Yeah i was just in a slump yesterday night. Work made me feel much better, i think i just needed to get out of the house and stop dwelling on things, and i was so busy today i didn't have time to think about anything at all, which was good. And now i'm far too tired to be depressed, so all's well that ends well i suppose :p
Work again tomorrow but i don't really mind cuz if it's as busy as it was today it'll fly by. Then i think i'm going to Amz's on monday to do some art.

That is all.

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OH and also, Pentre tomorrow!! I'M SOOOO looking forward to it this week :p I'm feeling generous at the moment too so i've told a few people if they want to go but cant get back, i'll chip in and give them money for a taxi. I like it when there's lots of people at pentre, its more fun XD  I really cant wait until i pass my driving test though, then i wont have to worry about taxi money, just petrol money XD

That is all. Really.

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Meeeh, i'm tired but i dont feel much like sleeping because i know if i sleep the next thing i'll be doing is getting up to go to work, and i can't be arsed with work atm XD XD i'd pull a sickie but it's only a 7 hour shift so i shouldn't really complain. Still debating whether or not i can be bothered going out with Carl tomorrow night, it's too much like effort tbh o.o  I'll see him at Pentre next week, i don't think i can be arsed coming out of work at 7.30 then going home getting changed trying to organise myself and then going out again to meet him at 8. Knowing me i'll get stuck in shotton and end up out till piss take o'clock in the morning, and then i won't want to get up on Sunday for work, which is a 9 hour shift, which will be much worse especially if i'm tired. So yes. Having internal conflicts here :p

That's all i wanted to say really.

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Ok. I've decided, running away isn't going to help anyone, neither is losing my temper or sulking. Mum was yelling before but then she calmed down, but my dad wouldn't stop, and it got to the point where he scared me so much i had to run out of the house. He can be so horrible sometimes =[  But i'm not going to let it get me down, i can't, not when i really need to push myself to try hard at school and stop missing lessons just because i feel down. I'm a teenager, i'm meant to feel down 90% of the time, and i can't let it get in my way anymore. I need to focus on the good things in my life, not the bad. Ignore my parents, ignore my arguments with Josh, ignore the stress and the sleeping disorder and the tiredness. Focus on the nice things that have been happening to me recently, like Carl, and parties, and new friends.   

Stop crying. Now. It's not helping.

Inner peace. I need to stop letting everything get to me. Inner peeeeeeeeeace.

O_O

I feel surprisingly better XD

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Ugh, i've had a bad week, and my mum has just made it like 100 times worse ¬___¬

I've not been well all week, neither has my brother, we've both had a bug. I've been on and off, sometimes feeling alright, sometimes feeling like death. School has, admittedly, been a problem. Because on some days i just felt so ill i didn't go in till later on, and sometimes i went in but felt ill and just went and slept in the library or went home. Now the school has rang my mum about it despite the fact that she said she'd rang in sick for me the 2 days i took off, and SHE has asked the school to expel me!  I had to go and see Dr.Erasmus today and thankfully he said it's not up to my mum whether i stay in the school or not, it's my choice, but i still can't believe she'd do something like that to me!  I've had a really rough week, not just health wise, but emotionally, and her threatening me with that is just horrible. She's all "Well you better contact Makro about getting a full time job because you'r leaving school and you're leaving this house aswell".  I'm not in the mood for this, or her, at the moment. I just feel like running away and never coming back, i can't stand it anymore.  Tonight when i get back from my driving lesson i think i'm going to leave, go somewhere, i don't know where. Not forever, just for a night, to calm down and think. Because i'm angry, and upset, not just at my mum but about a lot of things. Fights with people i care about and the general feeling of hopelesness i've been getting lately..  Nothing feels right anymore, nothing feels worth doing, i just feel so sad all the time and i don't know why. It doesn't even seem worth getting out of bed in the mornings.  I'm gutted because i was so motivated at the start of the year, so ready to work. I was enjoying my lessons and doing all my work and managing fine, then all of a sudden the pessimistic side of my brain kicked in and convinced me that it's a waste of time and i'm never going to achieve anything anyway so why bother. 

I just want to curl up and die to be perfectly honest.

I've had enough, and now mum's home to yell at me some more and probable punch me into a few walls just for the laughs.

Ha.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa...

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Off to Liverpool todayyy!! I was supposed to be at Amz's for 10, and i've been up since 8.30, but my mum is refusing to get out of bed so i'll have to get a lift later on XD It's ok though, no massive rush or anything.

I'm trying to clear my phone out now, super fast, so i can very quickly stick some tuuuunage on there for the train, because i accidentally deleted all my music (again) last night XD

Umm... I don't think i have anything else to say... Except i went out for a drink in a field last night, with that guy :p it was so random, just lying in a field drinking and talking, but it was nice too. Until it started pissing down XD then we had to do a runner into the woods, and i was scared because it was really dark and it was like 11 o'clock at night and we were at an old bloody castle ruin in the woods in the dark and he was all "ooooh, there's loads of druggies around here at night". Very amusing XD But i got over being scared eventually because it was raining and that distracted me o.O

Fun night though, even if i did get soaked XD

That is all.

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CAN ANYONE INTERPRET TEXT SPEAK?!?!?!?!?! O____O

Because i think Carl (other Carl, not my Carl... CONFUSING MUCH XD) just told me he likes me, but i'm not sure because i can't understand what he's saying in the text XD XD XD XD LOL I FAIL.

HALP.

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Blaaaah, everything is pissing me off today o.O I was in a good mood this morning, ish anyway. Then i was ok most of the day, but as soon as i got home everything started pissing me off. Mum tells me to clean my room, i storm off and slam doors. Someone's sarky with me on msn, i have a go at them and block them. I'm just NOT in the mood for anything tonight ¬__¬ and i have to babysit my brother for a bit while my mum goes out and has a party or whatever, and i cant be arsed with that either. He keeps pestering me to get the bloody hamsters out, they don't even LIKE coming out, gah! Even THAT is pissing me off... I'm in a really REALLY pissy mood o.O

Maaaaah whatever. Stupid everything. I just hope i'm in a better mood for chester tomorrow or i may well punch someone in the face ¬____¬

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OOOOMG lol, i was so drunk last night XD I've deleted that diary entry because it makes about as much sense as a donkey with 3 heads, seriously...

BASICALLY. What happened last night was i saw Andy, who i haven't seen for ages and ages and ages, but this was literally in the last 15 minutes, i had no idea he'd been there the whole night. But it was nice seeing him again, and as usual i over-react to these kind of things when i'm drunk so i obviously thought i was getting married XD

It's not like that, honest :p i think he's cute, that's all.

Then i spent the last 15 minutes sat with Carl ranting about stuff that i can't even remember, possibly the fact that he has a crush on Nic from our work (which he claims not to, as Nic is almost old enough to be his mum, but i don't believe him, he deffinately likes her XD)

But yes, apart from me getting upset for a few minutes over something really stupid, all was well in Pentre town. Won't be going next week because of the 6th form partay, but i'll definately go the week after. It really is becoming a regular thing, but it's so much fun, even if i don't drink i always enjoy myself.

It's also nice seeing work people outside work, because i don't really drink with them as much since Courtz left. Chloe was really shocked, she thought i was a nice girl XD and i was stood there with a fag in one hand and a pint in the other looking extremely wrecked XD fun times.

That is all.

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UUUUUGH.

So, there's this guy.
He's told me he wants me, and i think i kinda want him too.
But he's got a girlfriend. And i've got Carl, and i know he's not my boyfriend or anything but we do kind of ACT like it when we're out together, so he might aswell be. And the only reason i'm not with him is because neither of us feel ready for any kind of commitment at the moment XD
But this guy.
I dunno.
There's something about him, i can't explain, but i shouldn't even be thinking about it. Taken guys are just a no-go-zone as far as i'm concerned.
But he won't leave it alone.
No matter how many times i tell him to stop it, he keeps bringing it up.
And these kind of things get to me. I feel guilty, i lose sleep over it, i get stressed, then i get depressed. He doesn't realise it, but that's the kind of effect this is going to have on me.
It doesn't help that deep down i know i like him too.
I shouldn't.
I know i shouldn't.
But you know, you can't help it when you like someone, can you? Even though you know you shouldn't like them. That it's 'against the rules'. You can't help who you like. That's life.

Doesn't stop me feeling the guilt big time though.

Ah well. I'll get over it.

That is all.

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Waaaah, i feel more happy and cheerful now. I felt really ill all day, but i feel better now. People just kept cheering me up all day, being nice to me and noticing that i was a bit down =] they know who they are <3 Work cheered me up even more too =] Someone was hiding potatoes all around my till all evening, i just kept finding them, it was so funny XD and there was this guy drilling and Nic was yelling that it sounded like a constipated elephant, which was the funniest thing ever at the time XD

And then after work, Carl came to pick me up because my mum was watching Heroes XD and he said i had spud rabies o.O

And then he proposed to me with a Haribo fried egg because he accidentally ate all the rings. So we're having a spud wedding.

I love my friends so much <3

Looking forward to Pentre tomorrow night! :p

That is all.

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PISSED OFF TO THE POINT OF EXPLODING.

I have had a VERY bad day. VERY VERY bad day. A certain person in school is really beginning to piss me off, and i wish he'd just STOP IT. Because he's taken, and i'm 'romantically involved' with someone, so there's just no way. So he can fuck off.

And then people nagging me and pestering me, and my mum losing her rag with me because i didn't hoover the fucking living room when i came in from school, as if i don't have enough to do already GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

I honestly nearly burst into tears in work today, i couldn't stand it.

Having a bad week so far ¬____¬

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Ugh, i'm so tired, and ill, and i'm just frustrated and angry and i can't really work out why.

I feel drained and worn out and GAH. Just like curling up in my bed and not coming out. I've got work this weekend and i can't decide whether that's a good thing or not. It might be good to get away from school for a while, because i don't think school is helping. But it also might stress me out even more. I can't wait to just... I don't know.

Maybe that's what's stressing me. I have nothing new or different to look forward to ahead of me. Just same old routine day in day out and its so depressing and frustrating.

I'm seeing a hypnotherapist again but i don't know if it'll help. He says he's going to try and dig up the root of all this depression and rage and try and help me let it all go, but if i don't know what it is that's causing it, how does he expect to find it?

*le sigh*

I don't know, but i'm tired and i'm giving myself a headache, so i'm going to bed now.

Night all.

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Mood: Angry and frustrated ¬___¬

Something's been bugging me for a while recently. Not something major, just something small that has been slowly irritating me more and more as the weeks have gone by, and it just hit a peak today. I was tired, hung over, cranky, i felt ill, and my back was hurting. Then this one little thing pissed me off to the extent i ended up sitting with Gem and Ruth crying and ranting and being generally angry and hormonal. The problem is i don't actually see a way i can fix this problem without possibly losing another very close friend, which i don't think i have the stomach to do at the moment. I've already lost two in the space of a year, i don't need to lose another one. I'll just stick it out i suppose and hope it's just my hormones causing me to get so pissed off over it.

In other news, pentre was awezome, i had fun XD i drank too much though o.o and my BOSS was there, and he slapped my arse, and i have never been so mortified in my life. How bloody awkward is that going to be in work on tuesday when we're both sober??? XD ARGH. But other than that it was awesome, quite a few of my work people were there but i didnt really talk to them much cuz they were just at the bar, not the band bit XP

Pirate day was fun, but it would have been more fun if i wasn't being so hormonal. Oh well, everyones costumes looked awesome and i'm glad i made the effort to dress up at least XD

Rach's party tomorrow night. Looking forward to another chance to let off some steam and chill with some people i've been neglecting recently, and it's made me feel bad, so this is my opportunity to go and hug old friends and apologise for being so distant recently XD so should be fun. I plan on NOT getting drunk this time though <.< >.>

And my ring tone at the moment is Omari saying 'suck my balls' in the worst attempt at a scottish accent i have ever heard.

And obviously, i find that hilarious XD

Update over.

That is all.

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