Two unsettling realizations
Mmkay. Been thinking lately and realized two things.

First: I will never be fully satisfied with who I am. I will always want to be better; it's like materialism of the spirit: I want to be just that little bit better of a human, just one quality more. I will go to my death (someday, preferably far away, though God's will be done, not mine) wanting to be a better person than I am at that time. It's not a great way to live, but it's what I've got at the moment.

Second: I'm holding out on God. I mean, I know the whole Christianity thing, and I WANT to be fully-devoted, fully letting God run my life...but there's still bits of me that are holding out against that. Holding out, making me feel like I'm trying to have a foot on two sides of a rapidly-splitting canyon. I know I'm not where I want to be, but I don't quite know how to get there--otherwise I'd be there.

Advice, consolation, hatemail...responses of any kind are welcome.

I'm leaving this here in case you see this before you see me, Sarah.
I still love you, even today. It stang to read the full story, at least as much because it reminded me of things I thought I'd left behind, events of my past I would wish away if I could.

We will both need to be cautious and not fall into the same trap with each other, but knowing is half the battle (GI JOE!). I'm willing to leave the events of the past back there, to put my behind in the past. If it becomes important, it can be revisited, but I'd just as soon leave it in the past, drop it and let it free.

Fresh out of pithy quips,
Knight

I haven't written here in some time. I've begun to wonder about this, about the people I know from here, and the people who would check this, and what they would think. I've got some dark times in my past--everyone does--but I'm through them and they are just that--past.

Things have been going rather well lately. Reconciled with a friend--the "Jo" from a few entries ago. Am growing to love a girl I met through this. College is closer to home, but grades are much better. Involved in college ministry in a creative way, and it seems to be blessed by God. Still wish I was back in missouri, but that's a choice I made last year in the things I did and didn't do. Not going to dwell on it. So yes, things aren't perfect, but they're pretty good.

So there's my update. As always, messages for clarity will be returned with answers, explanations, and light-weapons-fire. ;)

Shields up and Swords high,
Knight

It's been quite some time since I last stopped and cried about anything...but, as you might have guessed, there was something.

Why?- Nicole Nordeman

We rode into town the other day, just me and my Daddy. He said I’d finally reached that age,
and I could ride next to him on a horse that of course was not quite as wide
We heard a crowd of people shouting and so we stopped to find out why There was that man that my dad said he loved,
but today there was fear in his eyes

So I said Daddy why are they screaming? Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why is he dressed in that bright purple robe? I bet that crown hurts him more than he shows Daddy please can’t you do something?
He looks as if he’s going to cry
You said he is stronger than all of those guys-Daddy please tell me why, why does everyone want him to die?

Later that day the sky grew cloudy and daddy said I should go inside
Somehow he knew things would get stormy, boy was he right
But I could not keep from wondering if there was something that he had to hide
So after he left I had to find out, I was not afraid of getting lost
So I followed the crowds to a hill where I knew men had been killed
And I heard a voice come from a cross:

And it said : Father why are they screaming.Why are the faces of some of them beaming?Why are they casting their lots for my clothes??
I bet that crown hurts him more than he showsFather please can’t you do something? I know that you must hear my cry
I thought I could handle a cross of this size, Father remind me why, why does everyone want me to die.When will I understand why?

My precious Son, I hear them screaming.
I’m watching the face of the enemy beaming but soon I will clothe you in robes of my own.
Jesus this hurts me more than you know But this dark hour I must do nothing.
I’ve heard your unbearable cry—the power in your blood destroys all the lies, soon you’ll see past their unmerciful eyes.
Look there below see the child trembling by her father’s side. Now I can tell you why, she is why you must die.

It began and ended
as she desired.
I hope she left me
better than when I met she.
That is my standard
of if I've succeeded or failed.

Everyone lies.
Some lie for love
about who they are, what they've become,
or that they haven't changed.
Some lie to keep everything okay
but the truth will come out anyway.
I still don't hate, and never will.
The cold reality is a bitter pill.
It is now that I've become deranged.

I did her a disservice at least twice
neither one of them was nice
I thought she wouldn't honor the line I drew
and that line bent her towards changing, too.
She is owed, to her from me
A profound apology.
I'm sorry, Char, for drawing the line.
I'm sorry, Char, you won't be mine.
I wish I could say words to make it fine.
I wish...dammit, those two words again.
I told myself I wouldn't use them, but here I am again.
Ah, well. This time for sure, this time it's true.
I'll recover from these things that made me lose you.

...I understand why it is I have been as I am. It's because my self-destructive tendencies lie not with damaging my flesh, but my emotions, my mind, my relationships--with friends and potentially-more-than-such.

I don't know WHY it is I am this way--that will surely come in time. But I understand now, how I have been alone so long, why I've wished upon myself. It's because I tend towards self-destruction.

I think I just feel things more intensely than most people. I don't think how I feel inside can really be communicated to anyone. Maybe it's because the feelings I have only work in fantasies, not the real world.

I promise never until I can leave one better than I found them. I promise I'll leave these things behind, follow after Him. I find myself falling, failing. I find myself short. Why is it that every time I decide to place my hope in something other than my King, it falls flat shortly thereafter? Why is it that I am so easily fooled, such an easy mark?

No, why is not the question. How can I make it not so; now THAT is a question.

As you wish, so it shall be.
If you should ever, you know how to find me.
I do not run to others in fear.
I stand tall when they are near.
Tis when I'm alone that I hide and cry
Tis when all's quiet that I want (ever so little) to fly or die
But as things are, as they stand
I'm immortal against attacks by my own hand.
Whether I'm self-righteous or squeamish
I can't harm my own flesh.

Okay, it doesn't apply, but it seems like a good song, and it used to. 

This Animal I've Become- Three Days' Grace

I can't escape this hell
So many times I've tried
But I'm still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

[chorus]
So what if you can see
The darkest side of me
No one will ever tame
This animal i have become
Help me believe
It's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal

I can't escape myself
[I can't escape myself]
So many times I've lied
[So many times I've lied]
But there's still rage inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

[chorus]
So what if you can see
The darkest side of me
No one will ever tame
This animal i have become
Help me believe

It's not the real me
Somebody help me tame
This animal I have become
Help Me Believe
It's Not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal

[Bridge]
Somebody help me thorugh this nightmare
I can't control my self
Somebody wake me from this nightmare
I can't escape myself

This Animal..... X 7

[chorus]
So what if you can see
The darkest side of me
No one will ever tame
This animal i have become
Help me believe
Its not the real me
Somebody help me tame
This animal I have become
Help Me Believe
It's Not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
This animal I have become

------------------------
I was an animal. Now I'm taming it, now I'm making it work for me. I was in a nightmare, but I'm waking up. I showed people my darkest side, but now I'm shining His light--I hope.

It isn't entirely tamed yet, and sometimes it breaks loose...but I'm getting it under control.

I'm not what you want, I'm not what you need, I'm not what you love. You'll never again fool me. I will talk to you. I'm free.

You Owe Me Nothing In Return- Alanis Morissette

I'll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance if you want it
I will give you encouragement to choose the path that you want if you need it
You can speak of anger and doubts your fears and freak outs and I'll hold it
You can share your so-called shame filled accounts of times in your life and I won't judge it
(and there are no strings attached to it)

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return

You can ask for space for yourself and only yourself and I'll grant it
You can ask for freedom as well or time to travel and you'll have it
You can ask to live by yourself or love someone else and I'll support it
You can ask for anything you want anything at all and I'll understand it
(and there are no strings attached to it)

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return

I bet you're wondering when the next payback shoe will eventually drop
I bet you're wondering when my conditional police will force you to cough up
I bet wonder how far you have now danced you way back into debt
This is the only kind of love as I understand it that there really is

You can express your deepest of truths even if it means I'll lose you and I'll hear it
You can fall into the abyss on your way to your bliss I'll empathize with
You can say that you have to skip town to chase your passion I'll hear it
You can even hit rock bottom have a mid-life crisis and I'll hold it
(and there are no strings attached)

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return

I tried to forget you but
You tied bells to your name
And they'd jingle everytime
I thought of you
Without shame
I tried to be unlovable
Why couldn't you do the same?

I'm free, finally. Free of the guilt and shame over a crime which had haunted me. I'm free, for His grace is enough, and He remembers His children.

Every time I hear that song, I'm reminded of my failings
Every time I hear that song, I'm reminded of my flaws
Every time I hear that song, I'm reminded of one I harmed
so I skip the song...but the reminders remain.

It's not just the one who introduced me to the song about the one who "wears high heels when she exercises, likes babies and surprises", though her I assuredly failed, lashing out when I should have been aiding. Is it always after a dreadful failure on my part that I become better? It seems that way--I fail Jo horrendously, I end up becoming a better person out of it, promising I'll never do that to a friend again. I fail an ally and I make good on my promise never to leave them out to dry. I fail those who supported me out on my own, and now I'm left to wonder: can I make good on my promise to not screw up like that again?

I fail, I fall, and I pick myself up again.
I claim, I promise, I'll never be there again.
The setting's changed, but it's all the same again.
I fail, I fall, and I pick myself up again.

It's a different mistake each time
It's getting hard to make these rhyme
I find a new and different way to miss
I check off another way to err on my list.

I'm writing this as much for show
as it is to myself know
but perhaps by showing this to a friend
I can, maybe, be reconciled again.

Health to the company-Brobdingnagian bards

here's a health to the company
and one to my lass
let us drink and be merry
All out of one glass
let us drink and be merry
all grief to refrain
for we may or may never
meet here again.

Tremble-Nichole Nordeman

Have I come too casually?
Because it seems to me
There's something I've neglected
How does one approach a Deity
with informality
And still protect the Sacred?

'Cause you came and chose to wear the skin of all of us
And it's easy to forget You left a throne

And the line gets blurry all the time
Between daily and Divine
And it's hard to know the difference

Oh, let me not forget to tremble
Oh, let me not forget to tremble
Face down on the ground do I dare
To take the liberty to stare at you
Oh, let me not,
Oh, let me not forget to tremble

What a shame to think that I'd appear
Even slightly cavalier
In the matter of salvation
Do I claim this gift You freely gave
As if it were mine to take
With such little hesitation?

'Cause you came and stood among the very least of us
And it's easy to forget you left a throne

Oh, let me not forget to tremble
Oh, let me not forget to tremble
Face down on the ground do I dare
To take the liberty to stare at you
Oh, let me not
Oh, let me not forget to tremble

The cradle of the grave could not contain Your Divinity
Neither can I oversimplify this love

Oh, let me not forget to tremble

Face down on the ground do I dare
To take the liberty to stare at you
Oh, let me
Oh, let me not forget to tremble

There's only one thing that hurts worse than things not working out between people...and that's watching as a dear friend experiences this and being helpless to stop it, helpless to defend. This is not something I can do for them, but something they must face. I will be with them, to be sure, but I cannot do it for them.

In other news, the local dance isn't going any better. I'm due to meet a friend wednesday. A friend, assuredly. But I cannot ever, will not have more. I refuse it, for I would surely leave one in worse condition than I found them. And that would not be a favor to them or to me.

I refuse more until I can leave someone in better shape than I found them. This might take a while, but it's a trade I'm willing to make, a trade I have to make.

I'm good for a laugh, but only a laugh, and never quite good enough. If I'm invincible, why don't I bloody ACT like it?!  There's too many things going on for my strength to fail me now. I cannot lend others my strength if I have none myself.

"I think I just feel things more intensely than most people. I don't think how I feel inside can really be communicated to anyone. Maybe it's because the feelings I have only work in fantasies, not the real world."-MT528

Parts of: Say Won't You Say--Jennifer Knapp

Say won't you say
say that you love me
with love ever loud,
love everlasting.
All my devotion
put into motion by you.

Isn't love amazing?
I forgot how to speak
knowing you are near
and I am finally free.

My eyes fear to close
this wreckless letting go
is hard to bear.
On the edge of what I need,
still I cling to what I see,
and what have I there?

I open up my eyes to see you standing there
oh I can hardly breathe, I can hardly bear
all the love that I feel for you inside
hope you're feeling now
some, somehow.

I feel so...inadequate. Like good isn't good enough. Like what I've done, who I've been...like I either need to find a higher gear or find a way to make do with less...because it's all I can do to stay with it.

Listen as the wind blows
from across the great divide,
Voices trapped in yearning,
memories trapped in time,
The night is my companion
and solitude my guide,
Would I spend forever here
and not be satisfied

Through this world I've stumbled
so many times betrayed,
Trying to find an honest word,
to find the truth enslaved,
Oh I'll speak to you in riddles and
I'll speak to you in rhymes

Into this night I wander,
it's morning that I dread,
Another day of knowing of
the path I fear to tread,
Oh into the sea of waking dreams
I follow without pride

Yes, I robbed and changed some of it from Sarah McLachlan's "Possession"...but it's a dark night I wander through...and I wonder if I'll see morning again.

It's not something she's responsible for, not at all. It's my own fault, my own personal weakness. I can't find a way to free myself from the chains that I keep unconsciously adding links to.

How did I get locked up inside?
What's this that renders me paralyzed?
I lost myself in small pieces
It happened over time

I traded love for a heavy chain
Another link every other day
I pulled it up and down a mountain

I wonder now if the choice was mine
The door was open, I walked inside
Nobody had my arm twisted
Nobody made me stay.

I'm finding myself bound to many things: consequences, guilt, shame, inadequacy, and yet at the same time...I can't let anyone else worry about me. I can't let anyone else know I'm not exactly okay. Why? Because I'm the only one allowed to worry about me. Don't worry about me...one, I'll be fine soon anyway; two, I'm not going to allow you to worry about me, much as I can...because there are bigger things out there to worry about than me.

I just need a bit of time to free myself from my chains, get a little help from Him with the dark ones that continue to assail me, time and again without remorse or relief. I'm under attack, and I don't know how long I'll hold out against the siege before falling.

I fight for two things, my faith and my friends. I don't stand up and fight for myself, usually because I don't see myself as a cause worth fighting for.


I write feelings coming onto paper. Sometimes it's writing what I see before me, in flashbacks. It's...well, I'm almost writing about it again here.

Yes, some firsts are gone...but there's a difference between a first and a first with someone I love as an expression of aforementioned love. At least, that's what I hope, that's what I tell myself. Either that, or I tell myself it's a hallucination, that it's not real, that it was never real. It's what I tell myself...about a lot of things, sometimes. That it isn't, was never real. Yes, it's denial, but if I keep trying to fool myself, I might just make it work. While I know it wouldn't be satisfying, to be living an intentional life of delusion...it would be safer, less painful.

I get to meet people anywhere I go. While people can't be replaced, the place they occupy can be filled...and some people have some rather unenviable shoes to fill. For in all things, treat people as an end unto themselves, and never simply a means.

What happened has happened. The past has played itself out, and it's time to put my behind in the past. I can't live in the past. I won't deny the appeal of going back to the flashbacks again and again, but I can't live in the past, it isn't fulfilling.


I can't really live in the future, worrying about things, hoping for stuff that may or may not show up. I've got to live in the present, going forward with what I've got and letting fly with it. It's about being myself, being open and even vulnerable. I've always chosen to be vulnerable around my friends--people see you better if you're not shielding yourself and armored. They see the shield, the armor. That's what I show the rest of the world, but I like to (perhaps foolishly) believe that in my own camp, among friends and allies, that I don't need to protect myself.

This is a bit of my own foolishness, talking so much about what I think and believe, leaving myself open, showing myself. Oh well...it's my nature, might as well fly with it.

I'm who I am...a knight, an obvious fighter for my faith and friends. I'll never leave them, and I'm open, on their side. It's my nature, and I'm not leaving it.

A delusion...
A most entertaining diversion...
A hallucination...
What I know is this: it isn't real. It wasn't real, isn't real, can't be real. It didn't happen, cannot have. I'm still responsible for my delusions, but I also am responsible to the realities.

I cannot allow myself to be blinded. I cannot allow myself to continue to walk amongst dreams, amongst wishes. I must walk with the tragic realities that I face each day, for I do not walk on clouds with angels. I fight each day, a grim life to be sure, but the truth is harder than fiction, the real world more difficult than fantasy.

I must find a way to distinguish what is real from those things, people, ideas, occurrences that did not happen. I'm done hallucinating my way through life. It's time to see things as they truly are, embrace the difficulties of real life instead of hiding, instead of wishing, instead of being a child and hoping things can be different, instead of being an idealist. Idealism, with nothing to back it, is merely wishing, merely longings for something that cannot be.

Here comes the night.