I tried to forget you but
You tied bells to your name
And they'd jingle everytime
I thought of you
Without shame
I tried to be unlovable
Why couldn't you do the same?

I'm free, finally. Free of the guilt and shame over a crime which had haunted me. I'm free, for His grace is enough, and He remembers His children.

Every time I hear that song, I'm reminded of my failings
Every time I hear that song, I'm reminded of my flaws
Every time I hear that song, I'm reminded of one I harmed
so I skip the song...but the reminders remain.

It's not just the one who introduced me to the song about the one who "wears high heels when she exercises, likes babies and surprises", though her I assuredly failed, lashing out when I should have been aiding. Is it always after a dreadful failure on my part that I become better? It seems that way--I fail Jo horrendously, I end up becoming a better person out of it, promising I'll never do that to a friend again. I fail an ally and I make good on my promise never to leave them out to dry. I fail those who supported me out on my own, and now I'm left to wonder: can I make good on my promise to not screw up like that again?

I fail, I fall, and I pick myself up again.
I claim, I promise, I'll never be there again.
The setting's changed, but it's all the same again.
I fail, I fall, and I pick myself up again.

It's a different mistake each time
It's getting hard to make these rhyme
I find a new and different way to miss
I check off another way to err on my list.

I'm writing this as much for show
as it is to myself know
but perhaps by showing this to a friend
I can, maybe, be reconciled again.

Health to the company-Brobdingnagian bards

here's a health to the company
and one to my lass
let us drink and be merry
All out of one glass
let us drink and be merry
all grief to refrain
for we may or may never
meet here again.

Tremble-Nichole Nordeman

Have I come too casually?
Because it seems to me
There's something I've neglected
How does one approach a Deity
with informality
And still protect the Sacred?

'Cause you came and chose to wear the skin of all of us
And it's easy to forget You left a throne

And the line gets blurry all the time
Between daily and Divine
And it's hard to know the difference

Oh, let me not forget to tremble
Oh, let me not forget to tremble
Face down on the ground do I dare
To take the liberty to stare at you
Oh, let me not,
Oh, let me not forget to tremble

What a shame to think that I'd appear
Even slightly cavalier
In the matter of salvation
Do I claim this gift You freely gave
As if it were mine to take
With such little hesitation?

'Cause you came and stood among the very least of us
And it's easy to forget you left a throne

Oh, let me not forget to tremble
Oh, let me not forget to tremble
Face down on the ground do I dare
To take the liberty to stare at you
Oh, let me not
Oh, let me not forget to tremble

The cradle of the grave could not contain Your Divinity
Neither can I oversimplify this love

Oh, let me not forget to tremble

Face down on the ground do I dare
To take the liberty to stare at you
Oh, let me
Oh, let me not forget to tremble

There's only one thing that hurts worse than things not working out between people...and that's watching as a dear friend experiences this and being helpless to stop it, helpless to defend. This is not something I can do for them, but something they must face. I will be with them, to be sure, but I cannot do it for them.

In other news, the local dance isn't going any better. I'm due to meet a friend wednesday. A friend, assuredly. But I cannot ever, will not have more. I refuse it, for I would surely leave one in worse condition than I found them. And that would not be a favor to them or to me.

I refuse more until I can leave someone in better shape than I found them. This might take a while, but it's a trade I'm willing to make, a trade I have to make.

I'm good for a laugh, but only a laugh, and never quite good enough. If I'm invincible, why don't I bloody ACT like it?!  There's too many things going on for my strength to fail me now. I cannot lend others my strength if I have none myself.

"I think I just feel things more intensely than most people. I don't think how I feel inside can really be communicated to anyone. Maybe it's because the feelings I have only work in fantasies, not the real world."-MT528

Parts of: Say Won't You Say--Jennifer Knapp

Say won't you say
say that you love me
with love ever loud,
love everlasting.
All my devotion
put into motion by you.

Isn't love amazing?
I forgot how to speak
knowing you are near
and I am finally free.

My eyes fear to close
this wreckless letting go
is hard to bear.
On the edge of what I need,
still I cling to what I see,
and what have I there?

I open up my eyes to see you standing there
oh I can hardly breathe, I can hardly bear
all the love that I feel for you inside
hope you're feeling now
some, somehow.

I feel so...inadequate. Like good isn't good enough. Like what I've done, who I've been...like I either need to find a higher gear or find a way to make do with less...because it's all I can do to stay with it.

Listen as the wind blows
from across the great divide,
Voices trapped in yearning,
memories trapped in time,
The night is my companion
and solitude my guide,
Would I spend forever here
and not be satisfied

Through this world I've stumbled
so many times betrayed,
Trying to find an honest word,
to find the truth enslaved,
Oh I'll speak to you in riddles and
I'll speak to you in rhymes

Into this night I wander,
it's morning that I dread,
Another day of knowing of
the path I fear to tread,
Oh into the sea of waking dreams
I follow without pride

Yes, I robbed and changed some of it from Sarah McLachlan's "Possession"...but it's a dark night I wander through...and I wonder if I'll see morning again.

It's not something she's responsible for, not at all. It's my own fault, my own personal weakness. I can't find a way to free myself from the chains that I keep unconsciously adding links to.

How did I get locked up inside?
What's this that renders me paralyzed?
I lost myself in small pieces
It happened over time

I traded love for a heavy chain
Another link every other day
I pulled it up and down a mountain

I wonder now if the choice was mine
The door was open, I walked inside
Nobody had my arm twisted
Nobody made me stay.

I'm finding myself bound to many things: consequences, guilt, shame, inadequacy, and yet at the same time...I can't let anyone else worry about me. I can't let anyone else know I'm not exactly okay. Why? Because I'm the only one allowed to worry about me. Don't worry about me...one, I'll be fine soon anyway; two, I'm not going to allow you to worry about me, much as I can...because there are bigger things out there to worry about than me.

I just need a bit of time to free myself from my chains, get a little help from Him with the dark ones that continue to assail me, time and again without remorse or relief. I'm under attack, and I don't know how long I'll hold out against the siege before falling.

I fight for two things, my faith and my friends. I don't stand up and fight for myself, usually because I don't see myself as a cause worth fighting for.


I write feelings coming onto paper. Sometimes it's writing what I see before me, in flashbacks. It's...well, I'm almost writing about it again here.

Yes, some firsts are gone...but there's a difference between a first and a first with someone I love as an expression of aforementioned love. At least, that's what I hope, that's what I tell myself. Either that, or I tell myself it's a hallucination, that it's not real, that it was never real. It's what I tell myself...about a lot of things, sometimes. That it isn't, was never real. Yes, it's denial, but if I keep trying to fool myself, I might just make it work. While I know it wouldn't be satisfying, to be living an intentional life of delusion...it would be safer, less painful.

I get to meet people anywhere I go. While people can't be replaced, the place they occupy can be filled...and some people have some rather unenviable shoes to fill. For in all things, treat people as an end unto themselves, and never simply a means.

What happened has happened. The past has played itself out, and it's time to put my behind in the past. I can't live in the past. I won't deny the appeal of going back to the flashbacks again and again, but I can't live in the past, it isn't fulfilling.


I can't really live in the future, worrying about things, hoping for stuff that may or may not show up. I've got to live in the present, going forward with what I've got and letting fly with it. It's about being myself, being open and even vulnerable. I've always chosen to be vulnerable around my friends--people see you better if you're not shielding yourself and armored. They see the shield, the armor. That's what I show the rest of the world, but I like to (perhaps foolishly) believe that in my own camp, among friends and allies, that I don't need to protect myself.

This is a bit of my own foolishness, talking so much about what I think and believe, leaving myself open, showing myself. Oh well...it's my nature, might as well fly with it.

I'm who I am...a knight, an obvious fighter for my faith and friends. I'll never leave them, and I'm open, on their side. It's my nature, and I'm not leaving it.

A delusion...
A most entertaining diversion...
A hallucination...
What I know is this: it isn't real. It wasn't real, isn't real, can't be real. It didn't happen, cannot have. I'm still responsible for my delusions, but I also am responsible to the realities.

I cannot allow myself to be blinded. I cannot allow myself to continue to walk amongst dreams, amongst wishes. I must walk with the tragic realities that I face each day, for I do not walk on clouds with angels. I fight each day, a grim life to be sure, but the truth is harder than fiction, the real world more difficult than fantasy.

I must find a way to distinguish what is real from those things, people, ideas, occurrences that did not happen. I'm done hallucinating my way through life. It's time to see things as they truly are, embrace the difficulties of real life instead of hiding, instead of wishing, instead of being a child and hoping things can be different, instead of being an idealist. Idealism, with nothing to back it, is merely wishing, merely longings for something that cannot be.

Here comes the night.

Wanderlust-Flogging Molly
Do you still walk the streets at night, back to the wanderlust you find, back to the corner where we went our separate ways?
----
I found a lot of wanderlust, back before I had to go away, to a place I know like the back of my hand. I'm a world-traveler, I wanna go exploring on foot through places I've never seen, wandering with no destination. Sadly, though, I'm back home, back in my own stomping grounds, somewhere I know all too well.

I'm not going back to that place where I could wander, either. I guess my wanderlust will have to sleep for some time.

Praise You In This Storm-Casting Crowns

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as You mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will life my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Set Me Free-Casting Crowns

It hasn't always been this way
I remember brighter days
Before the dark ones came
Stole my mind
Wrapped my soul in chains

Now I live among the dead
Fighting voices in my head
Hoping someone hears me crying in the night
And carries me away

Set me free of the chains holding me
Is anybody out there hearing me?
Set me free

Morning breaks another day
Finds me crying in the rain
All alone with my demons I am
Who is this man that comes my way?
The dark ones shriek
They scream His name
Is this the One they say will set the captives free?
Jesus, rescue me

As the God man passes by
He looks straight through my eyes
And darkness cannot hide

Do you want to be free?
Lift your chains
I hold the key
All power on Heaven and Earth belong to me

You are free
You are free
You are free

I think I might know a double-person
two people in one...
One of them...I saw most days...one of them is kind, gentle, shy, nice, doesn't want to hurt anyone or anything
The other one...well, the time I spent with her was very much Dickens-esque: The best of times and the worst of times. It was elation, it was a flicker of heaven, it was a close look, a touch, a taste of the fingerprints of God. It was darkness, it was seductive, it was something I both ran from and towards.

I still run from and towards her. It's going to pull me to pieces, though I think I might eventually escape. I might escape my memories and my thoughts of the nice one... but the other...she still haunts my lonely nights, my drive home, my dreams. She says she'll miss me, I hear a siren's song. She says I caused no problems, I see her sexy smile as I travel in forbidden territory. She says my absence doesn't help, I see her nose shrivel and her eyes crinkle up as my tongue touches her nose. She shakes her head "no", and I don't see "no", I see the long flowing hair that begs for fingers to run through it.

I am free, I am unconnected, I am alone...but I am followed. Not by her, not by active pursuit, but by the call of the siren, by the sensations and feelings brought to me that I'd never experienced.

Yes, a month or more later...it's like it was 6:00 that morning, after that night, still. I can call it back, phantom sensations and all. I don't know that I'll ever forget it, or her--either of them. I don't know that I entirely want to. At least part of me wants to hold onto it--all of her. Part of me only wants to hold onto some things. And part of me wants to leave her entirely behind. This is the combat I still fight, days after knowing the eventuality, weeks after knowing the sensuality, months after knowing the situation.

I'm still alive...but only just.

Things Like You- Sanctus Real

Loving things like you has wrecked my life, made me cry
Loving things like you has made me lose my mind
And I can't figure out why I've been hanging on
To all these things I've tried to leave behind me for so long

And I think it's time to find a better way to live my life
Than loving all those thingsthat keep me wrapped so tight

Everyone wants everyone else's eveything
Some time's the more we have the less we really gain
I'm tired of life and all that money has to buy
Get out of my heart, out of my mind, leaving you behind

Loving things like you has left me bruised, black and blue
Loving things like you has made me so confused
And I can't figure out what I've been waiting on
God I can't be living for things I know are wrong

Now I think it's time to write a better chapter in my life
Leaving all those things that keep me wrapped so tight

Why are we obsessed with possessions here on earth?
Go and take a look at the flowers and the birds
God is always taking care of nature's every need
And how much more important in The Father's eyes are we?
I said, how much more important in The Father's eyes are we?
He sees everything

I guess I'm glad the game's over. I'm glad that you and me are through. I can't help but wonder though, what could have been, between me and you. I doubt you'd have given up your guy, I doubt you'd have left him behind, I doubt I'd have been that guy, the one you talk to with your eyes.

I know we could have never been, and that's what helps me in the end. I know I'd have ended up left behind, left out to dry. I know you'd never have been true. I know you weren't the one for me, no matter how I wished I could have had you.

In the end, though, I'm off the rack. The wheels have stopped turning on this dread device that I ran back to every chance I got. I leaped back, strapped myself in for another magic torture ride. But now, I'm done with it, taken away from emotional masochism by circumstance. I'm away from the hooks and barbs, the net and wiles. The emotional masochism will fade, and what will remain? Just me. Not you, not she...just me.

Slash-and-yank. Wisdom teeth suck. Bloody spittle, cup after cup filled and poured down the sink. A pint by the end. "Conscious sedation" becoming 54321 g'night. Right.
Well...that's wisdom teeth. That's wisdom. I guess I'd rather have had the wisdom than the teeth, though.

Don't Worry About the Government-Talking Heads

"Loved ones, loved ones visit the building,
take the highway, park and come up and see me
I'll be working, working but if you come visit
I'll put down what I'm doing, my friends are important

Don't you worry 'bout me
I wouldn't worry about me
Don't you worry 'bout me
Don't you worry 'bout me"

But to be entirely serious, don't worry about me. I'm as much at fault as you, no matter how much I would have it otherwise. It's an experience to learn from to be sure, and I'm still learning. I'm only two weeks beyond 18, still everything to learn.

I've got some growing up to do...some growing in my own direction. I treasure my friends, my friendships. Perhaps it's just because I'm not like most, I don't make and keep friends easily. Maybe I'm just different. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that it will be a long time before I finally come out on top in this whole relationship jazz...but I will. I still am young, still have so much to learn.

Wishes-Superchick

The saddest thing is you could be anything
That you could want
We could have been everything
But we're not
The hardest part was getting this close to you
And giving up this dream i built with you
A fairytale that isn't coming true

I wish i didn't know inside
That it won't work out for you and i
I wish that i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye

After all the things you put me through
Life goes on before and after you
I've got some growing up to do

I wish i didn't know inside
That it won't work out for you and i
I wish that i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye

It's time i said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye

I wish i didn't have these doubts
I wish i didn't know inside
That it won't work out for you and i
I wish that i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye

It's time i said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye.

I Wonder-Chris Isaak

When I was younger I believed, that dreams came true.
Now I wonder.
Cause' I've seen much more dark skies, than blue.
Now I wonder.

I keep on praying for a blue sky, I keep on searching through the rain.
I keep on thinking of the good times, will they ever come again?
Now I wonder.
Now I wonder.

I keep on praying for a blue sky, I keep on searching through the rain.
I keep on thinking of the good times, will they ever come again?
Now I wonder.
Now I wonder.

When I was younger I believed, that I could win.
Now I wonder.
There was a time when you and I, walked hand & hand.
Now I wonder.

I keep on searching for the old me, I keep on thinking I can change.
I keep on hoping for a new day, will I ever feel the same?
Now I wonder.
Oh I wonder.
Now I wonder.