What to say? Well I told off my horrible ex, and for a night I was depressed, inconsolable, and broken. Today? I almost forgot he must be mad at me. Isn't it funny? The way a heart can store pain, and when no more will fit, it lets go.

I thought I would love him forever, but I guess I realized he wasn't a person I could, or even wanted to, love. He's no one. A shadow of the man I once and will always love. Funny, it's like I pulled off his mask, and now I finally feel like I can move on. It's wonderful, I've been so happy all day. I took photos, and I painted, and this huge weight that I had been carrying for so long, left. What's more, this time, he didn't do anything. I just realized I couldn't love him anymore.

God, how cool is God? I prayed for two years that I wouldn't love him, and the funny thing is, all I had to do was really look at who I was loving. I do love a man named Johnny, he's sweet, caring, sensitive, and everytime I'm with him, he really lights me up me inside. This Johnny never hurt me, always listened to me, fought FOR me.

The real Johnny, changed, and he isn't my Johnny anymore. I can't love, even if I tried, the person he is, but I will always love the person he was, the person he could have been. Unless something drastic happens, my Johnny is dead. It's weird realizing that the man I love is dead, and I'm relieved by it. Completely relieved that he's dead. It means the new Johnny can't hurt me, can't belittle me, can't do anything to me... ever again.


This is the truth of the truth, the bud of the bud, of a tree called life.



i carrIED your heart with me
(i carrIED it in my heart)
i was never without it(anywhere
i went you went,my dear;and whatever was done
by only me was your doing,my darling)
                  i fearED
no fate(for you were my fate,my sweet)i wanted
no world(for beautiful you were my world,my true)
and it was you who were whatever a moon had always meant
and whatever a sun had always sung was you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carriED your heart(i carriED it in my heart)

~~~~~

I always will. I will miss you. Long now, have you been gone from me, but no more shall I mourn your death. For I carried you with me, and in my depths I carry you still.


The only sad thing about this, is that when I go to Heaven, My Johnny will not meet me, but instead, the real Johnny will take his place, wherever that place is. 

Too often people use music to solve their emotional tangles, and why shouldn't we? Music helps us know we are not alone, gives hope, helps us move on, but it is when we hear a song and make choices because of the influence of the songs. But since this entry isn't about the bad aspects of music on the emotional level I should probably get to the point.

I am sick of "real" guys. I think somewhere down the line I really just gave up hope that I'll meet a good guy. I'm not the best girl out there, but I do believe I do deserve someone who treats me well. Well maybe I shouldn't say that I gave up hope, but I'm tired of being stuck in waiting mode. I shouldn't live waiting for someone to tell me that they care, that I'm pretty, how they miss me.
I heard a song the other day and I can't get it out of my head, it would be perfect for my situation. A coin-operated boy, well the perfect one wouldn't even need coins, just plug him in or something, but below are the lyrics. 

Coin Operated Boy
By The Dresden Dolls

Coin operated boy
sitting on the shelf he is just a toy
but I turn him on and he comes to life
automatic joy
that is why I want a coin operated boy

made of plastic and elastic
he is rugged and long-lasting
who could ever ever ask for more
love without complications galore
many shapes and weights to choose from
I will never leave my bedroom
I will never cry at night again
wrap my arms around him and pretend....

coin operated boy
all the other real ones that i destroy
cannot hold a candle to my new boy and I'll
never let him go and i'll never be alone
I'll never be alone, go
I'll never be alone, go
I'll never be alone,
not with my coin operated boy......

this bridge was written to make you feel smitten
with my sad picture of girl getting bitter
can you extract me from my plastic fantasy
I didnt think so but I'm still convinceable
will you persist even after I bet you
a billion dollars that I'll never love you
will you persist even after I kiss you
goodbye for the last time
will you keep on trying to prove it?
I'm dying to lose it...
I want it
I want it
I want it
I want you
I want you
I want you
I want a
I want a
I want a
I want a coin operated boy.

and if I had a star to wish on
for my life I can't imagine
any flesh and blood could be his match
I can even take him in the bath

coin operated boy...
he may not be real
experienced with girls
but I know he feels like a boy should feel
isn't that the point?
That is why I want a
coin operated boy
with his pretty coin operated voice
saying that he loves me
that hes thinking of me
straight and to the point
that is why I want

a coin operated boy.

I hope ya'll like the poems I'm forced to write for Humanities. Like it?


Shades of Light

Here in the dimming light of morning

I wrap myself in you

The air outside is bitter,

Yet in your gentle touch I find myself.

Nascent. Like the petal glazed with dew,

that rests; waiting for the morning.

This is where I know you, my love.

Here I even feel you, with breath solid on my cheek.

But my tender one,

There is a place, my love,

in the vivid amber noon, when

open and alluring, your smile

catches in my eye. And there upon

I laugh your laugh in childlike eagerness.

There it is I pray you stop and embrace my gaze;

so ripe and full of meaning,

because, my love, this is where you are.

Wholly

a reflection of my heart.

Autumn

It is autumn and my sun has gone
Its gentle rays no longer touch the sky
All the world is-

Grey.
I watch the soft dance of leaves
Brown, naked, and empty;
they tumble in tremulous circles.
Tracing a path across the wind

I carve that path
My blood dances in hazy confusion
And all around me is spinning.

All is Grey.

I feel the wind eat the moment
And the breath of whispers
Have flown away       
Spinning
Drowning in-

Grey

Their screams echo in my silence

The soil cracks, brown and dry
No nutrients are found there
The flowers have stopped
Their growth- stunted and deformed
Weeds will not even lay roots

Summer has come and went
Snatching away my sun
I am gone in Grey

Me and my gang, having the BEST night I've ever had!!!

HERE is Custer's last stand
Here is where my heart beats for you no more.
Here is where your words and insults have no effect on me.
Here is where I am more than you will ever be.

Here I am.

The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath
Emeralds from mountains thrust towards the sky
Never revealing their depth


Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above


I'll Be your cryin' shoulder
I'll Be love suicide
I'll Be better when I'm older
I'll Be the greatest fan of your life


Rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed
You're my survival, you're my living proof
My love is alive and not dead


Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above


I'll Be your cryin' shoulder
I'll Be love suicide
I'll Be better when I'm older
I'll Be the greatest fan of your life


I've dropped out, burned up, fought my way back from the dead
Tuned in, turned on, remembered the things you said


I'll Be your cryin' shoulder
I'll Be love suicide
I'll Be better when I'm older
I'll Be the greatest fan of your life

I've known about you for a while now
when he leaves me he wears a smile
as soon as he's away from me
in your arms
is where he wants to be

But you're the one he rushes home to
You're the one he gave his name to
I never see his face in the early morning light
You share his mornings, daytime and
Sometimes I have his nights

but does he love you like he loves me?
does he think of you when he's holding me?
does he whisper all his fantasies?
does he love you like he's been loving me?

but when he's with me
he says he needs me
and that he wants me
and that he believes in me

and when I'm in his arms
how he swears there is no one else
is he decieving me?
or am I decieving myself?

But does he love you like he loves me?
does he think of you when he's holding me?
does he whisper all his fantasies?
does he love you like he's been loving me?

I should not lose my temper
I should not be ashamed
Because I have everything to lose
and I have nothing to gain

But does he love you like he loves me?
Does he think of you when he's holding me?
Does he whisper all his fantasies?
Does he love you like he's been loving me?




Being the other woman has no advantages... only continual heartbreak with no possible way to win....

The wind is whipping my hair back into my face. The feel of its sharp pin points is a comfort in this dark night. I cannot bear to feel anymore. The soul I want to see looking back at me will never smile again, and the lips that long to be loved by those she loves will never feel warmth. I'm tired and alone. No light to guide my way, save that callous and uncaring flourescence of the street lights. Once here I stood a pair of scissors in hand yet now my hands are empty but the pain is the same. I was not left behind, I left of my volition and now in the darkness of the pain I wonder if my hurting is truly worth the pain I'm saving him from. I cannot bear to think about all the men I thought I loved. They have torn through me viciously and yet continue to rip me down, I cannot bear the weight of such a burden. I must simply look for me for now.

My hand is filled with candies that promise a better life and try though I might I cannot seem to stop the want I have for them. One, Two, Three, "such a lightweight" even words can't stop me now. So tired am I of pretending I am fine. I am nothing but a misery who cannot let go. If I showed who I am to someone, they might never smile again for the sadness inside of me, so down it goes and away it's hid. And yet again I long for the feel of my darling little forget-me-not candies.

Down the road, where once on jogs I might've turned around. There I stopped and lingered still, but did not turn around.
My heart grew hard and carried on a beat deep inside of me.
I kept on going past the marker to see what lay ahead. There I found I could not think, lest I surely drown.
So stopped was I with feelings deep, I found I could not run.
So there I waited to clear my head and yet it all grew worse. The trees that once would stand me up, now have all grown weak.
Water once that lifted me, has begun to let me sink.
And now, upon my road, where once I could have run. I find myself so stopped inside, I cannot hardly stand.

All men think of one thing. Getting into my fucking pants.
I was nearly attacked on my way home tonight by a guy I don't know very well. He was giving me a lift and is a friend of a friend. He tried to push himself on me when he knew I have a boyfriend. Men are fucking animals.

I hate men.

I may never have sex, fucking pigs.

I wish there was someone I could talk to, just as a friend, who would understand, someone who would be my friend because being my friend is enough. Not because they want in my pants. I am so tired of being used...

I've been working myself to death, but the odd thing is that I'm actually kinda happy lately. But also I've been kinda sick so don't worry if I don't write you for a while.

I am numb.

I watched a movie about a woman who waited all day for her fiancé to show up at the wedding. I watched a fiancé struggle to return to the woman he loved and I saw a man fall in love with his fiancée all over again. I watched this broken as I am. I watched this dying as I am.

I cannot move forward or backward. I can simply stay. Simply be. Forever broken and un-forgiven. I cannot watch this tired movie any longer. The brokenness, the silent pain, the everlasting confusion. If I resign myself to no longer love, to no longer feel, perhaps I can survive once more. Day in, Day out. No emotion. No fear. No regrets.

One handed I wish I could drive the knife. Silent. Deadly. Irreversible. I would perish, and still survive. Undead. Unliving. Unhuman. A broken mask is easily tossed aside. A broken soul however cannot feel what it doesn’t believe it lacks. I have no purpose. No reason for changing, for growing, for living, or loving.

The cement stares back at me. Cold. Hard. This will be it. No crying. No feeling. No missing what once I would have fought for.

Heart, this is my last letter. Perhaps this is my final goodbye. Heart. I loved every minute you let me know I lived. But time is growing short. I cannot bear the weight one lone heart endures. I kept watch over you. Through the long nights in silent companionship. There we were. Together. But too many are the risks I face. A heart such as you is no benefit to anyone. A heart that cannot be loved. I loved few people in my life. I dearly gave them all I had to offer. One, taken. One, pulled from my fingers. One, by choice. I cannot love for fear that I will break. I cannot feel for fear that I would understand what I wish to do tonight.

It is not my life to be given all that which I doubt I deserve. It is my life to understand the burden I bear. I am weak. Weaker now then when I had no concern. I always feared losing more than being alone. I used to sit in my room for hours. Alone. Not talking, not moving. Just… being. Alone. I feared the loss more than I feared being eternally alone.
In the end, caring little for most and loving few has still backfired. I could weep for years at the losses I have suffered. I didn’t cry. Now it seems, looking back on my unnumbered silences that I realize how much I don’t wish to feel at all.
I want to forget all my brokenness. I want to forget.
Forget Dianne, and how she loved me. How she believed in me.
Forget Stephanie, who should not have been taken.
Forget Jessica. She will be one of the hardest to forget. But please, dear heart, soul. Forget her. I cannot bear the separation. It is though my soul is being ripped from me. I cannot bear such burdens without her.
But mostly. Forget John. Forget everything he said. Everything he made you feel. Nothing can come of loving a lie. No tears. No feeling. He is lost to you now. Dear heart, please understand. He is the most dangerous foe of all. He will break you. He will leave you. He doesn’t even want you. Dear heart. He will show everything. He will light the rooms with a smile. He will melt you. There is nothing you could hide from him. But he will not know. He will never return what you feel.

Heart, dear beating pulse. You have nothing left to gain and you have already lost everything. Your worst fear has come to pass because you were weak. Because you gave yourself to someone who never knew you.

It will be painless. Sweet destruction. I promise you will be remembered. But the hour is growing late. No time for looking back. Heart. I need you no more. Dear friend, who pains me, I would live for you, for each moment of feeling, had you not deceived me.

You promised me, I could be loved. A lie I fell for, time and again. I have lost too much to turn back now. Too many memories. Too much pain. I have suffered more than any. All for you. I loved for you. It is too late. I have put this task aside too many times.
Goodbye dear soul. Farewell tempestuous emotions. I cannot forgive the deception.

Here I love you.
In the dark pines the wind disentangles itself.
The moon glows like phosphorous on the vagrant waters.
Days, all one kind, go chasing each other.

The snow unfurls in dancing figures.
A silver gull slips down from the west.
Sometimes a sail. High, high stars.

Oh the black cross of a ship.
Alone.
Sometimes I get up early and even my soul is wet.
Far away the sea sounds and resounds.
This is a port.
Here I love you.
Here I love you and the horizon hides you in vain.
I love you still among these cold things.
Sometimes my kisses go on those heavy vessels
that cross the sea towards no arrival.
I see myself forgotten like those old anchors.
The piers sadden when the afternoon moors there.
My life grows tired, hungry to no purpose.
I love what I do not have. You are so far.
My loathing wrestles with the slow twilights.
But night comes and starts to sing to me.

The moon turns its clockwork dream.
The biggest stars look at me with your eyes.
And as I love you, the pines in the wind
want to sing your name with their leaves of wire.