There is more to come... but this is rather taxing and I don't think I can do this all at once.

Again, I'm putting these where they go. The dates do not reflect the time I submitted them, but rather the dates they occured.

Tuesday was a blur. We didn't do very much. But we did get to go see mom at the funeral home. I was a little worried that I wouldn't be able to take it... that I might pass out. But I knew that I would never forgive myself if I didn't see her.

She was beautiful. just like allways. But mom was a hard woman to make look otherwise. They would have had to try rather hard to atually make her look anything but beautiful. I was afraid that they would put too much makeup on her. Mom was naturally beautiful and I didn't want them covering all that up. But they did a great job. I went in with my little brother and my father. We where all sobbing like babies. and if we hadn't gone in together, we would not have been able to stand alone. We used the other two for support under the weight of the crushing grief. Dad acutally had to sit down for fear that he would fall over. We didn't say much, other than "she's beautiful" and "she looks like she's just sleeping". We where all hoping that she was just sleeping... and I could swear that I saw her eyes flicker and her chest move as if she where breathing. But she didn't wake up... and I touched her hand. It was ice cold... and then I knew that it was not a joke, that this was all real. Somehow I was trying to maintain the delusion that it was all ok, that it was a dream, or that it was some kind of sick joke. But no, it was as serious as... well... death. And I sobbed even heavier. I then knew that I had to be strong. Not for me. My family needed me to be strong for them. Dad needed to know that I was allright. Dad needed to know that I was there for him. Corbin needed to know that I was there for him. Kayci(my younger sister) wasn't there... she had decided against going. We all wished she had.

One of the most heartbreaking things of all was seeing my grandfather crying. He made sure to tell use that "real men do cry." while sobbing like a baby. But the most painful of all was watching him say repeatedly to mom "it's ok hun, you can wake up now. You've been asleep long enough." I had to leave the room, it was just too much for me to take. It's still painful, tears are welling up in my eyes as I type. Other than that tuesday was uneventful. Mary did call me back and inform me of when her flight was. We would be picking her up the next morning.

Allright this I'm about to lay down several journal entries at once... in an attempt to regain that one lost week. I'll be putting them where they belong based on date instead of massing them in one huge entry:

Monday morning I woke up early and decided to go shoping... having nothing better to do and needing drinks and things. When I got back there where some strange messages from my grandmother. They where mostly her acting like I must be asleep or otherwise screening calls with the machine. They went along the lines of "NATHANIEL! Nathaniel... Nathaniel... PICK UP THE PHONE!" Which is what she would do back home... when I would screen calls with the machine (I don't like talking to people... and especially not bill collectors... who happened to call that house quite frequently)... so I didn't think anything of it... brushing it off saying "That's my silly granny for you."

So I called her back. She was staying at my Aunt's and Uncle's house. My uncle picked up the phone and in hindsight he acted pretty strange... saying "hello, who is this?" Then when I told him he said something to the effect of: "oh, er, uh, here." whereby he proceeded to hand the phone to my grandmother. Granny basically said that they had decided to see my appartment afterall. They had previously decided against it because Granddad would have a difficult time making it up and down the stairs. I thought that was odd... but I knew I had forgotten a few things and figured they where going to bring them over. She then asked me if my laundry was clean. I said no... that I had a huge pile, and that I was going to do it that night. She suggested that I do it then, while they where on their way over. I thought it was strange... but Granny told me to do it, so I did.

Before they arrived I got this strange feeling. I felt as if some ominous cloud was hanging over me. I was actually anxious about having my Grandmother and Grandfather over here and I could not, for the life of me, figure why. I then thought back and realized that they had all been acting rather strangely and I figured that something was up... something more than just a grandmother's curiosity and her wanting to see her grandson. But I'm a naturally paranoid person and I just told myself "nah, you think too much. Brain, shut up... keep thinking like this and they'll have to put you on anti-psychotics". I then calmed myself down considerably.

When they got here they where with my uncle Steeve... which I thought was strange but figure Granny and Granddad probably just didn't want to drive. Granny complimented my good housekeeping skills... saying that the appartment "wasn't all that messy." She asked if I got my laundry done. I told her yes. She then looked at me and said "hunny, I've got bad news" and she sat me down on the couch. I had no idea what was about to come. She said "This morning, in Anton, it was real foggy. They're not sure exactly what or how in happend but your mother was hit by a semi... Your mother's dead." I had no idea what to think. I kept looking into here eyes, watching her mouth. Looking for some indication of a smile. Waiting for her to burst out laughing and tell me it was all a joke. But it was not a very funny joke at all and her eyes where choking back tears and her mouth reflected only restrained grief. I couldn't stand to look her in the face then. All I could manage was "oh." while I stared off into nothing... absorbing what I had just heard. She then said that they had booked a flight back to Lubbock that night and told me that I had better start packing. I realized then the forethought granny had put into this all. She didn't let me know what was going on but set me up to be prepared for it. I'm glad she's got a head on her shoulders or I might have lost mine. We got everything in order with the school and I gathered up some school supplies so that I could work on some homework... so as not to fall too far behind. I sent an IM to Mary saying "Something's come up... I'll call you tonight. I won't be here if you call. I won't be able to call until after after 10 your time." I was not able to acutally say what had happened at that time. To me it wasn't real yet. To type it would be to admit it's true.

I flew out to Texas as soon as I heard the news. We where on the 6:00 flight back to Lubbock. We got there relatively late and I was dreading seeing how my siblings where holding up. So far I had held it together pretty well... only a few rogue tears ran down my cheeks while I was on the plane. Tears that I tried my best to hide so as to avoid the attention from the other passengers. I knew there would be a time to cry soon enough.

When we got there I was greeted by so much family and friends. I had to compete with them for hugs from my siblings and my father. Tears where streaming down my face by then. But I still didn't let myself go completely. I was waiting for the right moment.

As soon as I could I grabbed a phone and headed for the back room. By then it was almost midnight and I had told Mary that I would be calling her sometime after 10. I knew she would be worried and probably upset... and I was dreading telling her because I foresaw her beating herself up about it. If she was angry, she would feel awful about being angry with me. I called and the first thing she said after "hello" was "do you have any idea how mad I am at you right now?" I knew I had done it. If I had just said a little more I could have avoided this. I said "oh babe, you're not going to be angry when you hear what I've got to say... Do you know where I am?" She didn't. I said "I'm in Anton." She of course then knew that something terribly wrong had happened. I told her, tears rolling down my face, my voice croaking, "It was foggy this morning. There was an accident. Mom was hit by a semi... and she's dead." (It really is painful reliving this so many times... but it helps). The first thing out of her mouth after that was... from what I could understand through the heavy sobbing was "I want to be there". I responded with "If it makes me selfish to want you here too, then so be it." We talked for a little while longer and I made her promise that she wouldn't dwell on the fact that she was angry with me for the simple reason that I couldn't admit to my mother's death... and that from her standpoint I TOTALLY understand why she was worried and upset. We decided that she would fly up to Lubbock soon... and be there with me through all of that. She had to work tuesday and would be flying out wednsday morning. We then got off the phone and decided to call it a night... but not much sleep was to be had... all things considered.

Bad News:
On Monday Feb 28 something horrible happened.
The roads in Anton where foggy and my mother was involved with an accident with a semi. She was killed instantly. I won't be on for a while. I don't really have time to say much more but I figured some of you might know. Feel free to pass it around as I don't have time to send out individual messages.

I'll type/talk to yall sometime much later.

I'm starting to wonder just how many people realize that I totally sell products on my website... I just found out that my little sis didn't realize that I sold t-shirts with some of my artwork on them. I also sell mousepads... as well as a clock with my frogfaery on it. Perhaps I should advertise more often huh?

Well... I promised that I'd update this as soon as I got back... this isn't as soon as I got back but it's close enough... I've had quite a bit to do since then and really... I still have plenty to do.

I don't know how to start so I'll start at the beginning and we'll see how this goes:

Friday:
First my shuttle was here waiting for me when I got home from school... I left in such a hurry that I forgot to bring food and drink but I figured that I’d be in Dallas in a few hours and that it would be alright. I showed up on time and saw that my plane was also on time... odd considering all the rain. I waited around by the gate for a while until about 30 min before my plane was to leave when I looked up and realized that the time posted for my flight had changed from 6:50 to 8:10. I went and asked and I would not be able to make my flight that I had to catch in El Paso to get to Dallas. (I was flying from Phoenix to El Paso, from El Pas to Dallas). So I got in touch with someone who set me up to go through Albequirky (I know it's misspelled). But now instead of arriving around 10:00 at night I would be arriving around 12:30. So I called Mary with my phone card (which ate up a bitch load of minuets because it was through a pay phone... Nazi bastards!) and told her when I’d be arriving. I waited and waited and waited... I thought my flight would be leaving around 8:30... but it didn't leave until about 9:30! When my plane was boarding however, I was told that I had to go back through security! Apparently when I got things figure out and my flight rerouted, they flagged me for random screening! So I had to go back through security and have them search all my stuff! Everything! They had to pull it all out, inspect it, and repack it... not to mention give me a pat-down... all the while my plane is BOARDING! But I still got on the plane... it was alright. I was afraid that I would be stranded in Albuquerque by then! But it turned out that particular plane was the same one that was going to be flying to Dallas... so I couldn't possibly miss it. I arrived in Dallas around 1:30... it was horrible... I was very tired. But Mary was waiting for me at baggage claim... so I was just glad I was there. We went out to eat... I was starving; I had only gotten a few peanuts and some Ritz crackers... and my two complimentary drinks on the flight. After we ate we went to one of Mary's friend's houses and I slept on her couch.

Saturday:
The next morning I was feeling very ill... I knew I would be. But my mother had given me some little pills that she spoke very highly of. I took one and it fixed me right up no problem. We spent that day moving Mary into her new apartment... which was a lot of carrying heavy boxes and furniture up some crazy stairs. After everyone had left we just made ourselves comfortable... Mary fell asleep in my arms on their new couch (which is really just a two-seater love seat). After while we decided to get up and go to her parent’s house to grab some more stuff. We stopped by her friends house (who was with us) so she could grab some things. On our way to her parent’s house though we ran into a bit of trouble. Mary was tired, the roads where wet, and the road we where on was not the best of roads. We ran a bit off the road, Mary over-corrected, we hydro-planed, swerved all over the place, almost hit an on-coming car, I grabbed the wheel and pulled us off the road, we missed the car, we barely missed a mailbox but we went over a driveway where as the ditches didn't allow the passenger side front wheel to be so lucky... it was basically scraped off of the car by the driveway... and we settled in a ditch in someone's yard. If our wheel hadn't have come off... we would have likely ended up in someone’s house instead of in a ditch. But everyone was alright... Mary was really shaken up though and I was glad I was there if only to be there for her. Actually I was abnormally calm... all things considered. Even when we where swerving on the road and we almost hit that other car... I was calm. After we came to a stop and I saw the extent of the damage I was still calm. I had just been in what could have easily been a potentially fatal accident and my nerves where calm. My hands where not shaking and I was not amped up on adrenalin. I did start shivering eventually... but that was because it was cold and wet. I was rather freaked out by my not being freaked out. Actually... I pretty much decided that I couldn't afford to freak out. Mary needed me to be calm for her.
We called a few people... which eventually included her father. A nice man who saw we where in trouble let us use his flashlight to see the damage. It appeared to me as if the CV Joint had just busted off. Considering the fact that the car was still running after we came to a stop... I think the engine was fine. Mary's parents showed up eventually... after everyone else we called showed up (only because they where called last... and Mary really didn't want to call her dad). But they where just glad she was ok. We called a wrecker to come out and get the car... since it wasn't going anywhere with only three wheels and buried in the mud. We went to her parents’ house and started packing all the stuff we needed to take... which was mostly bedding and the like. Her mother drove us home (everyone else parted ways after we left, including the friend... or was it just before? I'm not sure) and dropped us off at the new apartment. We watched a short movie and fell asleep... well... actually Mary fell asleep, I couldn't sleep. My brain just wouldn't shut up and my stomach was back to bothering me again. So I took another pill, washed my face, and went back to bed... where I slept.

Sunday:
I felt better in the morning... well we woke up well after noon. we where both exhausted from the trip and the wreck. We didn't spend much time there... we went back to Mary's parent's house and waited around till they cooked supper. Her dad is a REALLY good cook... and he cooks the way I like it! With the meat well done... with crispy edges... but still moist on the inside. I loved it. Afterwards, we packed up quite a bit of heavy boxes in the back of Mary's mom's truck (which we had been borrowing and she will be borrowing until her car gets fixed). We drove back to the apartment and Mary and I unloaded it all... that was hell... that stuff was HEAVY! It was mostly her movie collection... which is MASSIVE! After that we went shopping and bought her stuff that she would need throughout this next week. After we got all that situated, we helped her roommate take a few boxes up and then we sat down and looked through Mary's photo albums. I was extremely tired though... not having slept well in the last two nights, so I crashed before we could get through them all (yes, she has that many photo albums... the girl is a picture fiend!).

Monday (Valentines day):
I woke up with Mary beside me (had I mentioned we where sleeping in the same bed? it was nice... much better than cuddling with a pillow, LOL... and no, we didn't do anything but sleeping/cuddling, in case you where wondering). She got her wake-up call and she had to be off to work (yep, working on Valentines day). She headed out but I still had some stuff to occupy my time. I had to have a self portrait done by the next day (I would be flying home on Tuesday and have to go to school that night). However, the portrait only took me about an hour. Mary left at 2:00... she would be home around 7:30... it was about 3:00... I had plenty of time to kill. So I put her computer together, installed the new mouse, and fixed her computer up so that it would run faster... it had been having issues lately and I figured I would take care of a few. I did a disk clean-up and I tried to do a scan-disk but it kept restarting. So I ran Adaware then scanned for viruses... she was full of them. I then tried a scandisk again... which worked. I then did a defrag... but I'm not sure if it worked or not because she's got a password set up when her screen-saver comes up... so I had to restart the computer to do anything with it. But it was fine... it was all up and running faster than it had been in a long time. I took a short nap and then ate something and basically waited for her to get back home.
After she got home we did a few things around the house... put some stuff in the cabinets... tried looking for the DVD remote and waited for some of her friends to come over. After they did, we watched an anime (Fruits Basket) and got through the first two disks... but I was tired and ready to crash. I had an early flight in the morning and we would need to leave for the airport in three to four hours! So we kicked one of the friends out... the other slept on the couch. I slept well... I wish it could have lasted longer.

Tuesday:
We woke up a few hours after going to sleep and where really reluctant to go to the airport. We procrastinated pretty badly... and spent a good amount of time holding eat other tight. I must say that I really didn't want to let go... but I knew that we had to leave. I got up and got dressed (changed clothes... I was not naked). We headed out to the airport and despite our not having the directions with us... we made it without any problems. Mary was in a poor state indeed. We spent some more time in the airport procrastinating and holding onto each other. She was crying... but it wasn't all that bad... then I had to go for real... actually leave her... and she started sobbing pretty heavily. I wish I could have stayed... It would have been nice... though I have no idea what I’d do... and I had to come back for school. DAMN THE ART ISNTITUTE OF DALLAS FOR NOT HAVING MY PROGRAM! I got through security without a hitch. On the way out to El Paso, I slept... I was tired... I didn't wake up until the plane landed... which was quite bumpy. After I got my boarding pass printed off, I sat down and waited for 3 hours before my next flight... My choices of entertainment where soaps or the news... I chose to take a short nap (but never really lost consciousness... best to keep one's guard up in an airport). When I was about to board the plane a lady (not much older than my mother) started talking to me about different things… mostly where I was from, where I was going. This is the lady who would I would eventually sell a hug to for $20… this will be further explained later. We continued our conversation on the plane and we pretty much agreed with each other about everything. She was devoutly Christian and I could fake it well enough to pass… actually I could fake it VERY well… I’m actually so good that I could preach, should I feel so inclined, and I could give very powerful and convincing sermons. I never once lied to the woman though… and I did agree with her about the things we talked about. During the course of the conversation we talked about each other’s lives and of course my being a poor college student came up pretty often… since I am a poor college student. When the plane landed I got my stuff out of the over-head compartment and she reached her hand out like she wanted help standing up. I was more than happy to accommodate her. But when I got my hand back there was a 20 dollar bill in it. I looked at it and she said “I wanted to give you something for your troubles… I thought 10 at first, but you where so nice…” I said “I’d refuse… but I don’t have enough money to be so proud.” She responded with: “It would hurt my feelings if you didn’t accept it.” Then she told me that if I just gave her a hug that she would consider it payment for the hug because she didn’t get to hug her own children very often. Needless to say, I was very grateful.
I got home without a hitch and was ready for school in no time. From there it’s business as usual.

Mary was kind enough to give me a $50 gift card to Wal-Mart… and with that $20 from that hug I sold I’ll be well off for the next few weeks. I’m going to try and make it go a long ways though… I’m making sure it lasts. I’ll probably go shopping tomorrow… since I have nothing to drink now. I’ll also be out looking for a job again this weekend… I think my luck is turning around. I have a damn good chance. ^_^

Allright I had another dream with my dearest Mary in it. I've decided on a list of dreams that I have to have and their content. I have to have one where we have mad passionate love, that one was taken care of a while ago... and several times since. I have to have one where we take care of a kid, that one was just recently taken care of. I have to have one where I just hold her (waiting for that one) and I have to have one where I protect/save her from something (which I'm about to go into).

It was very strange... I remember something about devil worshiping... I had to eat something strange... it was basically oats, blood, brains, and broccoli. yep, don't ask. It was odd. Then I remember that there was a man of great power and influence and he had several concubines that he had just recently acquired. One of which was Mary... but I didn't realize this until he started showing them off and we recognized each other... but made sure no one else noticed that we had. We started mingling and what not and I was able to wisper to her that I was going to get her out of there. It was a horrible and evil place... neither of us had any business being there. She had been stolen away... I forget why I was there. I then pretended to be all mean, forceful and domineering. I grabbed Mary by her shirt and proclaimed to the room that I "liked this one" and that I would be taking her up to a private room. I said it so forcefully that no one dared to question me. That and the funny stuff we ate earlier had put most of the other guys out of commission and i wasn't affected by it in the least. However, the guy of power realized that I was actually a good guy and as soon as we got off the elevator and into what apeared to be a bar at ground level (we where far underground) we where attacked by life sized oriental dolls wearing kimonos and had papers with caligraphy stuck to their foreheads. They wore pink dresses and their faces where made of porcelean. I used my magick on them (gotta love the powers I posses in my dreams) and managed to keep them at bay while we jumped out the window. Mary wasn't doing so well... some kind of spell was on her. I only knew that we had to get as far away from them as possible. The next bit was strange... I decided to take a boat... had a guy promis me that if I could fix his boat that he'd take me wherever I wanted to go... so I just replaced a chain that he had that was broken... actually he gave me the broken one and I used my magick to make a new one by reaching into the ground like it was water and simply pulling out a new one. Then it got hazzy and there was something about jet packs and scuba diving... but I really can't remember it. The important thing is, I saved Mary. ^_^

The reasons I picked those themes are simple. They are themes I associate with my feelings. I'm horney, I want to hold her, I have a "knight in shining armor" complex in that I can't resist a "damsel in distress", and ... I do so love babies. ^_^

Well... enough of the mushy stuff.
Expect more and more dreams to be comming.

I've now got a mailing list set up so I can inform friends/family/fans of updates to my website and/or my EW gallery. Feel free to join at: http://ngal.fateback.com/mailinglist.html

New dream:
This one, oddly enough, had [Hedda] in it. Yep, I don't even know the guy, he lives in some other country, but somhow he worked his way into a dream. that's a very rare occasion.

Basically as far back as I can remember was that [Hedda] had a brother who lived in the States, who died. This brother had a son (an infant) and for some reason or another [Hedda] didn't trust anyone to deliver the child... some kind of conspiracy was going on. So he charged me with the transportation of the child. Along the way I picked up my girlfriend from Texas. We then drove to Sweden (yes, drove). Along the way she and I took care of the kid. We changed him, fed him, cleaned him, etc... All in all, he was a very good kid, and only got fussy every-once-in-a-while. When we arived it had a rather christmasy feel to it all. But [Hedda] was nowhere to be found. His family was really strange they where all elves (of normal height, not the kind Santa employees). They didn't believe me that the kid was [Hedda]'s brothers. They demanded proof. I showed them a sheet of paper which was a paternity test, proving that [Hedda]'s brother was the father but they wouldn't hear any of it. They ended up tieing us up and just generally harrassing us. It was mostly just an older man (probably in his 30's) a woman (about the same age) and a girl (who was about 13) (granted, they where all elves and their ages might not be accurate, that's just how they appeared). The man continued to question me and the baby was crying by then. They did nothing and it really started to get on my nerves. I couldn't believe that people could be so ignorant. I asked the guy "how can I make you believe me?" and he replied with "if you can prove who the child's father is." I of course, had allready shown proof. I had had enough. I yelled "That's it!" and instantly the ropes moved through me like I was made of smoke. I said something to the effect of "I've been resisting the urge to do this, but you've left me with no choice." I then reached out with my mind and picked the guy up in the air (telekineses, I'm not touching him). I then began to slam him against the walls. He had powerful magick of his own but I wasn't about to let him use it. I began to try and weave some spells but I figured if I spun him up and made him dizzy then he wouldn't be able to do anything. That's what I did, I spun him up really fast. I'm chanting this whole time to help counteract any spells they're using on me. Then the other two come in and use their magick to try and stabilize him. He was high in the air so I just let him go. They tried to lower him slowly so they where distracted. I grabed the little girl with my mind, lifted her up and immediately began to spin her. The man fell to the ground and the woman ran over to him. I then threw the little girl at the both of them. I ran into the next room, which looked an aweful lot like my grandparents living room. Inside there where several ancient elves. I told them of the story, but they seemed rather senile. However, they knew enough to know whose the kid was and they appoligized for their grandchildrens behavior. I went to go untie my girlfriend and that's about when I woke up.

Odd huh? [Hedda] only really showed up at the begining to tell me (via videophone) to deliver the kid. It was all very strange. I also think [Hedda] was a body builder or something... he was certainly much more muscular than his ET photos would suggest. *shrugs* that's dreams for ya! o.0

For all those who read this, I did decide on what I was going to do about my previous entry. I'm going to Dallas. The tickets are bought and payed for. The fun part now, is surviving long enough to get a job. I have no cash and $12 available on my credit card. I might be able to get $40 from my room mate for his half of the bills... not sure how I'm gong to pay next months bills... but I'll figure it out. This weekend I'll probably head out to the new walmart and see about applying there... this time saying I can work more often and telling them to call me in the afternoons instead of on the weekends. I'm going to get this to work. I need money desperately. This is going to be pretty hard on me. I'm stressing out more than usual. Projects pile up... limited funds... it's all rather frustrating. But at least I'll still be able to see Mary in 9 days or so. I'll be there on friday the 11th. and be back on tuesday the 15th. Midterms are next week. That means that this week I'll have a ton of work... and next week I should be relatively light in load. Right this moment, I'm not having any fun. I'm tired, my head hurts, I'm frustrated, and I'm a little depressed, but there is that one thing that's keeping my spirits up... and I'll get to see her in 9 days. Just as an example... to show you how poor I am: I cannot do my laundry. That's right. I don't have any cash... no quarters... and dirty laundry. *sigh* I don't know what I'm going to do about that. I suppose I might be able to bum a few bucks off of a friend... or ask my room mate for that advance on the bills rather early... but I'm trying not to be too much of a burden on the people around me. I'll do allright though. I'm a surviver.

I'm having a delema... and it's pissing me off that I have to think about it. Here it is summed up:

Mary and I want me to fly down to Dallas so I can help her move in. I never really thought about it... it wasn't that big of a deal. But then she realized that it would put me there on valintines day. That's not that big of a deal either. Neither of us have ever been too fond of that particular holiday. Thinking it little more than a reminder of how pittifully lonely we where. But now we both have somone... and if I'm not there, I'm afraid that it will once again be a reminder of how pittifully lonely we are. I want to be there more than anything... but here's the issues:

Money... it will cost a total of approx $340 for me to get there and back... which she has offered to pay. That's quite a bit of money. I have no money... I can't even contribute to that in the least. I'm stone broke. I can relinquish my pride for her and accept it as a gift... or as paymet to help her move in (though that's damn expensive for what little work my atrophied arms can do, LOL). Still... she's moving into a new place, going to be out on her own... I want to be SURE she'll be allright and although she and a few others have told me that I'm worth the world, I just don't see it. Then there's the other issue. I SHOULD have a job by then. Hopefully I will. And I don't know when they're going to be scheduling me... and I might not be a selling point that I be able to work valintines weekend. So really... the delema is all about money. If I had money to blow out my ass, I'de be there... but I don't... and she doesn't... and I know she couldn't possibly think of me as one... but I don't want to be a burden. But at the same time... I want to be there for her.

This is angering me greatly. I'm just plain pissed at myself. I want to be there for her... and I know that with what she's got... she can afford this... My mind tells me that it's not financially sound... my hearts is telling me I'm a worthless lazy bastard for even having to think twice about it.

I'm making my mind up today no matter what though... otherwise the plane tickets will be far too expensive. I want to say I'll be there... but I just don't know. >.<

Mary finally got the gift I sent her, a gorgeous drawing of my holding her with angel wings wraping around us both. I wrote some really romantic stuff on it. I don't remember them word for word but I'll try:
On the front is a poem, no it doesn't rhyme:
"When I can't, my arms ache to hold you.
When I am, my arms ache greater still,
Knowing it will not last forever.
Knowing forever isn't enough."

On the back it had written a much longer piece... I'll have to think hard to remember what it said. I won't get this one word for word. Mary will probably have to correct me. @_@
"Know that into each piece of my artwork I pour my soul. Moreover into this piece I have poured my heart. Thusly in your posession is not only a representation of my love for you but also a piece of my heart and soul. No matter wehre I am, no matter the distance between us, I will never be further from you than this image.
With all my love,
With all my heart,
Nathaniel"

In any case, I'm a very happy person. I'm dirt broke, I have no job, no way of getting money. But I've got a roof over my head, and for now I've got food in my cubbard and gas in my car. And even if I lost all that, I've got Mary, and that still makes me smile.

Allright, now I need to feel more masculine. I'de like to say here that I recently blew something up, or did something with my car, that I managed some feat of phisical prowess, or have otherwise been victorious over some difficult task... but in reality my days are spent doing school work and wathing whatever comes on the TV... which tends to be things like "stepmom" and "message in a bottle". Thank god for the discovery channel, my only doses of testosterone are derived from shows like "American Choppers" and "Myth Busters" among others. I really do miss being back home, being able to burn things. I miss being out in the middle of nowhere, where you can smash things to bits and no one cares, where you can run around stark naked in the fields and there's no one around to complain. Wait... er... that's not all that masculine is that? LOL, that's a joke btw... but seriously, you could run around stark naked and no one would be around to see. Above all else though, and this isn't a testiment to my masculinity, I miss my Mary. I want to be there for her, hold her, feel useful for a change.

For now things are going allright. I'm good for at least a few more weeks and I've got so many backup plans it's rediculous. More than a few of them, however, are a bit shady and I doubt Mary would approve of. Nah, the plan is simple. If walmart doesn't call this weekend, then on monday I'll be looking around to see if I can get a job with a local animal boarding facility. I've got about a year and a half's worth of experience as a kennel technition, that's more than enough to get me hired just about anywhere... if they're looking for a part time employee that is. :/ I've got one person I can call to see if she knows any good vets that are hiring and I can work from there. I don't want to have my resume be so filled with similiar jobs but at least it shows consistency. At this point, I would be a great asset to any employer, I need the money, and wouldn't risk ANYTHING that could jepordize that. Right now, I just need some money. Just $300 a month will do me just fine. I can survive on that. But I'll aim for $400 so I can put $100 in a savings account each month. In any case, I don't think any of this is cause to worry. I'm doing fine, I'm happy. I've got the internet for at least another month, LOL, and above all else, I've got Mary... although she's 1107.77 miles away... I'm still happy. ^_^

We did figure something out, it won't be so bad. But I need a job within the next few weeks or I don't get to eat anymore. :/
I'm also not nearly as depressed. I'll be fine in the morning.
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I went from being very happy to being very depressed. For some reason or another, or perhaps many reasons, I have discovered that I have far less time than I imagined. I currently only have $2 in cash and that's about it. I do have enough food to last me a little while... and I do have gas in my car. But I have no money for the bills and nothing to drink but the nasty water that comes from the sink... so full of chlorine that it might as well be pool water. This means that I may lose my internet access after this month is up, if I can't find a way to pay it before then. This also means that if I don't find a job in two weeks tops, I will then have no food, and in a few more weeks, no gas, and certainly no school supplies. Heck, if I don't get money by next week I'll have no money for sculpting supplies... and I will be screwed in that class. I could allways just drop it. But I think if I could get the supplies I could make it just fine.

I'm currently working of trying to figure out what the hell I'm going to do. I'm waiting for my mother to call me. And Mary has decided she might be willing to help me out... though I must say I have my reservations about borrowing money from her. I don't want to become that guy who takes advantage of those that love him. I feel bad enough taking money from my own parents. I also think this might just be what I need to get me out there to find a job.

In the mean time, there are levels of survival that I'm willing to accept. And I have so many backup plans it's reidculous. Some of them... no one would be too pleased about. But you do what you can to survive. If all else fails, I can allways go back home and get certified in something else, something small, and come back when I have the confidence that i could get a job. But that's the last resort. Actually the last resort alltogether is moving back to Texas and trying to become an art teacher in some small school. None of them really know a damn thing anyway, never taught me a damn thing at least. *shrugs* I'll figure this out, I'll make this work. I'm depressed but I have to turn that into motivation. My maxed out credit card has just become the fire lit under my ass (because it's in my back pocket) to get me off my ass and out there in the job world. Wish me luck, keep me in your thoughts. If I should dissapear after the end of this month, I might be able to get on at school and keep you guys updated.

Well, that's all I've got for now. :/

I'm really scatter brained now! I actually locked my keys in my car today. But luckily my car is a piece of crap so all I had to do was use my ruler to pop/pull out my window to unlock the door. That took a whole of 30 seconds. The hard part was getting it back in! That took a minuet or two.

I had an epiphiny a few days ago. I read a few offline messages from my girl back in Texas. There was nothing special about them. She was expressing how upset she was about not being able to talk to me that day when suddenly it hit me. I was in love with her! needless to say, I was in a quite the good mood thereafter.

I'm about to try and figure out what's going on with my credit card, it was declined today. Something's got to be wrong. :/

For those who are watching this but not HiddenFire Photos I've added a few new ones. I've now got one of me topless, I figured somone might enjoy those. Just don't enjoy them too much. And to show off my inhuman flexability, and to cause people pain just by viewing them, I've pictured some of my contortionist-esque tricks. Well worth seeing.

On a more than slightly higher note, I recently came to an interesting epiphany. While reading some offline messages Mary sent me a few days ago it hit me. Now the messages weren't much, just her expressing how upset she was that she didn't get to talk with me. Still, that was enough. I realized that I had actually fallen in love. Yep, don't ask, I don't know either. It makes no sense, but I figured it didn't have to. I've been in a pretty damn good mood sense. ^_^

On a financial note, things are still not going well at all. I've only got $2 in my wallet and my credit card was declined today for some bizzar reason. It has money on it, there's no reason why it should have been declined. I'll figure it out. I'm about to check my ballance on the card. I'm not too happy about all that. :/

I just read through some of my old diary entries... and it got me a little depressed. But I've got Mary to cheer me up now. I can't believe how screwed up Blaire made me. I was a very angry, angsty, depressed person. I'm almost digusted by the way I carried on like that... but the feelings where legit at the time. I may have said that Blaire was the only girl I ever loved... but I never did tell her. That leads me to think that I was never actually in love with her. Mary, I can say that sort of thing to... and mean it. If I ever was in love, I think it's now. Sucks that we have to be so far away from each other. I want to hold her so badly. >.<
For now, I've got to learn to be content with the sound of her voice. *sigh* listen to me! I'm getting all mushy! >.<
I should probably quit now. @_@

Alright, I suppose I should make an entry pertaining to the recent... complication of my life. So here it goes:

Yes, I flew down to Dallas and met up with Mary. We actually had a lot of fun even though I stayed up too late on the first night and was very ill the next day... or rather the same day... seeing as how they bled together. I was unable to eat due to extreme nausia and the occasional dry heaving was a pretty good deturant. Fortunately Mary was not detured and we spent some quality time on the bathroom floor. That and we did a lot of sleeping. She's an insomniac so I'm sure her body thanks me for the extra sleep. Mostly we just drove around with her taking care of me after that. I felt pretty aweful for making such an important visit such a miserable one. But dispite the fact that I was ill, I really did have a good time. I'm glad I went down there. Unfortunately my being ill didn't allow me to work on the drawing I was making for her for christmass. So I worked on it after I got back to my appartment here in Phoenix. I think I'm pretty much done with it now. I just have to get it mailed off.

She complains about her looks. It's annoying really. But eventually I'll get her to see herself like I see her. I knew it would make things complicated and I was right. Now we're two states away and only really get to talk on the phone and perhaps chat online. I know it's long distance but I don't care. I'll make it work. I'll get a job and save up the money to visit her... or for her to visit me. Fate's been cruel to me my entire life. I think it's about time I make my own fate. She makes me happy. It's scary, but she does.

figured all my "readers" would want an update on my strange love-life. Here's the story summed up thusfar:
Knew each other in middle school. She started out not being too fond of me. I was very fond of pestering her. I did everything I could to get on her nerves. I even went as far as to VERY innapropriately compliment her body and actually proposed to her for half a stick of gum. Later, all that "I like you I'm going to annoy you" crap wore off and we became friends. We had a small group that was pretty much me and my best friend, who has since abandoned me after moving to Pensylvania where he "dropped a can" and I never heard from again, and then Mary and her best friend at the time, who was a strange little girl whom I got the impression from that she would flirt with anything that wore pants. The four of us where inseperable... except with school let out, then the boys and the girls didn't really associate. Still we had a lot in common, Mary and I, and we usually spent our free time durring school to talk about everything from popular TV to philosophy to what we hated about the world. It was in high school that I realize that I had a HORRIBLE crush on her. I couldn't help it, and I was too shy... and afraid to do anything about it. I wanted, desperately, to tell her. And in fact, I made a resolution at least three or four times a year to do just that... but I took time for granted and I missed my shot. I moved out to the middle of nowhere and we fell out of contact for about 3.5 years. Durring that time I grew into somewhat of an adult in a small town that wasn't worth my time. I dated Blaire briefly but she broke my heart. I had been interested in her, we where friends for a while, tried to be more, but aparently I was a better friend than a boyfriend. Soon after moving out to the middle of nowhere I asked a friend who knew Mary to give her the url to my website. But she put it off and lost it. I figured she was simply uninterested. Then came the day when her parents told her she could get a cat... if she cleaned her room. I have that cat to thank for our getting back in contact because it was durring this rare occasion that she found the url to my website again. She went to it, and sent me an email. It was a rather short email... very "matter of fact" if I remember correctly. In any case, we picked up right where we left off. Aparently I was... stable. Because a whole ton of crap started happening to her after my leaving. A boyfriend... he seriously messed her up... a stalker... a friend who only thought he was a friend but is really just obsessive and annoying. It was that annoying and obsessive "friend" who was the reason why I suggest we pretend to be dating. I wrote her a few VERY romantic letters which she convienently shared with the people at work, of whom he is one. Things pretty much went on like that for a while. I then moved out to Phoenix and she started calling me at least once or twice a week. You'de think we where really dating seeing as how our current record for talking on the phone is 7.5 hours. We can't seem to break that one since my phone has a tendency to run out of power just after 7 hours. We where really only just friends who where pretending to date in an attempt to run off this obsessive friend of hers. But, and I must say that I suspected it would happen... or at least hoped, she realized that she had feelings for me and OF COURSE I had feelings for her. So just before I was able to make the trip out to meet her, we decided to make it official after about 6 months of pretending to date. Then of course there is the story of us meeting which is all stated above. I suppose in some twisted way it's romantic. For what it is, that's the story summed up rather nicely. I think I hit all the major points.

on a compltely unrelated note, I'm starting to get worried about my roomate. School starts back up tomorrow and he's not back from winter break yet. I suppose he could have arived or being ariving at the airport sometime earlier and around now and it's taking time to get all his stuff and get transportation back here. *shrugs* I suppose that means I have more time to myself.

I did figure out my schedule and get my grades. I got 3 A's and two C's. What an odd spread huh? One of the C's I'm rather suprised about. I don't know why I got what I did. It's rather annoying. But at least I passed. I may talk to the teacher about it. Or I may just be content in the fact that I passed. I haven't decided yet. I'm not one to be obsessed over my GPA. The other C I expected. I calculated my grade dozens of times to make sure that I could get away with not writing one of the papers and still pass. Apparently my calculations where correct. ^_^

I'm also going to see about job hunting soon. Perhaps tomorrow or next weekend. I need a job BADLY! I have no money. My credit card is just about maxed out. I have about $15 in my wallet and only a quarter tank of gas in my car. That's got to last me until my first paycheck. Otherwise I'll just have to walk to school, not do most of my projects (because I have no money for supplies or books), and I'll just have to go hungry. My parents might still be able to pay $100 on my credit cart debt a month... that will help things out a bit. Once I get a job Mary has promosied to help me figure out how to manage my finances... she's apparently pretty good at it.

That's about all I've got for today. But there certainly will be more to come.

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update: I've been informed that my interpretation of the past is incorrect. @_@ That's my poor memory for you.
Mary did try to get in contact with me... but something happened and it obviously didn't work... then she lost the notebook. And it was not the cat for whom she was cleaning, it was the simple fact that she was bored. Thank god for bordom then. ^_^

I think that just about covers all the corrections... I suppose I should get used to being corrected. @_@

Things have become slightly more... complicated for me. I'm not sure if everyone knows or not, but I began a fake relationship with an old friend, Mary, a while back to help her deal with an obsessive person in her life that she is too nice to just tell to "fuck off". It's been going on for several months now... I want to say three or four. That's the longest relationship I've ever had... and that's rather pittiful. The funny thing is, now we've decided that it should be a real relationship. Which pretty much consists of the exact same reltionship, just with some added exclusivity and a slightly more emotionally uninhibited tone. Oddly enough, I found it very easy to tell Mary that I loved her. I don't think I ever told anyone else that in a romantic sense. But hell, there's no denying my feelings, why not lay them out there as they are? I know it's horrifically early to be using the dreaded "L" word... especially even BEFORE the relationship became official. Really she knew that I had feelings for her when I started emailing her again a while ago. She knew I considered her "The one that got away" or a "missed oppurtunity". Back then I knew I liked her... love was questionable. I do know that I love her, however, whether or not I'm "in love" is another story. I've never really been in love, I'm not even sure I was in love with Blaire. But perhaps I doubt my own emotions too much. In any case I'm happy, I'm smiling, and it feels great to be able to say the "L" word. It may be early in the official reltionship but we've been friends for years and really, my feelings for her haven't changed much... she even asked me how they've changed. I responded with: "They've solidified." They where allways what they are now, but now they are more concrete.

I'm waiting for a money order from her to arive in the mail. It should be ariving within the next few days. Once I have that I'll be able to aford the trip out to her. I feel horrible about her paying for the trip but she offered, and it's her idea. I, personally, do not think I'm worth the money, but I cannot deny her if she thinks I am. Obviously she wants me down there enough to pay for the trip both ways, and that really does mean a lot to me. I'm usually a very proud person, I don't accept money from anyone and I usually do things for free... perhaps that's why I'm so damn poor... In any case, I'm making an exception for her, and although It is a great sacrifice on her part, I must admit that it's rather difficult for me as well. I do so hate it when people spend money on me... especially if they give me more than I need. I'm a poor person, and a very frugal person at that. I don't like to see any wanton wasting of money for any reason. I even scold Mary when she goes over her cell phone minuets talking to me... or like last time she called where she was using her home phone, payed for by her parents. I've told her constantly that I'm not worth all the money she's spending on me but aparently I make her happy... so she's like my sugar momma. Amazingly I have allways been of the opinion that I wanted a sugar momma, but now that I've got someone that is pretty damn close, I'm not sure it's as easy as that. It's hard to enjoy a sugar momma when you don't like people spending money on you. I'll figure out how to deal with it. I'll eventually come up with a proper justification.

Look at me. I'm pooring out half the contents of my brain here. I think I'll just end it here so as not to make too massive of a diary entry... I suppose it's probably better to break this sort of thing up. Expect more to come after I return from Sachse.

Just telling everyone that I've arived in one piece. The pane ride was uneventful, we where'nt delayed too much. Only about 40 min. I'm back home, and typing this from one of the worlds crappiest computers and slowest internet connections. So don't expect me to be too active these next few weeks.

Things look bleak as far as my being able to go back to Sachse to visit that friend. With the holiday season as it is, we're all short on money... we are pretty much completely tapped out. :/
I'm used to not getting what I want, but it still makes me angry. I'm working on a plan that could work... but it'll be cutting it pretty damn close.

In any case, it's good to be back home and enjoying some good home cooking. I found that my diet was severly lacking in vegitables. And as you may notice, after only a few days with vegies back on the menu my vocabulary has exploded back to it's full superfluous glory. I never thought I would miss vegitables... and once they where removed from my diet I pretty much lost the capability to think. I may have to convince my roomate that vegies are his friend so that I can start eating better... at least throwing in a taco salad every once in a while. I'll try to actually cook more instead of simply thowing together ramen, eggs, or a sandwich. :/

Glad to be back home. Happy holidays everyone. ^_^

On tuesday I'm going to be flying out to Texas. I'm going home for christmass. I may or may not be driving down to around Dallas/Garland to see some old friends. We're not sure about the details yet. Hopefully I'll find out tomorrow. Wish me luck! I'll be leaving the apartment at around 4:00 PM. My flight is at 6:50 and I think I'll be ariving in Texas around 9-10. It shouldn't be too bad. I've made sure to give myself ample time to figure everything out once I get there. I'm not exactly sure what all I'm supposed to be doing once there... I'm smart though. I'll figure it out. ~_^