I just noticed that many of my relationships end because I have a depression problem... I dont get it

New pictures on
darkness has its beauty 5
semi new on
darkness has its beauty 4

Im sorry if Im rude or somthing or depressing today. I did not have a good night last night. Some of you may have heard about it already some may not have. Thank you very much monkey for being there when I needed you.

Now this is the reason why I should not get even slightly bored
common words that are in et names and how many memebers have them in thier name some of the et members are probaly count more then once
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420-57 member(s)
xxx-58 member(s)
goth-52 member(s)
death-93 member(s)
dead-72 member(s)
sad-22 member(s)
suicide-16 member(s)
blood-88 member(s)
dark-201 member(s)
murder-14 member(s)
killer-54 member(s)
night-115 member(s)
razorblade-10 member(s)
broke-57 member(s)
bleed-20 member(s)
black-128 member(s)
fire-91 member(s)
blade-38 member(s)
bad-43 member(s)
cry-29 member(s)
wrist-6 member(s)
cyber-14 member(s)
freak-68 member(s)
slave-5 member(s)
sex-191 member(s)
gay-12 member(s)
love-203 member(s)
angel-201 member(s)
devil-73 member(s)
666-81 member(s)
999-10 member(s)
hate-31 member(s)
perfect-12 member(s)
drug-7 member(s)
deamon-3 member(s)
forgot-8 member(s)
knight-18 member(s)
vampire-47 member(s)
soul-81 member(s)
empty-5 member(s)
lost-52 member(s)
juggal-24 member(s)
hot-148 member(s)
sexy-145 member(s)
beaut-57 member(s)
pain-25 member(s)
bullet-10 member(s)
stab-3 member(s)
hang-18 member(s)
sweet-82 member(s)
straight jacket-2 member(s)
trouble-5 member(s)
kitty-46 member(s)
wicked-10 member(s)
psyhco-4 member(s)
dragon-120 member(s)
god-75 member(s)
slut-3 member(s)
whore-8 member(s)
teen-22 member(s)
baby-143 member(s)
crazy-54 member(s)
anime-7 member(s)
lesbian-5 member(s)
skull-7 member(s)
child-64 member(s)
elf-140 member(s)
leo-21 member(s)
aquarius-1 member(s)
Libra-0 member(s)
Gemini-2 member(s)
cancer-2 member(s)
scorpio-0 member(s)
pisces-0 member(s)
virgo-0 member(s)
taurus-0 member(s)
capricorn-0 member(s)
aries-1 member(s)
sagittarius-0 member(s)
♥-57 member(s)
☆-4 member(s)
virgin-5 member(s)
~ -201 member(s)
ass-111 member(s)
party-14 member(s)

Why cant I do this why cant I even read what she writes nor look in the mirror without crying? I make myself sick with headaches stomaches and what ever achesI have by thinking about what ive lost. I know I lost it but even if I could get it back after losing it I dont think Id want it back just for the sake of protecting myself. My hands shake I can barely stand up or write my school notes. I hide my face beyond my dark hair so no one can see my eyes that tell so much of the soul. Some days Ive made myself so depressed I start to puck I do not let my mom know about this I fear that I would make her worry to much with that. Each breath I take is just abit harder. I got a single little cut done by a sadden artist on my wrist I lie and say its a cat scratch I use to never lie about it now look at me. I can barely take not hurting myself for the simple fact that it was my fix for everything and it did seem to help now it just torments my mind beyond my power. I go threw my days nothing changes Im turning into a robot doing the same thing everyday I do no like that. I get high more often and I always told myself Id never do that but now look at me. I want to ask for help but I dont know what I want to ask for help for. I know that if I ask for the wrong kind of help Im gonna be gone for so long but then everyone might forget me then.
~~~~ My Broken Little Pieces ~~~~

My last words may be I loved you till the end, They may be I hate You,I deserved better, I will be the only one to know you or anyone else may never know only I but by then Ill be long gone to the place after death
Im sorry to who ever acctually even gave a shit about me
  ~~Memory quickly forgotten~~

I breath in and think what should I do. Are my tears simply wasted on people who dont even care im crying. Are my screams for help only will land on deaf ears. My hair covering a face so use to smiling.Being touched burns my skin.So much wondering unsure if Im lost or dying.Told I need to just live knowing there is more then that that thier experiences are so much different from mine. them never have been hurt so they dont understand. Thinking to myself what have i do to deserve this. Ive always been a nice person and I say my opion like a good friend should I lie when i know itll make them feel better if they are so low there is no where to go after that. So tried I dont have the engry to even sleep. what was I suppose to say when my heart hurts from not knowing what is going on.

Im sorry about this i dont know if you'll read this i dont think anyone will thats ok cause its really only to myself
to many thoughts of cutting makes my hands go to my wallet to find an old friends that is my razor blades still sharp like always might as well forget what i have told people cause sharp pain upon my wrist releases the tension inside

There is so much going on in my life now and all I want to do is scream stop but its as if my vocal cords have been ripped out of thoart. So no words come out of my mouth that needs and wants to speak so much. Im so lost mentally in what I should and what I shouldnt do whats right, whats wrong. I fear as if I do not know the words that needd to be spoken to people I dearly care about and I know they need to hear them. Am I trully just a silly silly 15 yearold girl losing her place once again in the world. Losing the footing she went threw so much to gain once more. Trust lost for unknown reasons. Suicide talking from those closest and not knowning of what to say. Feeling bad for pain caused but yet uncaused by myself. No more sharp things moving deeply across my wrist for making sure Im still alive. Knowing what I live threw, the love I feel for the people closest to me wishing I just could be there how I should be. Knowing Im wishing for impossibltys to form. Will praying to a god I dont even believe in, to cause the impossible to happen. Would it get me threw somthin that may be so diffcult to get threw. About when I use to pray to him so many times a day asking and pleading him for good to come. Laying in my bed tears upon face sting dark eyes. beating my hands trying to make them break just trying to break my body in hopes that all things would stop being as they are. Praying for death to come to a face stained with tears. Will any of that help me get through these things that have come in to my life so unexpected. Should I go back to sharp blades and tears or should i put my hair up my back straight and proud as thou I was acctually strong and try to get threw it.

Okie dokie I dont know if any of you will be reading this and Im sorry. I am now grounded because of my little brother he said I was beating on him when I didnt even touch him. My mother wants to send me to fostercare because I guess Im just not wanted anymore. Maybe I'll end up in another state where people will really acctually care about me. Im really not a bad person, and it hurts so much not to be wanted by my own mother.
She said that I could just go live somewhere else if that meant at a friends house, familys house (my family dont want me either), or on the streets where its cold. I did leave for an hour but I couldnt find a place to a stay so I decided to go to my house sneak in and sleep somewhere warm. Im grounded till they figure out what to do with me so Im only gonna be able to come on when at school or parents arent home.
I thought of killing myself many a time but I knew I have to stay alive. Im still needed on this earth I just dont think Im needed anymore here in My town in montana.
Chris I dont have your letter mailed and I dont when Ill be able to get it mailed. Im gonna write you everyday or try to atleast.
Love you all,
Autumn (beautiful _ darkness)

this song reminds me of chris mostly the first 4 lines


I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
but she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change

And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it’s got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Ooh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
cleaning up the mess he made

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without warmth from
A woman's good, good heart

On behalf of every man
looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters, too

OK well im deiciding to cut my hair short but im not sure what kinda short hiarstyle i want anyone go give me suggestions at short hair cuts

I say one word or do one simple thing and everything goes wrong
Im sick of this im sick of life there is no point ive been trying so hard and things a finally working out and no one can see it
Im sorry Im not good enough anymore for anyone

Because of you tonight tears fill my eyes
Like a rain storm
I don’t blame you for my tears
No I blame no one for that
You told me things I never wanted to hear
I thank you for the truth
But did the truth
Have to hurt this hard
I thought I was strong without my walls
Now I know
They are the only thing holding me up
Am I cursed to knowing a truth?
A truth not wanting to know
Were you worth the tears?
That cried me to sleep
For some many months
You talked about a death
Not really wanted
I tried so hard to stop you
Then I realized
How dead you were to me already

sorry I havent updated for joke of the day and quote of the day I have been very busy with school and dealing with the drama school brings -glares at school drama-

Three friends that are moms are talking together about their daughters.

One is a brunette, one is a redhead and the other is a blond.

The brunette says, "I found some cigarettes in my daughter's room and I didn't know she smoked."

The redhead says, "I found a book in my daughter's room and I didn't know she could read."

Then the blond says, "I found some condoms in my daughter's room and I didn't know she had a penis."

quote
"cherry flavored anti acid" from a song on the radio

Am I suppose to love someone if they love me am I suppose to love them back
Or am I suppose to break their heart and feel the guilt I have for doing so

Joke of the day Sunday 21 (sorry I missed yesterday was busy cleaning)

A drunk staggers into a Catholic church and makes his way into the confession box. He says nothing.

The bewildered priest coughs to catch the man's attention, but the man stays silent. Then the priest knocks on the wall three times in final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knocking, pal. There's no toilet paper in this one either."

Quote Of The Day
This sucks big hairy monkey balls

Joke of the day Friday August 19th
A little boy wanted to walk his dog, so he asked his mom if he could.

"Well, you better go ask your dad, because she is in heat, and he can help you out." said his mom.

The little boy went out to the garage and found his dad. Where he asked, "Dad, can I take the dog for a walk? Mom said you could help me out because she is in heat."

"Sure you can son," he replied. "Just bring her over here first, and we'll get her all fixed up."

So the boy takes his dog over to his dad. His dad then pours gasoline all over his dog. And then tells him, "There you go, have a good walk."

The little boy heads out for his walk with his dog. He is gone for several hours, and the returns without his dog. His parents wonder what happened to the dog.

His mom asks, "Where did your dog go son?"

The little boy replied, "Oh, she ran out of gas a few blocks back, and another dog is pushing her home."

JOKE OF THE DAY
Midgets shouldnt sing

JOKE OF THE DAY THURSDAY AUGUST 18TH

Two weeks ago was my birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember."

The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then, my secretary knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go. We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place.

We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday... and there on the couch I sat... naked


QUOTE OF THE DAY

Have you ever tried to cut a thing with a chainsaw that was once living