*sigh* We live in a sad, sad world. I just came accross someone's page on EP, and she has 'I support our troops and the war' spawled all over the top of her page. Then lower down she has 4 RIP memorials for loved ones she's lost in the war. How corrupt are the minds of people these days? I can't understand it.. If someone i loved died because of the war, i would instantly be against it (i'm against it anyway, but you get the idea).. How can you still support it after it has snatched away so many lives?? The world is just full of all this unnecessary suffering and it's just wrong... Not wrong that it exists, wrong that we just accept it as if it doesn't matter. 'It's not us, why should we care?' ..But it could be! It could be us! Tomorrow a bomb could go off and kill half your family. Then it would matter, wouldn't it?? Gah... I just can't understand why people are so blind to all this! Maybe i think too much, i don't know... It just all seems to warped and messed up to me, and i don't get why no one else seems to be able to see it but me. Ignorance is considered a good thing these days... Bah.
On a lighter (ha) and less ranty-at-the-w
That is all.
</ramble>
Abrneoaipsgjop
This is a problem i have o.O I get obsessed with things, and those things tend to take over my life completely for a while. I can't just like something, i have to be totally and utterly obsessed with it. Deary me.
Naruto manga made me laugh this week, though it was a predictable end that i've seen in a couple of doujinshi's now, actually. I still think it would have been better if Sasuke died and Itachi reigned supreme, but unfortunately the bad guys never win. Which is a shame, because 9 times out of 10 the bad guys are cooler. I just want to poke Itachi in the head now, bless him =3
Got nothing to do now, i'll either go to bed or go back on Black and White, i haven't decided yet.
Project Gender Bender is underway (Y)
No one will have the faintest idea what i'm talking about. Except [imperfectionist] of course XD
</ramble>
Nina: Hey, have you got a stepladder in there?
Me: *not paying attention*
Nina: OI! STEPLADDER!
Me: ARGH! Your face looks like a stepladder!!!
Nina: .....That wasn't the question o.O
Me: *giggling fit*
Nina: *shakes head and walks off*
I'm so glad i managed to save my job!
Home now, internet's back, i'll reply to messages soon!
What's happened the last couples of days...
- Went out with Courtz and Linz, got utterly wankered, ended up asleep under a sign on the main road. Mum had to come and find me at 1am.
- Naturally i wasn't allowed to go to Amz's due to bad behavior the night before, so i spent the day owning on Devil May Cry.
- Moved into the computer room so i can decorate my actual room.
- Had a fire drill at work and got in trouble for pretending to be a casualty.
- Did what i think is the best drawing i've ever done.
- Went out drinking with Nob Job and Carl and had a right old laugh. Nob Job payed for a taxi home for me, which was very sweet of him.
- Spent an evening playing Black and White with Nob Job instead of going to Pentre XD I'm glad i did, it gave me an opportunity to rant and cry at someone.
- Saved my job with much grovelling and the help of one of my worst enemies. Funny how things turn out.
- Accidentally got paid double my normal wage due to what i'm assuming is a mess up in HR. I don't think i'll mention it to anyone XD
- Went on a shopping spree with my mum and bought a shit load of new stuff, which makes me happy.
- Discovered that i make a very convincing boy when i wog my fringe over and put my hood up.
That is all.
</ramble>
HI GAIZ!!! On my mum's computer at her work, my internet isn't working so i won't be on for a while! I'll reply to all my messages sooooon i promise! Just letting y'all know i haven't died or anything! Luv u all! Tatty bye!
</spam>
I just absolutely pissed myself laughing at Orochimaru's 'big resurrection' on Naruto. I genuinely fell on the floor laughing, i found it so hilarious XD
I'm going to do some art now cuz i feel all inspired for some reason. Nomnomnom.
Really looking forward to going out with Courtz and Linz tonight. Imagine that, getting drunk with my boss! Going to be a right laugh i think! I hope so anyway.. I don't plan on getting too drunk, the last thing i need is to be throwing up infront of my work peeps, that would be embarassing to the max XD
I'll save the throwing up for at Amz's XD XD DIGIMON MARATHON AHOY!!! <3 <3 <3
6 months with Josh tomorrow. CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S BEEN THAT LONG!! XD a whole half a year =O shocking.
Happy today ^_^
Can't type properly thought o.O
That is all.
</ramble>
I've been talking with my mum about this whole job thing.. Chances are the situation won't be negotiable, in which case i'll be jobless. I'll try my best to get another job but... My mum suggested that i go away to Israel to stay in a Kibbutz for the summer holidays. It'll both give me a chance to get away from here for a while and also travel like i've always wanted to! My mum and dad worked on a kibbutz for a year when they were younger, and they both had an amazing time... I would love to go too! The one i'm considering applying for is right near the dead sea, and i've always wanted to go there. It would be such an amazing experience for me and i think it would do me good to get away from this place and it's people for a couple of months. The work on a kibbutz is hard and you get paid in peanuts pretty much, but they pay for your keep and your food for as long as you want to stay. I just think it sounds amazing.. Everything's arranged for you by the agency, all i would have to do is pay for my flight and insurance and i'd be off! Ooooh i really want to go now, i can't wait! Sod work, sod worrying about everything, out there you're one big family and you work for your keep and nothing else. It's more basic, more simplistic, and so much more inviting than the hectic lifestyle we're forced to live here... I can't wait!
In other news.. I feel better today =] going out with Courtz tonight and going to Amz's tomorrow, so should be a good weekend =]
That is all.
</ramble>
Feeling ill... I stayed at Gem's last night and i was really sick in the night =( we ended up getting up at 2am because i was shaking so much and i was in and out of the bathroom every 5 minutes so there was no point in trying to sleep. Me and Gem went downstairs and had tea and watched tv for a few hours, which was good =) Eugh, i pretty much just slept on and off all day today, still feeling really sick. We worked on the storyline for our characters Loki and Phoenix, and it's looking pretty good, which is cool =) Still feeling really sick, so i don't know if i'm going to school tomorrow.. Might give it a miss, go to work and try and sort out this job, talk to Courtz and then see if i feel well enough to go out for a few drinks with her later on..
Had fun with Amz in chester yesterday though =3 We got attacked in the street by a cute guy who was asking us about skate shoes, and Amz scared him off with her weird reasoning and rants about Digimon XD Ooooh, speaking of which.. When we went to the toy shop thing on the market and bought a whole box of digimon stickers, we noticed a sign saying there was a Yugioh tournament! We decided there and then that we're going to it and we were both nearly suffocating from laughter discussing what we were going to do to cause havok XD Aaah man, it's going to be fun.
Anyway. I think i'm going to bed now, i don't feel well at all, i think i might be burning up because i feel really hot despite the fact that i'm sitting in a t-shirt and shorts next to the open patio door.. Bleh..
That is all.
</ramble>
My dog is dreaming...
She's such a spazz when she dreams, seriously...
It's just *spazz spazz spazz grunt growl spazz bark spazz* ...crazy animal.
Tired now.
Bed i think.
Hope i dream about Dani Filth again >=3 I did last night and it was a suhweeeeet dream! Me and him were playing a drinking game, which is a pretty good game considering i came up with it in my sleep... Basically someone poured you a shot while you were blindfolded and you had to drink it and guess what it was. If you guessed right you were safe, but if you guessed wrong you had to down another shot until you got it right or passed out. It was a good game, and an awesome dream! I was genuinely upset when i woke up and realised i hadn't been up all night drinking with Dani Filth D8
</spam>
Work cheered me up =] it always does, i always have such a laugh with Courtz.. I'm going to miss her sooo much =O lucky cow getting to go and live in France! Lolol, cow... Cow in a rucksack.. BACK TRACKS, ASS CRACKS!!! And do the Sue dance!! *shuffle!!!* ...That is pretty much how me and Courtz's conversations go. Because we are the 'mad jewellery girls'. We got Dan well and truly today. He spent the whole evening trying to stick security tags to me and Courtz, without noticing that we'd stuck a few to him XD He would have set all the alarms off when he went out if he hadn't figured it out XD Aaah he's cool, he went up a notch in my cool book after he told me all the things he did for his mum on mothers day. I like a guy with a soft spot XD Harry and Jack are being funny with us, but feh, twins *shakes head* ...Yeeeeah. Made another new friend today, Craig. He's really nice, but he thinks me and Courtz are crazy <.< >.>
Hrrrm... About my mood before... I've been up and down alot recently. One minute i'll be on top of the world, the next i'll be the exact opposite, crying my eyes out for no reason. I guess it's just life and hormones, we all have to go through it at some point, it just seems to hit me harder for some reason o.O Oh well... As long as i get through it reasonably unscathed then i'm not bothered. As long as one day i can look back on all this as an experience that taught me alot and hopefully toughened me up a bit... I'll be happy then. Living on my farm in Ireland with my two kids and two dogs (Saluki and Husky fyi XD) ...You can tell i've thought about this way to much <.< >.> whatever. I want to prove to myself that i can pull myself through this ON MY OWN. Because if i can't rely on myself to be strong, who can i rely on? I'm sick of other people always having to be strong for me, it's my turn to be the tough one for once!
Omg, the weirdest thing ever happened last night.. I was lying in my bed going to sleep, and i SWEAR that my character Rio (who i'm very much obsessed with because he's so very like me XD) sat on the end of my bed and said 'You'll be ok, kiddo.' I SWEAR i heard his voice and felt a weight on the end of my bed, it was the creepiest thing ever. I just sat straight up and went 'why are you in my room, Ethan?!' because i thought it was my brother, but there was no one there o.O I'm bloody hearing my characters comforting me, that's a worrying sign XD But they're kind of a part of me i guess.. Every one of them is a different side of me, Rio's just the one i'm closest too... As such i dream about him alot, draw him alot, and now apparently hear him talking to me o.O and i thought my life couldn't get any weirder XD
Oh well. I'm slowly but surely coming through this mental block i've had recently. And i'm proud of myself, because i've done it on my own, and that's what i want. Once i'm through, out of the dark, then i'll start fixing all the mess i've made while pulling myself together. But for now, i need to fix me.
That is all.
</spam>
Felt sick today, came home at dinner time..
Don't feel much like myself anymore... don't even feel human to be honest...
I've got alot on my mind. Too much, it's starting to drive me crazy.
I've got work now, don't really feel like it.
Am i doing the right thing? I don't know anymore.. i'm trying but i don't seem to be getting anywhere... I look in the mirror and i don't even recognise myself. I look at my friends and i don't recognise them either. It's like i'm a stranger in this world all over again... I'm stuck here in a vicious circle, and i don't know how to escape.
I don't even know who i am anymore.
Goddamn it.
Is life this confusing for everyone? And if it is, why can everyone else seem to cope?? Why do i seem to be the only one who feels like i have a big, angry ball of blackness inside me that just wants to rip out and kill everyone? Does everyone feel like this and they just don't mention it??
Why do i feel like two people?
Why do i hate everyone, even though i know i should care about them?
Why do i have fantasies about ripping people open, KILLING people, i'm supposed to love and care about?
Why do i enjoy hurting people so much? Does it make me feel powerful, in control? I don't even know...
Why am i like this? Why can't i change? Why can't i just stop it and be normal like everyone else?!?!
I'm scared...
OH MAI GIDDY AUNT!!! I really need to stop procrastinatin
Me: *eating a cake*
Mum: The dog wouldn't even go out and chase rabbits before, because i was eating one.
Me: ...you were eating a rabbit???
Mum: Yeah... What? No! A cake you doris!
Me: Ooooooh...
XD parents... and misunderstandi
Sleep now.
HOSHIT art coursework.. you know what, screw it. I'll hand in what i've done and see if i can get an leeeeetle extension on the rest of it... If not, then feh, oh dear and whoopsie daisy, i'll just have to work super hard to get everything finished. Or something. I have no idea.
SLEEP GODDAMNIT!!!!
Night luvs ^___^
</spam>
Tiiiired. Cbaaaaaaaaaa. Wanna go to beeeeeeed. But i can't be arsed going all the way upstairs to my roooooooom... I feel ill and i have a stomach ache. And i'm actually looking forward to work tomorrow o.O probz because i'm with Courtz, and it's always more fun with her XD
I really need sleep now, i have no idea why i'm even writing this.. *coughPROCRAST
*ponders* happy for myself maybe... things are going my way again, sort of. WELL. Amz isn't in tomorrow, so i'm going to take the opportunity to go and talk to miss Batten. I've been skipping school alot recently, i'm not really sure why... I just felt so down and out of it last week i couldn't bare to be there. But since i now feel like things are improving, or at least today they seem to be improving, i think i need to go and have a word with ALL my teachers, apologise for my behaviour and ask for a second chance. No more skipping school with Amz, no more excuses. Time to knuckle down and get some work done so i can do what i WANT to do in life, which is get through art college, travel the world, settle down in Ireland and have two kids two dogs and a cat XD That's my ideal future. Yeah. Selfish? Of course i am. Because i've always been the kind of person to put me, myself and i first. Always have, always will. I'm selfish, selfish, selfish. But in being selfish i get what i want, and in getting what i want i move onwards in the direction i want to go. Sounds harsh, yeah i know that, but i want alot and i intend to get it. I want to look back on this breakdown and think 'Ha, loser.' The one advantage of being a Johnson. We want, we get. We trample over people as we do so, we hurt alot of people and make alot of friends, we rip ourselves down to the bare bone at least 5 times a year, but we get over it fast and move on quickly. Tis the Johnson way! And i intend to use every ounce of that raw selfishness to get myself as far in life as i possibly can. Decision made, thank you for your input, goodnight.
</rant>
Hoooooome, finally. Dan made me feel better today, and i'm not really sure why, he just made me laugh when i needed it most =3 ...The nicest thing in the world happened to me to day, such a nice send off from my job! This customer came up and said 'are you ok, love, you look really stressed out'.. and i was kinda taken aback, but i suppose i probably did look stressed because it was really busy today... Anyway, i told him that i'm just going through a bad patch at the moment.. And then he dissapeared and came back with a box of chocolates for me! It was just the nicest gesture from a stranger, i nearly cried. What a nice guy =3
Then Dan made me giggle:
Me: How much of a fortune did you spend on your mum then?
Dan: £85 on this massive teddy and some roses.
Me: FO SRSLY?!?! That's alot..
Dan: Yeah, she cried and i was like 'aaah, fuck off...'
Me: *XD* oh that's nice..
Dan: Yeah. "Happy mothers day. Now fuck off."
Me: I'm sure your mother loves you.
Dan: Loves me like rabies *^___^*
and i shook my head at him XD he's so sweet though, it'll be sad leaving him and all the other nutters behind (especially Cal *shifty*).. BUT! You may have noticed that i'm not utterly depressed about losing the job anymore. NO I'M NOT! Because i've come up with a new way to make money! On my last wage, i'm going round charity shops and cheapy shops and buying all the cheapest, crappyest clothes i can find. Then i'm going to Aberkan and buying a shit load of fabric and lace, and i'm going to start customising clothes and selling them on Ebay! I reckon after i get a little publicity i can even start taking requests for custom designs, such as people chosing their own colour schemes and patterns.. My parents are all for the idea and mum even said she'd fund me until it gets going properly! That'll be a good thing to put on my CV 'Own business at 17' XD and it'll be a good way to rake in the cash so i can travel after college. Oh i'm so happy happy happy! This is wonderful, i feel like i actually have a future ahead of me now! I have something to occupy my time with, something that could well turn into my future carreer! YAY! X3
Also. 6 months with Josh next week. I was talking to Roz about it today actually..
Roz: How're things with you and your boyfriend then?
Me: Good actually. It's our 6 month anniversary next week.
Roz: 6 MONTHS!! That's shocking!
XD XD apparently the people at work know me better than i thought XD Oooooh, i'm going to be sad to leave, but happy to move on! So yeah, 6 months... We're going out to celebrate the fact that i'm still not bored of him XD Happy happy happy X3
AND MY DIGIMON DVD'S ARRIVED!!!! Digimon marathon at Amz's next weekend, la!!! Ruth and Tien are coming too, which should be awesome =3
AND i got invited to go out with Cal and Courtz some time before Courtney leaves for France. So yay, fun fun with new friends!
I'm back, i feel ok, just... Empty. I can't believe how much i'm losing, it's like everything is made of sand and it's just slipping through my fingers. Giles, my dear neighbor, passed away. I'm gutted, i've known him my whole life and it's just... surreal to think that he won't be around anymore. And seing Charlotte and Hilary so sad and lost is just upsetting for me.
I did go. I couldn't bare being in my house after losing my job, and then i hear that Giles is dead and i just left... Walked out with a bottle of wine and wandered around. I needed to be me for a while, because i've been covering up the real me for so long. I walked, and i cried, but i ended up throwing the wine away. Josh texted me to ask if i wanted to stay at his, as did Amz and they have no idea how much i appreciate that, but i just wanted to be on my own for a while. I'll see them both on monday anyway.
I'm starting to realise, thanks to a conversation i had with Ruth, that i need to motivate myself. I NEED to start working hard, doing what i need to do to get the grades i want so i can get the hell out of here and move on and away and hopefully up! But part of me doesn't want to do that... Part of me feels like something is missing here, and i can't leave until it's... i dont know... I feel sort of like i'd be running away if i left... Meh. Can't explain it. Oh well. Working all weekend but i can't see that i'll be terribly motivated since i've lost that job now. It sucks that they fire me but still expect me to come in and work hard as if i'm actually trying to keep the job. I'll go and see HR on Monday and see if there's any chance of negotiation, or if it's final. I really don't think it's fair to fire me because i was told by my doctor to take a break.
Never mind. That's life i suppose, but i can so see someone coming up to talk to me about it tomorrow and me just breaking down in tears. I'm not emotionally stable yet, i still can't control myself when i'm upset or angry and i have the worst mood swings ever. I'll blame it on the depression and anxiety and hope that with the help of a counsellor i can overcome this.
I'm just in a bad patch. Hopefully i'll be out of it soon or i might just explode.
I have a headache...
</ramble>
I've just lost my job. Worst day of my life. I can't believe it, i was so happy and motivated when i came in and now i can't stop crying. I need a drink, badly. I'm going to raid the wine cupboard...
You know what though. No job, no life, no future... I have absolutely nothing holding me to this place anymore. You know what that means? I'm leaving. Right now. I'm going to pack a bag and get the hell out of here while there's no one home.
I can't believe they fired me for taking a week off... I had a doctor's note and a psychiatrist's orders thing and everything, its not like i just skived it.. Bastards.. I don't care anymore, i might aswell go and throw myself off a fucking bridge... I have nothing left now. NOTHING. My job kept me going, though i hate to admit it, it's what helped me stay in touch with reality. It was something to take my mind off everything, and now i've lost it i just can't see the point...
Bye everyone. I love you all, i might see you again one day, but for now i just have to get the hell out of here.
Had fun last night at Gemma's =] Had a big rant to her before Josh arrived because... Well i've been pretty badly hurt recently and it's been hanging over my head, so i ended up yelling and screaming to Gem (but not crying surprisingly, i think i'm all out of tears). But she really helped, it's nice to know there's someone there that i can collapse on and cry when i need her XD
So anyway, Josh arrived and we just messed around really, listening to music, chilling really, it was nice =] Mark was trying to get Josh to go to Central, but Josh said he'd rather stay with me, which i thought was stupid so i poked him alot, but he still wouldn't go (didn't want to leave me apparently) which was sweet of him i suppose XD we just had a proper good laugh, three close friends just hanging out and having fun. It was nice. NICE NICE NICE! I feel happy and squishy inside X3
Me and Amz had a laugh today too XD Didn't go to any lessons again, i'm thinking of dropping out anyway but, whatever.. We went and got some kinder eggs and i got a pair of proper gypo beyblades XD so we were beyblading in the park with the theme tune playing and everything it was the funniest thing ever. The competition was 'who can smack the other person in the face with their beyblade first' it was hilarious at the time, no matter how childish it sounds XD Me and Amz have decided that next weekend when i'm not working we're going to get wrecked together, because 'we're on the same wavelength when we're drunk' apparently XD so we're going for a piss up at her house, possibly go out and meet up with Cheekbones and Topher afterwards. Should be good!
So yeah, feeling better now, staying alive at least! Oh and my phone fixed itself, and i got about 50 voicemails that people have left me over the last 3-ish weeks XD really made me giggle.. So yay, phone is working again! Happy day!!
I've given up being hurt and upset about things that have been said. I've decided that i don't care anymore. I've given up caring, because it just gets you hurt in the end. I don't want to wind up a cold and heartless bitch, but to be honest i'd rather be that than a warm and caring but heartbroken person XD s'all good though, makes me feel free in a way =]
That is all.
</ramble>
My phone has officially broke D8 It won't recieve texts properly anymore, and i can't ring people, get voicemails or go on the internet to check my text usage.. Or anything really, it just won't work.. bastard thing.. it's been screwing around for ages since Cal's party really so i think i must've shaken it up then or something... Oh well, whatever. Retard machine. Got a message from my mum today that she left me 5 days ago. Confused me o.O silly machine, i dont get on with technology.
Had a laugh today. Went to Ruth's coz i couldn't be arsed with school, too many people seem to be giving me the evil eye there at the moment XD Had a laugh with ruth amz and josh.. we basically made 5 parties worth of mess, then watched a movie called Con Air, which was surprisingly good.
Work was fun too. Messed around with Courtz as usual, but it's her last week next week and i'm going to miss her! It's just more fun when she's there... And with her gone it'll be me, Dan, Harry, Jack, Cal, Luke, Rob and Matt... So yeah, me and 7 guys ¬____¬ i will feel well and truly alienated XD
I've been thinking about leaving actually. Wrote a long, rambly, tearful entry in my hand-written journal and i dunno really... I'm just getting sick of this place. Same old routine, same old people, same old school, same old job, same old dramas... Life just seems to be getting more and more meaningless and i dont want to think like that when i know i have so much to live for... Might go and try and seek out my old stoner friends in London and see how they're doing... I could always stay with my nan down there, she's always said i can if i need to. Meh...
Oh my giddy aunt, in work today, Dan was being such a tard...
Me: *chatting to Cal (as you do)*
Dan: Oi you, stop flirting.
Cal: Eh?
Dan: That's my girlfriend.
Me: Excuse me? Don't i get a say in this?
Dan: No. You'll be getting a whipping when we get home.
Me: O rly??
Dan: You haven't said no.
Me: =____=;;
*tuts* men...
That is all.
</ramble>
Oh one more thing.. I think i may have the teensiest of crushes on Cal <.< >.> ...then again, i have the teensiest of crushes on most guys with piercings XD Ssssh, don't tell anyone! XD
...Jamaal really made me laugh today, playing with the horn on his dog... LOL that sounds so random...
Courtz:: "I might have a fag before i go to bed... Oh yeah, my bed is full of fags. Heh... I'm partial to a bit of a PUFF now and again. Ooooh yeah, you should see my bed when i'm going at those fags, it's SMOKIN!!!" <<<<< Gay/smoking pun, if you don't get it don't worry, but i found it hilarious XD XD
that really is it...
Gaaargh, my computer is le-broken so i'm sitting on my brother's crappy one which takes about five million years to do anything... Anyway, i dont feel much like typing or anything at the moment cuz i was in wrexham till 4am last night.. Basically, went to Amz's, pissed ourselves laughing at downs-syndrome
Chavs: Aaaaalriight ladeeeez.
Amz: Don't speak to me.
Chavs: Oooooh, arrogant bitches.
Amz: NORLY!!!
XD made me laugh. Had fun at Amz's today aswell, just slobbing about for the day. We bleached her hair and ate nacho's and watched Japanese horror movies all day, was a good laugh. My phone went spazzoid and decided to recieve 5 voicemails off my mum that she'd sent me at like 11 the night before (my phone is being slow recently o.O) which for some reason me and Amz found hilarious... Then my mum appeared at 5 and i went home and slobbed a bit more and that's about it really... I'm tired now so i'm going to get my shit together and go to bed so i can actually be alive to get the bus tomorrow XD
That is all.
</ramble>
Ugh, i really hate my mum right now.. This morning we had this conversation, which my brother heard and says he even remembers hearing:
Mum: when are you going to do your room then?
Me: I'll do it tomorrow coz i'm going out today then i'm going to Amy's tonight.
Mum: Ok, you want a lift then?
Me: Ya plz.
Now she's completely denying having had that conversation and is refusing to let me out of the goddamned house!!! Stupid bitchy cow... i hate her! She just manipulates everything.. one minute she's fine with me going to Amy's, the next thing i know it the conversation never happened and i'm not allowed to go for no adequately explored reason!! There's no point walking now... GOD parents are such jackasses... She's the one telling me i need to get out more, and then she inforces every law she can to keep me cooped up in my room! GRRRRRRRRRRRRR
I'm leaving, i'm going to freaking walk there if i freeze to death or it takes all night. And i'm not bloody going home tomorrow either, i'll find somewhere else to stay, i'm sick of this controlling cow trying to keep me under lock and key all the time.