UUUUUGH.

So, there's this guy.
He's told me he wants me, and i think i kinda want him too.
But he's got a girlfriend. And i've got Carl, and i know he's not my boyfriend or anything but we do kind of ACT like it when we're out together, so he might aswell be. And the only reason i'm not with him is because neither of us feel ready for any kind of commitment at the moment XD
But this guy.
I dunno.
There's something about him, i can't explain, but i shouldn't even be thinking about it. Taken guys are just a no-go-zone as far as i'm concerned.
But he won't leave it alone.
No matter how many times i tell him to stop it, he keeps bringing it up.
And these kind of things get to me. I feel guilty, i lose sleep over it, i get stressed, then i get depressed. He doesn't realise it, but that's the kind of effect this is going to have on me.
It doesn't help that deep down i know i like him too.
I shouldn't.
I know i shouldn't.
But you know, you can't help it when you like someone, can you? Even though you know you shouldn't like them. That it's 'against the rules'. You can't help who you like. That's life.

Doesn't stop me feeling the guilt big time though.

Ah well. I'll get over it.

That is all.

</spam>

Waaaah, i feel more happy and cheerful now. I felt really ill all day, but i feel better now. People just kept cheering me up all day, being nice to me and noticing that i was a bit down =] they know who they are <3 Work cheered me up even more too =] Someone was hiding potatoes all around my till all evening, i just kept finding them, it was so funny XD and there was this guy drilling and Nic was yelling that it sounded like a constipated elephant, which was the funniest thing ever at the time XD

And then after work, Carl came to pick me up because my mum was watching Heroes XD and he said i had spud rabies o.O

And then he proposed to me with a Haribo fried egg because he accidentally ate all the rings. So we're having a spud wedding.

I love my friends so much <3

Looking forward to Pentre tomorrow night! :p

That is all.

</spam>

PISSED OFF TO THE POINT OF EXPLODING.

I have had a VERY bad day. VERY VERY bad day. A certain person in school is really beginning to piss me off, and i wish he'd just STOP IT. Because he's taken, and i'm 'romantically involved' with someone, so there's just no way. So he can fuck off.

And then people nagging me and pestering me, and my mum losing her rag with me because i didn't hoover the fucking living room when i came in from school, as if i don't have enough to do already GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

I honestly nearly burst into tears in work today, i couldn't stand it.

Having a bad week so far ¬____¬

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Ugh, i'm so tired, and ill, and i'm just frustrated and angry and i can't really work out why.

I feel drained and worn out and GAH. Just like curling up in my bed and not coming out. I've got work this weekend and i can't decide whether that's a good thing or not. It might be good to get away from school for a while, because i don't think school is helping. But it also might stress me out even more. I can't wait to just... I don't know.

Maybe that's what's stressing me. I have nothing new or different to look forward to ahead of me. Just same old routine day in day out and its so depressing and frustrating.

I'm seeing a hypnotherapist again but i don't know if it'll help. He says he's going to try and dig up the root of all this depression and rage and try and help me let it all go, but if i don't know what it is that's causing it, how does he expect to find it?

*le sigh*

I don't know, but i'm tired and i'm giving myself a headache, so i'm going to bed now.

Night all.

</spam>

Mood: Angry and frustrated ¬___¬

Something's been bugging me for a while recently. Not something major, just something small that has been slowly irritating me more and more as the weeks have gone by, and it just hit a peak today. I was tired, hung over, cranky, i felt ill, and my back was hurting. Then this one little thing pissed me off to the extent i ended up sitting with Gem and Ruth crying and ranting and being generally angry and hormonal. The problem is i don't actually see a way i can fix this problem without possibly losing another very close friend, which i don't think i have the stomach to do at the moment. I've already lost two in the space of a year, i don't need to lose another one. I'll just stick it out i suppose and hope it's just my hormones causing me to get so pissed off over it.

In other news, pentre was awezome, i had fun XD i drank too much though o.o and my BOSS was there, and he slapped my arse, and i have never been so mortified in my life. How bloody awkward is that going to be in work on tuesday when we're both sober??? XD ARGH. But other than that it was awesome, quite a few of my work people were there but i didnt really talk to them much cuz they were just at the bar, not the band bit XP

Pirate day was fun, but it would have been more fun if i wasn't being so hormonal. Oh well, everyones costumes looked awesome and i'm glad i made the effort to dress up at least XD

Rach's party tomorrow night. Looking forward to another chance to let off some steam and chill with some people i've been neglecting recently, and it's made me feel bad, so this is my opportunity to go and hug old friends and apologise for being so distant recently XD so should be fun. I plan on NOT getting drunk this time though <.< >.>

And my ring tone at the moment is Omari saying 'suck my balls' in the worst attempt at a scottish accent i have ever heard.

And obviously, i find that hilarious XD

Update over.

That is all.

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How old will you turn in 2009?​​?​​
19 Aye.

Would​ you date someo​ne 8 years​ older​ than you?
Probably.

When was the last time you talke​d to numbe​r 1 on your top frien​ds?​​
This morning :p

What were you doing​ at 4am this morni​ng?​​
Sleeping XD and having weird dreams about hamsters o.o

Whats​ your relat​ionsh​ip with the perso​n you last text?​​
Frrrriendski

What did you do today​?​​
Went to form, went to tesco and bought some scones, had scones in the bus stop, then came to the library to use computers XD

Do you hate the last girl you had a conve​rsati​on with?​
Yes. I hate you AAAAMZ O_O not really <.< >.>

Do you think​ you will be in a relat​ionsh​ip 3 month​s from now?
Nooooooooooooooo


When'​​s the next time you'​​ll see one of your close​st frien​ds?​​
2 seconds WAOW

What were you doing​ this morni​ng at 7am?
Sleeping still lol, trying to stop my alarm clock XD

What are you liste​ning to?
Typing XD

Is there​ anyth​ing that you are cravi​ng right​ now?
JELLY BEANS

What are you weari​ng?​​
Jeans, t-shirt, camo mesh top.

Are you named​ after​ one of your paren​ts or grand​paren​ts?​​
Nay

Would​ you rathe​r be a girl or a guy?
i like being a girl XD

Who is the most spoil​ed perso​n you know?​​
My cousin ¬___¬


Would​ you rathe​r have a milli​on dolla​rs or true love?​
Erm... A million POUNDS, not dollars. A million dollars is only like... £500000 here...

Could​ you go a day witho​ut eatin​g?​​
Yeah


Are you missi​ng someo​ne?​​
Not really.


Are you tickl​ish?​​
A bit

What time did you go to sleep​ last night​ and why?
LATE. BECAUSE OF CAPTAIN USELESS AND HIS KFC BARGAIN BUCKET. Long story.

What do you think​ your numbe​r 1 is doing​ right​ now?
Eating

Have you ever chang​ed your cloth​es while​ in a vehic​le?​​
Yesh


What shoes​ did you wear today​?​​
The ones i always wear XD my tatty black airwalks


Would​ you rathe​r trade​ lives​ with a famou​s perso​n?​​
Not really, unless it was the queen XD


Are you ready​ to get out of this town?​​
No XD

Are you scare​d of bugs?​​
YES. Ew. The only ones i dont mind is cockroaches and tarantulas :D

What movie​ do you want to see right​ now?
May again, cuz it's awesome

Where​ are your sibli​ngs?​​
School

If you found​ out you could​n'​​t have kids,​​ would​ you adopt​?​​
No i'd laugh 'SCREW YOU GOD, AND YOUR PROCREATION PLANS!!! O_O'


Did you go out or stay in last night​?​​
I was out, but not volunterily XD


Are you a jealo​us perso​n?​​
Nah, not really


And your name would​ be?
Beki, duh.


Is your phone​ close​ to you?
In my pocket O;


Are you liste​ning to music​ right​ now?
Nope


How is your hair style​d right​ now?
Just like.. bleeeeeh

Do you like your first​ name?​​
Not really.

Do you like anyon​e?​​
NO!!! I HATE THE WORLD!!! O______O

I hope everyone's getting their gear together for talk like a pirate day XD it's no fun if you don't dress up, as i did last year, and ended up getting kicked out of school <.< >.> But this year the teachers are actually supporting it, and have told us we CAN dress up :p SO. I am expecting lots of pirates. And i'm going to nag everyone until they at least agree to wear a hat. I'll even BUY hats out of my own money for the people who can't afford them if need be. And eye patches. I want this to be a good TLAPD this year! And if i go into school and me and Gem are the only pirates there, i intend to turn round, go back to her house, and get drunk XD that's what being an effing pirate is all about!!! Y'AAAAARRR MATEYS!!!

So. Yes. Should be fuuuuuun.

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WELL. Tomorrow is supposedly the end of the world, armageddon, the Apocalypse. A load of bollocks if you ask me, the worst that could happen is that Switzerland have one big massive power failure.

However. There's this preacher guy outside the church behind my house, and he seems convinced that this is God taking revenge on us humans. And he said something really cool that i don't think i'll ever forget. He said 'The human race has reached it's evolutionary peak, and now in their attempts to reenact the creation of the universe, they will inadvertently bring about the End.' i thought that sounded SO cool, it's actually inspired a story idea in my head. I don't believe a word of all this 'judgement day' nonsense, but nontheless, that little phrase right there got to me :p

Had a good day in school and an ok day in work.. Off to play MGS3 for a bit now before i head off to bedfordshire :p

Night all!

That is all.

</spam>

Oh god i just read the funniest fancomic ever XD i don't know why i find it so funny, but i cant stop giggling XP

READ::: http://whitedog1.deviantart.com/art/darth-vader-96880551


"Fucking dipshit you are" XD XD

Legendary stuff.

That is all.

</spam>

Weeeeell, as usual i have nothing ready for school tomorrow =D last minuteness ftw! I'm REALLY looking forward to it, despite the fact that i know this year is going to be tough, i'm ready to actually knuckle down and do some serious work. I'm a lazy ass, and that will never change, but if i can somehow balance being lazy with school work and Makro work, i'm sure i'll manage XD I'm not doing as many hours any more, which means not as much money, but in school time that's not really a major issue because i won't be going out and spending it as much, so it doesn't really matter. I just really want to focus on studies this year, and Makro kind of got in the way last year, what with all the overtime i was doing, plus the fact that i never wanted to do anything on my 3 days off a week XD So i'm working two half shifts during the week (half shift is 4 hours) and one double shift a fortnight (16 hours, spread over a weekend). That way i'll only be earning about £30 less a month, which isn't so bad in the long run.

Introduced the ham hams to my family, and they love them! So no arguments from mum, my dad thinks they're funny and my brother actually isnt scared of them XD So they went down well all round XP

I went into Chester today with Amz and Ruth, with the intentions of going to smiths to buy school stuff, and i bloody forgot XD i'll go at dinner tomorrow <.< >.>

Work tomorrow ¬___¬ feels like i haven't been in for months, i wonder how much will have changed... I know it's only been a week but Makro is getting a revamp so every time i go in there something is bloody different XP Aaah stupid place... I love it but i hate it.

That's a bit shit! I'm going back to school and i'm going back to work aswell O_O but then i have the rest of the week off work, so it's all gewd!

Yeah... I think that's all i had to say. Erm... Yes. I'm done now ^.^

Oh one more thing... I'm aware i have alot of ongoing requests for people at the moment, and a few people have been getting a bit tetchy about it. Look, i'm sorry, but i'm not wonder woman. I have ALOT to do, and i don't really have time at the moment. I'm still doing the concept art for the videogame thing which is consuming alot of time, combined with my research and analysis work for A-Level art, as well as trying to be more useful around this house, renovating my room, i'll be back in full time education tomorrow (DOOM) and part time work, i'll be starting coursework again soon and now i have requests piling up... Unfortunately requests come at the bottom of my list of priorities, so you're just going to have to be patient with me, i'll get to them eventually.

That is all.

</spam>

Ooooooh, we have a new postman and he is sooooooo cute O___O i peer out of the window at him every day when he comes by, he must think i'm so odd XD I'm actually peering to see if he's got my Batman dvd's, but i am now also peering because he's quite good looking XD YAY no more old moody posty!!

I am turning into my mother. I woke up at 8 o'clock this morning and immediately started cleaning. Vacuumed every room and made all the beds, polished and dusted everything that looked dirty, and did the almost nonexistant washing up. I'm turning into a bloody housewife ¬____¬

The Joker and Marilyn Manson are still haunting my dreams, it's so weird. Two of the oddest looking people in the world won't leave me alone at night XD I think i have problems O_O

Today is the big day when i introduce SPG and Vyv to the rest of the family. I hope they think the two little critters are as cute as i thought they were when i bought them X3 I also hope mum doesn't go completely mad XD

I'm done now. Gotta walk the dog and finish the cleaning (LOL)

</spam>

Weeeeelll, with this entry my days of aloneness are coming to a close! My parents are coming home tomorrow and i will no longer be in charge of keeping the house clean and tidy. But you know what? It sounds stupid, but this experience of 'owning' the house for a week has well and truly humbled me. I never realised how much work actually goes into keeping the house clean, and this is just for me! My parents have to clean up after 4 people! So from now on i vow to chip in and do my bit for the family, because i am such a lazy bugger. I never lift a finger really, and i should, and i intend to start. I started today, cleaning the entire house, and i just finished now at 2am! But it's never looked cleaner and it's made me feel alot better.

The hamsters are doing well, i can handle them now and they quite like being picked up and stroked! SPG is a lot more confident than Vyv, he'll jump right into my hand, Vyv takes a little coaxing but he's getting there, bless him.

You know what? I had a really whacked out dream about Marilyn Manson a few nights ago, i won't go into details about it but it's been haunting me for days and i can't work out why. There's no section about 'being married to Marilyn Manson and living in a small town which is overrun with zombies' in the dream dictionary XD Oh well! Maybe it just means that i want to marry some freaky... freak. Or maybe it was symbolic of my loneliness at the time! OOOOOOOOH.

I'm actually really tired now, so i'm going to bed XD

I have a new found love for cleaning. Someone shoot me.

That is all.

</spam>

WAAAA!!! My hamsters are so cuuuute X3 they keep going on their little wheel together, it's so adorable!! wujawujawuja X3 I've worked out how to tell them apart now (they look almost exactly the same). SPG is the bigger one who is constantly stuffing his cheeks with everything he can find, and Vyv is the dominant one. They scuffle around a little bit, but i wouldn't call it fighting, just play-fighting really. They mainly just both decide they want to go in the tunnel at the same time and get stuck, it's so cute X3 I think their cage may be a wee bit small for the two of them, despite the fact that they're both teeny, so i'm gonna pop back to pets at home tomorrow and buy some extension stuff for it LOL i love them <3 i think my dog is getting jealous so i'm making a fuss of her now.

Wheeeeeeeee, that's all i had to say o.o

</spam>

Take this quiz XD There's a catch.. you can't use the same answers as me :p

1-Name something a claustrophobic person should not get into? A cupboard XD


2-What one thing does a woman spend the most time on when getting ready? Make up

3- What is a Spanish word that everyone knows the meaning of? Señorita

4- Name something in your bathroom that you leave plugged in all the time? Hair dryer


5- Besides golfers, what is something you'd see on a golf course?
Old people

6-Name a household chore you actually enjoy? Washing up (no rly XD)

7-Name something you walk on? Men XD


8-Name a place where you see nervous people? Outside an exam hall


9-Name something that can be cherry flavored. Bubble gum!

10-Complete this phrase: 'I'll never forget my first _____': Horse <3


11-Name another word for 'Dad': Vati


12-Name another word for 'Mom': Mutti


13-Name something a married couple might want to have 2 of: Pythons (I WOULD!)


14-What is the first part of a person's body to lose the war with gravity? Boobs. On women and men XD


15-Name something that is sold by the bunch: Flowers


16-What age would you retire if you had enough money??? Right now? 17!


17-Name something you'd find on a kitchen table: My cat ¬___¬


18-Name something that rhymes with 'd i z z y': Lizzy


19-Tell me how many people you kissed last New Year's Eve: Uuuuh... I don't actually remember where i was last New Years Eve o.o;;

20 -Name something you'd see in a jail cell: Me :p


21-Name a month with 31 days? December


22-Name an occupation where you might work all night? Makro O___O (My job XD)

Day fooooooour, and i'm feeling better. Getting used to the alone-ness now, it's not really so bad anymore.

Today i went out to buy my rat, and it was ridiculous! The rat was there, and she was lovely, and i wanted her, and then the woman showed me the 'smallest' rat cage. It was massive! And it cost £94, and that on top of the cost of the rat combined with food and bedding and stuff would have come to about £130! But then out of the corner of my eye i spied the most ADORABLE little hamsters you will ever see in your life! They were so tiny, like when they curl up they're about the size of a ping pong ball! So i had to have them!! I bought two, and Amz got one X3 so cute! Amz's mum had SUCH a spazzy fit when she found out XD (she hates rodents) but she's ok with Sanzo now (that's what Amz named her hamster!) Mine are called Special Patrol Group (SPG for short) and Vyvyan (Vyv) after Vyvyan off the young ones and his hamster SPG XD I love them, they're ADORABLE X3

Day twooooo, and i'm very ill ¬____¬ i was up all night throwing up and i still had to get up at 9 this morning to walk the dog, and i have to walk her again in a minute.. I'm going to walk up the shop and rent some dvd's later i think, but my main focus today is clearing my room out. Finding stuff to do when you're alone isn't easy O.O Sore throat feels like it's getting worse and i just hope the one from last year doesn't come back again..

My dog was ridiculous last night. I lock her and the cat in the kitchen at night, so they can get out through the dog-flap and get to their beds and food and drinking water. I went to bed at about 11 and the dog started barking. I panicked, as you do when you're home alone, because the dog normally only barks if someone comes up to the house. So i went downstairs armed with a wrench and she just wanted to be let outside! Despite the fact that she could have gotten out quite easily through the dog flap. So i let her out and went back to bed. All was well until 1am when she started howling, and i have NEVER heard her howl. So i went down again, and she was sitting by the kitchen door howling, so i let her into the living room and went back to bed, but she carried on howling. Eventually i had to let her come up and sleep with me, and she's never done that before XD Then i woke up at 2am to throw up and didn't get back to sleep till 4... rough night much =____= Stupid animals...

Sooooo that's pretty much it.

Magh.

</spam>

Sooooo, day one of alone-ness and i think my neighbours think i've gone completely insane. I got bored so started playing 'Lonely Day' at ear-mutilating volume and leaping around the house screaming along. I'm not going insane, i just hate silence XD and god damn my house is quiet when i'm here on my own, so i decided to make it noisy.

Now my throat is killing me and i'm exhausted, but i've managed to survive a day on my own so i'm proud of myself XD

That is all.

</spam>

Weeelll... That's it, my shopping for the week is done, and as of tomorrow i'm officially living ALONE! Probably not a good idea, but hey. My mum and dad and brother are going on a family holiday and leaving me behind. By choice, of course, i didn't want to go, they're not being cruel or anything XD I kind of wish i was going now though, cuz i do love going down there and seeing all my family that end of the country... I just don't feel like travelling at the moment, i don't actually feel like doing anything at all. I think it will be a good chance for me to just chill and have some time to myself to think things through, as i actually have alot to think about recently..

My throat aids has cleared up a bit, which is good news XD I'm really looking forward to having the house to myself for a week, it should be a good learning experience XD ..Unfortunately the big party is off because mum's too suspicious of me and has got the neighbours keeping an eye on me to make sure i DONT have a big party.. I'll just have to arrange a little get together of some kind. Or maybe nothing, i dunno, see how i feel.

I don't really have anything else useful to say so.. That is all.

</spam>

Would you like some throat aids with your Bloodstock??      PLIX!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!!!!!

Some people might remember my rambling agonised diary entries after Bloodstock last year, when i caught some mutated virus and was very ill for several weeks.

Guess what?

I've done it again XD I've gone and caught what me and Amz are now calling 'throat aids', a nasty infection of the throat that makes it painful to talk and swallow, and this year it has mutated a little more because it apparently blocks up your nose aswell. I believe this is going to become a Bloodstock tradition XD

It's not as bad as last year though, in all fairness... Last time i couldn't speak properly for 3 weeks and i had to carry around a bucket to spit in because i literally couldn't swallow. I barely ate anything for several weeks and lost alot of weight because of it... This time it's just annoying. One of those flu-ish things that makes you want to crawl into bed and never surface. Andi would. Only i have to work. GAY.

So yes. Beki is feeling a little ill today, but is also finding it extremely amusing, so it's ok XD

That is all.

</spam>

Lol, work:

Rachel: You know what, i think i have an old guy fetish...
Abby: Yeah me too...
Me: Me three XD
Rachel: Seriously, i have a crush on a 21 year old..
Abby: Lol, Rach that's not old, i like a 27 year old!
Me: Guys, you both suck. I got off with a 39 year old at Bloodstock and i wouldn't say no to Nikki Sixx who is pushing 50.
Abby: Omg, you weirdo!
Rachel: That's old guy fetish extreme!!

Best conversation ever.

LOL.

</spam>

OOOOOH MAAAAAAAAI GOOOOOOOOD GAIZ!!!! Bloodstock was fricking epic this year XD XD XD I had soooo much fun, it's unreal, it went so fast!! I want to go back naow =[ 
I really cba doing a big long rant about it like i did last year, but lets just say this year will stick in my memory forever XD We had the BEST tent neighbours anyone could ever ask for, they were so amazing! And the rest of the people on our tent 'street' were pretty awesome too! We had Matt, Phil, Rob and Alex opposite us (we had our own little 'drinking garden' and everything!), then we had the two Skye's on the opposite side of the street to us (named Skye 1 and Skye 2 by us because they reminded us of future versions of Skye 'The Original' XD) and a crazy Australian dude called Steven 6 tents down from us. I saw some people from last year too, Fred and Ross, Wiggles and the Commodore, and of course the Shauns!!! WHO REMEMBERED ME!!!! Purple Shaun (aka me XD) returned this year XD THERE WAS A FOOKING SHISHA/HOOKAH TENT!!! Full of hippies and awesome people, i was in and out of there constantly XD We had a 'Weed Plz' sign, which actually worked XD we spray painted all over our tent and spent most of the weekend chilling in our 'garden' and mooching round the shops XD we saw about 5 bands out of the 30-something playing, but that doesn't matter XD we got interviewed for the dvd, made loads of friends, got really drunk, got about 2 hours sleep every night, got muddy and wet, AND HAD THE BEST FRICKING TIME EVER MIGHT I ADD?!?!!!!!!

Oh and also, several epic quotes came from Bloodstock this year.

1 - (welsh accent) "Everyone here is SO nice!!" (courtesy of Matt XD)
2 - (shouted) "BACK SCRATCHER!!!!" (Matt started it, it spread through the entire campsite by the end of the weekend, everyone was shouting it XD)
3 - "WHERE IS RUBBER MAN!?!?" (mine XD shouted until someone replies with "I AM RUBBERMAN!!!!" then i'd say "RUBBERMAN YOU ARE MY NEMESIS!!!" ...and that was it XD)
4 - "Would you like some epic with your Bloodstock? ....Plix." (used for anything, it's more just the 'would you like some _____ with your ______ ....Plix.' ...band joke courtesy of our wonderful neighbors XD)

So yeah, that was this years BOA in a nutshell, i'll probably have more to say about it later, but it was the best BOA ever this year, minus the rain XD

See you next year mutha fuckaaaaaaaaaaaaas!!!! O____O

</spam>