*sigh* for all my optimism before, i've slipped back into a very down mood... I had a row with my parents again, and for once i was just trying to stay calm... But it made no difference...

Mum: You can do your room after you've done the dishes.
Me: It's not fair that i'm expected to do my room plus other chores and Ethan does nothing...
Dad: You're going the right way for a punch in the face, girl.
Me: ...I'll call social services if you do... I'm sick of this...
Dad: Shut the fuck up you snotty little bitch.

...And i just walked away. I could have lost my temper with him, i could have screamed and kicked up a fuss, but i didn't. Because i hate fighting and arguing, i just wish they'd see things from my point of view once in a while, since i've tried so hard to put myself in their shoes and work hard and try to better myself. But i still get treated like crap, i feel like the serving maid. If my dad talked to my brother like that my mum would go insane with him, but she just turns a blind eye when he swears at me or hits me or intimidates and threatens me... I don't want to be scared of my dad, but i am, i'm terrified of him. And i'm terrified that i'm going to be like him when i'm older. Part of me wishes i was adopted... At least that would explain the feeling that i'm living with the wrong family. I know there's alot of people who have it worse, but it's no fun being treated like a dog by your dad no matter who you are... In fact he treats the dog better than me, always trying to scare me and see how far he can push it, like he enjoys seeing me cry. And my mum does nothing about it, and my brother doesn't care either. I feel closer to the cat than i do to any of my other family members and that's so sad.

I really, really hope that i was adopted...

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Sooo tiiiiiiiiiiiired ¬____¬ Been cleaning and cleaning none stop for a couple of days, with marathons of Hale Nochi Guu in between cleaning. Yesterday i had a total spazz and ripped all my posters off my walls in a frenzy of poster ripping madness. I have no idea why, i just lost my temper with the walls for some reason. Oh well, i feel better throwing all my old stuff away, it's helping me with this whole 'new start' thing. My counsellor says there's still some 'issues' to address, like my short temper and emotional instability... One minute i'm fine, the next i'm breaking down in tears, the next i'm viciously attacking whatever happens to be closest to me... Eh, it's gonna take more work than i thought to change who i am, but i think it's about time i did. Amazingly, it was Guu who actually got me in the frame of mind to change. She said "You talk about changing, when actually all you're doing is sitting around waiting for those around you to change. If you want to change yourself, you have to get up and act, you're not going to achieve anything sitting here feeling sorry for yourself." and it's true. All this time i've just been waiting for the world to change around me, so i can get my own way. I'm so used to having people fall at my feet and do as i say, having my mum cave in with every fight, my family walking on eggshells around me and my teachers giving in when i argue... It's given me a feeling of power that's not good for me, and i need to change that. I'm acting like a spoilt brat, and that NEEDS to change. I need to stop being so pessimistic too, i have lots to look forward to, i just need to remember that whenever i feel down.

So. Project Fix Beki starts today, and ends when i feel that i'm the person i want to be. I'm not saying i don't like who i am now, there's definately a sadistic side of me who likes all this control and power i have over other people, but i think it all needs to be pushed down until later in life when i might need to be able to take control. But until then, i need to get rid of the Hitler in me and start trying to bring out the Mother Theresa XD I know there's a good person in here somewhere, i just have to find her!

That is all.

</ramble>

Ahahaha, i just let a load off by having a massive, huge, explosive rant at a stupid retard girl on one of the forums i go to who was typing 'lYk DiS' despite the fact that in the rules it specifically states not to. Basically: (I'm Dogmatic, Magenta is an old Youtube buddy, and.. Well no need to explain who the other one is ¬____¬) 

Dogmatic: Jesus christ what the hell is wrong with you?!?! Can you not read? Were you brought up in a portaloo on mould and Rizla's?! Do you have something wrong with you?!?! Or is your keyboard broken and this is just a big misunderstanding??? For one thing, stop putting z's on the end of everything, it doesn't make you look cool, it gives you a virtual lisp and you look stupid!!! For another thing, no one here likes you! You're scum, you're going to be a public toilet cleaner when you grow up, you'll live in a broom cupboard with 5 benefit babies, a granny that smells of urine and lavatory disinfectant and a fleabitten old cat with a snotty nose!!!!! THAT IS YOUR FUTURE I TELL YOU!!!! _{Unless you stop typing like that, then your prediction will change, am i right Mags?}

Magenta: GO CLEAN TOILETS IN HELL!!!

CuTiE69: Ur BoTh BiTcH3z!!!

And then she left and me and Mags had a right old laugh. Well it was more a right old 'LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL we're so banned...' XD Oh well, it cheered me up.

Ooooh i sounds like such a bitch, but really, you had to be there. If you'd seen some of the things she was typing, you'd understand why i lost my rag. Well maybe you wouldn't, but i do!!!! I'd copy and paste everything that was said if i could be bothered...

But i can't.

Off to watch Jungle wa Itsumo Hale Nochi Guu DELUXE!!!! X3

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..I hate how people speak to me in this house..

"Shut the fuck up, or i'll put you in a fucking hospital, you won't need to take any pills this time."

Is that really any way to speak to your 17 year old daughter, particularly infront of a 9 year old who is easily upset?

Why do i feel like i just don't belong anywhere?

I'm sure i was born into the wrong time in history... I feel so lost here...

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Been watching Jungle wa Itsumo Hale Nochi Guu for the last 3 hours. It's a brilliant anime, i urge everyone to watch it!!! It's so trippy and hilarious, i love it X3 It's all on youtube aswell, which is goooooooood. Means i don't have to spend any money XD

...i've managed to fill up 3 bin sacks with rubbish from my room today, which is harder than it sounds when you have to sort through everything with a finetooth bloody comb XD but it's done and i feel better.. Maybe mum will get off my back a bit now too. Going to the cinema tomorrow with her and my brother, so i think she's cooled down after the whole parents evening thing.. Did i write that in here? No i didn't... Basically she said that if i don't 'buck up my ideas' then she's pulling me out of 6th form, which is fair enough as i am a lazy twat. But she's also said that i'm not allowed to see Amz or Gemma again outside school, i'm not allowed out with the dudes from work after school, and if she catches me anywhere near Josh she's going to call the police (although they couldn't actually do anything). THAT, i think, is unreasonable. Maybe the going out after school and work isn't so unreasonable, considering how much i drink when i'm out with those guys.. but the not seeing Amz Josh and Gemma, two of my best friends and my boyfriend, is a bit harsh i feel.. Whatever, she's not going to stop me seeing them as i love all 3 of them to death and without them i probably would have exploded from stress by now. So mum's just going to have to get used to the fact that they're part of my life, whether she likes it or not.

Feeling very motivated and optimistic for some reason. Weird how that always seems to happen during the wee hours (it's nearly 2am here). Tomorrow i'll feel like shit and not want to do anything. Lee Evans is right, IT'S THE SLEEP THAT DOES IT!!!! XD But really, i'm feeling great, so hopefully i'll be able to finish my room, do a bit of art, and convince mum to let me go to Amz's since i was banned from going last night.

That is all.

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Cold isn't getting any better... It's been like 2 weeks ¬___¬ my throat is killing me >.<

I'll be on and off today, got alot to do.

That is all.

</spam>

Emotional rant, feel free to ignore, just need to vent a bit.

Hrrrmmmm... I dunno what to say really... Still feeling down, not sure why. I can't control my moods lately, and despite my vows to change myself i feel like i'm slipping back in to old ways. I can't control my moods, my emotions, my feelings.. Sometimes it even feels like i can't control my actions, and it's scary. Something tells me i'm looking for something, i just can't figure out what it is. I feel like i don't belong here, or anywhere at all really. I want to go and find whatever it is my subconscious seems to think i need to find. I want to run away from the pain and sadness that this place seems to be writhing with. It's like a dark cloud over me all the time, and i need to get away from it. So many bad memories lurking in corners waiting to jump out and bite me in the face when i feel like i'm beginning to win. I need to be somewhere new, somewhere fresh and different, where there's no shadows of the past lurking around to spite me. Somewhere where i can start making new memories to heal the wounds the old ones have left behind. That's what i want. But i can't run away, i can't leave, not for another two years and i don't know if i'll make it that far. To put it simply, it feels like i'm walking down a long road, and i can just about see my destination on the horizon, but my body is slowly crumbling away as i walk. I don't know if i'll manage to ever reach my destination... But i'm determined to try, to fight, to give it everything i've got. Because, in the end, that's the only way i'm ever going to get out of this horrible place, leave everyone and everything behind me and just start anew. Throw it all away. Yeah...


</spam>

Bah. Still confused about boy stuff. Saw him today, felt like my brain went into seizure. I very nearly fell down the stairs. I'm apparently not going to be getting over this for a while XD But i just need to keep thinking "You have a boyfriend, you have a boyfriend, no matter how gorgeous and amazing and unbelievably perfect the other guy is, you already have a boyfriend!!!" ...*grumbles*... I hope i'm doing the right thing in just hoping that it's a crush and it'll blow over eventually... Meh.

Work was boring tonight. I was close to tears by the time i got off jewellery simply because you get alot of time to think when you're just standing there for 4 hours doing nothing. And i did alot of thinking. I'm down at the moment, really down, trying my best to cover it up. Life's been cruel to me the last couple of months, but hopefully things'll start getting better after 2 weeks off over easter. Like i said, i'll fix every other broken thing in my life at the moment when i'm done fixing myself.

Josh bleached his hair. At first i thought it looked ridiculous, but it's kinda growing on me. Dying it blue and pink for him on Thursday. I'm sure he'll regret this XD

That is all.

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*sigh* We live in a sad, sad world. I just came accross someone's page on EP, and she has 'I support our troops and the war' spawled all over the top of her page. Then lower down she has 4 RIP memorials for loved ones she's lost in the war. How corrupt are the minds of people these days? I can't understand it.. If someone i loved died because of the war, i would instantly be against it (i'm against it anyway, but you get the idea).. How can you still support it after it has snatched away so many lives?? The world is just full of all this unnecessary suffering and it's just wrong... Not wrong that it exists, wrong that we just accept it as if it doesn't matter. 'It's not us, why should we care?' ..But it could be! It could be us! Tomorrow a bomb could go off and kill half your family. Then it would matter, wouldn't it?? Gah... I just can't understand why people are so blind to all this! Maybe i think too much, i don't know... It just all seems to warped and messed up to me, and i don't get why no one else seems to be able to see it but me. Ignorance is considered a good thing these days... Bah.

On a lighter (ha) and less ranty-at-the-whole-world note, i had fun in work today despite the fact that i was on a 9 hour overtime shift. It was fun coz all the cool people were on overtime too, so i had lots of people to talk to =] I'm developing a worrying sense of wanting-to-be-single again due to the presence of a certain person in my workplace. Have you ever got that feeling, when that person is walking towards you and it feels like your stomach is doing the high jump and using your heart as a landing mat? And then they talk to you and it just feels like all your internal organs have shot out of your arse and you have no idea what to do or say so you do something stupid like poke yourself in the eye with your own pricing gun? No, neither have i. NEVER. Until now... I've never been awkward around guys, i just find it incredibly easy to talk to them and get on with them and.. Be one of them almost. The only guy i've ever been a bit fumbly around was Isaac and i got over that in about 3 seconds. But i've been working with this person for several months and i still haven't got over my giddy-school-girl act whenever i see him/talk to him. It's bumming me out because it's causing some severe emotional conflict in my brain. I like him, that's obvious, but part of me thinks that i'm just enjoying the opportunity to be away from Josh for a while and have some time to be me (ie a flirty, cocky, over-the-top 17 year old). Another part of me thinks that i might genuinely be falling head over heals for him, in which case what the hell do i do??? Why do i always end up like this... No guys for ages, i finally get a boyfriend, i'm happy as larry for a while and then along comes mister-perfect-guy-i've-always-dreamed-of... JESUS WEPT. Oh well, i'll just see how it turns out i suppose...

That is all.

</ramble>

Abrneoaipsgjopreawgresw >.< *collapses* I'm tiiiiiiiiired. Very very tired, and i'm working 9 hours overtime tomorrow so i should definately be in bed instead of at the computer, considering it's nearly 2am... BUT I'M ADDICTED TO BLACK AND WHITE!!! Curse you Amz for getting my hooked on this bloody game >.< I can so see this being like my RS phase was over the summer, when i'd sit up on the computer until 5am, get up at 11am and go straight back on the computer, only pausing to eat and walk the dog when my mum made me. It was ridiculous XD

This is a problem i have o.O I get obsessed with things, and those things tend to take over my life completely for a while. I can't just like something, i have to be totally and utterly obsessed with it. Deary me.

Naruto manga made me laugh this week, though it was a predictable end that i've seen in a couple of doujinshi's now, actually. I still think it would have been better if Sasuke died and Itachi reigned supreme, but unfortunately the bad guys never win. Which is a shame, because 9 times out of 10 the bad guys are cooler. I just want to poke Itachi in the head now, bless him =3

Got nothing to do now, i'll either go to bed or go back on Black and White, i haven't decided yet.

Project Gender Bender is underway (Y)

No one will have the faintest idea what i'm talking about. Except [imperfectionist] of course XD

</ramble>

Nina: Hey, have you got a stepladder in there?
Me: *not paying attention*
Nina: OI! STEPLADDER!
Me: ARGH! Your face looks like a stepladder!!!
Nina: .....That wasn't the question o.O
Me: *giggling fit*
Nina: *shakes head and walks off*

I'm so glad i managed to save my job!

Home now, internet's back, i'll reply to messages soon!

What's happened the last couples of days...

- Went out with Courtz and Linz, got utterly wankered, ended up asleep under a sign on the main road. Mum had to come and find me at 1am.
- Naturally i wasn't allowed to go to Amz's due to bad behavior the night before, so i spent the day owning on Devil May Cry.
- Moved into the computer room so i can decorate my actual room.
- Had a fire drill at work and got in trouble for pretending to be a casualty.
- Did what i think is the best drawing i've ever done.
- Went out drinking with Nob Job and Carl and had a right old laugh. Nob Job payed for a taxi home for me, which was very sweet of him.
- Spent an evening playing Black and White with Nob Job instead of going to Pentre XD I'm glad i did, it gave me an opportunity to rant and cry at someone.
- Saved my job with much grovelling and the help of one of my worst enemies. Funny how things turn out.
- Accidentally got paid double my normal wage due to what i'm assuming is a mess up in HR. I don't think i'll mention it to anyone XD
- Went on a shopping spree with my mum and bought a shit load of new stuff, which makes me happy.
- Discovered that i make a very convincing boy when i wog my fringe over and put my hood up.

That is all.

</ramble>

HI GAIZ!!! On my mum's computer at her work, my internet isn't working so i won't be on for a while! I'll reply to all my messages sooooon i promise! Just letting y'all know i haven't died or anything! Luv u all! Tatty bye!

</spam>

I just absolutely pissed myself laughing at Orochimaru's 'big resurrection' on Naruto. I genuinely fell on the floor laughing, i found it so hilarious XD

I'm going to do some art now cuz i feel all inspired for some reason. Nomnomnom.

Really looking forward to going out with Courtz and Linz tonight. Imagine that, getting drunk with my boss! Going to be a right laugh i think! I hope so anyway.. I don't plan on getting too drunk, the last thing i need is to be throwing up infront of my work peeps, that would be embarassing to the max XD

I'll save the throwing up for at Amz's XD XD DIGIMON MARATHON AHOY!!! <3 <3 <3

6 months with Josh tomorrow. CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S BEEN THAT LONG!! XD a whole half a year =O shocking.

Happy today ^_^

Can't type properly thought o.O

That is all.

</ramble>

I've been talking with my mum about this whole job thing.. Chances are the situation won't be negotiable, in which case i'll be jobless. I'll try my best to get another job but... My mum suggested that i go away to Israel to stay in a Kibbutz for the summer holidays. It'll both give me a chance to get away from here for a while and also travel like i've always wanted to! My mum and dad worked on a kibbutz for a year when they were younger, and they both had an amazing time... I would love to go too! The one i'm considering applying for is right near the dead sea, and i've always wanted to go there. It would be such an amazing experience for me and i think it would do me good to get away from this place and it's people for a couple of months. The work on a kibbutz is hard and you get paid in peanuts pretty much, but they pay for your keep and your food for as long as you want to stay. I just think it sounds amazing.. Everything's arranged for you by the agency, all i would have to do is pay for my flight and insurance and i'd be off! Ooooh i really want to go now, i can't wait! Sod work, sod worrying about everything, out there you're one big family and you work for your keep and nothing else. It's more basic, more simplistic, and so much more inviting than the hectic lifestyle we're forced to live here... I can't wait!

In other news.. I feel better today =] going out with Courtz tonight and going to Amz's tomorrow, so should be a good weekend =]

That is all.

</ramble>

Feeling ill... I stayed at Gem's last night and i was really sick in the night =( we ended up getting up at 2am because i was shaking so much and i was in and out of the bathroom every 5 minutes so there was no point in trying to sleep. Me and Gem went downstairs and had tea and watched tv for a few hours, which was good =) Eugh, i pretty much just slept on and off all day today, still feeling really sick. We worked on the storyline for our characters Loki and Phoenix, and it's looking pretty good, which is cool =) Still feeling really sick, so i don't know if i'm going to school tomorrow.. Might give it a miss, go to work and try and sort out this job, talk to Courtz and then see if i feel well enough to go out for a few drinks with her later on..

Had fun with Amz in chester yesterday though =3 We got attacked in the street by a cute guy who was asking us about skate shoes, and Amz scared him off with her weird reasoning and rants about Digimon XD Ooooh, speaking of which.. When we went to the toy shop thing on the market and bought a whole box of digimon stickers, we noticed a sign saying there was a Yugioh tournament! We decided there and then that we're going to it and we were both nearly suffocating from laughter discussing what we were going to do to cause havok XD Aaah man, it's going to be fun.

Anyway. I think i'm going to bed now, i don't feel well at all, i think i might be burning up because i feel really hot despite the fact that i'm sitting in a t-shirt and shorts next to the open patio door.. Bleh..

That is all.

</ramble>

My dog is dreaming...

She's such a spazz when she dreams, seriously...

It's just *spazz spazz spazz grunt growl spazz bark spazz* ...crazy animal.

Tired now.

Bed i think.

Hope i dream about Dani Filth again >=3 I did last night and it was a suhweeeeet dream! Me and him were playing a drinking game, which is a pretty good game considering i came up with it in my sleep... Basically someone poured you a shot while you were blindfolded and you had to drink it and guess what it was. If you guessed right you were safe, but if you guessed wrong you had to down another shot until you got it right or passed out. It was a good game, and an awesome dream! I was genuinely upset when i woke up and realised i hadn't been up all night drinking with Dani Filth D8

</spam>

Work cheered me up =] it always does, i always have such a laugh with Courtz.. I'm going to miss her sooo much =O lucky cow getting to go and live in France! Lolol, cow... Cow in a rucksack.. BACK TRACKS, ASS CRACKS!!! And do the Sue dance!! *shuffle!!!* ...That is pretty much how me and Courtz's conversations go. Because we are the 'mad jewellery girls'. We got Dan well and truly today. He spent the whole evening trying to stick security tags to me and Courtz, without noticing that we'd stuck a few to him XD He would have set all the alarms off when he went out if he hadn't figured it out XD Aaah he's cool, he went up a notch in my cool book after he told me all the things he did for his mum on mothers day. I like a guy with a soft spot XD Harry and Jack are being funny with us, but feh, twins *shakes head* ...Yeeeeah. Made another new friend today, Craig. He's really nice, but he thinks me and Courtz are crazy <.< >.>

Hrrrm... About my mood before... I've been up and down alot recently. One minute i'll be on top of the world, the next i'll be the exact opposite, crying my eyes out for no reason. I guess it's just life and hormones, we all have to go through it at some point, it just seems to hit me harder for some reason o.O Oh well... As long as i get through it reasonably unscathed then i'm not bothered. As long as one day i can look back on all this as an experience that taught me alot and hopefully toughened me up a bit... I'll be happy then. Living on my farm in Ireland with my two kids and two dogs (Saluki and Husky fyi XD) ...You can tell i've thought about this way to much <.< >.> whatever. I want to prove to myself that i can pull myself through this ON MY OWN. Because if i can't rely on myself to be strong, who can i rely on? I'm sick of other people always having to be strong for me, it's my turn to be the tough one for once!

Omg, the weirdest thing ever happened last night.. I was lying in my bed going to sleep, and i SWEAR that my character Rio (who i'm very much obsessed with because he's so very like me XD) sat on the end of my bed and said 'You'll be ok, kiddo.' I SWEAR i heard his voice and felt a weight on the end of my bed, it was the creepiest thing ever. I just sat straight up and went 'why are you in my room, Ethan?!' because i thought it was my brother, but there was no one there o.O I'm bloody hearing my characters comforting me, that's a worrying sign XD But they're kind of a part of me i guess.. Every one of them is a different side of me, Rio's just the one i'm closest too... As such i dream about him alot, draw him alot, and now apparently hear him talking to me o.O and i thought my life couldn't get any weirder XD

Oh well. I'm slowly but surely coming through this mental block i've had recently. And i'm proud of myself, because i've done it on my own, and that's what i want. Once i'm through, out of the dark, then i'll start fixing all the mess i've made while pulling myself together. But for now, i need to fix me.

That is all.

</spam>

Felt sick today, came home at dinner time..

Don't feel much like myself anymore... don't even feel human to be honest...

I've got alot on my mind. Too much, it's starting to drive me crazy.

I've got work now, don't really feel like it.

Am i doing the right thing? I don't know anymore.. i'm trying but i don't seem to be getting anywhere... I look in the mirror and i don't even recognise myself. I look at my friends and i don't recognise them either. It's like i'm a stranger in this world all over again... I'm stuck here in a vicious circle, and i don't know how to escape.

I don't even know who i am anymore.

Goddamn it.

Is life this confusing for everyone? And if it is, why can everyone else seem to cope?? Why do i seem to be the only one who feels like i have a big, angry ball of blackness inside me that just wants to rip out and kill everyone? Does everyone feel like this and they just don't mention it??

Why do i feel like two people?

Why do i hate everyone, even though i know i should care about them?

Why do i have fantasies about ripping people open, KILLING people, i'm supposed to love and care about?

Why do i enjoy hurting people so much? Does it make me feel powerful, in control? I don't even know...

Why am i like this? Why can't i change? Why can't i just stop it and be normal like everyone else?!?!

I'm scared...

OH MAI GIDDY AUNT!!! I really need to stop procrastinating! I have no idea what's wrong with me tonight, but LOL!!

Me: *eating a cake*
Mum: The dog wouldn't even go out and chase rabbits before, because i was eating one.
Me: ...you were eating a rabbit???
Mum: Yeah... What? No! A cake you doris!
Me: Ooooooh...

XD parents... and misunderstandings... homg and long words i can't spell, wtf...

Sleep now.

HOSHIT art coursework.. you know what, screw it. I'll hand in what i've done and see if i can get an leeeeetle extension on the rest of it... If not, then feh, oh dear and whoopsie daisy, i'll just have to work super hard to get everything finished. Or something. I have no idea.

SLEEP GODDAMNIT!!!!

Tiiiired. Cbaaaaaaaaaa. Wanna go to beeeeeeed. But i can't be arsed going all the way upstairs to my roooooooom... I feel ill and i have a stomach ache. And i'm actually looking forward to work tomorrow o.O probz because i'm with Courtz, and it's always more fun with her XD

I really need sleep now, i have no idea why i'm even writing this.. *coughPROCRASTINATINGcough* ...bleh.

*ponders* happy for myself maybe... things are going my way again, sort of. WELL. Amz isn't in tomorrow, so i'm going to take the opportunity to go and talk to miss Batten. I've been skipping school alot recently, i'm not really sure why... I just felt so down and out of it last week i couldn't bare to be there. But since i now feel like things are improving, or at least today they seem to be improving, i think i need to go and have a word with ALL my teachers, apologise for my behaviour and ask for a second chance. No more skipping school with Amz, no more excuses. Time to knuckle down and get some work done so i can do what i WANT to do in life, which is get through art college, travel the world, settle down in Ireland and have two kids two dogs and a cat XD That's my ideal future. Yeah. Selfish? Of course i am. Because i've always been the kind of person to put me, myself and i first. Always have, always will. I'm selfish, selfish, selfish. But in being selfish i get what i want, and in getting what i want i move onwards in the direction i want to go. Sounds harsh, yeah i know that, but i want alot and i intend to get it. I want to look back on this breakdown and think 'Ha, loser.' The one advantage of being a Johnson. We want, we get. We trample over people as we do so, we hurt alot of people and make alot of friends, we rip ourselves down to the bare bone at least 5 times a year, but we get over it fast and move on quickly. Tis the Johnson way! And i intend to use every ounce of that raw selfishness to get myself as far in life as i possibly can. Decision made, thank you for your input, goodnight.

</rant>