..I hate how people speak to me in this house..
"Shut the fuck up, or i'll put you in a fucking hospital, you won't need to take any pills this time."
Is that really any way to speak to your 17 year old daughter, particularly infront of a 9 year old who is easily upset?
Why do i feel like i just don't belong anywhere?
I'm sure i was born into the wrong time in history... I feel so lost here...
</spam>
Been watching Jungle wa Itsumo Hale Nochi Guu for the last 3 hours. It's a brilliant anime, i urge everyone to watch it!!! It's so trippy and hilarious, i love it X3 It's all on youtube aswell, which is goooooooood. Means i don't have to spend any money XD
...i've managed to fill up 3 bin sacks with rubbish from my room today, which is harder than it sounds when you have to sort through everything with a finetooth bloody comb XD but it's done and i feel better.. Maybe mum will get off my back a bit now too. Going to the cinema tomorrow with her and my brother, so i think she's cooled down after the whole parents evening thing.. Did i write that in here? No i didn't... Basically she said that if i don't 'buck up my ideas' then she's pulling me out of 6th form, which is fair enough as i am a lazy twat. But she's also said that i'm not allowed to see Amz or Gemma again outside school, i'm not allowed out with the dudes from work after school, and if she catches me anywhere near Josh she's going to call the police (although they couldn't actually do anything). THAT, i think, is unreasonable. Maybe the going out after school and work isn't so unreasonable, considering how much i drink when i'm out with those guys.. but the not seeing Amz Josh and Gemma, two of my best friends and my boyfriend, is a bit harsh i feel.. Whatever, she's not going to stop me seeing them as i love all 3 of them to death and without them i probably would have exploded from stress by now. So mum's just going to have to get used to the fact that they're part of my life, whether she likes it or not.
Feeling very motivated and optimistic for some reason. Weird how that always seems to happen during the wee hours (it's nearly 2am here). Tomorrow i'll feel like shit and not want to do anything. Lee Evans is right, IT'S THE SLEEP THAT DOES IT!!!! XD But really, i'm feeling great, so hopefully i'll be able to finish my room, do a bit of art, and convince mum to let me go to Amz's since i was banned from going last night.
That is all.
</spam>
Cold isn't getting any better... It's been like 2 weeks ¬___¬ my throat is killing me >.<
I'll be on and off today, got alot to do.
That is all.
</spam>
Emotional rant, feel free to ignore, just need to vent a bit.
Hrrrmmmm... I dunno what to say really... Still feeling down, not sure why. I can't control my moods lately, and despite my vows to change myself i feel like i'm slipping back in to old ways. I can't control my moods, my emotions, my feelings.. Sometimes it even feels like i can't control my actions, and it's scary. Something tells me i'm looking for something, i just can't figure out what it is. I feel like i don't belong here, or anywhere at all really. I want to go and find whatever it is my subconscious seems to think i need to find. I want to run away from the pain and sadness that this place seems to be writhing with. It's like a dark cloud over me all the time, and i need to get away from it. So many bad memories lurking in corners waiting to jump out and bite me in the face when i feel like i'm beginning to win. I need to be somewhere new, somewhere fresh and different, where there's no shadows of the past lurking around to spite me. Somewhere where i can start making new memories to heal the wounds the old ones have left behind. That's what i want. But i can't run away, i can't leave, not for another two years and i don't know if i'll make it that far. To put it simply, it feels like i'm walking down a long road, and i can just about see my destination on the horizon, but my body is slowly crumbling away as i walk. I don't know if i'll manage to ever reach my destination... But i'm determined to try, to fight, to give it everything i've got. Because, in the end, that's the only way i'm ever going to get out of this horrible place, leave everyone and everything behind me and just start anew. Throw it all away. Yeah...
</spam>
Bah. Still confused about boy stuff. Saw him today, felt like my brain went into seizure. I very nearly fell down the stairs. I'm apparently not going to be getting over this for a while XD But i just need to keep thinking "You have a boyfriend, you have a boyfriend, no matter how gorgeous and amazing and unbelievably perfect the other guy is, you already have a boyfriend!!!" ...*grumbles*.
Work was boring tonight. I was close to tears by the time i got off jewellery simply because you get alot of time to think when you're just standing there for 4 hours doing nothing. And i did alot of thinking. I'm down at the moment, really down, trying my best to cover it up. Life's been cruel to me the last couple of months, but hopefully things'll start getting better after 2 weeks off over easter. Like i said, i'll fix every other broken thing in my life at the moment when i'm done fixing myself.
Josh bleached his hair. At first i thought it looked ridiculous, but it's kinda growing on me. Dying it blue and pink for him on Thursday. I'm sure he'll regret this XD
That is all.
</spam>
*sigh* We live in a sad, sad world. I just came accross someone's page on EP, and she has 'I support our troops and the war' spawled all over the top of her page. Then lower down she has 4 RIP memorials for loved ones she's lost in the war. How corrupt are the minds of people these days? I can't understand it.. If someone i loved died because of the war, i would instantly be against it (i'm against it anyway, but you get the idea).. How can you still support it after it has snatched away so many lives?? The world is just full of all this unnecessary suffering and it's just wrong... Not wrong that it exists, wrong that we just accept it as if it doesn't matter. 'It's not us, why should we care?' ..But it could be! It could be us! Tomorrow a bomb could go off and kill half your family. Then it would matter, wouldn't it?? Gah... I just can't understand why people are so blind to all this! Maybe i think too much, i don't know... It just all seems to warped and messed up to me, and i don't get why no one else seems to be able to see it but me. Ignorance is considered a good thing these days... Bah.
On a lighter (ha) and less ranty-at-the-w
That is all.
</ramble>
Abrneoaipsgjop
This is a problem i have o.O I get obsessed with things, and those things tend to take over my life completely for a while. I can't just like something, i have to be totally and utterly obsessed with it. Deary me.
Naruto manga made me laugh this week, though it was a predictable end that i've seen in a couple of doujinshi's now, actually. I still think it would have been better if Sasuke died and Itachi reigned supreme, but unfortunately the bad guys never win. Which is a shame, because 9 times out of 10 the bad guys are cooler. I just want to poke Itachi in the head now, bless him =3
Got nothing to do now, i'll either go to bed or go back on Black and White, i haven't decided yet.
Project Gender Bender is underway (Y)
No one will have the faintest idea what i'm talking about. Except [imperfectionist] of course XD
</ramble>
Nina: Hey, have you got a stepladder in there?
Me: *not paying attention*
Nina: OI! STEPLADDER!
Me: ARGH! Your face looks like a stepladder!!!
Nina: .....That wasn't the question o.O
Me: *giggling fit*
Nina: *shakes head and walks off*
I'm so glad i managed to save my job!
Home now, internet's back, i'll reply to messages soon!
What's happened the last couples of days...
- Went out with Courtz and Linz, got utterly wankered, ended up asleep under a sign on the main road. Mum had to come and find me at 1am.
- Naturally i wasn't allowed to go to Amz's due to bad behavior the night before, so i spent the day owning on Devil May Cry.
- Moved into the computer room so i can decorate my actual room.
- Had a fire drill at work and got in trouble for pretending to be a casualty.
- Did what i think is the best drawing i've ever done.
- Went out drinking with Nob Job and Carl and had a right old laugh. Nob Job payed for a taxi home for me, which was very sweet of him.
- Spent an evening playing Black and White with Nob Job instead of going to Pentre XD I'm glad i did, it gave me an opportunity to rant and cry at someone.
- Saved my job with much grovelling and the help of one of my worst enemies. Funny how things turn out.
- Accidentally got paid double my normal wage due to what i'm assuming is a mess up in HR. I don't think i'll mention it to anyone XD
- Went on a shopping spree with my mum and bought a shit load of new stuff, which makes me happy.
- Discovered that i make a very convincing boy when i wog my fringe over and put my hood up.
That is all.
</ramble>
HI GAIZ!!! On my mum's computer at her work, my internet isn't working so i won't be on for a while! I'll reply to all my messages sooooon i promise! Just letting y'all know i haven't died or anything! Luv u all! Tatty bye!
</spam>
I just absolutely pissed myself laughing at Orochimaru's 'big resurrection' on Naruto. I genuinely fell on the floor laughing, i found it so hilarious XD
I'm going to do some art now cuz i feel all inspired for some reason. Nomnomnom.
Really looking forward to going out with Courtz and Linz tonight. Imagine that, getting drunk with my boss! Going to be a right laugh i think! I hope so anyway.. I don't plan on getting too drunk, the last thing i need is to be throwing up infront of my work peeps, that would be embarassing to the max XD
I'll save the throwing up for at Amz's XD XD DIGIMON MARATHON AHOY!!! <3 <3 <3
6 months with Josh tomorrow. CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S BEEN THAT LONG!! XD a whole half a year =O shocking.
Happy today ^_^
Can't type properly thought o.O
That is all.
</ramble>
I've been talking with my mum about this whole job thing.. Chances are the situation won't be negotiable, in which case i'll be jobless. I'll try my best to get another job but... My mum suggested that i go away to Israel to stay in a Kibbutz for the summer holidays. It'll both give me a chance to get away from here for a while and also travel like i've always wanted to! My mum and dad worked on a kibbutz for a year when they were younger, and they both had an amazing time... I would love to go too! The one i'm considering applying for is right near the dead sea, and i've always wanted to go there. It would be such an amazing experience for me and i think it would do me good to get away from this place and it's people for a couple of months. The work on a kibbutz is hard and you get paid in peanuts pretty much, but they pay for your keep and your food for as long as you want to stay. I just think it sounds amazing.. Everything's arranged for you by the agency, all i would have to do is pay for my flight and insurance and i'd be off! Ooooh i really want to go now, i can't wait! Sod work, sod worrying about everything, out there you're one big family and you work for your keep and nothing else. It's more basic, more simplistic, and so much more inviting than the hectic lifestyle we're forced to live here... I can't wait!
In other news.. I feel better today =] going out with Courtz tonight and going to Amz's tomorrow, so should be a good weekend =]
That is all.
</ramble>
Feeling ill... I stayed at Gem's last night and i was really sick in the night =( we ended up getting up at 2am because i was shaking so much and i was in and out of the bathroom every 5 minutes so there was no point in trying to sleep. Me and Gem went downstairs and had tea and watched tv for a few hours, which was good =) Eugh, i pretty much just slept on and off all day today, still feeling really sick. We worked on the storyline for our characters Loki and Phoenix, and it's looking pretty good, which is cool =) Still feeling really sick, so i don't know if i'm going to school tomorrow.. Might give it a miss, go to work and try and sort out this job, talk to Courtz and then see if i feel well enough to go out for a few drinks with her later on..
Had fun with Amz in chester yesterday though =3 We got attacked in the street by a cute guy who was asking us about skate shoes, and Amz scared him off with her weird reasoning and rants about Digimon XD Ooooh, speaking of which.. When we went to the toy shop thing on the market and bought a whole box of digimon stickers, we noticed a sign saying there was a Yugioh tournament! We decided there and then that we're going to it and we were both nearly suffocating from laughter discussing what we were going to do to cause havok XD Aaah man, it's going to be fun.
Anyway. I think i'm going to bed now, i don't feel well at all, i think i might be burning up because i feel really hot despite the fact that i'm sitting in a t-shirt and shorts next to the open patio door.. Bleh..
That is all.
</ramble>
My dog is dreaming...
She's such a spazz when she dreams, seriously...
It's just *spazz spazz spazz grunt growl spazz bark spazz* ...crazy animal.
Tired now.
Bed i think.
Hope i dream about Dani Filth again >=3 I did last night and it was a suhweeeeet dream! Me and him were playing a drinking game, which is a pretty good game considering i came up with it in my sleep... Basically someone poured you a shot while you were blindfolded and you had to drink it and guess what it was. If you guessed right you were safe, but if you guessed wrong you had to down another shot until you got it right or passed out. It was a good game, and an awesome dream! I was genuinely upset when i woke up and realised i hadn't been up all night drinking with Dani Filth D8
</spam>
Work cheered me up =] it always does, i always have such a laugh with Courtz.. I'm going to miss her sooo much =O lucky cow getting to go and live in France! Lolol, cow... Cow in a rucksack.. BACK TRACKS, ASS CRACKS!!! And do the Sue dance!! *shuffle!!!* ...That is pretty much how me and Courtz's conversations go. Because we are the 'mad jewellery girls'. We got Dan well and truly today. He spent the whole evening trying to stick security tags to me and Courtz, without noticing that we'd stuck a few to him XD He would have set all the alarms off when he went out if he hadn't figured it out XD Aaah he's cool, he went up a notch in my cool book after he told me all the things he did for his mum on mothers day. I like a guy with a soft spot XD Harry and Jack are being funny with us, but feh, twins *shakes head* ...Yeeeeah. Made another new friend today, Craig. He's really nice, but he thinks me and Courtz are crazy <.< >.>
Hrrrm... About my mood before... I've been up and down alot recently. One minute i'll be on top of the world, the next i'll be the exact opposite, crying my eyes out for no reason. I guess it's just life and hormones, we all have to go through it at some point, it just seems to hit me harder for some reason o.O Oh well... As long as i get through it reasonably unscathed then i'm not bothered. As long as one day i can look back on all this as an experience that taught me alot and hopefully toughened me up a bit... I'll be happy then. Living on my farm in Ireland with my two kids and two dogs (Saluki and Husky fyi XD) ...You can tell i've thought about this way to much <.< >.> whatever. I want to prove to myself that i can pull myself through this ON MY OWN. Because if i can't rely on myself to be strong, who can i rely on? I'm sick of other people always having to be strong for me, it's my turn to be the tough one for once!
Omg, the weirdest thing ever happened last night.. I was lying in my bed going to sleep, and i SWEAR that my character Rio (who i'm very much obsessed with because he's so very like me XD) sat on the end of my bed and said 'You'll be ok, kiddo.' I SWEAR i heard his voice and felt a weight on the end of my bed, it was the creepiest thing ever. I just sat straight up and went 'why are you in my room, Ethan?!' because i thought it was my brother, but there was no one there o.O I'm bloody hearing my characters comforting me, that's a worrying sign XD But they're kind of a part of me i guess.. Every one of them is a different side of me, Rio's just the one i'm closest too... As such i dream about him alot, draw him alot, and now apparently hear him talking to me o.O and i thought my life couldn't get any weirder XD
Oh well. I'm slowly but surely coming through this mental block i've had recently. And i'm proud of myself, because i've done it on my own, and that's what i want. Once i'm through, out of the dark, then i'll start fixing all the mess i've made while pulling myself together. But for now, i need to fix me.
That is all.
</spam>
Felt sick today, came home at dinner time..
Don't feel much like myself anymore... don't even feel human to be honest...
I've got alot on my mind. Too much, it's starting to drive me crazy.
I've got work now, don't really feel like it.
Am i doing the right thing? I don't know anymore.. i'm trying but i don't seem to be getting anywhere... I look in the mirror and i don't even recognise myself. I look at my friends and i don't recognise them either. It's like i'm a stranger in this world all over again... I'm stuck here in a vicious circle, and i don't know how to escape.
I don't even know who i am anymore.
Goddamn it.
Is life this confusing for everyone? And if it is, why can everyone else seem to cope?? Why do i seem to be the only one who feels like i have a big, angry ball of blackness inside me that just wants to rip out and kill everyone? Does everyone feel like this and they just don't mention it??
Why do i feel like two people?
Why do i hate everyone, even though i know i should care about them?
Why do i have fantasies about ripping people open, KILLING people, i'm supposed to love and care about?
Why do i enjoy hurting people so much? Does it make me feel powerful, in control? I don't even know...
Why am i like this? Why can't i change? Why can't i just stop it and be normal like everyone else?!?!
I'm scared...
OH MAI GIDDY AUNT!!! I really need to stop procrastinatin
Me: *eating a cake*
Mum: The dog wouldn't even go out and chase rabbits before, because i was eating one.
Me: ...you were eating a rabbit???
Mum: Yeah... What? No! A cake you doris!
Me: Ooooooh...
XD parents... and misunderstandi
Sleep now.
HOSHIT art coursework.. you know what, screw it. I'll hand in what i've done and see if i can get an leeeeetle extension on the rest of it... If not, then feh, oh dear and whoopsie daisy, i'll just have to work super hard to get everything finished. Or something. I have no idea.
SLEEP GODDAMNIT!!!!
Night luvs ^___^
</spam>
Tiiiired. Cbaaaaaaaaaa. Wanna go to beeeeeeed. But i can't be arsed going all the way upstairs to my roooooooom... I feel ill and i have a stomach ache. And i'm actually looking forward to work tomorrow o.O probz because i'm with Courtz, and it's always more fun with her XD
I really need sleep now, i have no idea why i'm even writing this.. *coughPROCRAST
*ponders* happy for myself maybe... things are going my way again, sort of. WELL. Amz isn't in tomorrow, so i'm going to take the opportunity to go and talk to miss Batten. I've been skipping school alot recently, i'm not really sure why... I just felt so down and out of it last week i couldn't bare to be there. But since i now feel like things are improving, or at least today they seem to be improving, i think i need to go and have a word with ALL my teachers, apologise for my behaviour and ask for a second chance. No more skipping school with Amz, no more excuses. Time to knuckle down and get some work done so i can do what i WANT to do in life, which is get through art college, travel the world, settle down in Ireland and have two kids two dogs and a cat XD That's my ideal future. Yeah. Selfish? Of course i am. Because i've always been the kind of person to put me, myself and i first. Always have, always will. I'm selfish, selfish, selfish. But in being selfish i get what i want, and in getting what i want i move onwards in the direction i want to go. Sounds harsh, yeah i know that, but i want alot and i intend to get it. I want to look back on this breakdown and think 'Ha, loser.' The one advantage of being a Johnson. We want, we get. We trample over people as we do so, we hurt alot of people and make alot of friends, we rip ourselves down to the bare bone at least 5 times a year, but we get over it fast and move on quickly. Tis the Johnson way! And i intend to use every ounce of that raw selfishness to get myself as far in life as i possibly can. Decision made, thank you for your input, goodnight.
</rant>
Hoooooome, finally. Dan made me feel better today, and i'm not really sure why, he just made me laugh when i needed it most =3 ...The nicest thing in the world happened to me to day, such a nice send off from my job! This customer came up and said 'are you ok, love, you look really stressed out'.. and i was kinda taken aback, but i suppose i probably did look stressed because it was really busy today... Anyway, i told him that i'm just going through a bad patch at the moment.. And then he dissapeared and came back with a box of chocolates for me! It was just the nicest gesture from a stranger, i nearly cried. What a nice guy =3
Then Dan made me giggle:
Me: How much of a fortune did you spend on your mum then?
Dan: £85 on this massive teddy and some roses.
Me: FO SRSLY?!?! That's alot..
Dan: Yeah, she cried and i was like 'aaah, fuck off...'
Me: *XD* oh that's nice..
Dan: Yeah. "Happy mothers day. Now fuck off."
Me: I'm sure your mother loves you.
Dan: Loves me like rabies *^___^*
and i shook my head at him XD he's so sweet though, it'll be sad leaving him and all the other nutters behind (especially Cal *shifty*).. BUT! You may have noticed that i'm not utterly depressed about losing the job anymore. NO I'M NOT! Because i've come up with a new way to make money! On my last wage, i'm going round charity shops and cheapy shops and buying all the cheapest, crappyest clothes i can find. Then i'm going to Aberkan and buying a shit load of fabric and lace, and i'm going to start customising clothes and selling them on Ebay! I reckon after i get a little publicity i can even start taking requests for custom designs, such as people chosing their own colour schemes and patterns.. My parents are all for the idea and mum even said she'd fund me until it gets going properly! That'll be a good thing to put on my CV 'Own business at 17' XD and it'll be a good way to rake in the cash so i can travel after college. Oh i'm so happy happy happy! This is wonderful, i feel like i actually have a future ahead of me now! I have something to occupy my time with, something that could well turn into my future carreer! YAY! X3
Also. 6 months with Josh next week. I was talking to Roz about it today actually..
Roz: How're things with you and your boyfriend then?
Me: Good actually. It's our 6 month anniversary next week.
Roz: 6 MONTHS!! That's shocking!
XD XD apparently the people at work know me better than i thought XD Oooooh, i'm going to be sad to leave, but happy to move on! So yeah, 6 months... We're going out to celebrate the fact that i'm still not bored of him XD Happy happy happy X3
AND MY DIGIMON DVD'S ARRIVED!!!! Digimon marathon at Amz's next weekend, la!!! Ruth and Tien are coming too, which should be awesome =3
AND i got invited to go out with Cal and Courtz some time before Courtney leaves for France. So yay, fun fun with new friends!
I'm back, i feel ok, just... Empty. I can't believe how much i'm losing, it's like everything is made of sand and it's just slipping through my fingers. Giles, my dear neighbor, passed away. I'm gutted, i've known him my whole life and it's just... surreal to think that he won't be around anymore. And seing Charlotte and Hilary so sad and lost is just upsetting for me.
I did go. I couldn't bare being in my house after losing my job, and then i hear that Giles is dead and i just left... Walked out with a bottle of wine and wandered around. I needed to be me for a while, because i've been covering up the real me for so long. I walked, and i cried, but i ended up throwing the wine away. Josh texted me to ask if i wanted to stay at his, as did Amz and they have no idea how much i appreciate that, but i just wanted to be on my own for a while. I'll see them both on monday anyway.
I'm starting to realise, thanks to a conversation i had with Ruth, that i need to motivate myself. I NEED to start working hard, doing what i need to do to get the grades i want so i can get the hell out of here and move on and away and hopefully up! But part of me doesn't want to do that... Part of me feels like something is missing here, and i can't leave until it's... i dont know... I feel sort of like i'd be running away if i left... Meh. Can't explain it. Oh well. Working all weekend but i can't see that i'll be terribly motivated since i've lost that job now. It sucks that they fire me but still expect me to come in and work hard as if i'm actually trying to keep the job. I'll go and see HR on Monday and see if there's any chance of negotiation, or if it's final. I really don't think it's fair to fire me because i was told by my doctor to take a break.
Never mind. That's life i suppose, but i can so see someone coming up to talk to me about it tomorrow and me just breaking down in tears. I'm not emotionally stable yet, i still can't control myself when i'm upset or angry and i have the worst mood swings ever. I'll blame it on the depression and anxiety and hope that with the help of a counsellor i can overcome this.
I'm just in a bad patch. Hopefully i'll be out of it soon or i might just explode.
I have a headache...
</ramble>
I've just lost my job. Worst day of my life. I can't believe it, i was so happy and motivated when i came in and now i can't stop crying. I need a drink, badly. I'm going to raid the wine cupboard...
You know what though. No job, no life, no future... I have absolutely nothing holding me to this place anymore. You know what that means? I'm leaving. Right now. I'm going to pack a bag and get the hell out of here while there's no one home.
I can't believe they fired me for taking a week off... I had a doctor's note and a psychiatrist's orders thing and everything, its not like i just skived it.. Bastards.. I don't care anymore, i might aswell go and throw myself off a fucking bridge... I have nothing left now. NOTHING. My job kept me going, though i hate to admit it, it's what helped me stay in touch with reality. It was something to take my mind off everything, and now i've lost it i just can't see the point...
Bye everyone. I love you all, i might see you again one day, but for now i just have to get the hell out of here.