Well... I've calmed down. I know i overreacted before, but being told that you may have cancer or that your kidneys might be failing is kinda scary. I've got a doctor's appointment tomorrow, so i'm in for hours of tests. Again. He's said that it's probably not going to be great news either way, so i shouldn't get my hopes up. If on the off chance it is cancer or an ovarian cyst, it'll probably mean i'll never be able to have kids. If it's my back it means i'll need alot of physiotherapy and i'll be relying on co-codamol (pain killer) for the rest of my life, plus i'll probably need a cane to walk, on top of the fact that i'll have to see a counsellor again and only take my pills under supervision because i'm not allowed near pain killers or anti-depressants anymore. If it's my kidneys, which is apparently doubtful, i have no idea what they'll do because i'm not a doctor and he didn't go into that possiblitly. I'm probably going to be referred to the hospital if my doctor can't find significant evidence that it's just muscular and nerve damage.

There is another possiblitly. I've strained or pulled my back, and it's only so painful because my back is weak already. If this is the case a few weeks of physio should be enough to get me back to normal. Here's hoping that it's only that.

For now i'm doped up on my dads pain killers and i'm going to bed before i pass out. Yeah, it does hurt that much, actually. Imagine being stabbed in the back with a blunt pitch for that's on fire. Repeatedly. That's what this feels like. Not fun.

</spam>

Ok, i'm currently distraught so i'm really sorry if this all comes out distorted and gibberish. And i'd also like to point out that i'm only writing in here because i'm scared to tell people things like this to their face, so i'd rather just write it down because at least it makes me feel better.

A few years ago, as most people who know me will know, i had a pretty serious horse riding accident. My back was damaged quite badly and doctors said it would probably catch up with me in 20-30 years time. Recently i've been suffering from excrutiating pelvic and back pain, but i just assumed it's because 1- it's time of the month and my back always gets worse and 2- the doctors were wrong about the time span and it's just catching up with me a little earlier. But today i was in so much pain that i actually had to use a cane just to walk down the street to pick up the fruit for my mum. So i rang my doctor, and he said 'I don't want you to panic, but your symptoms could point to ovarian cancer.' ...Don't panic? No, of course not. You're telling me there's a chance i've got a people-killing disease, and you don't want me to panic? Great. So, more tests are to be run, and there's a chance i'll be spending quite alot of time in hospital and that i may never have kids.

Why the hell is there always something wrong with me. What did i ever do to anyone to deserve all this?? First a horse falls on me, then it's neurological problems, then i have manic depression and bipolar disorder, and now it's cancer. Is this karma? Am i really that much of a bad person?

Well, here's hoping that I'M right and the doctor's suspicions are wrong. Here's hoping that this IS just premature back pain, and not freaking cancer or the other possiblitly. Yeah, there's another one. Kidney failure.

Other than that i'm feeling just GREAT today.

</rant>

OMG best day ever in work XD it was soooooo much fun tonight, because there was no work to do so we just mucked about for the last three hours XP Me and Kelly were in fits because when we were tidying the clothes Harry and Dan came round the corner HOLDING HANDS. Yeah. No joke, they didn't see us at first and when they did they leapt apart and Dan went really red XD XD XD then, obviously, they started mucking about pretending they were faking it, but we've decided that they're gay whether they like it or not.

Then later on in the canteen it was me and Kelly sitting on a table trying to be quiet and sensible (XD) when Jack, Harry and Danny came in yelling like 10 year olds. They were bullying Jack because you can't say his name like BEK-KEEEY or DAN-NEEEY or KEL-EEEY or HAR-REEEY, so he was the odd one out. And then they just sat there yelling like idiots and making a scene XP

BUT best part of the night ever was. There's this new girl who obviously fancies Danny, and i was going down to checkouts to talk to Nik and Danny started yelling at me. We're pretty good mates so as far as we're concerned this kind of thing is ok XD

Danny: I want you!!
Me: Get over yourself Danny.
Danny: I love you.
Me: I'm sure you do.
Danny: Wear my ring. Marry me.
Me: No.
Danny: I'll build you a house.
Me: O rly??

..But the LOOK the new girl gave me was priceless XD best set of evils i've ever seen on a person in my life XD so me and Kelly naturally pissed her off by flirting shamelessly with Danny right infront of her XP good times, good times.

Anyway, enough ranting about how awesome my workplace is. I'm going to bed XP

<spam>

GAH. I AM BLIND. MY RETINAS HAVE COMMITTED SUICIDE.

I need to stop drawing when i can't open my eyes anymore, it's really not good. And whatever i draw turns out crap when i'm tired XP

I had 3 hours sleep last night.

I'm going to bed.

</spam>

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAI men are so blothersom. And yes, blothersom is a real word that i just made up while talking to Harry on msn. So feh. But really, they are. The fact that i've all of a sudden become very close to one of my good male friends is causing conflict between me and a couple of female friends who i haven't known all that long, but it still upsets me. And a certain Nathan decided he was going to try and come on to me which disturbed me greatly inside. NO RLY. And i had a huge bust up with Josh which i think we've sort of settled now (no help from Ruth, thank you dear XD)

Ruth: Well you need to ask a question to get an answer.
Josh: I did ask her a question.
Ruth: What was that? Sorry i can't hear you.
Josh: I did ask.
Ruth: What? What? Are you speaking??
Josh: I asked a question!
Ruth: Are you calling me a liar??
Josh: ...no, i'm saying i asked a question.
Ruth: Are you being racist??
Josh: How am i being racist?
Ruth: What did you say about my mum????

I was wetting myself laughing in the corner XD Ruth is a legend, she really is XD

Just went out for a meal with my folks. As per usual it ended in an argument, but that's normal for my family XD

I'm now shattered and i can't be arsed writing anymore, so i'll be off to watch some House (i bum house, srsly) and then i'm going to bed. Tatty bye.

</spam>

I MISSED MAI SCHOOL BUS!!!!! D8

Never mind, i'll just have to get the 9:10 one and hope that i'm free first lesson, because i have no idea. I'm an idiot and i still haven't memoriesed my timetable XP

I think i might go to the gym tonight. My mum's right, i'm really starting to put on weight so i do kinda need to go at some point XD I'm not thin anymore, and i hate that. I don't like to conform to a stereotype and go for the whole 'For i must be skinny' angle, i just don't like having excess weight on me. I will always have a big bum and broad shoulders due to years of swimming and horse riding, i can't change that, i'd just rather not have a big stomach aswell XD So, gym it is and mission weight loss starts today.

That is all.

</spam>

OMG. Goldenboy = One of the funniest anime's i've ever seen. Really, i've nearly died laughing several times. WATCH IT, you, who ever you are XD ...Kintaro is one of the weirdest most spazzy characters ever, but he's awesome. He keeps getting caught humping toilets. Yeah, you get the idea. IT'S SO FUNNY THOUGH!!! *runs off to watch last ep*

</spam>

Have you ever been so attached to a piece of jewellery that you feel completely naked without it?? I am, i feel like i'm missing a part of my hand if i don't wear my two chunky silver man-rings XD

Home early, bored, might go play Drakengard. Amz came into school and we went up town to do some art, so i feel like a bit of a bum. Gonna talk to Miss B tomorrow, i need to let her know what's going on.

Had a good day though. Broken arse walk XD XD Amz spat water everywhere because of that o.O

That is all.

</spam>

Beki ish tiiiiiiiiiiiiired =3= *shuichi pout*

I'm seriously exhausted. And i still don't have nearly enough art finished. Carl gave me some good advice just now. (he's the reason i waste all my texts within the first day of having them XD) "When in doubt, grovel." XD He's set my head straight a bit though. My initial plans were to either stay up all night thus totally physically and mentally exhausting myself, or skip school tomorrow. To which he said "You're a moron if you do either of those. Go in, hold your hands up and tell them the truth. You haven't done enough work over easter because you were overtiming yourself to death. The worst they can do is yell at you." ..and then i stared at the phone for a while, went 'gu...gu...guah?' and started crying. It's weird, it's like he knows me back to front and inside out already, despite the fact that we met in a pub only 4 months ago. I swear he's secretly an agony aunt, he knows exactly what to say and how to say it. And he's right, the best thing i can do tomorrow is go in, ask Miss B for a minute to talk and explain that i didn't do any work over easter because i was overtiming myself into oblivion and clearing out my room (which was absolutely revolting. I'm not kidding, a tramp would live in better conditions. Flies were dying in there, it was that bad) so that took about 3 hours a day, plus i was doing anything between 6 and 12 hour shifts nearly every day... I exhausted myself and i didn't make time for anything else. I'll explain that to her, and beg her to let me hand in my work on wednesday. That way i can spend tuesday night (my night off!) finishing up and mounting things.

You know what, I've been told recently by someone who was once my friend that i need to grow up. I think i've now met the person who can give me that push towards leaving my past behind me and actually changing myself. Everything he says makes sense, and he's helping me make the changes i want to make more than my counsellor or therapists ever did. He's a wonderful friend, i just wish he could read this so he would know how much i appreciate everything he's done for me... I'll have to print it off and give it to him or something XD

I also need to either make up or break up with Josh. It's not fair putting him through all this just because i'm unbalanced and distracted at the moment. He deserves better, the idiot, i just wish he'd see that. *sigh* nevermind, i'll think it over tonight and decide what to do tomorrow.

Now i need sleep.

</blah rant thing>

"OH MY WHAT THE FUCK OFF!!!" XD that was the only thing that made work funny tonight. Apart from that it was a piss take, really. We had free cookies and coke though (Y)

Yaoi fangirling with Amz at the moment. We're just that awesome.

Pulling an all nighter tonight to get art finished. Working till 10 tomorrow night. Will be dead on Tuesday.

That is all.

</spam>

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaai had fun at Mark's!! (Y) cba going into immense detail about it but... Me and Amz got waaaay more alcohol than we needed, comandeered the couch and sat there all night drinking, smoking (i only had one fag because the only reason i smoke when i'm drunk is to calm me down. I'd be impossible if i didn't) and generally having a laugh. We had a spazzy fit over gravitation, fangirled over the band and as we got steadily drunker started to act more and more stupid. Fun times, fun times. The only thing that ruined it for me was Josh deciding he was going to get in a big mood and lecture me for an hour on stuff i've heard a million times before. However, because i was drunk i totally spaced out and started thinking about Gojyo of all people XD then i sat up, spazzed and decided i was drawing Gojyo on Amz's neck XD XD amused me terribly, it did.. I got really pissed off with Josh though and stormed out without saying goodbye when me and Amz finally decided to go home at 2:30am. Buuut, we'll talk it through on monday, i think it was the alcohol that was making me get so pissed off.

Aaaanyway. Woke up at 10 today and me and Amz just blobbed playing Drakengard until mum came to get me at 1:30. Got the PI count today which sucks bum but it's only 4 hours so feh. I can handle it XD

Probably pulling an all nighter tonight so i can finish art, then i'm working tomorrow night so i am going to be absolutely exhausted come tuesday, but i think i'll manage XD

Erm.. That's all i have to say. Except that i just discovered a really bad drawing of Gojyo on my hand XD XD it looks like he has a drinking straw sticking out the top of his head XD XD

Oh, and [Swollenfish] is now Swollen Fish Crotch Boy as of yesterday night. If you want to know, ask. But really, you don't want to know XD XD XD

</spam>

HURRY UP EBAY STUFF!!! *spazzes*

I need to give Amz her present before she accidentally buys what i've bought her XD XD I'm refusing to tell her what it is, but i think that she should have guessed by now XD

Had fun today, had a total spazz fit in art, i was in a stupid mood XP I was gonna go out tonight with my work dudes but i cba now, i'm to tired. I just fell asleep at my keyboard lerd XD

Amz is coming over tomorrow (Y) we're going out to steal garden ornaments and pot plants to decorate my new room with XD then Mark's party tomorrow (BOOOOOOOZE) and hungover PI count on sunday. Fun fun.

That is all.

</blah>

Ordered all my Cosplay gear off Ebay X3 X3 i can't wait to be Tamaki, it's going to be tres awesome!! I'm determined to convince a few people that i'm actually a boy XD i'm wearing my boob-flattening corset underneath my costume so hopefully i'll fool a few people XD XD

Me and Amz were discussing going to the London one dressed as Sanzo and Gojyo from Saiyuki and carrying round a sign saying 'will yaoi for money' XD XD The only issue we'd have is we'd be fighting over who gets to be Sanzo XD XD

OMAIGAWD gonna be so much fuuuun X3 i get to retard around in my Tamaki costume scaring people! And i'm buying a black wig for [Raychell] tonight so she can be Setsuna from Negima, and Atay is coming as Lucy from Elfen Lied and Danny is coming as god only knows what XD XD It's gonna be fuuuuuun!!!

I've decided i'm wearing my costume into school and i'm gonna freak a few people out, just for the lulz! XD

That is all

</cosplay ramble>

HAHAHAHALOL I just freaked some dude out on FTJ XD XD

Guy: Hey, ur pretty, do u cyber?
Me: ...Go ask Alice.
Guy: Whoz alice?
Me: Go ask Alice, when she's 10ft tall.
Guy: wot r u talking about?
Me: Twinkle, twinkle, little bat! How I wonder what you're at.
Guy: Ur weird!
Me: Weird? Mad you mean. We're all mad here.
Guy: Woteva..

And then he logged off XD XD aaah, the things that amuse you at 1am XD

</pointless>

AAAAAAAAAAARGH. Work bored me half to death today, i seriously thought i was going to die. DIE. You would think standing around doing nothing for 6 hours would be a piece of piss, but it's bloody not!!! It's infuriatingly difficult! Especially for someone like me who has the shortest attention span in the world. If i get one moment where i don't have to be doing anything i instantly zone out and dissapear into my own little world. I need something to occupy myself with or i go all spacey and people think i'm on drugs XD GADS SAIK!!! Seriously. Here's the breakdown of what happens when i go in on a weekend. I arrive at noon, say hi to Louise and take over on the jewellery/tobacco counter. Louise comes back at 3.15 and i go on my dinner break. I go back to the counter at 4pm and stay there until 6.30pm. I shut down the counter which takes half an hour and go on the shop floor until 8pm. I spend 5 hours and 45 minutes on that counter, and in that time i usually serve about 7 customers. 7 intervals in nearly 6 hours of utter boredom IS NOT ALL THAT MUCH ACTUALLY. I HATE doing the late shift, i really do. The day seems to drag WAY more, and i don't actually know why because it's actually half an hour shorter than a normal day shift. BUT I AM SO ARSED GOING AND DOING IT ALL OVER AGAIN TOMORROW, I GENUINELY THINK I MIGHT EXPLODE.

</rant>

In other news, i've been watching Azumanga Daioh and it really amuses me. <3 YAY new anime. And i got my payslip. £627 this month. Almost makes all the insanity involving stupid hours, ridiculous overtime, losing the job, getting the job back, almost messing up a 7 month relationship and general mental confusion worth it. Almost.

That is all.

</spam>

I just watched 1408 again, and it confused me a bit because it had a different ending to the one i saw in the cinema XD I was like 'i'm sure it ended differently o.O' ...Turns out i downloaded the directors cut, with the original ending. Apparently people thought the original ending was too much of a 'downer' but i actually preferred it to the alternate one. It was much sadder, yes, but it gave a distinct finality that the alternate ending failed at. Anyway, i love that movie <3 <3 very eerie, unsettling... I really want to go and find the Dolphin hotel, if it's real... And if it's not, i want to find one similar with a room 1408 and go and stay there! :P

That is all.

</spam>

OK GAIZ. Last boy related entry, i've sorted it. Josh knows about what's been going on, i think he's always had an inkling, he's not as much of an idiot as he pretends to be :p But he knows, and he knows that i have no intentions of breaking up with him or having ANY sort of relationship with Carl beyond friendship. I've made the decision to just keep it together with Josh, pull out of the rough patch we're in and such. It's not worth throwing away a 7 month relationship for what would just end up being a quick fling (probably). So. That's my decision, i've told Carl, and he's accepted that and said he still wants to be friends. So. Boy troubles sorted :D

Now.
The time has come, the Walrus said,
To talk of many things,
of shoes and ships and sealing-wax,
of cabbages and kings,
and why the sea is boiling hot
and whether pigs have wings.

...Yes, i'm not going to talk about any of those things XD In fact, i'm going to go to bed i think, because i'm absolutely completely and utterly shattered beyond belief.

That is all.

</spam>

AGREJAOIRAVREAHG work really exhausted me today. My feet feel like they're going to drop off XD Fortunately for me, the new late/night manager is rather sexy (in a John Simm kinda way) so i don't mind having to tidy wellies till 10pm XD

Rang my cuz who i haven't spoken too in a while and the first thing he said to me was 'good god, you sound so old...' which made me go o.O he then explained that i sounded exhausted and weary, like i'd suddenly aged 40 years since we last spoke about 2 months ago. It worried me a bit, but i guess i have been stressed out the last couple of weeks, and it's probably got to me more than i've realised. Now i'm talking to Carl because in the 4 short months i've known him he has become the first person i turn too when i feel down =]

Truth be told i think i might be falling for him. Like falling falling, properly. I've liked him for a while as past diary entries have explained, buuuut... Well yeah... When i was with Josh today, it just didn't feel the same... Not right anymore, almost forced... I dunno... I'll just see what happens :p

Sorry, you whoever you are probably don't want to read all this... It's just since Carl is the one i talk to about everything, i can't very well talk to him about himself XD so i talk to my diary so i can try and gain some clarity on the situation! Feel free to ignore rambles like this XP

That is all.

</spam>

Carl is a good friend. A good friend i say. I have never in my life talked to someone on the phone for 2 hours, until tonight. It's now 2am and i'm going to kill him next time i see him because i have to be up at 6:30 tomorrow.. well.. today..

Me: Carl, you've kept me up 2 hours past my planned bed time.
Carl: Oh my, how frightfully naughty of me.
Me: *¬___¬* you know the only reason you're still alive is because it's illegal for me to kill you?
Carl: And it's kinda hard to kill someone via a phone?
Me: Well, yes, and that...
Carl: Unless of course... you use... *long pause*
Me: ....?
Carl: MIND BULLETS!!!!
Me: *dies laughing*

He really makes me laugh that boy =] i'm glad i met him! Oh the joys of a social life outside school. Not saying that i don't love and adore all my school friends, but sometimes it's nice to hang out with a totally different crowd of folk, you know? Savour all the stereotypes this generation's gene pool has to offer. As i mentioned to Carl. He asked me if i was trying to sound like Darwin, or Jonathan Ross. Sarcastic twat.

I <3 him so much right now X3 i haven't smiled this much since the last time i was at Amz's XD He just sent me a text saying 'I weally hope you apweciate what i, as a supewior member of the human wace, am doing for your stweet cwed, Jonathan Woss.' XD XD and that's only funny if you know who Jonathan Ross is and you were part of the conversation we were just having.

Aaanyway, enough about the reasons behind my hysterical laughter and uncontrollable grinning tonight. I'm off to bed.

</spam>

Maaaaagh. Possession films really creep me out =/ there's something very unsettling about possession i think ¬____¬ (yeah, i just watched the Exorcist and the Exorcism of Emily Rose one after the other XD)

In other news, my brain is hurting from trying to solve a rubiks cube, and failing quite miserably. I refuse to quit it though! IT IS MY DESTINY!!!

I feel like playing Bloody Roar again...

That is all.

</ramble>