OH MAI GIDDY AUNT!!! I really need to stop procrastinatin
Me: *eating a cake*
Mum: The dog wouldn't even go out and chase rabbits before, because i was eating one.
Me: ...you were eating a rabbit???
Mum: Yeah... What? No! A cake you doris!
Me: Ooooooh...
XD parents... and misunderstandi
Sleep now.
HOSHIT art coursework.. you know what, screw it. I'll hand in what i've done and see if i can get an leeeeetle extension on the rest of it... If not, then feh, oh dear and whoopsie daisy, i'll just have to work super hard to get everything finished. Or something. I have no idea.
SLEEP GODDAMNIT!!!!
Night luvs ^___^
</spam>
Tiiiired. Cbaaaaaaaaaa. Wanna go to beeeeeeed. But i can't be arsed going all the way upstairs to my roooooooom... I feel ill and i have a stomach ache. And i'm actually looking forward to work tomorrow o.O probz because i'm with Courtz, and it's always more fun with her XD
I really need sleep now, i have no idea why i'm even writing this.. *coughPROCRAST
*ponders* happy for myself maybe... things are going my way again, sort of. WELL. Amz isn't in tomorrow, so i'm going to take the opportunity to go and talk to miss Batten. I've been skipping school alot recently, i'm not really sure why... I just felt so down and out of it last week i couldn't bare to be there. But since i now feel like things are improving, or at least today they seem to be improving, i think i need to go and have a word with ALL my teachers, apologise for my behaviour and ask for a second chance. No more skipping school with Amz, no more excuses. Time to knuckle down and get some work done so i can do what i WANT to do in life, which is get through art college, travel the world, settle down in Ireland and have two kids two dogs and a cat XD That's my ideal future. Yeah. Selfish? Of course i am. Because i've always been the kind of person to put me, myself and i first. Always have, always will. I'm selfish, selfish, selfish. But in being selfish i get what i want, and in getting what i want i move onwards in the direction i want to go. Sounds harsh, yeah i know that, but i want alot and i intend to get it. I want to look back on this breakdown and think 'Ha, loser.' The one advantage of being a Johnson. We want, we get. We trample over people as we do so, we hurt alot of people and make alot of friends, we rip ourselves down to the bare bone at least 5 times a year, but we get over it fast and move on quickly. Tis the Johnson way! And i intend to use every ounce of that raw selfishness to get myself as far in life as i possibly can. Decision made, thank you for your input, goodnight.
</rant>
Hoooooome, finally. Dan made me feel better today, and i'm not really sure why, he just made me laugh when i needed it most =3 ...The nicest thing in the world happened to me to day, such a nice send off from my job! This customer came up and said 'are you ok, love, you look really stressed out'.. and i was kinda taken aback, but i suppose i probably did look stressed because it was really busy today... Anyway, i told him that i'm just going through a bad patch at the moment.. And then he dissapeared and came back with a box of chocolates for me! It was just the nicest gesture from a stranger, i nearly cried. What a nice guy =3
Then Dan made me giggle:
Me: How much of a fortune did you spend on your mum then?
Dan: £85 on this massive teddy and some roses.
Me: FO SRSLY?!?! That's alot..
Dan: Yeah, she cried and i was like 'aaah, fuck off...'
Me: *XD* oh that's nice..
Dan: Yeah. "Happy mothers day. Now fuck off."
Me: I'm sure your mother loves you.
Dan: Loves me like rabies *^___^*
and i shook my head at him XD he's so sweet though, it'll be sad leaving him and all the other nutters behind (especially Cal *shifty*).. BUT! You may have noticed that i'm not utterly depressed about losing the job anymore. NO I'M NOT! Because i've come up with a new way to make money! On my last wage, i'm going round charity shops and cheapy shops and buying all the cheapest, crappyest clothes i can find. Then i'm going to Aberkan and buying a shit load of fabric and lace, and i'm going to start customising clothes and selling them on Ebay! I reckon after i get a little publicity i can even start taking requests for custom designs, such as people chosing their own colour schemes and patterns.. My parents are all for the idea and mum even said she'd fund me until it gets going properly! That'll be a good thing to put on my CV 'Own business at 17' XD and it'll be a good way to rake in the cash so i can travel after college. Oh i'm so happy happy happy! This is wonderful, i feel like i actually have a future ahead of me now! I have something to occupy my time with, something that could well turn into my future carreer! YAY! X3
Also. 6 months with Josh next week. I was talking to Roz about it today actually..
Roz: How're things with you and your boyfriend then?
Me: Good actually. It's our 6 month anniversary next week.
Roz: 6 MONTHS!! That's shocking!
XD XD apparently the people at work know me better than i thought XD Oooooh, i'm going to be sad to leave, but happy to move on! So yeah, 6 months... We're going out to celebrate the fact that i'm still not bored of him XD Happy happy happy X3
AND MY DIGIMON DVD'S ARRIVED!!!! Digimon marathon at Amz's next weekend, la!!! Ruth and Tien are coming too, which should be awesome =3
AND i got invited to go out with Cal and Courtz some time before Courtney leaves for France. So yay, fun fun with new friends!
I'm back, i feel ok, just... Empty. I can't believe how much i'm losing, it's like everything is made of sand and it's just slipping through my fingers. Giles, my dear neighbor, passed away. I'm gutted, i've known him my whole life and it's just... surreal to think that he won't be around anymore. And seing Charlotte and Hilary so sad and lost is just upsetting for me.
I did go. I couldn't bare being in my house after losing my job, and then i hear that Giles is dead and i just left... Walked out with a bottle of wine and wandered around. I needed to be me for a while, because i've been covering up the real me for so long. I walked, and i cried, but i ended up throwing the wine away. Josh texted me to ask if i wanted to stay at his, as did Amz and they have no idea how much i appreciate that, but i just wanted to be on my own for a while. I'll see them both on monday anyway.
I'm starting to realise, thanks to a conversation i had with Ruth, that i need to motivate myself. I NEED to start working hard, doing what i need to do to get the grades i want so i can get the hell out of here and move on and away and hopefully up! But part of me doesn't want to do that... Part of me feels like something is missing here, and i can't leave until it's... i dont know... I feel sort of like i'd be running away if i left... Meh. Can't explain it. Oh well. Working all weekend but i can't see that i'll be terribly motivated since i've lost that job now. It sucks that they fire me but still expect me to come in and work hard as if i'm actually trying to keep the job. I'll go and see HR on Monday and see if there's any chance of negotiation, or if it's final. I really don't think it's fair to fire me because i was told by my doctor to take a break.
Never mind. That's life i suppose, but i can so see someone coming up to talk to me about it tomorrow and me just breaking down in tears. I'm not emotionally stable yet, i still can't control myself when i'm upset or angry and i have the worst mood swings ever. I'll blame it on the depression and anxiety and hope that with the help of a counsellor i can overcome this.
I'm just in a bad patch. Hopefully i'll be out of it soon or i might just explode.
I have a headache...
</ramble>
I've just lost my job. Worst day of my life. I can't believe it, i was so happy and motivated when i came in and now i can't stop crying. I need a drink, badly. I'm going to raid the wine cupboard...
You know what though. No job, no life, no future... I have absolutely nothing holding me to this place anymore. You know what that means? I'm leaving. Right now. I'm going to pack a bag and get the hell out of here while there's no one home.
I can't believe they fired me for taking a week off... I had a doctor's note and a psychiatrist's orders thing and everything, its not like i just skived it.. Bastards.. I don't care anymore, i might aswell go and throw myself off a fucking bridge... I have nothing left now. NOTHING. My job kept me going, though i hate to admit it, it's what helped me stay in touch with reality. It was something to take my mind off everything, and now i've lost it i just can't see the point...
Bye everyone. I love you all, i might see you again one day, but for now i just have to get the hell out of here.
Had fun last night at Gemma's =] Had a big rant to her before Josh arrived because... Well i've been pretty badly hurt recently and it's been hanging over my head, so i ended up yelling and screaming to Gem (but not crying surprisingly, i think i'm all out of tears). But she really helped, it's nice to know there's someone there that i can collapse on and cry when i need her XD
So anyway, Josh arrived and we just messed around really, listening to music, chilling really, it was nice =] Mark was trying to get Josh to go to Central, but Josh said he'd rather stay with me, which i thought was stupid so i poked him alot, but he still wouldn't go (didn't want to leave me apparently) which was sweet of him i suppose XD we just had a proper good laugh, three close friends just hanging out and having fun. It was nice. NICE NICE NICE! I feel happy and squishy inside X3
Me and Amz had a laugh today too XD Didn't go to any lessons again, i'm thinking of dropping out anyway but, whatever.. We went and got some kinder eggs and i got a pair of proper gypo beyblades XD so we were beyblading in the park with the theme tune playing and everything it was the funniest thing ever. The competition was 'who can smack the other person in the face with their beyblade first' it was hilarious at the time, no matter how childish it sounds XD Me and Amz have decided that next weekend when i'm not working we're going to get wrecked together, because 'we're on the same wavelength when we're drunk' apparently XD so we're going for a piss up at her house, possibly go out and meet up with Cheekbones and Topher afterwards. Should be good!
So yeah, feeling better now, staying alive at least! Oh and my phone fixed itself, and i got about 50 voicemails that people have left me over the last 3-ish weeks XD really made me giggle.. So yay, phone is working again! Happy day!!
I've given up being hurt and upset about things that have been said. I've decided that i don't care anymore. I've given up caring, because it just gets you hurt in the end. I don't want to wind up a cold and heartless bitch, but to be honest i'd rather be that than a warm and caring but heartbroken person XD s'all good though, makes me feel free in a way =]
That is all.
</ramble>
My phone has officially broke D8 It won't recieve texts properly anymore, and i can't ring people, get voicemails or go on the internet to check my text usage.. Or anything really, it just won't work.. bastard thing.. it's been screwing around for ages since Cal's party really so i think i must've shaken it up then or something... Oh well, whatever. Retard machine. Got a message from my mum today that she left me 5 days ago. Confused me o.O silly machine, i dont get on with technology.
Had a laugh today. Went to Ruth's coz i couldn't be arsed with school, too many people seem to be giving me the evil eye there at the moment XD Had a laugh with ruth amz and josh.. we basically made 5 parties worth of mess, then watched a movie called Con Air, which was surprisingly good.
Work was fun too. Messed around with Courtz as usual, but it's her last week next week and i'm going to miss her! It's just more fun when she's there... And with her gone it'll be me, Dan, Harry, Jack, Cal, Luke, Rob and Matt... So yeah, me and 7 guys ¬____¬ i will feel well and truly alienated XD
I've been thinking about leaving actually. Wrote a long, rambly, tearful entry in my hand-written journal and i dunno really... I'm just getting sick of this place. Same old routine, same old people, same old school, same old job, same old dramas... Life just seems to be getting more and more meaningless and i dont want to think like that when i know i have so much to live for... Might go and try and seek out my old stoner friends in London and see how they're doing... I could always stay with my nan down there, she's always said i can if i need to. Meh...
Oh my giddy aunt, in work today, Dan was being such a tard...
Me: *chatting to Cal (as you do)*
Dan: Oi you, stop flirting.
Cal: Eh?
Dan: That's my girlfriend.
Me: Excuse me? Don't i get a say in this?
Dan: No. You'll be getting a whipping when we get home.
Me: O rly??
Dan: You haven't said no.
Me: =____=;;
*tuts* men...
That is all.
</ramble>
Oh one more thing.. I think i may have the teensiest of crushes on Cal <.< >.> ...then again, i have the teensiest of crushes on most guys with piercings XD Ssssh, don't tell anyone! XD
...Jamaal really made me laugh today, playing with the horn on his dog... LOL that sounds so random...
Courtz:: "I might have a fag before i go to bed... Oh yeah, my bed is full of fags. Heh... I'm partial to a bit of a PUFF now and again. Ooooh yeah, you should see my bed when i'm going at those fags, it's SMOKIN!!!" <<<<< Gay/smoking pun, if you don't get it don't worry, but i found it hilarious XD XD
that really is it...
Gaaargh, my computer is le-broken so i'm sitting on my brother's crappy one which takes about five million years to do anything... Anyway, i dont feel much like typing or anything at the moment cuz i was in wrexham till 4am last night.. Basically, went to Amz's, pissed ourselves laughing at downs-syndrome
Chavs: Aaaaalriight ladeeeez.
Amz: Don't speak to me.
Chavs: Oooooh, arrogant bitches.
Amz: NORLY!!!
XD made me laugh. Had fun at Amz's today aswell, just slobbing about for the day. We bleached her hair and ate nacho's and watched Japanese horror movies all day, was a good laugh. My phone went spazzoid and decided to recieve 5 voicemails off my mum that she'd sent me at like 11 the night before (my phone is being slow recently o.O) which for some reason me and Amz found hilarious... Then my mum appeared at 5 and i went home and slobbed a bit more and that's about it really... I'm tired now so i'm going to get my shit together and go to bed so i can actually be alive to get the bus tomorrow XD
That is all.
</ramble>
Ugh, i really hate my mum right now.. This morning we had this conversation, which my brother heard and says he even remembers hearing:
Mum: when are you going to do your room then?
Me: I'll do it tomorrow coz i'm going out today then i'm going to Amy's tonight.
Mum: Ok, you want a lift then?
Me: Ya plz.
Now she's completely denying having had that conversation and is refusing to let me out of the goddamned house!!! Stupid bitchy cow... i hate her! She just manipulates everything.. one minute she's fine with me going to Amy's, the next thing i know it the conversation never happened and i'm not allowed to go for no adequately explored reason!! There's no point walking now... GOD parents are such jackasses... She's the one telling me i need to get out more, and then she inforces every law she can to keep me cooped up in my room! GRRRRRRRRRRRRR
I'm leaving, i'm going to freaking walk there if i freeze to death or it takes all night. And i'm not bloody going home tomorrow either, i'll find somewhere else to stay, i'm sick of this controlling cow trying to keep me under lock and key all the time.
LOLOLOL i want a parrot.
Dude: Come on, you can say other things. Stop swearing and speaking French!
Parrot: ...Fuck off you twat.
Dude: *rofl*
XD that made me giggle that did!
You know what, i really do want to wring the necks of some of the people on here. STOP BUTCHERING THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE DAMMIT!!!! Seriously, can someone please tell me when it was decided that poem would be spelt and pronounced pome??? POME!!! That is the most irritating thing i have ever read in my life! I'm probably just being petty and hormonal, but i pride myself in having a reasonably good grasp on the english language, and when i see people murdering it like that it just makes me so angry!! A pome, dear ignorant person, is a type of FRUIT. An apple is a pome. A pear is a pome. THAT NONESENSE GIBBERISH THAT YOU WRITE IS NOT A POME!!!! It's a POEM. POEM!!! P-O-E-M!!! See the difference??? GAH!!!
*breathes* Ok, rant over. I felt the need to rant in here lest i message the idiot who used the word pome and verbally castrate him... Dear me... Anyway. I'm off into Chester today (i think XD) so i can buy my mutti dearest a mother's day present. I know what she wants, so 'tis what she will get! I also need to go to Twisted Barrels and see how much this tattoo of mine is going to cost, so i can start saving now XD I've drawn up the design and it looks GORGEOUS on paper, so i can't wait to see what it will look like inked into my skin forever and ever and EVER!! *floats off into a bubbly cloud of glee* ...Anyway. Then i'm going to Amz's afterwards because she demanded that i go last night while she was extremely drunk XD it was the most hilarious conversation i've ever had with anyone, seriously, i was peeing myself laughing XD I'm going to print it off and show it to her, because no doubt she won't remember any of it! XD
Anyway, must be off now, gotta get ready to hop on the 11:15 bus! Turrah!
</ramble>
I got so over excited then i pressed enter before i was finished typing XD but that's good, or i would have rambled all night. I'm off to paint now, i need to PAINT!!! XD
*diary whore*
But really.
I've been thinking. Alot. Dammit it's all i seem to do at all these days... Think, and act. Anyway... When i went into hospital, my nan suggested that i go and stay with her for a few weeks, or months, or however long i need to. I think that's a good idea. I've always wished i was brave enough to up and leave, get away from this dump for a while, but i've never had the guts to go. Courtz has inspired me to follow my heart and go home. Yeah, HOME. This place may be where my house is, and my friends, but.. They say home is where your heart is, and my heart definately belongs down there in South England. Whenever i'm down there i feel so... At peace with the world, like everything is perfect and nothing could go wrong. Only when i'm there do i feel truly at home. So. I'm going to get in touch with my nan and see about going down there for the whole summer holiday, maybe longer if i decide i like it. Maybe finish my A-levels at the school my cousin went to, go to Brighton art college, start anew. I'm sick of just turning over a new page, i want to start a whole new book! I want to follow my dreams, instead of just staying here and hoping my dreams will follow me. Courtz is going off to live in France all on her own, because she has dreams. I want to follow her example, get the A-Levels i want and fly away to all the places i want to go. I know it's not that easy, but getting a job abroad would be wonderful, and if Courtney can do it so can I! I refuse to just sit around on my ass and dream. For once in my life i'm going to ACT. I'm going to travel, i'm going to achieve, I'M GOING TO BE HAPPY!! Happy, happy, happy! And successful. Maybe not rich, but successful and happy at least. That'll do me! I want to get good grades, travel the world, see it all and do it all and get the t-shirt! Then settle down, get married maybe.. Maybe even have kids.. Scary prospect XD ..But i don't want to sit around dreaming about it! I want to do it! My next wage.. I'm not going to squander it away on useless tat, i'm going to put it all straight into my ISA. I'm going to start saving now, so when i get to the stage in my life where i'm free from commitment, i can truly be free, I can get out of this place and go away somewhere, dissapear for a few years and come back with a thousand stories to tell. ARGH! For once in my life i have a thousand dreams and wants and hopes and i actually believe i can achieve them! I'm going to start right now.. I'm going to get ALL my psychology work finished, and my english, and my art. I'm going to study hard, eat well, exercise properly, live HAPPY!
Ooooh, Anne is so lovely =] She's my counsellor, but calling her that makes it seem far too formal.. She's just a nice person who comes over to have a cup of tea and a chat. She's been so helpful already and i've only met her twice. She's made me realise that i need to stop looking at everything so negatively. All this paranoia is going to stress me out, i need to just chill and stop reading into things too much... I also need to talk to Josh, because the poor child is in a state of total head-shreddedn
I honestly feel so much better and more positive now, i can't even see what all the fuss was about! I think i owe everyone an apology and a hug because i've been such a cretin these last few weeks. So *hug* to everyone, and i love you all dearly even if i act like i don't sometimes! I'm off to eat fishcakes and play childish games with my brother now, because it feels like so long since i've just messed around and acted like a kid! XD
That is all.
</ramble>
Hello... *sigh*... I guess i should probably explain my outburst last night... I really don't want to, to be quite honest, but i feel that i need to because it was so uncalled for and unjustified. I'm physically and mentally drained today, i have never in my life been as angry and hysterical and.. well, manic as i was last night... I just spent hours screaming and yelling at nothing, crying my eyes out, locked in my room and smashing everything i could get my hands on. I have never screamed so much before, my throat is so sore today... I screamed until i made myself ill, and eventually exhausted myself and collapsed, fell asleep on the floor. My mum rang my counsellor and today my counsellor rang me. I'm glad i have her to be honest, she's really nice and she does know what she's talking about... I talked to her for hours, just straightening things out as much as possible, and she's coming over to see me today because she's worried about me. That's nice of her...
Basically, what happened yesterday: I was in a foul mood anyway, though i'm still not sure why. Througout the day little things slowly started to piss me off and add on to the bubble of rage that i didn't realise i'd been carrying for months. It slowly built up and built up, and i started reading into EVERYTHING the wrong way, taking it as my friends and my boyfriend and my parents actually hate me, and that no one really cares about me they just see me as some kind of idiotic, mentally unstable person that they have to act nicely around. (To be honest, part of me still thinks that, but i'm pushing it to the back of my mind. I'd reather be ignorant and happy thanks) Anyway... my counsellor said i just got myself stuck in a downward spiral of paranoia, which slowly got worse and worse until my fuse snapped and i lost my temper completely.
I'm so shaken today it's unreal. Mainly because thoughts of suicide were flitting through my mind again last night, and i thought that was over after that awful hospital experience. I suppose this is just proving that my mental state isn't as stable as i thought it was... I thought i could handle anything, but i obviously can't... I can't stop shaking now, it's a combination of mental exhaustion, shame and fear... I'm ashamed of how i acted last night, but i'm also scared of it. I've never lost my temper like that, and i've never felt so alone in my life. It felt like i was being torn away from reality and life was slowly starting to break down infront of me. It felt like an acid trip to tell the honest truth.
Now i just feel sick and tired and shakey. That's one of the reasons i'm not in school today. I couldn't handle it. Maybe i wasn't ready to go back, i dunno... I still think that my friends attitudes towards me are changing because of my... I'm going to say it straight for the first time... because of my attempted suicide. I'm still pretty sure that they all look down on me now, sneer behind my back because i'm so weak. But i choose to ignore that. It could be true, it could just be this paranoia which is taking over me at the moment, but either way there's not alot i can do about it so i'll ignore it.
Pretend everything is ok, just like usual.
That is all.
</spam>
One last thing...
It's sad isn't it? This diary knows me better than all my friends put together. This diary knows the innermost workings of my heart and soul, all the secret entries i put in here pouring out my deepest darkets thoughts and feelings and hatred... Ironic that the only person who really knows me is in fact myself. And i hate myself.
Self esteem minus 5.
Ha. Funny.
JREOWAIGHNRPOE
Still in a foul mood. Couldn't stop crying before... Josh asked me to go to Pentre with him, but i don't really want to see anyone right now. Don't know about school anymore. I think i just want to curl up in my room and never come out again. Can't be arsed with anything anymore... I think i might just go to bed and hope i miss the bus in the morning so i can stay home. I don't feel like i want to see anyone ever again...
Sometimes i think Joe was right... Humans are meant to live alone and die young... Whatever... I'm going...
</pointless>