ok I have a new rule....
Step parents should be restricted in what they can say, DO, and how they treat their step kids...
I DON'T HAVE CANCER!!!!!!!!
I do have a serious problem with my thyroid gland, and i will have to undergo several treatments throughout the course of a couple months.
I also have tonsilitis. My life may seem horrible, but in comparison with what I thought I had, it's perfect. I have never been this happy.
I know that John is probably going insane with all I have dropped on him lately. I just know, I love him!!
He behaved the perfect way, when I told him what I thought I might have. I just know, that he could never do anything to lose my trust or love ever again.
I am so sick of watching movies. and I am SICK of being alone. I just want to go back to school and pretend that nothing ever happened.
I am very scared...
I don't know what to do...
ok I was sitting ther getting my neck checked because I think I have tonsilitis, but see I have had so many sore throats that they finally decided to send me to an Ear, nose, and throat doctor. But this time, they came up with somethign altogether different.
They think I have Thyroiditis, but see, only people who don't have a thyroid problem can get it. I already have one, and am being treated for it, I shouldn't have it. Which means if i do have it, then it can get really bad.
They said if it gets bad enough it could lead to a goiter, or possibly even cancer of the thyroid. I am getting X rays and Ultra sounds and everythign done to make sure i don't have cancer already. What a freaking thought.
Cancer.
God that's a heart stopper, and all I wanted, all I want is to get my tonsils taken out. I didn't need that. That's like stabbing me through the back.
I haven't even told my parents yet. I can't. It just...
if I say the words, aloud, then it might be real, and if it's real, then...
I don't know what I am going to do. I checked it online. I have all the symptoms, but... I already had my thyroid fixed, how can I get it again?
I have been doing anything to keep from thinking about it. It's too, heart breaking as it were, and it's just not fair.
I only wanted my tonsils out so I could stop being sick. Now, I just want to get through all the tests.
You know the wierd thing? This whole incident has made me turn back into what i was. Strong. I haven't cried since I found it out. Then again it could also be because it still hasn't hit me yet. I hope it never does...
What's worse is that I want someone to talk to about this. I want to badly to talk to someone about it, but I can't. I might realize the truth about it all if I talked about it. It just... isnt' fair. Everyone else has the perfect life and I have done nothing wrong! I just keep getting the shit hand in life. Excuse the language. Maybe it's God's way of telling me to be better. Yeah, maybe if I am a good enough person, it'll all go away.
Ok that's it. From today on... I am going to stop being bad altogether.
No more lying, though i have been quitting that as of late,
No more talking meanly abotu people, but i have also been trying to stop that too.
but most of all
No more swearing, sex, gambling, cheating etc... *Though you all should know I don't do most of that, cept the swearing, but it's just... I will stop everything, cept the sex of course (I am kidding!!!!)
I needed to lighten the mood, in fact I think I am gonna watch a movie...
i know that those of you who watch my page such as Wes, and Scott, and etc... will see that there is mroe than one diary entry but i jus had to make it personal and secret, i thought better of what i said
Remember Me This Way
Every now and then
We find a special friend
who never lets us down...
Who understands it all
reaches out each time we fall
you're the best friend i have found...
I know you can't stay
a part of you will never ever go away
your heart will stay.....
I'll make a wish for you,
and hope it will come true,
if life will just be kind,
to such a gentle mind,
if you lose your way,
think back on yesturday
remember me this way,
remember me this way.
I don't need eyes to see
the love you bring to me,
no matter where I go
and I know that you'll be there
forever-more a part of me and everywhere
I'll always care.....
I'll make a wish for you
and hope it will come true,
if life will just be kind,
to such a gentle mind,
and if you lose your way
think back on yesturday
remember me this way,
remember me this way.
and I'll be right behind your shoulder,watch
I'll be standing by your side, all you do
and I won't ever leave
as long as you believe,
you just believe....
I'll make a wish for you
and hope it will come true
if life will just be kind
to such a gentle mind
and if you lose your way
think back on yesturday
remember me this way
remember me this way.
Break me
I will meet you
In some place
Where the light lends itself
To soft repose
I will let you undress me
But I warn you
I have thorns like any rose
You could hurt me
With your bare hands
You could hurt me
Using the sharp end of what you say
But I’m lost to you now
And there’s no amount of reason
That could save me
Chorus:
So break me
Take me
Just let me feel your arms again
Break me
I’ll let you make me
Just let me feel your love again
Feels like being underwater
Now that I’ve let go
And lost control
Water kisses fill my mouth
Water fills my soul
Chorus
Bridge:
Kiss me once
Well, maybe twice
Oh, it never felt so nice
Chorus
Just let me feel your love again
I am so wierd right now, and it all seems to hurt so much more than it used to.
I am watching the movie Enough, it's about a man who hits and cheats on his wife.
I need it right now, I need to feel like my life is better than someone's right now.
For some reason, I feel so ugly, unwanted, and very unspecial.
I just want someone to make a big deal over me, I want someone to think that I am someone special.
I just want to feel like I am not someone people overlook, and lately it seems more and more i have been over looked.
I apprieciate the fact that people care about me and don't want to upset me, but i just wish that everyone would just do something! Anything!
I am so depressed lately, that I don't care anymore, I could take everyone's spare time, and money and I just want to feel better, I want to be happy!
ok i really like this movie, The Bone Collector, with Denzel Washington, it's bloddy but it's got a great plot to it.
You know, I think I am getting better about handling TV blood, not my own, or anyone else's REAL blood, just the fake stuff that I can tell myself is really fake.
ok I still look away, but I have *nearly puked* less often, so that's something isn't it?
ok this is cool, sort of and it made me happy a little cuz the girl I borrowed it from had funny answers...
THINGS THAT SCARE ME:
1. Violence toward me or someone I care about
2. Relationships
3. The thought that I will get left behind by those I care about
THREE THINGS THAT I DON’T UNDERSTAND:
1. Me
2. Physics! URG!
3. the concept of fate
THREE THINGS THAT I'D LIKE TO LEARN:
1. Why I do the things I do?
2. How do you go about not being jealous?
3. how I can change
THREE THINGS THAT I AM WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. Make up
2. clothes
3. and a hair tie
THREE THINGS THAT ARE ON MY DESK:
1. Homework
2. College aplications
3. My Scrapbooks
THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE:
1. Make something out of myself, no offense to anyone, but I don't want to be my parents.
2. I want to be able to write again. I want to finsh my book.
3. Get Married on a beach with white sand and a light blue sun dress type gown. Very small wedding.
THREE WAYS TO EXPRESS MY PERSONALITY:
1. Jaded yet still hopeful
2. Compassionate even when I shouldn't be
3. Drama Queen, enough said,
THREE BAD THINGS ABOUT ME:
1. I overreact to most everything
2. I am jealous
3. I am a liar, *I lie only if it is to protect someone else's feelings, mine, or when I get pissed off*
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. French *my father's grand parents*
2. Irish * my grandma's parents*
3. Cherokee * My mother's grandmother was full blooded*
THREE THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MY BODY:
1. MY EYES!!!!
2. My curvy figure
3. My hands
THREE THINGS I DON’T LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
1. hmmmm.... my love handles
2. my scars
3. my thighs
THREE THINGS PEOPLE DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU:
1. My Past
2. Who I really am
3. That I am completely scared of everything and nothing and anything that has to do with friends, love, any type of relationship
THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST:
1. I am sorry ( I mess up a lot)
2. okie dokie
3. I can do that
THREE PLACES I WANT TO GO:
1. Away from here
2. Florence, Italy
3. Andes Mountains, Argentina, South America
THREE NAMES THAT YOU GO BY:
1. Sara
2. Sar (pronounced Sare)
3. and baby
I did something really dumb, and I don't know any way i can fix it.
I say I have changed but I haven't, I am still the manipulative, slutty bitch I was months ago and it hurts to realize this.
I lost someone I care about, not in a death sense but it might as well be, he won't talk to me and he is in the right on this one.
I fucked up really big. Bigger than i ever thought I could have...
Pulsing currents
Pounding waves
I can feel it in my bones
the way I tried so hard
I breathe beneath the million thoughts
surging through my head
creeping through my heart
I can see the silkiness
feel the warm liquid on my fingertips
Pain throbs through my chest
I am too stubborn
too egotistical
I want too much...
Slash
Rip
Tear
I can feel myself shaking under the weight
of cold unfeeling metal
I am losing thoughts
Losing me
Maybe I should lose me
I do not seem to help anyone
I cannot even help myself
MWA HAHAHAHAHHA I am sitting on my friend's computer *boyfriend* and I am messing around with it (he is in the shower) so I am sitting here, typing the same way I do at my house if for the only reason that I don't know how to mess around.... Man this sucks.... I am bored *hears the shower turn off* YAY!!!!!!!!!
I am sitting here in my mother's house with my wet hair leaving a wet patch on my back. It is so odd to be sitting here. So many things have changed and I am still stuck here, trapped in the moment.
I am not sad. I am simply me right now, trapped in my own past.
I am leaving tomorrow morning but the morning still seems so far away!