WFMRIO[WTHYROIWAEMVREYGT >.< I'm so angry!!! All the sadness and angst from before has transformed itself into downright rage and i need to vent somewhere or i'm going to smash up this fucking room.. I have no idea where this has come from. I really don't. I'm just furious with everyone, i hate everyone, and right now i want to take my nan up on her offer and go and live down there with her for a few months. I feel so cheated, and alone, and... paranoid. Unusually paranoid. I'm never paranoid, not really, i don't care all that much what people are saying about me or thinking about me... But recently it feels like everyone's smiling to my face and grimacing behind my back. It's like i have no real friends, they're just my friends because they pity me. 'Ooooh the poor, sad, depressed girl, we have to be her friend just so she doesn't feel like the lonely little fucker that she is. Don't worry though, she'll fucking die soon and we can all carry on with our lives as normal.' JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. I'm almost 100% sure that all my friends are against me at the moment, my boyfriend doesn't even like me, he has feelings for someone else, he's fucking using me i know it, and everyone else is my friend because they feel sorry for me... Just like normal... I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT!!! But most of all i hate myself. I hate who i am, i hate the fact that no matter how hard i try i can't seem to change myself, i hate the fact that i think one thing and say something else, i hate the fact that i can't tell the people i love how much they really mean to me, i hate the fact that not one living person on this planet has ever really met me!!!!! They've met a mask, an artificial me covering up the sad, scared person underneath. I HATE IT. HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE it's such a strong word isn't it... A strong word to support a very weak person. Fuck life, fuck everything. I'm going to bed and i hope i never fucking wake up. 

Still in a foul mood. Couldn't stop crying before... Josh asked me to go to Pentre with him, but i don't really want to see anyone right now. Don't know about school anymore. I think i just want to curl up in my room and never come out again. Can't be arsed with anything anymore... I think i might just go to bed and hope i miss the bus in the morning so i can stay home. I don't feel like i want to see anyone ever again...

Sometimes i think Joe was right... Humans are meant to live alone and die young... Whatever... I'm going...

</pointless>

Bleh... I just stuck a 5mm in my ear because i couldn't be bothered waiting for the 2mm to heal... Dammit it hurt more than i was expecting! Those 3 extra mm are more painful than you think!! ...Oh well, only 5 more to go and then i'll have it where i want it.. Actually, i want to go to a 12mm in one ear now coz i saw a really nice plug in Lee Louise and i want it, but it's a 12 >.< Oh well, i'll go to a 12 then.. But yeah, now i see why people make a fuss about it when you don't go up in ones.. it does hurt. Not as much as i was expecting, but it hurts.

I woke up in such a foul mood today.. I stayed over at Gemma's and we went to bed at about 12, but i don't think i slept very well because i'm soooo tired... I got up, i had a headache and i was nearly in tears for no real reason, and i just thought 'fuck it, there's no way i'm going to school in this mood' so i bogged off into Chester so i could get the 5 for my ear... Home now because i couldn't be bothered staying in Chester long and i have to see this bastard counsellor at 4 anyway... She'd better be nice or i'll probably bite her head off, i'm still in a snappy horrible mood...

I'm going into school tomorrow, prolly end up doing art all day again XD Meh... I had nothing else to say really... MY EAR BLOODY HURTS. And me and Topher decided that female vampires don't get periods, but male vampires have permanent erections, which is why they wear big capes to cover up the trouser tent XD

That is all.

</ramble>

Zomg I had such a lolly laugh at work tonight! We were skiving so much, we pretty much did no work at all so I’m kinda glad I’m off for the next 5 days so Linz can blame someone else XD But seriously.. LOL. Me and Courtz were messing around on jewellery doing ‘the Sue dance’ and being generally hysterical, when new-ish guy Dan came down to talk to us. He’s alright I suppose, a bit arrogant and cocky but whatever… Then Cal appeared and decided he was helping on jewellery, and Jack and Harry joined in too so we had a right little group of idiots XD And Nic was supervisor so she didn’t care that we were all mucking about XD (good job it wasn’t Linda-manly or we’d all be dead by now XD) Me and Courtz were taking the mick out of ‘swear-man’ (nicknamed this because he swears A LOT) because he sneezed weirdly and we were doing ‘swear sneezes’ going ‘ah-FUCK. ah-SHIT. ah, ah, ah, AH-BOLLOCKSSHITFUCK!!!!!!’ XD then some guy appeared and announced that it was his birthday and that we were all going to the pub. Which was awesome! So we went to the pub, and I had a few wines and someone decided that my new name is Doreen Piss Head (I have no clue why XD). Cal stretched my ear for me too, which didn’t hurt nearly as much as I was expecting it to XD It just got hot, and then he put beer on it going ‘ALCOHOL IS A PAINKILLER DOREEN!!!!’ which was the funniest thing I’ve ever heard XD ..It really didn’t hurt at all though, I don’t know what all the fuss was about XD It’s a bit throbby and sore now but.. Meh, nothing I can’t handle.. I just hope it doesn’t fall out while I’m asleep cuz I’ll have to bloody do it again tomorrow XD ARSED!!!

Erm.. That’s all I had to say… My mum had a right go at me over my ear, and about going to the pub on a school night, and she’s doing her whole moody ass routine again…

Mum: Don’t bother coming home tomorrow!!
Me: I’m not, duh… I’m going to Gemma’s tomorrow, remember?
Mum: You were supposed to be coming home!
Me: …Uh, you just told me not to come home…
Mum: That’s not the point!
Me: Mum you’re contradicting yourself, I’m going to bed.
Mum: At least I don’t have a bloody spike in my ear!!!
Me: *o.O* wtf…

XD that amused me… Anyway, I’m going to bed now. I’m tired!

</ramble>


...One last thing that came up at the pub tonight...

DO FEMALE VAMPIRES HAVE PERIODS?!?!?!

I lied. I just bought seasons 1-4 of Digimon, all the Digimon movies and an ORLY hat.

I phail so much XD

</spam>

Went to chester today with [imperfectionist], Ruth and Josh. We had a right laugh =] i can't be bothered rambling about it now, i might do it tomorrow after work if i feel like it... Working lates all weekend, really cba ¬___¬ 8 1/2 hour shifts... Do not want D8

On the other hand, i'm only working two days next week and the rest is FREEEEEEEEE!!! X3 Apart from thursday when i'm seeing my counsellor again.. bleh..

Josh got me a really nice corset for valentines day =3 so i bought him a new piercing XD that's 10 now o.O

Ruth is LEGEND. The things she comes out with... LOL. That's all i have to say XD 

I have £500 of my wages left for this month. I intend to stay away from ebay with it.

I bought Cooking Mama for the Wii today and i'm addicted to it. Makes me hungry XD

I feel sick now =/

That is all.

</pointless>

Nyaaaah, i really cba with work today... I'm tired, which is completely unjustified considering i had like 12 hours sleep last night... Buuut that doesn't change the fact that i'm utterly exhausted >.< and i have to help train a new girl today and i really don't feel like being nice and sociable and friendly ¬____¬ in fact i feel alot like hitting someone and i'm not sure where this foul mood's come from... I'm just glad i'm with Louise tonight, it means i get to stay behind jewellery 'till 8:30 then just spend and hour and a half closing down... Half an hour with Louise and new girl Lesley, and then an hour of blissful alone-ness to get the last of the cleaning done (i wasn't being sarcastic then, i actually love my last hour when i'm on my own until 10, it's peaceful). So. It might not be so bad i guess. Just so long as i don't get any pain in the ass customers on tobacco or any panicked last-minute-valentines-present-buying idiots on jewellery... Because i swear i'm going to lose my rag if another guy says to me "You're a girl, which ring do you like out of these 2?" ¬___¬ i just feel like saying 'not all girls think the same, idiot. You should know your bloody girlfriend better than i do!! I personally like that big chunky man-ring over there, but i doubt your girlfriend will!!!' *explodes* grrrrr... True story XD I've had so many guys going "Which one do you like?" and "Let me see what it looks like on you." and "Would you wear it?" ..I don't like any of them, it looks like a ring on me as it would if it was put on a hippo, and no i wouldn't wear it because it's gold and disgusting. Happy now??? *hyperventilates*

I'm going to get ready now.

That is all.

</rant>

Bleh... I forgot that i don't like valentine's day ¬___¬ It occured to me when i was sitting in the hair dressers this morning and some guy came and gave a bunch of flowers to Becky (one of the beauticians).. I was just like "You know what, i really don't like valentines day..." XD Lisa was laughing because we'd just been talking about what she'd got her boyfriend and what she was doing, and then i came out with that <.< >.> so i'm staying cooped up in the house today because i can't be doing with valentines stuff.. I'm quite glad i'm working tonight, at least it gives me an excuse to avoid Josh for a day XD

I feel better today, but still very shaky and like i'm going to throw up... I think i'm getting out of the stage where i can drink enough to get the Russian army drunk, go to bed for 2 hours and then get up the next morning feeling fine. Oh dear...

Erm.. I feel like eating scallops for no reason whatsoever... I have nothing useful to say now, i'm just rambling for lack of anything better to do... My teeth hurt ¬___¬ ...i want to eaaaaaaaaaat something but i can't be bothered going downstairs and cooking... I might have some noodles... yeah, noodles... i'm off to do cooking now!!! 8D~

That is all.

</ramble>

Oh i almost forgot! Happy Valentines day everyone! :p <333 Much love to you all! *huggles*