What? Throw dirt on me and grow a wild flower
But it's fuck the world. Get a child out her
Yeah, my life a bitch, but you know nothing 'bout her
Been to hell and back, I can show you vouchers

I roll in sweets, I'm smoking sour
Married to the game, but she broke her vows
That's why my bars are full of broken bottles
And my night stands are full of open bibles

Ugh, I think about more than I forget
But I don't go around fire expecting not to sweat
And these niggas know I lay 'em down, make your bed
Bitches, try to kick me while I'm down, I break your leg!

Money out-weighing problems on the triple beam
I'm sticking to the script
You nigga's skipping scenes
Right? Be good or be good at it!
Fucking right! I got my gun, semi-automatic

Yeah? Put they dick in their mouth, so I guess it's fuck what they say
I'm high as a bitch, up up and away,
Man, I come down in a couple of days
Okay, you want me up in the cage? Then I'll come out in BEAST MODE!
I got this world stuck in a safe; cominbation is the G code!

It's me, motherfucka, blood gang and I'm in bleed mode,
All about my door but I don't even check the peep hole
So you can keep knocking, But won't lock me down
No love lost. No love foundMissing: </b>

If ever words were spoken
Painful and untrue
I said I loved you but I lied

In my life
All I wanted
Was the keeping
Of someone like you
As it turns out
Deeper within me
Love was twisted, and pointed at you

--Never ending pain, quickly ending life --

You keep this love! Thing
Love! Child
Love! Toy

You keep this love! Fist
Love! Song
Love! Break
You keep this love

I'd been the tempting one
Stole her from herself
This gift in pain
Her pain was life

And sometimes, I feel so sorry
I regret this, the hurting of you
But you make me so unhappy
I'd take my life and leave love with you

--I'd kill myself for you, I'd kill you for myself --

You keep this love! Thing
Love! Child
Love! Toy
You keep this love! Fist
Love! Song
Love! Break
You keep this love!

No more head trips

You keep this love! Thing
Love! Child
Love! Toy
You keep this love! fist,
Love! Song
Love! Break
You keep this love!
Hope
Missing: </b>

Don't hear! Don't deem!
Drown in before you dive!
Don't care! Commit!
to your self destruction drive!
I kiss the ground with love beyond forever
Flip off the sky
With bleeding fingers till I die!

Enemy, take one good look at me
Eradicate what you'll always be
Your tainted flesh, polluted soul
Through a mirror I behold!

Throw a punch, shards bleed on the floor
Tearing me apart
But I don't care anymore!
Should I regret? Or ask myself
Are You Dead Yet?

Wake up! Don't cry!
Regenerate to deny
The truth,
The fiction you live in blindfold your eyes

Disclosure, self loathing
This time you've gone too far
Or could it be, my nemesis,
That you are me?

Enemy, take one good look at me
Eradicate what you'll always be
Your tainted flesh, polluted soul
Through a mirror I behold!

Throw a punch, shards bleed on the floor
Tearing me apart
But I don't care anymore!
Should I regret? Or ask myself
ARE YOU DEAD YET?Missing: </b>

When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry

You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here...

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell I'm doing here?
I don't belong here

She's running out the door
She's running out
She runs, runs, runs,

Runs! Run!

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special...

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here...
I don't belong here Missing: </b>

I'm going to die soon. I've lost everything I own, and all of my friends and family in a few short hours. I'm physically beaten up by my own best friend, and my moms leaving me to die.

It'll be over soon. At this rate, at least. I'm going to die. I can feel it. I don't know what's going to happen next. I'm in a small tire shop now charging my phone. This may be the last any of you hear from me. I love you all.

Okay sorry for the diary spam. This is a real entry I swear.

I'm having trouble getting over the things I fucked up this year. Particularly how mean I was to [Lilya Athena]. she dumped me for a reason I don't fully grasp, but I was so heartbroken I turned to anger. She's such a sweet and compassionate and brilliant and creative girl. She meant a lot to me. Her constant support and kindness was something I took for granted. Now when I think about how generous and forgiving she was/is, and how she doesn't ever want to speak to me again now, I feel like a lead weight with a creamy, dogshit center.

As for [Akane Ice], I miss the hellout of her, but I completely understand where she was coming from cutting me off. I just wish it was more...uh.. amicable. I'm pretttty sure she hates me too.

I can't stand being hated by people I love. It hurts. I think it makes me a scumbag. 

Lacerating pains of degeneration speed through your
trembling mind
Still, in machine-like strife you gain another mile
The temporary elusive goal: To reach the solace, to
feed once more
upon the synthetic reaper of loss. No matter the
outcome. No matter the cost

Cold and stinging needs tearing through the halls
Of your defiled, flesh made temple with its closing
walls
Still you claim the worshippers pose and you bow. You
kneel

Control: once superior, now a docile pet at chaos'
feet
Pulling the leash as it trails the scent to where all
hurt recedes
Your past a blurry patch in mind, your future once; now thin dreams filed
Toward the lights of need you strive, to drink into your vein the shine
Beaten to the unforgiving ground.

Lashed into submission
By the inner starving demon. By its unrelenting hand
Still you claim the worshippers pose and you bow. You kneel to the syringe

Answering only to authorities of sedation. Their calls the only ones heeded
A worn out soldier touched by their contagion. A battered drone at their feet
You're the one betrayed. An outcast set afire by your
inner war
Your burning self so far astray. A combustion fanned
from within your core

She wheezes out her dying wish
Come closer--one more moment, one more kiss
And I love her, I give her all I can

Her body sinks, her heat released
The curtain swings, this time she leaves
I'll remember all she's done for me
But only I forgot-- I'm not
Ready To let her go!

As all time moves
You'll be riddled with doubt
You'll mourn to pull through
But Love is dangerous!

When Skeletons Live
Inside your closets, thick and thin
You'll fear that no one will hear us sing our songs
The truth is relevant--But not for long because

Love is our downfall
I'm sorry! This life
Cuts out everything
Leaves you to scrounge for nothing

There is no chance to try and mend
What's been broken can't be bent
So the past remains the past until present

The cradle sways my dark disguise
This black coffin breathes our time's demise
Only these shackles know just how long I've grieved

I made my move
With no worry or doubt
Let them live as they do
My enternal reminder

When Skeletons Live
Inside your closet, thick and thin
You'll fear that no one will hear us sing our songs
The truth is relevant-- but not for long because
Love is our downfall

I'm sorry, but the hurt's not going away
I'll bury all the past, everything in it's place

When Skeletons Live
Inside your closets, thick and thin
You'll fear that no one will hear us sing our songs
The truth is relevant but not for long, because

Love is our downfall
I'm sorry! This life
Cuts out everything
Leaves you to scrounge for nothing
Cuts out everything
Leaves you to scrounge for nothing

Ok, 9;:45am. Left my house because my house manager screamed at me for asking him about the bedbug problem. I informed him that he should pull his head out of his sphincter before he blows it out his ass

Ugh, it's not even 8am. DS apparently got shattered. "lost"(probably had stolen) yet another pair of headphones, and I'm out of smokes. Pray for me please

Good news and horrific news everyone! I'm gainfully employed and start this morning!

Bad news being it's 5:00am, I've got less than 3 hours sleep again, and there's fucking bedbugs in my new room.

If you've never experienced these monsters before, let me put it in perspective.
I'm arachnophobic and i'd rather be covered in spiders. Bedbugs procreate like rats, are nearly impossible to kill and almost impossible to remove from a house. I'm fair skinned so they love me. I average about 25 bites per night, with as many as one hundred. A bedbug bite itches about ten times worse than a mousquito bite, and lasts three times as long. They give me a fever and loss of appetite.

I've been sick for three weeks now. My skin is covered in sores and hives and bumps. I need a full week with no bites to recover, I can't get one fucking day

Thought about entering some daily poem submissions. Forgot that's impossible on my phone. Oh well, should practice first any way.

The Cut in Return

I cut you because I love you
And you cut me first
I cried out in pain
You cried out in anger

But that is cut for cut
Whose blade is one of virtue?
You brought forth, for you hate me
When I worship the hand holding the knife

You're killing me brightly
For all I've done to you out of love
I hold your ghost tightly
Because you lost your soul when
You cut me out.

a Poem written by Darran "Sideways" Kern

"I'm singing this to you, girl, wherever you are tonight. Listen to my verses, and remember something like you knew me before all this...

What's coming through is alive
What's holding up is a mirror
What's singing songs is a snake
And he's looking to turn my piss to wine

They're both totally void of hate
Killing me just the same

The snake behind me hisses
What my damage could have been
But my blood before me make me
Open up my heart again

But I feel this coming over like a storm again...
Considerately

Venomous voice tempts me
Bleeds me, leaves me
Cracked and empty,
Drags me down like some sweet Gravity

The snake behind me hisses
What my damage could have been
But my blood before me makes me
Open up my heart again

But I feel this coming over like a storm again...
Considerately

I aim to--Connect with you!
Slipped away, faded away
Days away--I still feel you
Touching me. Changing me
Considerately killing me.

But once the snake is drowned
And I look in his eyes
My fear begins to fade
Recalling all the good times

I could have cried then...Should have cried then

And the Walls come down
And as I look in your eyes
My pain begins to dull
Recalling all of the times

I have died.
And will die.
It's all right.
I don't mind.

Ugh, nobody loves a negative person. I'm so negative I have a static charge -_-
bedbugs suck.

In other news I'm lonely and repressed. Should I stick my hand back in the fire and try to get another human being to look me in the eyes and say "I love you," and mean it. Women are such horrifying creatures. Why am I always so eager to put my heart in their claws?

Seriously. Guys are always clamoring about needing to get laid. I must be one backwards guy. Sex is the most forgettable part about women to me. Something about holding hands and feeling that electric sensation, like a circuit getting completed. Or maybe cuddling on the couch, Just someone who can make me believe there's something special left in this dead husk. Does that make me strange? That I'd happily go months into a relationship with no sex if it meant I got free hugs?

Buuuuuutt, you know what they've said. Not worth it. Yeah I'm a slice of H.A.M. All great, worth-it guys are, inside at least. Yet it seems as though fate would have all females hate me. Like seriously hate me. The ones I date, I mean. I have a sickeningly sweet charm and my embrace has known no unsatisfied customer. Seems I just have to close my mouth sometimes I guess.

And keep it shut. I guess I assume the healer role. Girls love me because I have the gift, I heal their hearts. Of course they wake up one day to discover I have my own demons and they are quite ugly. Then they pass, like a phase, usually with disgust.

Hmmm, otherwise I'm still alive. Fucking maddeningly bored and a trifle lonely. Maybe I should sit around and learn to love myself. I need to revamp. I carved a niche with the "Really sensitive, nice, geek kid whose hung like a horse" personality, and kept them interested with the unexpected dark, wounded side.. But ultimately I'm always the broke, unemployed car-less younger guy (my ex's average at least three years older than me), and when the fighting starts, so does the second guessing.

I believed them all, you know. That's why I write the emotional vomit diary entries. It always blows my mind when I find out you nuts read all this shit. For fucks sake, read the songs instead!

And women are fickle, vengeful, and, it gives me no pleasure to say it, very often disloyal. I feel like a cell phone. I'm outdated, upgrade you model and throw me in the trash. You'd be surprised it's rarely personal. The girls act like it's so, but it's just mostly "I found a universally better fuck. You, you're outta here!" hey, it's natural. Fucked up, but natural.
So why do I need one so bad?

Because you're the only apes whose bannanas I'll eat. My best friends, my own family, I don't believe any of those bloodthirsty thieves. When a girl says she loves me, my pale, soft, average featured, neurotic and damaged self, surely she means it. Look at all the mess she got past. I'll believe her.

"You can't do anything right, Darran. You're worthless!"
Yup, still taking your word for it, sugar.

*sigh* thanks for reading.

And no mort, I won't find true love at B's D. That I'm sure of.

I hope my mom dies a slow and painful death. Maybe anthrax infection. Or intestinal cancer.

Mmm, more painful allegory...

Trudging slowly over wet sand
Back to the bench where your clothes were stolen
This is the sea-side town
That they forgot to blow down

Come, Armageddon
Come, Armageddon, come

Every day's like Sunday
Every day is silent and grey
Every day's like Sunday

Hide on the promenade- etch a postcard
How I dearly wish I was not here
In the sea-side town
That they forgot to bomb

Come on, nuclear war

Every day's like Sunday
Every day is silent and grey

Trudging back over pebbles and sand
When a strange dust falls on your hands
And your face... And your face

Every day's like Sunday
Have some greased tea with me
Every day is silent and grey

Ok. Ok. I see how it is. I give up. I can run, but I'll only die tired.

I'm very tired. The only people who care about me use me or only pity me. I'm so tired people are afraid when they look at me.
People look at me like I'm a black hole, and if they acknowledge me, they'll get sucked in. I don't want to die and I don't want to live. Every kind word I've said to you all I have meant. It doesn't change that it was still at it's core a desperate cry for attention.

There is no God. If there is, he doesn't love me. I'm so unlucky, so fucked sideways, so weary, if there's a god, he hates me. In fact I can find no earthly explanation for any of this. I have nowhere to turn. I'm dying. I can feel it. No, I'm not suicidal. It's just every day that passes I feel less alive. I get sick easy now, I get exhausted fast. Every muscle aches every minute I'm awake. My nights contain not much more than crying myself to sleep, having nightmares all night, then waking up haggard to do it again.

And they all look at me like "You ungrateful fuck." their eyes say "Its easy, you pussy. Grow up!"

I'm expendable. Totally so. I'm worthless. Everything is conditional. If I can't meet your conditions, you leave. You all do.

I'm too tired to cry. I'm too tired to hate you all. I just want to rest. I can't do this anymore.

Do you ever feel expendable? Like a catalyst? Like someone elses way out? Like people use you when they're weak, and sing your praises, till the day you fall. Then you're a liability, a pain, a problem. Suddenly life is better without you.

Don't you ever see them later? See them smiling and loving and living? Do you feel that loss when they kiss their new ones, walk with their new packs, knowing you'll always remember and you'll maybe never cross their mind again?

I'm so dessicated, broken, emaciated, drained. But fuck you all, I'll keep giving, because that's what defines me.
Someone, somewhere, will think my love is worth returning, that my loyalty is peerless and honorable. I've never left any of you. Never.

This is dedicated to all my ET friends. Hang in there girls!

Chewed the bone down too low
Got fed on tea and sympathy
Blew the sail like the wind
I wish you were my enemy
I was humble for you

What a fool I've been to have
Laid so low for so long
Into that void of silence
Where we cry without sound
Where tears roll down

And where your mother's violence
Sent your soul underground
Where tears roll down

Drew the blade way too slow
Was shackled by your honesty
Made a mess, I guess I should have known
That life was lust and liberty

Not a chance mutation or the last temptation
Laid so low for so long, so low
Into that void of silence
Where we cry without sound
Where tears roll down

And where your mother's violence
Sent your soul underground
Where tears roll down

I'm the man in the box
Buried in my pit
Won't you come and save me?

Save my eyes!
Can you sow them shut?
Jesus Christ!
Deny your maker
All his trials
Will be wasted
I'll believe my eyes
Now you sow them Shut

I'm the dog who gets beat
Shove my nose in shit!
Won't you come and save me?
Save me?

Save my eyes!
Can you sow them shut?
Jesus Christ!
Deny your maker
All his trials
Will be wasted
I'll believe my eyes
Now you sow them Shut

Yay! I has roof and bed and shower and food! Wooooooot!