[Sideways]'s diary
You believed in me
You conceived of moments I would not see
So what have I done?
To be son to an Angel
What have I done?
Broken, and opened,
What have I done
To be worthy?
Daylight dims leaving only cold flourescene
Difficult to see you in this light
Please forgive this selfish question:
But what am I supposed to tell these ghouls tonight?
She never told a lie?
Maybe told a lie,
But never lived one.
So it's all right now
It's time for us all to let you go
This is what I want as the epitaph on my tombstone. If I ever generate the sort of quote people make posters of, with my ugly face looking stoic in black and white, it would read:
Stop. Fucking. Lying."
And thought the "fucking" part may seem crass, the world can be such a sickly thing, and falsehoods such a cancer, that the disgust and revulsion articulated by a "fucking" is entirely appropriate, and deserves no censor.
Sometimes I'm sick of people. There is only four people I trust in this world. And I hate trusting people. Some of the people I've trusted in the past are just people I don't know anymore. But most people I've ever trusted have stabbed me right in the fucking heart. So I stay away from people, and keep my world vanishingly small. It's lonely but it's traitor free. Just sucks that that's the choice I've had to make, because most people I've ever met are vain, selfish, greedy, egotistical fucks. And I hate them. I don't obsess about it. Not like I did when I was young.
It's a very odd feeling, to realize you have gone a whole day without speaking aloud, or talking to anyone. You think
Why don't I have more friends?
and then you remember
Because people are fucking scum.
It's not really healthy to think about people like Daniel Plainview does, or Rorshach.
But really, I don't know how I can ever develop a tolerance for all these... "people."
Written about Thursday 2017-07-20
Written: (2482 days ago)
See You, Space Cowboy...
Everybody remembers that one. Everybody likes it. It's bittersweet way to send off a bebop. But nobody rememberes the real ending. Which is the real way it went, the real fate of those who sing the blues.
YOU'RE GONNA CARRY THAT WEIGHT
Written about Sunday 2017-07-09
Written: (2493 days ago)
"Wretched," said the man staring at his own reflection.
This is the nightmare that keeps every man awake at night
Orange and black, take me back to Halloween
I've given to the blind, you can see
Gasoline runs thru my veins
So don't you mess with me
I couldn't tame that beast with a handful of meat!
Just wait till my robe falls at my feet
Cold and dilated like my memories
Strange voices in my head
Who could they be?
It's the master of disguise, and he's breaking me
You will find spirits never rise
Without warning
Feel your fate, as you come alive
They're here to take you home
Crashing through the walls
You're the one I want to see!
Bent all up on a moon-soaked night
Death is riding with me
Dripping blood with hell froze at my feet
Use a razor blade to cut some lines
And now I'm going to speed!
You will find spirits never rise
Without warning
Feel your fate as you come alive
They're here to take you on
We carried on unnoticed, thinking that
All dreams were ours for the taking.
And out of that we found ourselves
Back at the start of it all,
So scarred and incomplete!
Only; now I've come to this moment in my life
Fitting pieces to a puzzle, with no regrets...
But if I had just one chance left?
I'd hold on to it close,
With what little confidence I have! And
Make no mistake,
As your life's surely about to change for the better
Now on your mark, get set, clock starts to count...
Cuz Higen, everything's about to go down!
So sleep tight, sweet Hitome
Cuz when your daddy goes off, just you know:
That you're the weight of his anchor!
The love that is guiding him home!
The love that's guiding him home.
Oh, I've had my share of leaving this retreat, but never did it once
Feel anything like you, you see?
And if there's one good thing that comes from my ways,
It's that you won't be anything like me!
And so better for it, you will be!
So sleep tight, sweet Hitome!
Cuz when your daddy goes off, just you know;
That you're the weight of his anchor!
The love that is guiding him home!
The love that's guiding him home!
The love that's guiding him home!
There's no running away from what's been done here.
Will you sink with the ship?
Or will you burn it down?
Now give us the man that you've been hiding!
Cuz this is is it!
This is your life now!
This is your life now.
Last night I saw that Beauty Queen
Watched her paint her face on
I wanna be that magazine
That she bases life on...
I wanna waste her monthly blood,
Wanna get some on my love
Wanna get some Gasoline
And burn her house down!
She’s got nothing to say,
She’s got bills to pay,
She’s got no one to hate
Except for me...
Last night I saw that Beauty Queen
She's getting high on Revlon.
I wanna be that magazine
That she wastes her life on
Wanna waste her monthly blood,
Wanna get some on my love
Wanna get some Gasoline
And burn her house down!
She’s got nothing to say
She’s got bills to pay
She’s got no one to hate
Except for me...
ME.
Last night, I saw that Beauty Queen
Watched her paint her face on
I wanna be the one, unclean
That she wipes her ass on
Wanna waste her monthly blood,
Wanna get some on my love
Wanna get some Gasoline
And burn her house down!
She’s got nothing to say,
She’s got bills to pay,
She’s got no one to hate
Except for me.
She's got nothing but shame
She takes pills for pain
She's got no one to blame
Except for me
For me.
https://www.yo
For Rc, a batman song
<https://www.yo
When you've gone about things all wrong, Bury them here
With a lifetime you would never regret.
In savoring sleep, what do you mean?
I toss and turn everywhere?
I'll miss you when you're gone, With pretending that
you weren't the world to me...
With that you'd call me a liar,
And in making mistakes, you'll rest incomplete
~I will be home~
In graver mistakes,
Dear mom and dad, I'll write you
In this letter that states
"I'll be moving on..."
When the new day's begun
Forget your son when he's out on his own...
When the hand reads 7:30 and your night begins to sink
In a short, but faster fall
In your anxious but calm retort
To a mirror that frames your face, baring the finest tell..
When the day begins to break, like the tears that run across your cheek!
Stand straight and imagine you then...
In the things and the way they could have been!
When the thoughts, they race across your brain
Here in the Never-end
~I'll be home~
In graver mistakes, dear mom and dad,
I'll write you in this letter that states
"I'll be moving on."
When the new day's begun,
Forget your son, when he's out on his own
Now that you've cried yourself to sleep
Point your gun in another direction!
Now that you've cried yourself to sleep, here buried there,
After the fall!
~Further along now~
When he's found figuring, "will he be home again?"
~Signal loss and stereo~
With wide open windows, will she be waiting for me?
~The sound surrounds like novocaine~
With severance complacence when the day's dark, cold and dead!
~This dead man is waiting for you~
We'll write her a letter, in the long time passing by!
~I'll be home~
In graver mistakes, dear mom and dad,
I'll write you in this letter that states
"I'll be moving on."
When the new day's begun,
Atone for this son, when he's out on his own
Now that you've cried yourself to sleep
Point your gun in another direction!
Now that you've cried yourself to sleep, here buried there,
After the fall!
After it ALL, Now I swear!
I'll be moving on!
You keep your riches and
I'll sew my stitches,
You can't make me
think like humankind!
I've got a message for
all those who think that They
can etch words inside my brain!
My brain...
TV, what do I need?!
Tell me who to believe!
What's the use of autonomy
When a button does
it all...
When this lil button does it all?
So listen up,
Glisten up closely all
Who've seen this fucking eye-ache, too.
It's time to step away
From the cable train
And when we finally see the subtle light,
This quirk in evolution will begin
To let us live and recreate!
To create, again....
TV, what do I need?
Tell me who to believe!
What's the use of autonomy,
When a button does it all?
TV, what do I see?
Tell me, who should I be?
Lets do our mom a favor
and drop our new god off a wall....
I've gotta rid myself of this Idiot Box!
Let me see past the feathers and flocks,
Help me plant a bomb in this Idiot Box!
From the depths of the sea,
To the tops of the trees
To the seat
of a Lazy Boy,
Staring at the silver screen;
TV, what do I need?
Tell me who to believe!
What's the use of autonomy,
When a button does it all?
TV, what do I see?
Tell me, who should I be?
Lets do our mom a favor
and drop our new god off a wall....
MERRY CHRISTMAS
https://www.yo
A universe to fill
Can't scratch the surface, now
A slow pay
still,
while everyone's watching
It's like I'm real tired of the clones...
I'm real tired of the clones.
Whatever you say!
Bring me a light
Make my life worth something more
Show me a light!
Bring a light!
Where's the space I fill?
Where's the sympathy I kill?
I need to find a meaning
I'm useless!
Trapped inside my own web
Whatever you you say!
Bring me a light
Make my life worth something more
Show me a light!
Bring a light!
When I'm alone
I stare at nothingness
It's a painful silence
And painful silence kills
Whatever you say!
Bring me a light
Make my life worth something more
Show me a light!
Bring a light!
The thing about hapiness is...
You only really know you had it when it's gone.
You may think to yourself that you're happy but, uh...
You don't really believe it.
You focus on the petty bullshit. The next job, or whatever.
It's only by looking by looking back,
By comparison with what comes after,
That you really understand:
That's what happiness felt like.
Sometimes this is the hardest thing. That I'm so sorry for everything, and those I'm sorry for hurting don't need me to be. They've moved on, and I haven't.
For Rc
https://www.yo
I hate
everything I am becoming
This change is torture!
There is never enough to give
Only plenty to take,
and this I wage--
When the ground parts from below
Will it feel so?
How can I gain from another, when the other goes?
This hand,
This hurt,
My heart
I'll flirt with disaster,
Just know now, man
The deal is off!
I'll be no good,
This time defines!
I'll put my touch
Around the grip of this knife
These dirty hands just
Won't come clean!
I'm a Murderer
The worst these worlds will see.
Mercy!
Please leave her just a little bit longer
She's all my world!
My love, I apologize!
With that you will see the end of days,
Just rest assured.
And they won't let her go! And I remain so
Alone, to work out a clever
Way to get her home
I will
Do what
I must
I'll flirt with disaster,
Just know now, boy
You're out of luck!
I'll be no good,
This time defines!
I'll put my touch around the grip of this knife
These dirty hands just
Won't come clean!
I'm a Murderer
The worst these worlds will see
Oh, save me from defeat again!
This is war...
Murder the one so close!
While she trusts, you curse
"DIE my darling!"
Just how lovely you glow
In the Flame of error
Oh, I ask too much
Please turn back the clock,
And take me instead!!
How have you come to lose
The only thing,
The other 1 to your 2?
the wrong
in everyone's dream!
Please burn me, oh God!
I'll be no good,
This time defines!
I'll put my touch around the grip of this knife
These dirty hands just
Won't come clean!
I'm a Murderer
The worst these worlds will see.
Oh, save me from defeat again!
This is war..
Murder the one so close!
While she trusts, you curse
"DIE, my darling!"
I'll be no good,
This time defines!
I'll put my touch around the grip of this knife
These dirty hands just
Won't come clean!
I'm a Murderer
The worst these worlds will see
Oh, save me from defeat again...
https://www.yo
(for a certain friend, maybe she knows who)
Somewhere, I put it away within, huh,
yeah, I felt bad when you were lookin' around, and I am
Not worried, you gonna waste your time, and ya did
Oh, you got a long way to climb. And I say
You hafta wanna change your mind a little
So just admit, I get all of the fun
And I'm a Wildman, Wildman yeah
you see me going for a ride now
A shame, I don't wanna put up with it, nuh huh
yeah, I moved on, and you were stickin' around for what?
All
this
bull
shit
you
say
when
you're
up
set
You're sinkin' but you're certain
you're not drowning, and I
I am the man that has been pullin' you down under
I'm a Wildman, Wildman yeah
you see me goin' for a ride now
Buried?
I've been waiting for my mouth to make sense
I can make it on my own
I can't be
Buried!
I've been waiting for my mouth to make sense...
I awoke in a room that was
Occupied by those about to die
For my sleep was disturbed by
The sound of old mens' cries for help
What's this place? What the hell am I
Doing here? What's happened to me?
and I'm
Wondering what kind of state my
Mind and body's in!
"Be calm please lay back
We will help you
Rest for a while..."
And I yelled "No you don't!
I'm not going to sleep!"
I've just gotta get my body out of here!
I pushed the bottle down,
Away from my face!
But felt the needle stab, like a spear...
As my legs started shaking the
Room revolved around my clouded head
And the floors rushing up just to greet me...
Laying there on my back as the
Ceiling flies away up from me
Was I finally losing my hold on reality?
Be calm, take this pill
We will help you
Rest for while...
And I yelled "No you don't!
I'm not going to sleep!"
I've just gotta get my body out of here!
I pushed the bottle down,
Away from my face!
But felt the needle stab, like a spear...
It doesn't matter what I say...
So long as I sing with inflection
That makes you feel I'll convey...
Some inner truth, or vast reflection
But I've said nothing so far..
And I can keep it up, for as long as it takes.
And it don't matter who you are...
If I'm doing my job, then it's your resolve that breaks.
Because the Hook brings you back
I ain't tellin' you no lie.
The Hook brings you back.
On that you can rely!
There is something amiss...
I am being insincere
In fact I don't mean any of this!
Still my confession draws you near
To confuse the issue I refer
To familiar heroes from long ago.
And no matter how much Peter loved her,
What made the Pan refuse to grow?
Was that the Hook brings you back.
I ain't tellin' you no lie
The Hook brings you back!
On that you can rely...
If you're Rin Tin Tin, or Anne Boleyn
Make a desperate move or else you'll win
And then begin
To see what you're doing to me,
This MTV is not for free
It's so PC it's killing me, So desperately I sing to thee of
Love, Sure!
but also rage, and hate, and pain, and fear of self!
And I can't keep these feeling on the shelf
I've tried! Well no, in fact I lied
Could be financial suicide but I've got too much pride inside
To hide, or slide, I'll do as I'll decide!
and let it ride until I've died
And only then shall I abide by this tide
Of catchy little tunes, and hip three-minute-d
I wanna bust all your balloons, I wanna burn of all your cities to
The Ground
But I found I will not mess around!
Unless I play, then hey, I will go on all day.
And when I say I have a prayer to pray,
That's really all this was!
And when I'm feeling stuck, and need a buck
I don't rely on luck, because
The Hook brings you back!
I ain't tellin' you no lie!
The Hook!
On that you can rely!
How many days would you like to wait?
6.
War.
War never changes.
I can't confront you
I never could do
That which might hurt you,
So try and be cool
When I say
This way is a water slide that
Every day takes you further away,
Be cool.
Say it ain't so!
Your drug
Is a heartbreaker
Say it ain't so!
My love
Is a lifetaker
Dear daddy, I write you
In spite of years of silence
You've cleaned up, found Jesus
Things are good or so I hear
This bottle of Stevens
Awakens ancient feelings
Like father, stepfather
The son is drowning in the flood!
Oh yeah.
Say it ain't so!
Your drug
Is a heartbreaker
Say it ain't so!
My love
Is a lifetaker
Bears, Bald Eagles, and Beer
Colorado Rocky Mountains, September 2015