Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh. Work again today. It went fast yesterday so i'm hoping it will today aswell. Then i'm going to Amz's tonight and i've gotta pull and all nighter to try and get this work done, or i'm buggered on monday. I think i might tell Miss B that i'm taking monday off time table to get all my art finished, or my marks are going to be horrific. I'm also going to sneak the projects out and add too them over the next week before they get properly sent off. Psychology exam on Tuesday which i'm dreading. Lot's of cramming on monday night after work. I'm considering taking monday off ill to be honest, because otherwise i'm just going to have no chance at all of passing this exam.

So yeah. Not really looking forward to work today. Got a migrane coming on, which is distressing. I might have a chat to Lindsay and ask if i can go home early, because my head is banging already and i'm not even there yet, and i've got a million other things to be doing right now. I've just decided i'm going to take monday off, i know i'll probably get fired, but i really need the time for my art, which at the moment is more important than my job.

So basically, i'm in a bad mood today.

</spam>

Blaaaaah, i still CBA with work today. It's ok cuz i dont have to go in till 11:30, but it's not ok because i have to stay there until 8pm. GHEY. Uber gay. And tomorrow it's 10 until 6:30, same hours but with an earlier start. It's massively depressing. I think i might just stay there a few more months, save up all my wages and then quit and look for a job that will actually keep me busy until it's time to go home. If there's one thing i cant stand about Makro, it's the standing there and doing nothing for near on 6 hours, then going out on to the shop floor and doing more nothing for another 2 hours. It is really, really boring.

Rant over, i've gotta go and get my stuff together now. And i'll be pulling an all nighter tonight to try and finish all my unfinished artwork as the deadline is monday. As well as revising for psychology. STRESS STRESS PANIC STRESS.

</moody rant>

AAAAAAAAAARGH.

I really really really really CBA with work tomorroooooooow!!!

It's just one of those days... i've had a really nice week, i've only been in work for one day, and i just don't feel like doing anything except lazing about in the sun and... that's it XD

BUT I HAVE TO STAND BEHIND A FECKING JEWELLERY COUNTER FOR 8 HOURS INSTEAD.

Because i'm being paid to do so.

GHEY.

</rant>

Wheee, i've had a good day today aye! Hung out with Amz for most of the day, and me her and Jem had a giggle in the library when Jem was on poppers XD

Jem: *giggling*
Amz: LOOOK!!!!! A DEAR!!! A FEMALE DEAR!!!!
Jem: *lol* i have a wide bum hole!

XD Then after school i bogged into Chester with Nath and Gemma, which was really fuuuuuun! We had a good time X3 I saw my Big Issue friend, and Snake who i haven't seen in ages. He walked out of Tesco with a bag full of stuff and all the alarms went off o.o but they just ignored him XD Lol, Snake rules. Aaanyway, then we went to Gamestation and there was a sale on Final Fantasy figures so i was like 'OMG BUYING BALTHIER!!!!!!11111ONE *FANGIRL SQUEEL*' ..So i did XD And Gemma got a Sephiroth and we made them make out in Pizza Hut which was highly amusing XD Sephiroth made a nose dive into my lap at one point, which was the funniest thing ever at the time XD XD

Good day! And i saw Dan Glass on the bus on the way home, wearing a name badge that said Steven o.o Yeeeeeeeah.

That is all.

</spazz>

GAAAAAAAAAAH I gotz sunburrrrn :O Bastard hot weather, i want it to be cold and rainy again XP ...I'm naturally really REALLY pale, and i actually like being so white (mainly because i look a pillock with a tan), so sitting out in the sun for 2-3 hours a day without sun cream really isn't going to do me any good XD Oh well, it's cloudy today so hopefully i'll be ok.

I was soooooo tired last night. I was meant to be going out to Amz's, and i was nagging my mum to give me a lift. She said she would after tea, which i didnt want because id already eaten, so i went upstairs and had a lie down cuz my back was hurting. Then i fell asleep. And i woke up at 7 this morning feeling confused and disorientated o.o i hate falling asleep at stupid o'clock in the afternoon, it really messes with your head, AND i still feel tired... So bugger that...

The night BEFORE that i stayed at Gemma's, and ended up sitting up most of the night in the bathroom looking after Nathan (Gemma's housemate) because the stupid bugger had gone and got himself drunk and was throwing up. I go all mother hen whenever anyone's sick so i took it upon myself to make sure he was ok, get him some water and send him straight to bed when he was done emptying the contents of his stomach XD XD Then me and Gemma watched a bit of LotR before we crashed at about 1.30am.

And. The last of my news. I broke up with Josh. Well, technically we're on a break, but i think it's going to stay like this because i feel much happier single. I think, after 8 months, our relationship was becoming habit... Sooo, as harsh as all that sounds, I'm single again and i feel much better off for it ^.^ One less thing to stress about over exam time, eh? I'll worry about boys again when i'm not killing myself trying to get all my exam stuff done XD

That is all for the update today o.o

</spam>

LOL omg i'm being a diary whore but i just found a moth in my glass of milk, drowning away XD XD XD leaving a little trail of wing scales behind it. LOL that amuses me so much.

Did i mention that i absolutely can't stand moths and i have a huge phobia of them?

*sets fire to it*

Lol

</spam>

Listening to alot of Pendulum recently XP It's Miranda's fault. I'm in love with that music. That's all i have to say.

</spam>

Oh god Haz amused me in work today. He is such a loon, he makes going to work worth it XD

Me: Bleh, i need to lose weight.
Haz: Pff, no you don't, you have a nice figure.
Me: I don't, my hips are obscenely big.
Haz: Y'ALLZ GOT GEWD BIRTHIN' HIPS!!!!

He proper SCREAMED it in a hick-ish accent and i just pissed myself laughing, it was the funniest thing i've ever heard XD Work was alright tonight, it went quite fast and everyone was in an ok mood.

School was fun too, chilled in the park at dinner and fourth lesson. Yaaaaaaay.

Lazy day tomorrow. Driving lesson then staying at [Pinup_princess]' place <3 <3 i love it there, i can be as slovenly as i like and no one cares XD i need a shower o.o *off to shower*

</spam>

Wheeeeeeeeee, it's official, i've poked a dead body XD XD Me and Amz went to see the dead body exhibit thing in Manchester and i poked one of the bodies and Amz LICKED one XD XD Sooo that was fun, and then we went to Affleks, which was buggering harder than you'd think XD XD we were wandering around Manchester for about an hour, and we walked past it about 3 times, but we eventually found it and it was well worth it XP we got served for poppers, which amused me greatly, and i bought a gothic lolita kimono, which made me very happy XP

Me and Amz had some poppers on the way home in the car and had the biggest spazz fit ever XP i was giggling like an idiot and i found everything hilarious, and Amz's vision went all blurry and she had a mini rave XP it was awesome! :p

And for those who don't know, poppers are a LEGAL high, nothing bad, just a bit of fun.

So a good day out (Y)

</spam>

LOL im sitting here with batteries up my nose o.O i only just realised how retarded that was ¬___¬;;

Aaaaanyway. I have had the BEST couple of days ever X3 Stayed at Amz's on Thursday night (which is becoming a regular thing o.O) and once again she covered me in blood for a photo shoot XD we got some awesome pics out of it though, which i'll put up here as soon as i work the camera out o.O *technologically retarded* so aaaaanyway. Me and Amz went to Jem's on friday night. I didn't really know Jem that well, i thought she was a bit quiet, but she is a-mazing when you get to know her a bit XP we had sooooo much fun! We went out to the pub and me and Jem danced like pillocks to Michael Jackson XP and then i made friends with some random guy with long hair and CHEEKBONES (<3) who was sitting around o.O some of the best quotes ever came from last night too, inculding:

"Have you seen my... One ring? *eyebrow wiggle*" aka, best chat up line ever.
"Jem, this is not your face. It has clothes on it." aka, Amz being LOL
"...EINSTEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIN!!!!" aka, just Jem XD

So yeah, goooooood night. Then me Amz and Jem went into Chester today and had a right old giggle ^.^ Best bit of the day when i pointed out to some guy that his hat looked like a condom XP we were on the bus waiting for it to leave, and he was walking past it when i caught his attention by waving frantically XD

Me: Your hat!
Guy: What? You starting??
Me: No, your hat looks like a condom!
Guy: You WHAT?!? *does that sticky-out-arm swagger thing*
Me: CONDOM HAT!!!
Guy: *struts over to side of bus with arms sticking out*
Me: *holds up peace-symbol*
Guy: WHAT?!?!
Me: Peace and love, dude!!
Amz+Jem: XD XD

And it was awesome XP

So basically, i've had looooooooads of fun the last couple of days, AND I WANNA DO IT AGAIN SOOOOOOON!!! Party at my place, and everyone's invited!!! XP

</awesome>

Roite. I'm at Amz's now and im on her laptop. It's a wel known fact that i cant type on her laptop, so i'll be quick. Went to the doctors, had another gay ass blood test. Then got referred to the surgery's back-specialist or whatever. She checked out my back and it turns out that over the last 3 or so months my lower back muscles have been spasming and it's pulled my spine out of place. So basically i have an off-centre spine, and that's what's causing all the pain in my back and down my leg. Soooo, i've been put back on co-codamol and a course of anti-inflamatries which i'll be on for a few months, and i'm being referred to another physiotherapist aswell as my private one. The doctor's are contacting Makro to let them know what the situation is so that i'm not expected to do any heavy lifting and what have you. I can't over-work my back because this is my spine, not my muscles, so exercise won't actually help. If my spine gets pulled over to the left any further it could completely paralyse my left leg, so it's a good job they noticed this when they did.

That's basically it. It's not great news, but at least it's not cancer or kidney failure. It just means i'll probably be affected by this forever and it may be crippling in later life. But i wont worry about that now, what matters now is that i get through this course of painkillers and physiotherapy and pull through my exams XD I'll be ok, and i'll worry about paralysis when it actually happens :p

</explanation>

Okaaaaaay *diary whore* ...I'm feeling much better now after talking to friends. I've decided that whatever happens, happens. Life goes on, albeit a bit more slowly if i have to walk with a cane :p but whatever happens as long as i'm alive, that's cool with me.

I've been talking about Scarification with Amz. She wants to get her back done so it looks like she has had wings ripped out. I was thinking of getting a Y-Cut so it looks like i've had an autopsy :P sure it'll hurt like a bitch, but it's more interesting than a tattoo or piercing XD

So yeah, i feel better. Let's just hope the doctor doesn't bring my good mood crashing down.

</spam>

Well... I've calmed down. I know i overreacted before, but being told that you may have cancer or that your kidneys might be failing is kinda scary. I've got a doctor's appointment tomorrow, so i'm in for hours of tests. Again. He's said that it's probably not going to be great news either way, so i shouldn't get my hopes up. If on the off chance it is cancer or an ovarian cyst, it'll probably mean i'll never be able to have kids. If it's my back it means i'll need alot of physiotherapy and i'll be relying on co-codamol (pain killer) for the rest of my life, plus i'll probably need a cane to walk, on top of the fact that i'll have to see a counsellor again and only take my pills under supervision because i'm not allowed near pain killers or anti-depressants anymore. If it's my kidneys, which is apparently doubtful, i have no idea what they'll do because i'm not a doctor and he didn't go into that possiblitly. I'm probably going to be referred to the hospital if my doctor can't find significant evidence that it's just muscular and nerve damage.

There is another possiblitly. I've strained or pulled my back, and it's only so painful because my back is weak already. If this is the case a few weeks of physio should be enough to get me back to normal. Here's hoping that it's only that.

For now i'm doped up on my dads pain killers and i'm going to bed before i pass out. Yeah, it does hurt that much, actually. Imagine being stabbed in the back with a blunt pitch for that's on fire. Repeatedly. That's what this feels like. Not fun.

</spam>

Ok, i'm currently distraught so i'm really sorry if this all comes out distorted and gibberish. And i'd also like to point out that i'm only writing in here because i'm scared to tell people things like this to their face, so i'd rather just write it down because at least it makes me feel better.

A few years ago, as most people who know me will know, i had a pretty serious horse riding accident. My back was damaged quite badly and doctors said it would probably catch up with me in 20-30 years time. Recently i've been suffering from excrutiating pelvic and back pain, but i just assumed it's because 1- it's time of the month and my back always gets worse and 2- the doctors were wrong about the time span and it's just catching up with me a little earlier. But today i was in so much pain that i actually had to use a cane just to walk down the street to pick up the fruit for my mum. So i rang my doctor, and he said 'I don't want you to panic, but your symptoms could point to ovarian cancer.' ...Don't panic? No, of course not. You're telling me there's a chance i've got a people-killing disease, and you don't want me to panic? Great. So, more tests are to be run, and there's a chance i'll be spending quite alot of time in hospital and that i may never have kids.

Why the hell is there always something wrong with me. What did i ever do to anyone to deserve all this?? First a horse falls on me, then it's neurological problems, then i have manic depression and bipolar disorder, and now it's cancer. Is this karma? Am i really that much of a bad person?

Well, here's hoping that I'M right and the doctor's suspicions are wrong. Here's hoping that this IS just premature back pain, and not freaking cancer or the other possiblitly. Yeah, there's another one. Kidney failure.

Other than that i'm feeling just GREAT today.

</rant>

OMG best day ever in work XD it was soooooo much fun tonight, because there was no work to do so we just mucked about for the last three hours XP Me and Kelly were in fits because when we were tidying the clothes Harry and Dan came round the corner HOLDING HANDS. Yeah. No joke, they didn't see us at first and when they did they leapt apart and Dan went really red XD XD XD then, obviously, they started mucking about pretending they were faking it, but we've decided that they're gay whether they like it or not.

Then later on in the canteen it was me and Kelly sitting on a table trying to be quiet and sensible (XD) when Jack, Harry and Danny came in yelling like 10 year olds. They were bullying Jack because you can't say his name like BEK-KEEEY or DAN-NEEEY or KEL-EEEY or HAR-REEEY, so he was the odd one out. And then they just sat there yelling like idiots and making a scene XP

BUT best part of the night ever was. There's this new girl who obviously fancies Danny, and i was going down to checkouts to talk to Nik and Danny started yelling at me. We're pretty good mates so as far as we're concerned this kind of thing is ok XD

Danny: I want you!!
Me: Get over yourself Danny.
Danny: I love you.
Me: I'm sure you do.
Danny: Wear my ring. Marry me.
Me: No.
Danny: I'll build you a house.
Me: O rly??

..But the LOOK the new girl gave me was priceless XD best set of evils i've ever seen on a person in my life XD so me and Kelly naturally pissed her off by flirting shamelessly with Danny right infront of her XP good times, good times.

Anyway, enough ranting about how awesome my workplace is. I'm going to bed XP

<spam>

GAH. I AM BLIND. MY RETINAS HAVE COMMITTED SUICIDE.

I need to stop drawing when i can't open my eyes anymore, it's really not good. And whatever i draw turns out crap when i'm tired XP

I had 3 hours sleep last night.

I'm going to bed.

</spam>

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAI men are so blothersom. And yes, blothersom is a real word that i just made up while talking to Harry on msn. So feh. But really, they are. The fact that i've all of a sudden become very close to one of my good male friends is causing conflict between me and a couple of female friends who i haven't known all that long, but it still upsets me. And a certain Nathan decided he was going to try and come on to me which disturbed me greatly inside. NO RLY. And i had a huge bust up with Josh which i think we've sort of settled now (no help from Ruth, thank you dear XD)

Ruth: Well you need to ask a question to get an answer.
Josh: I did ask her a question.
Ruth: What was that? Sorry i can't hear you.
Josh: I did ask.
Ruth: What? What? Are you speaking??
Josh: I asked a question!
Ruth: Are you calling me a liar??
Josh: ...no, i'm saying i asked a question.
Ruth: Are you being racist??
Josh: How am i being racist?
Ruth: What did you say about my mum????

I was wetting myself laughing in the corner XD Ruth is a legend, she really is XD

Just went out for a meal with my folks. As per usual it ended in an argument, but that's normal for my family XD

I'm now shattered and i can't be arsed writing anymore, so i'll be off to watch some House (i bum house, srsly) and then i'm going to bed. Tatty bye.

</spam>

I MISSED MAI SCHOOL BUS!!!!! D8

Never mind, i'll just have to get the 9:10 one and hope that i'm free first lesson, because i have no idea. I'm an idiot and i still haven't memoriesed my timetable XP

I think i might go to the gym tonight. My mum's right, i'm really starting to put on weight so i do kinda need to go at some point XD I'm not thin anymore, and i hate that. I don't like to conform to a stereotype and go for the whole 'For i must be skinny' angle, i just don't like having excess weight on me. I will always have a big bum and broad shoulders due to years of swimming and horse riding, i can't change that, i'd just rather not have a big stomach aswell XD So, gym it is and mission weight loss starts today.

That is all.

</spam>

OMG. Goldenboy = One of the funniest anime's i've ever seen. Really, i've nearly died laughing several times. WATCH IT, you, who ever you are XD ...Kintaro is one of the weirdest most spazzy characters ever, but he's awesome. He keeps getting caught humping toilets. Yeah, you get the idea. IT'S SO FUNNY THOUGH!!! *runs off to watch last ep*

</spam>

Have you ever been so attached to a piece of jewellery that you feel completely naked without it?? I am, i feel like i'm missing a part of my hand if i don't wear my two chunky silver man-rings XD

Home early, bored, might go play Drakengard. Amz came into school and we went up town to do some art, so i feel like a bit of a bum. Gonna talk to Miss B tomorrow, i need to let her know what's going on.

Had a good day though. Broken arse walk XD XD Amz spat water everywhere because of that o.O

That is all.

</spam>

Beki ish tiiiiiiiiiiiiired =3= *shuichi pout*

I'm seriously exhausted. And i still don't have nearly enough art finished. Carl gave me some good advice just now. (he's the reason i waste all my texts within the first day of having them XD) "When in doubt, grovel." XD He's set my head straight a bit though. My initial plans were to either stay up all night thus totally physically and mentally exhausting myself, or skip school tomorrow. To which he said "You're a moron if you do either of those. Go in, hold your hands up and tell them the truth. You haven't done enough work over easter because you were overtiming yourself to death. The worst they can do is yell at you." ..and then i stared at the phone for a while, went 'gu...gu...guah?' and started crying. It's weird, it's like he knows me back to front and inside out already, despite the fact that we met in a pub only 4 months ago. I swear he's secretly an agony aunt, he knows exactly what to say and how to say it. And he's right, the best thing i can do tomorrow is go in, ask Miss B for a minute to talk and explain that i didn't do any work over easter because i was overtiming myself into oblivion and clearing out my room (which was absolutely revolting. I'm not kidding, a tramp would live in better conditions. Flies were dying in there, it was that bad) so that took about 3 hours a day, plus i was doing anything between 6 and 12 hour shifts nearly every day... I exhausted myself and i didn't make time for anything else. I'll explain that to her, and beg her to let me hand in my work on wednesday. That way i can spend tuesday night (my night off!) finishing up and mounting things.

You know what, I've been told recently by someone who was once my friend that i need to grow up. I think i've now met the person who can give me that push towards leaving my past behind me and actually changing myself. Everything he says makes sense, and he's helping me make the changes i want to make more than my counsellor or therapists ever did. He's a wonderful friend, i just wish he could read this so he would know how much i appreciate everything he's done for me... I'll have to print it off and give it to him or something XD

I also need to either make up or break up with Josh. It's not fair putting him through all this just because i'm unbalanced and distracted at the moment. He deserves better, the idiot, i just wish he'd see that. *sigh* nevermind, i'll think it over tonight and decide what to do tomorrow.

Now i need sleep.

</blah rant thing>