I am in love with [Diiwica] and no one else. I love her
This is forsure the hell I have forseen. This move tha is coming has pushed me back into who I used to be. The one thing I am afraid of. I am back to depression, irritability, being alone, shy, and a loser. Thats who I was and now thats who I am. If you have a problem then fucking shoot me that would be a big improvement from how I have fallen. Cuz its gonna take some serious work once again to get me out of this and frankly I dont think anyone can help me. Not even myself. Its kinda like trying to make a lame animal walk it isnt going to happen so you gotta shoot it.
FUCK EVERYTHING!!!! I TRIED WORKING THINGS OUT BUT NOW IT LOOKS L IKE I AM EVEN FUCKED MORE!!! FUCK IT ALL!!!! THE SECOND I AM IN MOUNT PLEASANT!!!! THERE WILL BE NO FRIENDS NO ANY TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP WITH ANYONE!!!! ATTATCHMENT IS GAY!!!! SO FUCK IT!!! THE ONLY PEOPLE I NEED OT BE ATTACHTED TO ARE THE PEOPLE HERE!!!!
My anger starts to rise
As my eyes kick back inside
My pupils turn out white
As my fists get red and tight
My skin it starts to bleed
As my nails dig like knifes
My viens protrude like snakes
Crawling through the night
My teeth clench down tight
As my mouth gets dry and cracked
My knuckles begin to bleed
As my mind begins to retrack
The nights of terror
The mornings of agony
The day that I
Lost all of my sanity
I recall the days
Where I used to be harmless
The days that were calm
The days that were untarnished
The days I had love
The days I did love
The day I lost my love
The day I regreted love
My fists loosen
As my eyes turn back green
My veins went back down
As my body began to lean
Now my body lays limp
Dead and bloodless
As my soul floats away
And is burdened with unforgiveness
well I hate ot say it but my life is over as I speak. I will be moving to mount pleasant. Sadly I am goign to miss my senior year and will have to go to another school for my last year of highschool. Frankly becoming a noob in another school for my last year of highschool and not being the top dog really fucking pisses me off. I have never been top dog and now I am and now itsb eing taken away from me along with alot of other things. I will also be moving further away from the love of my life and it only seems to be getting harder for the both of anyways so why not add another big FUCKING PILE OF SHIT ON TOP just ot make things even worse betweens us. Thanks Mom and Dad :). This fucking blows I will be leaving now I am done and frankly I am too pissed off to even think anymore.
Fight the fight alone
When the world is full of victims
Dims a fading light
In our souls
Leave the peace alone
How we all are slowly changing
Dims a fading light
In our souls
In my opinion seeing is to know
The things we hold
Are always first to go
And who's to say
We won't end up alone
On broken wings I'm falling
And it won't be long
The skin on me is burning
By the fires of the sun
On skinned knees
I'm bleeding
And it won't be long
I've got to find that meaning
And I'll search for so long
Cry ourselves to sleep
We will sleep alone forever
Will you lay me down
In the same place with all I love
Mend the broken homes
Care for them they are our brothers
Save the fading light in our souls
In my opinion seeing is to know
What you give
Will always carry you
And who's to say
We won't survive it too
Set a-free all
Relying on their will
To make me all that I am
And all that I'll be
Set a-free all
Will fall between the cracks
With memories of all that I am
And all that I'll be
ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! SOMEONE SAVE ME!!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! IT CAN'T END THIS WAY!!! IT CAN'T!!! GOD!!! OR ANYONE WHOS LISTENING PLEASE DON'T TAKE THIS AWAY FROM ME NOT LIEK THIS GOD PLEASE!!!!!!!
Standing in the corner
Of a low light room
Insatiably bleeding
From this internal wound
My eyes no longer tear
My sockets have dried
The pain is whats killing me
Its killing from the inside
Its sears like ice
On a freshly opened skin
Its sears liek fire
It pain consumes me within
I want to end the hurt
But I cannot do the deed
For if I were to die
My family would die with me
look I know your still in love with her but you fucked up. I know your only tryign to protect her from me and how badly I treat her but please back up off the insults. I think theo nly one who is immature and whiney is you sir. I mean come on you being your whiney self isnt going to win her back. You gotta be a man (not that I am much of one) but all this whiney shit oyu do is just plain old fucking annoying. I mean at least I am straight forward and dont guilt trip people into doing things. At least I am who I am. I mean you acting gay is totally a lie your eyes tell it. Your in love with her. I know it and don't deny it. I can see it in your eyes. But you see shes got someone. Taht someone is me. I am not going to brag that she has me but I am going ot brag that I have her. becuase she is the most beautiful girl most mazing girl I have ever met in my whole entire life. But please just back off your only making her situation worse.
The churning
The Burning
The undeciesive eye
My choice
My voice
Yet I stay silent
The tears
The fears
I drag myself under
Pulled down
By my crown
the thoughts are unbearable
I'm drained
From the strain
But yet I push myself forward
I'll die
Inside
If I don't push myself
I'll kill
her will
If I don't push forward
But if I push
And live to push
I'll kill myself in the process
I feel it everyday it's all the same
It brings me down but I'm the one to blame
I've tried everything to get away
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?
Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
It feels like everyday stays the same
It's dragging me down and I can't pull away
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?
Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try
So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head
I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead
I know what's best for me
But I want you instead
I'll keep on wasting all my time
Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try to
These tears fall
In iridescent form
These feelings of death
Freeze my thoughts
My eyes they burn
From the smell
The smell of burning flesh
As my body burns away
My heart begins to melt
For I am cold
Cold as ice
The beat of my dying heart
Rings like gun fire in my ear
Each beat lasting longer than the last
Each gun shot getting louder
My thoughs begin to fade
As my eyes begin to close
As my eye lids touch
They strike open
From a sharp pain
A pain driving my eyes to see
To see the demon that is killing me
The demon is me
Pulling off my red tattered hood
Showing my mischevious smirk
Driving the stake into my heart
Spreading my eyelids apart
My vision began to blur
As my body decayed away
Floating into the air
As I stood there with pride
I pulled my hood back on
Tightening my robe
As the dust of my body flew away
For me
I am my demon
Its weird how just one day can change your life. I mean today was one of those days. I work kiddie rides where I work and there was this big family that came in and they rode the rollercoaster and they were just having a great time and making me laugh as well and they had an older man in a wheel chair and he was laughing just as hard as the family and me if not harder. And he called me over telling me about the kids with this big smile on his face and come to find out he is dying from asl. I am not sure what that is but neways. He explained ot me that even though he was dying he was having the time of his life. And as he did he held his 17 year old grand daughter right next to him. And at that moment he stopped breathing and died. I just stopped and ran to get help afterwards I sat there wondering...th
everything has gone haywire and all the shit has sprung lose and its all my fault all because of one inscident and honestly I wish I could just make my heart stop and breathing slow and just die. It would be alot easier than dealing with this I mean its all my fault and I know it and honestly if it wouldn't break peoples hearts I would be dead by now.
Look ok thigns have definately gotten haywire. I mean girls.....Gonn
Never again will I ever live the same. Never again will I ever talk, smile, act, walk, yell, scream, bleed, cry, look, burn, rip, tear, run, hit, bruise, swear, or die the same.
Istill hear the ringing in my ears of what you said to me. I thought this would never change. But those words that echoe in my ear lie too much. I have had enough. I stand on my own and forget about the life I used to know. Its gone. I need ot run far away. I can't go back to that place. Like you said I am just one big disgrace. You have dissapeared to me. Frankly I miss you, how you used to be, but you now can just fucking leave. Forget about the life i used to know. You made my knuckles bleed like this. You made me do this. I can;t wait till this shit life ends maybe you will have a better life once I am gone. I sure fucking hope so. Cuz once my spirit wakes your end will come slowly and painfully
Ok Where have you gone? I thought I knew you I really did. Boy was I fucking wrong. I don't know who you are!! I swear I thought you were different but hell I didn't think you were like this. I didn't think you were like all the others. But I guess you are. I wish I could jsut tell you to leave. Leave and never come back. But I wouldn't be able to handle it if you left. I often think that I might die and I push those thoguths off. But now I let those thoguths in and they break down the barriers that hold my sanity. Once my sanity is gone once it gets invaded thats the end of me. I am over and it will be all over for me. Frankly I wouldn't might it. A good quick swift ending. It would end the hell I have to deal with here. I mean honestly am I just not good enough for you hmmmm. AMMM I!!!!! HUH FUCKERS? AM I NOT!!! I figured I wasn't. This is the end of me goodnight to you and the world and all those who shit on me you'll get it once I die. Oh don't think thats not soon.
Ok life jsut suddenly got alot tougher I am slowly going back to the way things were baout a year or more ago. And for those of you who don't know thats bad. I am pulling myself as best I can away from going back to the way I used ot but its really hard not to go back how i used to be. I mean the way I used to be isn't a good thing. The way I am now is an improvement to what I used to be. I was controlled and shut away by my fears. And it looks as of now that I might be that way again but not because of my fears but because of other things that don't need to be said. On This Bed i Lay losing everything I can see my life passing me by. Was it too much or was it just not enough. I will not die I will survive but I may never see the light of day ever again. I'm sorry to all that I know and love dearly and The one that I Love with all my heat but you may never see the friend that exists now ever again he may die and never return permittign the circumstances . But as of now he is almost at his death and may never get further away from it and only get closer
ok lets see here I am in real deep as of now. I mean REAL!!! deep. I have enver been in this deep in my life ever. Its not that its a bad thigns its just kinda scary because you know if osmething happens there is ogign to be this big empty feeling inside of you. I mean lets see say your dating someone for about 8 months and your really honest to goodness deeply in lvoe with the person you know that they are slowly filling you with themselves and then just think if they go away they are goign to take all they have consumed with them. THATS ONE BIG FUCKIN HOLE!!!! But like I am ready to stand with her forever until my death and after that my spirit will stay with her. I mean shes perfect I lvoe her to death. I don't know how to describe the feeligns ih ave for this girl but ....ok here take this for example. lets say this girl/guy you have liked for some time comes up and kisses you passionately and you get that spark from it. Its that feelings times a friggin baillion and a half times infinity to the fifth power plus little fear and then add the heart you have behind it and all you would do for that person. Thats what I feel. Now can you blame me for saying that I am in love with this girl even though I am however old i am. I don't think so. Its not liek it owuld matter if you said anythign anyway if you did have a problem I would say your jealous and tell you to go fuck off on your mom. But yes I am in love with her and there is nuthing you can do about it. I am done typing I am goign to bed goodnight
PS: This is to you my love I love you and sleep well I hope you feel better