How have I been?

I'm not so good. I'm still next to broke and trying to find a job... I just went through hell trying to get my phone working... I moved to a new appartment and Cox was supposed to move the phone service over... all they did was turn it off. I just got my phone back today (saturday) and I haven't had phone service since tuesday! I may have had a potential employer try to call me... in which case... I probably won't get the job. I'm having serious issues with my Girl at the moment... and not having a phone hasn't helped (since she lives in Dallas Texas and I in Phoenix Arizona... 1107.7 miles apart). My dad is probably going to lose his house because the bank is evil and won't talk to him when he asks how much he owes on the loan... they won't talk to the bankruptcy lawer either... My computer has taken a nose dive. I thought it had a virus but now I think my hard drive is failing... either that or there is a virus in my boot sector. If it's either (and it's one of the two) that hard drive is toast. Which blows because it's an expensive 120GB! And now when I have only $50 in cash and $70 available on my credit card my car decides to die... my batery is definately dead, but the real problem could be with my alternater. Which means that now I have to walk at least 30min a day to and from school and now my job search has become much more limited in possible areas due to my having to walk to them now.

How Have I been? Fine really. I'm still healthy. I'm alive. I'm not too hungry. I've got a place to sleep. My Girl and I are having issues but I'm still glad I've got her. Family is doing as well as can be expected. We're all starting to move on with life after the death of Mom. I've got a lot going wrong at the moment... but really, I don't think I've got it so bad. Or at least I'll keep telling myself as much... it's funner to be delusional... and if I dwell on the negative and minimize the positive I'll only throw myself into a cold dank pit of depression. ^_^

If I'm right and my luck behaves as I beleive it does... things will start to turn around soon. My luck seems to be constantly trying to find a ballance. It decides I don't have enough so it gives me things, then it decides I have too much so it starts to take things away... almost as if to teach me a lesson. I don't want for much and I appreciate what I have... if I haven't learned anything else from life, I've got that much down. :/

On top of eveything that's happened... and with finals on my heels... my computer has decided to die. It's either a virus or my hard drive has decided to crap out on me... knowing my computer... it could be either... or both. In any case, don't expcet me to be on for a while. I'll only be dropping in periodically from school... and it won't be often at all.

There is more to come... but this is rather taxing and I don't think I can do this all at once.

Friday:

Not a whole lot happened. We went over to granny and granddads for a while... but Mary and I just couldn't stand all those people and all that ham. Ham was just about the only thing we had been eating this whole time. The Harrel family knows how to make a ham and we all love ham... but not that much. I want to think that something like five whole hams where made up for the occasion... and we went through all of them. In any case we had to get away from it all... so we decided to walk down to the Dairy Mart and get some chicken strip dinners. I do so love their chicken strip dinners. We sat and ate... Mary, my little sister, and myself at the dairy mart and one of my sisters friends joined us for a bit.

After a while we went back to Granny and Granddads and Mary looked at some photo albums... more embarrassing pictures of me. Apparently there are a lot of them.

Before long we where heading back home for the night. After everyone was asleep Mary and I where hungry... having not eat much since our chicken stip dinners. We had a little left over so we decided to heat it up in the microwave first. I figured that 10 seconds would be enough... Mary sat up on the counter and waited. But 10 seconds wasn't long enough... chicken was still cold. So I stuck it in for 20 seconds (chicken in the microwave). We started kissing to pass the time. I caught her a little off guard because I wanted to bite her lip... she thought I was trying to stick my tongue in her mouth... but then the time ran out and the timer beeped. But again the chicken was still too cold. I stuck it in for 30 seconds more and we started kissing again. This time she stuck her tongue in my mouth. I was going to be a gentleman... I respect her. But she made the move and in my mind it works like this "well... she just did it, That's all the permission I need." And we started making out. There where a few other instances of this... but I dont really need to go into detail. Basically the chicken strip dinner went uneaten... our appetites craved something else at the time. To make a long (and I do mean long) story short we made out and groped each other for more than three hours on the kitchen floor. We had to move to the floor because neither of us could stay standing. By the end of the night she was full of butterflies, but I was in horrible shape. I was extremely hot but shivering like I was eppeliptic... not to mention the fact that I was in so much pain that I could barely walk.

After taking care of a few things and finally getting to bed... I slept like I was dead. We had to sleep in seperate places for two reasons. One, my sisters friend invited herself over to spend the night... and two, I wanted to make sure that we could control ourselves after all that.

I've got to get this stuff down before it fades from my memory. Allready I'm having things blur considerably. My memory has never been good.

Thrusday:

Woke up early and went to my grandparents house for breakfast. The whole day was more of less dedicated to our getting ready for the funeral. I shaved and fixed my hair... we all got dressed up. The animal care clinic where my mother worked was kind enough to buy our clothes... otherwise I would have been wearing jeans and a decent shirt... instead of actual dress clothes.

We went over and ate lunch at the church. We visited with people and just generally hung out and told stories. Again I got hugs from everyone... I don't really like to be touched but I tollerated it.

After a while we went over to the church for the funeral. The immediate family sat in front and mom's sisters and family sat right behind us. They also let Mary sit with them... which was good because she was right there to be able to put her hand on my shoulder. We sang songs and the preacher gave a sermon. Then at the end they moved mom close to the door and had everyone see her on the way out. We got to see her last. I remember being up near mom and I had Mary under my left arm, and my sister under my right and I said "here's my girls." and gave them both a big hug.

After that we headed out to the grave site where they would burry her. It's a nice little place. Someone was probably saying something... but I wasn't really paying any attention. People came by and gave hugs and we talked. But then it started to rain and we headed back to the anex of the church for more food and fellowship. I spent some time talking with family. Mary stayed at Granny and Granddads to give me some time alone with my family.

When I got back I was a little aloof and ended up making Mary think I was ignoring her. I'm not really going to make any excuses. She ended up getting upset again and we had to go have another convorsation out on the front porch. But we settled it within a reasonable amount of time and maintained our perfect record.

After a while we went back to the house and again Mary and I shared a bed... but my fake bed was ready just in case anyone came over early in the morning... that way we wouldn't get caught. I'm a sly devil... I even set up the covers on the couch to make it look like I had just gotten out of them...that way I can make it look like I'm comming out of the bathroom or something. It's the perfect plan! *devilish grin*

On wednsday morning... after barely any sleep... My aunt came by and picked my brother and I up from my grandparents house. We still hadn't the nerve to go back home... knowing full well that mom would not be there and that the accident had practically happened in our back yard. She took us to Levelland and dropped my brother off at school and immediately took me to the airport to pick up Mary... God I was glad to see her.

When we got back to my Grandparents I got to introduce her to most of the family... they all seemed to like her. Which really doesn't matter to me because my opinion of her is the only one that really counts.

Later that day we got to go see mom again... this time Mary was with me and kayci would be seeing her as well. Mary had never met mom... nor had they even talked. What Mary knew of mom she knew from the stories I tell of her. She would have liked Mary... and they would have especially connected on account of their both being short, LOL. I would allways tell Mary that she had no need to worry about our tall family... because mom was short she could just hang around her. In any case I took Mary in there... we where both crying by now. I introduced her to mom... "well mom, this is Mary. I know you wanted to meet her. I'm sorry that it had to be like this..." Basically I was saying this is the woman I love. And of course, Mary was falling appart... tears where freely rolling down my face.

Kayci did go in and see mom... she balled her eyes out. As did my cousin Lezli. I had to be there for the both of them and Mary stepped back for a while... I'm not quite sure what she was doing but she gave us some space. It was horrible seeing Kayci so torn up like that. The emotional states of friends and family where worse on me than the actual circomstances.

We went home and on the way we passed a white truck parked on the side of the road. It ended up being the truck driver... the guy who was driving the semi that hit mom. He was ordered by the police not to talk to us because we might sue. But we where really worried about him and my aunt Karry had allready talked to him about it. My father talked to him for a good long while and then my little brother and I talked to him. Mary wanted to go out with me but I told her that I had to do this alone... that I didn't want to confuse or put pressure on the guy. He was fine and he actually was a nice guy. We made our peace with him, made sure he knew that we didn't blame him, made sure he was ok. it helped us all out tremendously.

That night Mary was upset with me. She didn't understand why I wouldn't let her be with me. I tried to explain to her why I wanted to do that alone... and why I occasionally needed time alone or alone with family. She was really upsetting me. I told her how I felt. I had been thinking about her about as soon as I got back to Texas. All I wanted to do was hold her. I was afraid that if I could lose my mother to something so sudden that I could just as easily lose her (especially considering the little accident we had over the valintines day weekend). She felt as if I didn't really need her. I need her more than anything. By that time we where both crying. That's when we had our first real kiss. Everything was better by then. We have never really had an argument and we kept our perfect record.

That night I got to spend a night holding onto the person I had so wanted to since monday. Mary was there with me, in my arms and I knew that nothing was going to happen to her while I was there... while we where together. I slept rather uneasily though... I didn't want anyone comming over and seeing us sleeping together. We wouldn't be doing anything and still be fully clothed but the last thing I needed was for my grandparents to think that I was somehow being a sinner. I actually made a bed on the couch in the living room and as soon as I heard a noise (early that morning) I ran and jumped in that bed... however, it was just my little sis getting up and around and ready for the day. I think I still fell asleep there though... but not until after I had spent most of the night at mary's side.

Again, I'm putting these where they go. The dates do not reflect the time I submitted them, but rather the dates they occured.

Tuesday was a blur. We didn't do very much. But we did get to go see mom at the funeral home. I was a little worried that I wouldn't be able to take it... that I might pass out. But I knew that I would never forgive myself if I didn't see her.

She was beautiful. just like allways. But mom was a hard woman to make look otherwise. They would have had to try rather hard to atually make her look anything but beautiful. I was afraid that they would put too much makeup on her. Mom was naturally beautiful and I didn't want them covering all that up. But they did a great job. I went in with my little brother and my father. We where all sobbing like babies. and if we hadn't gone in together, we would not have been able to stand alone. We used the other two for support under the weight of the crushing grief. Dad acutally had to sit down for fear that he would fall over. We didn't say much, other than "she's beautiful" and "she looks like she's just sleeping". We where all hoping that she was just sleeping... and I could swear that I saw her eyes flicker and her chest move as if she where breathing. But she didn't wake up... and I touched her hand. It was ice cold... and then I knew that it was not a joke, that this was all real. Somehow I was trying to maintain the delusion that it was all ok, that it was a dream, or that it was some kind of sick joke. But no, it was as serious as... well... death. And I sobbed even heavier. I then knew that I had to be strong. Not for me. My family needed me to be strong for them. Dad needed to know that I was allright. Dad needed to know that I was there for him. Corbin needed to know that I was there for him. Kayci(my younger sister) wasn't there... she had decided against going. We all wished she had.

One of the most heartbreaking things of all was seeing my grandfather crying. He made sure to tell use that "real men do cry." while sobbing like a baby. But the most painful of all was watching him say repeatedly to mom "it's ok hun, you can wake up now. You've been asleep long enough." I had to leave the room, it was just too much for me to take. It's still painful, tears are welling up in my eyes as I type. Other than that tuesday was uneventful. Mary did call me back and inform me of when her flight was. We would be picking her up the next morning.

Allright this I'm about to lay down several journal entries at once... in an attempt to regain that one lost week. I'll be putting them where they belong based on date instead of massing them in one huge entry:

Monday morning I woke up early and decided to go shoping... having nothing better to do and needing drinks and things. When I got back there where some strange messages from my grandmother. They where mostly her acting like I must be asleep or otherwise screening calls with the machine. They went along the lines of "NATHANIEL! Nathaniel... Nathaniel... PICK UP THE PHONE!" Which is what she would do back home... when I would screen calls with the machine (I don't like talking to people... and especially not bill collectors... who happened to call that house quite frequently)... so I didn't think anything of it... brushing it off saying "That's my silly granny for you."

So I called her back. She was staying at my Aunt's and Uncle's house. My uncle picked up the phone and in hindsight he acted pretty strange... saying "hello, who is this?" Then when I told him he said something to the effect of: "oh, er, uh, here." whereby he proceeded to hand the phone to my grandmother. Granny basically said that they had decided to see my appartment afterall. They had previously decided against it because Granddad would have a difficult time making it up and down the stairs. I thought that was odd... but I knew I had forgotten a few things and figured they where going to bring them over. She then asked me if my laundry was clean. I said no... that I had a huge pile, and that I was going to do it that night. She suggested that I do it then, while they where on their way over. I thought it was strange... but Granny told me to do it, so I did.

Before they arrived I got this strange feeling. I felt as if some ominous cloud was hanging over me. I was actually anxious about having my Grandmother and Grandfather over here and I could not, for the life of me, figure why. I then thought back and realized that they had all been acting rather strangely and I figured that something was up... something more than just a grandmother's curiosity and her wanting to see her grandson. But I'm a naturally paranoid person and I just told myself "nah, you think too much. Brain, shut up... keep thinking like this and they'll have to put you on anti-psychotics". I then calmed myself down considerably.

When they got here they where with my uncle Steeve... which I thought was strange but figure Granny and Granddad probably just didn't want to drive. Granny complimented my good housekeeping skills... saying that the appartment "wasn't all that messy." She asked if I got my laundry done. I told her yes. She then looked at me and said "hunny, I've got bad news" and she sat me down on the couch. I had no idea what was about to come. She said "This morning, in Anton, it was real foggy. They're not sure exactly what or how in happend but your mother was hit by a semi... Your mother's dead." I had no idea what to think. I kept looking into here eyes, watching her mouth. Looking for some indication of a smile. Waiting for her to burst out laughing and tell me it was all a joke. But it was not a very funny joke at all and her eyes where choking back tears and her mouth reflected only restrained grief. I couldn't stand to look her in the face then. All I could manage was "oh." while I stared off into nothing... absorbing what I had just heard. She then said that they had booked a flight back to Lubbock that night and told me that I had better start packing. I realized then the forethought granny had put into this all. She didn't let me know what was going on but set me up to be prepared for it. I'm glad she's got a head on her shoulders or I might have lost mine. We got everything in order with the school and I gathered up some school supplies so that I could work on some homework... so as not to fall too far behind. I sent an IM to Mary saying "Something's come up... I'll call you tonight. I won't be here if you call. I won't be able to call until after after 10 your time." I was not able to acutally say what had happened at that time. To me it wasn't real yet. To type it would be to admit it's true.

I flew out to Texas as soon as I heard the news. We where on the 6:00 flight back to Lubbock. We got there relatively late and I was dreading seeing how my siblings where holding up. So far I had held it together pretty well... only a few rogue tears ran down my cheeks while I was on the plane. Tears that I tried my best to hide so as to avoid the attention from the other passengers. I knew there would be a time to cry soon enough.

When we got there I was greeted by so much family and friends. I had to compete with them for hugs from my siblings and my father. Tears where streaming down my face by then. But I still didn't let myself go completely. I was waiting for the right moment.

As soon as I could I grabbed a phone and headed for the back room. By then it was almost midnight and I had told Mary that I would be calling her sometime after 10. I knew she would be worried and probably upset... and I was dreading telling her because I foresaw her beating herself up about it. If she was angry, she would feel awful about being angry with me. I called and the first thing she said after "hello" was "do you have any idea how mad I am at you right now?" I knew I had done it. If I had just said a little more I could have avoided this. I said "oh babe, you're not going to be angry when you hear what I've got to say... Do you know where I am?" She didn't. I said "I'm in Anton." She of course then knew that something terribly wrong had happened. I told her, tears rolling down my face, my voice croaking, "It was foggy this morning. There was an accident. Mom was hit by a semi... and she's dead." (It really is painful reliving this so many times... but it helps). The first thing out of her mouth after that was... from what I could understand through the heavy sobbing was "I want to be there". I responded with "If it makes me selfish to want you here too, then so be it." We talked for a little while longer and I made her promise that she wouldn't dwell on the fact that she was angry with me for the simple reason that I couldn't admit to my mother's death... and that from her standpoint I TOTALLY understand why she was worried and upset. We decided that she would fly up to Lubbock soon... and be there with me through all of that. She had to work tuesday and would be flying out wednsday morning. We then got off the phone and decided to call it a night... but not much sleep was to be had... all things considered.

Bad News:
On Monday Feb 28 something horrible happened.
The roads in Anton where foggy and my mother was involved with an accident with a semi. She was killed instantly. I won't be on for a while. I don't really have time to say much more but I figured some of you might know. Feel free to pass it around as I don't have time to send out individual messages.

I'll type/talk to yall sometime much later.

I'm starting to wonder just how many people realize that I totally sell products on my website... I just found out that my little sis didn't realize that I sold t-shirts with some of my artwork on them. I also sell mousepads... as well as a clock with my frogfaery on it. Perhaps I should advertise more often huh?

Well... I promised that I'd update this as soon as I got back... this isn't as soon as I got back but it's close enough... I've had quite a bit to do since then and really... I still have plenty to do.

I don't know how to start so I'll start at the beginning and we'll see how this goes:

Friday:
First my shuttle was here waiting for me when I got home from school... I left in such a hurry that I forgot to bring food and drink but I figured that I’d be in Dallas in a few hours and that it would be alright. I showed up on time and saw that my plane was also on time... odd considering all the rain. I waited around by the gate for a while until about 30 min before my plane was to leave when I looked up and realized that the time posted for my flight had changed from 6:50 to 8:10. I went and asked and I would not be able to make my flight that I had to catch in El Paso to get to Dallas. (I was flying from Phoenix to El Paso, from El Pas to Dallas). So I got in touch with someone who set me up to go through Albequirky (I know it's misspelled). But now instead of arriving around 10:00 at night I would be arriving around 12:30. So I called Mary with my phone card (which ate up a bitch load of minuets because it was through a pay phone... Nazi bastards!) and told her when I’d be arriving. I waited and waited and waited... I thought my flight would be leaving around 8:30... but it didn't leave until about 9:30! When my plane was boarding however, I was told that I had to go back through security! Apparently when I got things figure out and my flight rerouted, they flagged me for random screening! So I had to go back through security and have them search all my stuff! Everything! They had to pull it all out, inspect it, and repack it... not to mention give me a pat-down... all the while my plane is BOARDING! But I still got on the plane... it was alright. I was afraid that I would be stranded in Albuquerque by then! But it turned out that particular plane was the same one that was going to be flying to Dallas... so I couldn't possibly miss it. I arrived in Dallas around 1:30... it was horrible... I was very tired. But Mary was waiting for me at baggage claim... so I was just glad I was there. We went out to eat... I was starving; I had only gotten a few peanuts and some Ritz crackers... and my two complimentary drinks on the flight. After we ate we went to one of Mary's friend's houses and I slept on her couch.

Saturday:
The next morning I was feeling very ill... I knew I would be. But my mother had given me some little pills that she spoke very highly of. I took one and it fixed me right up no problem. We spent that day moving Mary into her new apartment... which was a lot of carrying heavy boxes and furniture up some crazy stairs. After everyone had left we just made ourselves comfortable... Mary fell asleep in my arms on their new couch (which is really just a two-seater love seat). After while we decided to get up and go to her parent’s house to grab some more stuff. We stopped by her friends house (who was with us) so she could grab some things. On our way to her parent’s house though we ran into a bit of trouble. Mary was tired, the roads where wet, and the road we where on was not the best of roads. We ran a bit off the road, Mary over-corrected, we hydro-planed, swerved all over the place, almost hit an on-coming car, I grabbed the wheel and pulled us off the road, we missed the car, we barely missed a mailbox but we went over a driveway where as the ditches didn't allow the passenger side front wheel to be so lucky... it was basically scraped off of the car by the driveway... and we settled in a ditch in someone's yard. If our wheel hadn't have come off... we would have likely ended up in someone’s house instead of in a ditch. But everyone was alright... Mary was really shaken up though and I was glad I was there if only to be there for her. Actually I was abnormally calm... all things considered. Even when we where swerving on the road and we almost hit that other car... I was calm. After we came to a stop and I saw the extent of the damage I was still calm. I had just been in what could have easily been a potentially fatal accident and my nerves where calm. My hands where not shaking and I was not amped up on adrenalin. I did start shivering eventually... but that was because it was cold and wet. I was rather freaked out by my not being freaked out. Actually... I pretty much decided that I couldn't afford to freak out. Mary needed me to be calm for her.
We called a few people... which eventually included her father. A nice man who saw we where in trouble let us use his flashlight to see the damage. It appeared to me as if the CV Joint had just busted off. Considering the fact that the car was still running after we came to a stop... I think the engine was fine. Mary's parents showed up eventually... after everyone else we called showed up (only because they where called last... and Mary really didn't want to call her dad). But they where just glad she was ok. We called a wrecker to come out and get the car... since it wasn't going anywhere with only three wheels and buried in the mud. We went to her parents’ house and started packing all the stuff we needed to take... which was mostly bedding and the like. Her mother drove us home (everyone else parted ways after we left, including the friend... or was it just before? I'm not sure) and dropped us off at the new apartment. We watched a short movie and fell asleep... well... actually Mary fell asleep, I couldn't sleep. My brain just wouldn't shut up and my stomach was back to bothering me again. So I took another pill, washed my face, and went back to bed... where I slept.

Sunday:
I felt better in the morning... well we woke up well after noon. we where both exhausted from the trip and the wreck. We didn't spend much time there... we went back to Mary's parent's house and waited around till they cooked supper. Her dad is a REALLY good cook... and he cooks the way I like it! With the meat well done... with crispy edges... but still moist on the inside. I loved it. Afterwards, we packed up quite a bit of heavy boxes in the back of Mary's mom's truck (which we had been borrowing and she will be borrowing until her car gets fixed). We drove back to the apartment and Mary and I unloaded it all... that was hell... that stuff was HEAVY! It was mostly her movie collection... which is MASSIVE! After that we went shopping and bought her stuff that she would need throughout this next week. After we got all that situated, we helped her roommate take a few boxes up and then we sat down and looked through Mary's photo albums. I was extremely tired though... not having slept well in the last two nights, so I crashed before we could get through them all (yes, she has that many photo albums... the girl is a picture fiend!).

Monday (Valentines day):
I woke up with Mary beside me (had I mentioned we where sleeping in the same bed? it was nice... much better than cuddling with a pillow, LOL... and no, we didn't do anything but sleeping/cuddling, in case you where wondering). She got her wake-up call and she had to be off to work (yep, working on Valentines day). She headed out but I still had some stuff to occupy my time. I had to have a self portrait done by the next day (I would be flying home on Tuesday and have to go to school that night). However, the portrait only took me about an hour. Mary left at 2:00... she would be home around 7:30... it was about 3:00... I had plenty of time to kill. So I put her computer together, installed the new mouse, and fixed her computer up so that it would run faster... it had been having issues lately and I figured I would take care of a few. I did a disk clean-up and I tried to do a scan-disk but it kept restarting. So I ran Adaware then scanned for viruses... she was full of them. I then tried a scandisk again... which worked. I then did a defrag... but I'm not sure if it worked or not because she's got a password set up when her screen-saver comes up... so I had to restart the computer to do anything with it. But it was fine... it was all up and running faster than it had been in a long time. I took a short nap and then ate something and basically waited for her to get back home.
After she got home we did a few things around the house... put some stuff in the cabinets... tried looking for the DVD remote and waited for some of her friends to come over. After they did, we watched an anime (Fruits Basket) and got through the first two disks... but I was tired and ready to crash. I had an early flight in the morning and we would need to leave for the airport in three to four hours! So we kicked one of the friends out... the other slept on the couch. I slept well... I wish it could have lasted longer.

Tuesday:
We woke up a few hours after going to sleep and where really reluctant to go to the airport. We procrastinated pretty badly... and spent a good amount of time holding eat other tight. I must say that I really didn't want to let go... but I knew that we had to leave. I got up and got dressed (changed clothes... I was not naked). We headed out to the airport and despite our not having the directions with us... we made it without any problems. Mary was in a poor state indeed. We spent some more time in the airport procrastinating and holding onto each other. She was crying... but it wasn't all that bad... then I had to go for real... actually leave her... and she started sobbing pretty heavily. I wish I could have stayed... It would have been nice... though I have no idea what I’d do... and I had to come back for school. DAMN THE ART ISNTITUTE OF DALLAS FOR NOT HAVING MY PROGRAM! I got through security without a hitch. On the way out to El Paso, I slept... I was tired... I didn't wake up until the plane landed... which was quite bumpy. After I got my boarding pass printed off, I sat down and waited for 3 hours before my next flight... My choices of entertainment where soaps or the news... I chose to take a short nap (but never really lost consciousness... best to keep one's guard up in an airport). When I was about to board the plane a lady (not much older than my mother) started talking to me about different things… mostly where I was from, where I was going. This is the lady who would I would eventually sell a hug to for $20… this will be further explained later. We continued our conversation on the plane and we pretty much agreed with each other about everything. She was devoutly Christian and I could fake it well enough to pass… actually I could fake it VERY well… I’m actually so good that I could preach, should I feel so inclined, and I could give very powerful and convincing sermons. I never once lied to the woman though… and I did agree with her about the things we talked about. During the course of the conversation we talked about each other’s lives and of course my being a poor college student came up pretty often… since I am a poor college student. When the plane landed I got my stuff out of the over-head compartment and she reached her hand out like she wanted help standing up. I was more than happy to accommodate her. But when I got my hand back there was a 20 dollar bill in it. I looked at it and she said “I wanted to give you something for your troubles… I thought 10 at first, but you where so nice…” I said “I’d refuse… but I don’t have enough money to be so proud.” She responded with: “It would hurt my feelings if you didn’t accept it.” Then she told me that if I just gave her a hug that she would consider it payment for the hug because she didn’t get to hug her own children very often. Needless to say, I was very grateful.
I got home without a hitch and was ready for school in no time. From there it’s business as usual.

Mary was kind enough to give me a $50 gift card to Wal-Mart… and with that $20 from that hug I sold I’ll be well off for the next few weeks. I’m going to try and make it go a long ways though… I’m making sure it lasts. I’ll probably go shopping tomorrow… since I have nothing to drink now. I’ll also be out looking for a job again this weekend… I think my luck is turning around. I have a damn good chance. ^_^

Allright I had another dream with my dearest Mary in it. I've decided on a list of dreams that I have to have and their content. I have to have one where we have mad passionate love, that one was taken care of a while ago... and several times since. I have to have one where we take care of a kid, that one was just recently taken care of. I have to have one where I just hold her (waiting for that one) and I have to have one where I protect/save her from something (which I'm about to go into).

It was very strange... I remember something about devil worshiping... I had to eat something strange... it was basically oats, blood, brains, and broccoli. yep, don't ask. It was odd. Then I remember that there was a man of great power and influence and he had several concubines that he had just recently acquired. One of which was Mary... but I didn't realize this until he started showing them off and we recognized each other... but made sure no one else noticed that we had. We started mingling and what not and I was able to wisper to her that I was going to get her out of there. It was a horrible and evil place... neither of us had any business being there. She had been stolen away... I forget why I was there. I then pretended to be all mean, forceful and domineering. I grabbed Mary by her shirt and proclaimed to the room that I "liked this one" and that I would be taking her up to a private room. I said it so forcefully that no one dared to question me. That and the funny stuff we ate earlier had put most of the other guys out of commission and i wasn't affected by it in the least. However, the guy of power realized that I was actually a good guy and as soon as we got off the elevator and into what apeared to be a bar at ground level (we where far underground) we where attacked by life sized oriental dolls wearing kimonos and had papers with caligraphy stuck to their foreheads. They wore pink dresses and their faces where made of porcelean. I used my magick on them (gotta love the powers I posses in my dreams) and managed to keep them at bay while we jumped out the window. Mary wasn't doing so well... some kind of spell was on her. I only knew that we had to get as far away from them as possible. The next bit was strange... I decided to take a boat... had a guy promis me that if I could fix his boat that he'd take me wherever I wanted to go... so I just replaced a chain that he had that was broken... actually he gave me the broken one and I used my magick to make a new one by reaching into the ground like it was water and simply pulling out a new one. Then it got hazzy and there was something about jet packs and scuba diving... but I really can't remember it. The important thing is, I saved Mary. ^_^

The reasons I picked those themes are simple. They are themes I associate with my feelings. I'm horney, I want to hold her, I have a "knight in shining armor" complex in that I can't resist a "damsel in distress", and ... I do so love babies. ^_^

Well... enough of the mushy stuff.
Expect more and more dreams to be comming.

I've now got a mailing list set up so I can inform friends/family/fans of updates to my website and/or my EW gallery. Feel free to join at: http://ngal.fateback.com/mailinglist.html

New dream:
This one, oddly enough, had [Hedda] in it. Yep, I don't even know the guy, he lives in some other country, but somhow he worked his way into a dream. that's a very rare occasion.

Basically as far back as I can remember was that [Hedda] had a brother who lived in the States, who died. This brother had a son (an infant) and for some reason or another [Hedda] didn't trust anyone to deliver the child... some kind of conspiracy was going on. So he charged me with the transportation of the child. Along the way I picked up my girlfriend from Texas. We then drove to Sweden (yes, drove). Along the way she and I took care of the kid. We changed him, fed him, cleaned him, etc... All in all, he was a very good kid, and only got fussy every-once-in-a-while. When we arived it had a rather christmasy feel to it all. But [Hedda] was nowhere to be found. His family was really strange they where all elves (of normal height, not the kind Santa employees). They didn't believe me that the kid was [Hedda]'s brothers. They demanded proof. I showed them a sheet of paper which was a paternity test, proving that [Hedda]'s brother was the father but they wouldn't hear any of it. They ended up tieing us up and just generally harrassing us. It was mostly just an older man (probably in his 30's) a woman (about the same age) and a girl (who was about 13) (granted, they where all elves and their ages might not be accurate, that's just how they appeared). The man continued to question me and the baby was crying by then. They did nothing and it really started to get on my nerves. I couldn't believe that people could be so ignorant. I asked the guy "how can I make you believe me?" and he replied with "if you can prove who the child's father is." I of course, had allready shown proof. I had had enough. I yelled "That's it!" and instantly the ropes moved through me like I was made of smoke. I said something to the effect of "I've been resisting the urge to do this, but you've left me with no choice." I then reached out with my mind and picked the guy up in the air (telekineses, I'm not touching him). I then began to slam him against the walls. He had powerful magick of his own but I wasn't about to let him use it. I began to try and weave some spells but I figured if I spun him up and made him dizzy then he wouldn't be able to do anything. That's what I did, I spun him up really fast. I'm chanting this whole time to help counteract any spells they're using on me. Then the other two come in and use their magick to try and stabilize him. He was high in the air so I just let him go. They tried to lower him slowly so they where distracted. I grabed the little girl with my mind, lifted her up and immediately began to spin her. The man fell to the ground and the woman ran over to him. I then threw the little girl at the both of them. I ran into the next room, which looked an aweful lot like my grandparents living room. Inside there where several ancient elves. I told them of the story, but they seemed rather senile. However, they knew enough to know whose the kid was and they appoligized for their grandchildrens behavior. I went to go untie my girlfriend and that's about when I woke up.

Odd huh? [Hedda] only really showed up at the begining to tell me (via videophone) to deliver the kid. It was all very strange. I also think [Hedda] was a body builder or something... he was certainly much more muscular than his ET photos would suggest. *shrugs* that's dreams for ya! o.0

For all those who read this, I did decide on what I was going to do about my previous entry. I'm going to Dallas. The tickets are bought and payed for. The fun part now, is surviving long enough to get a job. I have no cash and $12 available on my credit card. I might be able to get $40 from my room mate for his half of the bills... not sure how I'm gong to pay next months bills... but I'll figure it out. This weekend I'll probably head out to the new walmart and see about applying there... this time saying I can work more often and telling them to call me in the afternoons instead of on the weekends. I'm going to get this to work. I need money desperately. This is going to be pretty hard on me. I'm stressing out more than usual. Projects pile up... limited funds... it's all rather frustrating. But at least I'll still be able to see Mary in 9 days or so. I'll be there on friday the 11th. and be back on tuesday the 15th. Midterms are next week. That means that this week I'll have a ton of work... and next week I should be relatively light in load. Right this moment, I'm not having any fun. I'm tired, my head hurts, I'm frustrated, and I'm a little depressed, but there is that one thing that's keeping my spirits up... and I'll get to see her in 9 days. Just as an example... to show you how poor I am: I cannot do my laundry. That's right. I don't have any cash... no quarters... and dirty laundry. *sigh* I don't know what I'm going to do about that. I suppose I might be able to bum a few bucks off of a friend... or ask my room mate for that advance on the bills rather early... but I'm trying not to be too much of a burden on the people around me. I'll do allright though. I'm a surviver.

I'm having a delema... and it's pissing me off that I have to think about it. Here it is summed up:

Mary and I want me to fly down to Dallas so I can help her move in. I never really thought about it... it wasn't that big of a deal. But then she realized that it would put me there on valintines day. That's not that big of a deal either. Neither of us have ever been too fond of that particular holiday. Thinking it little more than a reminder of how pittifully lonely we where. But now we both have somone... and if I'm not there, I'm afraid that it will once again be a reminder of how pittifully lonely we are. I want to be there more than anything... but here's the issues:

Money... it will cost a total of approx $340 for me to get there and back... which she has offered to pay. That's quite a bit of money. I have no money... I can't even contribute to that in the least. I'm stone broke. I can relinquish my pride for her and accept it as a gift... or as paymet to help her move in (though that's damn expensive for what little work my atrophied arms can do, LOL). Still... she's moving into a new place, going to be out on her own... I want to be SURE she'll be allright and although she and a few others have told me that I'm worth the world, I just don't see it. Then there's the other issue. I SHOULD have a job by then. Hopefully I will. And I don't know when they're going to be scheduling me... and I might not be a selling point that I be able to work valintines weekend. So really... the delema is all about money. If I had money to blow out my ass, I'de be there... but I don't... and she doesn't... and I know she couldn't possibly think of me as one... but I don't want to be a burden. But at the same time... I want to be there for her.

This is angering me greatly. I'm just plain pissed at myself. I want to be there for her... and I know that with what she's got... she can afford this... My mind tells me that it's not financially sound... my hearts is telling me I'm a worthless lazy bastard for even having to think twice about it.

I'm making my mind up today no matter what though... otherwise the plane tickets will be far too expensive. I want to say I'll be there... but I just don't know. >.<

Mary finally got the gift I sent her, a gorgeous drawing of my holding her with angel wings wraping around us both. I wrote some really romantic stuff on it. I don't remember them word for word but I'll try:
On the front is a poem, no it doesn't rhyme:
"When I can't, my arms ache to hold you.
When I am, my arms ache greater still,
Knowing it will not last forever.
Knowing forever isn't enough."

On the back it had written a much longer piece... I'll have to think hard to remember what it said. I won't get this one word for word. Mary will probably have to correct me. @_@
"Know that into each piece of my artwork I pour my soul. Moreover into this piece I have poured my heart. Thusly in your posession is not only a representation of my love for you but also a piece of my heart and soul. No matter wehre I am, no matter the distance between us, I will never be further from you than this image.
With all my love,
With all my heart,
Nathaniel"

In any case, I'm a very happy person. I'm dirt broke, I have no job, no way of getting money. But I've got a roof over my head, and for now I've got food in my cubbard and gas in my car. And even if I lost all that, I've got Mary, and that still makes me smile.

Allright, now I need to feel more masculine. I'de like to say here that I recently blew something up, or did something with my car, that I managed some feat of phisical prowess, or have otherwise been victorious over some difficult task... but in reality my days are spent doing school work and wathing whatever comes on the TV... which tends to be things like "stepmom" and "message in a bottle". Thank god for the discovery channel, my only doses of testosterone are derived from shows like "American Choppers" and "Myth Busters" among others. I really do miss being back home, being able to burn things. I miss being out in the middle of nowhere, where you can smash things to bits and no one cares, where you can run around stark naked in the fields and there's no one around to complain. Wait... er... that's not all that masculine is that? LOL, that's a joke btw... but seriously, you could run around stark naked and no one would be around to see. Above all else though, and this isn't a testiment to my masculinity, I miss my Mary. I want to be there for her, hold her, feel useful for a change.

For now things are going allright. I'm good for at least a few more weeks and I've got so many backup plans it's rediculous. More than a few of them, however, are a bit shady and I doubt Mary would approve of. Nah, the plan is simple. If walmart doesn't call this weekend, then on monday I'll be looking around to see if I can get a job with a local animal boarding facility. I've got about a year and a half's worth of experience as a kennel technition, that's more than enough to get me hired just about anywhere... if they're looking for a part time employee that is. :/ I've got one person I can call to see if she knows any good vets that are hiring and I can work from there. I don't want to have my resume be so filled with similiar jobs but at least it shows consistency. At this point, I would be a great asset to any employer, I need the money, and wouldn't risk ANYTHING that could jepordize that. Right now, I just need some money. Just $300 a month will do me just fine. I can survive on that. But I'll aim for $400 so I can put $100 in a savings account each month. In any case, I don't think any of this is cause to worry. I'm doing fine, I'm happy. I've got the internet for at least another month, LOL, and above all else, I've got Mary... although she's 1107.77 miles away... I'm still happy. ^_^

We did figure something out, it won't be so bad. But I need a job within the next few weeks or I don't get to eat anymore. :/
I'm also not nearly as depressed. I'll be fine in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I went from being very happy to being very depressed. For some reason or another, or perhaps many reasons, I have discovered that I have far less time than I imagined. I currently only have $2 in cash and that's about it. I do have enough food to last me a little while... and I do have gas in my car. But I have no money for the bills and nothing to drink but the nasty water that comes from the sink... so full of chlorine that it might as well be pool water. This means that I may lose my internet access after this month is up, if I can't find a way to pay it before then. This also means that if I don't find a job in two weeks tops, I will then have no food, and in a few more weeks, no gas, and certainly no school supplies. Heck, if I don't get money by next week I'll have no money for sculpting supplies... and I will be screwed in that class. I could allways just drop it. But I think if I could get the supplies I could make it just fine.

I'm currently working of trying to figure out what the hell I'm going to do. I'm waiting for my mother to call me. And Mary has decided she might be willing to help me out... though I must say I have my reservations about borrowing money from her. I don't want to become that guy who takes advantage of those that love him. I feel bad enough taking money from my own parents. I also think this might just be what I need to get me out there to find a job.

In the mean time, there are levels of survival that I'm willing to accept. And I have so many backup plans it's reidculous. Some of them... no one would be too pleased about. But you do what you can to survive. If all else fails, I can allways go back home and get certified in something else, something small, and come back when I have the confidence that i could get a job. But that's the last resort. Actually the last resort alltogether is moving back to Texas and trying to become an art teacher in some small school. None of them really know a damn thing anyway, never taught me a damn thing at least. *shrugs* I'll figure this out, I'll make this work. I'm depressed but I have to turn that into motivation. My maxed out credit card has just become the fire lit under my ass (because it's in my back pocket) to get me off my ass and out there in the job world. Wish me luck, keep me in your thoughts. If I should dissapear after the end of this month, I might be able to get on at school and keep you guys updated.

Well, that's all I've got for now. :/

I'm really scatter brained now! I actually locked my keys in my car today. But luckily my car is a piece of crap so all I had to do was use my ruler to pop/pull out my window to unlock the door. That took a whole of 30 seconds. The hard part was getting it back in! That took a minuet or two.

I had an epiphiny a few days ago. I read a few offline messages from my girl back in Texas. There was nothing special about them. She was expressing how upset she was about not being able to talk to me that day when suddenly it hit me. I was in love with her! needless to say, I was in a quite the good mood thereafter.

I'm about to try and figure out what's going on with my credit card, it was declined today. Something's got to be wrong. :/

For those who are watching this but not HiddenFire Photos I've added a few new ones. I've now got one of me topless, I figured somone might enjoy those. Just don't enjoy them too much. And to show off my inhuman flexability, and to cause people pain just by viewing them, I've pictured some of my contortionist-esque tricks. Well worth seeing.

On a more than slightly higher note, I recently came to an interesting epiphany. While reading some offline messages Mary sent me a few days ago it hit me. Now the messages weren't much, just her expressing how upset she was that she didn't get to talk with me. Still, that was enough. I realized that I had actually fallen in love. Yep, don't ask, I don't know either. It makes no sense, but I figured it didn't have to. I've been in a pretty damn good mood sense. ^_^

On a financial note, things are still not going well at all. I've only got $2 in my wallet and my credit card was declined today for some bizzar reason. It has money on it, there's no reason why it should have been declined. I'll figure it out. I'm about to check my ballance on the card. I'm not too happy about all that. :/