Meeeh, i'm tired but i dont feel much like sleeping because i know if i sleep the next thing i'll be doing is getting up to go to work, and i can't be arsed with work atm XD XD i'd pull a sickie but it's only a 7 hour shift so i shouldn't really complain. Still debating whether or not i can be bothered going out with Carl tomorrow night, it's too much like effort tbh o.o  I'll see him at Pentre next week, i don't think i can be arsed coming out of work at 7.30 then going home getting changed trying to organise myself and then going out again to meet him at 8. Knowing me i'll get stuck in shotton and end up out till piss take o'clock in the morning, and then i won't want to get up on Sunday for work, which is a 9 hour shift, which will be much worse especially if i'm tired. So yes. Having internal conflicts here :p

That's all i wanted to say really.

</spam>

Ok. I've decided, running away isn't going to help anyone, neither is losing my temper or sulking. Mum was yelling before but then she calmed down, but my dad wouldn't stop, and it got to the point where he scared me so much i had to run out of the house. He can be so horrible sometimes =[  But i'm not going to let it get me down, i can't, not when i really need to push myself to try hard at school and stop missing lessons just because i feel down. I'm a teenager, i'm meant to feel down 90% of the time, and i can't let it get in my way anymore. I need to focus on the good things in my life, not the bad. Ignore my parents, ignore my arguments with Josh, ignore the stress and the sleeping disorder and the tiredness. Focus on the nice things that have been happening to me recently, like Carl, and parties, and new friends.   

Stop crying. Now. It's not helping.

Inner peace. I need to stop letting everything get to me. Inner peeeeeeeeeace.

O_O

I feel surprisingly better XD

</spam>

Ugh, i've had a bad week, and my mum has just made it like 100 times worse ¬___¬

I've not been well all week, neither has my brother, we've both had a bug. I've been on and off, sometimes feeling alright, sometimes feeling like death. School has, admittedly, been a problem. Because on some days i just felt so ill i didn't go in till later on, and sometimes i went in but felt ill and just went and slept in the library or went home. Now the school has rang my mum about it despite the fact that she said she'd rang in sick for me the 2 days i took off, and SHE has asked the school to expel me!  I had to go and see Dr.Erasmus today and thankfully he said it's not up to my mum whether i stay in the school or not, it's my choice, but i still can't believe she'd do something like that to me!  I've had a really rough week, not just health wise, but emotionally, and her threatening me with that is just horrible. She's all "Well you better contact Makro about getting a full time job because you'r leaving school and you're leaving this house aswell".  I'm not in the mood for this, or her, at the moment. I just feel like running away and never coming back, i can't stand it anymore.  Tonight when i get back from my driving lesson i think i'm going to leave, go somewhere, i don't know where. Not forever, just for a night, to calm down and think. Because i'm angry, and upset, not just at my mum but about a lot of things. Fights with people i care about and the general feeling of hopelesness i've been getting lately..  Nothing feels right anymore, nothing feels worth doing, i just feel so sad all the time and i don't know why. It doesn't even seem worth getting out of bed in the mornings.  I'm gutted because i was so motivated at the start of the year, so ready to work. I was enjoying my lessons and doing all my work and managing fine, then all of a sudden the pessimistic side of my brain kicked in and convinced me that it's a waste of time and i'm never going to achieve anything anyway so why bother. 

I just want to curl up and die to be perfectly honest.

I've had enough, and now mum's home to yell at me some more and probable punch me into a few walls just for the laughs.

Ha.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa...

<end>

Off to Liverpool todayyy!! I was supposed to be at Amz's for 10, and i've been up since 8.30, but my mum is refusing to get out of bed so i'll have to get a lift later on XD It's ok though, no massive rush or anything.

I'm trying to clear my phone out now, super fast, so i can very quickly stick some tuuuunage on there for the train, because i accidentally deleted all my music (again) last night XD

Umm... I don't think i have anything else to say... Except i went out for a drink in a field last night, with that guy :p it was so random, just lying in a field drinking and talking, but it was nice too. Until it started pissing down XD then we had to do a runner into the woods, and i was scared because it was really dark and it was like 11 o'clock at night and we were at an old bloody castle ruin in the woods in the dark and he was all "ooooh, there's loads of druggies around here at night". Very amusing XD But i got over being scared eventually because it was raining and that distracted me o.O

Fun night though, even if i did get soaked XD

That is all.

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CAN ANYONE INTERPRET TEXT SPEAK?!?!?!?!?! O____O

Because i think Carl (other Carl, not my Carl... CONFUSING MUCH XD) just told me he likes me, but i'm not sure because i can't understand what he's saying in the text XD XD XD XD LOL I FAIL.

HALP.

</spam>

Blaaaah, everything is pissing me off today o.O I was in a good mood this morning, ish anyway. Then i was ok most of the day, but as soon as i got home everything started pissing me off. Mum tells me to clean my room, i storm off and slam doors. Someone's sarky with me on msn, i have a go at them and block them. I'm just NOT in the mood for anything tonight ¬__¬ and i have to babysit my brother for a bit while my mum goes out and has a party or whatever, and i cant be arsed with that either. He keeps pestering me to get the bloody hamsters out, they don't even LIKE coming out, gah! Even THAT is pissing me off... I'm in a really REALLY pissy mood o.O

Maaaaah whatever. Stupid everything. I just hope i'm in a better mood for chester tomorrow or i may well punch someone in the face ¬____¬

</spam>

OOOOMG lol, i was so drunk last night XD I've deleted that diary entry because it makes about as much sense as a donkey with 3 heads, seriously...

BASICALLY. What happened last night was i saw Andy, who i haven't seen for ages and ages and ages, but this was literally in the last 15 minutes, i had no idea he'd been there the whole night. But it was nice seeing him again, and as usual i over-react to these kind of things when i'm drunk so i obviously thought i was getting married XD

It's not like that, honest :p i think he's cute, that's all.

Then i spent the last 15 minutes sat with Carl ranting about stuff that i can't even remember, possibly the fact that he has a crush on Nic from our work (which he claims not to, as Nic is almost old enough to be his mum, but i don't believe him, he deffinately likes her XD)

But yes, apart from me getting upset for a few minutes over something really stupid, all was well in Pentre town. Won't be going next week because of the 6th form partay, but i'll definately go the week after. It really is becoming a regular thing, but it's so much fun, even if i don't drink i always enjoy myself.

It's also nice seeing work people outside work, because i don't really drink with them as much since Courtz left. Chloe was really shocked, she thought i was a nice girl XD and i was stood there with a fag in one hand and a pint in the other looking extremely wrecked XD fun times.

That is all.

</spam>

UUUUUGH.

So, there's this guy.
He's told me he wants me, and i think i kinda want him too.
But he's got a girlfriend. And i've got Carl, and i know he's not my boyfriend or anything but we do kind of ACT like it when we're out together, so he might aswell be. And the only reason i'm not with him is because neither of us feel ready for any kind of commitment at the moment XD
But this guy.
I dunno.
There's something about him, i can't explain, but i shouldn't even be thinking about it. Taken guys are just a no-go-zone as far as i'm concerned.
But he won't leave it alone.
No matter how many times i tell him to stop it, he keeps bringing it up.
And these kind of things get to me. I feel guilty, i lose sleep over it, i get stressed, then i get depressed. He doesn't realise it, but that's the kind of effect this is going to have on me.
It doesn't help that deep down i know i like him too.
I shouldn't.
I know i shouldn't.
But you know, you can't help it when you like someone, can you? Even though you know you shouldn't like them. That it's 'against the rules'. You can't help who you like. That's life.

Doesn't stop me feeling the guilt big time though.

Ah well. I'll get over it.

That is all.

</spam>

Waaaah, i feel more happy and cheerful now. I felt really ill all day, but i feel better now. People just kept cheering me up all day, being nice to me and noticing that i was a bit down =] they know who they are <3 Work cheered me up even more too =] Someone was hiding potatoes all around my till all evening, i just kept finding them, it was so funny XD and there was this guy drilling and Nic was yelling that it sounded like a constipated elephant, which was the funniest thing ever at the time XD

And then after work, Carl came to pick me up because my mum was watching Heroes XD and he said i had spud rabies o.O

And then he proposed to me with a Haribo fried egg because he accidentally ate all the rings. So we're having a spud wedding.

I love my friends so much <3

Looking forward to Pentre tomorrow night! :p

That is all.

</spam>

PISSED OFF TO THE POINT OF EXPLODING.

I have had a VERY bad day. VERY VERY bad day. A certain person in school is really beginning to piss me off, and i wish he'd just STOP IT. Because he's taken, and i'm 'romantically involved' with someone, so there's just no way. So he can fuck off.

And then people nagging me and pestering me, and my mum losing her rag with me because i didn't hoover the fucking living room when i came in from school, as if i don't have enough to do already GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

I honestly nearly burst into tears in work today, i couldn't stand it.

Having a bad week so far ¬____¬

</spam>

Ugh, i'm so tired, and ill, and i'm just frustrated and angry and i can't really work out why.

I feel drained and worn out and GAH. Just like curling up in my bed and not coming out. I've got work this weekend and i can't decide whether that's a good thing or not. It might be good to get away from school for a while, because i don't think school is helping. But it also might stress me out even more. I can't wait to just... I don't know.

Maybe that's what's stressing me. I have nothing new or different to look forward to ahead of me. Just same old routine day in day out and its so depressing and frustrating.

I'm seeing a hypnotherapist again but i don't know if it'll help. He says he's going to try and dig up the root of all this depression and rage and try and help me let it all go, but if i don't know what it is that's causing it, how does he expect to find it?

*le sigh*

I don't know, but i'm tired and i'm giving myself a headache, so i'm going to bed now.

Night all.

</spam>

Mood: Angry and frustrated ¬___¬

Something's been bugging me for a while recently. Not something major, just something small that has been slowly irritating me more and more as the weeks have gone by, and it just hit a peak today. I was tired, hung over, cranky, i felt ill, and my back was hurting. Then this one little thing pissed me off to the extent i ended up sitting with Gem and Ruth crying and ranting and being generally angry and hormonal. The problem is i don't actually see a way i can fix this problem without possibly losing another very close friend, which i don't think i have the stomach to do at the moment. I've already lost two in the space of a year, i don't need to lose another one. I'll just stick it out i suppose and hope it's just my hormones causing me to get so pissed off over it.

In other news, pentre was awezome, i had fun XD i drank too much though o.o and my BOSS was there, and he slapped my arse, and i have never been so mortified in my life. How bloody awkward is that going to be in work on tuesday when we're both sober??? XD ARGH. But other than that it was awesome, quite a few of my work people were there but i didnt really talk to them much cuz they were just at the bar, not the band bit XP

Pirate day was fun, but it would have been more fun if i wasn't being so hormonal. Oh well, everyones costumes looked awesome and i'm glad i made the effort to dress up at least XD

Rach's party tomorrow night. Looking forward to another chance to let off some steam and chill with some people i've been neglecting recently, and it's made me feel bad, so this is my opportunity to go and hug old friends and apologise for being so distant recently XD so should be fun. I plan on NOT getting drunk this time though <.< >.>

And my ring tone at the moment is Omari saying 'suck my balls' in the worst attempt at a scottish accent i have ever heard.

And obviously, i find that hilarious XD

Update over.

That is all.

</spam>

How old will you turn in 2009?​​?​​
19 Aye.

Would​ you date someo​ne 8 years​ older​ than you?
Probably.

When was the last time you talke​d to numbe​r 1 on your top frien​ds?​​
This morning :p

What were you doing​ at 4am this morni​ng?​​
Sleeping XD and having weird dreams about hamsters o.o

Whats​ your relat​ionsh​ip with the perso​n you last text?​​
Frrrriendski

What did you do today​?​​
Went to form, went to tesco and bought some scones, had scones in the bus stop, then came to the library to use computers XD

Do you hate the last girl you had a conve​rsati​on with?​
Yes. I hate you AAAAMZ O_O not really <.< >.>

Do you think​ you will be in a relat​ionsh​ip 3 month​s from now?
Nooooooooooooooo


When'​​s the next time you'​​ll see one of your close​st frien​ds?​​
2 seconds WAOW

What were you doing​ this morni​ng at 7am?
Sleeping still lol, trying to stop my alarm clock XD

What are you liste​ning to?
Typing XD

Is there​ anyth​ing that you are cravi​ng right​ now?
JELLY BEANS

What are you weari​ng?​​
Jeans, t-shirt, camo mesh top.

Are you named​ after​ one of your paren​ts or grand​paren​ts?​​
Nay

Would​ you rathe​r be a girl or a guy?
i like being a girl XD

Who is the most spoil​ed perso​n you know?​​
My cousin ¬___¬


Would​ you rathe​r have a milli​on dolla​rs or true love?​
Erm... A million POUNDS, not dollars. A million dollars is only like... £500000 here...

Could​ you go a day witho​ut eatin​g?​​
Yeah


Are you missi​ng someo​ne?​​
Not really.


Are you tickl​ish?​​
A bit

What time did you go to sleep​ last night​ and why?
LATE. BECAUSE OF CAPTAIN USELESS AND HIS KFC BARGAIN BUCKET. Long story.

What do you think​ your numbe​r 1 is doing​ right​ now?
Eating

Have you ever chang​ed your cloth​es while​ in a vehic​le?​​
Yesh


What shoes​ did you wear today​?​​
The ones i always wear XD my tatty black airwalks


Would​ you rathe​r trade​ lives​ with a famou​s perso​n?​​
Not really, unless it was the queen XD


Are you ready​ to get out of this town?​​
No XD

Are you scare​d of bugs?​​
YES. Ew. The only ones i dont mind is cockroaches and tarantulas :D

What movie​ do you want to see right​ now?
May again, cuz it's awesome

Where​ are your sibli​ngs?​​
School

If you found​ out you could​n'​​t have kids,​​ would​ you adopt​?​​
No i'd laugh 'SCREW YOU GOD, AND YOUR PROCREATION PLANS!!! O_O'


Did you go out or stay in last night​?​​
I was out, but not volunterily XD


Are you a jealo​us perso​n?​​
Nah, not really


And your name would​ be?
Beki, duh.


Is your phone​ close​ to you?
In my pocket O;


Are you liste​ning to music​ right​ now?
Nope


How is your hair style​d right​ now?
Just like.. bleeeeeh

Do you like your first​ name?​​
Not really.

Do you like anyon​e?​​
NO!!! I HATE THE WORLD!!! O______O

I hope everyone's getting their gear together for talk like a pirate day XD it's no fun if you don't dress up, as i did last year, and ended up getting kicked out of school <.< >.> But this year the teachers are actually supporting it, and have told us we CAN dress up :p SO. I am expecting lots of pirates. And i'm going to nag everyone until they at least agree to wear a hat. I'll even BUY hats out of my own money for the people who can't afford them if need be. And eye patches. I want this to be a good TLAPD this year! And if i go into school and me and Gem are the only pirates there, i intend to turn round, go back to her house, and get drunk XD that's what being an effing pirate is all about!!! Y'AAAAARRR MATEYS!!!

So. Yes. Should be fuuuuuun.

</spam>

WELL. Tomorrow is supposedly the end of the world, armageddon, the Apocalypse. A load of bollocks if you ask me, the worst that could happen is that Switzerland have one big massive power failure.

However. There's this preacher guy outside the church behind my house, and he seems convinced that this is God taking revenge on us humans. And he said something really cool that i don't think i'll ever forget. He said 'The human race has reached it's evolutionary peak, and now in their attempts to reenact the creation of the universe, they will inadvertently bring about the End.' i thought that sounded SO cool, it's actually inspired a story idea in my head. I don't believe a word of all this 'judgement day' nonsense, but nontheless, that little phrase right there got to me :p

Had a good day in school and an ok day in work.. Off to play MGS3 for a bit now before i head off to bedfordshire :p

Night all!

That is all.

</spam>

Oh god i just read the funniest fancomic ever XD i don't know why i find it so funny, but i cant stop giggling XP

READ::: http://whitedog1.deviantart.com/art/darth-vader-96880551


"Fucking dipshit you are" XD XD

Legendary stuff.

That is all.

</spam>

Weeeeell, as usual i have nothing ready for school tomorrow =D last minuteness ftw! I'm REALLY looking forward to it, despite the fact that i know this year is going to be tough, i'm ready to actually knuckle down and do some serious work. I'm a lazy ass, and that will never change, but if i can somehow balance being lazy with school work and Makro work, i'm sure i'll manage XD I'm not doing as many hours any more, which means not as much money, but in school time that's not really a major issue because i won't be going out and spending it as much, so it doesn't really matter. I just really want to focus on studies this year, and Makro kind of got in the way last year, what with all the overtime i was doing, plus the fact that i never wanted to do anything on my 3 days off a week XD So i'm working two half shifts during the week (half shift is 4 hours) and one double shift a fortnight (16 hours, spread over a weekend). That way i'll only be earning about £30 less a month, which isn't so bad in the long run.

Introduced the ham hams to my family, and they love them! So no arguments from mum, my dad thinks they're funny and my brother actually isnt scared of them XD So they went down well all round XP

I went into Chester today with Amz and Ruth, with the intentions of going to smiths to buy school stuff, and i bloody forgot XD i'll go at dinner tomorrow <.< >.>

Work tomorrow ¬___¬ feels like i haven't been in for months, i wonder how much will have changed... I know it's only been a week but Makro is getting a revamp so every time i go in there something is bloody different XP Aaah stupid place... I love it but i hate it.

That's a bit shit! I'm going back to school and i'm going back to work aswell O_O but then i have the rest of the week off work, so it's all gewd!

Yeah... I think that's all i had to say. Erm... Yes. I'm done now ^.^

Oh one more thing... I'm aware i have alot of ongoing requests for people at the moment, and a few people have been getting a bit tetchy about it. Look, i'm sorry, but i'm not wonder woman. I have ALOT to do, and i don't really have time at the moment. I'm still doing the concept art for the videogame thing which is consuming alot of time, combined with my research and analysis work for A-Level art, as well as trying to be more useful around this house, renovating my room, i'll be back in full time education tomorrow (DOOM) and part time work, i'll be starting coursework again soon and now i have requests piling up... Unfortunately requests come at the bottom of my list of priorities, so you're just going to have to be patient with me, i'll get to them eventually.

That is all.

</spam>

Ooooooh, we have a new postman and he is sooooooo cute O___O i peer out of the window at him every day when he comes by, he must think i'm so odd XD I'm actually peering to see if he's got my Batman dvd's, but i am now also peering because he's quite good looking XD YAY no more old moody posty!!

I am turning into my mother. I woke up at 8 o'clock this morning and immediately started cleaning. Vacuumed every room and made all the beds, polished and dusted everything that looked dirty, and did the almost nonexistant washing up. I'm turning into a bloody housewife ¬____¬

The Joker and Marilyn Manson are still haunting my dreams, it's so weird. Two of the oddest looking people in the world won't leave me alone at night XD I think i have problems O_O

Today is the big day when i introduce SPG and Vyv to the rest of the family. I hope they think the two little critters are as cute as i thought they were when i bought them X3 I also hope mum doesn't go completely mad XD

I'm done now. Gotta walk the dog and finish the cleaning (LOL)

</spam>

Weeeeelll, with this entry my days of aloneness are coming to a close! My parents are coming home tomorrow and i will no longer be in charge of keeping the house clean and tidy. But you know what? It sounds stupid, but this experience of 'owning' the house for a week has well and truly humbled me. I never realised how much work actually goes into keeping the house clean, and this is just for me! My parents have to clean up after 4 people! So from now on i vow to chip in and do my bit for the family, because i am such a lazy bugger. I never lift a finger really, and i should, and i intend to start. I started today, cleaning the entire house, and i just finished now at 2am! But it's never looked cleaner and it's made me feel alot better.

The hamsters are doing well, i can handle them now and they quite like being picked up and stroked! SPG is a lot more confident than Vyv, he'll jump right into my hand, Vyv takes a little coaxing but he's getting there, bless him.

You know what? I had a really whacked out dream about Marilyn Manson a few nights ago, i won't go into details about it but it's been haunting me for days and i can't work out why. There's no section about 'being married to Marilyn Manson and living in a small town which is overrun with zombies' in the dream dictionary XD Oh well! Maybe it just means that i want to marry some freaky... freak. Or maybe it was symbolic of my loneliness at the time! OOOOOOOOH.

I'm actually really tired now, so i'm going to bed XD

I have a new found love for cleaning. Someone shoot me.

That is all.

</spam>

WAAAA!!! My hamsters are so cuuuute X3 they keep going on their little wheel together, it's so adorable!! wujawujawuja X3 I've worked out how to tell them apart now (they look almost exactly the same). SPG is the bigger one who is constantly stuffing his cheeks with everything he can find, and Vyv is the dominant one. They scuffle around a little bit, but i wouldn't call it fighting, just play-fighting really. They mainly just both decide they want to go in the tunnel at the same time and get stuck, it's so cute X3 I think their cage may be a wee bit small for the two of them, despite the fact that they're both teeny, so i'm gonna pop back to pets at home tomorrow and buy some extension stuff for it LOL i love them <3 i think my dog is getting jealous so i'm making a fuss of her now.

Wheeeeeeeee, that's all i had to say o.o

</spam>