Friends are the greatest treasures that anyone could possibly have, especially when you know that they care about you as much as you care about them. I would, honestly, do anything for my friends if they asked it of me, and if I deem it more important than what I have planned, lol. I'm not that selfish, hell, I hardly tell people what is going on in my own mind and I guess that that must fruterate some people, including some of my closer friends. They seldomly ask whats wrong and I am grateful for that because I can never really describe what is wrong or what is bothering me, words are always so inadequate, they just don't get messages across. It would be better if you could just show the people what is wrong, or let them into your mind temporarily so that they can see for themselves what is wrong and how I am actually feeling. It would be much simpler that way and I wouldn't have to fight with my tied tongue every time I try to say something as to what I am thinking and how I am feeling and stuff, including my opinion. It gets so frustrating when I can't explain or describe anything, no one ever gets that I don't have an opinion, I don't make opinions about anything, well, not conciously anyway. When ever somebody asks me what I am thinking, the only thing I can really reply with is that my mind is a complete blank or absolutely nothing. It is rare for me to have thoughts rolling around in my head, if I think I have to write it down or say it out loud so that I know what I am thinking and I can think on that as well. Otherwise, well, what would be the point in thinking. Lol. My point of views must seem really awkward, but that is the way I feel about trying to use words to describe things, I can't, well, I can but it is really difficult, I am not gifted with speech the way other people are, I am gifted with words, paints (ceramics) and what ever artistic skill that I can get the hang of, but not speech. I could probably get a hold of music, if I tried hard enough, but that is really difficult as well. Well, I'll write more when I feel like it, bye.

Hmm, at times I wish that my friends would just leave me alone, leave my personal life alone but if they actually did that, boy would life be boring, lol. I love all my friends, dearly not queerly, and I care about them more than I care about my own life and I would do anything for them, if only they didn't leave me. I have a friend who is trying to set me up with a guy, another who is trying to keep me from suicide, another who plays cards with me all lunch, another who is also an artist tho in a different area (she draws and paints on paper, I pain on ceramics) and finally a friend who just comforts me with his presence (the one my friend is trying to set me up with). Well, that is all I wanted to say this time.

I've been thinking that lately there is not enough for people to live for, including me. I figure that the best thing to live for is another person, mainly a sweetheart or someone you can think of as a very close friend. I have my guy that I want to live for, mainly because he doesn't like people who try to commit suicide, lol. Anyway, he is such a cutey and so sweet too, but he is also an asshole and, I think he maybe, a druggy. I wouldn't go out with him tho, it would never work between us and he has already agreed with that theory.

Holy cow this is such a tiring day. There is nothing to do and I wish that I could have gone swimming lastnight to talk to a couple of friends rather than sit at home and pretend that everything is fine and dandy. I couldn't go swimming because my bloody bowels are acting up, again. I don't know whether or not I am going to have the runs or if my shit is going to come out solid or if it is going to come out at all. Everything is so confusing and mind boggling, I feel like I am in a dream where nothing is going to make sense for the longest time and the world is tilting every which way possible. This is so abnormal, I have not felt this way for quite a long while and I wish that I had someone whom I could lean against like I have in my dreams. I sometimes imagine that I am reaching back and someone takes my hand warmly in their's. How bloody stupid of me to think that that would ever happen, no one really cares about me and that is finale.

When the sky literally turns red then that is when I shall be leaving for for me there is no rest. I can not sleep during the day and when I do manage it is as if I have gotten no rest. There is no rest for the wicked.

I can't believe that so much has happened in 4 days and though there are consequences, those consequences have consequences. Every action has a consequence and every consequence has a consequence.

Today, April 13, 2003, is the day that my sleep over ends. I have watched a movie but I can't seem to be able to let my friend go for some reason. She is allergic to my cat. I have been sad for many days now and I don't know why, everything just seems a little crazy. I can't concentrate on shit for all that I am worth.

I'm so tired that I can still barely keep my eyes open. I barely got any sleep lastnight and am wishing that it had not happened that way. I have been trying to work on my homework but I don't have everything that I need to even start working on it. I keep burning insence because it helps me relax and be able to think. It is my physical anchor/leverage in this world, it keeps me living. But it is not a good idea to keep burning them.

Last night I actually slept and awoke feeling groggy and more tired than usual but feeling rested. I had a dream but I can't remember much of it, which is probably a good thing. Dreams come and go like the wind, the sun and the moon but they last a long time.

, guy. Near the stories end I had my head resting on his hip. At the end, we were all asleep and I was right behind him with my arms around him. In the morning I awoke to find that he was gone. I headed for the kitchen and found a girl that looked like me with long hair. A little later I was sitting in this strange room with the guy right infront of me. We were talking about the story which we both assumed was our past from some time ago. We discussed a lot like why I had to kill him instead of him just killing me. I had to awaken by them so he asked for my name and I gave it just before I had awakened.
-Tykao

Dear Diary

 Let's see, lastnight I had a dream about a guy. I entered a room filled with people, I think that it was a type of mixed slumber party. Someone was telling a story about a vampire who fell in love with a girl. He chaced her through the town the town to the hospital and said that he wanted her to be with him always. I pictured all of this in my head and realized that the story was about me and a certain.