Ugh, it's not even 8am. DS apparently got shattered. "lost"(probably had stolen) yet another pair of headphones, and I'm out of smokes. Pray for me please

Good news and horrific news everyone! I'm gainfully employed and start this morning!

Bad news being it's 5:00am, I've got less than 3 hours sleep again, and there's fucking bedbugs in my new room.

If you've never experienced these monsters before, let me put it in perspective.
I'm arachnophobic and i'd rather be covered in spiders. Bedbugs procreate like rats, are nearly impossible to kill and almost impossible to remove from a house. I'm fair skinned so they love me. I average about 25 bites per night, with as many as one hundred. A bedbug bite itches about ten times worse than a mousquito bite, and lasts three times as long. They give me a fever and loss of appetite.

I've been sick for three weeks now. My skin is covered in sores and hives and bumps. I need a full week with no bites to recover, I can't get one fucking day

Thought about entering some daily poem submissions. Forgot that's impossible on my phone. Oh well, should practice first any way.

The Cut in Return

I cut you because I love you
And you cut me first
I cried out in pain
You cried out in anger

But that is cut for cut
Whose blade is one of virtue?
You brought forth, for you hate me
When I worship the hand holding the knife

You're killing me brightly
For all I've done to you out of love
I hold your ghost tightly
Because you lost your soul when
You cut me out.

a Poem written by Darran "Sideways" Kern

"I'm singing this to you, girl, wherever you are tonight. Listen to my verses, and remember something like you knew me before all this...

What's coming through is alive
What's holding up is a mirror
What's singing songs is a snake
And he's looking to turn my piss to wine

They're both totally void of hate
Killing me just the same

The snake behind me hisses
What my damage could have been
But my blood before me make me
Open up my heart again

But I feel this coming over like a storm again...
Considerately

Venomous voice tempts me
Bleeds me, leaves me
Cracked and empty,
Drags me down like some sweet Gravity

The snake behind me hisses
What my damage could have been
But my blood before me makes me
Open up my heart again

But I feel this coming over like a storm again...
Considerately

I aim to--Connect with you!
Slipped away, faded away
Days away--I still feel you
Touching me. Changing me
Considerately killing me.

But once the snake is drowned
And I look in his eyes
My fear begins to fade
Recalling all the good times

I could have cried then...Should have cried then

And the Walls come down
And as I look in your eyes
My pain begins to dull
Recalling all of the times

I have died.
And will die.
It's all right.
I don't mind.

Ugh, nobody loves a negative person. I'm so negative I have a static charge -_-
bedbugs suck.

In other news I'm lonely and repressed. Should I stick my hand back in the fire and try to get another human being to look me in the eyes and say "I love you," and mean it. Women are such horrifying creatures. Why am I always so eager to put my heart in their claws?

Seriously. Guys are always clamoring about needing to get laid. I must be one backwards guy. Sex is the most forgettable part about women to me. Something about holding hands and feeling that electric sensation, like a circuit getting completed. Or maybe cuddling on the couch, Just someone who can make me believe there's something special left in this dead husk. Does that make me strange? That I'd happily go months into a relationship with no sex if it meant I got free hugs?

Buuuuuutt, you know what they've said. Not worth it. Yeah I'm a slice of H.A.M. All great, worth-it guys are, inside at least. Yet it seems as though fate would have all females hate me. Like seriously hate me. The ones I date, I mean. I have a sickeningly sweet charm and my embrace has known no unsatisfied customer. Seems I just have to close my mouth sometimes I guess.

And keep it shut. I guess I assume the healer role. Girls love me because I have the gift, I heal their hearts. Of course they wake up one day to discover I have my own demons and they are quite ugly. Then they pass, like a phase, usually with disgust.

Hmmm, otherwise I'm still alive. Fucking maddeningly bored and a trifle lonely. Maybe I should sit around and learn to love myself. I need to revamp. I carved a niche with the "Really sensitive, nice, geek kid whose hung like a horse" personality, and kept them interested with the unexpected dark, wounded side.. But ultimately I'm always the broke, unemployed car-less younger guy (my ex's average at least three years older than me), and when the fighting starts, so does the second guessing.

I believed them all, you know. That's why I write the emotional vomit diary entries. It always blows my mind when I find out you nuts read all this shit. For fucks sake, read the songs instead!

And women are fickle, vengeful, and, it gives me no pleasure to say it, very often disloyal. I feel like a cell phone. I'm outdated, upgrade you model and throw me in the trash. You'd be surprised it's rarely personal. The girls act like it's so, but it's just mostly "I found a universally better fuck. You, you're outta here!" hey, it's natural. Fucked up, but natural.
So why do I need one so bad?

Because you're the only apes whose bannanas I'll eat. My best friends, my own family, I don't believe any of those bloodthirsty thieves. When a girl says she loves me, my pale, soft, average featured, neurotic and damaged self, surely she means it. Look at all the mess she got past. I'll believe her.

"You can't do anything right, Darran. You're worthless!"
Yup, still taking your word for it, sugar.

*sigh* thanks for reading.

And no mort, I won't find true love at B's D. That I'm sure of.

I hope my mom dies a slow and painful death. Maybe anthrax infection. Or intestinal cancer.

Mmm, more painful allegory...

Trudging slowly over wet sand
Back to the bench where your clothes were stolen
This is the sea-side town
That they forgot to blow down

Come, Armageddon
Come, Armageddon, come

Every day's like Sunday
Every day is silent and grey
Every day's like Sunday

Hide on the promenade- etch a postcard
How I dearly wish I was not here
In the sea-side town
That they forgot to bomb

Come on, nuclear war

Every day's like Sunday
Every day is silent and grey

Trudging back over pebbles and sand
When a strange dust falls on your hands
And your face... And your face

Every day's like Sunday
Have some greased tea with me
Every day is silent and grey

Ok. Ok. I see how it is. I give up. I can run, but I'll only die tired.

I'm very tired. The only people who care about me use me or only pity me. I'm so tired people are afraid when they look at me.
People look at me like I'm a black hole, and if they acknowledge me, they'll get sucked in. I don't want to die and I don't want to live. Every kind word I've said to you all I have meant. It doesn't change that it was still at it's core a desperate cry for attention.

There is no God. If there is, he doesn't love me. I'm so unlucky, so fucked sideways, so weary, if there's a god, he hates me. In fact I can find no earthly explanation for any of this. I have nowhere to turn. I'm dying. I can feel it. No, I'm not suicidal. It's just every day that passes I feel less alive. I get sick easy now, I get exhausted fast. Every muscle aches every minute I'm awake. My nights contain not much more than crying myself to sleep, having nightmares all night, then waking up haggard to do it again.

And they all look at me like "You ungrateful fuck." their eyes say "Its easy, you pussy. Grow up!"

I'm expendable. Totally so. I'm worthless. Everything is conditional. If I can't meet your conditions, you leave. You all do.

I'm too tired to cry. I'm too tired to hate you all. I just want to rest. I can't do this anymore.

Do you ever feel expendable? Like a catalyst? Like someone elses way out? Like people use you when they're weak, and sing your praises, till the day you fall. Then you're a liability, a pain, a problem. Suddenly life is better without you.

Don't you ever see them later? See them smiling and loving and living? Do you feel that loss when they kiss their new ones, walk with their new packs, knowing you'll always remember and you'll maybe never cross their mind again?

I'm so dessicated, broken, emaciated, drained. But fuck you all, I'll keep giving, because that's what defines me.
Someone, somewhere, will think my love is worth returning, that my loyalty is peerless and honorable. I've never left any of you. Never.

This is dedicated to all my ET friends. Hang in there girls!

Chewed the bone down too low
Got fed on tea and sympathy
Blew the sail like the wind
I wish you were my enemy
I was humble for you

What a fool I've been to have
Laid so low for so long
Into that void of silence
Where we cry without sound
Where tears roll down

And where your mother's violence
Sent your soul underground
Where tears roll down

Drew the blade way too slow
Was shackled by your honesty
Made a mess, I guess I should have known
That life was lust and liberty

Not a chance mutation or the last temptation
Laid so low for so long, so low
Into that void of silence
Where we cry without sound
Where tears roll down

And where your mother's violence
Sent your soul underground
Where tears roll down

I'm the man in the box
Buried in my pit
Won't you come and save me?

Save my eyes!
Can you sow them shut?
Jesus Christ!
Deny your maker
All his trials
Will be wasted
I'll believe my eyes
Now you sow them Shut

I'm the dog who gets beat
Shove my nose in shit!
Won't you come and save me?
Save me?

Save my eyes!
Can you sow them shut?
Jesus Christ!
Deny your maker
All his trials
Will be wasted
I'll believe my eyes
Now you sow them Shut

Yay! I has roof and bed and shower and food! Wooooooot!

Ugh, haven't wanted to say anything about it, but I've been homeless since last Sunday. It sucks. A lot

I watch to observe something other than me
To relieve my constant pain
But how do I see what sets me free
When I'm always about to crack?

I'll flush out my soul
And scrape off all the plaque
I'm cleaned out and empty
So nothing will come back

This song is about me right now, and it's a very clear look into the feelings I feel.
The song is clearly an allegory to addiction.


Two times now,
I've been struck down by a voice that
Speaks from deep beneath the endless water

It's twice as clear as Heaven
Twice as deep as reason
Deep and rich like silt on a riverbed
And just as never-ending

The currents mount below me
Opens up around me
Suggests and beckons all while swallowing
Surrounds and drowns and sweeps me away!
But I'm so comfortable, Too comfortable

Shut up,Shut up, Shut up, You're saturating me
How could I let this bring me back to my knees?

Third time now
I've been baptized by a voice that
Screams from deep beneath the cold, black water

It's half as high as Heaven
Half as clear as reason
Clear and black like silt on a riverbed
Just as never-ending

The current's mount below me
Opens up around me
Suggests and beckons all while swallowing
Surrounds and drowns and washes me away!

But I'm so comfortable, Too comfortable
Shut up, Shut up, Shut up, You're saturating me
How could I let this happen?

Why don't you kill me?
I am weak! And numb! And insignificant!
How could I let this bring me
Back to my knees?

Euphoria

I'm back down
In the undertow
I'm helpless and awake
I'm in the Undertow
Awake down beneath the undertow
There doesn't seem to be a way out of the Undertow
 
Missing: </i>Missing: </b>

I see you drivin' round town with the girl I love
And I'm like "Fuck You!" woo hoo!
I guess the change in my pocket wasn't enough so
I'm like "Fuck You! And Fuck her too!"

Said if I was richer, I'd still be with ya
Ain't that some shit?
And though I'm prayin in my church
I still wish you the best
With a "Fuck You!"

So I'm sorry, I can't afford a Ferrari
But that don't mean I can't get you there
I guess you're an expert, no morals there babe
But the way you play your game ain't fair

I picture the Fool who falls in love with you
Oh yes she's a gold digger, should know she's a gold digger
Oooh, ooh, Got some news for you.
Go tell your little boyfriend!

I see you drivin' round town with the girl I love
And I'm like "Fuck You!" woo hoo!
I guess the change in my pocket wasn't enough so
I'm like "Fuck You! And Fuck her too!"

Said if I was richer, I'd still be with ya
Ain't that some shit?
And though I'm prayin in my church
I still wish you the best
With a "Fuck You!"

I know, I had to borrow
Beg and steal and lie and cheat
Tryin to keep ya, tryin to please ya
Cuz bein in love with your ass ain't cheap

I picture the Fool that falls in love with you
Oh yes she's a gold digger, oh yeah a gold digger
Oooh, ooh, I got some knew for you
Damn, I really hate your ass right now

I see you drivin' round town with the girl I love
And I'm like "Fuck You!" woo hoo!
I guess the change in my pocket wasn't enough so
I'm like "Fuck You! And Fuck her too!"

Said if I was richer, I'd still be with ya
Ain't that some shit?
And though I'm prayin in my church
I still wish you the best
With a "Fuck You!"

Baby, baby why you gotta treat me so bad?
I tried to tell my momma but she said this one is for yo dad
I'm like why??? Whyy???! Why baby?!!
Oh, I still love you!! Oh!

you drivin' round town with the girl I love
And I'm like "Fuck You!" woo hoo!
I guess the change in my pocket wasn't enough so
I'm like "Fuck You! And Fuck her too!"

Said if I was richer, I'd still be with ya
Ain't that some shit?
And though I'm prayin in my church
I still wish you the best
With a "Fuck You ;)"

I'm having a bad night. Could use some support

I hate everything I am becoming
This change is torture
There is never enough to give
Only plenty to take-- And this I wage

When the ground parts from below
Will it feel so?
How can I gain from another
When the other's gone?

This hand, this hurt, my heart
I'll flirt with disaster just know now, man
The deal is off

I'll be no good-- This time defines
I'll put my touch around the grip of this knife
These dirty hands just won't come clean
I'm a murderer
The worst these worlds will see

Mercy, Just leave him a little bit longer
He's all my world
My love, I apoligize-- with that
You'll see the end of days, just rest assured

Because they won't let him go
And I remain so
Alone, to work out a clever way
to get him home

I will... Do what... I must
I'll flirt with disaster
Just know now Boy
You're out of luck

I'll be no good--this time defines
I'll put my touch around the grip of this knife
These dirty hands just won't come clean
I'm a murderer
The worst these worlds will see

Oh save me from defeat again
This is war
Murder the one so close!
While he trusts, you curse
Die! My darling!

If only you'd know
How truly you glow
In the Flame of Error

Oh I ask too much
Please turn back the clock
And Take me instead!

How have you come to lose
The only thing the other wants of you?
I've become the wrong in everyone's sleep
Please burn me, my God....

I'll be no good--This time defines
I'll put my touch around the grip of this knife
These dirty hands just won't come clean
I'm a murderer
The worst these worlds will see

Oh save me from defeat again
This is war
Murder the one so close
While he trusts you curse
Die! My darling!
Save me from defeat again...

Down beneath the sea of black bubbles
Inside the secret door in the sand
Beyond the broken Buddha
On the sunrise beach with too cracked moons

He's sitting, hopeful, holding tight to Shaggy Penny
Wondering what will happen when the sun finally comes up
it's only taken seven years to do so

Today my ghost here doesn't speak. I don't know what that means.
I'm afraid to, I guess
I watch the boy, jealous of his blonde hair
Jealous of his own particular fear

Which God takes us down and pulls us up?
Which lesson should give me happiness?
You know, kid, I thought you swept this beach
But there's dying limbs everywhere

So the dog won't acknowledge me, you won't get off the shore
And I won't call out to you that dear Orion flies east tonight
We know the past is about to repeat
Damn you, my brother, your eyes see his belt and bow

Even in this fearsome pink sky
Even as grey-green rays penetrate the western blackness
Even as we get ready to stitch our mouths to die quietly
Know that this time I love you

May God let that be difference enough.

Sorry lost phone, has phone back now. <3 u all.

Metaphor for a missing moment
Pull me into your perfect circle
One womb, one chain, one resolve
Liberate this will--to release a soul

Gotta cut away, clear away
Snip away in spite of this
Umbilical residue
That's keeping me from killing you

And from pulling you down with me here
I can almost hear you scream

Gotta cut away, clear away
Snip away in spite of this
Umbilical residue
That's keeping me from killing you