OMAIGAWD HAI GAIZE!!!!!!111
The bit that i'm bummed about is that today and tomorrow i'm working lates, so i have to drag myself up and out of bed to work 6 hour shifts in gay land.
Buuuuut. After tomorrows shift i've got a full 5 days off, so i can be as lazy and slobby as i like and no one can tell me off about it because i've done shit loads of overtime and deserve a rest, and my room doesn't need cleaning anymore so i have nothing of worth to do round the house!!! BANYAAAAAAAIII
Ahahaha, lying in bed watching movies, playing games, RPing and drawing for 5 days must sound like hell for some people... But, one mans hell is one big dorks heaven, and i'm happy so stfu XD
That is all.
</spam>
Helloooooooooo
Emzy and Isaac have been staaaaaaars today, really cheered me up =] those two... They always know what to say when i need them the most <3 <3 <3 I'm glad i've got them. Isaac's been through hell and back so we can relate, and Emzy is mental so she cheers me up, the perfect combo XD I luff my frieeeeeends X3
Don't know why i'm dragging all my vowels o.O
Early night tonight, i'm shattered!!
OMG! I forgot to rant last night, but Atay reminded me. REMAKE OF THE EYE WTF?!?!?! I mean an American remake of an AMAZING Japanese film was never going to be good but JESSICA ALBA?!?! Wth.. I really don't like her and they went and put her in a remake one of my favourite movies, it really distressed me! It's awful anyway, if you're going to watch The Eye, i implore you, get the original it's about 5000000 times better. Seriously.
That is all.
</spam>
One more thing, one more thing *diary whoring*
I FINISHED MY DIGIMON STICKER COLLECTION!!!
I'm the worlds biggest dork, seriously...
Stole from Atay :O
OO1. When's the last time you ran?
Today, running out of Makro to my mum's car XD It was raining!
OO2. Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them?
None of mine do at the moment, but i did used to have a load of ripped pairs!
OO3. What are you dreading right now?
Work tomorrow.. CBAAAAAAAA...
OO4. Do you celebrate 4/20?
Uhh... Is that something American??
OO5. When is the last time you saw your significant other?
Umm... A while ago <.< >.>
OO8. Do you get the full 8 hours of sleep a night?
No, never XD Insomnia ftw ¬___¬
O11. What's your current favourite song?
I have loooooooooads, but i'm listening to quite alot of slow, sad songs of late. Matches my mood most of the time i guess..
O12. If anyone came to your house on your "lazy days" what would you do?
I'd slam the door in their face unless i'd specifically invited them :p
O13. Who last grabbed your ass?
Possibly... Someone... from work <.< >.> don't tell anyone XD
O14. Have you ever been in your school's band?
Nope
O15. Do you own a pair of Converse?
Yep
O16. Did you copy and paste this survey?
I did indeed.
O17. Do you eat raw cookie dough?
Yes, yum yum!
O18. Have you ever kicked a vending machine?
Aye, it's the only way to get them to work sometimes XD
O19. Don't you hate when the radio ruins good songs by playing a slow one right after it?
Define 'good song'. I might find the slow ones good.
O21. Do you watch Trading Spaces?
????
O23. Have you ever stayed online for a very long time waiting for someone?
Aye
O24. Are you cocky?
I can be.
O25. Could you live without a computer?
No! XD
O26. Do you wear your shoes in the house?
No, it's habit to take them off.
O27. At what age did you find out that Santa wasn't real?
About 7, but i continued to insist that he was real until i was about 11 XD
O28. How many phones, house phones and cell phones are in your house?
4
O29. What do you do when you're sad?
Talk to myself. Honestly, try it. No one knows you better than yourself, so sometimes listening to your own advice is the best thing you can do.
O30. Who would you call first if you won the lottery?
Ummm... Miyavi XD I'd get his number somehow, call him and demand that he take me on tour with him XD But realistically, i'd call my nan.
O31. Last time you saw your best friend?
Hmmmm, depends... My best friend keeps switching around at the moment, because i have alot of amazing friends, but no best friend anymore because she ditched me. So i'll say Emzy last night on webcam, because she's been an angel these last few days, God love her <3
O32. Who or what sleeps with you?
My tiger Khan, and that's it.
O33. Are you in high school?
Technically no.. Sixth form.
034. Is anyone on your bad side now?
Oh yes. A few people. But i don't let them get to me, they can piss off as far as i'm concerned.
O35. What jewellery are you wearing?
6mm plug in my left ear, Danny's chunky silver man ring, Isaac's chunky silver man ring (which someone pointed out that i wear on my engagement finger o.O i didn't know which one that was XD it's comfy though, so feh), my chunky black cheapy ring, and my Japanese watch.
O36. What's the first thing you do when you get online?
Log in to ET, see that i have loads of messages, groan, log out again XD
O37. Do you watch Grey's Anatomy?
Yes, i adore it! But House is better by about a million times!! *wants to marry House* ...What?!
O38. Would you wear a boy/girlfriend
Yeah XD i have more of his clothes than he does, and they're more comfy than mine. Mum's always yelling at me for walking round in his Metallica top as a nighty. It's "too short, it makes you look like a slut!" apparently.. Pfeh.
O39. Where do you work?
Makro! Sometimes i love it, sometimes i hate it.
O40. What are you doing Friday?
Off to Amz's! <3
O41. Is Justin Timberlake becoming the next Michael Jackson?
I don't know, and i don't care.
O42. Favourite name for a girl?
I like Rose for some reason =3
O43. Favourite name for a boy?
Thorne <3 <3 <3 if i have kids, they WILL be a boy and a girl and they WILL be called Rose and Thorne. Because that's just awesome <3
O44. Will you keep your last name when you get married?
I might.. I couldn't call myself a true Johnson if i didn't keep the name!
O45. When is the last time you left your house?
Today
O46. Do you return your cart?
Yep, i want my quid back
O47. Do you have a dishwasher?
Nope, we're old fashioned XD
O48. What noise do you hear?
My computer humming.
O49. Would you survive in prison?
Probably not, i cave under stress so i'd either go mad and be one of the incredibly violent and aggressive types, or just spend all my time rocking back and forth crying XD
Went to Amz's after work, and she cheered me up with her mentalness ^___^ I just needed to get out and see someone and talk to actual human beings. I hole myself up and it's not good for me!
We had THE most hilarious conversation i have ever had in my life, we were literally both crying from laughter, i haven't laughed so hard in my whole life XD I won't put what we were laughing about cuz it's kinda harsh, but i can guarentee that you'd probably find it offensive but also very funny. Come on, it's a guilty pleasure to laugh when you know you shouldn't. WA WA WE WA!!! XD XD oh God i'm giggling just thinking about it XD
Anyway, work tomorrow so better get some sleeeeeep. Night all :P
</spam>
Oh and in other news, my dad's illness is getting worse. He's numb up his left side. We don't think he has much longer. As if i needed any more problems, let's just add the looming and ominous death of a family member in the near future, shall we? Lovely.
Bah. In a foul mood once again. Tearing up but i'm determined not to cry. I refuse to let my stupid emotions get the better of me. They need to go, because it's them that's causing all my problems. Right at this moment in time, i strongly dislike EVERYONE. My friends, my family, my boyfriend. I'm not saying i hate them, i don't. I'm just saying that right now i don't want to be around anyone. I don't want human contact, because feeling human makes me feel ill, and sad, and hollow and empty and all those other things that drove me to try and kill myself. I want to get in touch with my counsellor again, but i'm scared to do that because it means admitting that i can't do this on my own. BUT I CAN. I have to. If i can't fix myself then who the hell can. I've spent the whole day today talking to an empty room, having a full on conversation with one of my none-existant characters because i have NO ONE left to talk to. Everyone else is busy getting on with their lives and i'm stuck. It's like a one man groundhog day and it's driving me crazy. No matter how hard i try i can't drag myself out of this vicious circle and it's slowly driving me mad. I can't eat, i can't sleep, all i can do is pretend that i'm fine and carry on like normal. But i'm not fine am i?! It's not bloody normal to abandon all my friends, push everyone away, want to hole myself up and spend all my time talking to characters that don't exist because they know me better than anyone else anyway. IT'S NOT NORMAL. What the hell is wrong with me >___< why do i feel so... Distant, so inhuman... Like i'm on the wrong planet or something. Maybe i am some sort of experiment that's been put here... GODDAMIT why does everything i say have to sound so twisted?? I don't mean it to, i'm trying to be rational, but my brain is warped and out of synch, i can't think straight. I don't even know what day it is... Thursday, friday? I have work tomorrow so it's friday... If i even get up in time for work... Oh god, work, i can't stand that place. Everyone's looking at me and judging me and talking about me, i know they are... I have no one. I'm a loner once again, my life seems to have done a 180 and reversed a few years, i'm exactly how i used to be. A shaken up, paranoid, lonely, pathetic little girl with no life beyond her room and her computer games.
I really, really hate most people right now.
Going back to talk to the walls. Ha.
Wonder how much longer i can survive like this? Who's gonna listen now? Maybe i should try to get rid of all my emotions, it seems easier that way. No emotions, no guilt, no feelings of pain or sorrow or remorse. Who in the hell decided to give humans emotions anyway, what a dumbass idea.
Jesus...
Someone help me...
I think i'm losing it completely...
Don't cry... It won't help...
Sorry, ignore all this, i just don't really know who, or even what i am anymore.
</pointless crap that no one cares about anyway. Oh hey, that's a description of me!>
I got up at 11 today despite being up till 5am last night (usually when i do that i sleep until at least 1pm XD) ..i have that tired sicky feeling but i don't mind too much. I NEED to get an early night tonight, since i kinda failed last night and i was supposed to be trying to normalise my sleeping patterns for work XD I just watched Ghost Rider again... Don't get me wrong, i love that film, but what's with all the pointing nonsense!!! ARGH, he just looks like a total spazztoid!!! Recap:
Jonny Blaze: .....*points*.
ajosiefrpeoasg
Just one of those things that i can't take seriously at all XD
Aaaaanyway. I can't really think of anything to do today, cuz i can't very well do anything in my room when the wardrobe is lying on the floor taking up pretty much all the space in there... I should do some more art really, but i'm not in an arty mood... Fellow artists will understand the annoyance of artists block XD
I think i'll go clean out my chest of drawers.
That is all.
</ramble>
YAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I still haven't got it together to go and see Josh... I just can't be bothered, and i know that sounds harsh, but i hardly get any time to myself anymore, what with work and school and coursework and people pestering me to go out drinking and stuff... Eeeeeeeeeeh, i'm not trying to be a scrooge or party pooper, i just want these 3 days to chill out and do nothing but Final Fantasy, Black and White, artwork and bedroom. I've started filling in all the holes in my walls and it's upset me a bit because it's kind of made me realise what a violent and aggressive person i actually am. Some of the holes are unreal, and i can't believe i did them with my own fists... Meh...
Anyway. Got stuff to do so i'll talk later, mutti's nagging again.
Tatty bye!
</spam>
I did get to go home at 6 from work the other day, but i didn't even have to make up an excuse cuz the store manager decided to close the store an hour early! (Y) It went REALLY fast because i was busy all morning on clothing then Paul had me running about doing his jobs for ages, which was actually fun (more fun than clothing anyway) so i might have to do more overtime cuz i get the chance to work on Ambient with all the cool people XD
However, i didn't actually get home from work until 7:30 because mum was spazzing driving around all over the place for no reason that she explained. Then i went to Amz's and we had a right laugh XD we went through 2 medium bottles of Bulmers and a big 2ltr bottle of Blackthorn, and i was amazed that it barely did anything to me at all. Wine is the one that gets me wankered... We played beyblades which was awesome, and i actually managed to win one fight XD then we went out for a walk, as usual, and found a tree which we dubbed Amz and Beki's Special Tree XD we pissed about for about an hour scaring people in their cars, then went back to have cheese and crackers! Amz destroyed a bunch of traffic cones and barriers round road works on the way back, and we turned a post box into the Dark Magician (we were on the wine by this point, i should point out). Went to bed at about 2am after watching random shit on Newgrounds for a bit. All in all twas a fun night! ...Oh yeah, and Amz took a very embarassing video of me chewing on a tree yelling 'I'M A BEAVER!!'... That was my drunkest moment XD
I'm not hungover at all today, nothing whatsoever! Got up at 10:30 with no problems, played Final Fantasy for a while, and came home! Good time, good time.
I have only one thing left to say.
OOOOOH FOOOKIE DOOO!!!!!
Banyaaaaaaiii! That is all.
</spam>
MY EASTER EGG IS HALF GREEN!!! omg it's the coolest thing ever XD XD I BET YOU DON'T HAVE A GREEN EASTER EGG DO YA?!?! HUH?! HUH?!?!?!?
Aaaanyway. Work wasn't so bad today, it did drag quite a bit though. Tomorrow i'm going to ask Lynda if i can go home at 6 instead of 7... make some excuse up <.< >.> The actual reason is that i'm going for a PISS UP AND OURAN MARATHON AT AMZ'S!!! Mum's got over her whole 'you will never see her again' thing. Waaaaaaaaaaai!
So yeaaaaah. Then i think i'm doing overtime the rest of this week. So bah to that, but Lynda can forget me doing anything but my normal hours on Tueday, cuz if i've been at Amz's i won't be up till 12 and i'll probably be hungover. So i'll just do 4:30 till 10 and she'll have to deal with that.
BANYAAAAAAAAAA
That is all.
</ramble>
Waaaaaaaaaaaaa
Anyway, i'd better go get ready since i have to be ready to leave in half an hour... I'm so not in the mood for Makro today, i'm just going to be coughing my guts up the whole time i'm there and growling at customers to avoid having to speak to them... Oh well, i get payed double since it's easter, and it's overtime so it's all extra money going into my bank account. I'll just complain vigorously about it until i actually get the money, for that is the British way.
Banyaaaaaaai.
That is all.
</ramble>
Finished watching Hale Nochi Guu =____= now i will seriously have nothing to do for the rest of the holidays XD that was going to be my soul source of entertainment, and now it's over and we're not even into the first week of the holidays yet! DX How am i going to cope!?
Eeh... People should know that i become immensly anti-social during the holidays. I lock myself away, i don't want to see anyone, and thankfully i'm pretty much grounded anyway so i don't need to make excuses. I'm not sure why i go like this, i think i just really enjoy solitude and peaceful aloneness... Sounds weird but hey, that's me... I'm sociable, talkative, cocky etc etc during school time.. Then the minute it's the holidays it's like "Right, me-time now, everyone go away and leave me be for a few weeks!" ...Understanda
Dammit i'm on overtime tomorrow 12-9... I hope Lynda isn't too mean, i've given her the hours that i can do overtime and she's said she'll 'fit me in' but knowing her that means 9 hour shifts every day next week... I think i'll just die from exhaustion now to save her the hassle of killing me .___. I should have told her that i can't do that much because i've got art coursework and hermiting to do... I'll tell her tomorrow... The art coursework bit <.< >.>
Josh keeps pestering me too ¬___¬ my mum took my phone off me for a while so i had a day of blissful silence, but then the noise and the nagging and pestering started again... Not just him, everyone, wanting to know where i am and what i'm doing and am i going to the party and will i dye their hair AAAAAAARGH!!! Is it to much to ask to have a little time to myself once in a while?!?! It's getting increasingly difficult what with work and my increasingly busy social schedule (i'm not saying i'm super-popular, i'm just saying i have a small group of friends who happen to love going out drinking every night and love dragging me along for the ride). Eeeeeeh... I'm not the kind of person who's good at being rushed around, i like to take things nice and slowly at my own pace, especially if they're things that are supposed to be done at my leisure, like meeting friends and going out and stuff... Bah.
I'm trying to psychoanalyse myself here, this wasn't meant to turn into a ramble, i'm just annoyed at people for not getting that i just want to be on my own for a while. I'm not being emo or depressed, i just like to spend a little time with me, talking things through with... Myself! I know that sounds incredibly weird, but i'm the only one who knows me inside out and upsidown and back to front, so it makes sense that i should spend some time alone with me every now and then...
I sound crazy.
I'm not, i'm just... Erm... A hermit person o.O
I'm going to bed now before this cough kills me.
</rant of dewm>
*sigh* for all my optimism before, i've slipped back into a very down mood... I had a row with my parents again, and for once i was just trying to stay calm... But it made no difference...
Mum: You can do your room after you've done the dishes.
Me: It's not fair that i'm expected to do my room plus other chores and Ethan does nothing...
Dad: You're going the right way for a punch in the face, girl.
Me: ...I'll call social services if you do... I'm sick of this...
Dad: Shut the fuck up you snotty little bitch.
...And i just walked away. I could have lost my temper with him, i could have screamed and kicked up a fuss, but i didn't. Because i hate fighting and arguing, i just wish they'd see things from my point of view once in a while, since i've tried so hard to put myself in their shoes and work hard and try to better myself. But i still get treated like crap, i feel like the serving maid. If my dad talked to my brother like that my mum would go insane with him, but she just turns a blind eye when he swears at me or hits me or intimidates and threatens me... I don't want to be scared of my dad, but i am, i'm terrified of him. And i'm terrified that i'm going to be like him when i'm older. Part of me wishes i was adopted... At least that would explain the feeling that i'm living with the wrong family. I know there's alot of people who have it worse, but it's no fun being treated like a dog by your dad no matter who you are... In fact he treats the dog better than me, always trying to scare me and see how far he can push it, like he enjoys seeing me cry. And my mum does nothing about it, and my brother doesn't care either. I feel closer to the cat than i do to any of my other family members and that's so sad.
I really, really hope that i was adopted...
</spam>
Sooo tiiiiiiiiiiiir
So. Project Fix Beki starts today, and ends when i feel that i'm the person i want to be. I'm not saying i don't like who i am now, there's definately a sadistic side of me who likes all this control and power i have over other people, but i think it all needs to be pushed down until later in life when i might need to be able to take control. But until then, i need to get rid of the Hitler in me and start trying to bring out the Mother Theresa XD I know there's a good person in here somewhere, i just have to find her!
That is all.
</ramble>
Ahahaha, i just let a load off by having a massive, huge, explosive rant at a stupid retard girl on one of the forums i go to who was typing 'lYk DiS' despite the fact that in the rules it specifically states not to. Basically: (I'm Dogmatic, Magenta is an old Youtube buddy, and.. Well no need to explain who the other one is ¬____¬)
Dogmatic: Jesus christ what the hell is wrong with you?!?! Can you not read? Were you brought up in a portaloo on mould and Rizla's?! Do you have something wrong with you?!?! Or is your keyboard broken and this is just a big misunderstandi
Magenta: GO CLEAN TOILETS IN HELL!!!
CuTiE69: Ur BoTh BiTcH3z!!!
And then she left and me and Mags had a right old laugh. Well it was more a right old 'LOLOLOLOLOLOL
Ooooh i sounds like such a bitch, but really, you had to be there. If you'd seen some of the things she was typing, you'd understand why i lost my rag. Well maybe you wouldn't, but i do!!!! I'd copy and paste everything that was said if i could be bothered...
But i can't.
Off to watch Jungle wa Itsumo Hale Nochi Guu DELUXE!!!! X3
</spam>
..I hate how people speak to me in this house..
"Shut the fuck up, or i'll put you in a fucking hospital, you won't need to take any pills this time."
Is that really any way to speak to your 17 year old daughter, particularly infront of a 9 year old who is easily upset?
Why do i feel like i just don't belong anywhere?
I'm sure i was born into the wrong time in history... I feel so lost here...
</spam>
Been watching Jungle wa Itsumo Hale Nochi Guu for the last 3 hours. It's a brilliant anime, i urge everyone to watch it!!! It's so trippy and hilarious, i love it X3 It's all on youtube aswell, which is goooooooood. Means i don't have to spend any money XD
...i've managed to fill up 3 bin sacks with rubbish from my room today, which is harder than it sounds when you have to sort through everything with a finetooth bloody comb XD but it's done and i feel better.. Maybe mum will get off my back a bit now too. Going to the cinema tomorrow with her and my brother, so i think she's cooled down after the whole parents evening thing.. Did i write that in here? No i didn't... Basically she said that if i don't 'buck up my ideas' then she's pulling me out of 6th form, which is fair enough as i am a lazy twat. But she's also said that i'm not allowed to see Amz or Gemma again outside school, i'm not allowed out with the dudes from work after school, and if she catches me anywhere near Josh she's going to call the police (although they couldn't actually do anything). THAT, i think, is unreasonable. Maybe the going out after school and work isn't so unreasonable, considering how much i drink when i'm out with those guys.. but the not seeing Amz Josh and Gemma, two of my best friends and my boyfriend, is a bit harsh i feel.. Whatever, she's not going to stop me seeing them as i love all 3 of them to death and without them i probably would have exploded from stress by now. So mum's just going to have to get used to the fact that they're part of my life, whether she likes it or not.
Feeling very motivated and optimistic for some reason. Weird how that always seems to happen during the wee hours (it's nearly 2am here). Tomorrow i'll feel like shit and not want to do anything. Lee Evans is right, IT'S THE SLEEP THAT DOES IT!!!! XD But really, i'm feeling great, so hopefully i'll be able to finish my room, do a bit of art, and convince mum to let me go to Amz's since i was banned from going last night.
That is all.
</spam>
Cold isn't getting any better... It's been like 2 weeks ¬___¬ my throat is killing me >.<
I'll be on and off today, got alot to do.
That is all.
</spam>
Emotional rant, feel free to ignore, just need to vent a bit.
Hrrrmmmm... I dunno what to say really... Still feeling down, not sure why. I can't control my moods lately, and despite my vows to change myself i feel like i'm slipping back in to old ways. I can't control my moods, my emotions, my feelings.. Sometimes it even feels like i can't control my actions, and it's scary. Something tells me i'm looking for something, i just can't figure out what it is. I feel like i don't belong here, or anywhere at all really. I want to go and find whatever it is my subconscious seems to think i need to find. I want to run away from the pain and sadness that this place seems to be writhing with. It's like a dark cloud over me all the time, and i need to get away from it. So many bad memories lurking in corners waiting to jump out and bite me in the face when i feel like i'm beginning to win. I need to be somewhere new, somewhere fresh and different, where there's no shadows of the past lurking around to spite me. Somewhere where i can start making new memories to heal the wounds the old ones have left behind. That's what i want. But i can't run away, i can't leave, not for another two years and i don't know if i'll make it that far. To put it simply, it feels like i'm walking down a long road, and i can just about see my destination on the horizon, but my body is slowly crumbling away as i walk. I don't know if i'll manage to ever reach my destination... But i'm determined to try, to fight, to give it everything i've got. Because, in the end, that's the only way i'm ever going to get out of this horrible place, leave everyone and everything behind me and just start anew. Throw it all away. Yeah...
</spam>