Happiness, ever so elusive
laughing at the pain that I still live
but could it ever change?
Or am I stuck the same?
But then where am I now?
Who have I become these past three months?
Of what use am I?
What have I done to deserve her love?
A little bit closer now
But farther would be easier
Because now she's real again
And my life is what I mean to her
And if she came to me at this very moment
What would she see, and what would she think?
Would I like the reflection of me in her eyes?
Would I still be the man she deserves me to be?
I fear that in this time while she's away
She may grow up, mature with change
And all I've ever really had to give to her
was what little wisdom I could gather
So if she's grown, what good am I to her?
How, then, could I keep her?
But deep inside, I know love is not so fickle
And yet my mind refuses to accept the truth
So who am I? Is this who I've become?
I'm I so very weak I cannot face myself?
But only time can ever answer
the many questions that I still have
so only patience can be my savior
and I must stand alone until she comes....
I don't really know how to respond. For some time now, I've had this empty, nagging desire, a sort of desperate longing, and I've felt it with a frustration of not being able to fix it. I have had much more time to miss her than she has had to miss me, so in that regard I am far more weathered than she. But she's had hell for the past 9 weeks. Hell that kept her from missing me. But I can't really explain how glad I am that she didn't miss me... I never want to be a burden on her, not even in that. She is very important to me. I want my existence to be a source of nothing but happiness for her, and if I can't manage that, I should at least not be a source of grief. Or whatever. I have been varying in my condition ever since she left, starting at absolutely horrid for the first week and a half to depressingly reflective for another week or so, to distracted for like 2 weeks - though, even during times of distraction, she has never left my mind; pushed to my subconscious, to the back of my thoughts, yes, but never gone - to an intense emptiness from her loss for at least a day and a half, to the point that I broke down, to the rejuvination of her first phone call, to the crisis that came on saturday, to the rejuvination of yesterday. Every time I talk to her, I feel refreshed. I can take on the world again.
But when I talked to her on thursday, my standards for myself were raised: I had a refreshing view of myself in her. She is the reason I want to be a better person, and while she was gone - in all forms, not just physically - I continued on that quest. But over time, I began to forget where the base of my ambitions lay. So my standards gradually fell to what I saw around me to improve. But I have seen my goals again, and I have retrieved them from her.
And then on Saturday, confident that my renewing talk with her had bolstered me against the universe, I went to Romero's. And I almost broke again. Or perhaps I did break. At first I was confused. Had I been wrong in what I thought I saw in myself? Had I misinterpreted me? Had I forgotten who I was? But my answer did not come so meanly. For the fact is, I had misjudged my enemy, not misunderstood my allies. I am bolstered by her against the universe, yes, but that is the hydrostatic support (be proud, Romero.) pushing out as the universe and gravity pulls me down. I had forgotten that forces come from both sides. I am my enemy. So when I fell, when I stumbled on saturday with the frustration and confusion, I made a resolution. I stuck my feet into the ground and stood up, determined to not be defeated. I even said "I will NOT BE DEFEATED. Not even by my own failure." And this is what saved me. I saw in time that I defended the wrong side, and I have redeemed myself for that. Now the world stands no chance, for I have achieved victory over myself. Try to stop me now.
So I have defeated one enemy, but the others hold strong against me. The desperate longing has turned into simply the feeling that I miss her. That I wish she were here. But it is bearable now. Save for one thing. Sorrow. Bad Religion. Saturday morning, that song played on the radio. It hasn't left my head since. And with it, her memory. It's like she's been placed perpetually in front of my eyes, and I can't get beyond her. So I've asked to borrow some of my friends' Bad Religion cd's... me at my most masochistic. Because I need to do this. I'll never get past it if I don't. And as usual, failure is not an option for me.
So I was talking with Amy on Saturday. It had occured to me just how hard I push myself. I probably won't live long a the rate I'm going. But at what point does my unyielding approach to life cease to be strength and start to be folly? When do I reach the point that I am set on the path of selfdestructio
Nohemi, I love you. I love you no matter how you've changed, because I realize that your nuances are not why I love you, though admittedly, I do love them as well. I love you because I am so much more me with you. That is what love is, and no matter what you become from here, that can't ever change. But I maintain my conviction to not need you. The only reason your absence has wrought so much grief and pain upon my life is that I have hope that you'll come back, so I have kept you, sacredly, piously, in my life. I want you back. I know that I must wait, and I am in no hurry to rush things, especially if it could mean any detriment to us. But you should know this: I've never seen a better me than yours.
I told you once that Love means to know. But there is more to it than that. Love is a fulfillment. And while "to know" includes, that, it does not sufficiently define it. The two must go hand in hand with each other, but one can stand strong whilst the other wavers. And while I do not know you nearly as well as I'd like (and intend to know you, eventually), I love you because I see that your existence is still a fulfillment of who I am. A realization of my potential. You are important to me, and I never want to let go of you. When last you called, I debated with myself whether or not I should tell you I love you. I have decided that is your choice. Because your absence is not meaningless. I no longer understand the true nature of my love for you. But I know that I love you. Nohemi C. Hernandez, I love you.
arishitamasu
Calix
so yeah, today was weird. First, I go to bed around, I dunno, 2:00, and wake up around 6:00. I leave. I'm at school at 6:35. Good times. Anyway, we go to icebreaker, and we have an ok time. We get there, and we are the only people dressed at all informally. everybody else is in suits and dresses and crap, excpet for us. fun times, eh? Anyway, first competition was good times. Round 1 was a weird skit thing, and we did ok, i suppose. We ranked ourselves fourth of 6, not because we did badly, but because the others did so damned well. We did a skit about a patient getting work done on a cavity, and discovering that his dentist never went to college. I was the dentist. fun times. anyway, we did ok. the best one that time was the girl who found an ex-boyfriend hiding in her bushes. that was pretty entertaining.
On to the second round. It was SPAR debate, and we did awesomely. Fire vs Ice, we got fire, and we did well. Unfortunately, the team opposite us was pretty awesome, too. But I felt we made the stronger arguements, so I put us first and them second (they were really good, and won 14th place in the entire tournament... good times)
on to the third round.
We did awesomely. just awesomely. It was time for Radio Interview, where you basically interview somebody like you're on the radio. I interviewed (NPR style) Adam, who didn't believe it possible to get to the moon. hilarity ensued. Hilarity aplenty. More on that later.
So on to the fourth round. Character Debate. Only one group seemed to have any idea of what they were doing, and they didn't do characters very well. But they did make it into finals. Good job, guys (as if they'll ever see this).
We did pretty badly. But so did everybody else. Honestly, this would have sucked if any body had still cared to be formal. Fortunately, nobody did.
So then we go outside. More on that later, too.
Then we go to the awards. Don't feel like talking about it at the moment (2 of them were awesome, though), so I'll get back on that later, as well.
Finally, we go back home, my team scored 8th from our school (read: not good), and Ms Ulivi takes Jorge and yours truly to Romero's house.
So, we get there, everythings cool, great, wonderful, happy, we've had fun, it's been a good time had by all. But we have 10 minutes to study 4 pages for a test. 4 pages. 10 minutes. Not happening. So Jorge and I went out front and studied, and then when they came back out we had the first two pages down, man. (had I taken the test with that knowledge, I'd have gotten 58 points. pretty good, actually. The first 36 questions, completely correct.) Pwned. Anyway. The other group gets finished, and we all go to Astroburger. I bring my decathalon pages because I know I still need to study for the test we'll take when we get back on the half we HADN'T gotten to yet. So everything is fine and dandy on the walk to Astroburger, and I'm impressed with Amy for having made that walk so well. We get there, everything is still cool. We order, I'm still completely happy, just focused on the paper. Then I go sit down. It hits.
I couldn't memorize what I was reading, and I didn't understand it well enough to make do without. And because of that, I couldn't remember what I was reading. So, as I sat there waiting for the food to come, I read my Decathalon paper. Studying it now, rather than just going over it. I can't remember a thing. Not a single fucking thing. I keep trying. Nothing. We've been there 10 minutes, I still can't get the fucking first paragraph down. It wouldn't stick at all. AT ALL. Usually, even when I say it isn't sticking, it is actually sticking to some extent; simply not to the point where it's particularly useful or comforting. But it did not stick at all.
That was it. Here I am, sitting in the diner, feeling bad for some reason because I'm sitting alone (even though I did that on purpose so I could study....) and I hear everybody around me enjoying themselves, I suppose, and I'm working my ass off trying to learn this damned paper and nothing is fucking sticking!!!! The stress finally got to me. I broke. I just fucking broke. There I am, struggling to not cry (THAT'S how fucking frustrated I was!), struggling just as hard to learn it, trying to make it not so obvious that I just drove my life into the side of a fucking cliff, trying to calm down meanwhile, without losing any time. At this point, I feel like a fucking failure. That's the one thing that I can't handle. Failure. Getting beaten? Sure, no problem. Getting bested? Hey, they earned it. They were just better, we still did ours. But failing? Unnacceptable. Un-fucking-acc
And I broke. Romero noticed, too. I had taken out my quarter to try to ease it, try to get my mind elsewhere, off of the page, but it kept going back, kept failing, kept making it worse and worse. She asked what was wrong, and I couldn't answer. We went outside. I couldn't talk. I was hyper-ventella
But I still hate myself. I'm stronger than this. I'm fucking stronger than this. And if I'm not stronger than this, then I need to get stronger than this. Because this shit isn't just going to go away and then that will be it. No, that is not even remotely
So, here I am. I'm awake. It's 5 AM, and my second day without sleep. I've just finished my newest music video, which I play on the computer full screen for the first time, and I enjoy it, even though I've been working on it for so long, so there aren't really any surprises for me, especially since the clips I used came from the many, many games I play, though the clips themselves were downloaded from the internet. I'm happy with it, and the feeling I get from its completion is well worth any sleep I may have sacrificed for it. But there is school today, and if I sleep now, I'll not wake up when I need to; sleep loses this round, too.
Before I go on, allow me to clear up a few things: no, I am not nocturnal, as that requires actually sleeping during the day; no, I am no insomniac, as I am fully capable of sleeping, I simply don't; no, that doesn't affect me much, as I have been blessed with what is whimsically listed as a "crippling disease" on the application form for the SAT's: Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder, or ADHD, which allows me to operate quite happily long after a person not so fortuitously crippled has collapsed from exhaustion. It means that I can get away with not sleeping without suffering any negative consequences, with the exception of the occasional hallucination, which, by the way, aren't nearly as bad as their reputation would dress them up to be - they tend to be very artistically inspiring.
This isn't a rare scenario for me. Quite the contrary, it has progressed to the point that I actually hate sleeping; I dislike the idea of losing 8 hours of my life every single day to nothingness. I am a very creative person, so there is a lot I want to do with those 8 hours, none of which involves sleep. I also have developed a strange need for accomplishment
But it seems as though I am a peculiar case, as there are not many people I know who do nearly as much as I do. My days are filled well past the point of overflow, and yet I continue to live them in the same vein as always. I am out of my house for 15 hours every day for the sake of school and it's associated activities. This leaves 8 hours for the rest of my life, and teenagers are advised to get 9 1/2 hours of sleep every day. But there simply are not enough hours in the day, so it matters what I do with the time that I have.
Beethoven, renowned as one of the greatest composers of all time, once rejected suicide for the sake of art. He was not content to leave this world without having had his full say. I am no different, and while I've never really contemplated suicide, I could no more live without my art than he could. Every moment of my life is lived for the sole purpose of doing what I need to do, which is anything and everything that I can. Nothing is lost, because nothing is taken for granted, every victory is savored for what it is, and nothing is left to regret (as if there would be time to regret anything anyway).
Some would say that I am unhealthy because of how little I sleep, but I would much rather live my life at the cost of health than be healthy in life at the cost of living it. Besides, time on Earth is fleeting at best, and there is precious little time to waste. But in the end, sleep is not the issue. The real question is, why are you awake?
Fighter: I like swords.
Black Mage Frustration ++
Who have I become? Who is this abominating failure I find in place of myself? And where did I go? I am being invaded by this pathetic existential existance. But I'm stronger than that. And if I am not, then I will become stronger than that. Because I cannot live in defeat. I cannot bear the spoils of victory to be lost by my own unworth. I must achieve victory, even over myself. If this 'me' means to take me down with it, then I shall destroy it. I have no need for weakness or failure. So I must overcome my own tendencies, to abolish this monster who has taken the place of me and hampers my ability to such an extent. It's really quite absurd. Why should I be held back even by me? I am something great, and nothing, not even my own faults, can stop that greatness. The most that can be done is that it may be slowed, perhaps. But I'll not allow for that. There is no time for that. There is so much left to be accomplished, so much to create, so much to share, so much to teach, so much to learn. I will persevere and I will conquer.
But I will not do this to the neglect of those that I love. Life is lost the moment love is, and to abondon love is to wish for death. Happiness is found in two places only, love and accomplishment
So you others who are held within my soul, take heart, for I will not leave you to the wolves of this forsaken land. No, I'll carry you with me to the wonders I will achieve, and you will be happy there. But while I can carry you, pick up the slack where you fall, I cannot live for you. That must be your choice. Choose life, and do not give up. Everything depends upon it.
3: 0, 0, 0
4: 1, 0, 0
5: 0, 1, 0
6: 2, 0, 0|1, 1, 0
7: 0, 0, 1
8: 1, 0, 1
9: 0, 1, 1
10: 2, 0, 1|1, 1, 1
11: 0, 2, 0
12: 3, 1, 0|1, 2, 0|2, 1, 1
13:
14:
15:
16:
17:
18:
19:
20:
0, 0, 0 = 1+ 1+ 1 = 3
1, 0, 0 = 2+ 1+ 1 = 4
2, 0, 0 = 4+ 1+ 1 = 6
3, 0, 0 = 8+ 1+ 1 = 10
0, 1, 0 = 1+ 3+ 1 = 5
1, 1, 0 = 2+ 3+ 1 = 6
2, 1, 0 = 4+ 3+ 1 = 8
3, 1, 0 = 8+ 3+ 1 = 12
0, 2, 0 = 1+ 9+ 1 = 11
1, 2, 0 = 2+ 9+ 1 = 12
2, 2, 0 = 4+ 9+ 1 = 14
3, 2, 0 = 8+ 9+ 1 = 18
0, 3, 0 = 1+27+ 1 = 29
1, 3, 0 = 2+27+ 1 = 30
2, 3, 0 = 4+27+ 1 = 32
3, 3, 0 = 8+27+ 1 = 36
0, 0, 1 = 1+ 1+ 5 = 7
1, 0, 1 = 2+ 1+ 5 = 8
2, 0, 1 = 4+ 1+ 5 = 10
3, 0, 1 = 8+ 1+ 5 = 14
0, 1, 1 = 1+ 3+ 5 = 9
1, 1, 1 = 2+ 3+ 5 = 10
2, 1, 1 = 4+ 3+ 5 = 12
3, 1, 1 = 8+ 3+ 5 = 16
0, 2, 1 = 1+ 9+ 5 = 15
1, 2, 1 = 2+ 9+ 5 = 16
2, 2, 1 = 4+ 9+ 5 = 18
3, 2, 1 = 8+ 9+ 5 = 22
0, 3, 1 = 1+27+ 5 = 33
1, 3, 1 = 2+27+ 5 = 34
2, 3, 1 = 4+27+ 5 = 36
3, 3, 1 = 8+27+ 5 = 40
0, 0, 2 = 1+ 1+25 = 27
I don't see how I do all the things I do. What the hell is wrong with me? And where do I get all the time I have from? I spend 15 hours a day outside of the house, and yet I have so many side projects that I consistently update.... wtf, mate?
and this ava, amy, nohemi bit is obviously getting out of hand. i wasn't looking past the awesomeness of having two girls agree to share me to see the fact that it's not actually what either of them want. I repeat, what the hell is wrong with me?
Current List of Going-ons:
Making an animated movie
::designing characters
::creating story
::creating scenes
::drawing scenes
::drawing animations
Making a game
::designing gameplay
::designing interface
::designing mechanisms
::building mechanisms
::designing art scheme
::programming the bastard
Making a Graphics Engine
::designing the bastard
::programming the bastard
::updating the old bastard I'm using to make the new bastard.
Making a Perfect Physics Engine
::designing the bastard
::trying to figure out the calculations necissary
::trying to implement them properly
::programming the bastard
Making a new system of counting
::counting by colors, yes, that's right boys and girls, by colors.
Designing graphics methods to compete with things like the Unreal3 engine
::multiple mapping
::methods
::implementati
::concepts (hardest part)
Creating a program to predict the future in a controlled environment
::yes, you heard right. Predict the future. I have a damned good reason, too. And I'm coming along splendidly, all things considered
Creating the Chaos System for storytelling.
::needs more work on future predictions
School
::5 AP classes (7 tests): Calculus, Computers, English, Economics, Studio Art
::speech and debate class
::academic decathlon (SUPER HARD WORK AND SUPER LONG HOURS)
Playing Games
::Devil May Cry
::Need For Speed: Hot Pursuit 2
::Final Fantasy VII
Juggling women (this one sucks) {Edit: This one has since been fully resolved. Much to my personal happiness. I'm all yours, Nohemi.}
::Ava
::Amy
::Nohemi
Play online RPG's
::GM for 1
::participate in 2 others
All the movies I watch on a regular basis
Writing a story
Writing music
Hanging out with friends
Bus rides to and from my house
Eat
Sleep (occasionally)
Make music videos
Art
::normal art
::design art
::art series of Great Battles that never were.
How the hell do I have time for all of that? Really, though! And that's not even going into the work involved for Decathlon.
Something is seriously wrong with me.
Wow. Honestly, how much can go wrong in just one day?
So far (I'm in 3rd period, btw),
I woke up late (again, DAMMIT!!!)
I missed the first bus at my first stop, and so had to wait for the next one.
I missed the first bus at my second stop, too.
I completely missed my last stop.
I even missed the last stop of the bus line.
I had to walk all the way to school from there.
I went to first period uber late.
Turns out, it was actually second period.
And we were having a test for second period.
So I got seated at the front and got started late.
And didn't finish the last 17 questions.
Do not have my work done for Calculus, which is next period.
Do not have my work done for Speech and Debate, which is 5th period.
Did not study enough for Decathlon, which I need to do 4th and 5th.
Because we are having competition today.
To see who stays and who doesn't.
And I'm not ready.
And while I HOPE it just gets better from here, I sincerely doubt it.
http://www.wea
http://www.wea
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http://www.wea
http://www.wea
http://www.wea
http://www.wea
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Message to [Hedda]. Tell me your thoughts on the matter.