Still have an unbelievably large crush on THAT person (regular readers of my diary may have some ide what i'm talking about XD)... I don't know why this so called 'crush' won't just fade away, they normally do if i just ignore them for a while... Buuuut this one isn't. And rumours are flying round that he likes me too and is gonna try and get me on my own next time we go out drinking drwnapfgerhafragera D8 ...How the hell am i going to tell him that i like him, alot, but have a boyfriend of 7 months who i have no intention of breaking up with any time soon... It sounds so harsh no matter how i put it... GAH. Don't know what to doooo... And a couple of people have said that i'm leading him on, flirting and such, but i've been trying not to! I really have, i just can't help it when i'm around guys... I don't want him to think that i'm messing around with his feelings, and i don't want to lose him as a friend... I suppose i should just slip the fact that i have a boyfriend into normal conversation and hope that he takes the hint =/ ^{Although part of me was ecstatic when i heard that he likes me... Ehe, i guess that's the 'i'm still single' part of my brain <.< >.>}

Aaaaanyway, moving away from boy issues as that's not very interesting at all i just felt the need to ramble... Erm... I only just got up and hour ago and i have nothing else interesting to write about... Was meant to be doing overtime today but Linz text me at 9 and told me not to worry about it cuz she doesn't need cover anymore, so i went back to bed! Banyaaaaiii!!!

That is all.

</ramble>

Aaaaaah, i just watched 2 more films =] I won't bore y'all with film reviews like my last few diary entries XD I'll just be quick. I watched Brokeback Mountain (yes, that one about the gay cowboys, thank you Carl for your mature comment ¬___¬). It's a very moving and emotional film, i loved it and i urge you to see it if you like your movies! I also watched The Water Horse, which i enjoyed immensly! Lovely film =] I do love my kids movies, and this one was about the wonderful people of Scotland! How could i not love it, i adore that accent! X3 So yes, all together two very nice films =] P.S I Love You and Bucket List are next :P

That is all.

</ramble>

Gooooooood morning ETers! Well it's actually afternoon... But i only just got up due to the fact that i was up till 3am last night watching movies, and i intend to do the same today! I'm running out of films now though, anyone want to reccomend a good one to me??

Anyway... Today is my nan's 80th birthday, so happy birthday nan XD We were supposed to be going down there to see her and surprise her (she lives 300 miles away on the south coast) but my dad's really ill so we can't =/ never mind, i'll see her in the summer. You know when you were a kid, you always had your 'favourite' nan or aunty or cousin or whatever... Nan was always my favourite family member :p she's just awesome and wacky and brilliant, as are most of the people who live down that end of the country. So i'm looking forward to seeing them again.

Oh my Israel form came back. They said they can't accept me this year because i'm 17 and due to new laws they can't have under 18's coming unaccompanied. Buuuut they said they'll be happy to take me on next year if i'm still interested and they're awaiting a reply =] I'm not bummed about it to be honest cuz it means i get to spend this summer with family and friends and next summer and maybe longer (gap year ftw) in Israel! So yay to that, and i'm happy as larry, who ever he is...

That is all.

</ramble>

One Missed Call was very dissapointing... I remember seeing the Japanese version, and i was freaked out for a week. I was scared to answer my phone! But the American version... Ugh, i kinda hoped they'd pull off a decent remake of this particular Japanese film, because it has such an intense plot... Buuuut, they ruined it. They de-scarified it. It's just not as chilling as the Japanese version was. The American film makers have no idea how to make movies harrowing, they're really bad at it. The Japanese however seem to be more twisted in the head, they know how to scare people, and they do it well XD Attention American film makers! Adding extra gore and pointless violence doesn't make a movie more scary! This version of the film was borderline funny. *sigh* Way to ruin a brilliant film guys =/ 3/10...

In other news, i'm now downloading the ORIGINAL Japanese rigntone, so i can have a heart attack every time my phone rings XD

Sorry, my diary is turning into a film review page o.O

That is all.

</ramble>

DSNOWAGBREWAOFNEWAGRES AWAKE IS AN AWESOME FILM!!! I was crying like a soft bugger at the end, i really was ;___; Sooooooo good, loved it loved it loved it!! Such an interesting plot line, not one of these generic thrillers, it generally had me in suspense the whole way through!!

Tell you what though, it's put me off the idea of ever having surgery XD not that i've ever been fond of the idea, but i REALLY don't want to have surgery now. What a scary thought, being awake the whole way through =/

Anyway, that's all i have to say XD

</spam>

Also, also!!! Still about Makro, and i don't know why i find this so amusing, but it's got a page on Wikipedia XD XD ah man, i can tell i'm hyper or i wouldn't find that funny at all... Makro on wikipedia... FAIL XD

</pointless>

OMAIGAWD!!! I'VE FOUND THE ONE!!! ...No not Neo, or the love of my life. It is in fact the ring that i am determined to buy one day. It's so preeeetty, i can't believe i've never seen it before!!! GAH! Nomnomnom.. It's only downside is that it's £235... Lolol... That's half of my monthly wage, but i'm not spending all that money in one go, i intend to save a bit before i go splurging all that on one ring... Either that or i can somehow hope that Josh suddenly becomes very wealthy and decides he wants to dote on me XD We have been together 7 months this saturday after all, and i think i deserve a reward <.< >.> XD

Anyway, enough about rings. I'm off. You know what i'm going to do? Play Final Fantasy 8 while watching Awake and eating Oreo's and apple and cinnemon Pop Tarts from the comfort of my own delightfully warm and cosy bed. I. Am. In. Heaven. I don't want my old room back, this one is fine!! XD

</spam>

OMAIGAWD HAI GAIZE!!!!!!111!1 ...Ok. I'm immensly hyperactive right now, and bummed at the same time. Hyperactive because due to the decoration of my room, all my stuff has been moved into the computer room. I now have my bed, my PC, my stereo, my TV, my PS2 and a mini fridge (mum found it in the attic, it was my 'missing christmas present' XD) all in the same room on the same desk and in reach of my bed. So i can now be the most slovenly, movie watching, gaming dork in the entire universe. In short i mean i can lie in bed, watch movies, play video games, RP and talk to friends, and eat without having to move for the rest of the holidays! OMGYAY!!!! I can even do my art coursework from the comfort of my bed because it's right next to me XD

The bit that i'm bummed about is that today and tomorrow i'm working lates, so i have to drag myself up and out of bed to work 6 hour shifts in gay land.

Buuuuut. After tomorrows shift i've got a full 5 days off, so i can be as lazy and slobby as i like and no one can tell me off about it because i've done shit loads of overtime and deserve a rest, and my room doesn't need cleaning anymore so i have nothing of worth to do round the house!!! BANYAAAAAAAIIII!!!

Ahahaha, lying in bed watching movies, playing games, RPing and drawing for 5 days must sound like hell for some people... But, one mans hell is one big dorks heaven, and i'm happy so stfu XD

That is all.

</spam>

OMAIGAWD HAI GAIZE!!!!!!111!1 ...Ok. I'm immensly hyperactive right now, and bummed at the same time. Hyperactive because due to the decoration of my room, all my stuff has been moved into the computer room. I now have my bed, my PC, my stereo, my TV, my PS2 and a mini fridge (mum found it in the attic, it was my 'missing christmas present' XD) all in the same room on the same desk and in reach of my bed. So i can now be the most slovenly, movie watching, gaming dork in the entire universe. In short i mean i can lie in bed, watch movies, play video games, RP and talk to friends, and eat without having to move for the rest of the holidays! OMGYAY!!!! I can even do my art coursework from the comfort of my bed because it's right next to me XD

The bit that i'm bummed about is that today and tomorrow i'm working lates, so i have to drag myself up and out of bed to work 6 hour shifts in gay land.

Buuuuut. After tomorrows shift i've got a full 5 days off, so i can be as lazy and slobby as i like and no one can tell me off about it because i've done shit loads of overtime and deserve a rest, and my room doesn't need cleaning anymore so i have nothing of worth to do round the house!!! BANYAAAAAAAIIII!!!

Ahahaha, lying in bed watching movies, playing games, RPing and drawing for 5 days must sound like hell for some people... But, one mans hell is one big dorks heaven, and i'm happy so stfu XD

That is all.

</spam>

Helloooooooooooo. Bloody glad to be back from work XD Me and Emily spent the last hour finding a bunch of odd shoes and being amused by it XD XD oh dear...

Emzy and Isaac have been staaaaaaars today, really cheered me up =] those two... They always know what to say when i need them the most <3 <3 <3 I'm glad i've got them. Isaac's been through hell and back so we can relate, and Emzy is mental so she cheers me up, the perfect combo XD I luff my frieeeeeends X3

Don't know why i'm dragging all my vowels o.O

Early night tonight, i'm shattered!!

OMG! I forgot to rant last night, but Atay reminded me. REMAKE OF THE EYE WTF?!?!?! I mean an American remake of an AMAZING Japanese film was never going to be good but JESSICA ALBA?!?! Wth.. I really don't like her and they went and put her in a remake one of my favourite movies, it really distressed me! It's awful anyway, if you're going to watch The Eye, i implore you, get the original it's about 5000000 times better. Seriously.

That is all.

</spam>

One more thing, one more thing *diary whoring*

I FINISHED MY DIGIMON STICKER COLLECTION!!!

I'm the worlds biggest dork, seriously...

Stole from Atay :O

OO1. When's the last time you ran?
Today, running out of Makro to my mum's car XD It was raining!

OO2. Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them?

None of mine do at the moment, but i did used to have a load of ripped pairs!

OO3. What are you dreading right now?
Work tomorrow.. CBAAAAAAAA...

OO4. Do you celebrate 4/20?
Uhh... Is that something American??

OO5. When is the last time you saw your significant other?
Umm... A while ago <.< >.>

OO8. Do you get the full 8 hours of sleep a night?
No, never XD Insomnia ftw ¬___¬

O11. What's your current favourite song?

I have loooooooooads, but i'm listening to quite alot of slow, sad songs of late. Matches my mood most of the time i guess..

O12. If anyone came to your house on your "lazy days" what would you do?
I'd slam the door in their face unless i'd specifically invited them :p

O13. Who last grabbed your ass?
Possibly... Someone... from work <.< >.> don't tell anyone XD

O14. Have you ever been in your school's band?
Nope

O15. Do you own a pair of Converse?
Yep

O16. Did you copy and paste this survey?
I did indeed.

O17. Do you eat raw cookie dough?
Yes, yum yum!

O18. Have you ever kicked a vending machine?
Aye, it's the only way to get them to work sometimes XD

O19. Don't you hate when the radio ruins good songs by playing a slow one right after it?
Define 'good song'. I might find the slow ones good.

O21. Do you watch Trading Spaces?
????

O23. Have you ever stayed online for a very long time waiting for someone?
Aye

O24. Are you cocky?
I can be.

O25. Could you live without a computer?
No! XD

O26. Do you wear your shoes in the house?
No, it's habit to take them off.

O27. At what age did you find out that Santa wasn't real?
About 7, but i continued to insist that he was real until i was about 11 XD

O28. How many phones, house phones and cell phones are in your house?
4

O29. What do you do when you're sad?
Talk to myself. Honestly, try it. No one knows you better than yourself, so sometimes listening to your own advice is the best thing you can do.

O30. Who would you call first if you won the lottery?
Ummm... Miyavi XD I'd get his number somehow, call him and demand that he take me on tour with him XD But realistically, i'd call my nan.

O31. Last time you saw your best friend?
Hmmmm, depends... My best friend keeps switching around at the moment, because i have alot of amazing friends, but no best friend anymore because she ditched me. So i'll say Emzy last night on webcam, because she's been an angel these last few days, God love her <3

O32. Who or what sleeps with you?
My tiger Khan, and that's it.

O33. Are you in high school?
Technically no.. Sixth form.

034. Is anyone on your bad side now?
Oh yes. A few people. But i don't let them get to me, they can piss off as far as i'm concerned.

O35. What jewellery are you wearing?
6mm plug in my left ear, Danny's chunky silver man ring, Isaac's chunky silver man ring (which someone pointed out that i wear on my engagement finger o.O i didn't know which one that was XD it's comfy though, so feh), my chunky black cheapy ring, and my Japanese watch.

O36. What's the first thing you do when you get online?
Log in to ET, see that i have loads of messages, groan, log out again XD

O37. Do you watch Grey's Anatomy?
Yes, i adore it! But House is better by about a million times!! *wants to marry House* ...What?!

O38. Would you wear a boy/girlfriend's clothes?
Yeah XD i have more of his clothes than he does, and they're more comfy than mine. Mum's always yelling at me for walking round in his Metallica top as a nighty. It's "too short, it makes you look like a slut!" apparently.. Pfeh.

O39. Where do you work?
Makro! Sometimes i love it, sometimes i hate it.

O40. What are you doing Friday?
Off to Amz's! <3

O41. Is Justin Timberlake becoming the next Michael Jackson?
I don't know, and i don't care.

O42. Favourite name for a girl?
I like Rose for some reason =3

O43. Favourite name for a boy?

Thorne <3 <3 <3 if i have kids, they WILL be a boy and a girl and they WILL be called Rose and Thorne. Because that's just awesome <3

O44. Will you keep your last name when you get married?
I might.. I couldn't call myself a true Johnson if i didn't keep the name!

O45. When is the last time you left your house?
Today

O46. Do you return your cart?
Yep, i want my quid back

O47. Do you have a dishwasher?
Nope, we're old fashioned XD

O48. What noise do you hear?
My computer humming.

O49. Would you survive in prison?
Probably not, i cave under stress so i'd either go mad and be one of the incredibly violent and aggressive types, or just spend all my time rocking back and forth crying XD

Went to Amz's after work, and she cheered me up with her mentalness ^___^ I just needed to get out and see someone and talk to actual human beings. I hole myself up and it's not good for me!

We had THE most hilarious conversation i have ever had in my life, we were literally both crying from laughter, i haven't laughed so hard in my whole life XD I won't put what we were laughing about cuz it's kinda harsh, but i can guarentee that you'd probably find it offensive but also very funny. Come on, it's a guilty pleasure to laugh when you know you shouldn't. WA WA WE WA!!! XD XD oh God i'm giggling just thinking about it XD

Anyway, work tomorrow so better get some sleeeeeep. Night all :P

</spam>

Oh and in other news, my dad's illness is getting worse. He's numb up his left side. We don't think he has much longer. As if i needed any more problems, let's just add the looming and ominous death of a family member in the near future, shall we? Lovely.

Bah. In a foul mood once again. Tearing up but i'm determined not to cry. I refuse to let my stupid emotions get the better of me. They need to go, because it's them that's causing all my problems. Right at this moment in time, i strongly dislike EVERYONE. My friends, my family, my boyfriend. I'm not saying i hate them, i don't. I'm just saying that right now i don't want to be around anyone. I don't want human contact, because feeling human makes me feel ill, and sad, and hollow and empty and all those other things that drove me to try and kill myself. I want to get in touch with my counsellor again, but i'm scared to do that because it means admitting that i can't do this on my own. BUT I CAN. I have to. If i can't fix myself then who the hell can. I've spent the whole day today talking to an empty room, having a full on conversation with one of my none-existant characters because i have NO ONE left to talk to. Everyone else is busy getting on with their lives and i'm stuck. It's like a one man groundhog day and it's driving me crazy. No matter how hard i try i can't drag myself out of this vicious circle and it's slowly driving me mad. I can't eat, i can't sleep, all i can do is pretend that i'm fine and carry on like normal. But i'm not fine am i?! It's not bloody normal to abandon all my friends, push everyone away, want to hole myself up and spend all my time talking to characters that don't exist because they know me better than anyone else anyway. IT'S NOT NORMAL. What the hell is wrong with me >___< why do i feel so... Distant, so inhuman... Like i'm on the wrong planet or something. Maybe i am some sort of experiment that's been put here... GODDAMIT why does everything i say have to sound so twisted?? I don't mean it to, i'm trying to be rational, but my brain is warped and out of synch, i can't think straight. I don't even know what day it is... Thursday, friday? I have work tomorrow so it's friday... If i even get up in time for work... Oh god, work, i can't stand that place. Everyone's looking at me and judging me and talking about me, i know they are... I have no one. I'm a loner once again, my life seems to have done a 180 and reversed a few years, i'm exactly how i used to be. A shaken up, paranoid, lonely, pathetic little girl with no life beyond her room and her computer games.

I really, really hate most people right now.

Going back to talk to the walls. Ha.

Wonder how much longer i can survive like this? Who's gonna listen now? Maybe i should try to get rid of all my emotions, it seems easier that way. No emotions, no guilt, no feelings of pain or sorrow or remorse. Who in the hell decided to give humans emotions anyway, what a dumbass idea.

Jesus...

Someone help me...

I think i'm losing it completely...

Don't cry... It won't help...

Sorry, ignore all this, i just don't really know who, or even what i am anymore.

</pointless crap that no one cares about anyway. Oh hey, that's a description of me!>

I got up at 11 today despite being up till 5am last night (usually when i do that i sleep until at least 1pm XD) ..i have that tired sicky feeling but i don't mind too much. I NEED to get an early night tonight, since i kinda failed last night and i was supposed to be trying to normalise my sleeping patterns for work XD I just watched Ghost Rider again... Don't get me wrong, i love that film, but what's with all the pointing nonsense!!! ARGH, he just looks like a total spazztoid!!! Recap:

Jonny Blaze: .....*points*..............................you.
ajosiefrpeoasgtsoihytesgrea fail.
Just one of those things that i can't take seriously at all XD

Aaaaanyway. I can't really think of anything to do today, cuz i can't very well do anything in my room when the wardrobe is lying on the floor taking up pretty much all the space in there... I should do some more art really, but i'm not in an arty mood... Fellow artists will understand the annoyance of artists block XD

I think i'll go clean out my chest of drawers.

That is all.

</ramble>

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY. Lynda's off ill so there's no one to sort out my overtime so i'm freeeeeeeeee for 2 days!!! And as such i have been lazing about and hermiting and generally having a really nice time with me myself and I. I've been doing the staying up till 5am and getting up at 1pm thing again, but that's ok in the holidays i feel XD normal bed-time tonight though cuz i need to be able to get up at 7:30 on Saturday morning to get ready for work at 8:45. BAAAAAAAAAH. Same on Sunday too ¬___¬ buuut i'm not to bothered really. I just like having something to complain about.

I still haven't got it together to go and see Josh... I just can't be bothered, and i know that sounds harsh, but i hardly get any time to myself anymore, what with work and school and coursework and people pestering me to go out drinking and stuff... Eeeeeeeeeeh, i'm not trying to be a scrooge or party pooper, i just want these 3 days to chill out and do nothing but Final Fantasy, Black and White, artwork and bedroom. I've started filling in all the holes in my walls and it's upset me a bit because it's kind of made me realise what a violent and aggressive person i actually am. Some of the holes are unreal, and i can't believe i did them with my own fists... Meh...

Anyway. Got stuff to do so i'll talk later, mutti's nagging again.

Tatty bye!

</spam>

I did get to go home at 6 from work the other day, but i didn't even have to make up an excuse cuz the store manager decided to close the store an hour early! (Y) It went REALLY fast because i was busy all morning on clothing then Paul had me running about doing his jobs for ages, which was actually fun (more fun than clothing anyway) so i might have to do more overtime cuz i get the chance to work on Ambient with all the cool people XD

However, i didn't actually get home from work until 7:30 because mum was spazzing driving around all over the place for no reason that she explained. Then i went to Amz's and we had a right laugh XD we went through 2 medium bottles of Bulmers and a big 2ltr bottle of Blackthorn, and i was amazed that it barely did anything to me at all. Wine is the one that gets me wankered... We played beyblades which was awesome, and i actually managed to win one fight XD then we went out for a walk, as usual, and found a tree which we dubbed Amz and Beki's Special Tree XD we pissed about for about an hour scaring people in their cars, then went back to have cheese and crackers! Amz destroyed a bunch of traffic cones and barriers round road works on the way back, and we turned a post box into the Dark Magician (we were on the wine by this point, i should point out). Went to bed at about 2am after watching random shit on Newgrounds for a bit. All in all twas a fun night! ...Oh yeah, and Amz took a very embarassing video of me chewing on a tree yelling 'I'M A BEAVER!!'... That was my drunkest moment XD

I'm not hungover at all today, nothing whatsoever! Got up at 10:30 with no problems, played Final Fantasy for a while, and came home! Good time, good time.

I have only one thing left to say.

OOOOOH FOOOKIE DOOO!!!!!

Banyaaaaaaiii! That is all.

</spam> 

MY EASTER EGG IS HALF GREEN!!! omg it's the coolest thing ever XD XD I BET YOU DON'T HAVE A GREEN EASTER EGG DO YA?!?! HUH?! HUH?!?!?!?

Aaaanyway. Work wasn't so bad today, it did drag quite a bit though. Tomorrow i'm going to ask Lynda if i can go home at 6 instead of 7... make some excuse up <.< >.> The actual reason is that i'm going for a PISS UP AND OURAN MARATHON AT AMZ'S!!! Mum's got over her whole 'you will never see her again' thing. Waaaaaaaaaaai!!! I'm looking forward to it, it feels like i haven't seen anyone for weeks, when it's actually only been a few days XD XD Amz has got me into Ouran again, which i haven't seen for ages so i'm fangirling and obsessing again X3

So yeaaaaah. Then i think i'm doing overtime the rest of this week. So bah to that, but Lynda can forget me doing anything but my normal hours on Tueday, cuz if i've been at Amz's i won't be up till 12 and i'll probably be hungover. So i'll just do 4:30 till 10 and she'll have to deal with that.

BANYAAAAAAAAAAIII!!

That is all.

</ramble>

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaai... I'm so freaking tired ¬____¬ i couldn't sleep last night because i was coughing so much and it was keeping me awake. My mum came marching in with a hot lemon at about 1am ranting that if i didn't stop coughing i could sleep in the garden coz i was keeping everyone awake... As if it's my fault i've got a killer cough! ...So i drank the hot lemon and it helped a bit, but then i couldn't sleep, so i watched House Of Wax... It was rubbish ¬___¬ the only good thing about it is that Paris Hilton gets killed. But it bored me to sleep, so that's ok i suppose... Then Makro rang at 10am to find out if i was working i was like 'FWEROAGNHREOAJREAFRAHRE of course i am you told me to!!!!!!!!' ...and she was acting all confused when i told her that she'd told me to do a 12-9 shift... DOES SHE REALLY THINK I'D VOLUNTARILY PUT THAT ON MYSELF?! Someone would have to tell me to do it or there's no way in hell that i'd even consider it. So anyway, she said she only wants me till 8, which is better i suppose, only a normal 8 hour shift that way, but still... They have no organisational skills whatsoever in Makro, you don't ask someone to do overtime then forget about it ¬____¬ Jebus...

Anyway, i'd better go get ready since i have to be ready to leave in half an hour... I'm so not in the mood for Makro today, i'm just going to be coughing my guts up the whole time i'm there and growling at customers to avoid having to speak to them... Oh well, i get payed double since it's easter, and it's overtime so it's all extra money going into my bank account. I'll just complain vigorously about it until i actually get the money, for that is the British way.

Banyaaaaaaai.

That is all.

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