I'm sorry to all that this may offend......wait nevermind if this offends you fuck off...I have not been myself lately I have been ignorant a careless of others to be honest I hated people for a good while.......everyone within a 30 mile radius can just fucking die except for those who know who I truly am and have been there for me...not just trying to use me not just trying to fuck with me but the people who have really helped me out when on was on life's edge.......you know who you are..you should know if you have ever helped me out of a hole or if you really tried to help me...now when you just read that if you had to think about it whether or not you helped me out then yea your gonna burn to PEOPLE NED TO FUCKING DIE!! Yep just go burn somewhere i don't give a fuck what you do but yea I got go to bed its pointless cuz your just not gonna care anyway....so yea just be prepared to burn MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

So its been a year and not nearly long enough for me....I really am in love with her but I lack so many things she cannot see....I know shes pagan I'm Christian you think hmmm now that doesnt mix but hey were not focused on our religions were focused on us our qualities how we match up and frankly I coudlnt have odne any better if I had a machine that could create a girl for me......but the whole christian thing i am failing at and it hurts me because i knwo its coming back to haunt me....I want to be full hearted for god but how can I when I cant even get the gumption up to one fix my life up and two even attempt to minister to her becuz of the fear of losing her.......my heart is ripped in two places one for a love of christ and another for a love of a woman....I know shes not holding me back in anyway of doing this it is only me who is holding me back becuz I am a lover of the world and cant seem to change that.....I want so much to be right next to god but just cant seem to get there...to be with god in everyway sacrifices are to be made and those sacrifices I would liek to make but are jsut to great for me to make as of now or so my mind makes me think............I wish so much that I wouldnt have screwed up so badly and just stuck on the path that my parents set me on but no I had to go running off in the woods to see what I ocudl find to entertain me......But in that rustle of woods I found good things as well like I think I have foudn my soul mate I love her in everyway possible I love everything baout her in evry detaisl all the way down to every freckle and dimple I ocudlnt ask for a more perfect girl.......but in that I foudn she was other thigns not allowed in my religion "your not supposed to date an opposite sex of a different religion" but I didnt care nor did I notice that...I was focused on her beuty her personality and everything but her religion..I am not saying i want to change her in anyway I am just saying that difficulties come in when ones pagan ones christian.....I wish life was easier than this but then again if it was we wouldnt enjoy the rich joys we get as much as we do now if life was easier.....I say al that to say this.........My life is growing harder for me and frankly i dont wanna cut god out of the picture I want more of god in the picture and less of me and less of everyhting I want god me and my starling in the picture and thigns are goign to get hard and harder they will get but I swear thigns will be sacrificed from this day forward I am cutting out the thigns he says to cut out and will sacrifice what hesays to sacrifice I will live by him and his word nd by nothing else.........the only thigns I hope he doesnt ask of me is to give up my one true love

In the Light by DC Talk
I keep trying to find a life
On my own, apart from You
I am the king of excuses
I've got one for every selfish thing I do
What's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a Savior
(chorus)
I wanna be in the Light
As You are in the Light
I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens
Oh, Lord be my Light and be my salvation
Cause all I want is to be in the Light
All I want is to be in the Light
The disease of self runs through my blood
It's a cancer fatal to my soul
Every attempt on my behalf has failed
To bring this sickness under control
Tell me, what's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a Savior
(repeat chorus)
Honesty becomes me
[There's nothing left to lose]
The secrets that did run me
[In Your presence are defused]
Pride has no position
[And riches have no worth]
The fame that once did cover me
[Has been sentenced to this Earth]
Has been sentenced to this Earth
Tell me, what's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a Savior
(repeat chorus 2x)
[There's no other place that I want to be]
[No other place that I can see]
[A place to be that's just right]
[Someday I'm gonna be in the Light]
[You are in the Light]
[That's where I need to be]
[That's right where I need to be]

See the Resemblance Love, Well I Do

When thigns aren't resolved it drives me insane when i know they could be resolved. I tried getting a hold of you and apologizing for my insecurity and all. The reason I ask questions is a reason I already told you in those emails and hopefully you understand if not then I wil explain next time i see you... I love you my dear

What if I wanted to break
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do
What if I fell to the floor
Couldn't take all this anymore
What would you do do do

Come break me down
marry me, bury me
I am finished with you

What if I wanted to fight
Beg for the rest of my life
What would you do (do do)
You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for
I'm not running from you

Come break me down
marry me, bury me
I am finished with you

Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now this is who I really am inside
Finally from myself
Running for a chance
I know now this is who I really am

Come break me down
marry me, bury me
I am finished with you you you

Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All that I wanted was you

Come break me down
Break me down
Break me down

(You say you wanted more)
What if I wanted to break
(What are you waiting for)
(I'm not running from you)
What if I wanted to break

Hey girl you know you drive me crazy
one look puts the rhythm in my hand.
Still I'll never understand why you hang around
I see what's going down.

Cover up with make up in the mirror
tell yourself it's never gonna happen again
you cry alone and then he swears he loves you.

Do you feel like a man
when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has found.

A pebble in the water makes a ripple effect
every action in this world will bear a consequence
If you wade around forever you will surely drown
I see what's going down.

I see the way you go and say your right again,
say your right again
heed my lecture

Do you feel like a man
when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
as your lies crumble down a new life she has.

One day she will tell you that she has had enough
its coming round again.
(repeat)

Do you feel like a man, when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the grown?
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has.

Face down in the dirt she says, this doesn't hurt she says I finally had enough..
(repeat)

I am in love with [Diiwica] and no one else. I love her

so much.

This is forsure the hell I have forseen. This move tha is coming has pushed me back into who I used to be. The one thing I am afraid of. I am back to depression, irritability, being alone, shy, and a loser. Thats who I was and now thats who I am. If you have a problem then fucking shoot me that would be a big improvement from how I have fallen. Cuz its gonna take some serious work once again to get me out of this and frankly I dont think anyone can help me. Not even myself. Its kinda like trying to make a lame animal walk it isnt going to happen so you gotta shoot it.

FUCK EVERYTHING!!!! I TRIED WORKING THINGS OUT BUT NOW IT LOOKS L IKE I AM EVEN FUCKED MORE!!! FUCK IT ALL!!!! THE SECOND I AM IN MOUNT PLEASANT!!!! THERE WILL BE NO FRIENDS NO ANY TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP WITH ANYONE!!!! ATTATCHMENT IS GAY!!!! SO FUCK IT!!! THE ONLY PEOPLE I NEED OT BE ATTACHTED TO ARE THE PEOPLE HERE!!!!

My anger starts to rise
As my eyes kick back inside
My pupils turn out white
As my fists get red and tight

My skin it starts to bleed
As my nails dig like knifes
My viens protrude like snakes
Crawling through the night

My teeth clench down tight
As my mouth gets dry and cracked
My knuckles begin to bleed
As my mind begins to retrack

The nights of terror
The mornings of agony
The day that I
Lost all of my sanity

I recall the days
Where I used to be harmless
The days that were calm
The days that were untarnished

The days I had love
The days I did love
The day I lost my love
The day I regreted love

My fists loosen
As my eyes turn back green
My veins went back down
As my body began to lean

Now my body lays limp
Dead and bloodless
As my soul floats away
And is burdened with unforgiveness

well I hate ot say it but my life is over as I speak. I will be moving to mount pleasant. Sadly I am goign to miss my senior year and will have to go to another school for my last year of highschool. Frankly becoming a noob in another school for my last year of highschool and not being the top dog really fucking pisses me off. I have never been top dog and now I am and now itsb eing taken away from me along with alot of other things. I will also be moving further away from the love of my life and it only seems to be getting harder for the both of anyways so why not add another big FUCKING PILE OF SHIT ON TOP just ot make things even worse betweens us. Thanks Mom and Dad :). This fucking blows I will be leaving now I am done and frankly I am too pissed off to even think anymore.

Fight the fight alone
When the world is full of victims
Dims a fading light
In our souls

Leave the peace alone
How we all are slowly changing
Dims a fading light
In our souls

In my opinion seeing is to know
The things we hold
Are always first to go
And who's to say
We won't end up alone

On broken wings I'm falling
And it won't be long
The skin on me is burning
By the fires of the sun
On skinned knees
I'm bleeding
And it won't be long
I've got to find that meaning
And I'll search for so long

Cry ourselves to sleep
We will sleep alone forever
Will you lay me down
In the same place with all I love

Mend the broken homes
Care for them they are our brothers
Save the fading light in our souls

In my opinion seeing is to know
What you give
Will always carry you
And who's to say
We won't survive it too

Set a-free all
Relying on their will
To make me all that I am
And all that I'll be

Set a-free all
Will fall between the cracks
With memories of all that I am
And all that I'll be

ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! SOMEONE SAVE ME!!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!!! IT CAN'T END THIS WAY!!! IT CAN'T!!! GOD!!! OR ANYONE WHOS LISTENING PLEASE DON'T TAKE THIS AWAY FROM ME NOT LIEK THIS GOD PLEASE!!!!!!!

Standing in the corner
Of a low light room
Insatiably bleeding
From this internal wound

My eyes no longer tear
My sockets have dried
The pain is whats killing me
Its killing from the inside

Its sears like ice
On a freshly opened skin
Its sears liek fire
It pain consumes me within

I want to end the hurt
But I cannot do the deed
For if I were to die
My family would die with me

look I know your still in love with her but you fucked up. I know your only tryign to protect her from me and how badly I treat her but please back up off the insults. I think theo nly one who is immature and whiney is you sir. I mean come on you being your whiney self isnt going to win her back. You gotta be a man (not that I am much of one) but all this whiney shit oyu do is just plain old fucking annoying. I mean at least I am straight forward and dont guilt trip people into doing things. At least I am who I am. I mean you acting gay is totally a lie your eyes tell it. Your in love with her. I know it and don't deny it. I can see it in your eyes. But you see shes got someone. Taht someone is me. I am not going to brag that she has me but I am going ot brag that I have her. becuase she is the most beautiful girl most mazing girl I have ever met in my whole entire life. But please just back off your only making her situation worse.

The churning
The Burning
The undeciesive eye
My choice
My voice
Yet I stay silent
The tears
The fears
I drag myself under
Pulled down
By my crown
the thoughts are unbearable
I'm drained
From the strain
But yet I push myself forward
I'll die
Inside
If I don't push myself
I'll kill
her will
If I don't push forward
But if I push
And live to push
I'll kill myself in the process

I feel it everyday it's all the same
It brings me down but I'm the one to blame
I've tried everything to get away
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to

It feels like everyday stays the same
It's dragging me down and I can't pull away
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try

So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head
I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead
I know what's best for me
But I want you instead
I'll keep on wasting all my time

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try to

These tears fall
In iridescent form
These feelings of death
Freeze my thoughts
My eyes they burn
From the smell
The smell of burning flesh
As my body burns away
My heart begins to melt
For I am cold
Cold as ice
The beat of my dying heart
Rings like gun fire in my ear
Each beat lasting longer than the last
Each gun shot getting louder
My thoughs begin to fade
As my eyes begin to close
As my eye lids touch
They strike open
From a sharp pain
A pain driving my eyes to see
To see the demon that is killing me
The demon is me
Pulling off my red tattered hood
Showing my mischevious smirk
Driving the stake into my heart
Spreading my eyelids apart
My vision began to blur
As my body decayed away
Floating into the air
As I stood there with pride
I pulled my hood back on
Tightening my robe
As the dust of my body flew away
For me
I am my demon

Its weird how just one day can change your life. I mean today was one of those days. I work kiddie rides where I work and there was this big family that came in and they rode the rollercoaster and they were just having a great time and making me laugh as well and they had an older man in a wheel chair and he was laughing just as hard as the family and me if not harder. And he called me over telling me about the kids with this big smile on his face and come to find out he is dying from asl. I am not sure what that is but neways. He explained ot me that even though he was dying he was having the time of his life. And as he did he held his 17 year old grand daughter right next to him. And at that moment he stopped breathing and died. I just stopped and ran to get help afterwards I sat there wondering...thinking about how you never know when your goign to go. I mean hell I could go while I am typing this and no one would know. But after that I promised myself that I am not going to be conservative anymore. I am going to do what I want when it pops into my head. I mean I have been thinking of drinking my problems away fro a night and hell I think I will do that(just gotta find a place to). I mean why hold back when you never know when your gonna go. I mean I might even try becoming a christian again but I would lose alot of things in the process and honestly it seems liek a challenege so I just might but after i get drunk for a night or two. so long all

everything has gone haywire and all the shit has sprung lose and its all my fault all because of one inscident and honestly I wish I could just make my heart stop and breathing slow and just die. It would be alot easier than dealing with this I mean its all my fault and I know it and honestly if it wouldn't break peoples hearts I would be dead by now.