[og_ghost]'s diary

357026 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2004-09-20
Written: (7346 days ago)

So, here I am. I'm awake. It's 5 AM, and my second day without sleep. I've just finished my newest music video, which I play on the computer full screen for the first time, and I enjoy it, even though I've been working on it for so long, so there aren't really any surprises for me, especially since the clips I used came from the many, many games I play, though the clips themselves were downloaded from the internet. I'm happy with it, and the feeling I get from its completion is well worth any sleep I may have sacrificed for it. But there is school today, and if I sleep now, I'll not wake up when I need to; sleep loses this round, too.
Before I go on, allow me to clear up a few things: no, I am not nocturnal, as that requires actually sleeping during the day; no, I am no insomniac, as I am fully capable of sleeping, I simply don't; no, that doesn't affect me much, as I have been blessed with what is whimsically listed as a "crippling disease" on the application form for the SAT's: Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder, or ADHD, which allows me to operate quite happily long after a person not so fortuitously crippled has collapsed from exhaustion. It means that I can get away with not sleeping without suffering any negative consequences, with the exception of the occasional hallucination, which, by the way, aren't nearly as bad as their reputation would dress them up to be - they tend to be very artistically inspiring.
This isn't a rare scenario for me. Quite the contrary, it has progressed to the point that I actually hate sleeping; I dislike the idea of losing 8 hours of my life every single day to nothingness. I am a very creative person, so there is a lot I want to do with those 8 hours, none of which involves sleep. I also have developed a strange need for accomplishment. There's something in me that refuses to allow me to leave anything undone, as if I have something great in me that I am obliged to give to the world, and nothing is going to stop me from giving it, or that no power can keep between me and what I can - no, must - create.
But it seems as though I am a peculiar case, as there are not many people I know who do nearly as much as I do. My days are filled well past the point of overflow, and yet I continue to live them in the same vein as always. I am out of my house for 15 hours every day for the sake of school and it's associated activities. This leaves 8 hours for the rest of my life, and teenagers are advised to get 9 1/2 hours of sleep every day. But there simply are not enough hours in the day, so it matters what I do with the time that I have.
Beethoven, renowned as one of the greatest composers of all time, once rejected suicide for the sake of art. He was not content to leave this world without having had his full say. I am no different, and while I've never really contemplated suicide, I could no more live without my art than he could. Every moment of my life is lived for the sole purpose of doing what I need to do, which is anything and everything that I can. Nothing is lost, because nothing is taken for granted, every victory is savored for what it is, and nothing is left to regret (as if there would be time to regret anything anyway).
Some would say that I am unhealthy because of how little I sleep, but I would much rather live my life at the cost of health than be healthy in life at the cost of living it. Besides, time on Earth is fleeting at best, and there is precious little time to waste. But in the end, sleep is not the issue. The real question is, why are you awake?

354465 Link to this entry
Written about Friday 2004-09-17
Written: (7349 days ago)

Fighter: I like swords.
Black Mage Frustration ++

if (Black Mage Frustration >=10) Black Mage Response Chooser +=2;
if (Black Mage Frustration <10) Black Mage Response Chooser +=1;
if (Black Mage Will To Live >=3) Black Mage Response Chooser +=1;
if (Black Mage Will To Live <3) Black Mage Response Chooser +=3;
if (Black Mage Response Chooser = 2)
   Black Mage: Just... no.
if (Black Mage Response Chooser = 3)
   Black Mage: God, I hate you.
if (Black Mage Response Chooser = 4)
   Black Mage: It hurts too much.
if (Black Mage Response Chooser = 5)
   Black Mage: Kill me now.

Black Mage Frustration = 10
Black Mage Will To Live = 3
Fighter: I like swords.
Black Mage: God, I hate you.
Fighter: I like swords.
Black Mage: God, I hate you.

Black Mage Frustration = 10
Black Mage Will To Live = 2
Fighter: I like swords.
Black Mage: It hurts too much.
Fighter: I like swords.
Black Mage: It hurts too much.

Black Mage Frustration = 8
Black Mage Will To Live = 3
Fighter: I like swords.
Black Mage: Just... no.
Fighter: I like swords.
Black Mage: God, I hate you.

Black Mage Frustration = 8
Black Mage Will To Live = 2
Fighter: I like swords.
Black Mage: Kill me now.
Fighter: I like swords.
Black Mage: It hurts too much.

351613 Link to this entry
Written about Tuesday 2004-09-14
Written: (7352 days ago)

Who have I become? Who is this abominating failure I find in place of myself? And where did I go? I am being invaded by this pathetic existential existance. But I'm stronger than that. And if I am not, then I will become stronger than that. Because I cannot live in defeat. I cannot bear the spoils of victory to be lost by my own unworth. I must achieve victory, even over myself. If this 'me' means to take me down with it, then I shall destroy it. I have no need for weakness or failure. So I must overcome my own tendencies, to abolish this monster who has taken the place of me and hampers my ability to such an extent. It's really quite absurd. Why should I be held back even by me? I am something great, and nothing, not even my own faults, can stop that greatness. The most that can be done is that it may be slowed, perhaps. But I'll not allow for that. There is no time for that. There is so much left to be accomplished, so much to create, so much to share, so much to teach, so much to learn. I will persevere and I will conquer.

But I will not do this to the neglect of those that I love. Life is lost the moment love is, and to abondon love is to wish for death. Happiness is found in two places only, love and accomplishment, and in the end there is no difference. You love what you accomplish, you accomplish what you love, and the act of loving others is such a hellish pleasure it's a wonder anybody survives; I'd call that something of an accomplishment.

So you others who are held within my soul, take heart, for I will not leave you to the wolves of this forsaken land. No, I'll carry you with me to the wonders I will achieve, and you will be happy there. But while I can carry you, pick up the slack where you fall, I cannot live for you. That must be your choice. Choose life, and do not give up. Everything depends upon it.

350642 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2004-09-13
Written: (7353 days ago)

3: 0, 0, 0
4: 1, 0, 0
5: 0, 1, 0
6: 2, 0, 0|1, 1, 0
7: 0, 0, 1
8: 1, 0, 1
9: 0, 1, 1
10: 2, 0, 1|1, 1, 1
11: 0, 2, 0
12: 3, 1, 0|1, 2, 0|2, 1, 1
13:
14:
15:
16:
17:
18:
19:
20:
0, 0, 0 = 1+ 1+ 1 = 3
1, 0, 0 = 2+ 1+ 1 = 4
2, 0, 0 = 4+ 1+ 1 = 6
3, 0, 0 = 8+ 1+ 1 = 10
0, 1, 0 = 1+ 3+ 1 = 5
1, 1, 0 = 2+ 3+ 1 = 6
2, 1, 0 = 4+ 3+ 1 = 8
3, 1, 0 = 8+ 3+ 1 = 12
0, 2, 0 = 1+ 9+ 1 = 11
1, 2, 0 = 2+ 9+ 1 = 12
2, 2, 0 = 4+ 9+ 1 = 14
3, 2, 0 = 8+ 9+ 1 = 18
0, 3, 0 = 1+27+ 1 = 29
1, 3, 0 = 2+27+ 1 = 30
2, 3, 0 = 4+27+ 1 = 32
3, 3, 0 = 8+27+ 1 = 36
0, 0, 1 = 1+ 1+ 5 = 7
1, 0, 1 = 2+ 1+ 5 = 8
2, 0, 1 = 4+ 1+ 5 = 10
3, 0, 1 = 8+ 1+ 5 = 14
0, 1, 1 = 1+ 3+ 5 = 9
1, 1, 1 = 2+ 3+ 5 = 10
2, 1, 1 = 4+ 3+ 5 = 12
3, 1, 1 = 8+ 3+ 5 = 16
0, 2, 1 = 1+ 9+ 5 = 15
1, 2, 1 = 2+ 9+ 5 = 16
2, 2, 1 = 4+ 9+ 5 = 18
3, 2, 1 = 8+ 9+ 5 = 22
0, 3, 1 = 1+27+ 5 = 33
1, 3, 1 = 2+27+ 5 = 34
2, 3, 1 = 4+27+ 5 = 36
3, 3, 1 = 8+27+ 5 = 40
0, 0, 2 = 1+ 1+25 = 27

347430 Link to this entry
Written about Friday 2004-09-10
Written: (7356 days ago)

I don't see how I do all the things I do. What the hell is wrong with me? And where do I get all the time I have from? I spend 15 hours a day outside of the house, and yet I have so many side projects that I consistently update.... wtf, mate?
and this ava, amy, nohemi bit is obviously getting out of hand. i wasn't looking past the awesomeness of having two girls agree to share me to see the fact that it's not actually what either of them want. I repeat, what the hell is wrong with me?

Current List of Going-ons:
Making an animated movie
::designing characters
::creating story
::creating scenes
::drawing scenes
::drawing animations
Making a game
::designing gameplay
::designing interface
::designing mechanisms
::building mechanisms
::designing art scheme
::programming the bastard
Making a Graphics Engine
::designing the bastard
::programming the bastard
::updating the old bastard I'm using to make the new bastard.
Making a Perfect Physics Engine
::designing the bastard
::trying to figure out the calculations necissary
::trying to implement them properly
::programming the bastard
Making a new system of counting
::counting by colors, yes, that's right boys and girls, by colors.
Designing graphics methods to compete with things like the Unreal3 engine
::multiple mapping
::methods
::implementation
::concepts (hardest part)
Creating a program to predict the future in a controlled environment
::yes, you heard right. Predict the future. I have a damned good reason, too. And I'm coming along splendidly, all things considered
Creating the Chaos System for storytelling.
::needs more work on future predictions
School
::5 AP classes (7 tests): Calculus, Computers, English, Economics, Studio Art
::speech and debate class
::academic decathlon (SUPER HARD WORK AND SUPER LONG HOURS)
Playing Games
::Devil May Cry
::Need For Speed: Hot Pursuit 2
::Final Fantasy VII
Juggling women (this one sucks) {Edit: This one has since been fully resolved. Much to my personal happiness. I'm all yours, Nohemi.}
::Ava
::Amy
::Nohemi
Play online RPG's
::GM for 1
::participate in 2 others
All the movies I watch on a regular basis
Writing a story
Writing music
Hanging out with friends
Bus rides to and from my house
Eat
Sleep (occasionally)
Make music videos
Art
::normal art
::design art
::art series of Great Battles that never were.
How the hell do I have time for all of that? Really, though! And that's not even going into the work involved for Decathlon.
Something is seriously wrong with me.

344944 Link to this entry
Written about Tuesday 2004-09-07
Written: (7359 days ago)

Wow. Honestly, how much can go wrong in just one day?
So far (I'm in 3rd period, btw),
I woke up late (again, DAMMIT!!!)
I missed the first bus at my first stop, and so had to wait for the next one.
I missed the first bus at my second stop, too.
I completely missed my last stop.
I even missed the last stop of the bus line.
I had to walk all the way to school from there.
I went to first period uber late.
Turns out, it was actually second period.
And we were having a test for second period.
So I got seated at the front and got started late.
And didn't finish the last 17 questions.
Do not have my work done for Calculus, which is next period.
Do not have my work done for Speech and Debate, which is 5th period.
Did not study enough for Decathlon, which I need to do 4th and 5th.
Because we are having competition today.
To see who stays and who doesn't.
And I'm not ready.

And while I HOPE it just gets better from here, I sincerely doubt it.

344766 Link to this entry
Written about Tuesday 2004-09-07
Written: (7359 days ago)

332721 Link to this entry
Written about Thursday 2004-08-26
Written: (7371 days ago)

Message to [Hedda]. Tell me your thoughts on the matter.

I would like to nominate Currupt a wish for the Most Obscenely Popular Wiki Award, or maybe the Fastest Growing Wiki Award, or whatever. Apparently... it was originally created on 8-25-2004.... at the time of this writing, there are already 2 full backlogged archives and a new one that is well on its way already. It already has 10 levels of comments. And it has an immense user participation level.

If necissary (and I actually think this would be a good idea anyway, assuming it won't take up too much space or time), a poll could be made (seperate from the normal Elftown poll on Mainstreet, as that usually contains important polls concerning the improvement of elftown) where people could vote for the Best Wiki of the Month (or year, if that somehow works easier), or vote for Most Original Wiki of the Month or what have you.

Originally, I considered not even suggesting this as a possibility (and I will be adding it to the elftown wiki for such suggestions, I just wanted to run it by you, if that's ok), except that I thought of a good way to go about it, once again assuming that it is not too heavy a programming task: public polls.

By public polls, I mean polls where users (voters) can add in an option, which would then naturally be placed at the end of the list for other voters to consider.
:: To prevent natural human greed, it should probably be limited to 1 addition(nomination, in the case of wiki's) per user, and would probably use the same style flag as normal polls use for voting.
:: To account for natural human error, it should be edit-able by the user, but by nobody else. That would work much the same was as the user comments do for wiki's.
:: To arrange things into a workable order (particularly if this becomes popular), polls could be given a "Timer system" wherein the original posting of the poll nomination would be time-stamped by the elftown clock. Edits would be noted, but not dated (i see no reason they should be dated, at least). After a time predetermined by whoever created the poll, if the nomination did not gain a certain number of votes (again, determined beforehand by the creator), it is removed from the poll choicelist. The predetermined necissary "qualifying time" and votes should probably be noted somewhere on the poll itself.
:: Wiki's themselves could then have objects much like the
Elftown Secret Guard Notes, or whatever they are called, that might list the awards the wiki has won, or the polls it is currently up for nomination in.

Now, I don't know exactly how difficult any or all of this would be to implement into the established elftown system, or how it would affect users. That's why I'm giving the idea to you first, to find out if it's realistic or possible or anything like that.

Thank you for your time, and keep up the good work.

317995 Link to this entry
Written about Friday 2004-08-13
Written: (7384 days ago)

Next in thread: 319643

The Life Left Unlived

Life is, in reality, little more than one's experiences, and though it is true that there is no shortage of bad experiences that await each of us, life is full of experiences that can only be described as amazing. However, the cheif failure of man, and by far the most pitiable, is that so much is left unfelt by so many.
I know people who have never seen the ocean, never stood and gazed upon the flat horizon just beyond the waves. They have never heard the water roll along the beach as if the ocean were purring, the water itself happy and content with its lot in the world. They have never basked under the hot sun and felt the intimacy of its rays when all the sting of the heat has been stolen away by the cool ocean breeze. They have never sat on the sandy beach at night, when the water turns black and unseen in the darkness, leaving behind the sound of the dancing shore and the lights of the sky reflected on the waves, a band of light that marches forward in a silent, steady, and undending procession.
I know people who have never been truly alone, never been left without disturbance for any real period of time. They have never heard "nothing", never known the brief but powerfully total silence in the moments of transition between when the world ceases to make sound and when one's own existance takes its place as the loudest noise in the universe. They have never known the full extent of their thoughts for all the outside distractions. They have never felt the stillness when not even the air moves and the waters grow quiet. They have never seen empty streets, devoid of all life and movement, as if all of life were being lived in an instant, but time itself was never allowed to move on, as if the soul had been lpaced inside a picture. They have never seen a world without motive, without good or evil, or without the discontent that comes from lack of change.
I know people who have never really known the sky above them. They have never felt the blistering heat of the sun or the bright cold of the snow. They have never seen a snowflake, truly the at of heaven, fall before them, land upon their skin, and dissappear in an instant, taking the secret of its existence with it. They have never seen the night sky as it truly is, the round of the atmosphere somehow apparent and the number of the stars impressive. They have never stood and gazed upwards in awe, filled with a sense of insignificance at the size of the universe. They have never seen rain clouds beneath them and sunny sky above, and never thereby sensed the heavenly permanence of the light beyond the darkness.
I know people who have never known the pure bliss of creation, the fulfillment one finds in one's own accomplishments, the freedom of art. I know people who have never tasted the joy of victory or the sweet simplicity of wild berries, picked and eaten with a sense of frivolity and luxury, never seen the life of a forest or the bleak of a desert. But what's worse: I know people who have all of these, adn do not care. They take it all for granted, fail to appreciate all they've been given for what it really is. This is life! How can it be anything trivial? And yet the sad truth is just that. They ignore the wonder of nature, reject it in the facade of daily life, and in doing so neglect the very existence they have worked so hard to preserve. As for the rest of us, our fate is the same: so much to live, so little life to live it with.

315266 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2004-08-09
Written: (7388 days ago)

First draft of my descriptive essay

Life is, in reality, little more than ones experiences, and though it is true that there are plenty of bad experiences that await each of us, life is full of experiences that can only be described as amazing. However, the chief failure of man, and by far the most pitiable, is that so much is left unfelt by so many.
I know people who have never seen the ocean; never felt the spray of sea foam, never heard the might of the water against the rocks; never smelled the salty ocean air; never even known its vastness and it’s wonderful acceptance. People who have never basked under the sun in the everlasting ocean shade that takes the sting out of even the hottest of days. People who have never sat down on the sand at night, to think and watch as the sounds of the soothing surge of water fills the ears and the ocean itself, black as the void of space, rolls forth in waves of scattered light, in a steady procession of stillness.
I know people who have never been truly alone, never been without disturbance for any real period of time. People who have never heard nothing, that silence that fills everything with a consciousness that is both disturbing and empowering. People who have never seen empty streets, devoid of life and movement, as if all of life were being lived in an instant, but time itself was never allowed to move on, as if the soul had been placed in a picture.
I know people who have never really known the sky, never felt the blistering heat of the sun or the bright cold of snow. People who have never seen the night sky as it truly is, studded with the massive artwork of the universe. People who have never seen rain clouds beneath them and sunny sky above, sensed the heavenly permanence of light beyond the darkness.
I know people who have never known the bliss of creation, the freedom of art. I know people who have never tasted the bliss of victory or the sweet simplicity of wild berries. But what’s worse: I know people who have all of these, and do not care. People who take all of this for granted. This is life! How can it be seen as anything trivial? And yet the sad truth is just that. As for the rest of us, our fate is the same: so much to live, so little life to live it with.

313861 Link to this entry
Written about Sunday 2004-08-08
Written: (7389 days ago)

spider man 2 sucked. straight out. it had 2 redeeming factors about it. TWO... well, by my count.
1: The fight scene(s) between Spiderman and Doctor Octopus... awesome and fun to watch. Very well done. No stupid lines, either.
2: "Go get em, tiger."

That's IT.

That gives Spider-Man 2 the WORST MOVIE SINCE LOTR:ROTK AWARD. Congratulations, you ratcatchers.

311169 Link to this entry
Written about Thursday 2004-08-05
Written: (7392 days ago)

Next in thread: 314161

[og_ghost]:
nah. I think I'll stick to hate and unhappiness. :D

[The Naiad]:
That's not good.

[og_ghost]:
but it's at least pain I know.

[The Naiad]:
yeah... but pain isn't good.

[og_ghost]:
why not?
It comes around anyway. Maybe pain, like death, isn't to be feared or avoided... maybe it's to be embraced and cherished for what it is; inevitable and unchanging.

[The Naiad]:
You should never embrace death, for you would be living a life without living.
Much the same you should never embrace pain - yes it is almost inevitable during life, but that does not mean you should embrace that you will feel pain through your life, then you will just wait for pain to come and go. Just don't dwell on either - move on from pain and fear, and become happy.

[og_ghost]:
The embrace of Death is not the neglect of Life.... on the contrary, fear of death is what deprives one of life. There is comfort in knowing that death will come, and that it will come only once. It is among the few constants in an ever changing world. Besides, everything is relative. Time itself is relative. And just as light can be the base for comparison of time, death can be the base for comparison of life. Think: I know what death is. How better, then, to know what life is? Life is all that contradicts death.

Furthermore... there is a kind of bitter joy to be drawn from pain. And know that I am no masochist, or some irrational being; i know quite well what I say. People have a tendency to take things for granted. But how can happiness be taken for granted amidst so much pain? Any and all is welcomed. When hunger has taken you to the brink of starvation, a thoughtful sandwhich can mean more than all the riches the world over.

The focus on happiness is the focus on self-indulgence. Many a well known and appreciated scholar has warned of the dangers of indulgence such as this. To accept pain and happiness, sorrow and joy, and embrace both equally... how can one fail to gain? Necessity is the mother of invention.... laziness is the mother of necessity... but further, luxury is the mother of laziness. All focus should be toward betterment of oneself, in whatever terms that may apply, with consideration of others. If everyone swept his own doorstep, the entire world would be clean. This is true. But if everyone swept their own AND their neighbors.... clean pales in comparison. It is not war that is to be desired, but nor is it peace. Symbiotism is my goal. To help myself and help others. Peace is just a collection of viruses that, lacking proper host, feed off each other. Each steals a little life from the others for itself, constantly depleted and refilled. However, each time, a little life is lost, and soon they all die. So tell me: when did peace ever help anyone? War is not the answer. But neither is peace.

This applies to pain, death, and many other similar "unpleasant" conditions. And if happiness can be drawn from pain and fear, who, then, has suffered loss?

303090 Link to this entry
Written about Thursday 2004-07-29
Written: (7399 days ago)

PROMPT:
The first chapter of Ecclesiastes, a book in the Bible, concludes with these words: "For in much wisdon is much grief, and increase in knowledge is increase of sorrow."
Write a carefully reasoned, persuasive essay that defends, challenges, or qualifies this assertion. Use evidence from your observation, experience, or reading to develop your position.
TIME ALLOWED: 40 minutes.

It has often been said, by fools and wise men alike, that "ignorance is bliss." Though it is rarely given any real or profound thought, it is true. Teh better understood the pain is, the more acutely the pain is felt. Knowledge can therefore be seen as the true origins of pain.
Take the bible, that same resource that produced this quote; particularly, the Garden of Eden. Though less well known and understood by mass society today than in older days, the fall of man is an important illustration of the happiness in ignorance. True, the fall itself was from disobedience to a direct and clear mandate from God. However, the forbidden fruit came from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Knowledge. The fall of man, and all his subsequent suffering, it was all to knowledge. When Adam and Eve's eyes were opened after eating the fruit, the first thing they saw was their nakedness, and they made clothes. So knowledge brought discontent and the desire to "improve" conditions. Cain would continue the legacy of sin by the knowledge that God favored Abel, and thus jealousy was born. This jealousy led Cain to murder his own brother, making tangible the sorrowful effect of knowledge.
The idea of pain in understanding is not exclusively found in the bible, though. One classic story, Flowers for Algernon, comes to mind. The character, Charlie, starts as a happy, though somewhat moronic individual. After he starts to become more aware, gain more understanding, his happiness fades away. Jealousy, anger, paranoia, all afflictions that did not haunt huim in his ignorace, become a basic part of his core persona when he became knowledgeable.
The pain is also not limited to direct causality; anxiety is another form. Any child who has ever known a Christmas has known a tortured, long, and sleepless Christmas Eve. Even the expectations of good things can drive a child mad. Even with the faint sweetness of future happiness is laced with bitter, though subtle, contempt for the present. The anticipation, likewise, is painful, but impending doom is more fearful than impending salvation. Every moment of sadness is understood and experienced beforehand, with no solace to be found elsewhere.
"What they don't know can't hurt them." To tell someone of a danger, particularly a minor or unlkely danger, can cause undue worry in an otherwise solid emotional constitution. Worry causes stress, and stress ahs been shown to lead directly to pain. Yet, if the danger is imperceptible, the pain it can cause is contained within that moment, rather than dragged on through time, increasing the unhappiness. To know the circumstances of ones own death is enough to drive one to the grave - pun intended, sorry. The entire life will then center around their death, which otherwise would only be felt once.
The grief and sorrow of an individual are, therefore, directly proportional to wisdom and knowledge.

... score: 8.... that's so cool... oh, let me show what an 8 means:

24/20

:D
That means I'm cool.

The logged in version