[beautiful _ darkness]'s diary
Written about Wednesday 2006-04-12
Written: (6799 days ago)
[.....please..........]
Why cant I do this why cant I even read what she writes nor look in the mirror without crying? I make myself sick with headaches stomaches and what ever achesI have by thinking about what ive lost. I know I lost it but even if I could get it back after losing it I dont think Id want it back just for the sake of protecting myself. My hands shake I can barely stand up or write my school notes. I hide my face beyond my dark hair so no one can see my eyes that tell so much of the soul. Some days Ive made myself so depressed I start to puck I do not let my mom know about this I fear that I would make her worry to much with that. Each breath I take is just abit harder. I got a single little cut done by a sadden artist on my wrist I lie and say its a cat scratch I use to never lie about it now look at me. I can barely take not hurting myself for the simple fact that it was my fix for everything and it did seem to help now it just torments my mind beyond my power. I go threw my days nothing changes Im turning into a robot doing the same thing everyday I do no like that. I get high more often and I always told myself Id never do that but now look at me. I want to ask for help but I dont know what I want to ask for help for. I know that if I ask for the wrong kind of help Im gonna be gone for so long but then everyone might forget me then.
~~~~ My Broken Little Pieces ~~~~
[KILL ME PLEASE BEFORE I KILL ME]
Colouring Competition 3_Poll vote for fav
I thought that maybe you guys might find this convo intersting I did... changed the guys name so you cant contact him but the fall_angel13 is me
[18:35:43] fall_angel13: you still mad at me about the religion thing
[18:35:50] bradydar: ya
[18:36:19] fall_angel13: why?
[18:36:31] bradydar: cuz im a religious person
[18:36:57] fall_angel13: no reason to get mad at me
[18:37:14] fall_angel13: im not but im not aint relgion either
[18:39:35] fall_angel13: I think its fine for to believe as they like but Im not gonna tell them different
[18:40:05] fall_angel13: I believe that there is somthin powerful out there and I dont need to know what it is till I die
[18:41:35] bradydar: well they wont accept u unless u at least believe in them 4 a long time
[18:42:27] fall_angel13: your opion hun
[18:43:27] fall_angel13: but does that mean a baby less then a day old that dies goes to hell because they did not believe in god for a long time
[18:43:42] bradydar: i dunno
[18:43:46] bradydar: read the bible
[18:44:08] fall_angel13: i have
[18:44:19] bradydar: the whole thing?
[18:44:26] bradydar: i highly doubt it
[18:44:42] fall_angel13: i was very religious as a young child, then well then I got put more in the real world
[18:44:54] bradydar: u dont think gods real?
[18:45:00] bradydar: gods all around us
[18:46:16] fall_angel13: maybe
[18:46:35] bradydar: he is
[18:46:48] fall_angel13: why do you believe in him Will?
[18:47:06] bradydar: because theres proof all around us
[18:47:12] bradydar: who cures cancer?
[18:47:18] bradydar: cuz theres no cure on earth yet
[18:48:01] bradydar: how u think the earth was made?.
[18:48:06] fall_angel13: no it gets cut out
[18:48:19] bradydar: i meant without surgery
[18:48:33] bradydar: n kemo doesnt work
[18:49:18] fall_angel13: well it happens and the earth I cant explane because that is not my thing
[18:50:02] fall_angel13: ive never heard somthin that told me that god could be trully real
[18:50:43] fall_angel13: Im oprn to the idea that he is real thou
[18:51:01] bradydar: ok then y dont u believe everything n follow his word?
[18:52:22] fall_angel13: because if he were real why are so many on this earth hurting and starving even if they did not do anything wrong. Why is there disese. why would someone with such great power let these things happen to his "childeren"
[18:52:44] bradydar: God tests peoples faith
[18:53:03] bradydar: y u think so many people r goin 2 hell nowadays
[18:53:19] bradydar: n plus ppl these days arent showin their love 4 God nowadays
[18:53:29] bradydar: n plus the apocalypse is comin soon
[18:53:40] bradydar: june 6th 2006
[18:53:48] bradydar: in other words 6-6-06
[18:53:50] fall_angel13: Im gonna have fun that day
[18:54:06] fall_angel13: and the world wont end its a day like any other
[18:54:20] bradydar: wuttever u believe wut u want
[18:54:31] bradydar: i kno my place is in heaven when i die
[18:54:42] bradydar: n it might b soon
[18:55:00] fall_angel13: my place I dont even know what it is to be on earth yet alone after death and Im in no rush to find out
[18:55:24] fall_angel13: I do hope that it is not soon for you
I dont know I really dont know. Ive been shackie all day I couldnt even eat lunch of breakfast. Its not my daibetes its not cuase Im getting sick. I believe dreams warn of a future if your not to careful. Maybe I should take the sign as I need to live life to its fullist. Im not sure but I do know Im scared to the point of I cant eat I cant drink and I can barely stand also Ive barely said two words today. Im so scared and Im not sure what to do. Last night I felt sick to my stomach before I fell asleep this, morning I woke up and was taking a shower and I had my eyes closed relaxing when I started slightly dream but I wasnt sleeping. Anyway the dreams stopped and everything was black then suddenly there was a skull just a skull it was all beaten and bloody. Is it just a bad dream or is it a sign of things to come? Am I overacting like my mom says?... Also someone that depresses me is back at school but I know that cant be the reason for the dream.
Maybe Its now that Im suppose to walk away just simply turn my back on everyone I thought cared for me and just simply walk away and save them from myself
[Sometimes Im so alone that Im not sure Im still living]
Im so cool, so important, and loved by everyone.... Well use to be
I know I cant say that it doesnt hurt to see someone I like with my best friend I also cant say Im not happy for the both of them. Its bothers me more then Id like. Today I had to walk away more then 10 times just so I wont hurt myself or start crying. One of these times I decided to go swing on the swing so I jumped on with one foot where your butt goes and just swung for awhile thinking. My wrist hurts also but not cause I cut persay.
well love you guys and if any of this bothers you Im sorry
report of american history enjoy
In 1692 from June to September nineteen men and women were convicted of witchcraft
and hung. One man was pressed by a large rock till he died. Many stayed in a
jail cell for months in till trail and hanging.
There is no answer to the questions that could be asked. Like why did it happen? Was it
simple teenage boredom or the war close to Salem, economic conditions, congregational strife,
and even personal jealousy? It could be a number of simple things but only you can decide what it
truly was.
In 1688 Samuel Parris was invited by John Putman one of Salem's Village elders, he was
invited to preach in the village church. A year later in 1689 the final negotiations over salary,
inflation adjustments, and free wood, Parris accepted the job as the Village Minster. Parris and his
family Elizabeth his wife, his six-year-old daughter Betty, niece Abigail Williams, and his Indian
slave Tituba moved that same year to Salem Village.
In the winter of 1692 Parris' daughter Betty became strangely ill. She dashed about, dove
under furniture, contorted in pain, and complained of fever. Her symptoms may have come from a
number of things or a combination of stress, asthma, guilt, child abuse, epilepsy, and delusional
psychosis but there were other theories. Some of these theories changed because of a book that
was written about a Irish woman that was suspected of witchcraft, written by Cotton Mather. In
the book Cotton wrote how the afflicted people would act, Betty's behaviors were much like the
ones written in the book.
Soon Betty's playmates began to get sick eleven-year-ol
Mercy Lewis, and Mary Walcott. William Griggs examined the children; Griggs tried a secret
remedy on the children that failed. After the failure of his secret remedy Griggs suggested that the
cause of their sickness may be supernatural. What made this seem likely was the fact that talk of
witches targeting the children was.
Mary Sibley, a neighbor proposed a spell of sort to counter "the witches". Sibley told
Tituba Parris' Indian slave to bake rye cake with the urine of the afflicted victim and feed the cake
to a dog (Dogs were believed to be used by witches as agents to carry out their devilish
commands.) Tituba was suspected as a witch. Tituba was suspected of witchcraft because she
would tell the girls tales of omens, voodoo, and witchcraft from her native folklore.
Not to soon after Tituba was the main suspect the number of childeren sick grew to
seven.These girls would fall in frozen postures, and complained of a biting and pinching feeling.
To find the witch became a obession within this little once quiet village of Salem.
On Febuary 29th there was a arrest arrant released with permission to arrest Tiuba, Betty
Parris, and Abigail Williams.With this the Witchhunt began. Ann Putman and Mercy Lewis
reported seeing witches flying in the winter mist.
Tituba, Sarah Good, and Sarah Osborn were the first three to be accused of witchcraft.
Good was not of highclass or even middle class she was a beggar and stayed wherever someone
would let her.Osborn had not attended church in over a year and was very old. The sick childeren
described being attacked by the three women. When in the presence of one of the suspects they
would fall to the ground in contortions. Other villagers reported stories of foood going bad and
deformities after vists of the suspects. The supspects were asked many queastions by the
magistrates.
Sarah Good's four-year-old daughter Dorcas Good was accusedof being a witch and was
the first Child to become accused of witchcraft. Dorcas was arrested, she was kept in jail for eight
months,watched her mother get carried off to the gallows.
The accused began to see admitting it as a way of avoiding the gallows. The jails became
quickly full and on the brink of chaos. A new court was created by Governor Phips to just hear
witch craft cases; this court was called the "court of oyer and terminer". Chief Justice, and most
influential member of the court, was a gung-ho witch hunter named William Stoughton. Mather
urged Stoughton and the other judges to credit confessions and admit "spectral evidence"
(testimony by afflicted persons that they had been visited by a suspect's specter). Ministers were
looked to for guidance by the judges, who were generally without legal training, on matters
pertaining to witchcraft. Mather's advice was heeded. the judges also decided to allow the
so-called "touching test" (defendants were asked to touch afflicted persons to see if their touch, as
was generally assumed of the touch of witches, would stop their contortions) and examination of
the bodies of accused for evidence of "witches' marks" (moles or the like upon which a witch's
familiar might suck)Evidence that would be excluded from modern courtrooms-- hearsay, gossip,
stories, unsupported assertions, surmises-- was also generally admitted. Many protections that
modern defendants take for granted were lacking in Salem: accused witches had no legal counsel,
could not have witnesses testify under oath on their behalf, and had no formal avenues of appeal.
Defendants could, however, speak for themselves, produce evidence, and cross-examine their
accusers. The degree to which defendants in Salem were able to take advantage of their modest
protections varied considerably, depending on their own acuteness and their influence in the
community.
The first accused witch to be brought to trial was Bridget Bishop. Almost sixty years old,
owner of a tavern where patrons could drink cider ale and play shuffleboard (even on the
Sabbath), critical of her neighbors, and reluctant to pay her her bills, Bishop was a likely candidate
for an accusation of witchcraft.As the summer of 1692 warmed, the pace of trials picked up. Not
all defendants were as disreputable as Bridget Bishop. Rebecca Nurse was a pious, respected
woman whose specter, according to Ann Putnam, Jr. and Abagail Williams, attacked them in mid
March of 1692. People who scoffed at accusations of witchcraft risked becoming targets of
accusations themselves. One man who was openly critical of the trials paid for his skepticism with
his life.
By early autumn of 1692, Salem's lust for blood was ebbing. Doubts were developing as
to how so many respectable people could be guilty. Reverend John Hale said, " It cannot be
imagined that in a place of so much knowledge, so many in so small compass of land should
abominably leap into the Devil's lap at once."
By the time the witchhunt ended, nineteen convicted witches were executed, at least four
accused witches had died in prison, and one man, Giles Corey, had been pressed to death. About
one to two hundred other persons were arrested and imprisoned on witchcraft charges. Two dogs
were executed as suspected accomplices of witches.
A period of atonement began in the colony. Samuel Sewall, one of the judges, issued a
public confession of guilt and an apology. Several jurors came forward to say that they were
"sadly deluded and mistaken" in their judgments. Reverend Samuel Parris conceded errors of
judgment, but mostly shifted blame to others. Parris was replaced as minister of Salem village by
Thomas Green, who devoted his career to putting his torn congregation back together. Governor
Phips blamed the entire affair on William Stoughton. Stoughton, clearly more to blame than
anyone for the tragic episode, refused to apologize or explain himself. He criticized Phips for
interfering just when he was about to "clear the land" of witches. Stoughton became the next
governor of Massachusetts.
The witches disappeared, but witchhunting in America did not. Each generation must learn the
lessons of history or risk repeating its mistakes. Salem should warn us to think hard about how to
best safeguard and improve our system of justice.
Is it bad I cry?no never. Is it bad that I cant forgive someone I want to? I dont know. Was I meant to do somthing about it more then just sit back and watch my life fly by? I dont know. What could I of done? I dont know. Can you turn lovers to friends? I wish I knew. Can I forgive myself? no. Can I forgive them? probally not. Can I surive this? I wish I knew. So last night I cryed alot this morning I wrote a pome not so good but o well
I thought I forgave
forgiving isnt as easy as that
Maybe Ill never forgive
My tears flowed from betrayal
What can I do now
Maybe it was my fault for being so blind
you couldnt have loved me
Your just a wonderful liear
What am I suppose to do
forgiveing you easyily
just because you lie
tell me what I want to hear
that dont mean Im gonna forgive
Ill never trust you
I was to fragile
Now Im...
Broken
ok I come home and get on I click on "view messages" there is one just one that sticks out more then the rest because all it says is QUEER just like that I like on it and then click to get into thier house to see if Ive ever messaged them and if there would be a good reason for them to be angry or somthing to do this to me and I hadnt. So I report it to the gaurds and Ill leave it to them to deal with but it is really upsetting most of all since I was having a good day and that just kinda bums me to see so much hate geared to me just because I love females.
Im your little toy
Play with my thoughts
Play with my feelings
Put them how you want them
Form them as you want
Play with them till you get bored
Then go find another
Make them what you want
Till they brake
Now back to me you toy
Your toy that hasnt broke
Lets see how long till I Brake
Its pretty bad when you cant even walk you are so close to crying?... you have to lean against the wall just walk... you wont bother to start talking cause youll know what happens cause it always happens in scilence anyway
I just noticed that many of my relationships end because I have a depression problem... I dont get it
New pictures on
darkness has its beauty 5
semi new on
darkness has its beauty 4
Im sorry if Im rude or somthing or depressing today. I did not have a good night last night. Some of you may have heard about it already some may not have. Thank you very much monkey for being there when I needed you.
Now this is the reason why I should not get even slightly bored
common words that are in et names and how many memebers have them in thier name some of the et members are probaly count more then once
______________
420-57 member(s)
xxx-58 member(s)
goth-52 member(s)
death-93 member(s)
dead-72 member(s)
sad-22 member(s)
suicide-16 member(s)
blood-88 member(s)
dark-201 member(s)
murder-14 member(s)
killer-54 member(s)
night-115 member(s)
razorblade-10 member(s)
broke-57 member(s)
bleed-20 member(s)
black-128 member(s)
fire-91 member(s)
blade-38 member(s)
bad-43 member(s)
cry-29 member(s)
wrist-6 member(s)
cyber-14 member(s)
freak-68 member(s)
slave-5 member(s)
sex-191 member(s)
gay-12 member(s)
love-203 member(s)
angel-201 member(s)
devil-73 member(s)
666-81 member(s)
999-10 member(s)
hate-31 member(s)
perfect-12 member(s)
drug-7 member(s)
deamon-3 member(s)
forgot-8 member(s)
knight-18 member(s)
vampire-47 member(s)
soul-81 member(s)
empty-5 member(s)
lost-52 member(s)
juggal-24 member(s)
hot-148 member(s)
sexy-145 member(s)
beaut-57 member(s)
pain-25 member(s)
bullet-10 member(s)
stab-3 member(s)
hang-18 member(s)
sweet-82 member(s)
straight jacket-2 member(s)
trouble-5 member(s)
kitty-46 member(s)
wicked-10 member(s)
psyhco-4 member(s)
dragon-120 member(s)
god-75 member(s)
slut-3 member(s)
whore-8 member(s)
teen-22 member(s)
baby-143 member(s)
crazy-54 member(s)
anime-7 member(s)
lesbian-5 member(s)
skull-7 member(s)
child-64 member(s)
elf-140 member(s)
leo-21 member(s)
aquarius-1 member(s)
Libra-0 member(s)
Gemini-2 member(s)
cancer-2 member(s)
scorpio-0 member(s)
pisces-0 member(s)
virgo-0 member(s)
taurus-0 member(s)
capricorn-0 member(s)
aries-1 member(s)
sagittarius-0 member(s)
♥-57 member(s)
☆-4 member(s)
virgin-5 member(s)
~ -201 member(s)
ass-111 member(s)
party-14 member(s)
Why cant I do this why cant I even read what she writes nor look in the mirror without crying? I make myself sick with headaches stomaches and what ever achesI have by thinking about what ive lost. I know I lost it but even if I could get it back after losing it I dont think Id want it back just for the sake of protecting myself. My hands shake I can barely stand up or write my school notes. I hide my face beyond my dark hair so no one can see my eyes that tell so much of the soul. Some days Ive made myself so depressed I start to puck I do not let my mom know about this I fear that I would make her worry to much with that. Each breath I take is just abit harder. I got a single little cut done by a sadden artist on my wrist I lie and say its a cat scratch I use to never lie about it now look at me. I can barely take not hurting myself for the simple fact that it was my fix for everything and it did seem to help now it just torments my mind beyond my power. I go threw my days nothing changes Im turning into a robot doing the same thing everyday I do no like that. I get high more often and I always told myself Id never do that but now look at me. I want to ask for help but I dont know what I want to ask for help for. I know that if I ask for the wrong kind of help Im gonna be gone for so long but then everyone might forget me then.
~~~~ My Broken Little Pieces ~~~~
My last words may be I loved you till the end, They may be I hate You,I deserved better, I will be the only one to know you or anyone else may never know only I but by then Ill be long gone to the place after death
Im sorry to who ever acctually even gave a shit about me
~~Memory quickly forgotten~~