I've been horribly busy, and completely out of touch with my rp muse. On top of that I've promised myself to get back to writing. As such, I must apoligise to my rp friends and, for a while, withdraw from roleplay. I feel that's sort of a dick move, and very out of character for an rp addict like me. But I'm in a big process of change and can't stay active on here for a while
I'm so angry I could throw up. This is the same waste it's always been. Just another piece of meet dangled on a string over a starving dog. Just another broken promise. I don't know what makes me fall for this everytime. I want so badly to believe there's hope, that it will be different this time. Maybe this time all the hardship isn't in vain and I can sleep at night with something to show for it. But it's still just the ghost of everything. It all died a long time ago. I'm just settling for crumbs and when the plate's empty I come to the realization that nothing of value will ever be served.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. My life, I know a very, very long time ago, was reduced to the point of getting out of bed is insane. Interracting with other people is insane. Loving people is insane. Valuing events, or looking forward to them is insane. For seventeen years I have tried not to be alone, and sometimes I dance withthe ghost for a day or two, thinking it could be real. But it's not. It never will be.
When I was 8 I wanted to die. I didn't because I thought if I stayed alive, I might live to be like 75. So I had 63 years to wait it out, and maybe I'd get happy along the way. Seventeen years later I feel exactly the same. Even for all the things I've been through, I've never been happy. I've never been not disappointed, or afraid, or nervous or ashamed. I have nothing to show for it except that I'm older and even less hopeful than before. Even if I don't screw up, which isn't often, fate itself will snatch whatever I'm working towards away from me. If I count on anyone or anyTHING, they will let me down or I will lose them. A lot of the time I never had them. I just hoped so fucking hard I believed maybe I did. in the end I'm so jaded and burnt out I don't think I even can feel happy, or would know it if I felt it.
Look at how pitiful even this is. I hate this diary. Even this site makes me miserable. I don't talk to a single person on here that I used to. Everyone on my friends list is just a new aquantance. None of these would care if I was unhappy. I wouldn't expect them to. They don't know me. They don't owe me anything. The ones who've known me for a while should just shake their heads and ignore this. They've heard it before and there's nothing they can do. This is just the only place where anyone would even pity a baleful howl like this. I'm in south Florida. I'm surrounded by boys in a halfway house, bunch of yankie fuckups, throwaway white kids who wish they were black.
I hate how fragile my illusions are. It takes nothing to smash the illusion that I'm a total failure beyond recall. I lost the last of my ambition four years ago. Now it's astruggle just to want to survive, let alone do surviving. There doesn't seem to be any point.
No I'm not going to kill myself. I never will. But wish I were dead? Yeah, the thought is pretty frequent. I swear everyone I care about suffers too. I have like this malignant, terminal, contagious spirit-cancer and I can't find a cure. I'm miserable and anyone who comes near me is miserable. Things always seem to get better for them when they leave me. I don't begrudge them it anymore. It's not like I have anything to offer.
A groan... Of tedium escapes me
Startling and fearful
Is this a test?
It hast to be... Otherwise I can't go on
Draining patience
Drained vitality
This paranoid, paralyzed
Vampire act is getting old
But I'm still right here
Giving blood, keeping faith
I'm still right here
Giving blood, keeping faith
I'm still right here.
Gonna wait it out
Gonna wait it out
Be Patient
Wait it out
And if there was no reward to heal
No loving embrace to see me through
This Tedious Path I've chosen here
I certainly would have walked away
By now
Gonna wait it out
Gonna wait it out
And if there was no desire to heal
The damaged and broken met along
This Tedious Path I've chosen here
I certainly would have walked away
By now
And I still may
*Sigh*
I still may
Be Patient
Be Patient
Be Patient
I must keep reminding myself of this
I must keep reminding myself of this
I must defend my name, myself in this
I Must Keep Reminding Myself of This
And if there was no reward to heal
No loving embrace to see me through
This Tedious Path I've chosen here
I certainly would have walked away
By now
And I
Still may-- And I
Still may--And I
Still may--and I... I'm
Gonna wait it out
Gonna wait it out...
Gonna wait it out
Wait it out...
^-^
( ' >')
<(___)>
^ ^
WHOOO!!
I stole [Flisky]'s owl! BWAHAHA
"You're not supposed to step on the tracks," Joe tells me.
"I'm not supposed to do a lot of things apparently," I say back.
I'm walking along these dead, heavily sealed and laquered planks of wood, beaten by so many years they still splinter. Everything under my feet is choked with cheap, off-white gravel and dust. Weeds stand like sentries along black iron rails, leading straight ahead through a gaping hole in the wall of pines.
Everything I feel is a premonition, a constant nagging sensation that a train's coming, and that the last thing I'll see is the white headlight bearing down on my face, even though I know that won't happen, even if I curl up on the tracks and go to sleep.
The other aggrovating sensation I have is that I'm looking for something, and I don't know what it is. That alone should tell me something is off here, but it doesn't. It only compounds the fear. I've forgotten something important, I think, and that compounds my fear of the train, and of the constant darkness around me.
The piercing, radiant moon
The storming of Poor June
All the life running
Through her hair
Aproaching guiding light
Our shallow years in fright
Dreams are made winding
Through my head
Through my head
Before you know
I'm awake
Your lives are open wide
The reasons give them sight
All the life running
Through her hair
The Spiders all in tune
The evening of the moon
Dreams are made winding
Through my head
Through my head,
Before you know
Awake!
Through my head...Through my head
Before
You know I will be waiting all awake...
Theyre trying to build a Prison
Following the Rights Movement
You clamp down with your iron fist
Drugs become conveniantly available for all the kids
Following the Rights Movement
You clamp down with your iron fist
Drugs become conveniantly available for all the kids!
"Well I buy my crack
I smack my bitch
Right here in Hollywood!"
Nearlly two million Americans are incarcerated
In the Prison System
In the Prison System of the U.S.
They're trying to Build a Prison!
They're trying to Build a Prison!
They're trying to Build a Prison!
For you and me to live in!
Another Prison System
Another Prison System
Another Prison System
Minor drug offenders fill you prisons
You don't even flinch
All our taxes paying for your war against the new non-rich
Minor drug offenders fill you prisons
You don't even flinch
All our taxes paying for your war against the new non-rich
"I buy my crack
I smack my bitch
Right here in Hollywood!"
The percentage of Americans in the Prison System
The Prison System
Has doubled since 1985
They're trying to Build a Prison!
They're trying to Build a Prison!
They're trying to Build a Prison!
For you and me to live in!
Another Prison System
Another Prison System
Another Prison System!
For you and me
They're trying to build a Prison for you and me
Oh baby, you and me...
AH!
All Research and successful Drug Policy SHOWS
That treatment should be increased
and Law Enforcement DECREASED
While abolishing mandatory. minimum. sentances!
All Research and successful Drug Policy SHOWS
That treatment should be increased
and Law Enforcement DECREASED
While abolishing mandatory. minimum. sentances!
Utilizing drugs to pay for secret wars around the world
Drugs are now your Global Policy
Now you police the Globe!
"Well I buy my crack
I smack my bitch
Right here in Hollywood!"
Drug money is used to rig elections and train brutal, corporate-spon
They're trying to Build a Prison!
They're trying to Build a Prison!
They're trying to Build a Prison!
For you and me to live in
Another Prison System
Another Prison System
Another Prison System!
For you and me!
AH!
They're trying to Build a Prison for you and me...
Oh baby, you and me.
Ugh, think my roleplay writer's block is gone! So if you have a roleplay in need of descriptive, master posting, I'm very versatile, so please invite me!
Push back the square
Now that you need her
But you don't
So there you go
Cuz back in School
We are the Leaders
Of it all
So
Transpose! Or stop your life
It's what you do
Transpose! Or stop your life
So Run!
So why don't you run? Why don't you run
Back to School
All you are
See I'm on the next page
All you are
So it's time to put the Book up
All you are
Yeah I'm on the next page
All you are
Hey who's the bookworm now!
Push back the square
Now that you kneed her
In the throat
Now there you go
Cuz back in School
We are the Leaders
Of it all
So why don't you run?
Of the moment quiz time!
TV Show of the moment: Through the Wormhole with Morgan Freeman
Activity of the moment: Volunteer work/ D&D
ET Member of the moment: [Aeolynn]
Food of the moment: DiGiorno stuffed crust pizza
Object of the moment: Dragonsluggie plushie
Misery of the moment: No Xbox
Quote of the moment: "So fell Lord Perth, and the ground did shake with that thunder."
Character of the moment: Leon Thunder
Movie of the moment: Memento
Song of the moment: "No More Tears" by Ozzy Osbourne
Bonus lyric of the moment:
"Cant understand the day you left
Mentioned something 'bout it being for the best
And I can't say I disagree
But it's killing me
Now I'm standing facing west
Tracing my finger 'round your sillhouette
I haven't gotten used to it
But it's the brightest thing I got
When I'm covered in rain."
Found this while moving boxes. The lyrics to a song I wrote from my old band.
With willing eyes/ and rotting brain
I crawl to grasp your love
Out from beneath those you hold high
In truly spiteful retort/ and high refrain
I slide to taste your love
Out from under your lowest lies
There you go, on and on, and I stay here
Comparing the lie of your beauty to those I draw near...
But this I implore you
Be precious to me...
And listen to me well
If I shouldn't love you... If I should hate you
Then I might go.
With sinful voice I decry your pain
All crushed up worries inside my brain
You let it out and it draws near
Slavering jaws drip spit like tears
You could've stayed mine,
But I'm alone here to pray!
You should've stayed inside
But you went walking away!
Now I'm left alone to face my fears
Snapping teeth at any beauty that draw near
But this I implore you
Be Precious to me...
And listen to me well
If I shouldn't love you... If I should hate you
Then I might go
INSANE!!!
"Precious"
by The Thoughtful Thinking
Across the floor in the hand of where we drove the drill
A cautious ear to the mouth of your confession
Think of all the things we put him through
In the face of his god would he tell the truth?
Still recorded were the words that dribbled out his kiss
When eyes go blind in this man of what could once become-
Sever the limbs of his torso in sleep
And burn what remains so the world may now see no longer
Will we wait for your answers
Now back to the hell where you've come from
Think of all the times you once had
Write them in a letter that says goodbye
And I! Goodbye!
You'll listen to reason while you're face down in the dirt
You'll stomach the hurt, and break for him here just how much he's worth
Slowly discarded were the remains of his lonely youth
Among the alley where the dwellers scared to notice
Picture a young boy in pieces and streets with leveled malfunctions
No name to be called redeemer
We'll fix him restore him!
With the love if no other
Think of all the things you did before
Write them in a letter that says reborn
Reborn!
You'll listen to reason while you're face down in the dirt
You'll stomach the hurt, and break for him here just how much he's worth
Following you across the interstate walking away
I'll fire on!
On the wrong way out
On the causeway to Neverwhere
Dear my friends in the time we've spent
Forever and after beyond this, when will our nightmare ever end?
Dear my friends in the time we've spent
Forever and after beyond this, when will our nightmare ever end?
Pull the trigger and the nightmare stops
Pull the trigger and the nightmare stops
Forever you will, forever you will learn
Pull the trigger and the nightmare stops
Pull the trigger and the nightmare stops
Forever you will, forever you will learnMissing: </i>Missing: </b>
Behold, I didn't say watch, damn you
Curse your eyes with black pools of smoke
Hide in your armchair in dim corners of darkened rooms
Splayed out like you're fucking the shadows
A lit cigarette cherry like a third eye scanning
Across acid pitted mahagony tables, landmines across the loud wood floor
My buckled boots announced me from down the hall
Sure, I killed you in the basement, but above ground you haunt me now
Words don't do justice to the hate translated by two pale blue orbs
Reflected glass floating in the sea of pepper,
That fucking color that's neither black nor grey
Would that I could cut you like I did before
But there's not courage for that
I could, you know?
If even your name was the herald of soulful violence
Mine is still seppukku, my belly open wide
Fuck you, I said behold! Fear my thunderstorm
I can see your hands aren't around my chair arms,
They're around my throat
I'd sit if you left any chairs, but you prefer my legs worldweary
My broken blade is still sharp, I swear it
It's better half will remain in me to remind me of this
The other place I'd rather not go--the house on the hill
With a basement of crumbled glass and dust
Still, with a smile, I see the first bit of rain punch through the rotted cieling
A droplet upon your face...
Dual HARAKIRI: Vol. 3
By Darran Kern
Pretty soon, I don't know when, but Something is going to Happen...
Time can kill the greatest of men
Even the strongest
Find themselves on the floor
It doesn't have to be this way
Time keeps moving on and on
Fragile time
Can not waste again
Fragile time
Can't be laid to rest
Fragile time
Can lead you to the grave, or
Fragile time
Can start eternity
It kills their walk
I watch them wash away
It kills their walk
I watch them wash away
And It kills their walk!
I watch them wash away!
It kills their walk
I watch them wash away
It's all worth while
As Time goes on
It's all worth while
As Time goes on
It's all worth while
As Time goes on, and on, and on...
Well, sorry for the false advertising on chapter 3. That stuff is in chapter 4, I forgot the huge flashback goin on in chapter 3 was too long to include the stuff I guarantee is in chapter four.
Also, I have about five or six active friends on et. I would like to have five or six watchers on the chapters. I know some of you could give a fuck about DragonBallZ, but this is the first completed novel, fanfiction or otherwise, that i have ever written. Even if you don't care for the subject matter, what I'm looking for, is your artistic input.
That's right, I'm not looking for praise, or little "Cool!" comments. I want criticism on the story. I want you to comment and lambast what doesn't work and laud what does. I want comments to appear under these chapters. I want DBZ fans to comment on what I change and fellow writers to remark on my writing style and the flow of the story!
Plus, I need a proofreader. Chapter three got revised at like 3:00 in the morning and it has ugly typoes I can't really mess with on my phone, so volunteers to proofread, um, I'll think of a little bonus to give.
For instance, I am currently writing the second novel of DragonBall Turbo, called Enter the Slave Master which is a fully original storyline. It has seven major villains in it, and I've been thinking of auditioning two of the villain spots to other DBZ fanfiction writers. What this means is if you give me a character concept profile, I may just write him/her into the story. Keep in mind there's a fair chance of that char becoming a reaccurring character if they're any good! The funny thing is, the titular character of Enter the Slave Master was just a loose concept sone idiot in rehab gave me when he saw me writing Cell Games Finale and I just took it, based the Slave Master around his personality, and started writing. It's been fun so far!
So, my friends, support and share DBT: Cell Games Finale, please!!!!??? It's very important to me!
Chapter 2 is finally fully posted on DBT: Cell Games Finale! Chapter threw is going up tonight! Expect a longer chapter with tons of action! Vegeta, Trunks, Piccolo, and Hercule are all in the thick of it tonight!!!
WARNING: the following diary contains many, many uses of the word "fuck" and a consistant, unshakable hatred of Apple products. Enjoy!
Fuuuuuuuck! FUCK YOU APPLE! Your operating systems are fucking BULLSHIT!
Do any of you know how fucking FUCK much it blows to use Elftown on an iPhone? It fucking SSsSSSSsssUCKS
obviously they designed this glitchtastic, industry sub-par piece of trash just to surf fucking YouTube and do nothing else!
Do not even think I'm being ungrateful. This thing beats my 6 year old LG flipphone by the circumference of the fucking earth but COME ON!
Oh, by the way I pressed 17 buttons to make the eight character phrase "COME ON!" appear on this fucker. When did we invent the fucking shift key? 1712?????
It is im-fucking-pos
That's fucking right. If I were at that point to start typing "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..." one of two things would happen. Either I hit "submit changes" and none of that shit appears, or I get
"It was the bxhodigsgodcjZ
fuck YOU Apple. Did you think on your fucking touch screen you could make the fucking thing distinguish between an edit box and the entire web page? Was that fucking impossible? Or to make this thing with enough ram to fucking handle fucking typing?
At this point in my rant, I had a "worst of times" glitch event, where I was forced to select-copy my rant, refresh the page, hit paste, and re-proceed to restrain myself from wishing steve jobs was burning in hell right now. And thank you, auto-correct, but I meant hell, not he'll.
Also, it is, so far as I know, impossible to delete ANYTHING off this phone. Movies, songs, broken-hopeles
FUCK YOU, APPLE!
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to return to my two-hour and counting quest to see if I can continue posting Chapter 2 of DragonBall Turbo.
... Fucking shitPhone.
Of the moment quiz list! Feel free to post in your diary so I can learn about you!
Game of the moment: SmackDown! Here Comes the Pain
Anime of the moment: DragonBall-Z
Show of the moment: Justified
Song of the moment: "Orion" by Metallica
Shoes of the moment: Nike Air Force 1
Weather of the moment: Rain
Book of the moment: A Clash of Kings by George R.R. Martin
YouTube video of the moment: "Halloween is Grinch Night"
Quote of the moment: "What! You need to talk to Mr. Deez!"
Activity of the moment: Pokemon Roleplay
Crush of the moment: Echo!!!
Inspiration of the moment: TheAmazingAthe
Bonus: lyric of the moment:
"...I'm standing on top of my Monopoly board
That means I'm on top of my game, and It won't stop
Till my hip don't hop anymore!
And you can't stand cuz it ain't cool to be cocky anymore!
And you spit when these fools can't dribble a drop anymore!"
For Echo!
From my heart and from my hand
Why don't people understand
My intentions?
Weird Science!
Plastic tubes & pots and pans
Bits and pieces and
Magic from the hand
We'll make it!
Weird Science!
Things I've never seen before
Behind bolted doors
Talent and imagination
Weird Science!
Not what teacher said to do
Living tissue,
warm flesh
Weird Science!
Plastic tubes & pots and pans
Bits & pieces and
Bits & pieces and
My Creation!
Is it real?
My Creation! It's my Creation!
Oooh, Weird Science!
Magic and technology
Voodoo dolls and chants
Electricity
We'll make it!
Weird Science!
Fantasy and microchips
Shootin' from the hip
Something different
We'll make it!
Weird Science!
Pictures from a magazine
Diagrams and charts
Mending broken hearts
We'll make it!
My Creation!
Is it real?
It's my Creation!
I do not know
Some hesitation
And a heart of gold
It's flesh and blood!
I do not know. I do not know!
From my heart and from my hand
Why don't people understand
My intentions?
Ooh Weird!
It's alive!
Weird!
Magic and technology
Behind bolted doors
Not what teacher said to do
Living tissue, we'll make it!
It's my Creation!
Is it real?
It's my Creation!
I do not know
Some hesitation
And a heart of gold
It's flesh and blood!
I do not know. I do not know!
Oooh, Weird Science!
Wisdom is outside, calling in the streets
She shouts in the town square, at the city limits,
Right here and now she says
"How long, you idiots? How long do you love stupidity?
The haters loving only their hating
And fools all hating the knowledge?
Step down when I say 'step off' See,
I'm holding nothing back here
I'm telling you right now!
Cause I called you out and you shook your head
I held out my hand and you wouldn't even look at it
But you won't heed my warnings, hear my truth
You wouldn't even listen when I dismissed you
I'll laugh then, when it comes down on you
I'll tell you 'I told you so' when you finally feel that fear
When your fear breaks your will, and your life
And this pain's on you like a tornado
When you're scared and the hurt is straight fucking you
Then you call me, but I'm not answering you by then
You'll even call early to try to get me and you won't find me
Because you hated the truth, and you wouldn't fear your Master
You wouldn't take my warning, you hated all of my answers."
Then, you all gonna get what's coming to you
You'll take everything you gave out
This was easy. you shoulda listened. Now you're dead.
The just desserts of fools is yours to eat, and it will end you.
Still, those who have the time to give a listen, listen now
And the Master can still keep you safe
And the knowledge will keep your thoughts free.
Proverbs: Chapter 1, Verse 20-33. "Hey yo bitch" translation.
a weird little song I relate to, and no, it's not about you.
Rocked, silent, in a soft lullaby
Panic stirred me awake
By a ringing phone in time
Where and when... Would I see her?
Crazy were the words
That scribbled out your mouth
I stuttered placing
Your face to those words
Where and when... Would I kill her?
I'll wish on this, I'll wish with this
I... I will wish
At the bitter end of my day, well, where were you?
But you had your turn, and you made it work
Now I'm the laughingstock of your joke
As crazy as it may seem, I cried for you when you
Told me to date all of the things
That made you end up in my life
And I'll believe anything... I have no luck with girls.
I overheard--Tha
Misleading trust--Into a relationship that makes no sense
Over and out, Connecticut!
But you had your back turned
There as you faded away, at the end of my day
I found out: You weren't worth what I thought of you!
Write this down in your diary you abuse
Can I make plans? Can I just get through to you?
Is this weird? Do I scare her?!
I'll wish on this, I'll wish with this
I, I will wish
That you could share the love you shared with others
With me... Me
But you had your turn, and you made it work
Now I'm the laughingstock of your joke
As crazy as it may seem, I cried for you when you
Told me to date all of the things
That made you end up in my life
And I'll believe anything... I have no luck with girls.
I overheard--Tha
Misleading trust--Into a relationship that makes no sense
Over and out, Connecticut!
But you had your back turned
There as you faded away, at the end of my day
I found out: You weren't worth what I thought of you!
Aha! Aha! What I thought of you?
So this isn't love!
So forever let it go! Forever let it burn
Here on the Backend of Forever, I wish I would never hurt again
What I thought of you?
I wish I would never hurt again